Leena's Escape
by F.A. D'Laurentis
Summary: Follow the intense, unabashed story of the life of Leena Klammer. From her harrowing escape from the Saarne Institute to her troubled life with the Colemans and beyond!
1. Leena's Escape  The Story Begins

**The following series was only intended to be two or three chapters in length but has grown to nearly 35 in the past year. I want to thank authors such as "Lovely Linda", "JMD Nelson", and others for both inspiration and idea development. **

**This series follows the life of Leena Klammer/Esther Coleman. From her violent escape from an Estonian mental hospital, to her life in America and her journey into the lives of the Sullivans and later, the Colemans. Note that the series does contain strong language at times as well as violence/mature themes but it is meant to reflect the violent and sick nature of the character portrayed both in "Orphan" and in this work and is told from Leena/Esther's unique first person perspective.**

**Many have written me and I always look forward to my reader's feedback, either positive or negative. All chapters are in order. Thanks for reading xD**

Leena's Escape

Today I sit in an orphanage waiting for a family to adopt me. To adopt a grown woman trapped in a child's body. I write in this journal because it's just so boring here. These children meander about like mindless idiots. Innocence is truly bliss for them! I reflect now that it has been an entire year almost since I escaped from the Saarne Institute back in Estonia. That hell on Earth that I rotted away at for nearly six long years. I remember that damp and rainy day. That day when I escaped that horrid "hospital" as it is called. I sat in my barren cell, restrained in my straight jacket. The staff at Saarne always told me this was for their own protection but to me it was a form of pure torture! "Violent", "dangerous, and "Antisocial" were words the staff always used to describe me.

They treated me like an animal so I lashed out like one. Now all I had to look forward to were long empty days in my room with no social or human interaction of any kind. Then they wondered why I became so violent with them? The day I escaped out of that hell hole started out not much different than any other. It was ten in the morning and I could hear one of the other patient's screaming down the hallway. I wanted to bash his face in, he wouldn't shut up! It was all day with him! But his demons got the better of him I suppose. I could hear the rain dancing on the small barred window in my cell. I looked out into the gray abyss of that rainy skyscape, wondering if I would ever find a man who would love me like my father did. I struggled in frustration against my restraints. I weighed only 83 pounds yet the straight jacket was secure and tight. I struggled constantly to escape but never to any avail. Now I have these fucking scars to show for it.

In utter frustration I threw myself against the padded wall and curled up in the corner. I began to sob bitterly. My mind was coming more unglued with each passing day. Here I was - a 32 year old woman trapped in the body of a child. "Nobody will ever love you", I said to myself out loud. "You worthless piece of shit" I screamed. I sobbed more heavily and again peered out the tiny window, tears pouring down my cheeks. Seven brutal murders to wind up where I was. I thought to myself for a second about the people I had killed. I almost felt pity, more for myself than for them. They deserved to die you see, they denied me the love I desire, the love I yearned for, the love I would and have literally killed for. I was the victim, I am the victim, and nobody in that fucking hospital could fucking even begin to understand me or what I was going through. "You did this to yourself, Leena" I sobbed. I fell over on my side and curled into a ball and cried for what seemed like an eternity. I did this often.

The loud knocking sound on the metal door of my cell startled me out of my sobbing. I heard a voice through the door. "Leena, it's time for your weekly meeting with Dr. Varava" the voice barked. "You know the drill, stand up with your back against the door". This was literally the highpoint of my life at the Saarne Institute. I spent 23 hours a day in that cell except for my showers and rec time and any chance to talk with a person I truly did look forward to even if most of the staff I viewed as mindless assholes. Dr. Varava was so attractive to a lonely woman such as myself. I wished he would cuddle me and take away my pain. He seemed to be the only one at the hospital who took a legitimate interest in me. Without a word I stood up and did as I was told.

The door slid open and two orderlies led me out of the cell. The dimly lit hallway cast errie shadows as I was led down it's vast interior. The screams and cries of other inmates echoed through the empty space. Slowly I was led down the hall, through a couple of turns, and then down to the second floor to Dr. Varava's office. My tears dried and my heart seemed to lift as I seen him at his desk. I almost became giddy like a school girl, yes, even I, who some would liken to the female equivalent to Ted Bundy, was giddy over this handsome middle-aged stud of a man.

"Dr. Varava, Leena Klammer, your 10:30 appointment" said one of the orderlies as we entered the room. He glanced up from the glare of his computer screen. "Good morning Miss Klammer, please be seated." Still restrained in my straight jacket, the orderlies seated me in front of the rugged psychologist. He did bear some resemblance to my father, maybe that was why I seemed to love him. It didn't matter though. I was just glad he was willing to pay attention to me. "Good morning" I chimed.

"Shitty weather we're having, no?" He nodded in approval and opened up his case file. "Leena, how are you feeling today?" he asked, his hands clasped on his desk in front of him. "I was crying" I said in a low voice, "I'm so fucking sick of being kept like this" I added. "Now Leena" he went on "just last week you bit an orderly when it was time for you shower, it is only in everybody's best interest that you remain restrained."

"Why in a damn straight jacket Dr. Varava" I pleaded. "Can't I stay in my room without one?" I asked. "Leena, hospital policy is we keep troublesome patients restrained for their own safety and the safety of the other patients and staff" he calmy replied. "So I guess that's me?" I asked. He nodded. "Please, please, doctor" I begged edging closer in my seat. "I'm sorry for how I behaved" (I was lying) "I promise I'll calm down, PLEASE believe me!" I broke down sobbing. He shook his head, "Leena - in six years you've had over 30 assaults on staff and patients". His reasoning was breaking me down.

I sobbed more heavily, these tears were real, I wanted so badly to be let out of this straight jacket and out of that horrible cell. I put my head on the edge of the desk and cried. The orderlies were still standing behind me. "Leena, I want to help you but you need to learn to control yourself and your violent behavior" he told me matter of factly. He sat back in his chair and looked into my eyes as I glanced up into his. "I know you can be manipulative Leena but I really want to believe your willing and ready to change, but I must take into consideration just how dangerous you really are" he told me. I looked down onto the floor. My heart was sinking fast. I sobbed quietly. "I want to think your sincerity is real Miss Klammer, so I'll meet you halfway". I glanced up, "Meaning what" I asked?

"Leena, I am willing to go back on my word and let you out of your straight jacket but I need to keep you confined in your room for continued observation" he informed me. "I also want to see if you would be willing to try some new medications to help calm you down" he added. I nodded in approval. "Okay then, when you get back to your cell I will have the orderlies remove the straight jacket but one mishap Leena and I will put you in it again, do you understand?" I nodded quickly again and thanked him. "I will come to your cell later today and see how you are doing Leena, you take care" he added. I nodded and again thanked him one last time for his generousity. His agreement to let me out of my restraints made me so elated. I felt as the weight of the world was being lifted from off my shoulders

I was escorted out of the office and took the journey with the orderlies back to my cell. The three of us entered and the two men began the process of unfastening my restraints. Within a few moments I was free from that cloth prison and once again was locked alone in my cell. I wished I could be with the doctor so badly. My meeting with him was making me horny and I took the liberty of pleasuring myself for the first time in God knows how long. All the while my thoughts were of making love to Dr. Varava, for him to make love to me like I've been craving for so long. What a mental release when I reached myself to orgasm. I was able to lay down in my cell and drift off to sleep. What I dreamt about, if anything, I have no recollection. These damn children screaming around in this orphanage are making it so hard to write, but I'll keep writing.

I remember it must have been hours later because it was now dark outside. There was no light in my cell. For the second time today somebody came knocking on my cell door. This time it was Dr. Varava and an orderly with a tray of food. I sat up as my eyes adjusted to the light coming in from the hallway. The orderly set the tray down on the floor next to me and stood by the doctor. "Good evening Leena, I'm here as I said I would be". I glanced at the food and then to the doctor. He opened his hand and extended it to me. "Here is 30 milligrams of Zyprexa" he said dropping two white pills into my hand. I placed them in my mouth and washed them down with glass of water the orderly had left on my tray. Suddenly the loudspeaker went on. "Dr. Varava, you are needed in Ward C" announced a shtrill female voice.

"Leena, we must talk later" he said. The orderly and him left the room and they left just as quickly as they came. Frankly, I wasn't much hungry for food even though I did not eat breakfast or lunch. Suddenly, I noticed something. The cell door was slightly a jar. They forgot to lock me in. I stood up gingerly and closed the door. It tried to open it after it was closed and lo and behold I could easily open it! I smiled wickedly. The thought suddenly entered my head that this open door could be my ticket out of this place. The question remained in my mind was could I actually somehow walk out of this hospital without anybody noticing. Just because my restraints were gone did not mean I still wasn't suffering alone in here. I sat back down. "Leena, looks like your lucky day" I exclaimed to myself. I decided I would wait until it was very late before I made my move. In the meantime, I would sit it out and bide my time...

**In Chapter 2, Leena finally decides to make a break for it, but can she pull things off as she plans them to be?**


	2. Making The Move

_**In Chapter One of Leena's Escape, Leena finally convinced Dr. Varava to let her out of her straight jacket. After being led back to her room she soon discovers she has not been locked in quite as securely as she should have! Thanks to everyone for their positive feedback on Chapter 1. I really appreciate it! Enjoy!**_

_I decided that waiting for the right moment to escape would be my best option. It was getting late but God forbid should one of these asshole orderlies see me. I sat on my bed and curled up. The hallway lights cast their eerie shadows through my cell window. As I waited my thoughts once again drifted off to Dr. Varava. I got wet just thinking about him! I smiled to myself as I wondered what it would be like for him to make love to me, to hold me, to take away my pain. _

_I couldn't help either thinking about how I was denied all of this by my adopted father. I thought about how I was forced to murder him and his family for denying me the romantic love I know I deserve. I think I did them all a favor by putting them out of the misery of this world. Sometimes I wondered if I should do the same to myself and do likewise. Yet then how would I ever find love? Is being loved so much to ask for?_

_I picked up my Bible and opened it. Inside I kept pictures of the men I killed. I murdered two when I was working as a prostitute in the Estonian capital. Although I had brief romantic relationships with both, they both proved to be abusive to me. I slit one's throat and knifed the other man to death. Knives are my favorite weapon by far! So easy to use! The third man was Konstantin, my adopted father. I picked up the small photo and held it to my heart. All that make-up and primming and prepping for nothing! A person may ask what was it all about? WHY did Leena act as "Esther"? _

_It was simply about a young woman yearning to feel romantically wanted, accepted, and validated by any man who would pay attention to me. My adopted father actually slapped me in the face when I tried to "seduce" him! Well, the whole family died that night. I nearly decapitated Konstantin that was how enraged I was. As I sat in my cell my mind could not get not stop thinking about how I butchered them all. How his children cried and begged for mercy. How his wife cried bloody murder. I could care less! Dr. Varava on the other hand I feel I could have all to myself, not that I would ever get the chance. All I wanted to do now was get the fuck out of this hospital and as far away as possible._

_I knew exactly where I wanted to run. My sister Syrah lived in the capital of Estonia..Talinn. I stood up and walked back over to the cell and cracked it open ever so slightly. Just as I peered out I glanced Dr. Varava and an orderly walking up the hallway towards my cell. I knew they were coming over to me. Quickly I closed the door and sat back down on my bed and pretended to read from my Bible with what dim light there was in my room. I took the food tray I still had with me and placed it besides me. A knock sounded._

_"Leena, are you awake? It is Dr. Varava, may I come in?"_

_I couldn't help but melt! "Yes" I replied softly. The door opened and in came that stud muffin pf a doctor (and the orderly who wasn't too bad looking himself). "Your door was unlocked" said the doctor. My heart sank. I thought I was fucked. "Looks like it's going to have to wait another day" I told myself. "It wasn't my fault, doctor" I added matter of factly. He nodded and sat besides me while the orderly stood on the other side of the room. "Not hungry?" he asked referring to the full tray of food I had besides me. "I'll eat it later", I said staring at the cornbread and sausage on the tray. Inedible dog shit, in my mind._

_ He rubbed my back up and down. "Leena how are you this evening?" he asked. "I'm holding out okay" I told him staring into his big blue eyes. "I'm very proud that you have calmed down Leena" he told me. "I hope you stick to your promise" he added. I nodded and placed my head on his shoulder. "I'm glad you came doctor, I don't want to be alone" I cooed. He seemed a little unnerved but didn't push me away._

_My knees felt shaky at this point. I was so hot for the doctor, he just reminded me so much of the men who were once in my life. I took his arm and put it over my shoulders. The orderly looked on almost confused. The doctor seemed flabbergasted and cleared his throat. "Leena, did you take your medication?" he asked. I nodded and smiled wickedly at him. "You know a woman like me gets so lonely in here" I told him. _

_"Leena?" he sensed what I was up to. "What are you trying to do?" he asked. "THIS!" I shouted and lunged on him and pressed my lips against his while grabbing his collar with both hands. I shoved my tongue into his mouth and French kissed him for what was a moment of pure bliss. He flailed and I was quickly grabbed by the orderly. _

_"NO, NO GET OFF OF ME YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" I screamed. "This is inexcusable Leena" said the angry doctor. "Karl, take her out and get the straight jacket!" he ordered. Just as the orderly began to begin dragging me out of the cell to what would surely be a straight jacket I escaped his grasp and grabbed the food tray on the bed. He turned away from me in confusion for a split second as Dr. Varava looked on. "THINK FAST FUCKER!" I screamed as I smashed the tray upside the orderlies head with all my strength. Food flew everywhere as the man fell to the ground stunned. Dr. Varava was too shocked to move as he sat stunned in the corned on the bed._

_I hit the orderly several times over the head until he was unconcious. A steady stream of blood spewed from his nostrils as he lay there in a small pool of his own blood. I looked up angrily at the doctor, my hands clenched at my side before heading to the door and slamming it behind me. The doctor shook, his mouth opened in silent terror as he glanced at the orderly and then back to me. "Leena, calm...calm down...we can talk about this" he said in a broken voice. I picked up the broken food tray once again. "There is nothing more to talk about doctor" I said in an angry tone. "Please Leena, I have a family" the doctor pleaded. "Don't worry, this will only hurt for a second". "NO!" he screamed before I struck him in the head with the plastic tray. _

_Plastic shards flew everywhere as I hit him again and again. Soon the doctor too was unconcious. I knew neither of them were dead and simply decided to leave them there. I picked up a large plastic shard that had broken off from the food tray. I knew this would make a good weapon should I have to stab my way out of there. I grabbed a ring full of keys off of the orderlies belt. Dressed in a white shirt and white pants and barefoot I knew I had to get to my sister's fast. She lived about 5 miles away but first I had to get the fuck out of here and now was the time to act!_

_**Chapter 3 is next - Will Leena have to spill any more blood to get out of the Saarne Institute and how will she manage the trek to her sister's undetected? Will her sister accept her or reject her? More coming soon...any and all feedback is appreciated! Keep reading and writing everybody!**_


	3. A Loving Reunion

**In part 2 of Leena's Escape, Leena violently assaulted both Dr. Varava and an orderly after her attempts to seduce the doctor failed. Now she is ready to escape** **to her sister's home several miles away. It is a cold night and she knows she must act quickly is she is ever to make it out...**

I swear to bloody hell I'm about ready to stab one of these little girl's in this orphanage. Shut the hell up already! I can keep writing though however difficult that may be. Now back to what I was saying...I recall staring at the battered bodies of the doctor and the orderly and grinning with such malice in my heart I felt like I should finish both of them off. The doctor had crushed my heart like I had happen to me so many times before and he paid the price. Still better for him to be unconcious than dead - Nikolai Varava got off easy!

I wanted to do to him what I did to Konstantin. I wanted to cut his throat open and rip his dick off. I truly wanted to kill him in that moment of pain and rejection. Time was of the essence though and I needed to make my move now! I picked up my Bible and walked over to my cell door and slowly opened it. I peered my head through the opening and glanced down the halls. Nobody. Slowly with my Bible and keys in one hand and the large plastic shard in the other I exited my cell.

I was on the third floor. As I ran down the hallway the "patients" began their screaming and hollering as usual. It truly was a testament to the living hell going on within their own minds. I made my home with schizophrenics, psychopaths, and maniacs for six years with no compassion or love from anyone. I could hardly believe I was on my way towards freedom! The adrenaline rushed through my frail frame as I skirted down the hallway towards the elevators.

I was fortunate no other staff members were in this particular wing at the time. The elevators required a key in order to activate them and luckily and with frantic effort I located the key on the orderlie's chain and inserted it in the slot. "Come on hurry the fuck up!" I whispered harshly as I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I braced myself for the possibility that somebody may exit. The elevator doors opened and sure enough a young nurse named Anastasia whom I was familiar with stepped out.

She dropped her tray of medications in total shock. "LEENA! MY GOD!" she shouted wide eyed covering her mouth. Without a word I immediately jumped on her and stabbed the bitch in the neck with my large plastic shard. She immedietly fell to the floor as blood gushed from the open wound. Her entire body quivered and contorted in pain. Her wide eyes stared into mine in terror as she began to cough up blood.

"No offense bitch but your not keeping me here!" I hissed. I took her by the arms and dragged her out of the elevator. She gurgled and gagged as I pulled with all my strength. I looked down at her with pure hatred as she held her hands to her throat before I took the plastic shard and rammed it into her stomach. Surprisingly she didn't scream but her mouth opened wide in the horrible pain she had to be feeling. I guess I took my anger out on her for the rejection I was still feeling. I only stabbed her once and left the plastic shard protruding from her blood stained outfit. She was still alive but I knew I had stopped her cold.

I left her for dead in that desolate hallway. She was always mean to me anyways! Just for the fuck of it I checked her pockets and found a 20 Euro note. I stuffed this into my Bible and continued my escape. I was breathing heavily and frantically as I entered the elevator. I glanced down the hallway and saw Dr. Varava stagger out of my cell and pointed in my direction. His eyes met mine as the doors closed. Now I was truly scared. He would hit the silent alarm and this place could be awash with his goons in minutes.

I decided quickly to skip going to the first floor and would try my luck with the basement. Slowly the elevator made it's decent. I watched with such nervous apprehension as the floor numbers descended. Finally, the doors opened and I found myself in a dimly lit brick-lined tunnel. Still clutching my Bible and the keys I ran full speed down the hall. Blood drenched my hands as I clutched onto it for dear life. I could hear the droning of the heating system through the long corridor. I seemed to run for an eternity until I came to a large room.

I glanced towards the center wall and seen a set of stone stairs leading up to an outside door. Without thinking I ran up to the metal door and pushed with all my might. It was unlocked and I staggered out into the darkness only to be greeted by the chilly night air. The shrill sound of an alarm broke the stillness of the night. Aimlessly I began to run. There was no wall or fence around the Saarne Institute and I just knew I had to run as far away from the building as possible. My barefeet were freezing as I found myself running through a field. I glanced behind me and seen a number of lights come on on the first floor. I knew they were after me! It took me about five minutes but I managed to make it to the main road which was known as Tallinn Road.

I was in pure and utter desperation at this point. Even this late at night a steady stream of traffic whizzed by heading in and out of the busy capital. I threw the keys down in frustration not knowing at this point what to do. I ran alongside the road constantly glaring behind me the headlights of the passing motorists illuminating the way. I knew the local police would be searching for me as well and was starting to believe that I wasn't going to be able to make the four or five miles especially in my bare feet but suddenly I seen a taxi. I flailed my hands frantically. It pulled to the side of the road and I quicjly climbed into the back.

The driver must have been too tired too notice my attire or just didn't care - never mind the blood on my hands! "703 ... St. Alban's Way" I muttered almost completely out of breath. This was the home of my sister Syrah. The gruff driver simply nodded and pulled out on the busy road. Lucky for Anastasia's 20 note! I kept my head below the window as we began the journey away from the Saarne Institute. I tried to catch my breath as my body trembled from the chilly night air. It was November and it couldn't have been much more than perhaps 40 degrees outside. My thoughts were racing uncontrollably.

Would I get caught? What will my sister think? What will I say to her? I loved my sister Syrah dearly. She was 37, single, and lived by herself working as a massage therapist. Unlike myself she is a grown adult, unaffected by the disease that has trapped me in a child's body. She looked just like me, only if I were grown. Even though I killed our father all those years ago she forgave me and loved me unconditionally.

The headlights raced by as the Saarne Institute faded into the darkness. I could still hear the shriek of the alarm as we drove down that road. I knew even now that the authorities were being mobilized. I made no conversation with the driver and did my best to remain calm as well took the ten minute trip to Syrah's small rowhome. Finally, we pulled onto St. Alban's Way in the outskirts of the Estonian capital.

It was late but I seen the light's were on and I knew she was always one to stay up late. The street was quiet and peaceful as the cab slowly came to a stop. "That'll be 12 Euros miss" barked the driver. I handed him the 20 Euro note and he broke the change. Out of the cab I climbed clutching only my Bible. I quickly found a piece of newspaper on the roadside and wiped the blood from off of my hands.

I had spilled alot of blood to escape but now was the hardest part of all. My eyes teared up and the my stomach knotted up in anxiety. My sister was not allowed to visit me at the Saarne Institute due to my violent nature and I had not seen her in 6 years. She wrote to me constantly although I could not write back having been confined to a straight jacket. She truly cared and loved me in a way I adored but was she ready for this?

For a minute I stood outside but I walked up the steps and stood in front on the door. Words cannot descibe how nervous I felt. "Syrah loves me" I told myself. "Syrah loves me".. "Syrah loves me". I closed my eyes and knocked gently several times. My eyes were tearing up. A lump had formed in my throat and I could barely breath. My breath condensed in the cold air. Suddenly I heard movement approach the door. Then the sounds of the door unlocking. I shook uncontrallably as I struggled to stand on my own power. The door opened.

"Sy..Sy...Syrah!" I said pathetically almost as if a child begging for a parent's attention. My sister stood in the doorway. The gravity of the situation instantly hit her. She began to shake and became white as a sheet! She covered her mouth in utter shock but not in a repulsive way. Tears immedietely formed in her eyes and poured down her cheeks. I was speechless. I looked longingly and pathetically into my sister's eyes trying to find her emotions as I shook like a leaf. She fell to her knees her hands still clasped around her mouth.

"LEENA" her muffled voice sounded from under her hands. We both began to cry loudly and uncontrollably as I flung my arms around her. "OH MY GOD LEENA!" she cried as she hugged me and kissed me with fervor. I embraced her as tight as I could and placed my head on her shoulder and cried like I hadn't ever had in my life. "HOW LEENA? WHY? HOWWWW?" Syrah cried as she kissed me again and again. I collapsed into her arms and sobbed and sobbed. I was far too emotional to answer her.

She cradled and held me as I felt her love flow through me. I felt such joy and happiness. She placed her hands on my cheeks and stared into my teary eyes. She was speechless. It was as if she had found a long lost treasure. "It's really you Leena" she whispered. I nodded. "I escaped from Saarne Syrah" I sobbed. "Your the only person I knew to turn to" I cried. I buried my head onto her shoulder and cried some more as she embraced me. "My God, Leena, My God, I can't believe this! Come inside!" she said between her sobbing. She stood up and gently closed the door behind us.

We hugged again. "Six years Syrah, it's been SIX YEARS!" I cried. The tears came down uncontrollably. She looked down at me and nodded and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "It's been too long Leena. Just too God damn long!" she exclaimed. I wouldn't let go of her. "I missed you. I love you Syrah!" I poured my heart out to her. "Oh God, I love you too Leena" she said embracing me again. "Sister, I need to hide" I told her in a soft voice. She nodded understandably. "Leena, you know my home is your home, you can't imagine how long I've waited to see you" she said between her weeping.

"You know you can stay here" she told me embracing me tight. "Oh, little sister" she said happily. I kissed Syrah and hugged her around the waist. I couldn't believe I had done it! I escaped and there was no way in hell I ever planned on returning to that hellhole of a "hospital". "You...you just broke out of there?" she asked. I refused to tell her about how violent I had to be to escape. I just nodded. "They're going to be looking for you, they are now" she said worridly. "Hide me sister, just hide me" I pleaded.

"Come to my bedroom" she said. I looked up at her and nodded. "If the authorities come I can hide you in there, oh Leena!" she said. We hurried off into her bedroom. It had been years since I set foot in this house. I would literally kill for my sister! She was my best friend and I was so relieved she would so willingly take me in. We sat on the bed and just embraced. "I love you so much Leena, welcome home" she whispered. "Syrah, your the only person in this world that I love and care for" I told her truthfully. I was still worried. I knew the authorities were probably on their way. Dr. Varava probably put two and two together that I would run to the nearest person I knew. He knew my sister lived in the city.

I shouldn't have let him live but now was the time to be grateful to be out of there. To be embraced by a loved one was a feeling that had been alien to me for so very long. I felt safe and knew I would be so long as I stayed by Syrah's side. Never again would I be confined like an animal in a straight jacket or left to rot alone in a room all by myself. Those days were now behind me. I simply relished and embraced the moment and my fear melted away. Syrah would protect me. Now what would happen next was something only time would tell...

**Chapter 4 is next. The manhunt for Estonia's most infamous killer begins. How will Leena handle the pressure in the coming days? And how will Syrah respond when Leena reveals she wants to be "adopted" again? Is Leena as safe as she believes? More coming soon...as usual, all your feedback is much looked forward to and so greatly appreciated! Keep reading and writing everybody!**


	4. The Manhunt Begins

**In Chapter 3 Leena is able to break free from the Saarne Institute and successfully makes it to her sister's house. When she arrives, she has a tearful and emotional reunion with the older sister she hasn't seen in six years. Subsequently, her sister must hide Leena from the authorities...**

Syrah and I sat on the edge of the bed in the darkened bedroom. I began shivering in fear knowing the authorities were probably on there way to this very address. I feared I would surely be carted away in a straightjacket tonight. I would rather die first than allow myself to be snatched away from my sister's arms!

"Syrah, they'll be here any minute, I KNOW IT!" I told her, my voice trembling. My sister stood up and opened up her closet. I stood up and followed her. She pushed her clothing aside and a small door was behind them. "Leena, theres a crawlspace behind this door" she told me. "If they come I can hide you in there, they won't find you Leena, I promise!" she whispered. I hugged her around the waist in fear. "Don't worry" she said. "I won't let my sister be taken away, your safe, you understand me, your safe here!" "For how long though?" I asked looking up at her. "I'll have to leave sooner or later" I told her.

"Leena come sit back down on the bed with me so we can talk" she told me gently. She held my small hands in hers as we seated ourselves. I gazed up into her beautiful brown eyes. "Leena, why are you in such a rush to be talking about leaving as soon as you got here?" she asked. "I just mean I'll have to go outside eventually" I said. "I think you mean something else honey" she said concerned. It was true, I did mean something else. I sighed heavily and looked her in the eyes. I couldn't lie to Syrah. My everything. My best friend. "This is going to sound crazy to you Syrah...to be honest...I want a family to adopt me again."

Syrah stood up angrily and shook her finger in my face. "Leena NO! We are not going through this again! Leena if you try it you WILL get caught, do you HEAR me! I know you want a relationship with a man but this is NOT the way to go about it, do you understand me?" she pleaded. "Look what happened when father turned you away...you killed him...and what happened to the man who adopted you last time when he turned you away...you killed him and 3 of his family members." Syrah was pissed and I was hurt. "I'm 32 and stuck in a fucking child's body" I cried. The tears came down.

"Do you think I like going through all that little girl bullshit just to get a man, the dresses, the make-up, do you think I enjoy it, do you think I like being a little girl named Esther, DO YOU?" I asked. "I wish I could be a normal woman like you are but I can't" I cried. "This is my life!" She put her hands on my shoulders and sat back down. "Leena, I don't mean to yell at you but I know how unstable you are, your very sick, and God forbid should you hurt anybody else, I'm just trying to look out for you. I know you want to be loved by a man and thats fine." I controlled my anger.

"It's easy for you to say Syrah, you had a husband and how many lovers. I've never had that except for father." I told her. "Honey, he molested you, he molested me, are you so sick you can't see that what he did was wrong?" she asked. In my own mind I loved my father both platonically and romantically and to me, call me what you will, there is nothing wrong with that. I didn't answer my sister but I could tell she knew what I was thinking. "Jesus Christ" she responded. "And how are you planning about getting "adopted" again? Are you going to keep this up forever?" she asked angrily. "Just like last time" I told her. "I can live at an orphanage and wait for a family, for a man."

"No Leena!" my sister hissed. "I'm not going to let you or anybody else get hurt again, I love you but you need to listed to fucking common sense. Are you listening to yourself?" she pleaded intently. "Well then maybe I should go back to getting fucked as a prostitute" I told her sarcastically. "Would that be a better option, maybe get another STD like I did before? Shit I murdered two of my customers" I shouted. "Leena just calm down and lets talk like adults here, I'll be damned before I let you become a prostitute again to support yourself. I will not let you become some whore again!" she cried.

"I'M A WHORE?" I cried pointing to myself. I stood up in front of my sister. "No Leena you're not a whore, I'm sorry, that was the wrong word, I'm sorry" she whispered. "Well what the hell else was I supposed to do, everyone thinks I'm nine years old, think I can get a job, or an apartment? Getting adopted is the only way to keep a roof over my head and it's not just about getting a man" I told her matter of factly.

"Leena, go look in the mirror, you look 32 years old!" she told me. I rolled my eyes at her and crossed my arms. I was furious. My sister just wasn't understanding my position. "Leena, your sick, we both can admit to that, and I understand you see things differently than I do but I will not let you put yourself or somebody else in danger honey I just can't accept that." she said in desperation. "Syrah, what do you truly think of me, I know you love me, but what do you think of me? Are you proud of me? Do I make you scared? Just tell me straight Syrah, everybody else passed judgment on me." I shrugged as I stood in front of the mirror.

I looked at my face. She certainly was right I did look my age without the make-up. I turned and faced her. She sat there are stared at me. "Not a day has gone by while you were locked away in the mental hospital where I wasn't worried sick as a dog about you." she whispered. Our anger had gone down. "I worried everyday about your mental and physical well-being. I cried when your doctor told me you were attacking staff and were confined to a fucking straight jacket like a mad woman." Syrah was distraught. "No matter how many people you killed I always loved you and never judged you because your not evil..you're...you're sick. You were fucking raped for Christ's sake." I simply listened to her.

"But, Leena Klammer, this has always bothered me and you would understand why but I need an answer because it's haunted me for all these years." she said softly. "Yes?" I whispered. "Why did you murder seven people Leena? I mean I understand why you killed our father but why innocent people Leena? Why two children? Why a wife? Please don't hate me for asking but why kill people who never hurt you?" she shook her head.

"Syrah, when all you want be is loved you'll do anything to get it." I sat down on the bed and curled into a ball. "When my adopted father turned me down last time something just snapped. I really don't have an answer as to why. I was just so angry at being rejected that I felt everybody had to pay. When those two customers broke off our relationship I felt killing them was the only way to make things right." Syrah look at me so concerned. She gently stroked my hair. "I feel no remorse for anything I've did, not even killing those two little boys bothers me" I added. My sister seemed genuinly disturbed.

"But Syrah I would never hurt you" I told her longingly. I sat back up. "Dr. Varava told me I was what they call a psychopath, a person who is emotionally dead and devoid of feelings, who can hurt others without remorse, like Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy or Charles Manson, but I don't know for sure if it's true or not" I told Syrah. "I didn't just kill randomly like those people did, it was just feeling rejected sister, it cut into me like a knife into butter Syrah." Syrah searched for words. "Leena, you literally have no remorse? Psychopath or not your still my sister and again no matter what you did I still love you and I know your telling me the truth." she whispered.

"When I killed somebody it was like a demon took control or something, it was like I lost all control" I explained. "Your just sick Leena, your mentally ill. You were so brutally raped by our father it's no wonder your as fucked up as you are." she added. "When I was at the Saarne Institute I attacked the staff because they mistreated me, they mocked me and called me names." I told her. "You don't know how happy I am to be in your home Syrah". I told her. "Our home Leena, our home." I became lost in my sister's eyes. I sat close to her.

I then sat up on my knees and placed my hands on her head. "It doesn't matter who loves each other, just so long as the love is there, and Syrah I love you more than life itself!" With that I pressed my lips against my sisters and tried to French kiss her. I slid my tongue into her mouth as she fell back on the bed with me and tried to fight me off. I fell off her and she smacked me full force across the face. I collapsed on the bedroom floor in a heap.

"YOU SICK WOMAN!" she shouted. "YOU WOULD DO THAT TO YOUR OWN SISTER?" she screamed. I sat on the floor in a ball and cried hysterically. "I thought...I thought you loved me" I cried out. Syrah was disgusted and shocked. "My God your sicker than I thought, you love me romantically don't you, DON'T YOU? What in God's name are you thinking?" she asked. I was shaking. "Don't hate me Syrah, please!" I pleaded. I buried my hands in my face and cried loudly. "Leena, maybe you should go back to the hospital, your obviously still very ill" she told me. "I don't blame you for what you just did." I collapsed at her feet. "God no Syrah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please don't turn me in. Please for God's sake hide me when they come" I cried. "Don't you ever do that to me again Leena, you are my fucking sister!"

I nodded at her, still crying. "You really are willing to look for romance anywhere arn't you Leena? Even me?" she asked. "Your that damn desperate for somebody?" I stared up at her from the floor as she sat there on the bed. She just shook her head pathetically. "Leena, I won't turn you in you know that" she told me. "But you've said alot of stupid things and I'm worried sick that your still dangerous." I was struggling to find the words. "I...I...I just can't help myself sometimes Syrah, just please understand me" I cried. I put my head in her lap and balled my eyes out. She rubbed my back. "This whole mess isn't your fault Leena, I just want you to know that" she whispered.

Suddenly a loud knocking sounded. I jolted from her lap and sat upright, my tear-filled eyes wide open with fear. "Police Department, open the door immedietely" a man shouted. Syrah grabbed my hand and swung open the door to the crawlspace. "Hide in here" she whispered as I crawled in. "Don't make a move or a sound, I'll talk to them, don't cry Leena, you'll be fine, just stay there." She closed the door behind me and moved her clothing back into place. I then heard the closet door close. I was shocked to hear Dr. Varava's voice. I can imagine him and his crones with a straight jacket ready to carry me away in an ambulance with the police in tow. I heard my sister telling them that I wasn't here and that she hadn't heard from me.

The police informed her that they would search the house and I could hear them rumaging around every nook and cranny. Her house was small and before long they were in the bedroom. I heard the closet door open and the rustling of clothing. To my surprise the authorities did not notice the small crawlspace door and I hear the closet door close again. For a good ten minutes the men searched. "If you hear anything from Leena Klammer, you are bound by law to call the police and myself immedietely" I heard Dr. Varava bark. "Yes, sir" she replied. "But again she is not here, she must have run off into the country." I breathed a sigh of relief for I knew I was safe.

Soon the closet door opened and my sister opened up the door to the dark crawlspace. "Give me your hand" she whispered. I did so and she pulled me out. "Syrah, thank you so much, I owe everything to you now!" I sobbed. "Let's just hope they stay gone, theres a chance they could come back" she told me. I nodded. Suddenly Syrah took my hands and noticed something. She stared at my wrists and then my neck. "Honey?" she asked. "How did you get these terrible scars?" I smirked. "My straight jacket, I was always fighting to get out of it and it cut into me" I told her. She simply nodded in concern.

"Listen sweetie, we've had a long night, are you hungry?" she asked. "No" I replied. "In that case lets get some sleep and we can both think with clearer heads in the morning Leena, hop into bed but I'm warning you if you make a move on me again I'll break your neck" she laughed. "I'm sorry about that Syrah, please, I'm just..." She cut me off and put her finger to my lips. "I understand, lets just get some sleep, all the doors are locked, we'll be safe tonight and we'll figure out what to do tomorrow, I'll make us a nice breakfast" she said softly. She bent over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. We climbed into bed together. "Good night Leena, welcome home". I kissed Syrah on the forehead. "I'm glad to be here, good night Syrah" I said lovingly.

I was still scared and nervous. The manhunt was going on outside the house. I laid there is bed next to my sister wondering what I would do next. I knew sooner or later I would have to become Esther again. I would have to put on the dresses and the hair ribbons and play the part once again. Although I listened to Syrah's logic I knew that if I did this I would eventually find a man to accept me and a father figure is the only form I know. I knew I had to but not now. For now I could try and rest easy. It took me over an hour but I was so exhausted that I eventually fell asleep despite all the emotional and mental turmoil rolling through my mind. What the next day would bring was a mystery to the both of us...

**In Chapter 5 Leena must pass herself off as Esther in order to make it in public but will Syrah go along with the idea? Will Leena stay in Syrah's home or run off to an orphanage to find another family? More shortly...thanks to everybody for the continued feedback...writers thrive off it! I will be continuing this series for a good while to come...**


	5. A Forbidden Desire

**In Chapter 4, Leena and Syrah get into an argument over Leena's intentions among other things. Leena also reveals she has a sexual and romantic attraction to her sister. Meanwhile, Syrah must hide Leena when Dr. Varava and the authorities arrive. After the authorities leave the two sisters try to sleep. In this chapter Leena once again takes on the role of Esther and her romantic and sexual obsession with her sister turns potentially violently suicidal as she again tries to find the love she craves...**

"Leena, Leena, wake up!" I felt a slight nudge on my shoulder as I awoke from a deep sleep. I rolled over and opened my eyes as they tried to adjust to the bright sunlight that was flooding the room, casting it's glorious rays across the floor. My sister stood over me with a plate full of food. "Good morning sweetheart, I made you breakfast" my sister chimed. I yawned. Bluebery pancakes. "Oh, thank you!" I exclaimed taking the plate from her hand. This was the first decent meal I had had in six years. To this day, I can still remember being fed from a tube when I was in a straight jacket. The food she made smelled delicious.

"Did they come looking for me again Syrah?" I asked a little worried. She shook her head, "I'm keeping the doors locked just in case but you know where to hide" she told me. "They did call though" she added. She stroked my head. "I bet your hungry, eat up dear". She left the bedroom and closed the door behind her. God I adored her! I knew I was falling in love with her. For the first time in six years I had somebody to attach myself to, somebody I could love and get close to, somebody who wouldn't judge me or try to restrain me or hurt me.

A surreal feeling swept over the core of my inner being with the realization that I was lying in a comfortable bed and eating a hot breakfast in a bright and peaceful home. I thought back to the nurse I stabbed the previous evening. "Wonder if the bitch is still breathing?" I asked myself. I thought of Dr. Varava and how paniced he must have been at that moment. I pretty much inhaled my breakfast and put the plate aside. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep.

Syrah opened the door with a newspaper in her hand. "Read it!" she exclaimed. "With outburst of violence, 7 time murderer Leena Klammer escaped from mental hospital" read the caption on the front page. "Oh son of a fucking bitch" I shouted sitting up. I stared at a hospital photograph of myself staring coldly into the camera. I felt the fear hit me again as I read the article describing the attacks from the previous night and the ensuing manhunt that was now going on outside my sister's home.

"Leena, you have to stay in the house" Syrah told me matter of factly. "Theres just too many people looking for you". I sighed and placed a pillow over my face. A muffled scream escaped my lips as the frustration set in. I slammed my fists into the bed repeatedly. I cried out in frustration. "I KNOW IT, I FUCKING KNOW IT, THEY KNOW I'M HERE!" I cried. Syrah sat down on the bed as I sobbed under the pillow. "Honey, the authorities think you fled, I convinced them of it, just stay in the house and you'll be safe" she assured me. "I won't let anything happen to you".

I tried my best to regain my composure. I sat up on the side of the bed, my body trembling. I stood up and sat down at my sister's vanity and just stared in the mirror. I put my hands on my face and stared back at the monster that I knew that I was. Without the make-up and the fancy dresses I was just a deluded woman. A broken woman. A hopeless and mentally disturbed woman. I was still dressed in my hospital clothing. Syrah sat and watched me as I looked myself over. I could tell she was still very concerned and rightfully so. I stood up silently. I gave her a kiss. "Thank you for breakfast, I need a shower more than anything" I told her. "Down the hallway, first door on the right" she told me.

As I undressed I couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness. I hoped a warm shower would calm me down. I stepped into the shower as the steam began to fill the small room. I stood in the shower and wept. I couldn't help myself. "They're going to catch you today Leena" I said aloud. "Your going back to that horrible room in that horrible hospital". I cried so much these last 24 hours that I had run out of tears. I was an emotional wreck and only my sister was capable of keeping me together. I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack.

I felt as if my sanity was hanging by a thread. I slammed my fists against the shower wall in total hopelessness as I continued to sob. After a few minutes of self-pity I turned off the shower, stepped out, and dried myself off. I used my sister's hair dryer and brush and wrapped the towel around my pathetic frame of a body. I walked back to Syrah's bedroom, rubbing my hands together in anxiety. She was no longer in the room but had gone down into the basement to do the laundry.

My sister possessed all of my "Esther" dresses and various possessions of mine. She took possession of them once I became incarcerated at Saarne. I knew she must have them around here somewhere. I searched her closet and came across a large oak chest. I opened it gingerly a sure enough found my dresses and all of the other crap I had left behind. I smiled. I knew dressing as a little girl was the only way to disguise myself and honestly these were the only clothes I owned. I pulled out a light pink dress, a pair of white tights, and my black shoes and proceeded to dress myself. I wrapped guaze around my chest to hide my breasts.

I took out my make-up kit which was also in the chest and spent the better part of the next hour fixing up my face. I applied the powder and the foundation, trying to erase all signs of aging on my face. To this end, I was successful. I tied my hair in pony tails on either side with some light blue ribbons and parted my hair in the middle. Leena had now become "Esther" once more!

I had placed my Bible down on the vanity the evening before. I picked it up once more and proceeded to look at the photographs of my male victims again. "I want to be part of a family again but not now Leena, not now" I told myself. I thought back to my sister's words the night before about not harming another family. I wanted to listen to her but I felt like it was a mission of mine to try again until i could find a man who would accept me for who I was.

I stared at my pale face in the mirror and admired myself. "Your a pretty little girl, arn't you?" I told myself. I searched the drawers to the vanity and found several dark red ribbons. I proceeded to wrap them around my wrists and neck to cover my scars. I thought they looked rather cute! I heard the bedroom door open. Of course, it was only Syrah. I stood up and bowed my knees. "Hello. My name is Esther" I said sweetly. "Oh Jesus Christ, already with this Leena!" she asked. "Thank you for holding on to everything" I told her. "You know Esther is the only disguise I have". "Your not planning on running off all of a sudden are you Leena?" she asked. "I'm warning you right now don't be a fool!" she warned. "All's well that ends well" I told her.

"Besides, don't you think I look pretty?" I asked her. "You look ridiculous" she added. I admit these outfits were terribly outdated but I knew nobody would suspect a thing. "Why don't I buy you some new clothing?" she asked. I didn't answer her but changed the subject right away. I walked past her and exited the doorway and entered into her living room. I took a seat on the couch. She followed me. "You know I did think alot about what you said last night Syrah" I told her. She sat down next to me. "And?" she asked. "Well, I still want to play the adoption game again but trust me not now" I assured her. "And what about controlling your rage, your mental illness?" she asked. "I'll cross that bridge once I get to it." She stared at me puzzled. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asked. "I'll deal with my problems in my own way" I explained. "How? By killing again?" she asked concerned.

"What will happen if the next "father" turns you down, is another family going to pay the price?" she asked. She put her hand on my chin and lifted my head. "Look at me when I'm talking to you sister and answer my question because I need to be sure your not going to hurt anybody else." she said a little louder now. "I thought we discussed this exact same thing last night" I told her. "I just hope to God your thinking clearly." she said in a concerned tone. "You don't know how lucky you are right now so don't do anything stupid thats going to piss your future away" she added. "What future?" I pleaded.

"As I said last night I can't live like you or another normal woman, this is all I know Syrah, the only life I can envision and if I have to live this way forever than I can be resigned to that fate" I tried to get her to see my side of the story. "It's either this or spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital, which fate would you want for me Syrah?" I stared longingly into her beautiful eyes, searching for an answer. She put her hands on my shoulders and faced me. "I want a good life for you, one where you can be happy and normal and free from this Esther nonsense and free from your mental hell" she whispered.

"Don't pity me Syrah, lets just enjoy each other's company, why should we fight and cause problems?" I asked. I scooted closer to her and placed my head on her arm. "I'm just worried about what's in store for you Leena" she said shaking her head. "You can call me Esther if you like" I smiled. "You're Leena Klammer dear, and that's what your staying". "You know Syrah, without you I would probably be dead right now" I whispered. "Without you, a sister to turn to, where would I go?" I asked.

"Whom could I trust, I would be in the gutter, or surely back in the nut house". "As I said this home is yours honey" she added, "and for as long as you want, just stay with me Leena, it will be alright if you just stay with me" she clutched my hand in hers. "We can go out in public later but you have to wait til everything dies down". I took solace in the warmth of her touch. She was so caring. So beautiful. And so very attractive.

"You know Syrah, daddy never even cared for me as much as you do" I cooed. "Your my only friend now, my only companion, and the only anchor in which to secure myself on". Syrah held onto me. I took her left hand. "We all need that anchor in life Syrah, that one person to truly complete and compliment them, to nurture their very eccense of mind and soul, and your that someone" I whispered. I took her hand and placed it up my skirt and onto my thigh. I rubbed her hand gently up and down my thigh.

She gulped. "Leena" she said sternly but softly. "Now I thought I explained this to you last night" she said. "You like the way this feels, don't you?" I asked. I bit my lower lip in ecstasy. I was getting excited by the touch of her hand against my tights. "Touch me sister" I begged. She withdrew her hand quickly. She just shook her head, eyes wide in stunned confusion. "I brought you into my home Leena, now please just stop it honey, PLEASE!" she begged. I stayed close to her but I remained calm.

"And I'm so grateful for your hospitality" I replied sitting up on my knees and facing her. I whispered into her ear. "Now Syrah, let me return the favor". "Just let me take care of you". I began kissing the side of her neck. She was frozen in near panic. I once again tried kissing her on the lips. She sat there quivering as I once again tasted the inside of her mouth. I held her head tight against mine as I passionately let my tongue dance inside of her mouth. I pressed my lips hard against hers. I was about to feel her breasts before she cried out and shoved me hard off of her. I fell over on the other side of the couch. "Your lips are like candy" I smiled wickedly at her as I awaited an answer.

"No..Lee..Leena..no...we...we...no...My God..." she was speechless. She regained her composure to the best of her ability. "Honey, I know what you did with father seems right to you but I am not your lover what fucking part of that don't you understand" she responded in a quivering voice. She stood up. "I feel like throwing you out of here right now, I...I cannot fucking believe you just did that again...I'M ABSOLUTELY MORITIFIED BY YOU" she shouted. "WHAT IN GOD'S HOLY NAME ARE YOU THINKING" she screamed. Her voice suddenly softened. "Why are you behaving like this honey, I know you haven't had affection in years but you know right from wrong". My eyes teared up at the rejection. "Leena, you're just so very sick, you're very screwed up but please understand I'll never love you like that" she said softly. Crying, I stood up and ran into the bedroom and slammed the door behind me.

I collapsed in a ball on the floor. "WHY MUST I BE REJECTED BY HER?" I cried my little heart out. I was so confused, so hurt, so broken. Father loved me romantically, why couldn't she do the same? With anger and resentment growing inside me I stood up. "You dirty little girl" I said to myself in the mirror. "ESTHER!" I screamed. "Not good enough for Syrah Klammer ARE YOU!" I shouted at my reflection. "Leena open the door honey, I'm angry but I just want to talk, I won't yell at you, you're just confused" she pleaded. I didn't respond. I opened the drawer of her vanity and found a razor blade. I put it to my wrists. Syrah opened the door. "Leena...please understand..." she was cut off in mid sentence when she seen the razor blade that I now held to my wrists. Tears poured down my face as the rejection set into my soul.

"Oh God, no, honey, put that blade down right now" she pleaded. "I disgust you, don't I?" I asked her. "I swear to God Syrah I'll slit my wrists right here, I'll die in your arms" I shouted. "Leena, do I need to take you to the emergency room?" she asked. "I know why your distraught but for Christ's sake you know where I'm coming from, you think this behavior is normal because of what our father did to us but honey it's not, now put down that razor blade before you hurt yourself" she begged. I sat up on my knees, I must have truly looked pathetic. I couldn't find the words for her. My hand shook uncontrolably as I held the razor to my wrist. I was lost in my own hell of rejection and torment.

She came over to me and grabbed my hand. "Just drop the razor Leena, it's okay, I forgive you, drop the razor, come on, drop it". "SYRAH! Please! I want to DIE!" I shouted. She squeezed my tiny hand open and removed the razor from my hand. She dropped to her knees and embraced me. "Please realize I know this isn't your fault, I told you that last night and I told you again but I won't tolerate this any more, if you try it again Leena your going to have to leave, I...I can't deal with it! It's sick!" she stated. "No! Please, I have nowhere to go!" I pleaded. "I...no...Leena, I won't kick you out no matter what...but you know right from wrong...now get a fucking hold of yourself and learn self-control, six years in that hospital without much human interaction, I can see now why your so damaged." she told me. I nodded.

She put her finger in my face. "Don't let it happen again Leena!". "You must hate my guts!" I sobbed. "Your just disturbed but you know what, just go watch some TV or lie down or something...I...I...Leena, I still can't believe you just did that!" she said in disgust. "Incest...my God...father has you so screwed up in the head...it's so not your fault!" I nodded again. "Where the hell are you getting the idea that I'd respond favorably to that?" she asked. I shrugged, "I'm so alone" I cried. "Leena, lie back down and take a nap so I can figure out what the hell we're going to do next, I have to make you stable somehow" she said softly.

"Just stay calm...everything will be okay but you need to meet me halfway, alright...alright Leena". I nodded. "I promise it won't happen again" I said. I stopped crying and regained my composure. "I need time to think" Syrah said. I stood up and crawled back into bed still wearing my dress. I was caught somewhere between rejection, self-pity, and self-disgust. "I want to go out in public soon" I asked. "I want to see the outside world" I told her innocently. "Not now Leena, not until it's safe then I promise I'll take you out with me." she replied. "Just let me think for now Leena and you try to stay well, I love you" she said longingly. "I love you too but please don't leave me alone for too long" I pleaded. She nodded. It wasn't long before I drifted off asleep again, trying my best to put the morning's pain behind me...

**In Chapter 6, Syrah becomes ever disturbed as Leena begins preying on one of her massage therapy clients. The authorities return but will Leena still be there...I am really enjoying everybody's feedback and I as always greatly appreciate it! I thank everybody for reading!**


	6. Fear And Predation

_**In Chapter 5, Leena once again took on the role of Esther. Again she tried to romantically seduce her sister. After being rejected a second time she makes a failed suicide attempt and becomes more emotionally unbalanced...**_

_After being rejected by Syrah for a second time I found it nearly impossible to go back to sleep especially with it being daylight outside. I did fall to sleep though. I dreamt that I was back at the Saarne Institute, tied down to the bed in my straight jacket. The dream was so real. I cried and whimpered in my sleep. It was truly a disturbing and unsettling nightmare. I dreamt Dr. Varava and his staff were laughing at me in the room as I stuggled to break free. It wasn't long before I woke up to my sister standing over me, her long black hair tied behind her head in a ponytail._

_"Just checking to see if your okay dear...your crying" she told me softly. I was so relieved to find myself still in my sister's house. "Just a horrible dream" I told her. "No authorities yet?" I asked. She shook her head. "I'm telling you again your not leaving this house until I tell you to" she said. Not that that mattered - I feel I would be jumped as soon as I exited the door. I sat on the edge of the bed, still dressed as "Esther", and put my head in my hands. _

_"Get it together, Leena" I told myself out loud. "It was just a dream, it can't hurt you". My sister stroked my hair. "Are you sure your okay Leena?" she asked concerned. I nodded in agreement. "Come out of the bedroom dear, I have a young woman who's coming over soon for a massage" she told me. I stood up and yawned. I looked at the clock - almost 3 in the afternoon. _

_I remembered that my sister was a massage therapist and had a steady stream of clients in her home on a daily basis. We walked into the living room and Syrah brought me a bowl of oatmeal for lunch. "Sorry honey this is all I have, I need to go grocery shopping" she said. "Believe me it's better than eating out of a fucking tube!" I told her. "They fed you out of a TUBE?" she asked surprised. "When your in a straight jacket, yes, that's how they feed you" I told her matter of factly. She was shocked and puzzled by this new admission._

_I turned on the TV, she had a huge plasma screen (she was certainly well-off financially). I flipped to a news station. Syrah sat down next to me with her own bowl of oatmeal. A newswoman appeared on screen. "In other news, this coming from local police, authorities have released information that escaped mental patient Leena Klammer has..." I changed the channel in mid-sentence in a panic as I seen my hospital photo flash on the screen. I broke down crying and buried my head in Syrah's lap. I sobbed and sobbed. "The whole fucking country knows now!" I cried into her lap. "Now Leena, we both need to stay calm in this situation. _

_I mean look at me. If the authorities found out I were hiding you I could go to prison and lose everything I've worked for" she told me. "Am I a burden or a risk to you then?" I said sitting back up. "Oh God, no Leena, I'm just worried for the both of us" she told me. She put her hand under my chin and gently lifted my head. "I love you to death though." She took my hand in hers. "That's why I'm doing this, I'll risk it just to keep you safe, trust me your NOT going back to that hospital but Leena, Dr. Varava told me something and I want to know why you did it." I became a little tense._

_"What's that?" I asked. "He said you assaulted him and an orderly and nearly stabbed a nurse to death" she said calmly. _

_I cast my eyes down from hers in shame. I didn't feel remorse for what I had done but I hated to see my sister become hurt by my actions. "I won't lie to you Syrah, yes I was violent to escape from that ward. I was so worked up because..." Syrah cut me off mid-sentence. "You tried to seduce your doctor...I know...he told me everything." I gulped and searched for words but she continued talking instead. "Thats what worries me Leena, that your still violent, I mean you did this last night!" she said worried. _

_"Syrah, I promise, you don't have to worry about that with me. You know your my best friend, you're the only person I have left." I cried out. "I'm not worried about you hurting me, I know you would never do that, I just don't want you hurting anybody else, I told you this earlier, now PROMISE me your NOT going to hurt another soul" she proclaimed. "Syrah Klammer, I promise I will not hurt another soul" I lied out loud to her. For this I felt guilty for. Surely if somebody provoked me or threatened me or denied me again there was sure to be blood on my hands. _

_The only reason I didn't kill my sister for rejecting me romantically was because my love for her was infinate. Even if she were to turn me into the hospital I would never harm her. We were far too close for me to ever do anything to harm her. Still, the same could not be said for anybody else. To me, the entire six billion people on planet Earth were expendable, I could throw any man, woman, or child out like yesterday's garbage and it wouldn't bother me one damn bit. Syrah was, and is, the only exception to that._

_"Your so out of touch Leena, father screwed you up in the head so badly, I hope you being here with me improves your well being. I could see why you attacked those staff last night. If I spent six years in a straight jacket and locked in a room by myself I might possibly have done the same." she said understandably. "Still, Leena, those people are human beings, and you have to start placing value on human life." I nodded. _

_"I'll say this again Syrah, you, and you alone are the only person I now care about. The whole world could burn to the ground and I would care less. So long as I have you". I smiled at her. "Your sweet dear" she said gently. "Again I hope staying with me will make you feel better" she added. "I'm still disturbed though about your...um..."affections" towards me." she said. I shurgged. "I know your wishes now and I won't kiss you again, I respect your wishes" I replied. I couldn't promise this, either. My sister was incredibly beautiful, her small nose and pert lips, her perfect black hair that she always kept tied in the back and parted in the middle. She was the mirror image of me had I grown. A beautiful example of what a woman should be. What I yearned to be but never could. I envied her in every way. I adored her to no end. I could go on forever about her!_

_I remember that the doorbell rang. I clenched onto the couch cushions and prepared for the worst. My sister had accidently left the front door unlocked and suddenly in flung open. "Police Department!". My eyes were wide as saucers as two officers entered the living room. Syrah was just as paniced as I was. Her eyes darted over to me in terror and then back to the officers. Surely it was over! I was not only going back to the hospital but I had gotten Syrah into trouble as well. Luckily, with my make-up and dress I could play the part. Suddenly, I lept off the couch and ran over to my still stunned sister. _

_"MOMMY!" I shouted as I threw myself around her waist. She looked down at me and immedietely knew to go along with what I was doing. "This is a surprise raid!" said one of the men. "Your department was just here less than 24 hours ago!" Syrah yelled. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we have been ordered to search your home one more time." The officer stared down at me and to a photo of the "adult" me he was holding in his hand. "Who is this?" he asked. Syrah clutched on to me for dear life. I could feel her heart racing along with mine. "This is my daughter Esther, she's nine years old" my sister said nervously. The officer looked me over and seemed to be confused by my obviously outdated and outlandish choice in fashion. The officers proceeded to search the house for the very person that was standing right in front of them._

_Syrah kissed me on the top of the head and got down on her knees. She hugged me. I was on the verge of tears again. I was so terrified. My knees shook uncontrollably and I could barely stand on my own power. "They won't take you, ssshhhhh, just keep playing along with it darling" she whispered. I felt comforted. She stood up and squeezed my hand in hers. "Why the hell did you leave the door unlocked" I whispered. _

_"I'm sorry" she pleaded. The two officers came back after several minutes of fruitless effort. I looked at them as if I were just a frightened doe-eyed little girl. "It's okay little one" said one of the officers. "We're just looking for a very bad woman" he said in a voice as if he were talking to a small child. I simply nodded and held my sister's hand ever tighter in my own. "I'm telling you she hasn't been here and she hasn't tried to contact me" Syrah told them convincingly. "Now please, just leave us alone!" she begged. _

_"Miss Klammer, you know what to do should she contact you." said the officer. He was rather handsome in my opinion! "Yes, I'll be in touch" she said nodding her head. "Well then...the two of you have a nice day and we apologize for the inconveniance" he added. The two men tipped their hats and were on their way. I felt like having a heart attack! Syrah released her grip from my hand and closed the door making absolute sure to lock it securely. She put her back up against the door and put her hand over her chest, sighing deeply in relief. "Too close" were the only words she could manage. I ran over to her and hugged her for what seemed to be the 50th time around the waist. She ran her hand down the length of my back. "It's fine now baby, we're in the clear" she said._

_"I'm so sorry I put you in this position Syrah, I don't want to get you into trouble" I told her still on the verge of tears. "We're both alright now sweetheart. I doubt they'll be back." she said trying to bring comfort to my trouble mind. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I jumped back with a slight screech and Syrah turned around stunned pushing me behind her. She looked through the peephole and sighed once again. "It's just my client who is scheduled!" was said in relief. I took a deep breath as we tried to quickly regain our composure._

_ She unlocked the door and a young woman of about 28 or 29 entered. "Hello Mashka" said my sister sweetly. These two seemed to know each other. "Come inside!" The smiling young woman was about the same height and small build as my sister but she had long blond hair that danced down her back. I found her to be quite attractive. I sat on the couch, my hands folded in my lap. "Mashka, this is my daughter Esther, Esther this is Mashka, a longtime client of mine." I smiled at her and stood up and bowed my knees. I shook her hand. "It's a sincere pleasure to meet you" I said sweetly. "So cute. I'm surprised we've never met before" Mashka commented. Like my sister and I she had a thick Estonian accent. Like the officers, Mashka seemed taken aback by my dress._

_Syrah smiled and proceeded the lead Mashka to a small bedroom behind the living room. Syrah closed the door behind her. Curious, I stood up and approached the door. It was still open slightly and I peered inside. Syrah was lighting some candles as soothing music played softly over a portable radio. I became extremely excited as I watched Mashka undress herself until she was completely nude. If only Syrah would do that for me! Mashka then laid face down on the massage table. Syrah covered her rear end with a white towel. _

_Syrah applied some massage oil to the young woman's back and began the massage process. I would ask Syrah later for a massage, I could use one! For a few moments I watched, it was very relaxing, but my mind was on what was going on outside the house. I soon lost interest and sat back down on the couch. I feared turning on the television for fear of seeing my image plastered all over the media. It was bad enough seeing myself in the paper!_

_After about ten minutes or so Syrah left the room. "Anything amidst?" I asked her. "Just gotta use the bathroom" she explained. She went down the hallway and I heard the bathroom door close behind her. I smiled and stood up. Slowly I approached the room where Mashka was still lying in all her naked beauty. Mashka is such a beautiful name. It is Russian for Maria. I opened the door and entered. The woman raised her head up and seemed shocked to see me standing there. She was still face down, her butt covered by the towel. "Um, yes, what, what is it Esther?" the woman asked. "Did your mother tell you to come in here?" she asked. _

_"I just want to talk, I don't have a whole lot of friends" I told her shyly, playing the little girl part for all it was worth. "Oh...well, I'm sorry to hear that Esther" she said understandably. I approached the young woman and sat down softly on the edge of the padded massage table. "So are you married...any children?" I asked. "No, not at the moment" she said. "How old are you?" she asked. "Thir..." I caught myself. "I'm nine years old" I told her. She didn't seem to notice the slip-up. Slowly and cautiously I placed my tiny hands on the young woman's back and began giving her a massage myself. The sound of the gentle and relaxing music filled the room as the candles cast their soft light against the bare beige walls. I massaged her neck muscles. _

_"Oh, you take after your mother!" she laughed. I giggled. She didn't know that I was trying to come on to her. "Yes, my mommy taught me" I said innocently. I bent over and breathed softly on the back of her neck. "You're a very pretty lady" I whispered into her ear. "Thank you child, your very kind" she said. She didn't know that I was a 32 year old woman preying on her vulnerability. I wanted from her what my sister was denying me. I gently rubbed my nose against the side of her neck._

_I sat back up and gently ran my hands down to the small of her back. I bent over again and was getting ready to kiss her neck when Syrah walked back into the room. "ESTHER!" she shouted. "Get out of here right now! No! Don't bother mommie's clients!" she said wagging her finger at me. I hugged her. "Oh mommy don't be mad!" I begged. "I was just keeping the nice lady company" I told her sweetly. Syrah bent over and whispered into my ear. "Leena you sit on the couch right now, I'll have a word with you when I'm finished with Mashka" she whsipered angrily. She knew for sure what I was up to. I kissed her on the cheek and hurried back to the couch. _

_The door closed once again and for about the next hour I was left by myself. My mind was moving at a mile a minute. Will the authorities return yet again? How pissed is Syrah? Where do I go from this point? What now? What now? What do I do NOW? I stood up and gently pushed the blinds opened and stared out in the street. I watched a mother and a little girl of about 4 or 5 walking down the street hand in hand. They looked so happy, a mother and child just living their lives. I longed to be a mother and a wife for years now. I knew it was little more than a fantasy. I felt sad as I watched the two walk out of my line of sight. "Maybe I should just kill myself" I said aloud in a quiet tone._

_I looked up as the bedroom door opened and Leena led out a re-clothed and relaxed Mashka to the front door. She smiled at Mashka as the two chit-chatted briefly before they said their goodbyes. Mashka turned to me and shook my hand once more. "It was a pleasure meeting you Esther" she said gently. I bowed my knees again and smiles sweetly. "You as well Mashka". She smiled at me and thanked my sister once again before leaving. Syrah closed the door and turned to me. She looked more than a little pissed off. _

_"Now Leena" she said angrily. "What the hell were you doing with her?" she said pointing to the door. "Syrah, I swear it was nothing, I was just talking to her...", Syrah cut me off. "Why the hell were you massaging her?" she asked. "And don't lie to me!" she added. "I just wanted, to be honest, to...to touch her" I shrugged. "You looked like you were about to kiss her" Syrah accused me. "No Syrah...nothing like that (again I was lying and for that I felt guilty)...honestly". Syrah sighed. "Don't do that to my clients ever again do you understand me?" she scolded. "Mashka didn't take it the wrong way" I replied. "Still in all" Syrah rebuked._

_"Can I get a massage like that?" I asked. "I guess so Leena but firstly your keeping you're clothes on and secondly you better not take it as being something romantic between us." she said a little upset. "Fair enough" I said. She pointed to the bedroom and entered with her in tow. I laid down on the massage table that was still warm from Mashka's body heat. I laid face down. "This is Core Relaxation Massage Leena - this will help your stress" she explained. I nodded. She walked behind me and took off my shoes and started with a foot massage. Very relaxing. So much so that I could finally take my mind off of things. She worked her way up my legs and to my back. _

_Syrah proceeded to pour me a glass of red wine that was sitting on a table in the corner. She poured herself a glass as well. "Always keep it on hand for my clients" she explained. "This feels very nice, thank you" I cooed. I took the glass of wine and extended the glass. "To Syrah Klammer, my best friend and sister, to you I wish long life, prosperity, and happiness" I exlaimed. She laughed. "To you Leena Klammer, my best friend and sister, a life free from pain, a life of love and joy and happiness and wonderment. May you find true love one day darling." We toasted our glasses and I took the first sip of alcohol I had in years. _

_I gulped the drink down with relish as Syrah continued to melt my stress away. The moment felt romantic and I was content with that. _

_The massage took about an hour and afterwards I felt fantastic but of course the lingering fears still held true in my heart. My freedom I knew was dangling by a very fine thread - a threat that could be cut at any moment. I put my shoes back on and followed my sister back into the living room. As it was November it would be nighttime soon. It was past 4:30 now. _

_"Come into the backyard with me Leena" my sister beckoned. "I believe your coats are in that chest" she told me. "Good, because I want to finally go the fuck outside" I exclaimed. I felt relieved that I could go outside, in my six years at the Saarne Institute I was NEVER allowed outdoors and besides last night I hadn't been outside in all that time. I found my long dark blue overcoat with the oversized black buttons in my sister's bedroom and slid it over my dress. We went out the back door and I was greeted by the chilly air of a crisp Estonian autumn evening. She had a narrow yet long backyard. There was a large maple tree, now devoid of it's leaves, towards the back of the house __underneath which was a bench. _

_Grasping Syrah's hand we took a seat. We had a perfect view of the setting sun over the horizon. The last glorious rays of the day cast their aura over our faces as the sky was painted in a beautiful pastel of purples, pinks, oranges and reds. I kissed Syrah. "I love you always" I told her. She returned the kiss. "Now and forever" she added. I adored that she wanted to be so close to me. I put my head on her arm and we held hands. She kissed my head again. Smiling, the peace I hadn't felt in years consumed the very fiber and eccense of my being. Yes, I still yearned to be adopted by a family but for now...just for now...I wasn't the violent sociopath that I had been made out to be._

_ I was a calm and collected woman enjoying the company of a loved one. I knew we would share more days like this together. The sun set slowly. Our breath condensed in the chilly air. We held each other. We lost ourselves in the magic of the moment and bonded with each other in a way all siblings should. It was a perfect ending to the day. Peace and serenity filled us both and I knew she was overwhelmed with gladness that I was home. I was grateful for her and always would be. If there was a Heaven...I felt like I was in it right at that moment. Not in a straight jacket or drugged up on medication but in a true place of peaceful bliss. As the glory of the day faded we went back inside. "May tomorrow bring such peace as this for my sister and I" I said to myself. "Now and forever"..._

_**I will be resuming college courses this month (August of 2010) so it will probably be some time before I can continue with this series and put out Chapter 7. It will also probably be awhile before I can get back to all of your e-mails and PM's. Please know though that this series is pretty far from over. I intend to write to where she is adopted by the Sullivans, then the Colemans, and then from her life afterwards. Studying and school and work will keep me busy for awhile though but please bear with me. As always your suggestions and compliments/criticisms I always welcome! Keep reading and writing everybody:-)**_


	7. A Fateful Decision

**In Chapter 6, Leena was nearly discovered by the authorities but thanks to her wit managed to stay a free woman. Afterwards she attempts to seduce one of her sister's massage therapy clients. Leena and her sister continue bonding but Leena knows the time they have together is limited...**

A number of weeks passed. The days grew shorter and colder as Autumn advanced it's icy grip upon the land. The days were monotonous. Every day I went about the same routine. The make-up, the false teeth, the dresses and the ribbons, knowing full well I had to stay in constant disguise to keep myself free from Dr. Varava's grasp. My sister and I remained closer than ever and surely we were deeply enjoying each other's company. Yet every night when I rested next to her the thoughts of having a family of my own crept ever intrusively into my thoughts and dreams. As much as I craved my sister's affections, the dream of having a family of my own was becoming ever stronger. It was now early December and it was a typical day.

It was a Sunday. Syrah had no clients and I sat on the TV reading a book as she went about various chores. For days now, no matter how hard I tried to shake it, I knew the time to find another family was nearing. I wanted to bring this issue up with Syrah. She still would not take me out in public, she was terrified to do so. I had to face the facts. As much as I wanted to stay with Syrah forever I knew my future would be bleak. I couldn't stay stuck in her home for the rest of my life. I knew now was the time to take another gamble, to take another shot, maybe...just maybe this time I could find a man. Maybe I could find somebody to be a wife and a lover too. Maybe I could find a child or children to be a mother to. Maybe I could finally have a household of my own. One in which I was loved and appreciated and respected and cared for. As much as I craved romance from Syrah I knew I would never find it under her roof and I understood that. Her love for me and my love for her was limitless but even if we were in love surely we could never start a family of our own. I placed the book down and became lost in thought for a brief time.

"Syrah...SYRAH!" I hollered. "Yes?" she inquired from the kitchen. "Um, I want to talk to you about something important like right now" I told her. Without a word she came in dressed in a pair of jeans that showed off her cute rear end. I tried to avert my gaze and focus on the matter at hand! She sat down next to me. "What is it darling?" she asked softly. I clasped my hands in my lap and measured my words. I wasn't quite sure how I would go about this conversation. I leaned back on the sofa and looked her in the eyes. "Syrah, I've told you time and again how much I appreciate the fact that you've let me stay here in this wonderful home" I began. She smiled and nodded at me. "And I know how you feel about what I am going to say but you need to hear me out." I continued. "Yes?" she asked. "I know it still may be dangerous for me but Syrah I really want to leave and try to find another family again". I felt embarassed that I had just said this! The smile dropped from my sister's face and a look of true concern replaced it. She rubbed her hands together searching for her own words.

"Leena, I know so much how badly you want a family to call your own. I know how badly you want a lover and children and a home and a family and I do understand where your coming from" she went on. I was glad she was calm and composed. "But sweetheart, you know from last time that even if you do get adopted at some point there is virtually no chance you can obtain these things through pretending to be a child". I looked at her and listened. "We both know too about how volatile you are and I don't need to say again I fear you may hurt somebody should you become rejected again". I nodded in understanding as I could see her point of view as clear as day. "Syrah, lets face the facts" I replied. "I'm not getting any younger, I'll be 33 come Springtime, the years are flying by. I'm not going to go through life a childless, loverless, and lonely human being." My sister interrupted. "Lonely?" she placed her hands over her heart. "But you have me Leena, you know that!" I nodded again. "Yes, and you do take my loneliness away but Syrah I'll do anything to be a lover to somebody, anything to raise a child, anything to just have a family to call my own. I mean your my only living relation Syrah. You may be my rock but I need to reach for my own goals and needs." Syrah seemed understanding.

I continued talking. "We both know I can't go around as anything but Esther." I added. "Who the hell would want to start a family with a mental patient like myself!" Syrah hugged me. I felt like weeping. "No man except a pervert would want a nine year old girl as their partner" she told me bluntly. "Leena, if your ever going to find true love you need to behave like an adult." I nodded but retorted. "I have no choice but to be Esther in this country." I responded. She just shook her head, releasing her embrace. "Keep in mind though Leena, you can't just trick a man who thinks your his adopted daughter into romance. I'm sorry honey but that will never work in real life. You have to see the situation for what it is!" she went on.

"Syrah...it sounds fucking crazy but please I know it can work...just somehow...somehow it can work!" I said excitedly clasping my hands together. "If it didn't work out last time Leena, and look what happened, what makes you think it would work a second time, or a third, or a fourth for that matter?" she replied matter of factly. She knew how to kill my buzz sometimes! "I'm sorry sister but I don't know of any other way. I..." Syrah stopped me mid-sentence. "I think it's just because you want a father figure in your life honey. You were romantically attracted to father and that's all you know. That's why I think you believe this will work. That another man will "love" in the same sick way our father did. That somehow he would give up his wife for you". She certainly got me on that point. I shrugged. "Perhaps your correct" I told her. "Oh, I know I'm correct" she went on. "Syrah, with all opinions and debates aside, would you approve of me if I told you I wanted to get adopted again as soon as possible?" I asked without hesitation. "Leena, I hate the words that come out of your mouth sometimes" she said in almost a whisper. "As much as I want to protect you Leena, your 32, your an adult woman and can make whatever choices you wish to make for yourself in life but do I in any possible way approve of your idea...not on a cold day in Hell!" she whipped.

I took the ribbon off from around my neck and showed the deep scar to my sister. "Sister! Six years I spent alone in a cell. Every night I fantasized about a family. Teaching a child to ride a bike. Holding an infant in my arms. Making love to a man who would love me unconditionally. These scars are a testament to how much I was willing to struggle to get what I dreamed of." I said ever so softly. I put the dark red ribbon back around my neck. "I can never conceive a child Syrah, we both know I'm infertile. I have to find a family where there already are children. I have to find the man of my dreams under the same roof. I know it sounds impossible. Insane. I know it sounds fruitless but please let me have another chance at happiness!" I pleaded.

"Syrah, and what if the daddy rejects you. What? Another knife to the chest. Another child's throat slashed? THATS what worries me, and I'll say that til I'm blue in the face" she stated with a slight sense of anger. "Syrah I already promised you I would never hurt anybody again, don't you trust me?" I asked in a near whisper. "I honestly don't know Leena, and I don't say that to offend you or hurt you but once a murderer...well..." she went silent.

"Wait right here Syrah and I'll be right back!" I snapped. I went into the bedroom and to my wooden chest. A few days prior I had printed out some information about a Russian Orphanage known as Saint Joseph's located in Moscow. Of course we were a huge distance from that city but I had printed the material off the Internet and saved it in the chest. I went back into the living room and handed my sister the material. She immedietely put two and two together. "Let me guess" she sighed. "This is where you want to run off to? You want to leave the comfort of our home for some dingy second world orphanage?" she hissed. "I can't live like a recluse under your roof forever Syrah. Please...PLEASE my beautiful sister, best friend...let me take this chance! I won't be alive forever and I need the chance to finally live! Please understand me!" I begged.

She did seem understanding but obviously deeply disturbed. She seemed still unsettled about my true motivations for wanting to be adopted. She made some erratic facial expressions, she raised her finger, trying to find the right words.

"Leena...Leena...and...when do you exactly plan on going to this orphanage?" she asked inquisitively. I smiled slightly. "Well Syrah, as early as possible. Even...um...tomorrow even" I blurted out. Her eyes grew wide. "So just like that you want to leave your older sister?" she said in a louder and more condenscending tone. "Believe me Syrah I want to always be with you but please understand my needs" I told her. She stood up and paced in front of me, her hands clasped behind her back. "You're taking far too great a risk Leena if you do this. I swear to God there's no guarantee the authorities won't catch you in neither of us want that!" she said.

"I agree with you. But if we go to Russia, where this orphanage is, I mean it's hundreds of kilometers away. They won't know who I really am. Syrah, I KNOW I can do this! I have faith in myself this time" I said excitedly. "Your plans are ridiculous!" she snapped back at me in concern. "Your being a fool Leena but again your an adult, I won't stop you and I know I can't. I won't tell anybody Leena because I never want to see you in a horrible place like the Saarne Institute again but please understand all the concerns I HAVE". I looked up at her. I hugged her around the waist (I loved hugging her). "What love you have for me Syrah! It hurts me to leave you but please let me go!" I sobbed gently. Syrah let out a long sigh. I clutched onto her like a scared child. Inside I certainly felt like a scared child.

"Leena, I'll tell you what. If your so damn desperate to go to this orphanage, please just stay for tonight and sleep on it and if you still want to go in the morning I'll put you on a train to Moscow. I'll give you any money you need for your trip. But...BUT...you better keep your word that you will NOT harm another soul should you go to a family" she threatened. She began sobbing herself and placed her hand over her mouth. She got on her knees and we embraced. "If you leave I'll be so alone here" she said sobbing between tears. I couldn't help but to sob myself. "How long would it possibly be before I could even see you again, if ever?" she asked pleadingly. "Trust me my love, we WILL be keeping in touch! I don't need to sleep on this Syrah, I know it is something I MUST do but I will spend one last night with you. Share one last meal. Share one last hug and one last kiss." As much as I wanted to try kissing her again I was not going to spoil my sister's emotions. I would not ruin this moment. "I wish you wouldn't go through with this" she sobbed. "It has to be done Syrah...I have to do it...please, I'm sorry to leave you on just short notice but my need to do this is just too strong now. I love you so much Syrah, you have been such a kind and understanding and forgiving friend these past few weeks." I cried softly. "Oh Leena! I never knew how empty this house truly felt without you being here. I don't want it to feel that way again!" she said frustrated. "I'll be here in spirit Syrah, in your heart, and your spirit in mine." I told her softly. "It's not like you can't visit me once I become adopted or anything". She nodded and broke a smile. She stood back up and kissed me on the forehead. "Leena, I'm going to be worried sick about you once you leave! I've prayed for you every night for years. God brought you back to me for a reason I still don't fully understand. I hope I've helped you in some way." she whispered. "You have! You've made me feel alive again and made me feel loved again! I'm so grateful for you!" I told her.

"Darling, your fake passport, your fake identity papers, they're all still in that wooden chest" she added pointing to the bedroom. "I seen" I told her. "Can't get into Russia without them but once I get to the orphanage I'll just pretend I'm a street child. I'll dirty up one of my dresses and play the part" I told her with enthusiasm. "You would have made a great actress" Syrah joked laughing slightly. "I have suitcases and everything" she went on. "God, I wish you would just stay put" she added. I truly wish I could as well but fate was calling me back out into the world. I had to face the world yet again and chase my dream...my passion...my destiny. I would kill for a family...if only Syrah knew what I was still capable of she would never let me leave! I wouldn't burden her with such concerns, though. She was worried and distraught enough over my sudden decision to part ways. She sobbed gently and wiped her eyes with a tissue. I kept embracing her, trying to make her understand. It would be truly hard to leave a person who loves me this much, the only person on Planet Earth who DID in fact love me. My heart broke for her as I knew she would miss me. As the day wore on and the time ticked away I knew our time together was drawing to a sad close. Still, we would meet again and hopefully much sooner than later. I smiled at that thought.

Syrah cooked my favorite food for my final dinner in her home. A lobster tail! After sharing a meal and her giving me a gentle and relaxing massage we enjoyed yet another peaceful and chilly late Autumn evening in the serenity of her back yard. This would be our last night together for Lord knows how long. As the Sun made it's usual departure over the horizon I thought about my own departure in the morning and how upset this was making Syrah. That truly did hurt my inner being. For that and that only did I feel true remorse. When the time came for us to go to sleep I held my sister's hand in my own for one final night. The tears gently streamed down my face as we both tried to sleep. We shared a restless evening in her bed, OUR bed, talking about my plans, my future, and my dreams. We talked for hours in the way only two siblings could. I could tell my sister no longer seen me as a murderer or some sort of monster but as a woman willing to go to extraordinary measures to acheive her goals. We did eventually fall asleep underneath the warm comfort of our blanket. We cuddled up next to each other for warmth. I was going to miss this feeling! Being in an orphanage like the one I am in as I write this would not be a walk in the park by any means but it sure would beat a mental institution. Syrah now understood my dreams and resigned herself to my decision. I drifted off to sleep...tomorrow would bring both pain and opportunity for me but for just this blissful moment in time I could enjoy one more night of rest with my sister. That in itself is a pleasant dream!

**Chapter 8 - Leena begins her journey to Russia and makes it to the orphanage but can she pull everything off without suspicion? How will she adjust to such a sudden change in her life situation? Thank you to everybody as usual for your PM's, Email's, and reviews. I am very proud of my writing and take pleasure from all of your comments and conversations! Keep reading and writing everybody!**


	8. The Journey Begins

**In Chapter 7, Leena finally reveals to Syrah that it is time for her to leave for a Russian orphanage in the hopes of being "adopted" for yet a second time. Syrah is upset over the decision but Leena convinces her to let her leave...**

It letwas a gloomy and cloudy December morning as my eyes opened on another day. I glanced to my side and as usual my sister had risen before me. I looked over at the clock - ten in the morning. I was immedietely overcome by a sense of profound sadness with the sudden realization that this would be the final day in my sister's residence. I knew that once again it was time to go into the world once more and take the gamble I knew had to be taken. Still in my long white nightgown I arose from bed and followed the scent of sausage and eggs to the dining room. My hair was a mess and without my make-up I must have been a sight! Syrah didn't see me sit down at the table but I could see her cooking in the kitchen. She looked obviously quite sad and troubled. She knew I was going to follow through with my plans and that today would indeed be the last day we would see each other for some time. I cleared my throat.

"Good morning love" I said loudly. Syrah was startled and jumped slightly. "OH! Good morning Leena, you startled me!" she exclaimed. I apologized and quietly stood up, entering the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee. "I'm surprised your tall enough to reach the coffee machine" she teased. I gave her my pissed off stare that I was known for. "So did you sleep on it? Did you think over your decision?" she asked right off the bat. "Yes Syrah, I want you to take me to the train station in the capital today. I have all my paperwork in order. I just have to pack a few suitcases with my dresses and everything and we can leave as soon as possible." She fixed me a plate of sausage and scrambled eggs and handed it to me. I could tell her heart sank at what I just said just by looking at her. "It's going to be a shame just cooking for myself again from now on" she said sadly. "Syrah, we'll be in touch all the time, you know that. Trust me, I'm confident and faithful in my decision." I told her. She fixed herself a plate of food with a cup of coffee and followed me to the dining room rable.

"I wish you would stay until Christmas was over Leena. I would love to share the holidays with you" she answered. "Why are you in such a rush to leave so soon?" She was obviously trying to stall me for time. "Syrah, we'll have plenty of holidays to share yet. The need to find my place in the world is just beckoning to me Syrah. I have to go today. I need to carve out my place because I'm just getting older and older. I'm dying to get out there again." I sunk a little lower in my chair. "You rather spend Christmas and the New Year in a strange orphanage than with ME!" she replied sharply. I'll admit she got me there. "It's not that" I answered. "Think of this though, childless couples probably get lonely during the holidays, I think this would be the best chance of the year to find a family" I said excitedly. "Now your just splitting hairs" she answered. "I wish you would stay a little longer but I'm not mad at you if your truly intend on leaving today. I understand how badly your needs are but PLEASE...for the millionth time...remember what we spoke about...you controlling your anger...your promise NOT to hurt anyone!" I knew I could never possibly keep such a promise to "not hurt anyone". I knew that there were certainly times where I just couldn't control my anger. With all the shit I went through to get adopted the first time only to be rejected it isn't such a stretch of the imagination as to WHY I would do what I did - even if it was cold-blooded murder! I could only lie to Syrah and nod my head. I hated lying to Syrah but it was the only way to bring peace to her mind. We finished our breakfasts and I went off to get dressed as "Esther".

I shut the bedroom door behind me as I went out about the process of transforming myself from a 32 year old mental patient into a 9 year old orphan child. I picked out a dark blue plaid dress. I went about the routine of the make-up and the teeth and the contact lenses and the tights and the ribbons and all that other crap. It was very time consuming. I could only think about what was truly going through my sister's mind. I obviously knew she was worried to death about my decision. The moment I would board that train she would no longer have any protection or control over me. I think this terrified her more than anything. I sat in front of my sister's vanity as I carefully applied the finishing touches to my powdered face. I looked sorrowfully over at the bed one last time. I would no longer have anyone to hold or cuddle up to at night. Just one more reason for me to feel sad over my departure. A small part of me did want to stay, I'll be honest about that, but I knew today was the beginning of my journey.

I stood up and took a deep breath. My heart was racing. I proceeded to take the two suitcases my sister left for me in the closet and carefully fold and pack all of my dresses and accessories. I threw a couple of dolls I had in the wooden chest in the suitcases to complete the little girl facade. I took one final look at my falsified paperwork to make sure everything was in order. "Esther Ivanova" the passport read. A cute picture of me smiling taken before I was placed in the Saarne Institute stared back at me. If only I knew then the horrors I would suffer in that hospital! I shook off the thought and placed my paperwork in one of the suitcases along with my make-up kit and my Bible, still stuffed with all the photos of my so-called "victims". I was finally done with my preparations. I exited the bedroom and found my sister still sitting at the table, her chin cradled in her hands with her elbows on the table. Her sadness was my sadness and I felt for her. I went over and hugged her. "It's okay Syrah, trust me, I'll be alright. Let us leave now. I'm ready when you are." I whsipered into her ear. She stood up silently with a look of understanding in her eyes. She placed her hands gently on my cheeks as I looked up at her with a mixture of love and sadness. She proceeded back into the kitchen. There was a glass jar on top of her fridge. She pulled out a handful of money. She extended the money to me. "Before we head out, take this." I took the money into my little hand and counted. Over 500 Euros. "Syrah, you really don't have to" I told her. "Just in case dear" she replied. "It's money I keep around the house in an event such as this and I want you to have it". My sister was financially well-off to begin with. She inherited over three million Euros from our father's estate and really only worked as a massage therapist to keep herself busy. This was piss change to her but to me her generosity was truly priceless!

I hugged her and held onto for her what seemed like an eternity. I smiled happily being so glad that she had been such a wonderful person for putting up with me these past few weeks. I released myself from our warm sisterly embrace and picked up my suitcases. My life was in these suitcases! I went into the bedroom one last time and grabbed the one gray colored overcoat that I had not packed and put it on. Syrah put on a coat likewise and retrieved her car keys. We were both fighting to hold back the tears and keep our wits about ourselves. "Ready?" she asked. I nodded. We had checked in advance and a train to Moscow was leaving at noon. Without any further hesitation we entered her SUV. Syrah started the car and let it warm up for a few minutes before we took the drive to the train station. The radio was off and the silence was deafening. A deep sense of sadness was our traveling companion. Syrah sniffled trying to contain her tears. I held her right hand in my left as she drove with the other. It brought us both some comfort. I would miss the feel of her touch! It wasn't too long before the train station came into view. I gulped, realizing the time was now here. Syrah pulled into the parking lot, turned off the car, and ever quiet we exited the vehicle. I opened the back door and she helped me retrieve my suitcases. I took them in my hands and looked sadly at the cold asphalt. We trudged along into the small station. It was empty besides a few old people, a forlorn janitor, and the ticket taker.

"May I help you ma'am?" said the lady at the counter in a pleasant voice. Syrah rubbed my back to comfort me. "Yes, I need one ticket to Moscow" she said quietly. The woman typed something on her computer and a ticket was printed out. "80 Euros, ma'am". Syrah reached into her purse and paid for my ticket. "This child needs to travel alone to relatives in Moscow" Syrah lied. "That is okay, right?". The woman nodded. "Yes, it shouldn't be a problem" she responded warmly. I think secretly Syrah wanted the answer to be the other way around. Some part of my soul wish it were that way as well so that we could drive back to my sister's home and just continue living our life. That was a fantasy though and I was determined to follow through with my bold plans. The woman handed Syrah the ticket and she likewise placed it in my coat pocket. "Train leaves in eight minutes ma'am, please board this child quickly" the ticket woman said. Syrah nodded and we proceeded out to the loading platform. It was no more than maybe 25 degrees outside. The dreary overcast sky matched the sad emptiness my sister and I were feeling inside. If it were sunny perhaps this would all be a bit easier.

I put my hands over my eyes and began crying softly. Syrah got on her knees and hugged me tightly. "Don't cry Leena...you'll ruin your make-up." She hushed gently into my ear. She knew I was going to miss her. She began sobbing softly as well. Neither of us knew when we would see each other again. "Listen Leena...call me as soon as you get to the orphanage and they let you use a phone...doesn't matter what time it is...we'll talk everyday if you want...just call and let me know your okay...you know my cell phone number." she said between tears. She stood up and planted one more kiss on my head. "I'll miss you Syrah!" I sobbed. "We can go home right now Leena, we can refund that ticket if you want and just go home" she pleaded one final time. "Part of me hates doing this Syrah...fucking HATES it...but the big part of me tells me it's the right thing...the only way to get what I want and need...I'll be in touch...I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!" I exclaimed. We hugged one last time. "I love you too, little sister. She handed me a photograph from inside her purse. It was a picture of the two of us, laughing in embrace together that we had taken a few weeks earlier. I held it in my hands and sobbed at this gesture of love and kindness. "Thank...thank you...it means...so much" I cried. "You better get on the train now although I still wish you wouldn't" she said sadly. I broke away from her and walked to the train door in tears. My eyes stung as I wiped them away. I didn't want anybody to see me crying. Syrah sobbed, her hand over her mouth, I feel like she felt she had lost me again, this time to an orphanage over 500 miles away. I stared at her sadly and longingly. I put down my luggage and waved to her one last time, trying with my best damn effort to keep from breaking down. "Calm down Leena...you'll talk to her soon" I told myself in my head. She was heartbroken as I handed my ticket to a uniformed man standing in the entrance. I picked up my luggage and gave my poor sister again. I boarded the unlit train and took a seat. It was virtually deserted besides a businessman and two women sitting in the back.

I took a seat towards the front of the carriage where nobody would see me cry. I placed my suitcases in the empty seat beside me. I placed my hands on the window and opened it. I blew Syrah a kiss. "I LOVE YOU SISTER...I'LL BE ALRIGHT...I LOVE YOU SYRAH! I LOVE YOU! DON''T YOU WORRY NOW! YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME SOON!" I shouted. She shouted her love for me in return and continued sobbing as the train began pulling out of the station. I stared down at the photo and then back to her and just cried gently. The train began to pick up speed and pulled further away from the station. Syrah stood there alone on the platform, forlorn and lonely against the grey sky of a miserable day. I waved out the window at her and she waved likewise as she became smaller and smaller as we grew further apart. Soon she was a pinprick against the horizon, then she disappeared from sight altogether. I truly felt scared now. Would I truly be able to trick an orphanage? I had done it once before here in Estonia and it worked. Syrah and I could speak Russian as well as Estonian so it wasn't a cultural or language barrier I was worried about. I was too sad to think very much. My heart and soul were now empty but I realized this was the pain I had to endure if I were to ever have a true shot at finding that family I longed for. I wish I could just grow into a woman and I wouldn't have to go through all of this! The measures a poor soul like me had to take in order to find love...leaving my sister, pretending to be a child, it seemed like an injustice but I was willing to risk everything again. I knew nobody would be looking for me in Moscow. I had money in my pocket and a heart full of dreams. I felt bad about not staying with Syrah for Christmas and now I regretted not having done so but it was too late to turn back now.

The uniformed man who I had given the ticket to happened to walk by. "Excuse me mister" I said shyly. "Yes dear" he said gently. "How long will it take to get to Moscow?" I asked. "Six and a half hours" he said. I thanked him and he went about his mindless business. I watched the countryside come into view as we left the capital of Tallinn, Estonia. The rich farmland, the livestock, the quaint country homes all passed by in a whirl. I thought about the happy families that lived in the homes we were passing. How I hoped it would someday be in a home of my own. I listened to the soft sound of the wheels clicking along the rail tracks. It was soothing but every mile took me farther away from sweet Syrah. I knew I had to be brave and strong for myself. The fact that we would be in touch gave me peace of mind, at least to some degree. I was able to fall asleep in the quiet cabin. The hours passed. I awoke to the same man nudging me gently awake.

"Little girl...little girl" he said softly. I opened my eyes and seen it was now nighttime. "We have arrived in Moscow, it is time to dismebark" he told me. I could not believe I was now in Russia! The three passengers who were behind me passed me as I gathered my luggage together. I checked my pockets and the money was still secure. I gathered myself together and nervously exited the train car onto a very busy train station. Hundreds of people passed by me in a flurry of activity. The exit to the train station was blocked by security personnel. There was a sign indicating that all foreign visitors were to present their passports. I quickly opened my suitcase and retrieved my passport. I stood in that line amongst "adults" for several minutes before I nervously handed one of the tall and handsome Russian officials my passport. "Esther Ivanova, from Estonia?" he said.

"Where are your parents?" he inquired. "I'm traveling alone and some relatives are picking me up" I lied out loud. "Very well, enjoy your evening miss" he said. I bent my knees and smiled at him hurrying away from the hectic crowd. I looked at the large clock that was atop a metal pole. I was now a little past seven in the evening. I knew there was time to make it to the orphanage. Moscow was a huge city, it dwarfed Tallinn. I watched in awe at all the people and cars, it was bewildering. A group of taxis were parked outside of the train station. As I exited I approached one in the street. A man rolled down his window. "Um, mister?" I said ever so shyly. "I need to visit my sister at the St. Joseph's Orphanage. Can you take me there?". He seemed friendly. "Hop in the back little one" he said. I smiled and opened the door, tossing my luggage inside. As I climbed in I took one final look at the train station and all the idiots meandering about it. I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time.

Russian folk music filled the cab as we pulled away. The man seemed a little taken aback by the fact I was a "little girl". He glanced back at me every once in awhile as if he wanted to make conversation but he choose not to. I didn't care much for talking anyways, I would have plenty of explaing to do once I got to St. Joseph's. Half an hour later we arrived. "You take Euros, right? I asked nervously. Euros were not the official currency for Russia but he nodded and I paid the man. "Thanks alot" I told him, grabbing my luggage and closing the cab door. I found myself in front of a set of stairs. In front of what could have been mistaken for a school. It rained slightly in the cold night air as I very nervously walked up to the large oak door I found myself in front of. It felt like approaching my sister's house after my escape all over again. I had no idea what kind of reception I would receive. I took a deep breath of chilly air before knocking loudly on the door. My suitcases sat on either side of me. I pretended to cry to gain some sympathy. A young woman of about 30 opened the door. I glanced up at her doe-eyed. She smiled brightly. "Yes, child?" she said in a soft Russian accent. "My name is Leen...I mean Esther Ivanova...my mommy abandoned me in the street a few days ago and I have nowhere to go. She's from Estonia and she abandoned me here in Russia with my luggage." I started crying loudly. "Because mommy doesn't want me anymore". I began sobbing hysterically. I dropped my luggage at my sides and covered my eyes.

These tears were real...they were for having left Syrah. "You poor child!" the woman said in a soft and comforting voice. She hugged me close. "You come inside you poor dear and we'll help you." she said. "What is your mommie's name, maybe we can find her." she said reassuringly as I entered the warmth of the building. I had to make up a lie on the spot between my tears. I sniffled. "Leena Ivanova" I told her. "She's homeless alot, you probably won't find her, she went back to Estonia." I sobbed. Of course they would never find some non-existant person that I just made up but I nodded happily when she again said they would help out in "finding" her. "Follow me, hon" the woman responded. "My name is Olishka and I'm the director for St. Joseph's Orphanage" she told me. "It's nice to meet you" I said softly between sobs. "Likewise dear and how old are you Esther?" the woman asked gently, smiling at me with warm compassion as we walked side by side. "Nine" I said softly. If only she knew! "You came to the right place" she reassured me. "If we can't find your mother then under the law we are obligated to give you a place to stay even if your from Estonia. We can even adopt you to another family who could love you and care for you unless that is we can contact your relatives if we fail to locate your mommy." she added. "Do you have any relatives sweetheart?" she asked. "No, no aunts or uncles, or brothers or sisters, or grandparents, it's was just my mommy and me" I explained, speaking ever so softly like a scared child would.

The orphanage was decent. It was panelled in fine wood and was well lit. I noticed some children, both girls and boys of various ages playing in some rooms that we passed. They were dressed in normal street clothes. Apparentely this orphanage didn't require uniforms like the orphanage I am in now does. We entered an office. "I need to call the authorities to notify them that you were abandoned and have arrived" the woman explained. "Wait right here you poor angel and I'll see how I can help you" she said. She gently stroked my head and smiled ever so sweetly at me. "I know your scared and frightened honey but please stay calm dear, this isn't your fault" she told me. "Just wait here and relax." She entered through a door to another office as I sat there alone. Even if she calls the police here in Moscow they wouldn't know who the hell I was. "Leena Ivanova" did not exist, at least I HOPED there wasn't a woman with that same name back in Estonia! I knew in my heart that they would have no choice but to keep me here. I knew the first part of my plan was unfolding. I took off my overcoat and folded it in my lap. I appeared as sad as possible but I couldn't help but grin a little. "Lucky you Leena...looks like things might be looking up for you after all" I said gently to myself out loud. I would wait to see what would happen next...

**In Chapter 9 Leena settles into the orphanage and quickly meets the Sullivan family from America. She must use her charm and wit to get herself adopted...Thanks again everyone for reading! Peace and Blessings!**


	9. Meeting The Sullivans

**In Chapter 8, Leena departed Estonia and made it by train to Moscow and to the St. Joseph's Orphanage where she successfully tricked the orphanage's Director into believing she was abandoned by her "mother"...**

Sure enough over the next four or five weeks after my arrival at St. Joseph's the orphanage made a hell of an effort to locate my imaginary "mother". The authorities in Estonia were contacted and the staff continued to reassure me that they would "find her". Christmas and the New Year had passed. It was now 2009. I received a doll for Christmas from the orphanage, of course the only toys I wanted to play with were of a more "adult" nature! The orphanage was a boring and dreary place. As annoying as the children could be at times, like in the orphanage I am at now, they were a constant reminder of how I craved a child of my own. A child to cherish and nurture and love and to hold and a good man to go along with that child! That family of my own - only God knew if I would ever have it! At the orphanage, I kept to myself mostly and rarely spoke to the children or to the staff. We would awake at 7 in the morning, attend classes, eat, play, eat some more, play some more...it was the same thing day in and day out. In the mornings I had to sneak into the bathroom stalls with my little mirror to go about the never-ending task of applying my make-up and powder. When I took my baths I ALWAYS made sure the door was locked so nobody would know about the gauze that I had to wear around my chest. The gauze that hid my A-cups from sight. It was alot of effort to keep up the "Esther" persona. Every day it seemed a small number of potential "parents" would visit St. Joseph's. Some were from Russia but many were from America and Canada. Sometimes they would return and leave with a child that they had choosen earlier. This made me sad. To see a child leave hand in hand with a new parent made me feel desperate.

When would it be MY turn? When would I get MY shot? I began curling my hair and wearing the cutest outfits I owned, all in an effort to impress any adult who walked through the door. There were well over a hundred children in this orphanage though and so far I had no luck in even so much as speaking to a potential "family". Almost every day I managed to call Syrah back in Estonia to let her know what was going on. She had a new boyfriend apparentely and was doing fine. She was worried sick about my mental well-being with me sitting in an orphanage and even begged with me to leave and come back to her home - after all, I still had the money she gave me. Needless to say, that wasn't happening.

One day my luck changed. I remember the date. January the 25th. It was a sunny yet blisterly cold Russian winter's day. There was a large playroom in the front of the orphanage where the children would congregate and play their little games. Children ran around gleefully unaware that I was old enough to be their mother! I would never become pregnant though, daddy was too rough with me when we made love, I never even had a period in my 32 years. I was sterile and barren. I was hoping any potential family would have a child, preferably a girl for me to play the "mommy" to. I remember sitting in the warmth of the sun rays as they cast their brilliance through one of the large windows in the playroom. The room was filled with shouts and laughter as I sat quietly on a large sofa by myself. A ball rolled over to my feet. A blonde child of about six years ago looked at me and smiled. I picked up the red ball and tossed it back to her. I was reading my Bible, neither myself nor my sister are religious people but it was something to do, inside were not only of course the photos of my so-called "victims" but of the portrait of my sister and I. I pulled this photo out and stared at it. I longed to see Syrah again, every day felt like an eternity without her. Like the Saarne Institute, this orphanage was truly a prison of sorts. I could not just simply leave and rejoin Syrah. No, I had to bide my time and today was the day when luck would finally smile upon me! From the playroom and where I was sitting you could see the entrance to the orphanage from the side, the Reception Room as the staff called it.

I heard the doorbell ring over the constant and unceasing noise of the dozens of children who filled this room. Pretty young Olishka was always the one to answer the door. She smiled as she greeted a couple as they entered inside from the icy howl of the Moscow air. They stomped the freshly falled snow from off of their shoes as they shook hands with the ever-pleasant Olishka (which is Russian for Olga, may I add). They both looked to be in their early 30's. They were certainly younger than most of the people who came to pick out a child, it was as if many of these "parents" were picking out an animal from a pet store it seemed. It was kind of repulsive in a way but I had no choice but to go along with this game. The man was well-built. He was about 5 foot 9 and was muscular in stature. He had a well-rounded jaw and a nice rear end in my opinion! He had auburn hair and brown eyes and was dressed in a blue jacket and a t-shirt and blue jeans. Almost seemed like he was out to see a ball game rather than visit an orphanage! He was sexy and immedietely caught my attention. I closed my Bible and watched them. The woman was about 5 foot 7, very thin, dressed in a similar fashion as her husband, or with whom I assumed was her husband, but was wearing a white wool overcoat, not too much different than the ones I owned. She had dirty blonde hair with darm highlights, a wide, beautiful smile and deep green eyes. Her body was quite curvacious and I found her equally attractive.

I watched as they spoke to Olishka and tried to read their lips but to no avail. They looked like they were from America. They held hands as the conversation played out for several minutes. Olishka extended her hand and guided them into the playroom as the couple cheerfully gazed in joy at all of the children, both girls and boys, playing with such happiness and innocence. Surely they wanted one of these little ones for themselves. I never really bothered to speak to any of the parents who visited the orphanage mainly because they just didn't interest me. Either I found them to be physically unattractive or their personalities to be unfit as to what I was looking for in a "daddy" or a "mommy". Out of all those many people though, and there were many who visited, this young and attractive couple seemed quite different to me.

I stared at them, my pretty black hair curled up. I was wearing a brown dress with white frills along the sleeves with white tights and black shoes as usual. I looked like something out of the 1800's. I received many stares from visitors because of my fashion choice. I hated these dresses but they screamed of innocence and that is one of the reasons why I wore them as oppossed to "modern" clothing. This couple was no more than 12 feet or so away from me. In a moment of genius, I placed the Bible down on the sofa and stood up. I then pretended to trip and threw myself hair to the scuffed wooden floor. This immedietely attracted the attention of the woman. "Oh gosh, are you okay?" she asked in English, kneeling down beside me as I righted myself. She seemed taken aback by the fact that she ASSUMED I didn't speak English and wouldn't understand her words, after all she was in Moscow. "Yes ma'am, I am fine, thank you", I chirped in my sweetest possible voice. "OH! You speak English little girl?" she asked smiling at me. I nodded. "I speak it perfectly. My name is Esther Ivanova and I'm nine years old." I said smiling.

"Let me help you up Esther" the woman offered and took me by my little hand, gently lifting me off of the floor. "My name is Veronica Sullivan and this is my husband Paul" she said excited as if she were amazed to find an English speaking child in a Russian orphanage. I shook his hand a bowed my knees. "It is nice to meet you sir" I told him with a huge grin. "Hello Esther" he said gently. "Isn't this young lady so polite?" he told Veronica. "What a lovely dress" Veronica added, looking at it with an admiring smile. "People think I'm old fashioned for dressing like this but I only wear these kind of dresses. I feel pretty like this" I explained. She nodded and looked at her husband, they both laughed in joy. I don't need to say it again that I HATE these cotton disasters! This couple was obviously from America but I had to ask the question. "Where are you two from?" I asked innocently. Veronica's eyes were shining with joys. "We're from the State of Maine, in the northern United States" she said. I sat back down on the sofa as they stood in front of me. "Are you married?" I asked. "Yes" said Paul. "And we have a 16 year old daughter named Rebecca" he added. I smiled ever so sweetly knowing that I had only one chance to make a great first impression. It wasn't often that people like this would visit!

"How did such a darling like you end up here?" Veronice asked gently. She took a seat next to me while Paul remained standing. I began acting immedietely and looked sadly into the distance with a look of longing on my face. "Right before Christmastime, my mommy from Estonia took me here to Moscow and abandoned me" I said in a sad tone. I looked over to Veronica. Her eyes were large and beautiful. Her nose was thin and small, much like Syrah's nose. Her hair was styled in curls that ran down the sides of her face, perfectly framing it in feminine beauty. I looked over to Paul and his masculine, chiseled face. It was kind of oval shaped but very cute. His jaw was well rounded and equally masculine. I stared back at Veronica. "She had many problems and just didn't want me anymore. I have no relatives so she left me here." Veronica was clearly a sensitive soul as her eyes began to water up as I told my fabricated story. "Daddy died a long time ago and I'm just so lonely here, I cry myself to sleep alot" I told her. Paul shook his head in gentle understanding, they were both clearly moved by my "plight". "Mommy used to hit and curse at me alot and throw things at me." I whimpered. I practiced making myself cry at will for such a moment like this! I let a small tear flow gently down my cheek. My make-up hid the troubled and tortured young woman underneath. "I've been waiting ever since for a new mommy and daddy". Veronica took out a tissue from her pocket and wiped her eyes. Without a word she hugged me and I embaraced her in return, pretending to be a little girl seeking comfort. "I'm so sorry for your loss Esther. Seems like you've had...such a horrible life for a nine year old" she sobbed gently. "I have an older sister too" I told her. "But I haven't seen her in years" I lied in the way only a sociopath could. Paul came over and ran his hand over my back. "You know, Veronica and I have been looking for somebody too. Somebody to share our home and our lives with us. You are so sweet and so mature for a little girl" he complimented me. "Thank you" I said between my fake sniffles. Veronica handed me a tissue and I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"I really like the two of you" I went on. "So many parents come in here and they seem mean and bad but you two are so different" I added. This was the honest truth! They nodded in understanding. Paul and Veronica couldn't help but smile at each other. They seemed absolutely delighted and enthralled by me! My heart felt like it would jump for deep inside I knew I would be "adopted" by them. They looked into each other's eyes, each seeming to agree on something. Veronica placed her hand over my own. "Tell you what Esther" she said softly. "I'm going to talk with Olishka so that my husband and I can learn a little more about you. You seem like such a wonderful child and besides you also speak English. I think our daughter would adore you so very much!" she said very lovingly. My eyes grew wide and I grinned at her in obvious excitement. She laughed gently at me and the husband and wife looked at me with pure adoration in their hearts/ I can tell the two of them were absolutely infatuated and charmed with me and that her and her husband would leave with me that instant if they could. Of course the only thing is that adoption would take some time. There would be paperwork and background checks and all the other bullshit that had to be done just like the first time I was "adopted". "You must be yearning for a home so badly" Veronica went on. "We might just be able to provide that for you, I don't even want to see the other children" she told me. I kept smiling, playing my cards the best I could. "We're going to talk with Olishka right away" Paul told me reassuringly.

He came over and gave me a hug and Veronica did the same. "I'd really like it if you gave me a home, even in America, I'd be so excited if I had a new mommy and daddy and big sister" I chirped charmingly. I clasped my hands together in excitement and bounced up and down several times on the sofa in glee in the way I knew a real child would. "I almost want to start calling you mommy and daddy already and we've only be talking for a little while" I said still excited.

The two of them laughed softly. "You keep this up young lady and you'll be called our daughter sooner than you think" Paul joked. I was playing them for all they were worth. Olishka came over after observing our conversation. "We would like to talk to you about Esther" Veronica said joyfully. "Oh!" Olishka replied. "Absolutely! We can go to my office right now and speak" she said cheerfully. The trio walked out of the room. Paul and Veronica waved at me smiling and I waved back as they walked with Olishka to her office. Surely the adoption process would begin today! I picked up my Bible and clutched it to my chest. I stared up at the ceiling with the hughest smile I could muster for myself. "Oh Leena Klammer, you fucking did it! You won their hearts! It took like five fucking minutes!" I told myself in my head. "God, Paul is so hot" I whispered in Estonian. "Veronica is not a bad catch, either" I added. Well, I sat on that sofa probably for the better part of over an hour before Veronica and Paul came back into the room with young Olishka following in tow. "Your sweeter than we could ever have hoped for in a child. My husband and I have learned so much about you" Veronica told me. I bounced up and down once again. "She's so cute" Paul told Olishka. She nodded with a smile. "Esther, if you would like, Paul and I here would like to be your new mommy and daddy, would you like that sweetheart, a new mommy and daddy?" she told me. "YES!" I shouted with glee. I stood up and hugged her hard around the waist. "Awwww! Your such a doll!" Veronica chimed. "A NEW MOMMY!" I shouted. I looked over at Paul and threw a hug around his waist as well. "AND A NEW DADDY!" I shouted again. "Your going to have a new sister too, isn't that exciting!" he told me in a way an adult would speak to a child. I could only nod but I felt disappointed that this girl was 16 and not a small child that I could play the "mommy" role to. Still, this was once again another shot at love and romance. Thoughts already began racing through my mind as to how to win Paul over to me. Thoughts even raced through my head as to how to become romantic to Veronica. They were both VERY sexy to me although my main intention was to be with Paul - this stud muffin who had now walked into my life.

"It will take a couple of weeks" Veronica added. "But we've seen that you have a passport and all your paperwork. Once we go through the background checks and everything that mommies and daddies have to go through we can take you home with us" she said tearfully. I jumped up and down and clapped my hands in child-like excitement. "YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!" I shouted, my curls bouncing up and down. The two of them knelt down and hugged me. "It was such a joy meeting you Esther. We're staying in Moscow for the next few weeks and we'll be visiting you until we can bring you home" Veronica told me. "Thank you mommy and daddy" I bowed my knees again. "Thank you for wanting to give me a home!" I said softly, almost shyly. The two of them were moved to tears by my sense of innocence and embraced me as if I were already their own. "You did it Leena!" I told myself mentally. "Now you play the waiting game, it won't be long" my brain told me. "My wife and I have tickets to the Moscow Opera that we have to be at shortly but we'll be seeing you again tomorrow" Paul told me with such cheer in his voice. He had such a soft yet deep voice that it melted me like butter! I laughed in excitement and once again bowed my knees to them. Veronica laughed with overwhelming gladness when I did this. "Your soooo sweet and so ADORABLE!" she said loudly. "Rebecca will be so exicted to meet you" Paul added on. "I can't wait" I chimed. The two of them thanked Olishka and hugged me goodbye. "We'll see you tomorrow Esther" Veronica told me gladly. "Goodbye mommy and daddy, be safe!" I said innocently. The two smiled warmly at me and laughed in joy amongst themselves as Olishka led them out the door. I could NOT wait to tell Syrah the news!

Olishka came over to me smiling and hugged me tightly. "Oh congratulations honey! You found a new home my dear!" she said with equal excitement that my new "parents" expressed. I laughed out loud and hugged her back. If only those two knew they were talking to a 7-time killer, a former prostitute, a 32 year old woman who slashed a child's throat, a woman who committed arson and murder without remorse, a woman who was on a mission of love and who would stop at absolutely nothing to acheive her dream of a family, of an undying love, of a true sense of identity and belonging that had eluded her for her entire life. A woman named Leena Klammer...

**In Chapter 10, the Sullivans take Leena back to America where she settles into a new life with her new "family" in rural Maine. Once Leena arrives, she continues to play the role of sweet and innocent Esther but it won't be too long before her games begin...**


	10. Esther Comes Home

**In Chapter 9, Leena met the Sullivan family and quickly won them over with her wit and charm and they agree to adopt her, much to Leena's delight...**

Sure enough it took several weeks for the "adoption" process to run it's due course. During that time, Paul and Veronica paid very frequent visits to me. I honestly welcomed those visits. I truly felt lonely in the orphanage, much as I do now. Pretending to be a child all day on a daily basis was emotionally and psychologically draining. "Esther" wasn't me, she never WAS me, I'm a fucking ADULT for Christ's sake! I felt no guilt for deceiving this American couple, I knew it was what I had to do. I could never see any other options.

January turned into February and the Russian winter continued it's unrelenting assault. It was February the 7th, 2009, a Monday. The day was dreary and overcast. A light snow fell onto the lawn as I stared out the window in the playroom. I spent most of the day in here watching the children when I wasn't in class, yearning for one of my own. Sometimes I played with them, even here at the orphanage I am in now I play with the children, maybe I'm just "practicing" at being "mommy". I always would pretend mentally that I was their mother. The loneliness was eating away at me and I could not wait to leave. My calls to Syrah were the only real thing I had to look forward to. She was needless to say deeply concerned about me finding out that I had found the Sullivans to adopt me. She warned me time and time again to practice self-control. Yeah, easier said than done!

This dreary Monday would be my day though. It was one in the afternoon and I had just finished lunch and a reading class and had finished going about the task of reapplying some of my makeup. I still had plenty left, I made sure of that! Pretty young Olishka entered the playroom and beckoned me over with her finger. She put her hands on my cheeks and smiled at me. "Well dearest, it looks like it's official today, everything is wrapped up with your new mommy and daddy and they can take you home today!" she said excited. She was genuinly glad for me. FINALLY the time had come! I smiled a huge grin and hugged the young woman. "Is this for real?" I said sweetly. She held my head to her torso. "Yes!" she replied. "Now go upstairs and pack everything because your parents will be here any minute now" she told me. "Seriously, they're coming!" I exclaimed. She nodded with a smile. Feigning childhood excitement I ran upstairs screeching in joy. Yes, sure I WAS genuinly happy but I still had to put on the act!

I shared a very large room with at least 15 other girls. We all had our own beds. I kept all my dressed, prosthetics, etc. all packed up in my suitcase so there really was no need to pack anything. I put on my gray overcoat in anticipation of being able to leave. My heart was elated with joy and excitement! Finally a chance at a man, I pleaded that this one would be the one I was searching for. A man who would be like my real father was to me! If my sister wouldn't be my lover then this would be my ticket. I took one last look out the cold window and looked out at the cloud-covered sky. America would be a new place for me and I would be even farther away from my sister who I missed beyond comprehension.

"ESTHER!" I heard Olishka shout. "Mommy and daddy are here for you, are you ready or do you need more time?" she shouted. "I'm coming!" I shouted excitedly. "Okay Leena" I told myself. "Just play the part, you know what to do and how to do it. They don't know your 32, just play the cards right." I tried to keep myself in check. I took a deep breath and with my suitcases in tow I rushed through the oak-panelled hallway and down the elegant wood staircase where Veronica and that gorgeous piece of glorious man meat Paul were waiting for me, smiling briskly. They had been in Russia all these weeks and I had last seen them two days ago. An actual tear came down my face. I was so happy that this moment had come.

"Oh mommy and daddy!" I exclaimed as I hurried down the stairs in my long overcoat. I put down my suitcases and they got on their knees to embrace me. "How's our special little girl?" Paul asked. "I couldn't be more happy" I told him with all honesty. Veronica laughed in joy. "Today's the big day" she said excited. "Are you ready to start your new life, Esther Sullivan?" she asked. I giggled when she said this, "It's Leena Klammer" I thought to myself but I just kept on smiling and nodded rapidly.

Olishka stood beside us smiling. I honestly liked this woman. "I'll miss you!" I told her. She came over and hugged me. "You can always call me dear" she said in English. "You take care of yourself child. I'm so sorry you went through so much, I really knew that this is a beautiful new beginning for you" she told me. I smiled and bowed my knees. Paul and Veronica adored this! "Olishka, we want to thank you for everything" Veronica said. "Absolutely, working with you and your staff has been such a pleasure" Paul added. They shook hands with her. "Keep in touch and let us know how everything is going" she said. "I wish you three the best in life." she added. "Ready?" Veronica asked. "Yes mommy" I said gently. "Let's get to the airport then. Got your passport and everything?" Paul asked. I pulled them out of my coat pocket. Veronica took them and placed them into her purse. We said our goodbyes one last time to Olishka who waved at us as we exited the orphanage into the cold afternoon weather. I waved back at her and smiled. "Your playing it well Leena, just keep take it easy" I told myself. A taxi was waiting out front. The very mode of transportation that brought me here would now spirit me away.

"Rebecca is going to adore you!" Veronica went on. She showed me a picture of her a few times before. She was 16 with long blonde hair. A very pretty young woman. Still, I wished they again had a younger child that I could possibly mother but I was content with my current situation, hell I was MORE than content I was elated! Paul took my luggage and placed it in the backseat and we climbed in. A warm blast of air heated the cabin. I sat in the middle between my new "parents". Everything was now set and in order. Paul took out a Russian dictionary and pieced together the phrase to ask the man to go to the airport. The older man in the front seat nodded and we were on our way. I looked out the back window as a smiling Olishka closed the door. Veronica and Paul held my hands and we shared in each other's company. They were truly bursting with happiness and elation. They seemed so proud and happy to have me in their lives. A "little girl" they could call their own. If only they knew, if only they knew!

I gazed at the architecture and people-watched as we drove through the streets of Moscow. Russia was poorer than Estonia but the country wasn't really too much different at least from what I could tell. Our journey took us about half an hour but eventually we arrived at the airport. Paul paid the man however many Rubles the ride had cost and we made our way out of the back seat. "Sorry if you were squished up back there" Paul joked carrying my luggage. "I'll carry all this for you dear" he told me. "Thank you daddy!" I told him sweetly. We walked into the terminal. Paul already had the tickets. "I just LOVE your accent" Veronica told me with an admiring grin. I closed my eyes and grinned. Hell, I thought Americans have an accent. The airport was abuzz with activity as we made our way to security. Of course with lines it probably took us a good 45 minutes before we even reached them. My mind was almost numb. I kept wondering if this was all a huge dream. It so unbelievable that I was boarding a plane to a strange land to start fresh, far away from that horrid Saarne Institute. Veronica placed her and her husband's luggage on the conveyer and Paul placed mine behind hers. "My fucking bag better not get lost" I thought to myself. I had to much shit in there! Then again as a woman I just don't travel light I suppose! The bags were scanned and handed back to us. I was glad they were not manually searched or else such incriminating evidence as my Bible and make-up kit may be exposed to Paul and Veronica. Our passports and paperwork were checked and re-checked. This made me tense as of course mine was a fake but everything went through free and clear.

A little girl of about 7 was standing right in front of Paul. She noticed me and smiled. I smiled back and tried to pretend I didn't really notice her. Her mother told her to stay close in Russian. That was the only language that filled the terminal. People were running to and fro. I admit that I was nervous. "You okay sweetie pie?" Veronica asked. "I'm a little nervous" I told her truthfully. "Once we get to Maine you'll fit right in." she assured me. We headed down the loading ramp onto our flight. Several businessmen ran past us in a hurry. One of them bumped up into me but Paul and Veronica didn't notice. The man didn't even stop to apologize. "Stupid asshole" I thought to myself. Paul and Veronica put their arms around my shoulder and we boarded the plane. It was an American Airways flight. "We'll be in America by tonight" Paul told me. "Then you can meet your new sister". I smiled and clasped my hands together, looking up into his smiling eyes. "She must be the best!" I told him. "She's really looking forward to meeting you" he told me. "She's going to fall in love with you!" Veronica said sweetly. "Huh, if only Syrah would fall in love with me" I thought to myself humorously.

We headed to our seats. Most of the passengers seemed to be people on business dressed smartly in their suits and dresses. Some seemed to be tourists and most were American, after all that was where we were heading. Paul loaded our luggage into the overhead compartment. I had a window seat and Veronica sat next to me. "Fuck, I want PAUL next to me" I thought. "All passengers please buckle your seat belts. We will be departing in five minutes." a soft female voice announced over the intercom in both English and then in Russian. Veronica fastened me in which kind of offended me. I shook it off. I couldn't allow any negative feeling to get in my way. Veronica leaned over and gave me a kiss on the head. I returned the kiss to my new "mother" and stared out the window as the plane began to taxi down the runway. We slowly lifted off the ground. I looked out the window as the land below became smaller and smaller. Within a few minutes, everything was covered in clouds. My heart sank for Syrah. The thought crept into my head if I would ever even see her again. Before meeting the Sullivans I never had even heard of the State of Maine. A very small part of me wished I had stayed with her but I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing for me. I knew I could always call her once I arrived in America.

"Mommy and daddy? If you don't mind I'm going to go to sleep." I told them. "That's fine dear" Paul said. "We'll wake you up when we arrive" Veronica told me. "I know this is a big step for you and a huge adjustment" she went on. "We love you" she added. "That's right" Paul nodded. "I love you too mommy and daddy" I said warmly. With a smile I placed my head on Veronica's arm and took her hand in mine. I pretended she was Syrah as I closed my eyes. Veronica was still a somewhat strange woman to me. I had to adjust to them both as well as Rebecca. I heard the soft sounds of the aircraft's engines as Paul and Veronica talked very softly amongst themselves so as to let me sleep. Just like I did on the train to Russia I fell asleep on board the plane. This plane that was flying me to my destiny, flying me farther and farther away from the awful mental hospital, flying me ever so hopefully to the very fulfillment of all my dreams and wishes. I drifted off to dream land secure in the hope that life would get better and better for me. Sleep quickly overcame me...

"Wake up, honeybun, wake up" Veronica said gently, shaking me awake. "Syrah!" I said very softly aloud. I must have been dreaming of her. I missed my flesh and blood so much but need I say that again? Veronica didn't notice what I said as she was saying something to Paul. She turned back to me. "We're in Maine" she said. "We're on the ground now." I realized what was going on and yawned. "What time is it mommy?" I asked. "About 11 at night" she said. I looked out the window to the bright lights of the aircraft terminal. Here I was in America now. "Where in Maine are we?" I asked childishly. "Portland, dear" Paul said. "But we live in Cape Elizabeth, about 5 or 6 miles from Portland. It's a little seaside town, kind of rural. We have our farmhouse there" Veronica told me. "Do you farm?" I asked. Last thing I wanted was to be scooping up horse shit at five in the morning then I would murder them by default! "Um, no, we have alot of land but no crops or anything like that" she explained. That was much to my relief. The captain's voice sounded over the intercom and instructed us that we could now disembark from our flight. "Well, let's hit the trail." Paul said slapping his hands against his knees. He stood up and unloaded our luggage from the overhead. Veronica stood up and I followed suite. The voices of the passengers filled the cabin as everybody hurried to disembark and go about their own business. I'm sure many of these people wanted to get home to their own families.

Veronica took me by the hand as we exited the corridor leading to the terminal. Once again we had to go through the process of baggage checks and passport/paperwork examination but once again my cover wasn't blown in anyway that could be incriminating and within hour an hour or so we were able to make our way out of the terminal. It was nowhere near the size of the one in Moscow and certainly was nowhere near as busy. "Leena Klammer is in America" I thought to myself. Yes I may have been far, far removed from my dearest Syrah but better this than sitting in an orphanage (oh wait, I'm writing in one right now, FUCK!) Well, I know I'll find yet another family yet again but I'll stick to what I was saying.

Veronica and Paul never lost their smiles as we entered the cold Maine night. It was just as cold as Russia or Estonia during the Winter months. I walked between them out into the parking lot. We walked over to a red Hummer. "My goodness, this is your vehicle. WOW!" I exclaimed in false surprise. "Yes, but I wish Paul would have bought something that actually saved gas" Veronica joked. He laughed it off as he unlocked the doors and loaded up our luggage. I climbed into the backseat and buckled in. Paul and Veronica entered. "I just hope the battery isn't dead" he said. "It's been parked here for how many weeks" he went on to say. He put the key in the ignition and sure enough it started up. "BOO YAH!" he exclaimed laughing. Veronica looked back at me as I giggled. The roar of the heater filled the vehicle. Paul looked behind him as he backed out.

"I can't wait to meet Rebecca" I said excited. "I'm going to call her right now" Veronica told me. She pulled out her iPhone. "Rebecca, honey, yeah, we're home, yep, yes, Esther's right here with us." Veronica covered the phone and turned back to me. "She just can't wait to meet you!" she whispered. I smiled. I tightened the little ribbons in my hair and made sure I looked my best. "We'll be home in like 20 or 25 minutes okay? I love you too Rebecca. Bye bye!" Veronica hung up. "Is she excited?" Paul asked. "She's ecstatic" Veronica went on. "Your big sister is waiting for you!" Veronica told me. I grinned ear to ear. I was looking forward to meeting her, maybe she would be like my sister and didn't know. I was still playing them all for fools. My cute dresses and my little girl demeanor, all of it, all of it just a sham. I was so proud of myself at how well I was playing my cards. We drove out of the parking lot and through the relatively small city of Portland, Maine and were soon out in the rural and rustic scenery of coastal Maine which even at nighttime I found to be quite beautiful. "It's very pretty here in Maine" I said innocently. Veronica looked back and me and nodded. "Your going to love your new home" Paul added. "I can only bet" I said.

My heart was pounding. I bit my lower lip in nervous anticipation. After the fairly short drive we pulled up a long pavel driveway, maybe 40 meters in length. It was lined on either side by a wooden picket fence. There were large, open fields in every direction. I could even see the ocean out in the distance. We pulled up to a large stone house. It looked like it was built maybe 200 years ago and was very charming. I was glad I was being adopted by a family of means. We pulled up and Paul stopped the engine. "Your home honey!" Veronica said excited holding closed her fists to her chin in excitement. I climbed out of the back seat as Paul and Veronica carried all of our luggage to the front door. This house looked like it had at least 10 rooms or more. "Do you like your new home?" Paul asked sweetly. "It's perfect! It's so pretty!" I told him. I jumped up and down in child-like excitement. They laughed at my display and we made our way to the front door. Paul unlocked it and we entered into a large living room. Despite the house being an old stone home it was very modern. Very tastefully furnished and very charming. Family photos lines the walls, a large entertainment system stood on one side and a wrap-around couch sat in the center. On it sat their daughter who turned around startled by our rather quiet entrance. She was surprised as she hadn't seen them in weeks. She was dressed in pyjamas as if getting ready for bed

"MOM! DAD!" she shouted running over and warmly embracing the two of them, her long blonde hair rustling behind her. They were obviously a very tight knit family. "Oh, we missed you so much baby!" Paul told them. "Thanks for taking care of the house!" he added. Veronica hugged her tightly. "Ohhhhh, sweetheart. It's so nice to see you." she told her longingly. It reminded me a bit of my reunion between Syrah and I, although that if course was MUCH more emotionally charged. I braced myself. "Look who we brought home" Paul told her. The young girl's face beamed with absolute joy and excitement as I bowed my knees and presented myself to her. "Hello Rebecca, my name is Esther!". She became teary eyed! "You didn't tell me she was so CUTE!" she screeched bending over and hugging me to the point I felt she would crush my ribcage. "It's SO SO SO SO SO nice to meet you!" she told me. "I can't believe it, I have a SISTER NOW!" she exclaimed looking over in joy at her parents. "It's very, very nice to meet you" I told her, "I am nine years old and from Estonia" I told her in my sweetest of voices. "You and I, I can tell right now, are like going to be the best of friends" Rebecca told me. She righted herself back up. She hugged both of her parents once more. "Thank you guys SO much for bringing her home!" she said virtually crying now.

She came back over to me and laughed in joy. She picked me up and swung me around in her arms. I laughed in excitement. She seemed like a really nice young woman, even though at the time I was twice her age, imagine that! "Well you two are going to get along just fine" Veronica said. Rebecca put me down. I couldn't get over how attractive she was. I thought Syrah was still more beautiful than Rebecca or her mother but they were close seconds! I thought all three of them were a nice catch! "Big sister, I've heard SO much about you" I told her. "You sound SO CUTE! I LOVE your voice!" Rebecca beamed. "Mommy said the same thing!" I explained to her. "Welcome to your new home Esther!" Paul and Veronica put their arms around each other as Rebecca and I got acquainted. All three of them were in tears. I just continued playing the part of knew how to play so well...that of sweet, innocent little Esther. The little orphan abandoned by her mother. Rebecca took me by the hand and virtually dragged me over to the leather sofa to talk with me.

"Rebecca, your mother and I are going to go to bed. We've had a long flight and everything. I'll let you two talk. We'll see you girls in the morning." Paul said softly. "Have a nice night girls. I'll give you a grand tour of the property and everything tomorrow. Do you want to see your room now Esther or would you girls like to maybe sleep down here?" I was about to answer when Rebecca interrupted. "We'll sleep down here!" she said excitedly. She ran over to her parents again and hugged them goodnight and gave them a kiss. I admired how close this family was to each other and how I wanted the same all to myself. Right now I could see myself killing Veronica and completely taking her pride and perch as matriarch of the Sullivan household. Now was not the time for such thoughts, though. Now was the time to remain calm and try my very best to get acquainted to my new, yet happy environment. I looked around the room and absorbed the atmosphere of my new home. I turned to my left only to be met nose to nose by Rebecca which gave me a slight start only to be met by the tightest of embraces. "Good night Esther, welcome home" said Paul. "Goodnight mommy and daddy" I said softly hoping their daughter didn't crush my ribcage!

"I NEVER had a sibling!" she said bursting with enthusiasm. I could only return the hug to a girl I just wish was ten or twelve years younger. "I heard that you've been through so much, why on Earth would your mommy abandon you?" she asked. I shurgged. "She just had her own problems, I do have another sister though in Estonia and I get to talk to her but I'm so very pleased to have a big sister like you Rebecca, I just met you but I feel we'll get really close." I told her innocently. She was beyond ecstatic about my arrival and I guess I couldn't blame her but just like her parents she was a pawn to me, if I may be so bold as to use that term. It's not that I hated this young girl or anything but that was simply the way I felt. I hope she wouldn't stand in my way as to the very reason i was in that home in the first place - her father! HE was the one whose heart I hoped to win over and all I could do now was to keep pretending. I was an actress on the grand stage of life, charming and deceiving and even killing when I had to.

"I know we're going to be best friends." She took a little wrapped gift box that was sitting next to her and handed it to me with the broadest of smiles. "Here - I bought this JUST for you!" she quipped. I smiled and pretended to become giddy with excitement. "OOHH! FOR ME!" I shouted. I took off the wrapping paper to reveal a small wooden box. I gently opened it at it's hinges to reveal a small golden heart shaped locket on a gold chain. "It's real gold" Rebecca said. "I love it!" I told her. Once again I embraced her. "I wish I had a gift for you" I lied to her. "You ARE the gift" she told me smiling. "How was your trip from Russia?" she asked. "Okay, I'm kinda glad to be out of the orphanage now and to have you and mommy and daddy with me" I replied. "You can bet it was so lonely there." I added shyly. "Didn't you play with the other kids?" Rebecca asked. "Sometimes but I don't know, I just felt lonely because mommy left me there." Oh, what a beautiful liar I was! "Do you want to see a picture of my sister and me?" I asked. Rebecca nodded, "I'd love to". I walked over to where Paul and Veronica had left my suitcases and got on my knees. I opened one of them up and pulled out my Bible, being ever careful she didn't notice the pictures of the men I kept inside as she sat there watching me, a grin of unbrideled joy and contentment running from ear to ear.

I pulled out the photo of my sister and I, hugging and smiling at the camera. I longed for Syrah again and I'd knew I would have to give her a call tomorrow so she wouldn't be anxious. I walked over and handed her the photo. Syrah looks very young for her age, even though she is 38 she literally looks to be about 24 or 25 as she takes very good care of herself. Rebecca smiled and laughed slightly. "She kind of looks like you - what's her name?" she asked. "Syrah" I went on. "She's 25 and lives in Estonia" I said weaving yet another lie into this tapestry of dialogue. "She looks like a really wonderul person" Rebecca complimented. "Oh, she is but she's is way too poor to take care of me" I told her, yet again adding another lie to the pile. As I've already written, thanks to our father's inheritance, she was very well off. Did it matter though? Rebecca was no mind reader. She nodded understandably. "Like I said I still talk to her" I told her. I changed the subject as talking about Syrah at this time made me depressed. "Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked sheepishly. She smiled. "Yes, his name is Derick, we go to school together and plays football on our school team." she explained. As usual, a charming smile was my response to hers. How my smile and my charm ALWAYS won people over - young and old alike. It didn't bother me for a split second that I was deceiving this 16 year old teeny bopper. "Who knows?" I thought to myself. "Maybe I can strike up some sort of friendship with this Barbie doll" I told myself mentally. Was I trying to substitute her for my sister? NO! Nobody was a substitute for Syrah, no matter how stern and overprotective my sister seemed at times.

"Wait here" Rebecca said quietly. She went off to the back to where the kitchen was and within a few moments returned with some soda and cookies. "Finally, something to fucking eat" I thought. "Thank you kindly" I told her. "Oh...my...gosh, again I LOVE your voice" she complimented in excitement. "God, who the fuck cares what I sound like?" I thought but I guess I could appreciate the compliment. I giggled. "I think YOU have an accent" I told her. I did think Americans sounded weird, just the cultural divide I suppose. I'm going to have to get some more paper soon if I'm to keep writing! I noticed Rebecca's breasts. Nice and firm. "Wouldn't mind using those as a pillow" I thought. I almost laughed out loud but averted my gaze. "Um, if I can ask this" Rebecca went on. "Um, in your photo of you and your sister, um, do you dress like that all the time?" she asked cautiously. I was used to people staring and commenting on my ridiculously outdated outfits. "Well, yes, that's just the way we dress in my country" I told her. "Hahaha" she laughed. "Guess it's no skinny jeans for you then?". I smiled and shared another laugh with her while sipping my soda. "Nope and not a straight jacet, either" I thought to myself. I wondered what Dr. Varava was doing at that very instant. I'm sure he was having his share of sleepless nights knowing I was on the lose. I knew there was no fucking way in hell I would ever be found here and thinking about that at that moment brought a sense of profound peace to my heart and soul.

"What kind of stuff do you do around here?" I asked quizzically. "Just your typical high schooler stuff I suppose, I play piano, violin, read alot, study, make out with my boyfriend" she said comically. I laughed. "I play piano too" I told her. Father taught me how to play and I was a natural. "Oh, is that right sweetie? Well then I'll have to challenge you to a play-off tomorrow" she joked, hugging me tightly once again. "Now how the fuck can I play mommy to a 16 year old girl?" I thought to myself. I felt like half of my plan had already been pissed away. I wanted a younger little girl whom I could play that role to because after all I had always wanted a child of my own. Still, if I could just win over Paul, SOMEHOW and SOME WAY, which I still didn't know how I was going to do, then I would feel that all the trouble I had gone through would be well worth the effort. "Big sister" I said softly and sweetly. She gushed and blushed slighly when I said this. She was swooning almost. "I'm tired and want to go to sleep, can we talk lots and lots in the morning?" I asked quietly. "I'll bet your beat sis" she said. "My gosh I can't believe I have somebody I can call sister now" she said. Her comments were almost flattering to me. "I'm glad to have a new big sister" I replied. "It's so nice to be here in America now and to start over again" I added. Rebecca fetched a blanket from a cabinet and she turned off all of the lights. "Your not afraid of the dark, are you? Do you want me to keep a light on?" she asked. I shook me head, "Nope, I'm fine" I responded. "Sounds like you've been through a terrible lot for being just nine years old but you know what Esther, you will be happy here." she said in a reassuring and soothing tone. By this time I had already taken off my overcoat. "I'd love that" I said. "I'm going to change into my nightgown" I told her.

"The bathroom is upstairs and to the right, first door" she answered. I smiled and retrieved my long white nightgown from my suitcase. I also discreetly took my makeup kit and hid it underneath the gown. She grabbed the back of the couch and turned to watch me as I frolicked up the open staircase. I was sure Paul and Veronica were lying joyfully content with their new "daughter". Alas, it was only an escaped mental patient living under their roof now. A killer with a violent tempter and equally violent past. I just hopes that violence didn't have to extend and further. I entered the large bathroom and was stunned. Marble inlays, a jacuzzi! I smiled and took off the cotton disaster I was wearing, kicked off my shoes and pulled down my tights. Now I was standing in the mirror in only my underwear and my chest wrapped in guaze. I took off the guaze and carefully re-wrapped my torso, making sure my A-cups stayed as compressed as possible. I took the ribbons out of my hair and let my long hair fall past my shoulders. I took the next few minutes applying some powder and make-up to my face. The make-up ritual went on several times a day. I slid on the comfortable nightgown and bundled my clothing and shoes,etc. into a ball and with a sign of contentment I headed back downstairs where my new "sister" was already cuddled up on the sofa bed.

I placed those childish clothes into my suitcase. "It's a sofa bed Esther. Sleep next to me tonight!" she pleaded.

The only light was from the cold winter Full Moon pouring through the curtains and from the fireplace in front of the sofa, which Rebecca must have lit while I was upstairs. The house was very silent now and the cracking of the fireplace was a sooting sound in it's own right. Rebecca opened the blanket and I slid in next to her. I felt like I was spending a night with my sister (Syrah that is) all over again. We always cuddled even though we were adult siblings and I welcomed this. Rebecca smelled slightly sweet much like my sister. I discreetly inhaled her essence and we embraced each other. She really was hitting it off with me. She rubbed her nose against mine and cooed. She put her finger to my nose and touched it gently. "Boop, boop" she said under her breath. I gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Good night Rebecca, I love you already" I told her. Whether I would ever love this girl either platonically or romantically was yet to be seen. Yes, she was half my age but I still found her attractive. "That means alot to me Esther, I loved you the second you walked through that door, good night darling" she said planting a kiss on my forehead. With the gentle flames of the fireplace safely contained behind their metal grate I listened to the crackling of the flame and felt the warmth of the heat against my small frame as I laid in the arms of a girl I just met that very night.

She did feel like a stranger to me but obviously she didn't feel that way about me. I had to avoid burying my face into her breasts either accidentally or otherwise! I know, I'm a fucking pervert, so shoot me!

In any case, I had some trouble falling asleep that night. Being in this strange home in the arms of a strange yet pleasant and attractive girl made me a little uneasy but I knew I would be safe and loves and welcomed by these people. There was always that subconcious fear that my secret would somehow be revealed. I tried to shake these thoughts and fall asleep. I couldn't let myself become carried away by the anxiety of all of the "what if's" that might occur. I knew I had to take things one day at a time. This wasn't the first family I had been "adopted" by and I knew better than to let my fears get the better of me. My thoughts kept drifting back to Syrah and how she was holding up. She begged and begged me not to leave and even in that very moment I kind of felt hurt for having done that to her. What was done couldn't be undone and Rebecca was now playing the role of "big sister". If only Rebecca knew she was caressing and holding one of the most dangerous women in Europe whom many still consider a violent psychopath. An arsonist, a liar, and a murderer. How would she react then? Surely she would run screaming for the hills! She had no knowledge of "Leena Klammer" and barely knew anything about Estonia. Ignorance would remain bliss to this entire family. Slowly...ever so slowly...I became drowsy. I continued to listen to the flames dance and crackle in the fireplace which soothed me off to dreamland. Tomorrow would bring a whole new day and with it it's own anxieties and worries. That was nothing to wonder about right now for the time being. I drifted off into sleep as did Rebecca and smiled in contented accomplishment in the task and mission that was now underway. A mission of love, passionate love, romantic love, something I would hopefully find as Esther...Esther Sullivan...

**In Chapter 11, Esther becomes more acquainted with her new family but when Paul and Veronica enroll her in school, Esther soon finds that trouble arises and this doesn't sit well with her new parents...Thank you again to everybody for your warm feedback and please keep reading!**


	11. Naughty Esther

**In Chapter 10, Leena makes the several thousand mile trip from Russia with her new "parents" back to Maine. Here she becomes accquainted with her new "sister" Rebecca who is nothing short of delighted over Esther...**

Almost a week had past since I arrived at my new home, that is, the Sullivan household. The first day or two was nothing short of absolutely nerve-wracking as I pondered my own future. A future that always seemed to be dangling from the most slender of threads. It was a Saturday afternoon and sat alone in my room. Paul and Veronica set me up quite nicely when it came to my living arrangements. Large bed, a pet hamster named Gertrude, my own computer, for the time being I was satisfied with what I had. They also filled the room with plenty of dolls and the like. I found this offensive but I had to keep reminding myself that they truly do believe I'm only a child. I tried not to spend too much time alone in my room for fear of allienating the Sullivans and drawing suspicion. Besides, I had 6 whole fucking years spent alone in a room so needless to say I could not help but sometimes feel claustrophobic about being left alone in a room. Just way too many bad memories. This Saturday I sat at my desk where the computer was a just stared blankly out the window.

The silence of a very cold winter afternoon was deafening in it's own right. It was certainly somewhat depressing. My mind wandered very aimlessly when suddenly the realization came to mind. It had been over a week since I've last spoken to my sister. Surely she must be worried about my well-being. Hell, I didn't even e-mail her or anything! God forbid if my cover were to have been blown and she didn't know about it or some crazy shit like that. I didn't have a cell phone or anything. I got up quietly from my chair and softly opened up my door. I could hear Paul and Veronica talking downstairs with the soft droning of the TV mingled in with their conversation. Rebecca was outside and clearing some freshly fallen snow from off of her car which I had seen while staring out my window. I softly walked down the carpeted hallway and stopped in front of her door. Ever so softly I turned the knob and stepped inside. I was looking for her cell phone so I could call Syrah. If I used the house phone from downstairs they would certainly hear my conversation.

I glanced around for a moment and noticed the Blackberry device lying on her bed. Her room was an utter mess. I'm a very tidy person and kept my room spotless. "Fucking pig" I muttered to myself. "God forbid if she were to make the fucking bed" I said aloud. I took the phone back into my room and sat back next to the window making sure to keep an eye on Rebecca. If she came back inside I would have to end the call but there was a good deal of snow out there for her to deal with. I dialed my sister's number. It was night time in Estonia right now as she was 7 or 8 hours ahead of Eastern American Time, I guess thats what the fuck they call, I don't know. The phone rang a few times. For the first time in over a week I heard my sister's voice.

"Hello?", the sound of her voice lifted my depression away. "Syrah, it's me!" I told her softly. I didn't want to talk too loud. "Leena!" she said excitedly. "Damn it I've been worried to death! How are you? Where are you?" she asked sharply. "Calm down Syrah, I'm just glad you answered, I'm fine right now the Sullivans took me back to the United States. I'm living in a farmhouse in rural Maine." I explained. "Maine? Is that a city?" she asked. "NO!" I snapped. "It's a U.S. state near Canada." I went on. "Why didn't you call earlier, you TOLD me you would" she said a little upset. "I'm sorry Syrah I just needed time to get adjusted. I'm so far away from home now. So far away from you and that is what bothers me the most." I told my sister. "I'm just glad your okay Leena. I want you to stay in touch as much as possible." I nodded even though obviously she couldn't see me. "You know what Syrah, I have a computer in my new room so it comes to mind that I can e-mail you or whatever if I can't call." Syrah let out a deep breath. "So long as you stay in contact, I don't care if you write me a letter, just stay in touch because I hate to wonder. How are the Sullivans? Are they still the nice people you kept telling me about?" she asked more lighthearted. "They're fine. Syrah there is really no need to worry because I know how to handle myself, just trust me." I reassured her. "Remember Leena" Syrah said becoming serious. "Do NOT hurt these people. I feel bad enough that I'm letting you play this little game. Believe me, I'm losing sleep over this and I'm not kidding on that. DO NOT hurt anybody." she reprimanded.

I became lost for a moment having become lost in the meaning of her words. "Leena?" she inquired. I shook myself out of my daze. "Trust me Syrah, I'm conifident in what I can control and what I can't" I said with glee. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked in a concerned tone. "It means that what happened before to that family in Estonia will not repeat itself here in America" I said bluntly and to the point. "You better promise!" she said again still serious in her mannerisms. "I promise Syrah and I promise to stay in touch as well." I replied. "That is what I want to hear" she told me. I gazed out the window and noticed Rebecca was finsihed and heading back inside. "Um, listen Syrah, I've got to go right now or somebody may hear us." I told her. "Stay in touch Leena, I love you to bits" she said sweetly. "I love you to Syrah. Now I'll try and call everyday. I have to go. Bye" I hung up and hurried back to Rebecca's garbage dump of a room and carefully placed the phone back in it's spot.

I was walking back to my room and was at the doorway when I noticed Rebecca climb the stairs and pass the banister. She smiled at me and ran at me giggling. She pulled a snowball out from behind her back and tossed it in my direction and hit me in the shoulder. "Ahhhhhhh! That's cold!" I said in childish excitement. In all actuality I am not known for my sense of humor and this rather pissed me off. I wished I could have thrown the fucking computer monitor at that bitches head! She laughed her ass off but not in a malicious way. She was just trying to have fun. "Come outside" she begged. "It's way too cold.", I rebutted. "Besides, it's so comfortable in here" I added. Suddenly I heard footsteps landing softly on the blue carpeting that covered the hallway floor. It was Veronica and she carried a piece of yellow paper in her hand. "Esther, daddy and I know you have only been here for a few days but we had to register you for public school. You'll have to start on Monday. I know that everything has been a really big adjustment for you" she said. She handed me the paper as Rebecca looked on. Rebecca sat down on my bed. "Franklin D. Roosevelt Elementary" I said out loud. "I went there. It's a really good school" Rebecca assured me. "Third grade. How does that sound?" Veronice said with a huge smile, bending over to look me eye to eye. "Yeah, I'm 32 and entering third grade" I thought. "It sounds absolutely marvelous!" I lied. "Sure am looking forward to sitting with a bunch of little pissheads all day" I thought.

"There's um, one thing Esther" Veronica said putting her hands together at her mouth as if in quiet contemplation. "Your, uh" she laughed slightly trying to find the words. "Your choice of dress, it's just very, I don't know, I don't think you would want to dress that way to an American school" she blurted out. She obviously was embarassed. Rebecca pretended not to care. I knew I would be teased and gawked at for wearing these dresses. I was fucking more than used to it by this point. The main reason I wore these dresses was to conceal some of the more obvious female developments that my body had undergone. I had noticable breasts and noticable curves, none of which a girl of "Esther's" age would have. Jeans and a T-Shirt would not hide these developments, even if I did wear guaze. That is not to say I enjoy wearing these abominations one bit. I wish I could dress normal and just blend in but for the reasons I wrote above it would not work with my level of physical development. "Mommy, in my country of Estonia girls my age just dress like this." I explained. That was certainly a big lie!

She nodded in understanding. "Sweetness, the other children, they, uh, they might not understand that. They might make fun of you and hurt your feelings. Your a very pretty child. Why don't we go clothes shopping?" she asked gently, I was getting aggravated but kept a sweet smile plastered on my face. "No, really mommy, I'm really fine. Don't worry." I told her. "I just don't want people to take you the wrong way" she said. I nodded and smiled again. I stood up and hugged her tightly. "Thanks for caring mommy but I like dressing this way. Isn't there anything wrong with that?" I asked. "Okay, tell you what" she said. "You can dress that way to school if you want but whenever you feel uncomfortable we can go out and buy you some more, uh, um, American fashions." she said. She seemed pleased and happy with her choice of words. I had to fight back the urge to cross my arms and roll my eyes in youthful discontent. "What a cocky little bitch", I thought to myself. Okay, for the millionth time I do HATE wearing these dresses but again I felt they were best in hiding my physical developments. Veronica quickly went on to change the subject after an awkawrd moment of silence between us. "So, well, um, I already went out and bought you a bookbag and paper and everything you'll need. Sorry you have to enter school so soon but daddy and I will know you'll love it!" she told me warmly. I tilted my head to the side sweetly and smiled broadly. "I know mommy, all of you have been so nice to me since I came here. I'm really looking forward to Monday." I told that bitch right to her face.

Rebecca smiled in adoration of me as Veronica stroked the top of my head. Her fingers made their way through my long black strands. I had my hair curled as I didn't really feel like putting ribbons in it today. My hair was just another pain in the ass aspect of "Esther" I had to deal with. Every time I smiled these two became almost giddy with excitement. To them I seemed to be a living, breathing porcelain doll of sorts. Not all that much different from the dolls that were sitting on my dresser, staring eternally at the opposite wall. "Well then, that's what I wanted to clear up with you" Veronica said. "You don't need to be all that nervous. It's a really great school" Rebecca insisted. "Rebecca, go downstairs and help me with the cooking" she said. The two of them gave me a hug. Rebecca an especially tight one. "Come downstairs in a little bit honey and we'll have a late lunch ready" my new "mommy" boasted. "Okay" was my sweet and simple reply. The two smiling women left me to myself and closed the door behind me. I looked over to the now melting snow that Rebecca had tossed at me. I thought for a second about cleaning it up. "Just fuck it" I mummbled. I was just satisfied I was able to let Syrah know that everything was okay even if our conversation was alot briefer than I had anticipated. The sheer boredom of a winter in Maine was nothing short of depressing. I wish I had some booze or something. I just couldn't stop being reminded of the Saarne Institute when I was alone in this room. I remembered how the orderlies cursed and made sexual comments towards me. They teased me because I couldn't grow. They teased me mercilessly about anything and everything. Then they had the nerve to wonder why I went and attacked them so many times. I was treated like an animal so I acted like an animal. The four walls of my bedroom felt like a tomb. I laid down on the soft blanket covering my bed and kicked off my shoes.

I stared up at the blank ceiling. As far as I was concerned I was in the home of complete strangers, no matter how many times I may have met them back in Russia. Everything was so alien to me. The silence soon beckoned me into a state of drowsiness and after a few minutes into sleep. I was only asleep for maybe half an hour or so when my door swung open and I was startled awake by Paul. "Esther Sullivan...come downstairs right away because your mother and sister want to talk to you" he said softly but sternly. Obviously it seemed I had done something wrong. I sat up and wiped the saliva from my lips. "Yes, daddy" I responded. It felt good to call someone "daddy" again! I rolled off the bed and put my little black shoes back on. "Now what the fuck do they want now?" I thought. I walked out into the hallway and past Paul. I looked up at him briefly while admiring his dashing good looks. I REALLY wanted to get plowed by this guy hehe! I skipped downstairs. Skipping was just yet another childish mannerism I had learned to perfect. After all, I was once a real child myself! I walked into the living room with Paul close behind me. I was about to learn that even though this family was very loving that they were also quite strict about things. Rebecca and Veronica were seated on the sofa. Veronica beckoned me to sit between her and Rebecca while Paul went back into the kitchen to attend to what was cooking on the stove. The pleasant and hearty aroma of chili filled the air. "Esther dear, what were you doing in Rebecca's room without her permission?" she said softly but with insistantly. I gazed my eyes sadly downward as if I knew I had been caught doing something wrong. I was such a master of these mannerisms! Before I could answer Rebecca softly spoke to me. "This number dialed out on my cell phone isn't of anybody I know. It doesn't even look like it's from this country. It looks like a foreign telephone number." she explained. I remain doe eyed, trying to win over their sympathy.

Veronica gently lifted my chin. "Esther, I'll ask you again" she said a little more loudly and a little more sternly. I thought I might get yelled at. "Why were you in your sister's room without her permission and why did you use her phone?" she asked. I mustered the softest and most innocent voice I could come up with. "I...I'm sorry mommy and big sister...I just needed to make a phone call." I explained. "Using her phone?" she said a little accusingly. "Who's number is this?" she asked sternly again. "My sister in Estonia". I could not believe I just blurted that fact out! What if she calls and Syrah accidentely blurts out who I REALLY was! That thought now rattled through my brain. "What?" Rebecca said a little surprised. I suddenly noticed Paul standing to the side of the couch. "Hold on Veronica." he said gesturing with his hand. "Honey, that's all well and good that you want to talk to your sister but not from a cell phone that doesn't belong to you and especially not without the owner's permission" he said in a soft demeanor. I felt offended by the way he was talking to me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any harm" I added. Veronica put her hand on my shoulder. "It's okay but you don't enter your sister's room and use her things without asking her first, okay? It just doesn't sit well with any of us. Besides if you want to call your sister you can ask and use the house phone. A cell phone call to Estonia is very expensive" she explained. "Do you understand dear" Paul asked. I nodded. "Please ask in the future" Paul said. I nodded again.

The two of them walked away and they both seemed a little disappointed in my behavior. "It's okay" said Rebecca. "They are just strict about alot of things but they know and I know you didn't mean anything bad." she said trying to soothe me. "I know better now" I told her gently. Rebecca picked up the remote and turned on the TV to some talk show. I could care less if that call cost a thousand dollars. I HAD to speak to my sister. I was only worried now that they might try and contact her. Surely they would probably write the number down some where. Obviously they would want to talk to the sister of the "child" they had just adopted. I decided that later I would just e-mail my sister to let her know they may call her and start snooping around for answers. I always had a way out of these kind of situations it seemed!

"Lunch is ready" Veronica shouted. The more I heard this woman talk the more I seemed to hate her enough she may have been attractive and all. Enough so I wouldn't mind having fun in bed with her at all but she was the singular roadblock that stood between me and Paul. Veronica dowled out a bowl of chili for me. "Thanks mommy, I really like your cooking". She laughed. "I bet it beats the orphanage food, huh?" she joked. I returned the laugh. This woman was just no substitute in anyway for Syrah. I missed HER cooking! Still, it beat eating out of that fucking nasty plastic tube back at the so-called mental hospital. I sat at the dining room table and waited for the rest of the family to join me. Without saying a word I placed my hands on the table in prayer and bowed my head. I did this every time when we had meals. The family noticed and did likewise. I prayed silently and I really was praying, if indeed there was a God or Goddess to hear my prayer. "Dear divine being" I said in my head. "Make Paul's heart melt for me and only me. Frustrate Veronica's efforts to please him at every opportunity. Somehow, someway. ANY way, please make her disappear so I can be the woman of this household. All I want in the world is a family of my own for a fucking change!" with that short prayer sent to Heaven I said aloud, "Amen". "Amen" said the Sullivans in ignorant unison. I took great cares in having the upmost in table manners, always making sure to fold a napkin in my lap and to set the silverware just right. Paul and Veronica smiled happily at each other as they watched me. Rebecca mimicked me in kind. I was distracted by my eating by my ever-racing mind. I had to figure out a way in the coming weeks to win Paul over to me. How could I reveal to him that I'm an adult? Should I even do that? Can I really get Veronica out of the picture?

I felt like kicking myself in the ass for not ruminating over these questions more while I was still in Russia. I guess I was just too lost in my fantasies of the perfect family and the perfect life. I placed a spoon of the warm and spicy meat chili in my mouth. I looked at "daddy". "Oh Paul, it's your meat I'm after. Your tender and warm embrace. I will have you Paul Sullivan." I thought staring into his eyes. He obviously noticed my staring at him. "Something wrong hon?" he asked. I pulled myself back into reality once more, I truly was a daydreamer. I just shook my head. "Just thinking about things" I told him. "I'm sure there is still just tons and tons of things on your mind right now. Your sister, school, just everything but your going to fit in more and more over time." he told me reassuring that I would be fine. "Yes Paul" I thought to myself. "I will fit into this family, you will see Paul, in ways you cannot even imagine right now." I finished my chili rather quickly.

"May I be excused?" I asked very softly. "Go ahead dear" answered Veronica. "Are we still going to play outside later?" begged Rebecca.

"I'm gonna take a nap for awhile then we'll go outside" I said. I softly began singing the childish song, "The Glory of Love" as I hopped along up the stairs. What a fucking stupid song but whatever would help pass me off as "Esther" I would use to the best of my ability! I felt like I deserved a fucking gold medal for all this acting. I went back to my room and securely closed the door behind me. I opened the drawer to my dresser and moved one of my dresses out of the way to retrieve my make-up kit. As usual I had to touch myself up again. I glanced over at my worn Estonian-language Bible that was lying next to it. I gently picked it up and once again took a few moments to glance at all those men who turned me down. All those missed opportunities. All that time and acting and effort was for nothing. I sure hope I didn't have to add a picture of Paul to this Bible! I hoped those days were now well behind me. I thought alot about my sister's warning to practice discipline and self-control. A warning to not become the violent psychopath who can kill anyone and everyone. I truly did ponder while lying back down on the bed if I could truly keep my word to her. Being rejected a second time was a real possibility and I realized that but even I was not sure what would become of the Sullivans should I fail in winning Paul's heart. It was a real-life Pandora's box. I walked over to one of the bedroom windows and opened it. I was hit with a relaxing blast of cold winter air. I sat down at my computer and went online and quickly notified Syrah of the possibility of receiving a phone call from the Sullivans and how I hoped she would handle herself. Any promise she made to me I knew was as good as gold. I wish I could say likewise...I truly wish I could...

**In Chapter 12, "Esther" starts her first day at school and is forced to brace herself for how the children will treat her. She has her first violent run-in with a classmate during this first day which will raise much more startling alarm bells with the Sullivan family than simply making an unauthorized phone call!...Thanks as always for reading and reviewing my work!**


	12. Esther's First Day

**In Chapter 11, "Esther" is scolding for taking Rebecca's cell phone without her permission. It's a minor infraction but it's enough to stir up the family. "Esther" realizes she must take more caution but now she must deal with be enrolled in Third Grade...**

The rest of that cold winter's weekend passed with an overall sense of apprehension and nervousness on my part. I found it so fucking utterly ridiculous that a woman in her 30's is going to be attending a Third Grade class all the way in America. I marvel at the horseshit I put myself through in order to find the love I have been seeking for so many years. The day I am now writing about was that "first day" of school. It would not be the first day of school for the children I would have to share a classroom with. I and I alone carried this burded. More than ever I had to pull off the roll of sweet and innocent Esther. The damn dresses were what seemed to be causing all of my anxiety. Veronica had bought me jeans and shirts anyways just in case if I were to change my mind but no matter how many times I tried them on it was obvious that my development was showing. No nine year old girl had the curves that I had. The breasts that I had. It would be very difficult to wear gauze underneath a fucking t-shirt. Believe me I WANTED to wear the clothing she purchased but I was stuck with what I brought to America.

Oh no! I'm rambling! I believe I should be writing about my first day. The clothes are such a touchy subject with me! I woke up at a little before 6 in the morning. It had indeed been a restless night with my mind worrying about every possible thing under the sun. I sat alone in my bed. I could here my little pet hamster running on it's wheel. I can't really stand pets to be honest. The constant racing of that exercise wheel mimicked the constant racing of my restless mind. It was times of uncertainty and worry like this that definetely made me question my decision to go through all this trouble. I could be sleeping next to my sister right now and be safe. Why in the fucking hell do I have to be forced to worry about attending grade school? I deserved so much better than this and I still feel that way. I stared to my side and looked into the glassy eyes of those little dolls. A perpetual smile plastered on their delicate porcelain faces. Certainly they had not a care or worry or concern in the world. I was searching for the same. I knew for a fact I was going to have to put up with a bunch of bullshit today. Nothing ever comes easy for me. I sat in bed and couldn't help but feel a sense of self-pity overcome my being. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I listened to the drone of the hot air coming in through the heating vents by my bed. "You have no reason to be afraid of a bunch of pisshead 9 year olds" I told myself mentally. At the same time I found this kind of thinking to be in conflict with that motherly instinct that I do possess. Being around children whether in an orphanage or school, as annoying and troublesome as it may be, did make me yearn for a child all the more stronger. Still, I was determined not to be bullied or victimized today or for any day that matter. I knew in a few hours I would have to hold my head up high and go for it.

I laid under the warm blanket for the better part of an hour.

The minutes passed as I periodically glanced over at my digital alarm clock. 6:46 A.M. on my block. I noticed the bright light of the hallway enter thought the opening at the bottom of my bedroom door. I heard soft footsteps and then a few gentle knocks. The door opened, squeaking as it did so. That sound filled me with dread about the day that lay ahead of me. In stepped Veronica, already dressed in a red sweater and jeans. "Esther?" she said softly. "Esther, it's time to get up" she said quietly. "I'm awake mommy. I woke up like an hour ago" I told her grogily. "Oh, good, well get dressed honey and come down to breakfast" she said. "And hon, are you SURE you want to dress, um, the way you want to dress to school today?" she asked concerned probably for the thousandth time since Saturday. I nodded. "I'll be fine mommy" I responded. "Very well, hurry because we have to leave 7:45" she exclaimed. I nodded yet again. She smiled and exited my room making sure to close the door behind her. I could here what must have been Rebecca and Paul roaming around. My mind darted to the 500 Euros I still had that Syrah had given me. "Fuck it, I should just run off with that money and pass myself off as an adult and fly the fuck back to Estonia" I muttered softly. Some part of me actually wanted to do that but I shook my insecurites off. I knew before I even came to America that there would be hardships and hardship is always my constant companion it seems. I rolled out of bed and walked over to my mirror. I was smart and applied my make-up the night before so I wouldn't have to fuck around with it this morning. "Good. Don't have to touch it up" I said aloud while examining my face.

I usually spent well over an hour a day on makeup. I grabbed my make-up kit and the simple black bookbag Veronica had bought me and placed it inside. Pencils, paper, and all that other school shit was already tucked inside.

I sighed to myself and took a moment to collect myself. My sister would not be here to comfort me this morning. Only this family whose lives I only recently entered could provide me with any sense of relief. I truly felt a little bit like a child again, nervous about their first day of school. I thought jokingly about this fact. A slight laugh escaped my lips. It's been what, well over 20 damn years since Third Grade, closer more to 25 years. I shook my head at this thought. "I just have to keep my eye on the prize" I thought" as I looked through the closet for a dress to wear. That prize of course being Paul. Not a single dress I had, and there were close to 20, looked anything remotely near "modern". I've written about this before though. I pondered what I should wear. Did it fucking matter one bit? I would have to eventually wear them all to school anyways. I wish I found a fucking family who home-schooled or some shit like that! The blue plaid dress I had was the outfit that I settled on wearing. It wasn't frilly and it was a little longer than my other dresses and with hesitation I dressed myself as in the same manner I did everyday. My hair was in curls and I decided to leave the ribbons out. I heard American kids were rather concious about their clothing styles and I knew I wasn't going to win any points today or for any day that matter. The thought of taking tests and quizzes and homework seemed humiliating but then again being in a straight jacket only months before was equally humiliating. At least here I had my freedom and at least it was that aspect of my life that I could treasure and appreciate. I took my bookbag and flung it over my shoulder and headed for the door stopping only to watch the hamster Gertrude running on the exercise wheel. "Dumb fucker" I said softly. I shook the cage so that the hamster fell off it's wheel. Like an idiot it went right back on again. "At least you'll have a better day than the shitty day I'm about to have" I continued.

I walked out into the hallway and was greeted by the pleasant smell of pancakes and sausage. I thought my sister was a better cook than Veronica but maybe I'm being biased. That was not something going through my head at that time though. I slowly and quietly made my way downstairs. Paul had already left as he had some early morning business or whatever bullshit to attend to. If only that stud knew what I was going through to try to win his heart! Veronica was washing some pots and pans in the sink and Rebecca was eating at the dining room table. "Good morning Esther" she said cheerfully with a smile. "Morning" I chirped. I wanted to wipe that smile from off her face. This girl was hyperactive or something. "How the hell can somebody feel so happy all the time?" I thought. "Oh good morning Esther" said Veronica as she tried to wash the dishes in an obvious hurry. "Nervous about your big day today?" she asked. "Yeah, how 'bout it?" Rebecca remarked. "Still though I can't believe your dressing that way to school" the teenager said off-handedly. Veronica turned around and sternly pointed her finger and her daughter. "Hey now. None of that!" she said sternly. "I didn't mean it that way" Rebecca pleaded. I'm not even out the door yet and instead of being served breakfast I'm being served smartass remarks from a girl who had no idea she was talking to a former mental patient. "I'll be fine Rebecca" I responded to her as Veronica placed a plate of food in front of me. We had only 25 minutes or so before we had to leave so I took the liberty of eating quickly as did my "sister" I knew somewhere along the line I was going to have to straighten this girl out. Her teasing here and there may have seemed like harmless and innocent fun to her but Leena Klammer is not known for having an extreme sense of humor. Just ask Dr. Varava, or Anastasia, or the 7 people I had killed up to that point. I would let it roll off my back for now. I knew I could stay calm and collected after all my sister's comments I knew would not be the worst I would be dealing with this morning. I resigned myself to the day.

We finished eating and Veronica took our plates and put them in the sink. Rebecca kissed her mother goodbye and gave her a hug. "Love you honey. Drive safe." Veronica told her. "I will, mom". Rebecca came over and hugged me tightly and gave me a kiss. "Don't be nervous today. Just be yourself and have fun. I know you'll have a good first day at school" she said. "I hope so sister" I told her innocently. "I'm REALLY kinda scared" I said childlessly. She rocked me back and forth in her arms. "Just take it easy" she added. She let go of me and rushed out the door. "Have a nice day" she shouted. The heavy front door sounded loudly as she closed it behind her. I could hear the faint sound of her car engine starting and then backing out. I knew that no matter what happens today that I had to maintain my facade. Even I wasn't exactly certain over how much so-called "self control" I possessed. Veronica finished up with the dishes and grabbed the car keys. She clapped her hands together loudly. "Ready to go!" she asked excitedly. "Better now than never" I said standing up from the table. I put on my blue overcoat and grabbed my bookbag. She put her hand on my back and led me out the front door. It was a little milder today weather wise than it had been the past week. The wintertime here seemed just as bad as in Estonia or Russia. She opened up the back door and I climbed into the gas-guzzler. "Why me?" I thought. "Total fucking bullshit. That's all this is."

Veronica got in and started up the SUV. We were forced to wait a few minutes into the engine warmed up enough.

During that time Veronica tried to soothe any fears I had of school. I had done it once before with the first family back in Estonia and I knew what to expect for the most part so there wasn't much she could say or do to change the way how I felt. We soon pulled out and drove down the long driveway. This was a somewhat rural area so there wasn't a ton of traffic like I seen in Tallinn or Moscow. I clutched onto the bookbag in my lap and tried my best to shake the ever-present nervousness from the pit of my stomach. I would be stared at and whispered about within minutes. No matter how many times this had happened to me before there simply to me was no getting used to it. I was and continued to be a very self-concious person and very easily offended to say the least. The vehicle warmed up as we headed down various roads. We passed farms and barren farmland. A number of small homes dotted the landscape. I seen several children walking along the roads as we approached the school building. No more than 10 minutes into the ride we arrived. It did not seem to be a large school. After all this was a rural area. I took several very deep breaths. I seemed to be more concerned now over whether or not I could control my violent behavior. One mishap and everything I've planned and worked towards could be ruined in an instant because of a moment of rage. Veronica turned around as she parked in front of the school. Several yellow school buses were already parked out front as children disembarked. Many were in groups talking and playing amongst themselves. I wasn't given to much of a hard time about my appearance back at the Russian orphanage but this was going to be a different story but I had to do what I had to do.

Veronicas turned around and smiled assuringly to me. "Are you sure your okay Esther?" she asked. "I'm a little scared but I think I'll survive" I humoured her.

"Just behave yourself and do your best in class." she said. "And remember you can always wear the clothes I bought you if you want that" she added. I almost rolled my eyes again at the obvious reasons why I could NOT do that but I smiled and nodded. A smile and a nod. Always the child's way of saying they understand something. I put my hand on the handle and opened up the door. "Thank you for the ride mommy. I love you." I said before stepping out with my bookbag into the chilly air. "I love you to honey. You'll do great." she assured me. I closed the door and gave her a wave as she slowly pulled away and drove off. Now I was alone to face the day. "Take it easy Leena" I said out loud. "Just take this day a moment at a time. Just like Syrah told me to do. Just a moment at a time and don't lose your temper." The structure was a two-story grey brick building. A set of about 30 stone steps or so led to the entrance. For the time being nobody seemed to notice me. I truly did wish I was invisible at times. I almost had to rouse myself. I had murdered 7 people and tried to kill 3 others. What the FUCK do I have to be scared of? I mean I broke out of a fucking mental institution and was housed among the worst of the worse. Children's taunts and scowls should be the least of my fears no matter how self-concious I may be. Thinking of this made me a little more bolder as I made my way up the long set of stairs. Children rushed past me. Some laughing as they chased each other. A loud buzzing sound rushed through the winter air which indicated that it was time for the children to enter class. I opened up my bookbag and took out a white piece of paper. It indicated that I was to go to Room 103 - Mrs. Weitzel's class. Veronica told me all children spent the entire day in one classroom which was a relief. I wasn't here to make friends or to try and "fit in" so to speak. Just be pretty, pretend like I give a damn what the teacher is saying and that was it.

I stayed calm as I entered the school. All the screaming and shouting sort of reminded me the Saarne Institute and the constant noise the other "patients" would make. The hallway was crowded. Several of the little assholes bumped into me rudely. Had that happened in a dark alley way I would have cut their fucking throats! I walked for a few minutes along the first floor. Nobody had bothered me yet. The yellow painted hallways were faded with age. The linoleom floors looked like they could use a good cleaning. Within a few moments I found Room 103. The door was already opened and an older woman of about 55 or so was seated as her desk. Obviously this was Mrs. Weitzel. Several of the children, both boys and girls, were fooling around in the classroom. Several more entered as I approached the desk. "Excuse me miss" I said sheepishly. "Yes dear" she turned and said pleasantly. "Hi! My name is Esther Sullivan and I'm supposed to start my first day of school in your class today" I told her shyly. "Oh! Yes, yes. Well, let me be the first to welcome you to Franklin D. Roosevelt Elementary School. I was talking to your mother on Friday in fact." I smiled as she handed me a stack of 5 or 6 books. "I need to give these to you right away dear. These are just the textbooks we use all day. We start with English, than Math, than Social Studies, then lunch and recess, and we then alternate with other subjects that we study afterwards." she explained. She seemed like a nice woman. I was hoping I didn't get a bitch for a "teacher". Like Veronica she tried to reassure me as I stood there. "I've heard all about how you came from Russia and how difficult everything has been for you but try to relax dear because I know today must be very hard on you. I've heard your very bright and intelligent and I know you'll prosper here." I smiled and thanked her. "Your seat is in the back row in the third seat to the left just so you know and you can hang your coat in the back closet dear." she pointed. Once again I thanked her for her kind words and proceeded to the back row. I placed my bookbag on the desk and nervously took off my coat. My dress had been hidden underneath and now everybody could obviously see how foolish I looked.

As soon as I hung up my coat and turned to take my seat several of the girls already were staring at me. My hair, my dress, everything I was wearing was fodder for them. I pretended not to notice them and took my seat. One of the girls giggled out loud and covered her mouth. The classroom was beginning to fill up. One of the girls turned around to address me. She had light brown hair and was wearing a white sweater with some jeans. She was 3 rows in front of me. "So, what's your name?" she asked. "Esther Sullivan" I told her with a smile. I tried to speak with an American accent. "Um, you know the 1800's are over already" she joked before turning back around to laugh with one of her friends. "That fucking little slut!" I thought as I placed my books down on the floor beside me. No more than a couple minutes in this damn classroom and I was already putting up with this kind of bullshit. I could say some smartass remark back to her but I thought it wise for the moment to keep my mouth shut and to try and keep as low a profile as possible. I knew now there was not an ice cube's chance in hell I would ever be labeled as "popular" in this school. As the children entered and took their seats most of them glanced at me. Both out of curiosity as to who the "new student" was and to, yes of course, my fucking dress. After about 5 minutes another buzzer sounded and all of the children were in their proper place. The teacher addressed the class and unfortunetly she put me on the spot. "Attention class! In the back row is our new student Esther Sullivan I was telling you about. She is new to America and this school and I want all of you to treat her with the same amount of respect you have for the rest of your classmates." she said loudly. I did my best to crack a smile but at the same time I did not want to be noticed. "Everyone take out your English books and turn to Page 77 so we can resume Friday's grammar lesson" she said while writing something on the chalkboard. As I reached down yo retrieve the English book I overheard another one of the girls taunts. "Esther? That's an old person's name" taunted a girl followed by the giggling of several others.

"Just let it the fuck go Leena" I thought. Over the next hour as I tried to pay attention I couldn't help but to here more whispering and quiet giggling amongst some of the girls. I did my best to ignore them. For the next couple of hours we studied English and then Math, etc. until it was time for lunch. The school did not have a cafeteria as it was fairly small so the teacher left to retrieve the lunches which were packed in brown paper bags. Another one of the little preteen bitches turned around to make a comment. "Your from Russia? I guess your poor then" she remarked. Another girl covered her mouth and then whispered something into the ear of another girl. My short fuse was quickly burning out. "If I were you bitch I would shut your fucking mouth before you lose some teeth!" I told her sharply not bothering to fake an American accent. She seemed stunned by this and turned back around. I was victimized enough at Saarne and I was going to be damned before I let it happen here in America. Yes, I didn't want to cause problems or get into trouble but I had to put these girls in their place. Not with my fists or with a knife but simply with my words. It would be truly a cold day in Hell if a 32 year old woman was to be talked down to by a fucking 9 year old preteen brat! I commented further. "Yeah that's right whore! Turn the fuck around!" I said menacingly. I couldn't help either that several of the boys seemed to be making their own remarks about me. Whether male or female, Leena Klammer was taking shit from nobody.

I ignored them and the lunches were brought in and distributed. The teached passed one out to each student. She came back to me and smile understandingly as she handed me my bag. The girls for the time being were ignoring me as they began to eat their food. I opened the bag to retrieve some crackers, a small carton of milk and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was not looking forward to recess. One of the boys suddenly remarked but not towards me. "That Esther chicks an orphan. At least I'm glad I have my real parents" he told his friend. He talked a little louder than you would expect as I'm absolutely sure he wanted me to here his comment. This little fucker with the shaved head was also a marked target now. Each paper bag had our names written on it with black magic marker. I looked at the bitch with the brown hair. Her name was Samantha. The boy was named Kyle. "Samantha and Kyle" I thought. "Almost rhymes with brutally murdered". Don't think for a second I wasn't capable of killing any of these children should I be pushed to far. If I was alone with one and knew I could get away with it then another victim would be added to my list.

I methodically ate my lunch and about 15 minutes later the buzzer rang yet again. "Recess, children" barked the teacher. "Oh fucking wonderful" I muttered in Estonian.

The girls now began to look back at me and give me menacing and mean grins. I knew I was in for their bullshit. I wasn't going to sit in here and hide from them. I followed the rest of the class out into the hallway and out the school's back door. The large concrete playground was no different than the one at the orphanage. A swing, a slide, some monkey bars, whatever. As I exited the door, Kyle passed me and purposely bumped into me. "Watch it, asshole!" I said. I didn't care. I was going to tell it like it is! "What are you going to do? Tell your mommy and daddy? Oh wait, they're dead" he laughed before running out onto the asphalt. This hurt me. Yes, I murdered my real father but still it was the principle that this boy was willing to insult me so badly that was enraging me. I never got to know my real mother. I hardly have any memories of her as she died of HIV while I was a toddler. My father gave it to her but luckily I was born without the condition. Not to ramble on about that though. Mrs. Weitzel followed the rest of children and stood at the top of the stairs leading down to the playground. She seemed concerned for me. As can be expected many of the boys and girls continued to stare at me from off in the distance. Of course there was no doubt they were spreading rumors about me and concocting ways to make my school life a living hell. I looked over at my new Third Grade teacher and she beckoned me over with her hand. I slowly walked over to her with my head downcast. I wanted her to know just what kind of a shitty day I was having. I trudged up the stairs to her and raised my head.

"Having a rough day?" she asked. I nodded sadly. "Listen, I know whats happening. Believe me I've been teaching for over 30 years now and have seen it so many times before." she told me. She didn't need to say much more as I felt she knew I understood damn well what she was talking about. "Once recess is over I'll address the class and order them not to bully you or pick on you in anyway" she assured me. I doubt that would help. It was sad that a woman my age was in such a predicament. "Why don't you just stay up here with me until recess is over?" she asked. I nodded sadly again and decided against putting up with the bullshit for the time being. Soon enough recess was over and I was the first one back in the classroom. Mrs. Weitzel followed close behind me with her hands on my shoulders. She stood behind her desk as I took my seat and waited for a few moments until all of the little fuckfaces were back in their seats. She scanned the room as to make sure everybody was in place. For a moment there was silence. She cleared her throat and began to speak.

"It has come to my attention that more than a few of you having been giving our new student a hard time. I will say this now and I will say this only one time to knock it off. Any rude comments or giving any kind of trouble to Esther in any way will not be tolerated. If I catch anyone of you doing so you will be given one weeks worth of after school attention and a weeks loss of recess privilages. Do I make myself clear?" she scolded. The children's voices raised in unison. "Yes Mrs. Weitzel". The teacher sighed. "You all should know better and I trust my words will be heeded." I did admire the fact that she was more than willing to stand up to me. I was once a child myself though and I knew her warnings would only mean the children would be more careful and sneaky when it came to tormenting me. The rest of the day dragged on. The girls and the boys not so suprisingly remained silent. They now knew better to leave me alone while class was going on. Soon 3 P.M. rolled around and the day's lesson were wrapped up. The buzzer rang and the children ran to the back to get their coats. A controlled chaos of sorts. Once again some of the girls gave me wicked glances. I had it in for me but little did they know I had it in for them even worse. They would flee in total fucking terror if they ever knew who I really was. Every taunt, every stare, every hurtful remark was pushing Esther Sullivan into further and further into the background and allowing Leena Klammer to rise ever closer to the surface. I knew I could only endure so much shit before I snapped. Within a minute or two the class had exited the room leaving only the teacher and I alone. My coat hung pathetically from it's coat rack as I grabbed it and put it on. I slung the heavy bookbag which was now stuffed with books over my shoulder and quietly began to head out. Mrs. Weitzel stopped my temporarily. "Wait Esther! Look, I know your first day has gotten off to a bad start but if anybody tries to say or do anything hurtful to you let me know, understand hon?" she said with such a caring voice. Her compassion reminded me of my sister's. I nodded. "I will Mrs. Weitzel. Thank you for everything today" I told her. I really did mean that. I was seriously considering bringing a weapon to school but I quickly scrapped that idea. Still, I knew every school day was going to be miserable from here on out and Leena Klammer could only take so much. I waited for the children in the hallway to disperse before exiting the school. Veronica was parked outside and standing outside of the SUV.

For a moment I decided whether or not I should tell her about what a rotten day I had had. I quickly decided against this as I realized there was little she could do, in fact there was nothing she could do that would change the behaviors of my "class mates". I smiled and skipped down the stairs and did my best to pretend that everything was alright. I ran up to Veronica and gave her a hug. "Hi honey!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "Hello mommy!" I replied. Her voice suddenly took on a slight hint of concern. "How was your first day?" I quickly found the words I needed. "It was a little tough at first because the other kids kept staring at me but nobody made fun of me or anything. My day was fine." I was just a pretty little liar. At first I thought she wouldn't believe me. That I was hiding the truth. To my relief she nodded and smiled ear to ear and opened up the back door of the vehicle. I climbed in and was glad that the day was over. Still, it was only Monday and I had four more days to put up with. At least I knew what to expect the next day. At least I HOPED I knew what to expect. I was pissed when I noticed that Samantha noticed me. The bitch went on and shot the middle finger at me as I turned around in my seat and stared out the back window. I refrained from doing so as Veronica didn't notice a thing as we pulled away. I had made some enemies today but this was just the very beginning. I sat turned back around and sunk into the leather seat. "So what did you all study today?" Veronica asked inquisitively. "Well, the usual I suppose. Math, English, Social Studies. I like it all!" I told her. I couldn't believe the contrast between the kids at the orphanage and the hellraisers here in America. I dressed this way to my classes and for everything else back in Russia and I really wasn't given much of a hard time. I'm guessing the difference was cultural though. These little fuckers wanted to eat me alive. As we drove closer to home I just thought about how little those pint-sized assholes knew that they were playing with fire! Soon enough, as I will write about next time, some of them will get much more than just burned by me, MUCH more!

**In Chapter 13, Leena is forced to deal with even more torment from her fellow classmates and finally lets her violent side come to the surface in dealing with the problem...Thank you kindly for reading**


	13. Leena's Revenge!

**In Chapter 12, Leena had to endure her first trying day in the Third Grade. She made some enemies and had to contend with controlling her rage in the face of taunts and jeers but it will not be long before she finally loses control...**

Three days past and finally it was Friday morning. I was awake and going about the process of putting on my neck and wrists ribbons. Today I had choosen to wear the only brown dress I owned. Did it really matter which one of these disasters that I wore? For the past three days I had to endure the same of what I endured on Monday. I had not gotten a chance to speak with Syrah yet about how things were going so I e-mailed her the evening before about the shit I was now enduring. I didn't mean to give her something to worry about but I feel she at least had the right to know what was going on with me. I would not be one to keep her in the dark wondering about my well-being. I was now waiting for a reply but that had to wait as the Sullivans and myself hastily prepared to begin their days. I sat on the small chair in front of my mirror filled with a deep sense of absolute contempt towards Mrs. Weitzel's little hellraisers. I knew I could not endure months and months of this hardship. I had endured enough stress and torment in the confines of the Saarne Institute and I had now come under the absolute idea that something had to be done on my part. For the past few days I thought about bringing some kind of a weapon to school. Perhaps something I could scare Samantha and her bitch dogs with and then maybe dispose of quickly. As bad as I wanted to I just couldn't deck one of these girls in the face in view of everybody. How would that obviously sit with Paul and Veronica? I could wind up back at the orphanage again for all I knew! As I patted my face with the powder ball a few times an idea came to my head. I decided it would be best, for better or for worse, to bring a weapon to school and see where things would lead. I knew I wouldn't get caught if I used my brain. I smiled at myself in the mirror at the thought of violently intimidating my tormenters.

I reached over and gingerly picked up the little blue hair ribbons and tied my hair on either side. I would wear my hair straight. I didn't care about fucking around with curling it. The smell of waffles and eggs emanated from the downstairs. Once again Paul had taken off early. Rebecca had come down with a cold and was staying home. "Esther? Esther come down for breakfast sweetheart?" shouted "mommy". "Why the hell does she have to rush me everyday?" I asked myself. I no longer was anxious about the taunts and teasing I would have to endure. Already they had become a part of my daily routine but I was determined to get my vengeance in a way that would deflect any blame from me. I knew somewhere along the line I would formulate something. I grabbed my heavy as shit bookbag and wandered downstairs. I was drowsy and was not sleeping very well on account of what was going on in my life. Veronica and the rest of the family remained oblivious to how things really were going for me. All I could do for Veronica was crack the best smile I could and pretend that everything was coming up roses for me. Not to mention the fact that they were all of course completely ignorant as to my true identity and my true intentions. There was so much to hide at times it did feel overwhelming but I knew how to fight through those feelings of worry and uncertainty that had become constant companions since my flight from the mental institution. "Morning love" chirped Veronica. She had such a positive outlook on the day. I bowed my knees sweetly. "And good morning to you mommy." was my reply.

Veronica placed the plate of food in front of me just as she did everyday. I could hear the crackling of the living room fireplace as it's warmth embraced my small body. "Thank God it's Friday" Veronica joked. She had just very recently quit her job and decided to be a "stay at home mom" as the popular terms implies. "Oh, most definetely mommy" I responded bouncing a few times up and down in my chair. I felt like a fucking idiot acting this way! I certainly was glad it was the end of the school week. A whole weekend to just wind down and cool down from what has been going on. Yet I knew my respite from the torments of my "classmates" would be all too brief. "I'll be right back down honey. I'm going to check on your sister" she said holding a finger up to me. I watched her ascend the stairs and when she was out of sight I grabbed my bookbag and walked briskly into the kitchen. As quietly as I possibly could be I opened up the drawer where the knives were kept and pulled out a large steak knife. At least one and a half inches thick and a good eight inches long. I smiled wickedly and opened my bookbag. I quickly inserted the knife between my books, closed the drawer, and hurried back to my seat. "Let me see now if this day gets interesting" I told myself under my breath. Veronica was a decent cook I thought to myself as I woofed down the food she had prepared. Good tastes so much better when it doesn't come as a paste from a tube! About five minutes passed and I polished off what was left on my plate as Veronica trudged on back down the stairs.

"Guess I'm going to have to go to the doctor and get some antibiotics for Rebecca." she said. I pretended to be worried. "Is she going to be alright?" I asked sheepishly. Veronica came over and gave me a hug and a kiss on the top of my head. "Oh, she'll be up in no time. She gets sick every winter it seems" she assured me. Like I really gave two shits. There were enough things for me to worry about.

"All done?" she asked. I nodded and she took my plate away. "You have quite the appetite" she teased. "Your food is alot better than what they have at the orphanage or in Estonia" I told her honestly. "Looks like I might have to go grocery shopping twice a week now" she joked with a little laugh. I thought she could be quite the smartass. I didn't address her comment as my thoughts drifted away to another difficult day ahead. I so fucking wished I could just dress normal. All of my troubles, if not most, would just disappear if I ended this facade. I had no choice but to be stuck this way and simply and I realized I had to always face my problems head on if I were to keep my sanity. Or was I sane at all? Surely a person who lives the life I live must be off their rocker. Now was not the time though for philosophical thought. My mind now wandered to the knife in the bookbag. I knew it would be safe there. I was just wondering if it was a smart move to take it with me. I sighed and let out a long exhale. "Well if your ready Esther, lets hit the road" she said. "Fine" I responded slightly before putting on my coat, my black mittons, and my black French beret. I struggled to sling the 20 pound bookbag over my shoulders. "You really should carry most of your books honey. Thats not good for your back". It was another one of those moments where I felt like rolling my eyes. "Oh, I'm okay. It's no big deal" I said. "Just try and be careful with that" she responded. "I'll try and be careful with this knife too" I thought. I took my usual perch and place in the back seat while Veronica warmed up the car. It was a few degrees warmer today and some of the snow seemed to be melting.

As we pulled out and drove to the school I was thinking of all the way I could drive her and Paul apart. If I were to succeed in my goal of even having the slightest chance of winning Paul's heart I had to begin thinking of ways in which to drive that wedge between them. I really didn't bother doing this with the first family who "adopted" me back in Estonia. I just went for the prize without thinking much about the consequences. As we passed through the snowy landscape I knew that this time around I had to learn from my previous mistakes and take much more precaution. But how? How was I going to tear a seemingly happy marriage apart? I had been trying to examine their weeknesses for the past week now and I couldn't seem to find any. There was no arguing in the house. No disagreements. No infidelities. I knew I certainly had my work cut out for me but in the here and now I just had to try and get through another day in the "Third Grade". Shit, I'm fucking old enough to be those children's teacher. Here I go bitching and moaning again!

We pulled up to the school and said out goodbyes. Veronica drove off and I scanned the environment for my new-found torturers as I lugged myself and my heavy bookbag up the stairs. Even children from other classes were taking notice in me as the new outcast of their school but they were merciful compared to Samantha and company. Kyle had been throwing around some choice words himself but so far Samantha was the Head Bitch in my opinion. In my bookbag I also kept my Bible. I wasn't really quite exactly sure why I was bringing it with me in the first place. Perhaps having it near provided some mild level of comfort. I don't know. I entered the school and shuffled down the hall and into Mrs. Weitzel's. Kyle was already in his seat a few seats over from my desk. "Look who just came back from Little House on the Prarie" he laughed. I hung up my coat and sneered at him as I took my seat.

I angrily opened my bookbag and put my English book on my desk. Like Samantha he knew he was getting well under my skin and I knew all of them thought I would continue to allow myself to be abused. He began staring at me with wide eyes as if to annoy me even further. I felt the anger coarsing through my body. It was taking more and more force of will to keep myself from just exploding with rage. Within moments the rest of these jackasses all took their seats. Samantha didn't bother to notice me as her and Amber (the girl who first insulted me from the last entry) were busy blabbering on about some preteen bullshit. Kyle began throwing M&M's at me which bounced off my head. He abruptly stopped as soon as the teacher entered. She greeted the class and the students did so in kind. I didn't bother saying a word. Mrs. Weitzel began distributing colored construction paper and scissors to each of us. As she walked from aisle to aisle handing the items out she explained what the "lesson" was today. "Class since we have been studying more advanced and difficult words over the past week I have a special project for you. I want each one you to cut your piece of construction paper with the scissors I have provided into a dozen small cards. On each card I want you to look in your English vocabulary dictionary in the back of your textbooks and write a differnet work of at least 9 letters or more onto each card. Afterwards, I will collect all of the cards and will shuffle them up. I will then start from the front row and moving to the back ask each one of you to spell a particular word I call out from the cards. Whoever scores the best will be exempt from our next pop quiz" she stated.

I wondered sarcastically. "Is straightjacket one word?" Yes, I knew how to poke fun of myself sometimes for the fuck of it. It was just when other people did so that it of course became a glaringly obvious problem. She told us we each had to work alone which was a relief. Not that anybody in this class cared to be paired up with me anyways. "I'll be right back in about 5 or 6 minutes class" said Mrs. Weitzel as she hastily exited the classroom. Samantha and the her little posse didn't bother me as they talked amongst themselves a few rows ahead. It didn't seem liked they cared much about their assignment. I had done my English homework the previous night and made sure I had it in my textbook. "Hey, dumbass!" Kyle remarked towards me. I pretended not to notice. "Little Orphan Esther" he added. "Yeah, I'm talking to you". I slowly turned my head doing my damndest to suppress the horror within. "Maybe I should cut those pony tail off on either side of your head." he sneered nastily. "I'd like to see you try" I remarked. "I'd like to see you try" he mimicked me sarcastically. "Your such a dumbass. Maybe your parents killed themselves cause they couldn't stand you. Go the hell back to Europe." he said. "Fuck you!" I snarled back. The rest of the class was ignoring our exchange of words and was taking the opportunity to be loud and boisterous amongst themselves. Kyle stood up and for a moment I wasn't sure what he was going to do. He began opening and closing the scissors in a menacing manner and without warning began to run my way while doing so. None of the others were paying attention.

Suddenly without even thinking about it I stood up and sidestepped him. I extended my left leg and tripped him. He fell down and knocked over my desk. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed in pure agony instantly getting the classes attention. My eyes immedietly became glued to the sight of red blood oozing onto the linoleum floor. The dumb little shit had fallen jaw first onto his scissors which pierced his jaw for what looked like at least a good inch. His body shook in uncontrollable pain as he screamed and gargled. I had to suppress a smile and pretended to be as shocked and surprised as the rest of the class. One of the male students ran and quickly fetched Mrs. Weitzel from the hallway. I cupped my hands over my mouth still pretending.

"OH MY GOD!" cried the teacher. She turned to the boy who had brought her in. "Quick! Get the nurse! NOW!" she shouted. "What happened?" she asked. The children shrugged. "He was running with scissors and fell over the desk" I told her in a shocked manner. He began crying profusely. "You fuck with Leena Klammer this is what happens" I thought angrily. I didn't have to and wasn't going to take this kind of bullshit anymore! Blood gushed out in spurts from the sickening wound. "Score 1 for me" I thought. An old and overweight nurse quickly entered the room and tended to the boy. "We have to leave the scissors in until the paramedics arrive" she told Mrs. Weitzel. "MOMMY!" the boy cried out. "What a pussy!" I thought. The nurse helped the boy to his feet while holding a large ball of cotton under his chin to collect the blood. My ego soered! I don't even think he realized I tripped him! He was so caught up with himself! What a dumb fucknut!.The outcome was even better than I thought it would be and for that I felt like giving myself a pat on the back. The nurse softly talked to the boy while trying to keep him calm. The two of them left the classroom while Mrs. Weitzel fetched some paper towels and some cleaning agent and began to wipe the boy's blood from off the floor. "You see class!" she shouted. "THAT is why you never run with something sharp" she scolded. She took a few minutes to celan up the mess I had helped create before disposing of the gore. She walked away shaking her head in dishust while I righted my desk back upright again. I took my seat and folded my hands on my desk as if nothing had ever happened. Today was turning out to be a good day after all! Hopefully now he would no better than to ever fuck around with me again!

Mrs. Weitzel had to calm the hyperactivity of the children following the "accident" and it took a little while for her to acheive that goal. She did her best to resume the activity that was at hand. The next few hours passed. We had lunch and surprisingly for the first time since starting at this school none of the other kids bothered to fuck with me. Maybe in their little minds they knew I had something to do with Kyle's unfrotunate "fall" from grace. HAHA! Or maybe I simply fading into the background. Soon I was to find exactly the opposite was true as recess began. I had spent the last 4 days with Mrs. Weitzel during recess so I didn't have to be bothered by them. Today I felt very bold and decided I would go out. I waited for the other children to exit. Once again it was just the teacher and I in the classroom. "You go ahead Mrs. Weitzel. I'm going out on that playground today" I told her boldy. "Well good for you!" she said proudly. "We'll see you outside then" she added. I gave her a nod as she grabbed her coat and left the room. Now was my chance! I put on my blue overcoat and my black wool hand mittons and carefully took the knife out from my bookbag. I carefully secreted the blade in a large pocket that was sewn inside my coat. I didn't have any plans at that time to use it. I just for whatever reason felt better to have it on me. I put on my black French beret and decided to get out and about.

I left the classroom as the sounds of the laughing and screaming of the children at play emanating from the outside filled the now empty classroom.

I closed the door behind me and headed out. Mrs. Weitzel was not outside today but I noticed her relaxing in the Teacher's Lounge as I passed by to go outside. Without any worry or apprehension I headed out the back door and down the stone steps to the playground. That little bastard Kyle was probably screaming in an emergency room somewhere. Now I could truly smile about what had transpired! I wasn't paying attention to any particular student out here. I just decided to walk around and enjoy the sense of power I now felt. For a few minutes I was left alone. I found myself standing by the monkey bars when all of a sudden I felt a jarring whack to the back on my head. I heard a red volley ball bounce along the asphalt as I angrily realized that was what had struck me. Standing alone in her oversized green coat and jeans was Samantha. Her friends I noticed were elsewhere playing tag and were not a part of what had just happened. "Hey, next time get the hell out of the way you retard!" she screamed loudly. That was it! I suddenly realized I had to take care of this bitch! She was causing most of the problems here and it was time to solve it!

I suddenly pretended to become frightened of her and started to run off to the woods that surrounded the playground. Again, like with Kyle in the classroom, none of the kids were paying attention. Truly they were the retards for not doing so because what was about to happen next would shake the whole community to it's core! Samantha quickly grabbed the ball and just as I was hoping she began to take off after me. There was a large thicket of bushes about 200 feet away that I began running towards. I was only hoping Mrs. Weitzel would spend the next 25 or so minutes left for recess in the lounge. "Come back Esther! What? Are you scared now?" she teased. I purposely fell over as if in terror and continued to run. I tried not to run too quickly so that she would continue to follow. "No! No! Please! Leave me alone Samantha!" I begged pathetically. Samantha was getting a huge kick out of my apparent fear and continued pursuing me. Within a few moments I "hid" behind the thicket of bushes well out of sight of the playground and waited for her. I heard coming closer and closer as she slowed down and began to walk behind the thicket. "Come on out orphan girl!" she shouted. I crouched down low and her attention was focused ahead of where I was lying. She walked within a few feet of me before I jumped up behind her and immedietely put my hand over her mouth to muffle her sudden startled scream. She was about my size and I knew she was going to try and fight me. I wrestled her to the sat on top of her. I kept my hand over her mouth as she let out pathetic screams of helplessness. Her eyes met mine in condusion. "You fucked with the wrong woman Samantha!" I said angrily.

She tried to scream loudly but my mouth kept her muffled. "Do you know what day it is for you, child?" I asked her softly. She tried screaming again. Suddenly with my free hand I reached into the interior of my coat and materialzied the 8-inch steak knife. Her eyes grew wide as saucers with fear as she began to struggle to get away from me. It was no use though as my 80 pounds of body weight kept her in her place. Tears formed in her eyes and ran down her face as I held the blade to her throat. "Today Samantha...", I knelt over and whispered into her ear. "Today is the day you die!" She tried to shake her head as I punched the little girl as hard as I could in her mouth. She let out a scream but I quickly muffled her with my hand again. "If only you hadn't fucked with me this wouldn't have to happen. It's a bad day to be you my child!" I told her in an ever so cocky tone of voice. She suddenly bit my thumb and I withdrew my hand. Without a hint of hesitation I stood up and pinned her head down with my foot. I took off my mittons and threw them to the snowy groundWith my foot over her mouth I quickly bent over and stabbed the blade of the knife into her tiny throat. I backed up within a split second as blood squirted out from the bloody gash in her neck. The blade was stuck in her throat and was embedded a good halfway into her jugular.

I knew this wound would be more than fatal. Unlike Kyle though this little wench wasn't going to survive the day. She began choking on her own blood and gurgling and gagging as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. She began going into violent convulsions. I laughed softly. "You flop just like a fish out of water! Looks like fun!" I said blood had stopped gushing and I pulled the blade out. Yet again I stabbed her in the neck. She kept gagging. I began to stab her in the stomach. In and out! Stab! Stab! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! Her body shook even more violently as once again I punched her in the face. I stabbed her with both of my hands on the knife handle as to ensure maximum penetration. Blood spewed from her mouth as suddenly she stopped moving. The 9 year old girl was dead. I knew nobody had heard or seen anything. Luckily for me there was no snow leading up to or away from the thicket and decomposing leaves still left over from Autumn months before completely hid our footprints. I smiled at this realization.

I looked down at the pathetic corpse laid out before me. Her winter coat did nothing to stop my blade. Her eyes remained open and rolled back into her skull. I dipped my finger into the fresh blood still flowing from her throat and tasted it. I let the warm, iron taste of her blood dance on my tastebuds. I realized I had precious little time to return to the playground so I put my mittons back on and hastily dragged her small body and pushed it underneath the thick shrubbery. I took piles of leaves and threw them over the corpse taking about 3 or 4 minutes to cover her completely. I took some more of the leaves from off the forest floor and wiped my blade clean. For a moment I was unsure as of whether to hide the blade or not. With my mitton I rubbed the blade handle and the blade itself free from any fingerprints. I made haste and ran about 50 or 60 feet behind the shrubs where Samantha's still warm body now lie. I found a large hollow inside a large oak tree and removed some of the decomposing wood. I hid the knife in the hollow of the tree and placed the dead wood back over it. I took a few moments to make it look as if it were completely undisturbed. The blade was now free of blood and prints. It was now an untraceable weapon! With only minutes to spare I walked back to the playground as if nothing happened. Still, to my glorious surprise none of the children seemed to notice that I was even gone. Mrs. Weitzel was still nowhere to be seen and absolutely no one was the wiser as to what had just happened.

An "accidental" stabbing and a murder all in the same day! You would think I would be scared of being caught but such an idea was the absolute least of my worries. After all, who would ever expect sweet, shy, and innocent Esther Sullivan of doing ANYTHING wrong? Even with the knowledge that Samantha had bullied me it seemed absolutely out of this world that my teacher, the students, and eventually even the authorities would even look at me for a single second as a suspect. They would blame a child predator. They would be looking at sex offenders in the area. I knew I was in the clear! Lots of kids were bullied and I knew I had played my cards just right! I casually sat down on the swing set and began to swing back in forth with a slight smile on my face. I was now an 8-time murderer. Samantha had brought it on herself and I felt that I was more than justified in having murdered her. "Looks like a mommy and daddy will be going to a funeral" I thought. I honestly felt proud of what I just did - yes PROUD! I had stood up for myself in the most extreme way possible and came out the victor! No more would I be pushed around! No more would I be victimized! No! Not this woman! Not Leena Klammer!

**In Chapter 14, the shock waves of Samantha's killing ripple throughout the community and rumors among the students point to Esther!...Thank you as always for reading and enjoying my work! I enjoy writing it as much as you enjoy reading it:-)**


	14. Whispered Rumors

**In Chapter 13, Leena finally lashed out against the classmates who were tormenting her resulting in one serious injury and a brutal murder behind the school building. Without remorse or fear she finds she is in the clear but soon suspicions among her classmater start to swirl...**

I spent the weekend in total glee over what I had done to those two fucknuts! Not the slightest hint of guilt or remorse ever passed through my mind as I relished in the thought of Samantha's surely grieving parents and Kyle getting a fucking scissor pulled out of his jaw. Subconciously I do think there was some worry that some level of blame may fall on me. I wondered if any of the children truly took notice to me being absent from the playground that chilly Friday afternoon. Did anybody hear something they shouldn't have? Did I in some way give off subtle cues to my hand in the crime? These were valid questions for me to ask myself. After much thought over the weekend I determined that I was safe. I was just the shy little orphan girl from a land far, far away. I was last on the list of suspects. So long as I pretended to grieve for the murdered girl and pretend to show sympathy I felt I could fly completely under the radar. Samantha's body wasn't discovered until Saturday by some local hunters. By Sunday it was on the morning news and on the front page of the local newspaper. Needless to say the community was stunned by the murder. Everybody of course was searching for pedophiles and violent sex predators. The paper even made mention that local police were running checks on every sex offender in the area and beyond. This fact made me feel even more secure. Perhaps some asshole would take the fall for me! I was more than happy to let somebody else pay for my crimes so long as it deflected the blame from myself. In the game of life I found it is all about saving your own ass in any way possible. Veronica of course gave Rebecca and I a talk about sexual predators and what not and warned us to be on guard. She even cried on Saturday night after getting over the initial shock of the girl's murder.

It was now the following Monday morning and as usual I went through the normal bullshit. Dresses, ribbons, breakfast, whatever. Only a week into school and this was already getting old. Veronica dropped me off at school as usual and once again warned me about being safe. As I was deposited in front of the school on that cloudy Monday morning I immedietely felt the tension in the air. Certainly every teacher and child in this school was now well aware of the news and probably received the same warnings from their parents and Rebecca and I had. Of course I didn't bring a knife or anything like that to school today. To top things off the knife I used to slice and dice the bitch had not even been found! For a second I felt like strutting up the stairs as bold and proud as a peacock but I remembered that I had to mimmick the emotions of the children if I were to keep myself off the burner. The boys seemed shocked and no child was in a playful mood. The usual sounds of joyful shouting and laughter were now replaced by the loud sobbing of her female friends. I knew this was going to be the only topic of hushed discussion among the students today. Without a moment of hesitation I took on a sad expression and glanced downwards as if in obvious sorrow. The feeling inside though was nothing short of the opposite. I walked slowly up the stairs passing Samantha's friends. Their faces were drenched in tears of painful loss. They embraced each other. I almost cracked a smile as I passed them but stayed in character. I wondered if the loss of Samantha would cause the anger and sorrow of this group of girls to be taken out on me. Killing another child would be too risky. I had the gut feeling that I would be left well enough alone. The students were downcast and the sense of grief that permeated the air was accentuated by the gloomy overhead sky as if matching their collective mood.

I walked into the building and proceeded to Room 103 as usual. I wondered how the teacher was going to react to the murder. I call it a "revenge killing". I knew we were in for a long discussion from the teacher today. I entered the classroom but Mrs. Weitzel was nowhere to be seen. I thought to myself that maybe she was trying to collect herself for the obvious task of facing the class about Samantha's demise. All that little bitch had to do was leave me the fuck alone and NONE of this would have ever happened - simple as that! She simply decided to play with fire and she got horribly burned. Can I be blamed for my actions? Depends who you ask I guess. I didn't bother to wear an overcoat to school today as it was relatively mild outside so I proceeded to take my seat. I looked at the empty seat a few rows ahead and realized it would remain that way for the rest of the school year. I just honestly hoped that it was the only chair that had to be permanently emptied by me. I could not promise myself that I wouldn't strike again if I had to. The murderous rage that could boil up inside of me was a demon I simply had no control over if it were intense enough. In the next few minutes the children, many of which were crying, entered the room. The bright overhead lights cast their reflections onto the linoleum floor. They hung their coats up between their pitiful sobs as I continued to relish in my victory. I maintained the facade of sadness as the classroom filled up. Had I had the ability at the time to make myself break down and cry I would have! It had to have been a good fifteen minutes or so before the teacher gathered herself up enough to enter the class and face us.

As she entered I noticed a tissue in her hand. Surely she had been grieving for the child's "tragic" loss as well. In such a small town I guess everybody knew everybody. She began by taping a large school portrait of a smiling Samantha to the blackboard. "Not smiling now are you bitch?" I thought as I stared at the dead girl's portrait. One of her friends had her head buried in her arms on her desk as she cried uncontrollably. "That's the price you pay" I thought. Mrs. Weitzel was obviously trying very hard to keep herself from breaking down in a similar manner as she began to speak. Her voice was shaky yet firm. "Class", for a moment there was a profound silence amidst the children's sobs. Kyle was nowhere in sight I noticed. "I obviously don't need to mention the horrific loss this class, this school, this community suffered on Friday." She wiped the tears from her eyes as she went on. She shook her head in disbelief. "In over 30 years of teaching I never imagined a time where I would need to be having such a heart breaking discussion with my students but it is something that I obviously must do because I realize the devastating, the horrible impact that Samantha Peterson's death has had on all of us." I listened intently in triumph. "This community has never experienced such a terrible loss of life before and I want all of my students sitting in this classroom to know what a beautiful human being we have lossed." She desperately held back the tears and took a moment to recompose herself. "What kind of sick person would do this to a child?" she sobbed. It seemed she had drifted away from the speech she originally intended to give and was speaking on her emotions. "I want all of you to know how much you matter to me and to the rest of our community" she said as tears found their way down her face.

The girls cried harder and the boys became ever more depressed as she continued. "I promise all of you that whoever did this, for whatever reason, they will be caught and they will be punished" she said harshly. I couldn't help but be a little jolted when I heard this. "You children need to realize that there are some people out there, very, VERY sick people who want to hurt people just like you" she said sternly. Her voice became a little more commanding. "There are sick people who will do to you what they did to our Samantha" she moaned. "In our grief though we must remember Samantha for the lovely girl she was and the absolute joy she brought to this classroom. We will all be reminded of her every time we look at this photo or look sadly upon her empty seat." she sobbed. "But I'm sure now your parents have discussed with you about safety so that this tragedy doesn't repeat itself again" she said more softly now. "I know all of you must be frightened along with your sorrow but I will have you know the police are working overtime to catch whoever did this. We must remember the happy times we shared with Samantha and not the event that led to her demise. We can't ever takes our lives or the lives of our classmates for granted ever again. I want all of you to share in her memory. Every one of you have the right to grieve and to talk openly without fear about what has happened. That is why our school has brought in grief counselors for the next few weeks so that all of you can have an adult you can talk to with about this horrifying tragedy." I did my best to become teary eyed. I knew my very freedom could depend on how well I acted. "This beautiful, precious child may have been taken from us but we must be there to support each other in this very difficult time." she went on.

I had to constantly remind myself to stay in character. I wanted to shout in ecstastic joy so bad! I finally let a tear run down my cheek. Mrs. Weitzel suddenly put me on the spot much to my dismay. "And it's a shame that poor Esther has to experience this pain with us being she has been here for such a short time" she added. I gazed down sorrowfully. "God, leave me the hell alone" I thought. I bit my lower lip and pretended to hold back tears. "We must stay strong during this time." I continued to listen. "There is nothing we can do to bring our Samantha back but we must keep her memory alive within our hearts so that in a way she keeps living in each one of us." she went on. "The funeral is next Monday" she said solemly. "And you will all be excused from class on that day to attend it if you so wish" she added. "For the rest of the day we will do no schoolwork. It's...it's just to hard of a day for all of us" she said softly. I was gleeful over how ignorant everybody was. Mrs. Weitzel then excused us to go out onto the playground if we wanted to. The children who had brought coats slowly trudged to the back to collect them. I stood up slowly and made my way outside. The clouds were beginning to break a little as I made my way out onto the blacktop. I noticed something starkly different today. I noticed armed police officers, three in all, surrounding the vicinity of the playground. Surely the entire town was paranoid to shit over what had happened and the police were obviously responding in kind. I locked eyes with one officer and looked sadly on with the knowledge that this man didn't know he was staring Samantha's killer right in the eyes. I dragged my feet along pretending to just as miserable as my other classmates. I couldn't doing anything that would raise suspicion. If I started skipping around or smiling or doing anything that somebody would deem as inappropriate I may very well become the target of instant scrutiny.

As the kids poured out onto the playground they seemed comforted by the sight of the police officers. They must have felt safe in the knowledge that the mysterious killer would not prey on them now. In shear ignorance they passed within feet of the feared killer. Make that an eight time killer! The police officers kept an eye on the children and the surrounding woods making sure to keep ever vigilant. I knew we would probably spend much of the day out here to mourn our, excuse me, their loss. I simply trudged along with my head down over to the lonely swing set. With an ever quiet reservation I sat down and swang slowly back in forth while holding onto the chains. The officers continued scanning the area. I turned my head and stared off into the distance towards the thick shubbery where I had carried out the murder and the subsequent hiding of the body and murder weapon. I could absolutely imagine the stunned shock of those hunters when they came across Samantha's battered and bloody body. I put so many holes in that girl she could be mistaken for a slice of Swiss cheese! HAHA! I love my dark sense of humor!

It wasn't long before I began to pay close attention to what the children were saying. I stood up and walked to and fro among the groups of sorrowful children. I got to within about 20 feet or so of Samantha's friends. They were a little "clique" as the American children call it and were doing their best to bring comfort to each other's grieving hearts. The shockwaves of my actions were truly rippling far and wide across the landscape! I noticed Amber who was talking to another girl who I now know was named Linda. "I just don't know where she went" Amber told her. "How can she just get grabbed off the playground by somebody and none of us seen it?" she said. Linda sniffled and did her best to keep her emotions under control. "You know, I had this dream over the weekend" I heard her say. "You know how she kept teasing Esther?" she went on. The girls nodded in unison. "It's just a dream I know but I dreamt her and Samantha got into some kinda fight and Esther stabbed her!" she exclaimed. My eyes almost grew out of my sockets! "What the FUCK!" I whispered. I just prayed nobody had seen anything. I prayed Linda didn't see something and then remember it in a dream. I tried to avert my gaze from them while listening at the same time. Somewhat easier said than done. "You dreamt SHE did it?" said another girl named Elizabeth. Linda nodded. "It was a really real dream too" she responded. The girls didn't notice me wandering around in their general area.

"You know I bet it was her" remarked Amber. "She's like Wednesday from the Addams Family or something". The girls didn't bother to avert their gazes to search for where I might be. "That's crazy though" said Elizabeth. "Oh yeah" said Linda. "I read alot about killers and all that and I heard kids like us can kill sometimes too" she explained. "But where did she get the knife from?" said Amber. "Maybe she brought it to school" added Elizabeth. "It ain't just bad luck either that Kyle got injured the same day right in front of her" Linda elaborated. The girls were now obvious suspicious and were putting thoughts into each other's heads. "I mean this never happened before and the same week this Esther freak comes to our class and these two things happen" Linda added. The girls shook their heads in unison and looked at one another. I backed away when I noticed Elizabeth and Linda staring at me. "What are you looking at you freak?" shouted Elizabeth. "FUCK!" I thought. "Now they're fucking accusing me! They'll tell their parents this shit!" I thought. I stared a little wide eyed at them. I was truly stunned that they would single me out but then again I realized I was the outsider in this class. "You...YOU DID IT!" shouted Linda. "You killed Samantha you bitch!" she screamed before running the 20 feet towards me at full speed. With my thoughts racing again I was too stunned to react as she jumped on me and knocked me to the asphalt. I fell down hard as she began pathetically hitting my chest with her fists. "YOU DID IT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!" she screeched. "Linda, NO!" shouted Amber. Linda slammed my head again and again against the pavement. Mrs. Weitzel and the officers heard and seen all the commotion and were at the scene in a heartbeat. "LINDA!" she screamed as her and an officer pulled her off of me. "MY GOD! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING LINDA! WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU? STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" she scolded loudly. "YOUR GOING TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE THIS INSTANT" she continued. "NO! NO MRS. WEITZEL! ESTHER DID IT! SHE KILLED SAMANTHA! I DREAMT ALL ABOUT IT!" she broke down sobbing.

"Please take her to the principal's office immedietely" she informed the officer who nodded and gently took the child by the hand and led her into the building. She turned her head and screamed in hysterics that I was the killer as she was led away for punishment. Her screams and pleas faded into the background as she was led further and further away. I rested on my elbow for a moment while a compassionate Mrs. Weitzel helped me to my feet. "My goodness!" she exclaimed. "Esther, child are you alright?" she asked while kneeling down. "I think so" I said grogily. I suddenly felt a stinging pain in the back of my head and a warm sensation. I put my hand to the back of my head and felt blood. I looked at my hand and it was saturated in blood! She had busted my head open! I looked behind me and noticed a small pool of blood on the asphalt. "Oh my gosh your bleeding!" she shouted. "Esther! We need to get you to the nurse right away!" she said urgently. I nodded and pretended to sniffle as the other children watched on in stunned amazement over what had just happened. As badly as I wanted to get back at Linda for what she had just done I knew this would not happen. One more incident of a child being harmed or killed and I would very likely be in hot water.

"THAT LITTLE BITCH!" I thought. I shook my head in anger. "Everybody stay calm" she said. "Everything is under control now". She put her hand on my back and led me up the stairs and back into the warm school. I could feel the warm blood oozing out of my open wound. Had Linda attacked me before Kyle's accident and Samantha's murder she would be a prime candidate for Victim No. 8 herself but I knew that no matter WHAT that I had to let the attack go. Surely what Linda had just done to me was much worse than Samantha's taunting but I had to pretend to be the victim now. If I hurt Linda like I said all eyes would definetely turn on me considering what I had just endured.

Mrs. Weitzel hushed me and comforted me as we walked towards the nurse's office. I pretended to cry even though I was as pissed as could be. My anger was tempered by the pure shock of the attack. I was surprised that Linda, a girl who hardly teased me at all, would react so violently but then again she DID attack the right person - I'll give her credit for that! Esther may have been able to endure an attack but my true self, the ever-violent Leena Klammer, wanted to get back at her in the same way as I had with Samantha. I quickly scrapped this thought though and thought of the consequences I would surely face if Linda fell victim to my wrath. I would likely be sent back to the Russian orphanage or put in Juvenile Prison or the like. This violent attack on my person was something that I would let go of. In the meantime I just took things one moment at a time. We entered the nurse's office and another older woman of around Mrs. Weitzel's age stood up and approached us. She was obviously concerned by my childish whimpering and crying.

"Another girl attacked her" Mrs. Weitzel said softly. "She has a cut that is bleeding on the back of her head" she explained. "Oh dear!" exclaimed the woman. "Let's get you into the examination and treatment room and see what we can about this" she said soothingly. I nodded slowly and with sad eyes I followed her as Mrs. Weitzel waited. The nurse closed the door behind us as we entered the room.

"My named is Belinda" she said. I shook her hand. "Esther...Esther Sullivan" I said quietly. "Now what happened?" she asked. "This girl...this girl said I killed Samantha and she beat me up" I told her sadly. "Oh goodness gracious!" she said. She came off as a very motherly kind of figure. Rather pleasant. She gently turned my head and examined the back of my head. "Your lucky!" she exclaimed. "This is just a nasty scrape that she caused. It's bleeding but that should stop in a little while" she added. "I'm going to call your mother and have her pick you up. I'm going to have your mother take you to your doctor just to make sure their isn't any skull fractures" she explained. I nodded understandably. I was still totally stunned by what had just happened. I knew that it was going to take every ounce of my being to keep myself from retaliating. Okay, yes, she WAS justified in attacking me but to me that wasn't at all a concern. I was now suffering from a major headache. The nurse put an ice pack on the back of my head and told me to hold it there for a few minutes. "Do I need stitches?" I asked. "Fortunetely, no" she replied. "Your just lucky there isn't any major damage" she said. Linda would probably get transferred to another class or even another school because of this. Believe me I CRAVED revenge, I craved blood but I still realized I could not lash out at her if I were to stay in the clear.

Belinda led me back out into the front office where she returned me to Mrs. Weitzel. "Everything is fine but I'm sending her home. I'll make the phone call" she told her. Mrs. Weitzel nodded and thanked the nurse profusely for all her help. The nurse smiled at me me as I waved goodbye. Now I was wondering if the rest of the class, the school, even the rest of the community would start to finger me as a suspect. Those girls were smarter than I thought but then again what evidence did they have against me? A fucking nine year old is too stupid to find out the truth. I knew now they would probably leave me alone. I did what I had to do to protect myself. Mrs. Weitzel silently led me back to the still empty classroom. I took my usual seat and waited. "Your mother will be here shortly" she explained. I didn't acknowledge her. "Esther?" she asked. "Yes, I heard you" I said calmly. I was in a mental blur right now. I realized though that actually being physically attacked might make me look more like a victim myself. Perhaps this was all to my advantage. I decided I would simply let Linda alone. She acted on impulse but I had to let it go for good. I waited and then waited some more. I probably waited for close to an hour as I laid my head down on the hard desk. Suddenly I heard Veronica's voice from the front of the room.

"Esther?" she said very concerned. She walked back to me as the teacher looked on. "My goodness, Esther!" she said. She put her hands on my cheeks and gave me a kiss. "It's alright baby. Mommy's here" she said quietly. She embraced me. "The nurse told me everything. Are you okay?" she asked. "Yes" I said in a sweet tone. "Seriously, are you sure? Are you alright?" I nodded. "The nurse wants me to take you to the doctor to get you an X-Ray. I swear if that girl broke your skull." she said angrily. She glanced at the wound and felt it with her hand. The blood already dried in my pretty hair. "Okay mommy. I'm fine with that" I said. I stood up and grabbed my bookbag. Veronica thanked Mrs. Weitzel for how she handled the situation and we were on our way out. We passed the principal's office on the way to the front door and I couldn't help but look inside. I seen Linda sitting in a chair. She was obviously upset as she must have been yelled at and was going to receive some kind of punishment for her attack. I had to let it be at there though. "You can't lash out Leena" I thought. I looked at her with a wicked glance. Veronica held my hand as we went out to the SUV and left for the doctor. "I can't believe this happened to you" whined Veronica. "Why would that Linda girl ever think you had something to do with what happened to Samantha?" she asked in frustration. "Maybe because I'm new there" I replied. "In any case I'm going to make sure that girl gets punished for this Esther. You watch and see!" she commented. I smiled at this thought. Still, any punishment Linda received from the school would be far less than a punishment I would deal out if I could. I simply watched the landscape as we drove away. Sure, Linda may have scored a point for her team but in the end I had the last laugh. Her friend was dead and there was no bringing her back. In a quiet moment I relished what I had done yet again. No pissheaded little cunt was going to fuck with Leena Klammer again...for that I was sure!

**In Chapter 15, Leena meets somebody from her past that may very well destroy her plans for Paul and all that she has worked for so far...Thank you again for reading!**


	15. A Face From The Past

**In Chapter 14, Leena is accused by a group of Samantha's friends of being the murderer. She soon finds herself at the brunt of an attack by a fellow classmate which leaves her battered and bloodied...now she is confronted by an even greater threat...**

A good five or six weeks passed after the murder. Most of the town came out for the funeral but I for one did not attend. Why would I? Sure it would help me save face with my classmates but I figured no matter what I did that somehow these girls knew what I had done. Still, I was never approached by any law enforcement officials or anybody else in regards to what had happened to poor little Samantha. Murder was nothing new to me though. The novelty wore off pretty quick and life slowly returned to normal at Franklin D. Roosevelt Elementary School. I now found myself feared by Samantha's friends. Kyle came back to class and was scared shitless of me. Knowing what happened to Samantha I knew he wouldn't rat me out. Anything said about me was whispered in hushed tones. I had finally gained the respect I demanded. Neither the teacher nor any other authority figure treated me any differently. I had become very comfortable that I was completely free of any consequences to my actions. I have never been a believer in karma anyways. Sure enough Samantha's seat remained empty. As for Linda? She was transferred to another classroom after the attack. That was definetely for her own good! Words cannot describe what I wanted to do to that girl. I kept myself in line though and the weeks passed with relative ease. It was now early April and Spring had arrived. It was still quite cold outside and the trees and bushes remained devoid of leaves.

It was the first Saturday of April, 2009. Paul and I were alone in the house while Veronica and Rebecca went shopping. I was invited along but of course I would rather spend some much needed quality time with the man I so desperately wanted to start a life with. He was so hard to get close to. Not because of his personality but because he was always so busy. Today was different though and I could tell that he genuinly wanted to spend as much quality time with me as I wanted to with him. We sat on the couch watching TV while the flames danced in the warm fireplace. I wasn't particularly really paying attention to the TV as my thoughts were focused on Paul. He wrapped his strong arms around me as I placed my head on his arm. "We really need to spend more time together honey." he said softly. I found his deep voice very sexy! "I'm sorry daddy is so busy" he said. "It's okay, really" I replied. "I know how hard work must be for you daddy. I just want to spend the afternoon with you." I told him honestly. I wished we could spend that time underneath the sheets in his bedroom but I was playing my cards very slowly. I had to take my good old time this time around. I almost wanted to fall asleep as he embraced me. He certainly knew how to melt all my troubles away. I felt so jealous over Veronica. For weeks and weeks my mind pondered over how to seduce this man. I probed his personality and searched for answers. They always seemed to elude my psyche. I knew I had all the time in the world right now to think about it. I was still in touch with Syrah. I did NOT tell her about the murder of course but I did tell her about all my troubles at school including my attack which I blamed on another reason which I now forget. I could tell in her voice when I called her that she wanted me to come home. The search for me had died down.

I smiled at this though while in Paul's embrace but I was perfectly happy where I was at now. I had laid down my roots and I wasn't going to allow myself to get uprooted now for anything! "Your my special little princess" said Paul sweetly. I gave him a peck on the cheek and smiled coyly, "Thank you, daddy" I whispered. No, I wasn't planning to seduce him or anything at this point. I was just a woman doing her best to enjoy the comfort of a man's arms. Something I haven't experienced even as a prostitute. Not since my real father held me all those years ago. He did remind me of him. Of course without all the raw sexual passion I shared with my real father. I missed those days. The whole reason I was here was to in part recreate those days. "Are you warm enough honey?" he asked while grabbing a thick blanket that was next to him. "Plenty" I responded. I grabbed the blanket anyways and we cuddled underneath. I wanted to put my hands down his pants so bad. I'll admit I was getting a little horny next to him but I was still in complete control. I felt in my heart that my romantic needs would be met in this household sooner or later. This was all hopefully just a precursor to all of that. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I fell deeply into his embrace. He wasn't wearing a shirt and the warmth of his tender skin against my own was titilating. To me it was sort of a foreign and surreal moment I suppose. I wanted to taste his lips and taste every inch of his body. To him what was a nice father-daughter experience was nothing short of pure romance to me. I felt so loved and safe and protected in his arms. "I'm really enjoying this" I whispered softly. Almost seductively. He kissed me. "I feel the same way sugar cube" he told me. I smiled. He recently began calling me "sugar cube" for some odd reason. He called Rebecca this as well. I didn't want to be some compressed cube of sugar though. I wanted to be the lover he only dreamed of.

I stared longingly into the fireplace. The flames matched the burning desire I had in my heart for Paul. I wanted to push Veronica off of a cliff or something. Every day I pondered ways of getting rid of her. I placed my hand on his chest and took the time to simply relax in the moment. I wanted so badly to tell him who I really was. I was actually having dreams in my sleep about this. I wanted to open my heart up to him so badly. I didn't want to share my darker aspects of my being to him. Only the love that I possessed for him. I wanted to tell him so badly how many long and lonely years I have been waiting for a kindred spirit and soulmate just as himself. He gently and softly rubbed my back as I closed my eyes relishing in the peace and tranquility that had come over the both of us. Suddenly we were both startled by the ringtone of Paul's cellphone which was on the coffee table in front of us. "I swear I can't get a moment of rest around here" he said a little annoyed. "Well there goes my moment" I thought. "Hello" he said while rubbing his eyes. "Oh James how are you bro" he said suddenly excited. I heard a faint voice over the phone but couldn't make it out. "Yeah, you can stop on over" said Paul.

"Yeah, I know" he went on. "Uh huh". I rolled my eyes. "Okay, see you in twenty then, alright, bye!" he said. "Who was that?" I asked. "Your new uncle that you haven't met yet that I was telling you about. It's my brother James." I smiled. Somewhere that name rang a bell to me but I couldn't dig it out of my mind. "He's in town and coming over to visit from Vermont" he said. "What's Vermont?" I asked. "It's a state here in New England." he told me. I nodded. "Well, I guess I'm looking forward to meeting more family" I told him with a broad smile. In actuality I was pissed that somebody was going to ruin our "together" time.

Paul suddenly stood up. "Guess I'll get ready" he told me. "I'm going to go feed my hamster" I told him and skipped upstairs. I shook off my dismay. After all, there would be plenty of opportunities for some alone time with Paul even when considering how busy he constantly was. I wasn't upstairs to feed the hamster. She had enough food. I just didn't want to have to deal with a new person. Whenever Rebecca was home she was constantly glued to me. She was essentially my shadow and I just wanted to rest with her out of the house. She had truly become aggravating despite her always sunny nature. I stared at the little hamster. "Your a little fat ass!" I remarked with a laugh. It wandered aimlessly in it's glass cage. I had to constantly change the little wood shavings as it was shitting all of the time. I sat in front of my mirror. "Paul's really taking a shine of you" I said out loud to my reflection. "Just a matter of time now Leena. It's going to work this time! I KNOW it will!" I said excitedly. I knew sooner or later my mind would formulate a plot that would seal the deal. The dual motion of pushing Veronica out of the picture and winning over Paul. "You'll figure it out soon Leena. I trust you completely". I felt a little odd speaking to my own reflection but deep down inside my words ringed with inner truth. I would prove Syrah wrong and show her and everyone else that I could win Paul over. I didn't even bother to consider at the time what the rest of the community would think of such an arrangement. Over half an hour passed as I spent the time brushing my curled back hair into position and fixing up my make-up as usual. I was beginning to wonder if this James character would show up at all. Not that I truly cared or anything. Rebecca and Veronica were still out at the time.

Suddenly I heard Paul's voice bellow from downstairs. "Esther honey? Are you awake sweetheart? Come downstairs and meet your uncle James!" he shouted up the stairs. I rolled my eyes. I didn't want to meet anybody else. Couldn't I just be left in peace? "I'm coming daddy! I'll be down in a few minutes" I chimed. "Okay" he shouted back. I had to finish touching up my face which I did in haste. The name James was still so very familiar to me. I left my room and slowly made my way down the stairs. I heard talking coming from the couch. The stairs were directly behind the couch by about 10 feet or so. I seen Paul and another man who had black hair and slightly resembled Paul. SUDDENLY IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS! NO! OH NO! SWEET MERCY NO! NOT HERE! NOT IN THIS HOUSE! NO! I immedietely began to sweat heavily. NOT THAT JAMES! I thought. NO LEENA! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! NO! OH NO! HE'S PAUL'S BROTHER! WAKE UP LEENA! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! OH FUCK! NO! NO! NO! PLEASE NOT NOW! THIS CAN'T BE FUCKING HAPPENING! my thoughts raced. I was on the verge of a panic attack as my heart raced uncontrollably. I will explain who James was in detail in a little while in this entry. To put it in a nutshell he was a former client of mine about 8 years prior when I worked as a prostitute in Estonia. Many of my clients were tourists and he was among them. He was extremely violent towards me the last time we met and now I was in a position of absolute terror. I backed up the stairs as neither of them seen me. I could feel the sweat forming underneath the guaze beneath my dress.

I shivered uncontrollably. I became weak in the knees and nearly lost my balanace. I could barely control my rapid breathing as my mind and body were going into pure panic mode. I bit down hard on my lower lip as I tried with all my might to keep myself from breaking down into a nervous wreck. I held back the torrent of tears of desperation that wanted to be released. "Esther!" I heard Paul again. With every single cell of my being I answered. "One moment daddy" I said innocently.

My mind suddenly became numb. I was in total shock as I struggled to keep my balance. "Don't cry Leena" I told myself. "He won't recognize you" I assured myself. Now was not the time to be controlled by the tidal wave of shock and terror that was flooding my soul. Then I remembered that when I worked as a prostitute I sometimes dressed like Esther and wore the make-up,etc. to draw in clients. I couldn't remember if I did this with James though. All I could remember was the beating he had given me which I will explain a little later on. I realized there was no running from this horrific situation I now suddenly found myself in. I rushed into my room quickly and powdered my face again in the hopes I could somehow better disguise myself. All the while I fought back the tears and the absolute panic. For a second I wanted to change into normal clothes but then Paul would notice my female development. I wanted to jump out the second story window and just flee. The questions fit me with such speed I could barely comprehend them. I felt like pissing myself! What if he recognizes me? What about the dresses? Enough make-up? AM I FUCKING WEARING ENOUGH MAKE-UP? "Esther come down honey!" Paul shouted. My hands and legs were shaking with fear. I took as many deep breaths as I could. While at the Saarne Institute I was told to do this to help in keeping me calm but it never worked and right now was no exception. I hit my closed fists on my legs in total frustration. "WHY FUCKING ME? NOOOOOOO!" I whispered in hopeless agony in Estonian.

With all my might I just decided to go for it. I slowly walked down the stairs and down into the living room. Paul was nowhere to be seen. He must have went to take a shit or something. I pondered confronting this man by myself or wait for Paul. I attempted to change my voice slightly to disguise how I sounded in the hopes that would help as well. I was still shaking and sweating but luckily my make-up was holding. My heart felt like it would explode. I decided that there was no better time than now. I had mere minutes to prepare myself for this moment and I knew I was ill-prepared to deal with this new situation. THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION! My stomach was in knots and my heart sank as I realized that my cover was very well about to be blown!

James filled me with terror as he suddenly turned around as he sat there. His face suddenly became flushed and he started sweating himself. I took this as the ultimate revelation that he must certainly know who I was. I remained as calm as possible. I was wearing a rather frilly white dress. I bent my knees. "Hello!" I said in more of an American accent. "My name is Esther" I said nervously. My voice shook uncontrollably as I introduced myself. I never used the name Esther when I prostituted myself in the form of a child so I knew he wouldn't recognize me by that name. My mind became frozen in fear. His face took on a red hue. I wondered what this all meant. He quickly composed himself. "How rude of me for staring" he started. "My name is James" he said politely. The same fucking voice! I dreaded that voice! "It's nice to meet you but I have to go outside for a little while to do something" I said. I rushed over to the closet under the stairs and grabbed my grey overcoat and quickly put it on. I made a beeline for the back door. Just as I was about to exit the back door I heard Paul's voice behind me. "Arn't you going to say hi to your uncle James?" he asked. "Oh, I just met him daddy but can I PLEASEEEE go outside and play?" I begged. I jumped up and down childishly. "I REALLY REALLY WANNA" I begged. "Shy, arn't ya?" he asked. I shook my head in denial. "Just wanna go out" I told him. "What's the hurry? Don't you want to get to know your uncle?" I gulped. He caught me in a question my brain didn't have a ready answer for. He sighed. "Well, I know how it feels having to meet new people here in America. I know your shy and that's okay. You can go out and play if you want but stay close" he beckoned. I hugged him tightly. "Thank you daddy!" I said in relief. I skipped out the back door in total relief. For the time being I though I was completely in the clear. "Maybe that woman-beating asshole was sweating and red because of how warm it was in the house" I thought. My mind suddenly darted to the idea that he would tell Paul but I convinced myself that he didn't recognize me.

"He would have reacted more stunned" I told myself. "He was just staring at your dress because it's so out of place" I assured myself. "Yes, that HAS to be the reason, Leena!" I smiled to myself. Even though I was proof-positive as to who this man was I felt confident that I left his presence quick enough so that my true identity remained undetected. So I hoped! I was still shaking from what had just happened. Less than an hour ago I was safe and comfortable wrapped in Paul's arms and now out of all the fucking things the happened to me NOW THIS! This was even worse than the Samantha incident. MUCH worse! I suddenly let myself cry. I ran over to a large tree and curled up in a ball beneath it. I sat on the side of the tree facing away from the house so I wouldn't be seen. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but this would only alert Paul. In total defeat and utter frustration I broke down. I buried my face into my knees as I sat curled up with my arms crossed over my knees. My world felt like it was now totally collapsing. In the back of my mind the total fear, a fear higher than the loftiest mountain yet deeper than the greatest ocean totally consumed me. For all I know he could be telling Paul about "Leena Klammer" at that very moment! The tears coarsed down my cheeks in steady streams. I turned around and punched the tree in utter hopelessness. I was oblivious to the pain as I began pounding the ground in front of me with my fists. I fell over on the ground and laid in a fetal position. I must truly have looked pathetic. Worst yet what if the truth has been revealed and the authorities notified. The cold wind chilled my bones to the core. I cried loudly. Everything I had planned for was now in serious and dire jeapardy. All those months of waiting, all the bullshit I've had to put up with, all gone! ALL GONE! The tears stung my eyes as I let my emotions flow forth. I sat back up and brushed the dirt off of me.

I was still shaking. I was still in a panic. I was absolutely flabbergasted and dumbfounded over what was transpiring. I thought fate was surely out to get me! "When will I ever know happiness?" I cried. I peered carefully around the tree trunk and simply stared at the back of the house. I rubbed the tears from my cheeks and eyes which had blinded me. My eyes struggled to focus. I was expecting Paul to run out the door with an ax or something any minute or for a gang of police officers to come searching for me. I truly did want to piss myself right then and there! I couldn't believe that it could possibly end this way! I wished it was all some horrible dream but I knew that it was all too real. I slowly got to my feet and composed myself. My knees wobbled as I bent over slightly to brush the dirt off my tights. My feet felt like they weighed a thousand pounds as I slowly made my way closer to the house. I decided to linger out front and wait for James to leave. There was plenty of farmland in front of the house and I wandered out into it. I walked through the tall grass as I now stared towards the front of the house. Paul suddenly opened the front door and noticed me. A jolt of fear suddenly stabbed my inner core! He smiled and waved at me to my complete relief! I waved back but then another terrible thought hit me. What if he was only pretending to smile and wave at me while he called the cops or something? That thought suddenly dragged me back down. I continued walking through the grass for a good long while. What those two men were talking about is still a mystery to me. My heart truly sunk to a new low when I suddenly came to the realization that I DID dress like Esther when "servicing" James! I felt absolutely defeated now. TRULY he knew who I was! I began crying in helpless fear once again as I crouched down in the tall grass. I was absolutely unsure of what to do next. Some part of me was still telling me that he had not realized who I was and I so desperately wanted to believe this! I thought back to the last time I had met James.

When working in the Estonian capital of Tallinn I slept with literally hundreds of men. I made a good living, in excess of 200,000 Euros a year! This was after I had murdered the first family who "adopted" me. I prostituted before my stay with that family as well but I soon found out that posing as a little girl brought in fantastic money and fast! As I wrote earlier many of my "clients" were tourists and I slept with many Americans. I had my share of locals too but all in all most men got down to business with me and then left. I had been pushed and slapped by several clients in the past but James nearly choked me to death! To put it short, James was a businessman who traveled around Europe buying materials for a company he worked for. He traveled around Europe doing this and he often found himself in Estonia. Around the year 2002 or so he became one of my clients. He was fantastic in bed and for awhile I had no problems with him. About 9 or 10 times I slept with him charging 150 Euros an hour. I often wound up with 700 Euros or more after a night with him. Once night in particular though I personally fell victim to his own violent side. We were in the hotel and I serviced him that night as usual. I of course played the whole role of "Esther" which most of my clients enjoyed. To put it bluntly, he wanted to put it in my rear end (to say it nicely) and I absolutely refused. That was the only thing I would not tolerate any client doing with me and I told him no. He was quite drunk and suddenly flew into a rage. He decked me right in the face and knocked me to the ground. He knew I was "Leena Klammer" and that I was wanted for murder but that didn't stop him. He suddenly picked me up off my feet and literally threw me against the wall.

Next thing I knew he was on top of me and choking the life right out of me. I thrashed and fought and he threatened to turn me into the authorities if I didn't give him what he wanted. I refused and he continued to violently beat me. He slammed my head repeatedly into the furniture and broke my nose. He began kicking me in the ribs and calling me every sort of horrible name you can call a person. "Dirty slut"..."Dime store hooker"...and on and on. He kicked me in the head and knocked me unconcious but not before choking me some more. When I awoke he was gone and I was forced to flee the hotel just in case he really did call the authorities. I wandered the streets dressed as "Esther" for hours before finding another hotel to "set up shop" once again. At least there he wouldn't find me. In the end I guess he didn't call the authorities because nobody came to the hotel looking for me. It was a few months later when I was finally arrested, deemed "insane" by the Estonian courts and sent to the Saarne Institute.

Thinking about the brutal abuse I had to endure at his hands suddenly filled me with a new-found sense of rage. Linda's attack on me was nothing compared to what a grown man like him did to me. I still carried those horrible mental scars even all those years later. It also reminded me of how my father used to beat Syrah when she didn't "pleasure" him "right". I wanted to tear James Sullivan to pieces! I wanted to inflict the worst possible torment but I knew that like with Linda I had to keep my cool for right now. Who knows? Maybe he would become Victim No. 9. If I had to kill this motherfucker to protect my identity then you could bet I would! I had come too far now in my journey to let this asshole spoil my plans. Things were finally looking better for me now and it would be over my dead body that he would be allowed by me to ruin things. After about an hour of lingering out front the front door opened and James exited. He caught glimpse of me and waved. I waved back without thinking. I was still hoping he thought I was somebody else but I had to face the truth. I wore the exact same dresses as a "child" prostitute that I wore now. He was well aware of my clothing style and I knew now he had to know who I was. He had to have easily put two and two together. What was going through his mind? Surely he would return! I knew it! I had to kill this son of a bitch! Now my soul was truly in the greatest torment!

I slowly approached the house not knowing if Paul knew now who I really was. I opened the door and stepped in from the cold. I nervously took off my overcoat. Paul seemed like his normal self. "You were out there awhile darling. You don't want to get sick!" he said kindly. "I just needed to get out of the house. Sorry for taking off like that." I responded. I asked the obvious question that was haunting me. "What did you and uncle James talk about?" I blurted out. "He was just talking about his wife and his trips to Europe. I haven't seen him since Summertime" he said. I nodded and hoped Paul was telling me the truth. I'm pretty good at reading people and I could tell after a few moments that indeed my cover remained safe. I breathed a huge sigh of relief but I was completely unsure as to whether this man would return. "He'll be coming over tomorrow" Paul said. My heart suddenly sank once more. "He has some things to do in town and all". Of course I was still in a state of shock over him even being there in the first place. "Oh" I said softly. I walked away from Paul just as Veronica and Rebecca walked in the front door. "Oh hello Esther" said Veronica. I didn't say a word as I briskly passed them and hurried up the stairs. The two of them must have been bewildered by my sudden change in behavior.

I closed the door gently behind me and once more let the tears fall. I felt like tearing my hair out! I knew that if my cover was blown I would have no choice but to kill again. I didn't want to destroy all of the exhausting effort I had expended to get where I now was but I knew I would possibly have to take the most drastic actions in order to keep myself safe from being re-captured. Even In America I wasn't safe!

I decided against telling Syrah. She was worrying about me enough the way it was. I only kept my sister in the dark for that reason. "That motherfuckers coming back" I said hoarsely. My eyes still stung from the tears but I was lucky enough to have regained enough composure that Paul didn't notice that I had been crying. I knew tonight would be sleepless. If I knew where this beast was staying I would slay him myself! I knew he recognized the dress. He had to! "No!" I told myself. Then I realized he did know I had passed myself off as an orphan in Estonia to the family back there. He knew about my past. I remember having gotten drunk with him and divulging alot about myself. My heart was struggling to make up it's mind. The question of whether or not he truly did notice me was haunting my soul. I laid down on the bed and simply stared at the ceiling. I thought of various ways I could kill James and cover it up. He was now the wedge between Paul Sullivan and I. I wanted to avoid this man tomorrow if at all possible. Hopefully he would go back home to Vermont and that would be that. That thought brought me some comfort. Maybe Rebecca and/or Veronica and I could leave for the day tomorrow and everything would just blow over after all. I did my best to soothe myself to the best of my ability.

I glanced over at Gertrude the hamster and stared at the little critter. I then stared up at the pale white ceiling again for what seemed like an absolute eternity. My whole body felt numb. I felt like my whole life was cursed. I couldn't stop questioning why my luck in life has been so terrible. I got up and examined my face in the mirror. At least my make-up had held. I once again had to touch myself up. I was so sick of this cakey make-up. The dresses, the ribbon, the make-up. They were all just an elaborate lie. They hid the violent woman who lied beneath the surface. Would these pretty looking lies work on James though? I could only hope against hope that this former "client" of mine would be out of the picture in a hurry. Suddenly I heard a knock on my door. I scrambled to put my make-up kit in it's drawer. "Yes" I squeaked. In came Rebecca. "I heard what happened. Why is my little sister being so shy all of the sudden?" she asked pleasantly. "That's just the way I am sometimes around strange people" I explained. "Strange?" she said. "That's your new uncle. He really is a very sweet person". If only she knew what he did to me. Okay, I know, he beat me up while I murdered people so who am I to judge? Well, fuck what anyone else thinks. That is the way I felt and still feel about James. She must have sensed my sadness. "Is everything okay Esther?" she asked concerned. I nodded. "I guess it's just the cold weather" I replied. I suddenly asked her a question that I hope she would say yes to. "Can we go somewhere tomorrow?" I asked excitedly. "Oh, sorry Esther, mom wants both of us here tomorrow when Uncle James comes back. She told me so on the way home." I knew I was fucked when it came to having to face this guy once again. "Well anyways, mom will have dinner ready for us in like an hour or so." I nodded sadly. Rebecca was perplexed by my depressed mood. "Call me then when it's ready" I said. "I'm going to take a nap". Rebecca smiled and nodded. "Alright then. I'll call you when it's ready." She walked softly out of my room making sure to close the door gently behind her. I heard it click shut as it closed.

I may have been able to get away with really spending time with James but I knew tomorrow would probably be much different. I doubt pretending to be sick would work. I knew Paul would definetely make me "get to know" him tomorrow. I was now in a very poor position to make any plans about the current situation. I had so little time. I needed time to think these things over. I didn't even want to eat dinner tonight. My stomach was completely tied in knots. It was cramping bad due to the fear. Now I knew what getting a period must be like! I almost felt like falling over. I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit and ran to the bathroom that was down the hall. I slammed the door behind me and threw up into the toilet. That was how frightened I was overall. I waited a moment and threw up a second time. I wiped my mouth with some toilet paper and flushed the mess down the toilet. It's amazing how the circumstance of life can change on a dime like this. This was a truly dark hour in my life. I felt in my heart I may very well lose everything now. Then what? Flee back to Estonia to my sister and once more be at square one? Worse yet of course was the prospect of being led away in handcuffs tomorrow. My thoughts raced and raced...and raced. As I tried my hardest to hold myself together I could only wonder what tomorrow would have in store for me. I wondered for the rest of the day what my fate would possible be...I could only speculate. Later that night after a hapless dinner and after spending the rest of the day in the solitude of my room I laid awake in my bed. Tomorrow could very well be the end of my journey...

**In Chapter 16, will Leena kill James? Will James even recognize her? What will happen if he does?...I thank my fans for reading as always!**


	16. Dodging The Bullet

**In Chapter 15, Leena had an encounter with one of her former clients from her prostituion days who happened to be Paul's brother. She left the house in a hurry to avoid him but is now left with many unanswered questions. Chief among these was she remembered by him? Leena finds herself caught in an unimaginable position of misfortune...**

I had a completely sleepless night as Sunday dawned. The brilliant shafts of light that slowly illuminated my room filled me with a sense of total and utter dread. It had now in fact been confirmed that James would be coming over today yet again. Perhaps against my better judgment I e-mailed Syrah the previous evening and told her of my predicament. I didn't want to worry her but I had to tell SOMEBODY! I knew she had to be worried sick at this moment. I think she knew what was coming. I was prepared to kill to protect my identity. I could not allow myself to be recaptured this day! At any cost I had to keep myself safe! I laid in bed for hours. I remember looking over at the clock. It was 10:00 in the morning. I haven't been this frightened since the first day I spent in the Saarne Institute. It was that bad at this point! I just laid there in my white nightgown. I felt totally alone in helpless in my current predicament. The world might as well be ending for me. I listened to the chirping of the Spring birds as I tried to keep myself from having a panic or an anxiety attack. I've suffered from those for years. As my mind dwelled on every possible outcome for what today would bring Rebecca suddenly sprung in without even knocking. "You awake Esther? It's breakfast time and Uncle James is here" she said excitedly. What was a day of happiness and easy going for the Sullivans could possibly become a nightmare for me.

"Okay", I whispered softly. My eyes stared blankly into hers. I did my best to crack a smile. I couldn't break my Esther persona for any reason. "Give me a little while and I'll be right down." Rebecca nodded and implored me to hurry up. I was not in a rush to get caught! I sat up in bed and took one final glance at the alarm clock before scooting out of bed. I heard Rebecca's footsteps make their way downstairs as my mind raced to find some way of disguising myself. I HAD AN IDEA! "Fucking clever!" I told myself as I quickly made my way out of my room. "REBECCA!" I shouted. "Yeah?" she replied. I stood at the top of the stairs and she walked onto the bottom landing. "I'm kinda cold. Is it alright if I borrow one of your sweaters?" I asked. "Yeah, of course" she responded to my relief. "Go into my closet and get one but their way too big for you!" she explained. "That's fine. I just wanna stay warm" I told her. "Hurry up though because he is here. You don't want mom and dad to get upset." she continued. "Just a few minutes Rebecca...just a few minutes". I went back into my room to inspect my make-up. "Perfect" I said with a smile. I was such an expert at applying the right amount of make-up. With that out of the way I made my way in Rebecca's mess of a room. I glanced at the room in disgust. A lava lamp was knocked over on the floor. Dirty laundry was scattered about every which way. Her bed remained unmade (okay, I was frequently guilty of this too). I smelled incense which she must have been burning earlier.

I quickly walked over to the closet nearly tripping over a pile of clothes. "Oh son of a bitch!" I shouted in Estonian. "That damn girl!" I exclaimed. I wondered if the ever-annoying Rebecca ever heard of a clothes hamper before. I shuffled through the vast array of clothing hanging from the rack. I found a red wool sweater. Despite it's ridiculous size on me it would hide my "female development" from everyone's eyes while ditching the Esther outfits. I couldn't dress this way to school. Yes, my dresses were ridiculous but this shirt was like 5 sizes to large! Like THAT wouldn't raise suspicion! I just needed it for today to avert James' attention. This man was nothing short of horrible in my book. He reminded me of how my real father used to violently beat Syrah. James beat me pretty much to a pulp and every fiber of my being wanted to decapitate his head and take a piss down his neck! I had to stop myself from having violent thoughts as I made my way back to my room. I took off my long nightgown and pulled out one of the fresh pair of jeans that Veronica had bought me. They fit snuggly around my waist. I put on a pair of socks and some sneakers that I had brought with me to America. I haven't worn these yet while with the Sullivans but I had them and so I brought them. I pulled the oversized red sweater over my torso. Quickly I brushed my hair as it was straight once again. The brush tugged on my hair as I brushed with fervor. I had to be quick so I wouldn't get "yelled at". This sweater was indeed way to large as I examined it once more. It went down to maybe an inch above my knees. I had to roll the sleeves up as they were way to long for my small arms. I looked in the mirror. I looked even more ridiculous this way than being dressed as "Esther". It worked though in hiding my figure. I examined my frame from every angle making sure any signs of womanly development were adequetely concealed. I could care less what the family said so long as I could hide my true identity from James. Considering that he had seen me as "Esther" yesterday I was completely unsure if this effort would even be effective.

I took a very deep breath and headed down the stairs. I felt like I was walking to my doom with every step I slowly took down the stairs. I turned the corner on the landing and walked into the large living room. "Take it easy Leena." I told myself in my head. Sure enough the whole family and James were sitting and talking on the wrap-around sofa set. Veronica and Paul giggled at my appearance. "Good morning Esther!" chimed Veronica. "Your really THAT cold!" she teased. Paul laughed along with her. "Think it's going to take a good five or six years for you to grow into that." he added. "Bunch of smartasses!" I thought. I didn't want to think that way about Paul. "Yeah, I let her wear one of mine" explained Rebecca. "I'm surprised your not dressed up" Paul went on alluding to the fact that I was wearing jeans. I smiled and forced a laugh from between my lips. Their comments were the last thing I was worried about though as my eyes made my way to James. My heart rate took off but I kept myself under control. "You took off in such a hurry yesterday" Paul continued. James turned and faced me. I could feel his eyes examining me as I stood rigid. I was surprised that I was controlling my fear and anxiety so well! I extended my hand and shook his. "Yes, sorry about that Uncle James" I said softly. "I was just stuck in the house for awhile." I watched James' eyes examine my frame. I had NO clue if he knew who I really was or not at this point. "Why hello Esther" he said in a very fatherly voice, if you want to call it that. "No need to take off. I won't bite!" he teased. I still could not believe in any way that this was actually happening to me. "I'm very glad to finally be able to meet you. Your daddy and I talked about you all day yesterday." he said.

"Sorry again for running off. Daddy says I'm shy sometimes" I said. Him and Paul laughed a little at this remark. "I guess it's true" said James. I made my way over to the left hand side of the wrap-around couch and say down between Paul and Veronica. Rebecca sat on the right of James with him on the center section. The fireplace was sure enough crackling as Vanessa left for a few moments. James stared into the fireplace as him and Paul made small talk. Vanessa returned with a cup of hot cocoa that she placed in front me. "Thank you mommy!" I told her tenderly. I placed my head on Paul's arm as they went on talking. Veronica looked over at me. "See? Nothing to be scared of." she told me. "You can really get to know your Uncle James" she said very softly so as not to interupt the conversation of the two men. "He'll be here all this week" she continued. "Oh that is fucking wonderful!" I thought. I just wanted to look pretty for this asshole and allow my life to continue without any outside interruption. The two men talked about the "old days". Past camping trips, things they had done as children, how "life" was going. Every once in awhile James seemed to glance over at me. I became highly unnerved by this. Was he simply curious about me? DID HE KNOW? I did not want to find myself alone at any point with this man. I hummed "The Glory of Love" softly to myself as childishly as I could. Paul had his strong muscular arm around my shoulder as I reclined onto him. Even he might not be able to safe me from James. If he did know who I was I was going to have to deal with this major problem by myself.

Rebecca suddenly interrupted. "Sorry for interrupting but I'm going to go over my boyfriend's house" she said. "Well fine hon but be careful because the roads are slick" Veronica replied. She walked away. "Hey, did you hear what your mother said" Paul remarked. Rebecca turned and nodded before heading to the downstairs closet to fetch her coat. She didn't seem to like James too much either and seemed to be in a hurry to leave. I turend around and waved at her. "Bye sister!" I said sweetly. She smiled. "Bye bye Esther! Behave yourself/" With that she was out the door. I felt a chill breeze enter into the living room as she opened the door and exited. Despite it being April it was still quite cold outside as we were in the far northern part of the United States. I decided to see if I could get away with leaving the house as well. "Mommy, daddy, can I go outside to play?" I asked. Paul sighed for a second and I thought he would refuse. "Well, I guess if you want to" he said. "But take your coat" Veronica empathized. "Yes mommy. I won't forget!" I told her before going into the same closet Rebecca was digging in a few moment earlier. I took out one of my overcoats - the blue one with the black buttons and made my way out the front door. "You be careful Esther" shouted Veronica. I winked at her for some reason and waved to Paul before going outside. I felt safe outside. I made my way the house and into one of the fields. I simply walked around aimlessly. I needed alot of time to sort my thoughts out. I was sincerely hoping this whole gigantic incident would simply blow over. I picked at the tall grass as I walked gingerly over the hard and uneven ground. The birds chirped happily and I observed a few deer coming in and out of the woods surrounding the Sullivan property. My breath condensed as it rose into the cold air.

I could only WISH not that school was the worst problem in my life. My mind was far removed from Samantha's murder. Far removed from Kyle. Far removed from my attacker Linda. The countryside was breathtakingly beautiful. I wanted so bad to believe that everything would be perfectly alright. I decided I wasn't going to cry anymore about this. I had to be strong for myself and for my success. If only the Sullivans knew what James was doing on those so-called "business trips" he kept talking about. I kept thinking back to him kicking me in the head and ribs while I screamed in terror. I thought of my sister crying when she heard about what he had done to me. I came so close to losing my life. Yet he was the lucky one. He took off in a hurry after beating me and I spent literally weeks trying to hunt him down but apparently he either stopped coming to Estonia or was seeing other "street walkers". Something told me I wasn't the only woman who had endured his wrath. That day was among the worst in my 32 years. Now he was suddenly back in my life. Suddenly thrust into the spotlight. I was still at a complete loss as to what to do. I refused to allow myself to run off. I'm sure Syrah would want me to do this now knowing exactly what was going on. She was probably a nervous wreck by now. I shouldn't have informed her last night of James' return. For an eternity I walked around the property. I could see Veronica peering out the windows every so often to keep an eye out for me. I waved at her to let her know everything was okay. Well, at least that was what I wanted her to think.

I suddenly found myself thinking about what James was thinking. If he knew who I was what would his plans be for me? The unanswerable questions were nothing short of nerve-wracking. I gritted my teeth as my gaze kept returning to the house. What words were being exchanged within it's old stone walls? My heart told me that James hadn't told anybody about "Leena Klammer". Still, if he figured out who I was yesterday that would leave him plenty of time to plot what he might do to me. I swear I was totally ready to slice this motherfucker's throat from ear to ear. I wished I had found this fool in Estonia because I promise he would have left Europe in a body bag! My heart and mine were now a mixture of absolute rage, absolute worry, and absolute fear. Was I to let myself become a victim by him yet a second time? That beating was all over me refusing to perform sexually for him in the way he wanted. I remembered having to flee to another hotel and then changing into "normal" clothes before checking in after he beat me and left me for dead. I remembered the fear of wondering whether or not he had contacted the authorities. I remember having to go to the hospital the next day in total terror under an assumed name to get my broken nose fixed. I remembered wiping the blood from my face. I remembered how sore I was for weeks afterwards. There was no excuse! I treated him with respect. Linda's attack was just nothing compared to what he did. He spat right in my face as he beat me. To him I was as valuable as a dog. Now I know what people will say. YOU, Leena Klammer, killed children. You DESERVED that beating! No, I didn't. I keep what I did to the family back in Estonia, or what I did to my real father, or what I did to the two "customers" I murdered totally different from what James did to me simply because I have a right to my own body! People can think whatever the fuck they want about me I really don't give a shit! I've said that a million times before!

Anyways, I was surprised the Sullivan "parents" let Rebecca and I leave so easily. I wish I had gone with her. I found myself thinking about all of the different violent ways I could finish off James. Sure I could shoot him or slice his throat. I wanted to torture him and make him feel the same pain I felt but only worse. I wanted him to SUFFER, to suffer for what he did. I was only getting myself all worked up and I knew this simply was not the best course of action. I had to constantly remind myself to remain as calm as possible. I had gone through all this yesterday though. There was no way I was going to have any level of control over this situation if I did not have any level of control over myself! I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my powdered face as I walked alongside the woods. I was startled when a turkey vulture soared overhead. I was very jumpy right now. I quickly regained myself and walked back around to the front of the house again and just paced up and down the driveway. What I wouldn't give to kill James and get away with it! I wanted his blood on my hands and one way or another I wanted to make him pay in full! I became cold despite the sweater and coat and felt bold enough, believe it or not, to go back inside the house. I put my hands in my pockets as I trudged to the front door and back inside. Sure enough James was still chatting away with his brother while Veronica was in the dining room polishing the table. I had to appreciate the fact that she kept a very clean house although right now obviously that was not a subject that was on my mind.

"Oh, your back" she said as I approached her. "Yes, mommy. Much too cold!" I explained. "When does it ever get warm here?" I said sarcastically. "Give it a few more weeks." she said. "We just might be putting in a pool this year honey. Would you like that?" she said bending over and putting her hands on her knees. "That would be wonderful mommy!" I said. I smiled and we hugged. She tried to pick me up. "Ow! Mommy's back hurts! Your a little too heavy for me Esther" she laughed. "Oh yeah, I weighed what, 80 pounds or so?" Somebody always seems to have some sort of smartass remark towards me even if they don't mean it. Did I say this before though? In any case I told Veronica I was heading back upstairs to get my homework finished. She excused me and went about her chores. James and Paul were now playing a game of cards as I eyed them briefly before hurrying up the stairs. I had to get away from James once again. I was at least happy that my new temporary choice of clothing didn't seem to arouse anybody's suspicion. I really did have to actually complete my homework. Yes, I know, 3rd Grade Math homework at 32! I sat in front of my mirror and broke out the paper and the books. I spent the next hour or so trying to complete my various assignments. They were very easy for somebody my age but I just couldn't concentrate in the least. Not with that man still in the house! Not with my very abuser under the same roof! I put my head down on the wooden vanity and faced Gertrude who was wandering around inside her cage. I felt so alone and isolated. My computer was on the desk next to the vanity and I decided to go online. I sat down on the desk and logged into my email. To my delight Syrah had replied to my email that informed her of my current situation. I still have all of her emails saved in my email account. I do use the computer here at the orphanage and stay in touch with her! I'm copying her email into this journal because I printed it out here at the orphanage's computer lab this morning. It reads like this. It is dated April 5th, 2009.

Leena,

"I don't know what to say to you or how to say it. I'm trying to figure out if your even telling me the truth. If possible Leena I want you to call me ASAP. You have no clue how worried I now am about your welfare! Why the HELL didn't you stay with me? Has this man figured out who you are yet? I'm hoping against hope this this is not the case! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ESTONIA LIKE THIS? Didn't I TELL you something like this would happen? Now look! I'm praying night and day that you don't hurt anyone or become hurt yourself. I want you to keep writing me everyday as to what is happening over there. If you want Leena I will fly to America and you can run away back to Estonia wtih me. I'm serious Leena I don't want you to get in over your head and now I feel like that is what is happening. I cried all of last night because of what you told me. I'm not trying to guilt you I'm just so concerned that you will be found out. Believe me I don't want you in a straightjacket again and I don't need to be the one to tell you that. If you only stayed with me Leena you would still be safe. Nobody has come around looking for you. Leena what are you going to do exactly if your discovered? Another killing spree? I'm scared beyond words about your state of mind right now but Leena no matter how scared you must be right now remember just one message to me and I'll be there to get you at anytime! I'm not going to have a repeat of what happened in Estonia. I want you to live with ME! I know you have your own life plans but Leena I feel like your entering hot water. I have and always will love you to the end of the world and beyond! I just want what is best for you and you may very well have gotten yourself into a horrible situation. Thats what it seems to me. This house is still so lonely without you here. My new boyfriend is living with me now but I wish you would return! I don't want this James to find out who you really are and potentially murder you yourself. You being hurt is my main concern but Im also concerned about the Sullivans. I don't want them to pay with their lives either. I cannot begin to comprehend what must be going through your mind and soul right now. The fear and uncertainty you must be facing. I wish you will let me come get you. Your an adult though and I can't control your actions but right now you are all I am thinking about! Leena PLEASE stay in touch! If you can't call then keep writing! You don't know how fearful I am right now! Just know that your sister loves you and cares about you! My tears won't stop for you Leena Klammer...take care and PLEASE be careful! Know that I am ALWAYS here for you! PLEASE come back to Estonia!"

Your sister,

-Syrah Klammer

I knew Syrah would be upset by the news up what she wrote was pretty much exactly what I had expected from her. At least she cared. I knew the Sullivans cared as well but they were pawns in my little chess game. Reading her words as the computer glare shined in my face almost wanted me to heed her words and go home. I yearned to just be with her again especially with what was now going on. I knew I had to see my mission through though and remained determined to face this new challenege - this "James Sullivan". Her words were kind of comforting in a strange way but I knew I could handle this. So I hopes anyways. I am a woman of constant uncertainty. I could have used a glass of wine right at that moment. Make it a whole bottle! I sat for awhile looking at porn on the computer. There wasn't much else I could do. I had to keep my mind off of what was going on downstairs. Of that man - that monster who brutalized and humiliated my womanhood. I figured I would reply to Syrah later on once James was gone. I was under too much stress with him under the same roof as me. Just too much to really find the words I wanted for her. I do tend to isolate myself once a problem emerges and secluding myself in my room was my way of avoiding the problem.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! I became startled and jumped in my seat at the excessively loud knock emanating from my door. I quickly closed the Internet window containing the porn website and turned around to face who I thought would be Paul. The door opened and I was met by James! "Oh shit fucking...FUCK!" I thought. Without thinking I simply brightened up with a smile which was met by a compassionate smile from him in return. "What the hell does he want?" I thought. "Hello Esther. I just figured I would say goodbye to you before I head out." I still was hoping against every hope that I remained undercover. I meant wearing jeans and a sweater I figured was enough. I breated softly and slowly to control my heart rate from raging out of control. "Well, drive safely" I told him. "Are you coming back again?" I asked in my sweet little Estonian voice. I should have disguised my voice to some degree but it was too late at this point. "Why yes I will" he said warmly. "Tomorrow in fact and for probably most of this week" he replied. This problem just seemed to be getting bigger on me! He walked over to me and I tensed up but kept my smile. I had to stay the adorable little Esther.

He bent over and whispered into my left ear as I sat in the computer chair. "I have something very special I want to share with you when I come over tomorrow!" he whispered. His voice was still sweet but this new revelation struck an ominous chord with me. "And what will that be?" I said pretending to be as excited as could be. Almost as if I would be receiving some sort of gift. "Oh now that is going to be a really BIG surprise for you tomorrow and I don't want to spoil it" he told me. "Well if it's a surprise then I guess I'll wait til tomorrow" were the only words I could successful manage. By now I was both confused and scared again. "You take care Esther and behave for your parents" he said before exiting the room. "Uh huh" was all that escaped my lips as he slowly closed the door behind him while he just kept smiling all the way. I wondered what this "surprise" could be. Surely if he realized I was Leena Klammer I think he would have at least confronted me by now. IS THAT THE SURPRISE? At the time I just couldn't know but I convinced myself that he had simply bought a gift for his new "niece". A bicycle? A book? A doll? I didn't give two shits as long as I stayed in the clear. I just kept telling myself that I was still okay. That the situation was still under control. MY CONTROL! Still, I could not shake the fear of what he meant. He didn't seem imposing or ominous in anyway as if he might know my secret and try to be instilling fear into me. No, that just didn't seem it. He talked to me in the gentle manner most any adult will speak to a child. Especially to a little girl.

"Just a child's gift" I muttered. "And nothing more!" I did manage to convince myself of this that day. I stayed upstairs until an hour or so had passed and Rebecca returned. I immedietely hurried downstairs upon her arrival and hugger her as hard as I could. For some reason again she just sort of reminded my of my sister. Not in appearance but I guess just in the compassion and attention she always wanted to shower on me. Maybe I hugged her just to release any lingering fears from my mind. She laughed and warmly embraced me ever so tightly. "Your such a little ball of energy arn't you Esther?" she joked. "I'm just glad to have the best big sister I have been waiting for so long for.". That's right, just stroke the girl's ego! "Oh! Why thank you. I wish my boyfriend would say as many nice things to me as you do." The whole family talked to me like this. In that very specific way one talks to a child. To me I felt like I was being talked down to. It was truly insulting to my intelligence. I said nice things again simply to stroke the family's egos and reinforce my own sense of "innocence" they had towards me. I wondered if James felt the same way. Was I still just a poor little innocent little orphan to him or was I the mentally ill and murderous prostitute from those long gone days? I kept trying to suppress the fear simply to the best of my ability. I was glad I was remaining so well composed.

"Did you get to spend time with our uncle today?" she asked. She stared down at me as I released my hug. "Yes, he even came upstairs and I talked to him" I said. Paul was on the couch and joined the conversation. "Well you can see him all this week Esther. He'll be here when you girls get home from school tomorrow." He simply stated what I already knew. "Yes, daddy. He told me so. I'm very happy for that." I said. I wanted to resume where I left off before James came over the day before. I sat down next to my "daddy" and cuddled up underneath a warm blanket on the couch. I just wanted to be next to somebody. "Your daddy's little girl my sugar cube!" he told me softly. "I know daddy and I'm proud to be." I watched the mindless babble on the television as I let him body warmth and his strong embrace bring me all the comfort I needed to soothe a troubled and worried soul. I wished it had stayed this way yesterday and that fuck face never showed himself around here. I would be able to enjoy this moment all the more easily. I found myself along with Paul dozing in and out of sleep. I finally feel asleep with my head on his lap. He must have done the same. I just wished that when I woke up that this whole nightmare would be over and I would find myself in total peace and happiness with Paul Sullivan. I wanted him and this house all to myself. I was sure I would be over to overcome this and any other obstacles and that this time around things WERE going to be different than they had been with the family back in Estonia...Would it? WOULD IT? I just hoped that tomorrow after school had nothing in store for me. WOULD IT?

**In Chapter 17, James approaches Esther with his surprise! Leena is convinced it is only a child's gift. Is it something this simple? Is Leena working herself up for no reason at all? Does she truly have anything to worry about from this man? Thanks for reading and for your continued feedback and PM's. You guys are the fuel and the motivation that keeps this series going!**


	17. Revelations Revealed

**In Chapter 16, Leena's fear and worry grow even greater with the revelation that "Uncle James" has a "gift" he wants to share with her. More than even she remains uncertain about her future...**

Time marched on as I sat in class on Monday. I reverted back to dressing as "Esther". The school day was nearly over but needless to say it had felt like an absolute eternity. I had gotten little sleep last night and I found it virtually impossible to concentrate on the day's activities. My mind was only focused on what James' "gift" was all about exactly. Yesterday I had managed to convince myself that it would be little more than a doll or some other thing an adult would bestow upon a child. My mind wanted to believe this but my heart was telling me otherwise. I feel like I had absolutely no control over the situation. As I sat in the back of the class I stared at the clock on the wall at the front of the room. School would be over in less then 10 minutes and I would be forced to face my abuser yet again. At least I hoped that wasn't the case. Maybe he got caught up in something and would be unable to make it. This was Science class and Mrs. Weitzel and whatever she was lecturing on I completely ignored. "Grades" were the absolute last of my worries today. The fear lingered like a disease in the pit of my stomach.

I watched the second hand on the clock glide along. It may as well have been a Doomsday Clock to me! Class finally wrapped up for the day. "Remember to study tonight for Wednesday's quiz" Mrs. Weitzel barked. The shrill sound of the buzzer indicated that another school day had passed. I slung the heavy bookbag over my shoulder and made my way out. Mrs. Weitzel stopped me. "Esther, may I speak with you for a minute?" she said insistenetly. "Yes Mrs. Weitzel. Is there a problem" I asked. She sighed slightly and waited a minute for the last of the students to empty the classroom. "Esther, I've noticed these past few days that you haven't really been paying close attention to the lessons. Is everything alright?" she asked concerned. I created a lie on the spot to explain my behavior. "I'm just feeling a bit sick this past week or so" I told her. "I promise I'll pay more attention." Mrs. Weitzel looked concerned. "How is everything at home Esther? Are you adjusting to everything okay still?" she asked. "Oh, everything at home is swell" I told her. Of course obviously nothing could be further from the truth. "Are you sure?" She continued to probe me. "I'm positive Mrs. Weitzel. Everything is going well." She sighed once more.

"Well Esther I'll take your word for it but you can see why I was concerned there. If you have any problems please don't be afraid to talk to me about them, okay?" I nodded in understanding. "Well in that case you have a nice day Esther" she said sweetly. "And you as well" I chirped with a smile before exiting the classroom. For once I was actually scared to leave school. As I walked down the crowded hallways my smile instantly faded. These children were going home today to play with their friends, do their homework, eat dinner, and live the carefree lives that most children live. I was going home to who knows what. So many of these children were smiling and laughing. I almost felt like I had come from a different planet. I was so out of place and all because of James! My heart filled with dread as I exited the building and saw Veronica's SUV. It might as well be a hearse! She stared out the window and waved. I waved back trying my best to be the good little daughter that she alwasy wanted. The warm Spring air filled my lungs. Some of the trees were starting to bloom. All of little comfort to me though.

I skipped up to "mommie's" car and took my perch in the back seat. "Hi honey! How was your day today?" she asked cheerfully. "Not much different than any other" I told her politely. "Well Uncle James is back at the house so you can see him again today" she said. "Lucky me" I told her. "Yeah, lucky me" I thought. The street was flooded with children frolicking home from another day's studies. All of them were having a better day than I was. Like Mrs. Weitzel, Veronica seemed to sense that something was wrong with me. "Is everything okay sweetheart? You seem tense" she said before pulling the vehicle out. "Yes mommy. I just didn't sleep well last night" Veronica seemed understanding. "Well you did look very tired this morning" she reasoned. "I just need some sleep mommy then I'll be okay" I tried rationalizing to her. As we pulled away from the building I continued watching the children. I yearned to be as carefree as they were. No troubles. No worries. No problems. What was I to do now? I had now fallen into a deeper depression but I did my best to cover up my true feelings. No use getting anybody suspicious now is there? I played with my hair and tried to shake the feeling of dread as we made the relatively short drive back to the farmhouse.

I seen James car parked out front as we made our way up the long driveway. I just felt like crying and breaking down right then and there. "It's probably just a doll or something Leena" I thought. "Nothing major. Why are you working yourself up like this? You'll be fine." My attempts to calm myself were useless. I had felt this way for days now. Why is it that just when things seem to be going right for me that I have to be struck down with the worst of luck? We slowly pulled up and parked. I clutched onto my bookbag tightly as Veronica stepped out of the vehicle. I was frozen. "Are you coming?" she said. "Esther? Esther!" she exclaimed. I was sudden shaken out of my fearful daydreaming. "Sorry mommy" I said calmly as I stepped out into the open. I closed the door behind me and stayed close to Veronica as we made out way inside. The bookbag felt like a boulder but I continued to ruminate over the bigger burden that I was carrying on my shoulders. I held my head up high as I greeted Uncle James and the rest of the "family". My attention was totally focused on James. He didn't seem in any way out of character today. He didn't seem to be scheming. I was doing my best to read his mannerisms and body language. I did NOT want to talk to him and I was more than a little glad that Paul was not trying to coerce me into talking with James like he had over the weekend.

I decided I wasn't going to hide outside like I had done for two days before. I was simply going to retreat to my room like I always did in order to escape that which I could not control. "Mommy, I'm going to get my homework and studying out of the way. I have alot tonight so I'll be in my room." I explained to her in the kitchen. Her and Rebecca had started to do the dishes. "Wow!" she teased. "If only we could get Rebecca to do her homework like that." Veronica laughed. "Hey, I get almost straight A's" Rebecca retorted jokingly. I looked over my shoulder still eyeing James. "Dinner will be at five dear. I'll call you down" said Veronica. I nodded and trotted off to my room without causing a scene. "When the hell is he going home?" I thought to myself. I gave one last parting gaze towards James before retreating to the relative safety and comfort of my room. I just hoped this home wouldn't become my tomb! I sat at my computer desk and tried to start my homework. Anything to keep my mind on something else. So long as I was doing something productive I felt somewhat calm. Still, who knew what I am was in store for? Would I receive this "gift" today? I still tried to convince myself that my identity was safe but I knew otherwise. I knew James was already plotting against me from the moment he once again laid eyes on me.

I usually found finishing 3rd Grade homework to be a piece of cake as an adult but much like in class I simply could not get myself to focus. At least one other person besides Syrah and I knew Leena Klammer was now in Maine and he was sitting downstairs! How WAS I supposed to be able to focus? I was glad though that I had not gone into a full blown panic/anxiety attack. I suffered from these all the time while at Saarne. I noticed some storm clouds moving into the area as I stared out the window. I never felt so lonely since escaping from the Saarne Institute. If Syrah was here everything would be okay. I still was holding onto the fading idea that I was safe. An hour passed then an hour and a half. I had all but given up trying to finish my homework. I now sat at the vanity and just stared at my reflection. I found it all too ironic that the make-up, the dresses, the tights, the shoes, the ribbons. The very things I wore to conceal who I really was could possibly have become the seeds on my downfall. And sure enough...

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

I gulped. I hurried back over to the computer desk and pretended to be hard at work with my Math assignment. This may very well be the moment but better now then later I supposed. "Yes? Who is it? I'm busy with my homework right now!" I went on. The door opened and I was frightened by the sight of James. Just like yesterday he caught me off guard while I was alone in my room. I suddenly wanted to kick myself in the ass! How could I be so stupid? Being alone in my room only made me more vulnerable. Whatever was about to happen I had to show no signs of fear. I had to be brave both for myself and for my future in this household. "Why, hello Uncle James" I said shyly. I was going to play the "shy girl" card in the hopes that he would leave as quickly as possible. "Well now how is my newest little niece doing today?" he said with his hands folded in front of him. "I didn't sleep too good. I'm just trying to get my homework done before dinner so I can go to sleep." I gulped. My heart began to race once more. Just let him leave! I just wanted him out of this house once and for all so I could go on with my plan. "We all have nights like that" he said. His voice was low and deep. I could remember that voice in a crowd of thousands! It brought back every bad memory from my days as a prostitute. His tall six foot frame stood over me. He seemed so imposing like he was some sort of monument.

There was a moment of very awkward silence. I didn't know what he was going to do or say and I was caught in a moment of not knowing what to say or do myself. "Well, I came up here to see you because I did promise you a gift. Do you remember that?" he said. It seemed he was cutting right to the chase. "You wait right here" he told me before briefly exiting the room. There was a small oak table in the hallway outside of my room. Apparently he had left his "gift" there. He came back with a grin. Was it a grin of happiness for his "niece"? Or was it something far more sinister? "This is for you dear" he said with his hands extended. He had materialized what appeared to be a small box wrapped in red gift wrap with a green bow on the top. It looked much like a Christmas gift. "You shouldn't have Uncle James. Thank you!" I exclaimed. By this time I felt like I was going to have a stroke or something! My nerves were now pushed to their limit. I knew I was at a crossroads where I absolutely didn't want to be at.

I took the little package into my small hands. "Go ahead an open it darling" he said. There was a hint of genuine excitement in his voice. My mind was numb with fear and anticipation. I was hoping that my negative instincts would be proven dead wrong. Hopefully this was something mundane. I removed the green bow and slowly unwrapped the gift wrap. I let it fall to the floor. It was a plain cardboard box with no markings or any other indications as to what lie inside. "Look inside" he said with the same hint of excitement. It took every effort to try to stop my hands from shaking but try as I might they still trembled with fear. Whether he noticed this or not did not matter to me. Not now! I opened the box and noticed there was a piece of printing paper folded into a square. "It's something I found on the Internet" he said. "But it's all for you!" he continued. "What in fuck's name does he mean?" I thought. I looked deeply into his eyes searching for any clues that may determine my fate. I wanted this man dead more than anybody. I removed the piece of folded paper and with horrid anticipation I unfolded the paper.

I nearly fainted! My facade instantly vanished as I literally fell out of my computer chair and landed hard on the ground on my ass. The air felt like it had been sucked out of my lungs by a vacuum. What was the paper? An Internet print-out of an online news article in Estonian about my escape from the Saarne Institute. HE KNEW! THE BASTARD FUCKING KNEW! I should have stayed calm and played dumb but the very nature of my behavior told James that I knew exactly what this meant and what he knew. He backed up with an evil smile and stood in the doorway effectively blocking my route of escape. My instincts were correct! Suddenly I subconciously knew I had to retain character. "Oh! Sorry for falling Uncle James! I'm so clumsy!" I stuttered. My heart knew this moment was coming but heart did everything it could to deny it! He suddenly become more terse. "You can cut the crap Leena! The game is up!" he said in a low but obviously angry voice. He had now become very demanding. "Wha, What?" I stuttered. "What the fuck out of all places are you doing in my brother's house" he demanded. He suddenly closed my bedroom door behind him and locked it. Now I was truly trapped! Like a mouse in the cage of a snake I was now totally defenseless. Surely he wouldn't physically attack me. Everybody was downstairs for fuck's sake!

I still tried to play innocent. "What do you mean Uncle James? What is this gift?" I said innocently and shyly. My mind knew I was already caught but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to crack but I think my mannerisms had already betrayed me. With me saying that he suddenly lifted me up angrily by the arm and he pushed me onto my bed. I let out a slight screech. "If you try anything I'll scream" I said as the tears began to flow. "Looks like you haven't changed a bit have you Leena Klammer? Don't play fucking stupid with me. The minute I first seen you here I knew who you were. I've been thinking for days about this moment. About what I would do. Surely you remember our last encounter?" I knew I should have listened to myself and fled the house before this moment. I should have returned to Syrah. I SHOULD HAVE! Now this demon from my past I now had to confront. I covered my mouth and closed my eyes and sobbed. The cover was officially blown and apparently had been. He took another piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. "Take a good look" he said menacingly as he held it out in front of him. Between the stinging tears that had flooded my eyes I could see it was the same article except in English. It too was a print-out.

"So you escaped Saarne huh?" he said while looking at the paper. "And now out of a million families who could have adopted you wound up here. Oh, Paul and Veronica told me everything. How they fell in love with you in the Russian orphanage and your whole little cover story. Very cute. It's just too bad your luck has run out!" he said with a slight laugh. "Why? Why does this have to happen to me?" I said out loud to myself. He responded. "I almost wanted to laugh out loud when I first saw you hear but I guess it's a small world after all. That you and I have to meet under such circumstance again." He approached me and I backed up on the bed. He took a seat and took out a pack of cigarettes. He flipped the pack over and over in his hands. He played with the pack as he measured his words. I sat up against the wall curled up into a tight ball. I peeked out at him as I covered myself with my blanket. "Trying to seduce another father figure again?" he said. "Well guess what whore. It isn't going to work!" I bit down on the blanket as I sat there covered up. "Are you listening bitch?" he snapped. "Just leave me the hell alone James! I'm not hurting you or anyone." I said in a broken voice. All I could do was cry my poor little heart out as I was forced to face the hard facts. I could not find the words needed to deal with this situation.

"Look at you Leena." he said softly. He stroked my hair and I pulled myself away from his touch. "You look pretty enough to fuck!" he said sickly. I was repulsed by what he said! "What do you want from me?" I asked. There was just no point in pretending anymore. If I was going to survive this ordeal I had to deal with it head-on. "I'll be damned if I let you hurt my brother and his family. I know all about what you did to that family in Estonia and Leena I'm not intending on having a repeat. Do you understand me you dime store skank?" he said angrily. I suddenly felt the confidence to snap back. "Go fuck yourself James! You beat me half to death and I'm supposed to just let you abuse me again." I snarled. "Abuse you? How about tricking my brother into adopting a woman in her thirties. You stupid bitch considering all that you have done in your life you are the abuser!" he retorted. I wanted to scream at him at the top of my lungs but I had to keep composure. I was now trembling more out of anger now than fear. "I didn't do anything wrong to you" I went on. "We fucked and that was it and you decided to beat me." The tears were drying up and I was feeling more than able to face James. I would NOT become a victim again!

"How is that slut of a sister or yours, what's her name, Sarah?" he teased cruelly. "Her name is Syrah and don't you dare insult her. You leave my sister out of this!" I hissed angrily. My eyes were now full of rage. I was angrier than he was. He walked over to one of the dolls sitting on my dresser and inspected them casually with his hands. "Oh such a small world Leena. All these years that have passed. I should have killed you in that dingy hotel room you know that? Then we wouldn't have to find ourselves in this position." he began whistling to himself. He was doing everything to demean me. "I guess your willing to do anything for a dick inside you ain't that right Leena? Isn't that while your here?" he snarled. "That's not it! Listen, what the HELL do you want?".He laughed slightly as he put one of the dolls back down. He approached me and lent over. I was completely repusled at this point.

The fear was tangible. The tension was real. My eyes went wide as he bent over. "What do I want?" he suddenly smiled wickedly. He ran his fingers through my black hair. "Don't you fucking touch me!" I said sharply. "Well, this cat has fangs doesn't she?" he laughed again. "Why don't we simply begin where we left off, shall we?" He suddenly put his hands on my shoulders and came in to try and kiss me. I pushed him back hard. "It isn't happening" I said under my breath. He laughed. "I guess when money isn't involved your just going to play hard to get arn't you?" he said. "Leena, I'm alone in town and don't have a woman. What do you say if I take you to a hotel this weekend and we can rock the bed like old times" he said. He sounded horny. "Veronica and Paul will let you go with me. We'll just be going to the park or something" he said wickedly. "You fucking asshole it isn't happening. I'll never give in to something like that. Just go the fuck home to Vermont or wherever and leave me the fuck alone. Leave us ALL alone!" I moved over to the other side of the bed and away from his grasp. He simply smiled at me.

He walked over to the other side of the head and I once again moved away from him. "Now neither of us would want Paul and Veronica and Rebecca to see a certain piece of paper now would we?" I instantly knew where he was going with this. "Sorry fucker but your not going to be blackmailing me into doing anything for you." He chuckled. "I'll give you til tomorrow to decide Leena. All I ask for is a few hours of fun while we're in town. You wouldn't stop moaning when I was in between your legs all those times before" he said slowly. "I can't believe this is fucking happening to me" I muttered under my breath. I shook my head in disbelief. "Just wake up Leena!" I told myself out loud. James just continued to taunt me. "Maybe you can give me that piece of ass you wouldn't give me before. Now you have a reason not to say no!" My rage was starting to eat me up.

"GET...THE FUCK...OUT OF MY ROOM!" I said loudly. Of course not loud enough for any of the family to hear. "You have a choice Leena. Play ball or I'm showing the family this print-out. Simple as that bitch!" He once again pulled the English version from out of his pocket and waved in tauntingly in front of me. I tried to lunge for it but he quickly pulled his arm back. "Has your picture and everything. You look like a deer caught in headlights in this hospital photo." I was on fours on the edge of the bed as I reached out pathetically for the print-out. He folded it back up and put it in his pocket once more. "I see your on all fours already. Good girl! I want to make sure your in that position again this weekend!" he taunted. "They'll never believe you you sadist. It's just a fucking piece of paper. THEY'LL NEVER BELIEVE YOU!" James had an answer for me though. "Oh, is that what you think? Then why are you so desperate to have it then? You know damn well they'll have the cops on your ass in a heartbeat and it looks like little poor old Leena Klammer will be back at the mental hospital again. IS THAT what you want?" he taunted.

"You think your going to fucking intimidate me but I won't let any of it happen. You think your going to fuck me you don't know who your screwing with!" I responded. He could hear the anger and frustration that was in my voice. "Oh, I'll be screwing with you. Hopefully this Saturday." he teased. "And where one of those ridiculous dresses you have on like you used to do. I think you look hot dressed the way you do" I squinted my eyes and shook my head in disgust. With all the courage I could muster I stood up and confronted him. "Oh, what's little Lenna going to do now that her big secret is out?" he said.

"The fact your even breathing right now after what you did to me is a miracle James. You think six or seven years later that my anger has gone away. I want to cut your throat more than ever!" I snapped back. "And I promise if you do tell the Sullivans that YOU WILL DIE!" I threatened. "Your just full of threats arn't you? I could leave this house right now and get the number for the Saarne Institute and tell them right where you are!" I had no words. I was absolutely and totally frustrated! Underneath the tough exterior I was trying to put on I now had something ever more terrifying to worry about! "Maybe I can find where your sister lives and give her a taste of the shaft!" He knew absolutely how to get under my skin. "YOU! YOU BASTARD! YOU TOTAL FUCK! YOU LEAVE SYRAH ALONE! YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! DO YOU HEAR ME?" I came almost toe to toe with him but he just pushed me back. "Give me some space Leena. We'll have plenty of time to get close over the weekend, don't you think?" I was sick of his smart ass remarks. "Just shut the fuck up with your shit already because I'm telling you it isn't happening!" I said assertively. "You have alot of confidence in standing up to me Leena. I guess I can admire that. But the choice is yours. Your secret is safe with me. All you have to do is give me some action in the bed for a few hours at my hotel and I'll be heading back home. That and you promise not to hurt my brother or his family. I know how violent you are Leena. My offer only has these two stipulations. Just a few hours Leena and just promise not to hurt them. You can seduce Paul all you want but I want you more than ever!"

I just stood there awkwardly. He truly had me trapped in a situation now. "Why don't we kiss on it Leena? Maybe French kiss?" He approached me but I grabbed a sharpened pencil from off of my computer desk and backed up quickly. I held it out defensively. "Whoa! Hold your horses Leena! I just want to light your fire for this Saturday! I know Paul and Veronica will let you go with me!" My eyes grew wide with rage. "You stay the FUCK back you hear me you sick son of a bitch!" I wasn't afraid to stab him if he became forcefully aggressive. "Have it your way for today honey. The decision is all yours. Keep that in mind while you try to sleep tonight. In fact, I'll give you all the way until Saturday to decide. That is five days from today Leena. Jsut give me some ass and some pussy and this whole thing will just disappear." He seemed turned on by the prospect of a few hours with me. He continued to push my buttons. "Trust me Leena. You'll love every minute of it! Every thrust! Every kiss! Just like old times." I repeated what I had told him before. "Not fucking happening. Go find somebody the fuck else!" I responded. I threw the pencil at him in total disgust.

Suddenly and without any form of warning he pulled out a switchblade knife and pointed the thing menacingly at me. "Bitch don't even start with that violence shit, If you want to play that kind of ball game I'm more than ready. You better play ball or else your in deep shit!" he growled. He didn't approach me but I showed no fear. "I could slice your throat bitch and dump you in the woods so don't even try attacking me!" he went on. "You ain't getting shit from me so you might as well put your cute little knife back. You don't know violence!" I said in anger. He laughed off my statement. "Sorry dwarf. Your threats fall on deaf ears" he teased. "I'm giving you til Saturday. So think long and hard. I'm not asking all that much when you think about it. Hell, I might even throw a few dollars your way. Either that or the cats coming out of the bag to everybody else do you understand? So we make ourselves clear?" He sounded like a fucking drill sargeant. He was absolutely demanding in his tone of voice. "You can keep fucking dreaming because they won't believe you. It's just a fucking piece of paper." I screached back. "You can believe whatever you want Leena but the proof is in my pocket" He slapped his jeans pocket for empthasis. "I think I'll be going now. I'm not making an idle threat Leena. I don't like you and you don't like me so I might as well take advantage of the terrible situation your in while I'm in town." he laughed again. "Oh no! Your fucking wrong if you think I'm going to let you exploit me again. Just drop the fucking subject James and get the fuck out of my room before I scream!" I retorted back. I was not having anymore of this! "I bid you farewell then Leena. But trust me I will be back this weekend. I have nothing but time on my hands." With that he casually stepped out of my room and shut the door. I heard his voice one final time through the door before he walked away. "Your future here is on the line bitch. Think about it! Think about everything I've said!" And with that I heard him quietly walk away.

I wasn't about to break down into tears. It wasn't sorrow that was now filling my heart and soul. It was nothing but pure rage. The shock of having been found out had surprisingly worn off. I knew deep down inside that this confrontation was going to happen. There was certainly nothing I really could have to stop it short of killing the bastard but of course such an opportunity never arose. I wanted to off this son of a bitch in the most violent way possible. I only wish I knew where he was staying. I would find a way to get him! The hospital photo does not even really look like me I reasoned. With all the perfect make-up and so on and so forth I might as well be a completely different person. It would be easy enough to simply sleep with him and get it all over with but out of shear pride I was not going to let that happen in any way, shape, or form. I doubt the Sullivans would believe him. I mean how the fuck would he even approach them with such a revelation? To them the idea that I was some escaped adult mental patient would be nothing short of insane (no pun intended). Even with his offer fresh in my mind I was convinced he could never pull it off. He might know my secret and try to blackmail me but this was the perfect excuse to finish him off once and for all. Not to mention the fact of the past physical abuse I suffered at his hands. I lied down on the bed and thought to myself. Tonight was sure to be sleepless. If I didn't do what he said he WOULD show them the article. Even though I believed they wouldn't buy his story even with such proof I picked up the Estonian version of the article that he had left in the room and read it. Sure enough along with the story of my escape there was plenty written of how I tricked the family back in Estonia into adopting me.

This made me shiver. The Sullivans might become extremely suspicious if they realized an adult with a hormone disorder was able to trick a family into adopting her. Then the story he would weave would not sound so hard to believe. Still, such suspicion would certainly have to be deflected from me. My thoughts were racing endlessly at this point. I was now beginning to feel the fear once again. Maybe the card he was trying to play wasn't so ridiculous for the Sullivan family to believe after all. I decided to leave me sister in the dark about this latest development. At least for the time being. I had three choices. First, I could find someway in hell to murder this motherfucker. Second, I could just sleep with him and he'll be gone or lastly I could resist and my secrey would potentially be revealed. The logical part of my brain told me to simply sleep with him. I fucked him other times before. Just give in to what he wants and that will be that. My pride was still standing in the way though. I couldn't allow myself to feed his sexual appetite. Right then and there I became resolute in my decision. I was going to stand firm on my ground and resist him no matter what. To give in to him would be to allow myself to be used and abused yet again. Still, I was willing to do about anything to keep my identity secret. I wanted Paul so bad and didn't want James ruining my plans. Now I was becoming confused as to what part of my heart and soul to listen to. I was slowing beginning to make war with myself.

I kept switching back and forth about what manner would be best to handle this situation. Either swallow my pride and comply or hold my ground. Now I was no longer so resolute. I had days to decide though. "Just give myself a few days to sleep on this. Leena you'll come up with the right choice but not now. Try and relax. Everything is going to be okay in the end." I told myself. I was desperately trying to convince myself that I had total control of this situation but my heart knew better. Certainly the choice was mine to make but I was being forced to make this choice. I wondered if he might even try to kill me if I refuse. The thought of being knifed to death with a switchblade entered my mind. How ironic that would be considering I used the same method to off the family in Estonia not to mention Samantha.

If I slept with him he would have me entirely in his control. Would he kill me then? Would he try to attack me? Would he even kidnap me? The thoughts were running at a hundred miles a minute. There were so many questions and issues to sort out in order to make the right decision. I wasn't willing to compromise with my pride and ego though. I realized that this might be my ultimate downfall in this situation. There was time to sort it out though. Suddenly I heard Veronica call me downstairs. "Honey, supper is ready!" she said pleasantly. My heart and soul and ego were all at war with one another now. As I trudged my way out of my room I could only think of the fate that might await me come this weekend. A fate unknown surely awaited me and for that I had to prepare for...

**In Chapter 18, Saturday quickly arrives and James comes around once more. Leena is then forced to make a painful and life-altering decision. Swallow her pride and go off with James and potentially risk her very life or risk losing everything even if she is confident that the Sullivans will never believe him...Thank you kindly as always for reading and for all of the continuous feedback!**


	18. Creating The Rift

**In Chapter 17 it is finally revealed that "Uncle James" gift is the fact that he does indeed know the truth behind Esther's true identity. He produces a news article that proves it. He tries to blackmail her into having sex with him and when she refuses he gives her a week to decide or else he will show the family the evidence and her plans and her life will possibly be forever ruined. She is confident nobody will believe him and finally decides for sure to stand up to him and in the meantime she tries to drive a rift between Paul and Veronica...**

"Esther, is everything okay? Your haven't touched your dinner yet?" said a concerned Veronica. It was Friday night and 4 days had passed since I found out what James in fact knew all along. I played with my food which was unusual considering the very good table manners I tended to keep. I had been highly upset all week. For the most part I ignored Veronica. In fact I was planning on causing friction between her and Paul had I not had James to deal with. "I just don't have much of an appetite mommy." I told her. The meatloaf grew cold on my plate. The baby peas sat pathetically next to them. I sipped my soda as my sad eyes grew downcast onto the cold meal.

"You've been this way all week" said Paul softly. "Are you sick?" he asked concerned. I shook my head. "No daddy. Nothing is wrong. Maybe it's just all the school work I have. It's overwhelming at times. School was easier in Europe." I told him. "Well maybe we should consider getting you a tutor" he said matter of factly. "I'm not struggling daddy. I'll be alright I think." I struggled to make a smile. I had only until tomorrow until James returned. I knew he would make good on his promise not only on returning but of blowing my secret. I was still convinced that nobody would believe him. Even with an article and a disheveled photo of an "older" me I thought it would be nothing short of impossible. It would be his plans that would be laid to waste and I certainly had no intention of sleeping with him as some sort of sick bribe for him to keep silent on the matter. These last few days had given me ample time to think about it. Part of me just wanted to fuck him and get it over with. He looked enough like his brother Paul. I could pretend it was him. As I thought about it though my pride always got the better of me. NOBODY took advantage of Leena Klammer no matter what and this would be no exception to that rule!

I picked up the fork and slowly began eating my food. Rebecca casually watched me as she finished her own meal. "Delicious as always mom" she declared before getting up and giving each of her parents a kiss. Ah, the ideal image of the "perfect" family unit. "You don't have to finish your food if you don't want to. I can make something else" said Veronica. "Thank you mommy" I passed her my plate still loaded with food. Paul seemed a little ticked about the waste of food but he didn't bother to say anything. "May I please be excused?" I asked. Paul and Veronica permitted me to do so in unison. I went to go sit down in the living room where I at least felt somewhat safe. Rebecca approached me as I took a seat on the couch and sat next to me. She was my shadow at times and it was getting annoying for a girl her age to be tailing me like she did. Of course I wasn't going to be one to say anything. She was completely normal in her mannerisms. The TV was off but for Spring it was still cold later in the day so the fire was lit in the fireplace. I could hear the never-ending ticking of the grandfather clock by the door. They were ticking down the very hours, minutes, seconds until James returned. She rubbed my head hard which annoyed me. "Wanna go to the store with me real quick. I gotta pick up some milk" she offered sweetly. "I guess so sister." I replied sadly. The ever-present smile on Rebecca's face quickly faded. She could tell probably even better than her parents that there was something indeed troubling me badly. They kept asking me and I would either simply continue to deny that anything was wrong or I would come up with some mundane excuse on the spot. I did my best to keep a straight face and a happy persona but I knew that tomorrow was going to go my way. As I walked to the closet and grabbed my coat I looked in Rebecca's eyes. She stared into mine briefly as if she were searching for the problem that was eating away at me. The very problem that was corroding my soul like an acid.

I slipped the coat gingerly over my small body and followed Rebecca out the door. It wasn't too cold outside so Rebecca went without one. Her little red Corolla sat in the driveway. The birds had retunred north for the Spring and I watched briefly as a large flock of them flew by in the distance. A part of me wished I could be like them. To fly away from my problems here back to Estonia. Despite the beauty of the fading Sun the natural beauty of the outdoors did so very little to comfort me. Sometimes when I was really disturbed at nighttime I would go sleep with Paul and Veronica. This was simply a chance for me to snuggle with my "daddy" and I think tonight was going to be one of those nights. Despite my sadness I still felt confident that the Sullivans would never believe James. Maybe James was perhaps bluffing all together. Maybe it was just a way for him to get between my legs one more time before he left the state and went back home. Maybe he was just trying to scare me. My heart knew better though. Rebecca and I got in the car and pulled out down the long and barren driveway. I watched the wooden country fence that ran down either side of the whole length of the driveway as we breezed by. Paul was too beautiful and caring to risk losing over some bullshit. As we drove the few miles to the store Rebecca turned the radio all the way down and began to talk to me. She was very concerned for my well-being.

"Esther, what the heck is the matter? You've been depressed for like weeks now. Come on sis, talk to me." she said. She placed an arm around my shoulder trying to get me to open up to her. A part of me wanted to cry out to her. To ANYBODY! I wanted so badly to tell her everything that was troubling my poor heart. I wanted to open the floodgates to my very soul and let her in on who I really was and what I had to endure in my 32 years. That part of me was ever-deafened though. "Is it that you miss your real sister Sarah?" she said. Like James she screwed up on her name. This could be the perfect excuse. "Her name is Syrah, Rebecca" I corrected. "To be honest yes. I cry alot sometimes because I do miss her. We don't talk too much now that I'm here." That was lie. We talked constantly online. I did miss my sister but I wasn't crying about it. I knew I would see her again. "Your lonely?" she went on. "Sometimes...but that is why I have a new family though. You and your parents have done alot to help me out and I'll always be happy about that." I told her. This brought a warm smile to her face as she turned to me briefly. If only she knew I wanted to kill her mother and fuck her father. What would she say to me then? I'm sure she wouldn't be smiling! "Well, just talk to us about your problems. No offense but sometimes you stay quiet alot. Dad has always told me that it is never a good thing to keep things inside like that. Always try and talk to one of us especially me. I love to listen to my little sister." she said. As usual I did my best to stroke her ego just like I did with her parents. "You are a very good listener" I told her. "Thank you sugarcube" she said. "Fuck, now she's calling me that" I thought. "Still, why did you tell mom and dad that nothing is wrong when they asked you at dinner?" I shrugged. "Just wasn't something I wanted to bring up while we're eating. It's just good manners." I said. "True" she said. "Still, you know how mom and dad worry about the two of us so don't leave them in the dark like that." she said. I nodded slowly in quiet agreement.

We pulled into the parking lot of a brightly lit conveniance store and we stepped out. The Sun had just about descended over the horizon for another day. I knew that whatever happened tomorrow that I would do my damnest to make sure it would not be the last I would witness in the Sullivan household. We walked into the conveniance store. Rebecca went off to fetch a gallon of milk and whatever the hell else she wanted to buy. I walked down the candy aisle and as I was looking at the different candy bars I looked over to my right to see another familiar face. It was Linda! The girl who attacked me after Samantha's murder. I hadn't seen her since that day! She suddenly noticed me. I felt like taking out my rage on her right there in the store. "You little bitch!" I hissed at her. She became wide eyed and frozen. She was even more shocked to see me than I was to see her! She looked like a deer caught in headlight or some shit. I approached her quickly and she backed off. I continued approaching her in a menacing manner. She knew I wasn't fucking around. With a shrill scream she ran past me as I tried to grab her and fled the store! I actually laughed out loud! I didn't intend to hurt her there of course but I struck fear into her and that was what mannered. At least I had one little victory for today! The female cashier seemed confused by the girl's sudden departure. Rebecca approached me with her milk. "What was that girl's problem?" she asked. I couldn't help but laugh a little to her. "Beats me" I said. I looked out the glass doors but she had fled. Nobody was going to fuck with me anymore...it didn't matter if you were a 9-year old girl or a grown man. Intimidating Linda gave me some level of confidence. I would need every ounce tomorrow for when I faced James. It would literally be a battle of wills. Rebecca and I exited the store and I noticed Linda about 15 feet away. She had tied her bike to a post and she was now struggling feriously to get it lose. I gave her an evil stare as she noticed me yet again. That little bitch probably pissed herself...I'll never know. I knew she would ride home in a hurry. I quickly brushed her off though. She should have considered herself among the very lucky few who have fucked with Leena Klammer and lived to tell about it! I was surprised I let her slide the way I did...

Rebecca and I returned home. She talked on the phone with one of her friends the whole ride. Until she gets me into a fucking accident! Girls her age just aggravate the shit out of me. I stood tall as I walked in the door. James was nowhere to be seen at least for tonight. "Wait for me Esther" whined Rebecca. I waited by the door as she finished up her conversation. "Wait right there" she said before walking out of sight alongside the house. "It's fucking cold out here" I said under my breath. Suddenly Rebecca came around the corner with a garden hose and tried chasing me with it. "NO!" I screamed out loud as she tried to soak me down. I was faster than her and she ran out of hose and tripped over herself. I laughed out loud at this sight. She tried spraying me once more but I ran into the house through the back door and out of her reach. She didn't manage to get me wet at all. She ran in after me. She was a true jokester. "Hey, HEY! No running" yelled Veronica. "I'm still dry" I teased. At least I could enjoy a little humor today. "I'll get you next time" she said and tried to chase me upstairs. "What did I say?" yelled Veronica again. "Listen to your mother" said Paul from the couch. Rebecca stopped halfway up the stairs and went back downstairs. As usual I retreated to the comfort of my bedroom. The only place in the world where I truly had any sort of privacy (except with maybe the bathroom). Had she gotten me wet my make-up could have run. My computer was still on from yesterday and I sat down to receive a message from Syrah. I didn't bother with that "social networking" horse shit. I just used the Internet to watch porn and talk to Syrah. Sure enough she had an email for me. I still have a copy of that email too among all my papers. I always printed out her emails to read again and again. I am copying it into this journal even though I have it. Never know when I may lose it! It reads...

Leena,

How are you doing? Spring is in the air here in Estonia. Getting warm outside and I'm going to plant the flowers again out back. I'm still with my boyfriend Johann but things are getting rough in our relationship. It's you who I worry about every day and night. I just hope everybody stays safe and you adjust as well as possible to your current situation. Things here are more or less boring without you. I really miss hearing your voice and just being around you. Still no word from any authorities here back home but I have noticed cop cars parked outside now and then. I think they watch the house from time to time to really be sure you are not here. I think you would be safe if you ever came back home. I passed the Saarne Institute while driving today and it really fills me with anger that they restrained and abused you there. I try not to look at it when I pass it on the way to the grocery store. Try and call me sometime will you? I love you more than life itself.

Your sister,

-Syrah Klammer

I have a detailed record of all of our correspondence. So I have my reply to her as well...

Syrah,

I'm doing as best I can under the circumstances. The children at school have pretty much stopped teasing me but I'm not there to make friends anyway. I'm glad things are looking up for you still back in the home country. There has been alot going on in my life right now but I don't want to get into the details right at this moment. Some things are best saved for later I suppose. Believe me Syrah there is a big part of me that misses you to death and just wants to go home at times. I do get scared at times. Scared I'll get caught. Scared that things just won't work out for me. I will say this much. I am in a situation right now where I can think there is some possibility that that may happen. Please, I am not trying to scare you but if worse comes to worse I'll come back to Estonia. I still have all the money you gave me and Paul and Veronice give me spending money all of the time. I can afford a ticket home should I need to but I'll do everything in my power to make sure things go right. That things go my way. We both know how easily life can turn on a dime for us. I want so badly to be with Paul. I want to be his heart and soul and for him to be mine. I'm not even sure how to go about it now. I'm just taking things day to day here in America. You know I'm an intelligent adult and that I can make things work for me. I will not allow myself to be caught like last time should this whole situation go awry. I'm glad I have a wonderful sister like you who cares about me so much. I have Rebecca here as my "new sister" but trust me she is no substitute for you. Take care Syrah. I love you!

With Love,

-Leena Klammer (Esther Sullivan)

With that being said I printed out our latest correspondence and hid it between the matresses of my bed where my Saarne Institute issued Bible also rested. Reading her correspondence to me when I was down and out helped lift me up once again. I needed all the emotional support I could lay my hands on. Something told me that everything would be okay this time 24 hours from now. I wanted so much to believe in this. I felt alone even with Rebecca trying to cheer me up and listen to me. Tomorrow was nothing short of a total and complete mystery to me but it was apparently in my power to control how it went. Without a doubt I knew I would remain strong in standing up against James tomorrow. Saturday would not be my last day here and I was determined and empowered in that resolve. I haven't seen this man in years and all of a sudden he thinks he can just enter my life again and take control of me like that? I bet he was buying a box of condoms and some KY Jelly even as I wrote my sister. I bet he was thinking about how I was thinking. I bet he was sure that I would cave in to his demands. That I would fold like a piece of paper. I almost couldn't wait to say NO! Who the fuck is going to believe a damn computer print-out? I decided to go back downstairs to be around Rebecca. At least being around the Sullivans would keep my mind off of tomorrow but I suddenly began thinking of way to drive a wedge between Paul and Veronica. I knew that in order to seperate them I had to cause as much friction as possible. I would deal with tomorrow with full confience and courage in my decision. Even with tomorrow drawing so close though I decided to cause some tension. I figured that even if James did show them the print-out if I caused some sort of rift between Paul and Veronica I somehow thought maybe they would believe him less. I know this sounds strange but that is how my mind was working at the time.

I went over to my dresser where I keep my underwear and tights and opened it up. Before I left Syrah's I stole one of her bras. I did it as a soft of sexual thing to remind me of her and yes I was still highly attracted to her. It was a red one. I inhaled the sweet scent and came up with an idea to cause some tension in the household. I sneaked out of my room with Syrah's bra bunched up in my hand. Using caution I walked down the hall and made my way into Paul and Veronica's room. I was going to get Veronica on Paul's ass for sure! I took the bra and put it under the bed only I made sure about half of it was sticking out from underneath. That way hopefully Veronica would find it before Paul did. I knew I would be victorious tomorrow and tonight I was going to have some fun at the Sullivan's expense that would benefit my quest for romance with Paul. Veronica often came upstairs every night before Paul to read books. This was usually around eight at night. It was time for my wicked side to take over! Fuck James! I knew how to deal with him now. Causing a fight between Paul and Veronica would also relieve some of the frustration I was feeling about everything right now. I went back downstairs and watched TV like any "child" would after dinner. It was actually around seven when Kate made her trip upstairs. She smiled at Rebecca and I as she made her way up the steps. Paul was lying on the other couch as we watched some nature show that Rebecca had turned on. Despite what was about to happen tomorrow I was about to be cheered up! Within no more than two minutes after she went upstairs I heard what I had hoped for.

"PAUL SULLIVAN! YOU SON OF A BITCH! HOW COULD YOU! THIS ISN'T ONE OF MY BRAS! WHAT IS THIS?" Paul was dozing off and was suddenly startled by the loud screaming. He suddenly jolted awake and sat upright as Veronica stormed down the stairs. She didn't even seem to care that Rebecca and I were right there. The prize fight was about to begin much to my delight! She threw the bra into his face and smacked him forcefully across the face. "You fucker! How could you do this to me? Explain this! Huh? What in fuck's name is this? WHAT WOMAN DID YOU HAVE OVER HERE!" she screeched. "Honey, what are you talking about" he moaned. With that she slapped him yet again. Rebecca grabbed on to me as if she didn't want me to see this. For the first time since my arrival there would be a fight. Perhaps I was choosing a bad time to do this considering what was to occur tomorrow but I am an impulsive person. I wanted so bad to start laughing. Rebecca was shocked and became teary eyed. It seems she never seen her parents fight like this before. Veronica continued to push the bra into his face and finally it fell into his hands. He stared down at it confused before receiving yet another smack wide across the face. "I don't understand!" he yelled in his defense. "Don't play fucking stupid with me Paul! This isn't one of my fucking bras and it sure isn't Rebeccas. You better start fucking talking RIGHT NOW you cheating BASTARD!" Oh, what fun I was having watching this. I did my best to look disturbed and frightened by the whole situation. I swear I should get a fucking Emmy for all the acting I have to do! She slapped him yet again and he leaned away from her as she tried to hit him yet again. "Stop it Veronica! Stop hitting me!" he screamed. "MOM!" yelled a startled Rebecca. She got off the couch and tried to pull her mother off of him. Veronica pushed her away. "You and Esther GO UPSTAIRS NOW!" she screamed. I never heard so much cursing coming from one person as she berated her husband.

"YOU CHEATED! THE PROOF IF HERE ASSHOLE! WHO THE FUCK WERE YOUR SCREWING WITH!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. I smiled broadly as Rebecca took me by the hand and led me upstairs as I hurried behind her. "He cheated on mom" she said out loud to herself. She had a tone of pure disbelief in her voice. I was hoping this tone was what I was going to here from the Sullivans should James show them the "evidence" he possessed. I heard glass break as the two began screaming at each other. The usually happy Veronica was the more forceful of the two as the accusations began to fly. I stopped at the top of the stairs and never tried so hard to start laughing. Even with tomorrow right around the corner I was already putting my plans into motion. "I SWEAR VERONICA I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" screamed Paul in total disbelief. I stood there for a moment and listened before Rebecca gently grabbed my arm. "Honey, maybe it's best we go to our rooms. You can come sit with me in my room if you want" she offered. I felt such glee that I could drive this rift between them. I stood up straight and turned around to face Rebecca. I put on a sad and concered face. "Have mommy and daddy ever fought like this before?" I asked sadly, staring up into her eyes. She sighed. I could tell that was a "No". With that she led me into her room and closed the door behind her. I sat on the bed covered by a pink blanket. I kept up the act. I knew tomorrow that mother fucker wasn't going to do shit to me! Tonight was just the beginning as far as I was concerned. "Everything will be alright" said Rebecca. "He really did cheat like that?" she questioned herself. Her father obviously was a man who had a great deal of integrity with many people. The shouting emanated through the bedroom walls as they went back and forth. Veronica was fierce alright and like James she was a worthy opponent! I was growing still more confident about both tomorrow and about what was going on downstairs.

The fight reminded me of how Syrah told me our real parents fought. I heard another glass break and Paul scream out loud apparently in pain. I'm assuming she struck him with the glass. "LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" she shouted. The swearing intensified as Rebecca cradled me in her arms. She rocked me back and forth in her arms and gave me a little kiss on the head in reassurance. "Oh no! Are mommy and daddy going to get a divorce now?" I said worried. "It'll be fine. No...I...I don't know Esther" she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

I could only wonder about the fights Syrah must have seen. I was too young to remember any of them but they were epic. Now I know what she was talking about! I never caused such a fight with the family back in Estonia that I eventually murdered. After a few minutes of non-stop screaming I heard Veronica storm up the steps in a fury. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!" she hollered. Her throat sounded soar. I almost wanted to go in there and give her a cough drop just to be a smart ass! Rebecca sniffled. I had never seen Rebecca like this before and I had to admit I did almost feel sorry for her...ALMOST! Veronica slammed her bedroom door so hard it caused a picture of her boyfriend to fall over on her dresser. If I could get past tomorrow (which at the time I was now confidant that I could) and just keep causing these sort of problems for Paul and Veronica I had the strong feeling that this just might work the second time around! She was probably researching a divorce lawyer at that very moment but it was Veronica I wanted to hurt and not Paul. My ultimate goal was to see her packing and this was the first step in that. Syrah knew that despite my sisterly promises to her that I would be up to absolutely no good here in America. Maybe one of them would even call James and tell him not to come over tomorrow considering what had just transpired. They would surely be in no state to be willing to accept a visitor tomorrow even if it was a family member. Or so I hoped at least. Rebecca was now sobbing gently. She was a more sensitive soul than I had previously thought. Within a few minutes Paul mustered the courage and came slowly upstairs. "Veronica! Veronica! Come on honey, lets talk about this!" We could easily hear his voice through the door. He must have been so bewildered by that bra! "GO...THE HELL...AWAY...YOU CHEATING DOG!" she screeched like a banshee. "YOU SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS TONIGHT!" she finished. After a brief moment of hesitation I heard Paul walk past Rebecca's room and down the stairs. Looks like he was sleeping in the DOG HOUSE tonight! "Are you alright Rebecca?" I asked as I stood up from the bed.

Rebecca wiped the tears away. "Things will be fine. I'm just not used to this Esther." She sniffled some more. Her eyes were red from the crying. "Will you be okay here? I know alot has gone on but I'm going to go take a shower" I told her. She nodded. "Just try to stay out of mom and dad's way tonight" she insisted. I nodded and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Your such a sugarcube!" she said before embracing me. "Tonight would have been alot harder without you" she continued. I returned the hug and actually welcomed her warm embrace. It gave me more of the comfort I would need to hopefully get a good night's sleep tonight. "I'm going to go to bed then after my shower" I told her. "Very well. I'll see you in the morning then. I love you Esther." she said very softly. "I love you to Rebecca. Have a nice night" I blew her a kiss and she smiled and returned it as she sat there. I left her room and closed the door softly behind me. I went into my bedroom and fetched my make-up kit as I needed to re-apply my make-up after every shower. I also took one of my long white nightgowns with me. I went into the bathroom as the house had fallen quiet once more. I decided I would sleep with Paul tonight to try and calm his nerves. I undressed completely and placed my clothing in the hamper. I stared in the mirror and smiled to myself. "James is bluffing" I said out loud. I was now entertaining the idea entirely that he wouldn't even bother showing his face tomorrow. Oh no! Not with what had happened just now. All hell had broken lose it seemed in the Sullivan household.

The gauze came off exposing my breasts and I stepped into the hot shower. The water poured through my hair as I thought about my life in general. I certainly wanted to take personal inventory on myself. The steam filled the small room as I thought bout how to outsmart James tomorrow. I thought about even killing him if I could lure him into the woods or something. That seemed like a great idea! I should just eliminate this fukcer entirely and get on with my life! I smiled to myself and chuckled. Taking down a girl my same size was no problem for me but James was a grown man at least a foot taller than me. If I just stabbed him in the gut or something I could then cut his throat and take the same route I took with Samantha. He was a strong man though and of course I learned that first-hand when he beat me senseless back in Estonia. I so desperately wanted revenge! Perhaps fate had brought him to me for that very reason. Perhaps he was to suffer death at my hands after all. I was quick to take my shower and then dry myself off. I re-wrapped the gauze around my chest and slipped the nightgown over my body. For the better part of the next hour I had to reapply my make-up. It was the same routine every night. Just as I was about to finish up I heard a slight knocking on the door. "Esther are you still in there? I have to use the bathroom." said Rebecca. "Just a moment" I replied. I opened the door and passed her before we wished each other good night.

Rather than go to my room I went downstairs where Paul was lying on the couch again under a blanket. He was obviously deeply troubled by what had happened just a short while earlier. He glanced over and noticed me. Without a word I lied down next to him on the couch. There was barely enough room for the two of us. "You want to bundle up with me?" he asked quietly. "Certainly daddy. Is everything going to be alright with you and mommy?" I asked. "I don't know my sugarcube. I swear I didn't do nothing wrong!" His voice was shaky. "Oh daddy I know you would never do anything to hurt mommy like that" I said trying to soothe his nerves. "I just don't understand" he went on. I pulled part of the blanket over me and placed one of the cushions under my head. "I guess it's just one of those things" I rationalized to him. "I know you wouldn't cheat with another woman like that" I told him. "Your too young to be talking about mommy and daddy things like that" he responded. "Well in any case I hope things get better" I said softly. The fireplace roared as we lied there. "I hope so too honey." I went right for the obvious question I wanted an answer to. "Is Uncle James still coming over tomorrow? I mean with what happened and everything" I held my breath waiting for an answer. "I don't know. We'll see" was his only response. I sighed. I wished I had an answer. I cooed as I snuggled up next to my man hunk. I was determined to steal him from Veronica no matter what the cost.

"If you want to sleep down here with me I'm fine with that" he said. "Good" I replied as I closed my eyes and put my arms around him. I wished we could just make love right then and there. "In that case, goodnight daddy" I said with a kiss. "Good night sugarcube" I was so sick of that nickname! Veronica must have been fuming upstairs by this time and I feel like I had put the first nail in the proverbial coffin. I just had to take it slowly and carefully making sure that no suspicion came my way. James was now the only obstacle now but my new-found confidence remained high. I would move Heaven and Earth to fulfill my dreams under this roof and he would just be another piece of shit for me to throw away like yesterday's garbage! My thoughts went back to Veronica. If only she knew her husband was truly in the arms of a 32-year old woman at that very moment! I knew she wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. I just hoped everything would go off as planned without any more distractions or obstacles like fuck-nut James to get in my way. It would be many months I reasoned to truly win Paul's heart for my own. Part of me wanted to fuck him so badly that night and I just wanted to ride his pogo stick right into the morning light! He was falling asleep and so was I. I had to get my sleep for tomorrow's "confrontation" for lack of a better word. I felt like I had truly accomplished something that was working in my favor tonight so I couldn't help but feel a little proud about myself. Tomorrow would be yet another victory for Leena Klammer. I knew it and I hoped for the absolute best outcome. James being a grown man or not Leena Klammer would live on in this household and eventually get what she desires...at ANY cost!...

**In Chapter 19, Leena finally is forced to confront James one final time. Will he tell her secret? Will the Sullivans believe him? Or will she lure his away and murder him? Will she come out on top at the end of the day?...Thanks as always for reading and for the much-appreciated feedback...you people are great!**


	19. Shattered Dreams

**In Chapter 18, Leena becomes more confident in her looming confrontation with James. With this new-found confidence she decided to drive a wedge between Paul and Veronica by planting one of Syrah's bras in their bedroom which causes accusations and chaos in the household. Now she must finally confront James one last time but will she succeed?...**

"Ow! Not so hard!" I whined as Rebecca brushed my hair as I sat in front on my mirror. "Stupid bitch" I thought to myself. It was Saturday morning. Mid-morning in fact. Rebecca had just informed me that James had called and was on his way. I was surprised that I slept relatively well the night before. Perhaps being in the strong arms of Paul was what lulled me into my slumber. Today I had a date with destiny and I was determined to play my cards right! This time things were certainly going to be different and I remained calm and collected as Rebecca brushed. "I'm sorry Esther" she said. "If you hadn't wore your hair in curls at the ends it would be alot easier to brush" she added. I looked at myself in the mirror as I sat in my room. Rebecca was sunny as usual and unaware of what was about to go down. I was already dressed. I wore a black dress. I was not sure why I choose a black dress. Maybe subconciously I knew I was doomed and that was why I had picked the color. Oh no! I couldn't slip back into that way of thinking again especially with James on his way for sure. I was hoping that the fight I had provoked last night would result in him being told that it would be a "bad day" to come over or some shit like that. I had to admit that although I was confident that did not mean I wasn't nervous or anxious. Saturday had come so fast and now James would be upon me with certainty.

Rebecca and I had not yet brought up the topic of "mommy and daddy" and their fight the night before. Perhaps she didn't want to upset me and I simply had James on my mind but I decided to say something about it. "Rebecca? Are mommy and daddy okay today?" I asked sadly. "Dad tried to talk to mom but she really isn't talking to him. I can't believe he cheated on her. It just out of character for him but maybe I just didn't know he could be like that" she explained. When I woke up that morning Paul was gone and I couldn't find Veronica. I think they probably went outside to argue and to spare Rebecca and I the sights and sounds of another free-for-all between the two of them. Sure enough I wasn't awoken by any fighting. The house remained quiet as I prepared myself for what was about to come my way. Rebecca went through her routine trying her best to be careful not to pull my whole damn scalp out. She was ditzy in some ways. I stared in the mirror at the false reflection of a little girl. I may not have been able to fool James but I had every inkling in my mind that his best laid-out plans would simply not work in his favor today. That is if he wasn't just bluffing and playing me for a fool just to get between my legs. I actually was able to manage a genuine smile as Rebecca finished up. I was so proud of myself for successfully causing the drama between Paul and Veronica. I deserved a pat on the back for my efforts. Rebecca finished up by tying my hair on either side. "Your all done now" said Rebecca. I sat up slowly from my chair and stood on my toes to give her a kiss on the cheek. I had to play cute to everyone after all. "I guess I'll fix myself breakfast. I don't think mommy will be in the mood" I told her. "I think it might be a good idea to stay out of mom and dad's way today, Esther" she replied. "I don't know exactly how things are going to go between them today. Lets just hope for the best." I nodded in agreement at her statement. "I don't like them fighting" I said sweetly. "I don't want mommy to hit daddy again" I added. Rebecca sighed.

I looked down at my feet. "I mean...what if mommy and daddy got divorced and then we got separated from each other?" I asked sadly. "That is NOT going to happen honey!" said a surprised Rebecca. I don't think that thought had come to her mind yet. "Whatever happens I don't want you to get involved between the two of them" she told me sternly. "I don't want any of us to make things worse" I stared back up into her eyes and she seemed on the verge of tears again but I guess she did her best to stay strong for me as much as for herself. "Should we even go downstairs then?" I asked. Rebecca nodded. "But don't bring up the fight with them!" she said. I felt compelled to pick up my Bible and take it with me for some unknown reason. I already had a picture of Paul secreted away inside. It certainly gave me something to pleasure myself to late in the lonely nights! The 500 Euros my sister gave me along with about 100 dollars in U.S. currency were also stashed in this Bible. I walked out of the bedroom but as I did so Rebecca stopped me one more time. "And remember to stay clear of them if they fight anymore, okay?" Like an understanding child I nodded slowly and promised to do so but inside I badly wanted to see them go at it. It would be like watching a prize fight. I was so thrilled by what I had done. I was sure this was what was giving me alot of the confidence I would need this morning. I walked slowly down the stairs. Emptiness. You could hear a pin drop. I wondered where the two of them were. Did they go somewhere remote where they could work things out or better yet fight some more? Was James even coming after all? There were always plenty of questions in my mind. I know Rebecca must have been asking herself the same questions as she made her way behind me. I was stopped on the landing as I assessed the situation. I became lost in my mind for a moment. "Honey, are you going?" Rebecca asked before I regained myself with a slight start and made my way into the living room. Honestly, I wasn't going to eat. Not until I faced James down. While Rebecca went out the back door looking for her parents I made my way into the kitchen anyways. I was not there to make myself breakfast though. Just as I did with Samantha before I slowly opened the drawer holding the knives and carefully removed a steak knife with a good 6-inch serated blade. I smiled wickedly at the blade and bolted back upstairs and proceeded to hide the weapon under my pillow. If push truly did come to shove today I would try to find a way to off the asshole.

I honeslty hoped I didn't have to kill James today. Of course this wasn't because I gave a rat's ass about him but how exactly was a small woman like me even going to dispose of a large man such as James and cover everything up in the sort of environment I was in. I mean it wasn't like I could just stab him in the house or even outside. Who knows? Maybe I would be able to do what I did to Samantha and lure him into the woods? That idea sounded the best. Still, I was absolutely convinced that there was not an ice cube's chance in hell that the Sullivans were going to believe his fucking piece of paper. They could never accept the idea that there 9-year old daughter was a 32-year old mass-murdering mental patient. I ran this thought through my mind for days now and was convinced by it's truthfulness. I smiled at myself in the mirror and nodded proudly to myself before heading back downstairs. I walked back into the kitchen and looked out the window. Sure enough I seen Paul. He was talking to his daughter while he placed a large and what appeared to be a full container of gasoline down next to the back of the house. I could not hear them or read their lips to discern just what exactly they were talking about but from their body language and gestures I was guessing the conversation was about last night's argument for sure. There was still no sign of Veronica. It would be oh so funny if she ran off to some filthy hotel and called a divorce lawyer. After all, it was April and I sure would love to have Paul all to myself as a wonderful Birthday gift!

I knew instinctively that Veronica was a gentle and sensitive soul and that she was nothing shore of emotionally compromised and devastated at that very moment. I headed to the living room and took my seat on the couch I had woken up on. I didn't mean to hurt Paul but this pain was necessary if I were to ever truly drive him and his wife apart for good. As soon as James was successfully out of the way I could focus on keeping all the cards in my deck. I was going to ruin this family at any cost to me or to anyone else! I came to the realization that James was still on his way. Paul and Rebecca did not return inside as I sat there with my hands folded in my lap. I could hear the clock ticking. The fireplace crackling as usual. The same boring sounds. The TV was on but muted.

I felt alive and ready. Without any warning though I heard a car pull up. I hurridly hopped off the couch and peered through the blinds of the front window. It was Veronica but rather than looking pissed off to high hell like I expected her to be she seemed very concerned for some reason. Something was clearly wrong with her but I simply assumed to it to be the stress she was enduring with having her husband "cheat" on her. Where she had gone I did not know. I relaxed and retreated as she came inside. She didn't even seem to notice or acknowledge me as she breezed by. "PAUL?" she yelled as if simply trying to get his intention. "PAUL? WHERE ARE YOU?" There was somewhat of a sense of urgency in her voice. I raised my voice to answer her. "He is outside in the back with Rebecca mommy" I explained. She gave me a glance and went to the back door. She had to still have been absolutely pissed at him in every way but she obviously had something to say to him. "Paul, come inside for a moment." she told him.

Her voice was condenscending. She still hadn't let him off the hook in the least bit. I was hoping things would stay that way until I could strike once again. He stamped inside. "What is it Veronica I'm getting ready to fix the lawnmower" he pleaded. I watched the two of them interact and neither one of them were comfortable in each other's presence. That seemed very obvious. Paul was shifting from one leg to the other. Surely he must have thought he was about to be screamed at once again as he backed up a foot or so from her. I was about to be startled by what I was about to hear. "Paul...James called me on my cell phone and said he needs to talk to us about something extremely urgent and important as soon as he gets here." Paul seemed perplexed. "About what?" he asked. "I don't know. He said he'll be here within a few minutes. I just got off the phone with him before I pulled into the driveway." she told him. Paul went right to the point as she walked away from him. "I'm sorry about last night honey." he extended his arms up on either side in emphasis. "This is all just a huge misunderstanding" he pleaded. Veronica extended her hand at him in obvious disgust. She still did not want to speak of it. He was as guilty as sin as far as she was concerned.

Was James going to explain the article to them without even trying to illicit sex from me? I knew James could only be referring to my "secret". The horrible truth I held back from the entire world. I knew he was now very serious if she received a call from him. I knew I was now edging closer to the moment of truth. Every second. Every minute. The Sullivans still didn't know what James was talking about. I waited on the couch as I heard Veronica angrily toss her keys and cell phone on the granite countertop in the kitchen. It was burning down to the wire now. I decided to walk out the front door. I was going to be the first to confront him today before he said another fucking word to the Sullivans. The birds chirped happily as I waited. I stuck out with my dark black dress. Maybe this represented the Grim Reaper. Maybe I would be James' "Grim Reaper". The person who would drag him down into death's very bowels. Maybe that was why I subconciously choose to wear such a strange dress. Sure enough within minutes just as he promised to Veronica he came barreling up the driveway. I put my Bible down at my feet and clenched my hands in anger as he quickly was upon me. He slowly parked him vehicle next to the Sullivan's vehicles and stepped out. A cigarette dangled from his lips as he closed the door. He clearly must have seen me as he made his way up the long driveway. He smiled like a smartass as he casually and somewhat slowly approached me. My body wanted me to back up but I knew I had to stand tall in front of this threat that had so rudely decided to interrupt my entire life. "Well, well, well" were the first words out of his mouth. He removed the spent cigarette and flicked it into the front yard. I squinted angrily at him. I wanted him to know just how absolutely repulsed I was by every atom of his being. I shook my head in anger as I continued to clench my fists in a fit of mental rage.

"You worthless sack of dog shit!" I muttered to him in my thick accent. He laughed slightly as he continued to smile. I was disturbed at how closely he resembled James. He was so casually dressed for his encountered with me like he was about to go see a ball game. "Black...nice choice of color Leena...considering what may very well happen to you today." he told me. He looked into the house as if to make sure nobody was there and grabbed me hard by the arm and dragged me off to the side and away from the door and the windows. I struggled against him as he released his grasp. I almost fell to the ground but managed to keep my balance against such a powerful man. "I can tell you still know how to treat a woman like an animal" I snarled. "Oh please now Leena. Let's not get into what happened in the past. Now neither of us can change that" he said cockily. I wished I could knock his fucking teeth down his throat right at that very moment. The rage boiled like hot water within my soul. I continued clinching my fists defensively at my sides. "You might as well haul ass out of here right now James you sick fucker. Don't even bother asking me if I'm going to sleep with you because it still isn't happening." I said in a low yet enraged voice. I was trying my very hardest to suppress my burning rage. That rage was no longer just an ember. It was now a fire that was spreading out of control. He raised his eyebrows and flexed his head from side to side. "Well...no sugar for daddy?" he asked. His voice was filled with cocky self-confidence. He surely felt that today he would absolutely dominate me. He must have felt he was in complete control of me and was just batting me around like a cat would do with a dead mouse. "LEAVE NOW!" I hissed. He laughed slyly once again. "Whoa! The bitch has fangs!" he said sarcastically. "They won't believe you. They'll NEVER believe you!" I scolded. "Then let us just cut to the chase then and find out for ourselves then, shall we?" he said before walking towards the door. Without thinking about it I ran instinctively towards the door and tried to block him. "Leena, everything is still in your hands." He gently put his hand under my chin and caressed my jaw. I reared away in disgust. "It's up to you Leena. Take a ride in my lap today or it's back to the nut house for you!" he remarked sharply. He pulled out the English version of the article again and waved it teasingly at me. I tried to lunge at it but he held it high over his head. I jumped to get my hands on it. I stopped before he secured it in his back pocket. "It's not going to happen! You nearly killed me before but your not taking any advantage of me! It's not happening here! NOT here and NOT now!" I replied with my own brand of self-confidence.

"Oh! You think I'm just full of shit? That this man is only bluffing?" he went on. "Bitch, you either submit or your through, do you understand you cheap whore? LAST chance!" he said softly but very authoritatively. I remained standing in front of him but I had already agreed to myself that under no circumstances would I stand down from my position. "I don't give a fuck what you say! I KNOW they won't believe you and a little fucking phone call or piece of paper isn't enough to scare me so go ahead and do your worst you fuckfaced woman beater!" I rattled back. "Oh, woman beater? At least I'm not a child killer!" he snapped back with quick wit. "Then stand aside" he told me. "Make me fucker!" I hissed. With that he pushed me harshly to the side opposite of the door and I fell hard on my ass. He turned to me menacingly as I looked up at him in my anger. "You can give me any look you want Leena. All you had to do was give me one afternoon. That was it but have it your way. Look at you. Lying down on the ground like the dog you are" he scowled. "That's exactly where you belong Leena." I could only give him two more parting words as I struggled to regain my lost composure. "FUCK YOU!" I yelled. I let myself slip up but I wasn't even concerned at the moment if anybody else had heard me. He gave one last malicious glance before ringing the doorbell. I stood up just before Veronica answered the door. They greeted each other warmly as he stepped inside. Veronica noticed me for a second but I felt like staying outside. "Is everything okay Esther?" she asked. "Why are you out here?" As usual I had an excuse on the spot. "Just needed some fresh air. Too nice to be inside I suppose" I told her. "This is the last day Uncle James is going to be here. Don't you want to spend time with him one last time?" I gave her the answer she wanted and nodded. "In a little bit I'll come inside mommy...please" I gazed into her eyes. She seemed to have calmed down and I was wondering if she really knew whether or not I was troubled in my heart. She let out a long exhale. "Just don't take too long. It's disrespectful." she corrected me. With that she returned inside and the door squeaked close behind her.

Despite my optimism for the day I couldn't help but notice the heavy lump in my throat. I knew now without a doubt that he would reveal the article to them and do his absolute damnest to convince them of who I really was. I still could not believe that this family could be related to this man in any way, shape, or form. It all seemed like a surreal dream that was now drawing to it's inevitable conclusion. Apparently neither James or Veronica noticed my Bible laying haphazardly near the door and I went to retrieve it. As I bent over to pick it up I slowly inched my way over to the front window where I could get a clear view of James and the Sullivans. "Stay strong for yourself Leena" I told myself aloud. "Don't break down on me now!" The two men were already seated as Veronica and Rebecca brought in some drinks. This gesture sort of showed me that things between Veronica and Paul might already have begun to be patched up. My only real focus was on James. My attention was completely diverted to him. I could not hear anything as I knelt down and spied on the four of them. The hourglass on me had finally run out and the moment had arrived as I seen the concern grow on the faces of the Sullivan family. I was trying like hell to read lips but I found it impossible. That was no exactly one of my talents. James stood up and my hearat nearly jumped out of my chest as he pulled the folded article out of his back pants pocket. What exactly had he just said to them? They didn't seem alarmed but only concerned. James was making different hand gestures as he handed Paul the article. How the fuck exactly was he even going to explain where he found the article at? How in fuck's name did he even intend to tell them? I was sweating. Confident or not any person would be scared to death in a situation like the one I was now in. This very moment that would help make me or possibly completely shatter my dreams once and for all. I was absolutely sure even then that the latter would not pan out. No, not this time around! My breath condensed on the glass and I wiped it away as I continued to observe the spectacle that was unfolding before me. I gulped and gulped again and again.

I'm absolutely positive of course that James would not explain that he had sex with me as a prostitute. I'm sure he was trying to spin some web of lies that would work somehow in his immediate favor. I watched as Paul screamed something out loud as he looked at the paper. James kept apparently explaining everything as a concerned Rebecca and Veronica covered their mouths in collective shock. I did read Rebecca's lip. "It can't be true" she shouted. I could make that out. Paul slapped the piece of paper in his hands over and over again in an obvious display of anger. But anger towards what? At this point my heart was racing faster than it had even when I realized James knew who I was to begin with. Was he pissed at James for accusing me of being something they could never believe I truly was? Did Paul believe him? James was obviously faking extreme concern as he continued to rattle off to the family. Veronica suddenly stood up in complete distress and pulled at her hair as she began sobbing hysterically. "OH NO! SHIT! NO! NO! THEY CAN'T BELIEVE IT! THEY'RE JUST MAD AT JAMES" I told myself. "THEY ARE...THEY ARE...THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THEY'RE JUST MAD AT HIM" I said loudly to myself. Any thoughts of this were quickly dismissed as Veronica suddenly screamed out loud. "IT'S HER! THE PICTURE IS OF HER PAUL!" she screamed. By this time Rebecca had fallen to her knees and her head was burried in her crossed arms that were placed on the living room table. Veronica soobed as bitterly as a person could cry as she cupped her hands over her mouth. Her shoulders moved up and down as she and her daughter wept. Suddenly Paul picked up one of the glass lamps that was sitting on one of the end tables and threw is across the room. His face was contorted with rage as he did so. It shattered on the floor near the landing of the stairs into an infinate number of fragments. At least point I knew it was over. I didn't take much to figure this out. I was too stunned and frightened to react. Too petrified to make even the slightest move.

Needless to say the tears of utter disbelief ran like a mighty river from my eyes. My heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces as I watched Paul...the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...turn against me! "CALL THE COPS! WHERE IS A CELL PHONE!" he screamed. "NO! NO! NOOOOO! NOOOOO!" I cried out as I fell over in stunned shock. I watched as Paul threw the paper away from him and tore at his hair in total frustration. "WHERE IS SHE?" he screamed. His malice and rage were absolutely terrifying and bone-chilling as I was only a few feet away from him and he didn't even realize it. They were screaming loud enough for me to clearly hear them now. James was trying to talk but they obviously were no longer listening. I got back up and clutched onto my Bible in the worst state of dread I had ever felt and I now knew for sure that I had lost the bet! Rebecca's hair was a matted mess as she cried out. "MOM...DAD...IT HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE. SHE'S ONLY A CHILD!" she screamed in desperation. I hoped to High Heaven that they would believe her! With a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart I figured she might be the one to talk some sense into them! Her tears flowed like water from a faucet and so were mine. I was fucking FINISHED! DONE! It was OVER! I FAILED!

I fell to my knees and then onto my hands as I cried out loud. My Bible dropped a few feet behind me. I knew Rebecca would be of no use. I looked up as my make-up began to run from the river of tears. My childhood facade literally melting off of my face. "WHERE IS SHE?" Paul shouted once more before violently kicking over the table. James stood in the background looking forelorn and concerned. "NO PAUL, CALL THE COPS! LET'S NOT GO AFTER HER!" Paul was violently freaking out before he shouted my name. "!" he screamed. With this I scrambled to my feet and without rationalizing or thinking I cried loudly as I ran behind the house. I suddenly tripped over myself and landed hard. I had no time to cry about what was now happening within the house. My very freedom and my very life and existence depended on what I had to do next...something I immedietely knew I HAD TO DO...and that was murder James along with the rest of the Sullivans. The proverbial cat was now out of the bag and there was simply no other way to save myself other than to sacrifice all of them! Paul had left his pack of cigarettes out back near the full tank of gasoline still laying next to the house. I heard the screams as I grabbed the pack of matches sitting on top of the cigarette back on the back steps. I knew they would be on the phone with the police in just a moment. With adrenaline coursing through my veins I picked up the heavy can of gasoline and immedietely ran to the back door and removed the tank's nozzle. I fumbled in haste as I continued crying.

I splashed the gasoline onto the back door and quickly ran to the front door while I lugged the 30 pound canister with both hand's in front of me. The adrenaline and the unbelievable panic had given me the strength I needed as I splashed the front door with gasoline. "NOOOOOOOO!" I cried out in disbelief! With that I fumbled with the matches and lit one. With that simple act I dropped the match onto the gas-covered door and it went up in flames. The flames started at the bottom and in an instant the entire door was engulfed in flames. I took the can of gas and poured it around the exterior of the stone structure. My muscles ached as I splashed gasoline on the windows as I made my way along side of the house. I poured a trail of gasoline the whole way which ignited.

I stopped for only the briefest of moments as the side of the house went up in a massive wall of flames. With my energy and stamina running thin I ran out back and poured the gasoline around the entire back of the structure and then to the other side. I dumped at least 4 or 5 gallons of gasoline and I ran in a hurry away from the house as it began to burn. With quick thinking I dropped the can of gasoline and used the bottom of my skirt to wipe off the fingerprints. I bit my lower lip as tears fell onto the metal can. I ran back a good 50 feet or so behind the house as the second story caught fire. I could here screaming emanating from within! There was no escape as the second story was so engulfed in flames in no more than a few moments. I had used so much gasoline that the initial fire spread very quickly and all of the wood that ornamented the inside led to the structure going up in a complete inferno more rapidly than normal. I stood up and suddenly my heartbreak turned into rage! I completely lost it and kicked the can of gasoline away from me as I screamed at the absolute top of my lungs in a primal and blood-curdling scream that could probably be heard a good distance away.

I collapsed back down onto my knees and tore at my hair. I ripped my hair bands out and threw them aside and tugged desperately and pathetically at my hair. I began swinging at the empty air. "FUCK! FUCK! FUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK! NOOOOOOOOOOO! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I screamed as loud as I could. My throat immedietely grew sore as I went into full breakdown mode. I punched the grounds with my fist and swung at nothing at all! The windows exploded due to the heat as the screams inside intensified. They were clearly screams of absolute agony. The Sullivans were surely dying at this very moment. I let out one last horrifying scream up into the sky before collapsing entirely. "!" I nearly fainted as my mind and body went in a deeper state of total shock. I was utterly defeated. "NO! NOT NOW! IT HAD TO BE A NIGHTMARE! COME ON LEENA! WAKE UP THIS INSTANT! SYRAH? AM I STILL IN YOUR BED? HOLD ME! THIS IS JUST A DREAM!" I muttered as my mind turned against me. I could plunge the depths of my soul for eternity but would never be able to render the words that could adequetely describe the mental agony I now found myself in. I cried loudly and without restraint. "Esther Sullivan" was dead and buried and the truth had come out. "YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST GAVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED!" I screeched. WHY did I stay so headstrong? WHY didn't I trust my instincts in the beginning? Had I done so I now know for sure that I would probably be Paul's new wife by now. I write here though in a Connecticut orphanage far away from both my sister and from Maine. I moaned in sorrowful desperation with the realization of the opportunity I had now lost forever. All that work! From escaping the Saarne Institute...to becoming Esther...to rotting away at an orphanage...to being harassed at school...to murdering Samantha...to the make-up...the dresses (which were now burning in the fire)...to fooling the Sullivans...

It was ALL gone...forever! ALL for nothing! A massive headache took hold as my entire little body tensed in utter frustration and defeat. When I woke up this morning I did not expect it to be my last day in the Sullivan household. Just the night before I cuddled with Paul and raised hell between him and his wife. Was fate and Providence itself truly against my futile efforts to find the loved I know to this day that I deserve? Who would hold me now on those lonely nights when I am scared and alone? Who would I ever love now? My life was over! It was nearly impossible to stand up but I managed to do so. The intense heat caused the windows on both floors to explode loudly into shards that rained down on the ground. The cries of the Sullivans grew weaker and weaker as the fire engulfed them entitely. It was a sight out of Hell itself! The entire structure was completely consumed as billows of smoke violently emanated into the Spring sky. Debris began to collapse as I ran to the front of the house. My Bible remained untouched and I quickly retrieved it. Everything I owned was being consumed by the flames but I was far more concerned about what I had lost in Paul Sullivan. I had just murdered the very man I felt destiny had brought to me. I felt such sorrow over this! This was a man any woman in the world would want and appreciate and now he was dead! Nobody had escaped from the blaze. All the exits and escape routes were ablaze. It was as if Hell itself had come from deep within the bowels of the very Earth itself to swallow up the Sullivans and their home.

The only victory for me today, if you even want to call it that, was that James was dead. He had paid in blood for fucking with Leena Klammer! I wasn't thinking in this way at the time though. Why would I? My heart was broken! I felt nobody, not even Syrah, could piece it back together again. I now stood in front of the house. The entire roof was on fire and the screams had no stopped completely. Their death was horrible yet short. The only person I was concerned about was Paul. Even if in his last moments he finally found out who I was I still loved him. I had to kill him though or else I would be paying a far greater price than what I was paying now! It was not a win-win for neither him nor myself. Everybody lost today. I did my best to stay on my feet. My black dress and white tights were smeared with dirt. My shoes were caked with mud. It was over! I always dwelled on the idea of how fast life can change in an instant. How true this was on this horrible Spring day! I wound not spend my birthday blowing out candles and spending time with Paul. What did life have in store for me now? One question suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks...

"Did any of them call the cops on ME!" It was now a very real concern. Despite having caused the fire as quickly as I did I had absolutely no answer to this question. I watched the fire in disbelief. I fell back down as my knees buckled. I simply lied on my side with my hair in utter disarray as the flames took full ownership of the household. I suddenly realized that the gasoline can was a piece of evidence and in an attempt to save my own ass I ran back around to the back and retrieved the empty canister. The sound of crashing wood was deafening as I ran out of the way just in time as a giant flaming timber landed just feet away from where I was standing. With absolute haste I ran off into the sparse woods that were out bag and once again tripped. This time I scraped my hands against the hard ground. The pain seered my hands as a rotted tree stump suddenly caught my attention. I hid the can behind the stump and decided to hide in the forests. If any of them did call the police they were now most definetely on their way to the scene. There was no chance in hell that I was going to allow myself to be re-captured by any authority! I would die first...I was not retunring to a cell or a straight-jacket over this shit! Without freedom my life was meaningless...and without Paul now...it was meaningless! "What should I do now? WHAT THE FUCK NOW!" was the ever-present thought now occupying my mind. Should I run back to Sryah in Estonia? Should I just run anywhere away from this disaster? I seemed to be frozen in space and time. I just decided that at that very moment that it would be wisest to stay in the forest for the time being. Despite my mental anguish and emotional distress I needed ample time to regather myself and think of a plan of action.

Within moments I heard sirens blaring in the distance. They grew louder as they quickly approached. I was at least 150 feet or so from the main house but still well within the Sullivan property. The fire continued to burn strong as two red fire trucks pulled onto the scene. One pulled up to about 40 feet away from the side of the house that was facing me and another stayed at the front of the house. Firemen in all their gear proceeded to scurry about and find the water line to attach their hoses to. I watched as they did so and within a few short moments a torrent of water was being directed onto the structural inferno that I had created. At least Paul was in Heaven now. Safe and sound and at peace. I watched for nearly twenty minutes as the firemen struggled against the massive and towering inferno.

I finally realized that no police were on the scene and I once again went against my better judgment and stepped slowly out from the safety of the woods. I reasoned that had the Sullivans called the police they would have been on the scene long ago to apprehend me. The only thing that could be worse than failing with my plan for Paul Sullivans was to be recaptured. The firemen began to win their battle with the flames as to my discontent I noticed two police squad cars join the scene. I figured this had to be standard procedure or something. I decided to make a decision at this point. A decision that at the time seemed to be incredibly risky but for one reason or another I would do it. I ran my hands furiously through my hair and made an absolute mess out of it. Next I rubbed some dirt on my face to make it look as if I had escaped from the fire in a hurry. I also did this as my make-up had began to run and the dirt I figured would cover any apparent age on my face. This decision was done without a whole lot of though on my part. I was too numb and too scared to think very straight.

I slowly emerged from the woods and began crying once again. I latched onto my Bible pathetically. I cried out loud with such intense sorrow. These tears were all too real. I hoped I would appear to simply be a child who had just lost her adopted family in this blaze. I hoped against hope that the police were not there searching for "Leena Klammer". I was about 60 or 50 feet away from the assembled authorities before one of the firefighters pointed at me and called for help. I continued to clutch my Bible to my chest as my lips quivered and the tears flowed. The fireman along with two police officers briskly ran over to me as I slowly approached. It was the end of the world to me. I cried hard as one of the officers immedietely scooped me up into his arms without a word. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck as he carried me over to one of the police vehicles. The fire was now under realtive control at this point. "MOMMY! DADDY! REBECCA!" I screamed out loud as he opened up the back door of his squad car and away from any danger. He gently put me in the back of the police cruiser as I continued to cry out for my "family". I realized now that the police did not know who I really was. The officer finally spoke to me. "Little girl...just wait back here, okay?" I didn't answer him but rocked back and forth as I sat there. I angrily tossed the Bible to my side. I watched as he got on his police radio outside but I had no idea what he was saying. I noticed conversation between some of the officers and the firemen. It wouldn't be long before they would discover the four bodies inside.

"THEY'RE INSIDE!" I screamed. The officer returned. "Little girl...my name is Officer Daniels...whats your name?" he asked. He seemed to instinctively know that the family was now dead. I slowly turned my head and looked up at the stapping man. "Esther...Sull...Sullivan" I said between my pained tears. I wiped them from my eyes with the cuff of my sleeve. "I ran away from the fire...MOMMY!...DADDY!" I suddenly screamed. Ihe officer suddenly leaned over to hug me. "ALL...THEY'VE ALL GONE TO HEAVEN NOW!" I weeped. Even at this time of great personal loss for me I had to play the part of little Esther and the officer was buying it. "Help is here little one" he said softly. "THEY DIED! THEY ALL DIED!" I explained. He obviously wasn't trained for a situation such as this. How does one comfort a "child" they have never met whose "family" have just died in one of the worst ways imaginable? What words could be spoken to ease the pain? I put my head on his shoulder and let my pain flow freely from my broken heart. I trembled as I thought about what I had just lost. Paul Sullivan had meant the world to me and I had no other choice but to sabotage my own plans. Now I could say I failed twice. I cried more bitterly...more painfully than ever before! The officer continued his best efforts to comfort me as more officers arrived. I didn't seem to matter if I were in Estonia or thousands of miles away in America. Nothing ever seemed to work for me for a fucking change! I grabbed onto the back of his uniform with my tiny hands. The grief seemed never ending. The tears could flow for all eternity.

The hopelessness was palpitable. "I'm...the...I'm the only...one...who made it out" I told him. "Help is here now" he told me kindly. "My heart breaks for you Esther. I don't know what to tell you or how to say it. This isn't your fault. You need another person right now to be here for you." he said softly. I wish I could agree with him that it wasn't my fault. I wanted so desperately to believe that I did what had to be done. Another part of me wanted to kick myself in the ass. I should have just did what James wanted! It would have been done and over all in the same day. Why did I have to be so stubborn with myself? Why did I believe I was so untouchable? And now look at what has happened in so short a period of time! My very dreams themselves have gone up in those flames of destruction. My heart and soul were as scorched as the ancient stones of the house that I had spent so much of my time in. I had invested so much of my energy into making things work that I became blinded by pride.

Minutes passed before I released my grip. "We need to take you away from here Esther. Don't you have any relatives?" he asked with such pain in his voice. "I'm an orphan again" I sobbed. I noticed the tears flowing down his own face. He was truly touched by my situation. He didn't bother to ask the question again. He wanted to give me the space to grieve. "OH MY FAMILY!" I cried. I repeatedly hit my forehead into the back of the front passenger's seat. I was now officially a broken woman...just damaged goods. The officer gently stopped me from trying to hurt myself and let me know that everything was going to be okay. He knew better to say that but like any person dealing with such a situation as this he was at a relative loss of words. I thought about poor Syrah back in Estonia. Should I even tell her what happened? I realized that I broke my promise to her not to hurt anybody again but under the terrifying circumstances I was in what choice did I have? I was sure she would understand me. She had to but for the moment I had to focus on myself. As Officer Daniels spoke with another officer several ambulances pulled into the driveway. Obviously they were not here to save any lives. It would now be a recovery mission. The back door of the squad car where I was sitting was still open. I made eye contact with one of the female EMT's as she glanced over in my direction. I looked longingly and sadly into her eyes. I was sure she knew about my loss. She could read me. I picked up my Bible next to me and opened it up. I immedietely pulled out the photo of Paul having fun at the local beach.

My heart was teared to shreds as my tear drops fell onto the photo. "What a wonderful human being the world has lost in you" I said softly. I slid the photo back between the pages and I could only think about the life that could have been between him and I. A life that would now never be. I looked up at the house. The stone walls were still standing but the interior and the roof were absolutely destroyed and gutted. I killed 5 people now since arriving in America. That put my total number of so-called "victims" at 12. It didn't have to end this way! Officer Daniels soon returned and informed me that he would have to take me to the hospital just to make sure that I was okay. Right then and there I realized I had to be careful that I did not undress when I arrived so I asked him an obvious question. "What are they going to do to me there?" I said as I sniffled. "They're just going to look at you...that's all. Esther...I...I'm so sorry...I can't...", the officer became lost as he searched for something to say to me that might soothe me. Words would not come to him though. With that he buckled me in and closed the back door. He looked at me for one last time in total yet understanding sadness before walking around front and getting into the driver's seat.

At no time did I catch a glimpse of any of the bodies. I'm sure Officer Daniels wanted to make sure I was well away from the scene before the paramedics recovered the bodies. We slowly backed out and did a U-turn before taking one last trip down the driveway. I looked behind me. The tears dripped down my chin. My bit my lower lip and shook my head in disbelief. I was now heading to the hospital where I would be met by more strangers. Strangers in a strange land. This all seemed like the most horrid of dreams. My life went up in flames along with that house and I felt as if the last chapter in my life had just been written. I cannot adequately use words or phrases to describe how empty I felt in the back of that cruiser. The house began to fade from view before doing so entirely as we drove down the road leading to the Sullivan property. A huge pillar of dark soot and smoke filled the sky above the house. I could not turn away from the sight. This nightmare was of my own creation. I thought back to all of the positive memories I had of Paul. From the time we first met at the Russian orphanage to the meals we shared and the private moments we had alone. To me they felt romantic. They felt life affirming. "I'm so sorry Paul" I muttered every so softly as I turned back around in my seat. Officer Daniels remained silent throughout the entire trip to the hospital. He wasn't being careless or thoughtless. He still just didn't know what to say to the newly-orphaned Esther. I knew it would take some time before the true shock of the loss would hit me. I realized I would have to create a cover story to cover my tracks. The numbness remained but the question still lingered as to what would happen next. The whole future...MY whole future...was now in serious jeapardy. "Oh fate...why are you so cruel to me?" I thought as the journey continued. The slate was now blank. I could only speculate what even the very next day would hold. I was back at square one. Despite the horrors that this day had held for me I knew I had to struggle onward if I were to ever make a future for myself. This was all so obvious but as to what kind of future I did not and could not know. Not now. Perhaps never. My stay with the Sullivans was now over and between my mental torment and my emotional pain the future now looked grimmer than ever...

**In Chapter 20, Leena is taken to the hospital and although she is uninjured the police soon question her and probe for answers as a new discovery is made...Thanks for reading! Keep those reviews and feedbacks coming :-)**


	20. Misery At The Hospital

**In Chapter 19, James reveals Leena's secret to the Sullivan household. To Leena's shock they believe him and she is forced to murder James along with the family by setting the house on fire. Leena is devastated that she had to kill James but is releaved that the authorities were not notified about her true identity. She is soon taken away by police to the hospital where we now find her being treated...**

I soon found myself sitting on the edge of a hospital bed. My worn and aged Bible sat next to me. I had found it odd that a police vehicle had taken me here as opposed to an ambulance. In any case I must have been a truly pathetic sight for all to behold. My hair was a tangled and matted mess. Myself and my clothing were dirty. I felt absolutely alone at this point. What more did I possibly have to live for? Everything I had worked for had literally went up in smoke and flames. My mind was completely numb. It was as if I were given a powerful drug to kill the pain. Now I realize that I was just to absolutely shocked to believe all that had happened today in such a short period of time. Hours before I was resting tenderly in Paul's loving arms. Now he was a burned corpse and I had nobody but myself to blame. This wasn't the first time I had done this though. I murdered a family back in Estonia and torched the house. That was what landed me in the Saarne Institute when the court's found me "insane" and "unfit to stand for trial". At least this time though things seemed to be different. I was not in handcuffs or locked away in a dingy jail cell. The tears still flowed. I had no clue what to do next or what would happen next to me. Everything was now in fate's hands. Those hands tended to be all too cruel to me over so many years. A dozen people had paid with their lives when my wrath was unleashed. Little did I ever realize though just how badly I was hurting myself when I decided to hurt others. Yet what other choices were there? None!

I sat there quietly. White linen curtains surrounded the bed. Various medical staff passed to and fro from where I was seated. My legs dangled pathetically off the edge of the bed. I did not care much to lie down. This was the last place I expected to find myself here in America. I had been sitting there for over half an hour before a nurse finally came to attend to me. Careless assholes! I knew I wasn't hurt in any way and I was just going to go through the ropes. Now all I could suddenly think about was what was going to happen in the immediate hours and days that lie ahead. I looked sadly as the nurse approached me. She obviously was aware of what had just happened. Although she smiled at me her eyes were sad and listless. "Hello Esther...my name is Paula and I'm here to help make sure you are okay." she said in a slight New England accent. I guess that is what they call it. I noticed something familiar in her hands. "I know what happened today and I'm so sorry for what happened but I know words will not help you right now." She sure as fuck was right about that. "I know this may not be the time but hopefully this given you some comfort." With those words she extended my make-up kit to me. Both the powder box and the small black box containing my make-up. They were both clearly marked with "Esther" in black letters in case anybody who shouldn't be ever came across them. Both objects escaped the blaze and survived intact and were of course so very crucial to me staying in character as "Esther". I was amazed as she handed them to me. "The firefighters found this in the ashes" she explained with profound sadness. "They brought it here to give to you." I nodded and thanked her softly. I refused to make eye contact. I cradled the two boxes in my lap. "I know it doesn't mean much but...I had a father who died of cancer recently so I understand the terrible pain you must be going through. A little girl such as yourself should not have to experience all that you have today. I'm SO sorry! I'm sure your family is somewhere so beautiful and peaceful now. They are in Heaven" The woman's words were of no value to me although I appreciated her caring nature. Just like Syrah. She gulped back her own tears and apologized. She gently stroked the back of my head as I gently wiped the tears from my eyes. Her stare became focused to the two boxes in my lap and she must have wondered as to why a "nine year old girl" had a make-up and powder box but of course didn't dare to ask me about it. She knew my plight and truly wanted to bring me at least a little comfort in one of my darkest hours of suffering.

"I miss mommy and daddy now" I told her longingly. I could hear doctors and nurses shouting orders to one another as Paula tried to focus her attention on me. I wished I could just be left alone for the time being but I would get this over with. After all, I had to stay somewhere tonight and I had no clue if that would be at the hospital or someplace else. My mind was adrift in a vast sea of uncertainty. She put her hands on my shoulders. "I know this is alot right now Esther...I know...I know...but may I please examine you? It's very important to make sure you are okay" she said softly and slowly. I didn't want to take my clothing off for obvious reasons. "I won't have to take my clothes off, will I?" The nurse shook her head. "Nothing like that" she said. I was relieved. The nurse dressed in her whites put a stethoscope to my chest and listened to my heart rate while keeping her thumb on my left wrist to check as well. She made some notes. After this she took out a small flashlight and instructed me to follow the light with my eyes which I did. She then had me extend my arms and legs all the way out to make sure my limbs and muscles were alright. It was a quick and simple examination. It was all to clear though that this simple examination was hard for her to perform on somebody in my particular set of circumstances.

Much like the police officer who brought me here she seemed at a loss of words. So was I for that matter. No piece of paper or the finest ink could be adequate enough to testify to the shear hell that today had been for me. It was my worse fear come absolutely and dreadfully true. I still wished it were just a dream...a terrible nightmare that I would make up from and run into Paul's arms for comfort. The numbness of my mind seemed to permeate my entire body at this point. My legs and arms felt as if they were sleeping. The nurse took some more notes. She completed her task before taking one last solitary look at me. Such a sense of sadness emanated off of her. "Do you want me to bring you a counselor?" she asked. "Somebody who could talk to you and help you right now?" I slowly turned my head as I sat there alone in my own personal hell that I was forced to create. "I really want to be alone right now" I replied. "I understand. Just ask anyone of us and we can get you a counselor when you're ready and again..." There was an akward silence between the two of us. "I'm just so sorry that you have to be here with what has happened to you. I wish we could bring your family back to you."

"We're here to help you...lie down and try to rest...ask and we'll be here for you" were her last words before she quitely and solemly took her leave. Her words stung at me. No amount of time or effort would ever bring Paul Sullivan back into my life. To me it seemed like the train wreck that was my life had at last reached it's final destination. If only it weren't for James. Never in my life had I ever felt so angry and such rage towards another person. I found anger was slowly becoming the predominant feeling I was now experiencing. I slowly lifted my legs onto the hospital bed and stared up at the light on the ceiling. I could only take solace in the fact that James was now dead and could never torment me ever again. Still, even today I have nightmares about him. He haunts my thoughts sometimes. If it were not for him I would not be sitting in that strange hospital and certainly not in the Connecticut orphanage I now find myself in. I remember lying in that hospital bed for what seemed like eons of time. The tears had since dried and I now had the time to myself to think about my life and where it has gone so far. I tried to do a personal inventory on myself. Was all this trouble really worth it? Should I just give up on finding love and be content with being alone? I couldn't help but feel self-pity. I was startled though when Paula came back. "Esther?", I sat up. "A person is here who wants to speak with you about what happened today" she explained. I figured she was talking about a counselor of some sort but to my surprise it was a man who I did not recognize. He was dressed in tan slacks and a white dress shirt. I became quizical and confused as to who this could be. Was is perhaps a relative of the Sullivans? "Who are you?" I asked with a blank stare.

The man took a deep breath and sighed. "I wanted to wait a little while to talk to you but time is of the ecsence." A brief pause of silence as I waited for him to acknowledge my question. "My name is James Horenthal. I was one of the police officers who was on the scene." I didn't recognize him but I took him at his word. I became rather blunt. "Then how comes your not wearing your uniform" I asked a little cocky. In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have been that way with him. "Esther, I am an officer who doesn't wear a uniform" he said gently. Obviously he meant he was a "plain clothes" officer. "I'll leave the two of you alone" said Paula. She gave me a another understanding smile before attending to other duties. He took a seat next to me. I was in no fucking mood to talk to any other soul. "Little girl...I mean Esther...the whole reason I am here right now is that myself and the other officer's and firefighters found something that I need to talk to you about. I know this is not the right time but we need to."

The fear once again saturated me. "What the fuck is it now? NO! PLEASE tell me they didn't figure out what I had done" I thought desperately. Just when I couldn't thought my day could get any more worse the officer began to explain what I feared the most. I could only brace myself for the worst. "Now Esther...again I know this is such an inappropriate time to talk with you but I do need some answers". I gulped in fear. I tried not to show any signs of fear or weakness on my part. I could not give any clues as to what I had really done. He asked me a question I so dreaded to hear. "Esther...do you know what the word arson means?" I couldn't bring myself to look at him and make eye contact. I simply nodded that I knew what he meant. I steadied my voice and spoke. "Why?...What's wrong?" I pretended to fake concern. The man sighed as he tried to collect himself. After all he was talking to a "child". A brief pause between the two of us...

"Well Esther...the firemen who put out the fire have discovered that arson was the cause of the fire. They discovered that gasoline was poured around the outside and that it was started by a person but we don't know who." I could only imagine that he knew it was me. I could only hope I would not be the recipient of a lie detector test or some bullshit like that. I simply continued to play the innocence card that alwasy seemed to work so well for me. I remained silent and pretended to be stunned by what I was hearing. I let my mouth fall open as if I were in disbelief. I let a tear make it's way down my face. I shook my head in disbelief. "NO! NO!" I raised my voice. "How...I mean why?" I hoped he was buying it. He took a hold of my hand and continued on. "Esther...did you notice any strange people in or near the house today or recently?" he asked. Here we go with the questioning! I replied that I had not. I still had no idea as to whether or not I was any kind of suspect in his investigation. I hoped against hope as he continued to prod me for more information. "Were there any fights that you know of between maybe one of your parents and somebody not living with you" he asked. I let the tears flow. "I'm not sure" I lied. "Now think Esther...think really hard" he insisted. I paused for a moment and responded. "Not that I know of". He seemed dishearted by my answers. He wasn't getting anything useful from little ol' Esther. With the next question he asked I immedietely knew he was suspicious of me. "Esther...have you got into a fight with your parents or perhaps with your sister? Did any of them do anything to make you angry?". I wanted to collapse right then and there. I figured he must be on to me but I fought through the fear and summoned my inner strength. "Are you saying I DID IT?" I cried. I began to weep. "Esther...we just need to find out who did this to your family." I contined hamming it up. "I swear I didn't do nothing!" I told him. He elaborated further. "The firemen also found an empty gasoline can out in the woods by the house. We know for sure somebody lit the house on fire and hid the gasoline can out there." I wanted to kick myself in the ass for not having covered my tracks better.

He continued talking soothingly. "We found no fingerprints on the can so that is why we wanted to talk to you." I had no answer. "Now are you SURE, are you one hundred percent positive that you didn't maybe get angry at mommy and daddy and lose your temper?" The question was so straight forward. It stabbed right at my very concious. "I swear mister. I didn't do anything. I PROMISE!" I pleaded while shaking my head. I lied outright at his next question. "Were you inside the house when the fire started? Be honest Esther." As usual I could make up a lie right there on the spot. "Yes...I was near the back door in the kitchen when it started and my family and my uncle were in the living room" I explained. "I seen the flames at the back of the house and I ran outside but kept falling down and I got dirty." I hoped my lies would pay off in my favor. "Why didn't your family follow you?" he asked inquisitively. I hoped I was outsmarting this man. I put my face in my hands and sobbed loudly. "I don't know!" I whimpered pathetically. He seemed to pause to absorb and piece together all of the information I had given him. I took a brief glance and wondered whether he truly believed me or not. "Do you think I did it?" I asked. Maybe this was an incredibly stupid question to ask. After all it does sound alot like a question that a guilty person would ask an officer. He was quick to respond. "No honey...I think that whoever done this must have had a problem with your family. I have never seen anything like this in my entire 22 years as an officer. Don't you worry about a thing though." He gently placed his hand on my shoulder as I pretended to sob. "We'll find and put in prison whoever did this." He gave me a little hug and he thanked me for my time. He sat up and tunred to walk away. "One more thing" he asked. "If you remember anything that you haven't told me just tell it to nurse Paula and she'll make sure I hear about it." I nodded sadly. My heart seemed to lift as he walked slowly away. My gut instinct told me he didn't suspect a thing of me. Sure, "children" who kill are not unknown but why would such a thing happen in this town? He was little more than a small town officer who was out of luck and out of leads. The killer had sat right next to him. A person who now had taken a full dozen lives to her credit. No, that is still not something I am proud of (except for killing James) but I felt like at that moment I could breathe a sigh of complete relief.

I still had plenty of personal grief to deal with despite this fact. I was once again back to square one. I could only continue to question what fate now had in store for me. Another family? Maybe foster care? Are there any other Sullivan relatives I would have to stay with? In any case I would have to live with brand new people in yet another strange and foreign environment. I was so settled down in the Sullivan household before today. "Nothing fucking ever goes right" I muttered to myself. There was nothing left to do but just sit there and ponder my destiny. I wondered if I would ever again have the chance that I was forced to destroy. I now wanted to contact Syrah sometime soon to let her know what happened. I vowed to myself not to keep secrets from her but at the same time I did not want to reveal that I was forced to murder them. She is always so concerned over what I had done in the past. I have wrote about that already though. I sat there...and sat...and sat. It was now two or three in the afternoon. Hours had passed. Every now and then nurse Paula came around to check on me and ask if I needed to speak to someone who would offer me "help". She would ask if I wanted to eat as well but I was in no such mood to stuff my face. Every time I refused until one final time she came around with some vital news. "Esther..." she said ever so gently. She was still sensitive to my extreme loss. "Esther...I'm so sorry you have had to wait so long. I must tell you though that the police made some calls and they only found one relative who will take you in. Her name is Jennifer Sullivan. She is a cousin of your father and she lives in Connecticut." This was a pretty straight-forward piece of information. I couldn't help but smile. Perhaps she has a husband! A CHILD! Maybe today would end on a positive note. "Really...are you serious? A relative?" I said with a hint of cheer.

She smiled. "Why yes...but just so you know she does live alone so it won't be like...well...with your family" she said. FUCK! FUCK! FUCKING SHIT! That pissed me off! For all I knew she was some mean-spirited bitch. Why the fuck would I want to live with some unknown woman? I needed a whole family if things were to work out! I tried to remain a little cheerful that this "little girl" had somebody to take care of her. Inside I couldn't have been more downtroden. Now what?

At the rate things seemed to be going it seemed best to just run back into Syrah's waiting arms. That seemed logical. I had no change of clothes and just a make-up kit to my name. My heartstrings tugged at me as to what I should do next. "The big problem is that Jennifer told us thather car is broken down so a social worker here at the hospital will have to drive you out of state to her home. Everybody agrees that it is best that you are placed with a relative. I know this is a brand new person to enter your life but she seems really, really nice" she explained. I cracked a smile for woman. "There you go...I admire you can smile after what happened today" she said with praise. "Esther...we promise everything is going to be okay now. I know your still in alot of pain but the help you need begins today." she said reassuringly. I felt like chuckling to myself. What a crock of shit! My plans were not unraveled like a ball of yarn but I couldn't blame the hospital for trying their best to help a person they perceived to be a young girl. This news that I now had to absorb...it was so fucking frustrating. "When will I leave? I asked outright. "In the morning Esther. You can sleep right here tonight. Again, if you need somebody to talk to just tell one of us and we'll send somebody right away." Paula was very caring and motherly in a way I never knew. My mother died some 30 years prior to this moment. Her countenance kind of made me wonder what life would have been like for me had I had a mother but this thought was short-lived. I still had to worry about "Jennifer". I had no clue about anything when it came to this woman. On top of that I had to call Syrah. I decided to wait about doing that. I figured telling her could wait until I was in a more stable situation...whatever that may indeed be.

Once again I was left alone for the day. There was no sign of the officers or any other law enforcement. I was confidant that I was in the clear. My heart was still filled with grief but at least I knew what tomorrow would hold for me. I sat there for a moment before I heard a woman screaming from the hallway. I was in a large open room surrounded by other hospital beds that were curtained off. The screaming came closer down the hallway. A familiar site suddenly came to me. An obviously mentally disturbed woman was brought by force into the room by two EMT's. Her hands were tied behind her back. "THE DEVIL'S COMING TO GET US! HE'LL GET ALL OF!" she screamed. I seen this at the Saarne Institute more than a few times. Her hair and clothes were completely disheveled. She seemed to be homeless based on her appearance. I almost laughed to myself. People trapped in their own hell like this I found entertaining! Even though I was once in the same position as her I am not known for showing or feeling pity. The male EMT's could barely keep her restrained in place before a hospital gurney was quickly summoned. "NO! NO! HE'S COMING!" she continued screaming. Even in my sadness I could find something to lift my spirits. Suddenly the woman bit one of the orderlies (I had done this as well at Saarne). The man screamed out and pried the woman off of him. Another three people joined the EMT's in forcing the woman onto the gurney and strapping her in. Guess there was no straight jackets here. Her eyes were wide with panic and fear. At least I wasn't the only person having a shitty day. The other staff and patients could only watch as the disturbed woman was wheeled off to what was surely the psychiatric ward. Her screams grew fainter and once again things calmed down. I guess she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon! Finally, I decided to make a rash decision...I would contact Syrah.

Paula once again walked by and I summoned her over to me. "Excuse me...can I make a call to my sister in Estonia?" The woman seemed surprised by the request. "We don't have any phones for patient use on this floor but wait one minute." I waited and she soon returned with a cell phone. "Here you go...it's mine but I don't care if it's long distance...you call who you need to" she said. I smiled and gave my thanks. She took off once more. My nerves were on edge once more. It felt alot like the time when I first fled to Syrah after my escape. I had no idea how I would tell her. Should I just lie? If I tell her the truth will she alert the authorities? I took a few minutes to summon up the courage and finally decided to just dive in and make the call. It had been a little while since we last talked. After a few rings her familiar voice sounded to me. "Hello?" she answered. "Syrah, it's me" I said urgently. I was excited to hear her voice. "OH! Leena! How are you honey? I was waiting for you to call. How is everything going?" she asked enthusiastically.

I knew the news I was about to give her would ruin her day. Once again I would become responsible for making her nerves shot. "Well, Syrah...that is something we need to talk about." I started out. "What...what do you mean Leena?" she asked. She didn't sound worried or anything that would indicate she was about to be the recipient of some terrible news. There was a silence as I tried to collect my words for her. "Hello? Are you still there?" she asked. "Yes Syrah...I'm in the hospital right now." I just wanted to let her know what happened and get this over with. "What do you mean your in the hospital? Are you okay? Did something bad happen?" Now she sounded on the worried side. I paused in fear. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. "Leena...tell me what happened." she insisited. "I'm here because..." I kept myself calm. "Yes...because?" my sister prodded. I finally took the leap. "The house burned down" I explained softly. "Leena", she said sternly. "What do you mean the house burned down?" I now knew she was catching my drift. I spoke in Estonian so nobody would understand. Syrah spoke in English to me. "The house burned down and I'm the only one who survived" I said as matter of factly as could be. I found myself trembling in fear. There was yet another pause and suddenly I heard Syrah weeping loudly on the phone. She began swearing to herself.

Once again I was frozen in mental fear. Her wailing suddenly turned to a scream of frustration. I knew I was thoroughly fucked! "YOU BROKE OUR PROMISE DIDN'T YOU? DIDN'T YOU?" she suddenly screeched at me. I was still frozen. "LEENA, TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DO IT! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T KILL THAT POOR FAMILY" she screamed. She wept once more. Do I lie? NO! Not to Syrah! She knows better than to believe any lie I would conjure up. The truth had to be told and there was no time better than now. "Syrah...", I was shaking, I started to sob myself but these were real tears of the misery I was still in. "Syrah...they found out! They found out who I was!" I said fighting back the pain. "WHAT? TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DO IT!" she repeated. "TELL ME!" she cried. "Something unexpected happened...this man named James...a man who I slept with as a prostitute." Once again I had to force the words from my mouth as Syrah sobbed. "A man who I slept with as a prostitute...he...I SWEAR SYRAH...he was related to the Sullivans...he...he came over...he recognized me!" Syrah suddenly interupted. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?" she begged. "He came over and told me to either sleep with him or he would tell them who I was." I could not believe these words were coming out of my mouth to poor Syrah. She had been through enough with me. "BUT WHYYYYYY?" she moaned. "Because I refused to sleep with him and he told them who I was." I closed my eyes tightly as the brutal sting of my emotional pain once again overtook me. "I...I...I didn't think they would believe him but they did. They panicked...I had to do it Syrah! I burned the house down and all four of them died!" "OH GOD! NO LEENAAAAA!" she sobbed hysterically. "I'm sorry I broke our promise. I had no choice Syrah. They would have called the cops on me." I knew no amount of explaining was going to calm my sister down at this moment. "TELL ME THE TRUTH! YOU TRIED TO SEDUCE THAT MAN AND FAILED! IS THAT IT LEENA?" she screamed. "Syrah...SYRAH...I swear...I SWEAR...I SWEAR...I SWEAR!" I pleaded. "PLEASE believe me Syrah, I beg of you! I didn't try to do anything like that with him! His brother came over and he knew right away who I was! He tried to blackmail me!" I explained hopelessly. I realized to my extreme disdain that I had broken my sister's heart. "Don't cry Syrah...please don't cry!" I pleaded to her.

Syrah just continued to cry as I listened to her. No words were spoken for a few moments. She had to collect herself into one piece again. "Syrah, there was no other war. There was no other option." I spoke softly. "I swear upon how much that I love you that I AM telling the TRUTH!" I was in way too deep now to tell anything but the truth! I could hear her coughing and trying desperately to catch her own breath. I knew things were horrible on her end. "I don't mean to upset you Syrah but I had to tell you. Sisters don't keep secrets from each other" I told her. After a few tense minutes she finally regained enough composure to speak again. "When? When did this happen?" she asked. "Just this morning. They took me to the hospital to check on me but I'm okay. They don't know that I did it. I'm not in trouble. They're sending me to stay with a lady relative of the family" I explained quickly. "I know this is alot for you Syrah but please I'm safe! You must be so angry at me." I told her in sorrow. "You just burned it down" she said in quiet sobbing. "With gasoline...all around the house...I didn't want it to end this way. Please Syrah...I only wanted the best for me. For us. Now it's all over. Don't you think I feel sorrow over what just happened?" I continued to plead. "I was so scared this would happen. FUCK! I knew I should never have let you leave here, Leena. I should never have put you on that train! This could have all been fucking avoided and now look at what you done!" I suddenly began to beg her. "PLEASE...Syrah...don't turn me in...please don't tell anyone what I told you!" I begged. "Am I'm just supposed to allow you to keep killing like this?" she said sharply. I felt fortunate I decided not to tell her just yet about murdering poor little Samantha awhile back. That would be for some other time and place. "I don't want to go back to jail or the hospital. This woman relative lives alone. I swear nothing bad is going to happen. Oh, PLEASE Syrah...PLEASE believe me that I had no other choice." I heard her sniffeling over the phone. "I'm absolutely devastated" she said. "Syrah...I feel the same way. I'm still crying about it" I answered back. "Leena...let's end this insane game of yours right now...come back to Estonia NOW! Come back to our home and you can stay here for good. You come back immedietely!" she said quickly. I was at least very glad that she was still concerned for my personal welfare and well-being.

Suddenly Paula came back around to check on me once more. "Please...I'll be a few more minutes" I told her. She nodded and went away once again. I wanted complete privacy even if I wasn't speaking to Syrah in English. "Leena...I can't have you on the outside anymore...I allowed a tragedy to happen. I feel responsible for this." She suddenly let out a long sorrowful moan. "Syrah...had I not done what I did...as drastic as it was...I would be in handcuffs right now. I couldn't have just ran away. I knew if I did that I would've been caught." I explained, hoping that she would understand. "I'm not making excuses sister...I take responsibility for what just happened today...but you need to understand why this happened to begin with. It wasn't over something stupid or minor." Despite the guilt I was feeling for causing Syrah so much pain I was relieved that the weight I was carrying felt like it was finally being lifted off my shoulders. She knew the truth...the inky darkness of my inner secret. I would always share my heart and soul with Syrah. She was the only person I could trust. "Come home!" she begged. "Let's end this!" she pleaded with such insistance in her tone of voice. "Syrah, believe me, I don't want to go to this strange woman's house. I don't know her and the police are going to take me there in the morning but I want to stay here in America and see how things go." Syrah did NOT like this answer. "Leena, they're not even looking for you here anymore. I'll come to America if I have to if you need me to come get you." she explained. "Leena, I can't believe a second family had to suffer...I wish this call were a nightmare". She still sobbed softly to herself. "I don't mean to hurt you with this news Syrah. I really don't. I'm sorry for these circumstances but this isn't your fault." I wanted her to believe this so badly. "You should have just stayed here." she whimpered. "Maybe your right...", Syrah suddenly cut me off. "I AM right, Leena. That family would still be ALIVE!" she said in desperation. "I want you to come home as soon as possible and if not just let me get you. Tell me where you are honey." she insisted.

"This cannot be happening" I heard her mutter to herself. I wished that were the case. "I feel so numb right now" she went on to say. "How do you think I feel, Syrah? I knew for days that man was going to tell them but I didn't think they would believe him. I swear that is the honest truth. There is nothing more I can do now." I answered. "So numb" Syrah muttered again. "Just let me stay here in America. Things will work out. They have to. They must." I said anxiously. "I don't even know what to do about this, Leena. How many times did we talk about your violent behavior. Whether you had no choice to do this or not...you should have just an back to Estonia" she said. "Why the fuck did I have to get a phone call like this?" she went on. "It was horrible what I did, yes. I cried when I heard Paul and his family screaming. If even one of them were to live I would be locked up." I tried in desperation to explain further. "It's no fucking excuse Leena. There is NO EXCUSE for what you just did." she repremanded me. "I wish that were true" I said in a hushed tone. But there was simply no way I would risk being recaptured. I'm just going to stay right where I am in this country. We will see how things pan out over here. I had to tell you the truth Syrah, no matter how much it may hurt. I don't mean to give you restless nights." I sobbed slightly. Syrah was still numb and delirious over this news. That was clear. "Am I a monster to you Syrah?" I asked. "Don't manipulate me Leena!" she hissed back. "I'm angry but I still love you no matter what you do." She indeed cared and still cares that much about me. One absolute question needed to be answered right here and now though. "I just need to know..." I took a deep breath. "Are you going to tell anybody? Are you turning me in? If you tell anybody I'll flee and nobody will find me!" I took another deep, calming breath as I awaited an answer. After a nervous pause she replied with an answer I was hoping to here. "I don't want a repeat of this! I could have stopped this before it even happened. Am I going to tell anyone? Trust me Leena, there is a part of me right now that wants to turn you in. To turn you in and protect everyone else in the world from experiencing your rage. The part of me that wants to keep you out of prison or the hospital is stronger though. I wish that wasn't so. I want to stop you. That is why I want you to come home."

I was relieved for the time being. "I have no choice but to go to this new home tomorrow. I don't like and you don't like it. As soon as possible I'm going to need you to send me the rest of my dresses, tights, shoes, the copies of all my of false documents, everything that I didn't take with me to America. Now Syrah, it is best to leave things where they're at right now. I just had to tell you straight out the gate what happened. I'm okay but I need to return this phone to the nurse." I told her. "No Leena, don't end our call!" she insisted. "I have to go Syrah. She wants it back. I'm sorry for what I did and I know my words won't help too much but please pray for me if you think it will help. I'll be in touch shortly. I'll tell you where to send everything as soon as I get to where I'm going. I love you Syrah...goodbye for now." I whispered. "WAIT!" she shouted before I hung up.

I let my head hang low in downcasted grief that I had not felt in the longest time. Paula soon checked on me again and I returned her phone and thanked her for the opportunity to make the call. I now had to worry about more practical things. I had way too many dresses to take all of them with me to America. I had alot of other things including a second copy of falsified documents. I knew how to plan ahead for something like this. All I needed now was for Syrah to send them right away. This was my last outfit but I was greateful to have the make-up. I got up from the stiff bed and walked slowly walked across the room to the bathroom with my kit. There was a push-button lock on the door and I made sure the door was securely locked upon entering. I turned on the light and was greeted by the harshly bright flourescent glow. I looked in the mirror and got the first glimpse of what I looked like. My hair was a mess. The ribbons now hanging pathetically within my hair. My face was smeared with dirt. My make-up was intact but had run underneath the dirt. Luckily the dirt did a good job and hiding this fact. I wanted to cry at the reflection that I saw. I turned on the faucet of the sink and cleaned my face off. I watched the dirt and the make-up wash down the drain. My dreams seemed to go down the drain with them. I never had so little faith in myself than I did that day. Even in my darkest of hours I had to keep up the "Esther" sham.

There was a small brush with the make-up box which I removed. I took out my blue hair ribbons. My hair was such a tangled mess that it took some time to brush it straight. The brush tugged harshly at my hair but I made myself at least presentable. The childish ribbons returned to their usual place before I fucked around for the next half an hour to fix my make-up. I thought to myself how long I could keep pulling off this whole scam. Til what age? 40? 50? I doubt that! I knew that no matter how defeated I felt inside that the woman staring back at me in the mirror had less and less time to make her dreams a very real reality. The older I became the faster time seemed to go by. Time had stopped forever for the Sullivans though. They were probably in the morgue by now. Charred flesh. Bodies burnt beyond recognition. That was the price that had to be paid. With the last touched of make-up, of the foundation, of the powder, I was now presentable once more. I wetted a paper towel and did my best to wipe the dirt off of my clothing and was successful to some extent. I wanted to at least look descent enough to make a good first impression with the mysterious "Jennifer". Then again, coming to her a dirty wreck might gain more sympathy but that thought came to mind too late. I was now at least somewhat primmed up for tomorrow.

I stared blankly at my reflection. I became lost in my own eyes. I pondered. I wondered. I dreamed. Was I just a pathetic dreamer after all? A dreamer trying to obtain something that was unobtainable for a person such as myself? I wanted to just surrender to fate and give everything up. Syrah wanted this for me. I took one of the biggest gambles of my life and lost. I packed up my kit and made my way back over to the bed I had languished at for hours. Once again I took hold of my Bible and went over all of the photos. The one of my sister and I brought a smile to my face but when I took out Paul's photo I could only think about what could have been. I went over the pictures of the two "clients" whom I had brief relationships with as a prostitute back in Estonia. Then I took out the photo of Konstantine, my first "adopted" father. Lastly, I took out the photo of my father Tiidrik Klammer. All these men were dead. Who was more of the victim? Them or myself? So many shattered dreams! I placed the photos back into the Bible and put it along with my make-up kit on the counter next to the bed. I laid down. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. All I could do was lie there and wait for tomorrow. I just stared at the ceiling with my hands folded over my stomach. Numbness. Nothing but numbness and disbelief. I had plenty of time now to just reflect. To reflect on every decision I have made in life. What if I never became "Esther" in the first place? What if I just accepted my physical condition and went about a "normal" life? Would I be married by now? Would I be happy by now? Endless questions with no answers. For the mean time I was helpless to improve my situation. Leena Klammer would just have to wait things out...hopefully tomorrow would possibly be a fresh start...a new leaf...hopefully...and hope was all I had.

**In Chapter 21, Leena is taken to a grieving Jennifer Sullivan. Will Jennifer change her mind and not take her in after all? What kind of conflicts may emerge? Thank you as always for reading and reviewing! Have a happy and safe Christmas 2010!**


	21. Esther's New Home

**In Chapter 20, Leena was taken to the local hospital to be examined. Although uninjured, she was questioned when the authorities found out that the fire was arson. Leena managed to avoid suspicion only to let her sister know what had happened. With her sister devasted, Leena soon finds out she is to be taken to the state of Connecticut and to the grieving sister of Paul - Jennifer Sullivan…**

The next morning I found myself waiting in the back seat of a black sedan. I was waiting to be spirited away to yet another home. I was allowed to take a shower beforehand but I was still dressed as I was yesterday although I managed to clean my clothing to a good extent. My thoughts drifted to and fro as I sat there waiting for the driver who I I thought about my sister and her reactions to the news. Poor Syrah, I'm sure she didn't get any sleep. I received none as well. My make-up kit and my Bible laid snuggly on my lap. They were all I had until Syrah could send me everything else. I had no clue who "Jennifer Sullivan" was besides that she was Paul's sister. I was waiting for a social worker to spirit me away to "Connecticut", I never even heard of this state before. Some of the tress were finally starting to blossom.

The sounds of birds chirping and the warmth of this sunny Spring day and the scents of early morning dew and flowers was a complete contrast to every fear and to every misery that now inhabited my mind. When I was in Russia I got to know the Sullivans first before I was taken to this strange land. I never even seen or heard Jennifer though. Worst of all she was single. No man for me to love, no child, just this woman. I wasn't hysterical as I was yesterday but the tears still flowed as I thought feverishly about the opportunity that had slipped away from my grasp. The shock of the previous day's events were still sinking in. I still felt that everything that had happened was absolutely beyond reality. A second family I had to dispatch to an early grave. Nobody won this time. Nobody ever seemed to win when "Esther" was under somebody's roof. I could still even today care less for James or the two women of the house. My poor Paul was gone for all eternity. His body consumed by the inferno that swallowed up all of my hopes and dreams and wishes. The empty void in my hard was bottomless because of this. I'm not some cold-blooded monster. I had such feelings for Paul. They are still intact even today. Now as I waited all I had were my thoughts to keep me company.

As I sat in the car I noticed a police officer keeping watch of me nearby while casually smoking a cigarette. I'm guessing that was for my own safety to watch over me but it certainly made me feel unnerved. I feel that I came close enough yesterday to having been captured. His uniform struck a primal nerve with me. I knew my luck was still dangling by a thread. What else did the authorities know? I shook these feelings off. I had to keep my sanity. Certainly I had to be in the clear. After all there were no handcuffs on me. I had to be on guard nevertheless. I was feeling nervous and paranoid all at the same time. I'm glad I was able to at least get clean and reapply my make-up. Had that kit not survived the blaze I could have been completely compromised. Still, I couldn't say this day was much better than the one before. I was so emotionally compromised at this point. I felt so vulnerable. So helpless. I truly felt like a "scared little girl" that everyone in the hospital perceived me as. A stranger who I met only briefly moment before would now be taking me to live with another stranger. That was the reality of things at that point and there wasn't much I could do about it. I wasn't going to kill this woman. All fingers would certainly point to me if I did so. Going back to Estonia I still felt was too risky. Too dangerous. That was one of the reasons I left my sister's house. Nowhere seemed a safe refuge for me. Everywhere I laid my head at night I had to proverbially sleep with one eye open.

I was lost in my thoughts when I was startled by the front driver's side door closing. It was this social worker. I forget his name. He asked me if I were ready to go. I was taken aback by his personality towards me. He gave me a big grin as if he were completely unaware of my situation. It was as if he were simply given directions as to where to take me. Like everybody else he seemed to be confused about my fashion choice although like everybody else he tried unsuccessfully to hide this fact. I ignored his question as his smile faded. He got the drift that I was in no mood to talk. I didn't even bother making eye contact with the man. Too much to think about in too little time. I felt like I was going to a funeral. All of a sudden that issue came up. Would I be attending the funeral of the Sullivans? The thought never even crossed my mind until now. It would be far too painful for me to see Paul in a casket. To watch him be lowered into the ground would kill me inside. I felt sorry for him but more for myself even though I'm sure that sounds very selfish of me saying so. All thanks to James Sullivan. I hope he rots in the deepest recesses of Hell where he came from. I still stood by my decision to stand up to him as the car pulled away from the hospital. The nightmare was still unfolding for me hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second. This nightmare had yet to be fully resolved.

The social worker didn't bother talking to me as we drove and drove. Not that it mattered. I took in the fresh air as my window was half open. Everything had now been arranged by the forces that be. All I could do now was wait until I arrived. It wouldn't be until later in the day until we arrived. That gave me plenty of ample time to ponder what the future was holding for me. Would I find another family here or anywhere? Does Syrah still love me after what I have done? Could somebody tell me what to do now? Where can I find comfort in this agony that I'm in? Great, I'm going to have to go to a new school and put up with more bullshit? Will I be going to the funeral? The butterflies fluttered in my stomach. As we drove on highways and byways I opened up my Bible to the Book of Esther. This is where I got the name from. It is a story about a girl who grows up into a woman and becomes a powerful queen. I wanted to be somebody's queen so bad. I wanted to find my king. The worn photos only reminded me of better times and then to the horrors that followed. Paul holding a fishing pole. That is the only picture I have on him now. I exhaled and shook my head in the utter disbelief I still found myself wallowing in. For hours we drove. The man made a few phone calls in reference to me. He didn't seem to talk to Jennifer at any point. I grew more and more nervous. One of my worst fears is that this woman would be suspicious of me of murdering her brother and his kin. It's hard for me to even describe that terrible emotional roller coaster I was on. A ride I could not seem to get off of. If word ever got out in Estonia that I had done this I would be hunted like a dog. I was confidant that Syrah was staying quiet at least for my sake. Neither of us wanted me to wind up where I once was. She would stay true to her word. I knew that from the bottom of my wounded heart.

I know we left at nine in the morning but it was not until three in the afternoon that we came close to my final destination. We were on the highway when we approached a large city. "Welcome to Stamford" read a sign as we made our way into the city proper. Stamford, Connecticut. What a strange name. Large buildings and beautiful architecture graces the urban landscape. I didn't care much for cities. Stamford was not as big as Tallinn, Estonia but I always preferred to live in more rural settings. Nothing I could do about it now. Lots of traffic. Just like Tallinn. I felt like I was going to my sisters. No, just this strange lady. I wanted to jump out of the moving vehicle and run like hell, Something inside told me this wasn't going to work out in my favor but then again nothing ever does in the first place. I had the feeling I wouldn't be welcomed especially on such short notice. Technically this woman was my "adopted" aunt. Perhaps I was going to wear out my welcome far too soon or maybe she would be too busy in her own life to take care of me. I hoped that would be the case. I didn't want to spend precious time with her. Time was always running out for me it seemed. Always forced into the role of a little girl out of necessity. Once again I had to play my cards to cover my own ass. At least I was away from the authorities back north in Maine. That didn't make me feel any safer as we passed droves of people meandering about the sidewalks. Just your typical controlled chaos that you find in any big city. I put my hand on the window and looked longingly at all the faces. I wished I would have grown. These people had lives and I now had nothing in this country. It made me want to cry out. After awhile we entered some suburbs which of course were fairly quiet. I knew we were very close. I was starting to sweat a little. The lump formed in my throat. It was time to once again get adjusted in yet another strange and foreign environment for at least the fourth time. Once with the family back in Estonia, once at the Saarne Institute, once with the Sullivans, and now Jennifer. I still had an uneasy feeling about all of this. Maybe it was just my general paranoia.

Before I met her I decided to take some brief preparations. I adjusted the false teeth that were in my mouth. I smoothed out my dress. I made sure my hair was nearly brushed before letting it fall over my shoulders. I adjusted the little blue bow in my hair. Even in that dark time I wanted to look decent for my first encounter with this woman. The "social worker" continued in not living up to his name. He continued to say nothing. I was invisible to him and that was how I cared to stay.

Five minutes then ten minutes passed. Finally we pulled onto an unassuming tree lined street. It looked pleasant enough and reminded me of the neighborhood Syrah lived in. At least I wouldn't be staying somewhere dangerous as far as neighborhoods were concerned. We suddenly pulled up and parked alongside the street. Birds were nesting in the cherry blossoms. The day felt beautiful but I still dreaded this moment. I had to continuously remind myself to remain in character. At times like these when I was most on edge I could easily make a slip up. "Hello, Aunt Jennifer, I'm Leena Klammer", that would not go over well. "799 Hart Street, here we are", said the social worker. I still couldn't believe how quiet he was during the trip. Maybe he appeared happy earlier to simply lift my spirits. Or perhaps he just never found himself in a position where he encountered a "child" in my situation or he was just naturally a quiet person. Apparently he didn't know why I was going to where I was but it would soon become apparent that he would soon find out from "Aunt Jennifer". My heart raced ever quicker. Couldn't I just have one happy day? The man opened up his door and proceeded to open mine. At least he was a gentleman. I grabbed my make-up kit and placed my Bible on top of it and carried them in front of me. Hopefully she wouldn't bother to scrutinize any of it. After all I was an "orphan" once again. The man closed the doors and gave me a kind smile. "Ready?" he asked. I nodded and turned to face the row of brown brick houses. All were two story and built in the same style. Unassuming. "She'll sympathize with you Leena. Today won't be as bad as you think" I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself.

I trailed the young man as we walked up onto the porch. He rang the doorbell while he carried a manila folder holding some unknown documents surely relating to me. I closed my eyes gently in anticipation. Why was I so scared? I wasn't about to be executed! This whole time driving I had held back the tears. The door soon opened. A young woman in her late twenties answered the door. She had blonde hair with dark highlights that was cut short. She was younger that I was. She was clutching a paper tissue in her hand. She was deeply upset. Her eyes were red and watery. She obviously had been grieving for hours now. After all, I had taken the lives of both of her brothers, her niece, and her sister-in-law. I grieved with her for Paul though. I felt we would have at least that much in common to start with. I had no malice against this woman when I first laid eyes on her. I just didn't want to live under her roof but here I now found myself. She opened the screen door and immediately met my gaze, I could tell she was in pain for me as well. I remained calm but we both remained silent. What could we say to each other? We were both in grief over the same man. We were both in utter devastation. My sad and downcast countenance seemed to break this woman's heart. NOW I remember the man's name!

"Um, good afternoon ma'am. My name is Michael Wurth with the Maine Department of Child Services".he said quietly. He seemed confused as to why the woman was crying so bitterly and I would soon find out why that was so. All of his peculiar behavior would be explained. All in all, I could tell he was very new at his job. Dumb fuck! He stuttered as he went on. Perhaps that was why he was so damn silent those six hours! "I have with me…this…this…is Esther Sullivan." he explained. Clumsy ass wasn't helping my case. I turned my head away from her as if I were shy. There were still no words coming from Jennifer. "Esther, I'm going inside to talk to this young woman who will be taking care of you. I want you to wait out here on the porch for a little while her and I talk. Can you do that for me?" me asked. "Yes Mr. Wurth" I mumbled quietly. "Just call me Michael" he said with a comforting smile.

Jennifer didn't at all strike me as menacing. I knew that like my sister she was the gentle type. Michael, dressed in his business casual polo shirt and slacks entered while I was left to wait. I could now tell something was wrong with Michael. He seemed utterly confused as he entered. He was obviously worried for this woman, I leaned up against the railing that lined the wooden porch. I looked up into the bright blue sky and knew that Paul was in Heaven resting with the angels. There would always be a place in my heart for that man even though I never got the chance to tell him how much I truly felt for him. I knew that despite the fact that I had deceived him and his family that he was now at peace. "He's in Heaven now" I said with quiet joy as I stared up at the sky. I felt a sudden peace wash over me despite my acute sadness. I could hear a few people shouting in the distance to one another. I wanted to shout my love for Paul from the highest mountains. I knew it would be a very long while before I made peace with myself over what had happened the day before. As I waxed philosophical with myself I waited…and waited…and waited some more. I'm sure there was paperwork and what not to be filled out. I knew I wasn't being formally adopted by this woman. That takes time. This would surely be what they call a "foster parent" in America. At least I knew she would sympathize with my plight. After awhile I could really hear Jennifer crying hard. "Keep it cool, Leena. She's not going to bite" I assured myself. I wasn't quite sure how to handle myself around this stranger. Sure I would show the true grief that I was feeling for Paul but this was a situation I had never dealt with before or since. Suddenly the tears started again. It seemed as if my mind was going in and out of it's own grief. My emotions often have the habit of taking on a life of their own. Sometimes I can control these emotions and sometimes I cannot do so. I decided that I would let the grief envelop me. It took over an hour of waiting as the late afternoon drew on but finally Michael the dumb ass came back out. Jennifer did not follow.

He was extremely somber. I could tell that he now knew what was going on with me. Without a word he hugged me. "I…I had no clue what happened…I'm so sorry…your family…I mean…I'm sorry, I didn't know" he said sadly. "And why is that?" I asked a little sternly. "I had two children I had to take to Connecticut by coincidence this week and you were one of them. I had the right name and directions but the wrong report. The other girl was just being moved to another family member. I didn't realize you were the one who lost her family. It was a mix-up. I'm so sorry I didn't bother comforting or talking to you. There's no excuse for me. I'm so sorry about all this,.." He continued to ramble to my annoyance. Out of all people I was the one who had to stop him. "Mr. Wurth, it is okay. It won't make me any sadder than I already am. Mommy and daddy and my sister and uncle are in Heaven now." I said sheepishly. Anything to sound innocent and juvenile always helped me out of course. He smiled. I could tell he was at the brink of tears as well. "Yes…yes they are. Your aunt told me everything." he said quietly. I nodded slowly with a sad face. "Is she nice?" I asked as shy as possible. I appeared anxious. "She is so friendly but she is so sad. She is in pain too but you know what? You can have each other from now on. She really wants to meet you. Come inside with me and meet her" he offered in hushed condolence. I couldn't believe I now had to deal with this whole new set of bullshit.

"Come now" he said in a hushed tone as he led me into the house. I felt like having an anxiety attack. Before I could even absorb the atmosphere, Jennifer got down on her knees and embraced me tightly. She sobbed miserably on my shoulder. How awkward to have been me at that moment. She was in so much pain and torment. I still felt like crying and that was exactly what I did. I let out a long sorrowful moan as I let the pain I had caused myself flow like a mighty river out of my soul. "Mr. Wurth", who only a short while ago was clueless about my situation could say nothing as I embraced poor "Aunt Jennifer". I looked up at the ceiling while we wept. I not only wept for Paul but for myself. I wept for my sister who I had not seen in such a long time. I wept for the future that I was forced to throw away. I felt the social worker's hand gently caress my back. I truly wanted somebody to comfort me at this time and I could tell Jennifer Sullivan was no different in that regard. For the first time she finally spoke to me. She had to fight tooth and nail against her sobbing in order to get the words out. "Poor…you poor little thing! You poor child! You poor child!" she said in mourning. "The both of you have a lot of emotions to absorb right now but I know that the two of you will truly bring some peace to each other despite all that has happened." I heard Michael say. "It's all too much!" mourned Jennifer. "My whole world just came crashing down!" she continued. At least I could agree with her on that. Jennifer put her hand on the back on my head and continued to sob horribly. Michael went on speaking. "I'm so sorry…terribly sorry not only the horrific loss that your family has suffered but also for meeting under these circumstances." My nose became stuffy as I wept. At least Jennifer gave a damn about what I was going through at that time and place. There was so much pain that I felt like dying.

"Listen, I do have another client to attend to today but I am going to leave my card on the table here. I know you may need me and just feel free to give me a call when the need arises. I do not want to leave right now on such short notice but I know that the both of you will get through this together and that is going to be a long road ahead of you." Michael told us eloquently yet with such somber tone. Jennifer finally put her hands on either side of my face and stood up. I looked up into her eyes as she stared down into mine. She looked so devoid of life. She shook Michael's hand and thanked him profusely for everything he had done for us. "I suggest that the two of you take plenty of time to mourn together. Right now should be a time for that and nothing else. If you need me for anything and I mean anything I want you to call me." She nodded at him. "Esther, you're a brave little girl having gone through what you did. I want you to know that both your aunt and I are here for you." he reassured me. "Yes sir" I said quietly. I bent down and placed my Bible and my make-up kit on the carpet. He hugged the two of us before it was time for him to leave. "Remember, stay close and call me if you need help." Jennifer thanked him again. "Thank you Michael…for everything…God bless your heart!" she said between her tears. "Thank you and God keep the both of you." With a smile that reassured out hearts that everything would be okay he exited the house and left the two of us alone together. The screen door slammed gently as I was now left with this total stranger.

"Esther, I'm…so sorry for all this." I looked up at her with such grief in my heart. "Don't be…it isn't your fault" I said softly. I dried my tears with my hand. "It isn't right and it isn't fair that this happened. Somebody burned your house down and killed my family…our family. I know your going through so much right now. I can't begin to imagine what your going through sweetie I can't. I've been crying ever since I heard what had happened. Oh, you poor little thing!" She had a lot of compassion towards me. She stood in front of me and softly placed her hands on my shoulders. "Your very nice aunt Jennifer. You remind me of my sister." This was true as she was just as compassionate towards me. "I feel like I know you already." I told her. I continued sniffling as she hugged me again. I placed my chin on her shoulder and felt the emotional burden she was now carrying. Not only did she have to mourn for the loss of her family but now be responsible of "taking care" of me. Part of me wished that I would be an extreme burden on her so that perhaps she would have me placed somewhere else. The other part of me begged me to run back to Syrah. This new home was now a trap made of wood and brick. The doors might as well have been iron bars. I didn't care how compassionate or full of love Jennifer may have felt towards me. I knew none of my plans would come to any kind of fruition if I spent all of my time here. I would concoct a plan but not today. I embraced this young woman back as I realized today was simply a time for the both of us to not only mourn but to try and get acquainted - no matter how awkward that may be. "You poor child! You lost everything…we lost everything! I know I've never met you before but I'm going to love you like you're my own. Your hurting Esther. I don't need to tell you that. I'm here for you, you innocent little thing." I began sobbing loudly again and she rocked me back and forth in her arms. All I could think about were the positive memories that I had made with the Sullivans. So much had been wasted in both time and effort and energy. As happy as a lot of these memories were they stung at my heart. Nothing else mattered in that lonely living room. She stood back up again and led me by the hand over to the couch where we sat down. The hurt in her voice was prevalent. Her grief had to be tearing her apart inside. I was still nervous about this new person who was suddenly thrust into my life.

"Your probably scared Esther. Our family…they…they were killed…mur…murdered." It was so difficult for her to say this. "But I promise you that your going to be safe here. I'm going to do my best to make you feel as comfortable as possible, do you understand? I'm your aunt and I won't let anything in the world cause you anymore harm or pain." She ran her fingers through my black locks of hair. The air felt heavy. "Your safe Esther and together you and I will pull through." She suddenly looked up and asked out loud, "Who would murder my family?" With that she lost it and buried her face into her hands. She sobbed hysterically. You couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her. I kept up the Esther persona and tried to soothe her pain. "Don't worry aunt Jennifer. Mommy and daddy and everyone is in Heaven now. They're angels. They're looking down at us." She looked up at me with red eyes soaked in tears. "Your right Esther. Your so, so right. They're all in Heaven now." She said this as though she were trying to convince herself that that was true. Paul died having learned my secret and I just hoped there wouldn't be a repeat with Jennifer. Jennifer told me to wait as she walked over to an upright mahogany and glass cabinet that was in the room. She took a large book out it and came back on the couch and sat next to me. I immediately placed my head on her shoulder when I realized this was a scrapbook. She was doing her best to stay strong for me. She gingerly opened up the scrapbook. "This is all we have left to remember them by" she said. Inside were endless photos, priceless heirlooms that she would guard with her very life. "Here's your father at Disneyworld with your mother and your sister." she started. I smiled longingly. "Here's last year's school photo of Rebecca." I cracked another smile. "She was so beautiful" I told her.

With a nod she flipped the pages explaining every photo along the way. "There's your uncle James." she said happily. I really had to fake a positive emotion when I saw that picture. I wanted to burn it! My blood boiled at the mere sight of him! She flipped through dozens of photos both old and new alike. There was no question how deeply she cared for everybody. I suddenly came across a photo of me that I remember Veronica having taken. For the first time Jennifer let out a little laugh. "Your parents sent this to me" she explained. I cuddled closer to her. I needed the comfort of another human being. The whole scrapbook was a complete family history but it only reminded me further of my loss. If only the Sullivans didn't believe James. I would still be on top of my game. But now photos were the only relic that either of us had to remember them by…well with me just to remember Paul. Every now and then when she came across a very significant photo she would gently run her hands over it in longing and yearning for what she had now permanently lost. When she finished the scrapbook she gently closed it and proceeded to put it back where it belonged. She brought back a box of tissues and sat back down once more. She put her arms around my shoulder. I was the last "survivor" of the fire to her and I really felt she was already making a concerted effort to help me through the hell we both were in. I cuddled up close next to her as she gently stroked my hair. I closed my eyes and pretended she was Syrah. It brought me some level of peace. I would be in much worse shape had I just remained at the hospital.

I suddenly remembered that I needed to get in contact with Syrah but I would wait for a time when Jennifer would sleep. With the state she was in that could possibly be days. I still needed all of the dresses and the copies of my documentation along with everything else I had left behind in Estonia shipped to me at the absolute earliest time. I wouldn't ask her to use her phone at that moment. I felt very secure in her arms. I knew now that James would never try to torment or abuse me ever again. I knew that demon was now where he belonged. This child-woman that I was could take joy in what I had done to him. I sobbed lightly. I knew I would be this way for days to come. "Esther, everything is going to be alright. What happened was not your fault. I hope they kill whoever did this to them." she said with a tinge of anger. Oh, if only she knew. If only she knew. "Your hugging their killer, lady" I thought. Ever time I was embraced by somebody for any reason I was always reminded that they had no idea of who gentle little Esther REALLY was. Every time I hugged somebody it felt like a lie. Like a total deception but that is not to say that it bothered me on any level.

Just to be embraced for the day reminded me that things can and would get better. I tried desperately to find a ray of light in the blackest darkness I found myself wallowing in. "I have a spare bedroom you can use. I don't want you to isolate yourself today Esther. I hate that I have to get to know you considering what has happened. I wanted to meet my new niece so badly and this is how it had to happen. I don't want you blaming or getting angry at yourself for anything because of what happened." Her tears stained her cheeks. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes tightly. She wanted to stay strong for my sake but there was no way she could contain her inner torment. Her shoulders heaved up and down as she wept. "Why did God let this happen to us? Oh God, whhhyyyyy? Whyyyyy?" she moaned desperately. I asked myself the same question. Maybe God was punishing me for my past transgressions. Maybe I was cursed in some way by God. As little "Esther" it was my job to try and comfort my so-called "aunt". I took her hands in mine in understanding. "I can't believe I have to bury my brothers. My niece. My sister in-law. I don't think I can take this!" she said full of hurt. "Don't worry Esther. Whoever did this is going to pay the price. They're not going to get away. I promise you that as my niece." she said defiantly. I added onto what she said. "Why would somebody hurt our family? Why would that happen?" I asked innocently while holding back the tears. She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly in confusion. She had no clue why something like this would happen. It scared me that the authorities in Maine were investigating the fire. It scared me that "the killer" was now being hunted. Even now I worried that the police might knock down the door at anytime. I had to suppress these thoughts as best as I could. As we stood there she pressed my head against her chest and sobbed. I was limp in her arms. "Why does life have to be like this? Who would do this? Who would do this? God, WHY? WHY?" she said mournfully. She quickly let go of me. She clenched her fists and slammed her foot on the floor. "WHHHHYYYY?" she cried out loudly.

She finally collapsed to her knees. The gravity of what had happened was truly settling in now. I could only stand there and watch. Her grief was now making me feel all the more miserable. She sobbed and sobbed and began slamming her fists on the carpet. She was feeling to whole gamut of negative emotions. I remained downcast in my own misery. For a few minutes she was in almost a tantrum before she calmed down and finally collected herself. She stood up on her knees. "I'm sorry Esther…I didn't mean for you to see that." she said. "It's okay…I understand, I was the same way yesterday." I told her. Truly I did throw a tantrum of desperation when I watched that house go up in flames. I knew where her pain was coming from. Still, although I could empathize with Jennifer, I really didn't care much for her. The compassion that "Esther" showed was all just a mask. She was still just a stranger to me no matter how much she cared. I was hundreds of miles away from Maine and even farther away from Syrah. What did I care for Jennifer? I felt like I was even worse off than she was. She wiped her eyes with a tissue and stood back up. "It's going to take awhile for me to accept this." she said calmly.

"Aunt Jennifer, I wish there was something I could have done to stop that fire. I ran outside when it happened. I didn't even see who did this. I feel so alone." I told her sorrowfully. "No Esther, your aunt Jennifer is here for you now. Your not alone anymore. I know your lost. Come here and let me hold you!" She once again embraced me. I think she was trying to find as much comfort from me as I was from her. She sobbed into my dress. "Your just a child…to have all that taken from you. To have everything taken from me. From the both of us." I allowed her to let her emotions run free on me. I tried to think positively. Something good had to come out of this. I had to find something positive in this massive amount of loss I had suffered. Was Jennifer this "positive" aspect even in her current state? What could I gain from her that would benefit me? I always thought of ways on how to use and manipulate others. She could cry forever for all I cared. All I knew was that I had to find away out of this house as quickly as possible. There was no man in sight. No child for me to raise. I couldn't just run off to an orphanage like I did when I took the train to Russia. Things were different in this country. I was in too much pain to think of any potential plans at the time being. All Jennifer and I could do was to stay close and try to remember what we had lost. No words would bring me comfort. No amount of hugging or being embraced was going to bring my Paul back from the grave.

I still felt completely justified in what I had done. I HAD to do it! I HAD TO DO IT! Still, how would I ever redeem myself for having hurt my love? I was looking for redemption even if I did feel justified. I was hoping that his spirit would forgive me for what I had done to him. I would give almost anything just to be held by him one final time. Just to be given a kiss one more time. Just to BE with him for one last time. I never felt such love for a man as I had with Paul. His sister was now all that I had left that linked me with the Sullivans. I wanted desperately to look for Paul in her. Somewhere within her personality. Somewhere within her very soul. I wanted to find that one scrap of him that I could hold onto to. I couldn't see anything in Jennifer's eyes. Nothing but hurt and sorrow and almost unimaginable pain. At the same time, did Jennifer see Leena Klammer in me? Did she see the violent psychopath that lurked underneath the dress and the powdered face? What could she see in my own eyes? Did she just see the pain and suffering within me or did she something more sinister? What clues were I giving her? She let go of me and blew her nose into her tissue. "I wish we could both wake up…that this is some terrible dream. Some terrible nightmare." she said in quiet pain. "Just know again that I'll be here for you Esther. I want you to be here with me. You need me even more. I'm just glad that you made it out alive. It's a miracle that I don't have to bury you too!" she said. "We'll be with them again one day, aunt Jennifer. Doesn't that make you feel happy?" I said childishly. She wiped her eyes once more. "Yes…yes it does. One day Esther. Some day." she said assuringly.

I realized that even though I now had a place to stay once more that there were still many days of uncertainty lying ahead. Just as I felt when I escaped from the Saarne Institute, when I left Syrah for Russia, and finally when I came to America, once again I had to deal with uncertainty. Uncertainty was always my constant companion. It was with me when I placed my head on the pillow at night and when I awoke in the morning. I never seemed to be sure of my future. Uncertainty never seemed to leave my side. When would I ever get a true chance to settle down? To make a family? Am I doomed to be Esther for the rest of my life? Hopping from orphanage to orphanage, from family to family? To have my hopes raised to their highest level only to have them smashed again? I constantly had to gather up every ounce of my strength in order to carry on. I had to wonder how much longer I could continue with this illusion before I simply burned myself out. When would that fuse blow? Carry on Leena…just carry on!

**In Chapter 22, Leena/Esther finds herself adjusting to yet another strange household but she soon finds that Jennifer is not quite the person she seemed to be at first. In the meantime, Leena struggles hard to keep in character without breaking but also begins showing the characteristics of her true self as well.**


	22. Words Of Wisdom

**In Chapter 21, Leena was taken to Paul's sister, Jennifer Sullivan, who had agreed to take her in after the fire. An emotional introduction ensues and Leena laments to herself about having to adjust to yet another new environment. As we shall now see, Leena once again urgently contacts her sister and a very engaging conversation ensues…**

The house was silent. So deeply silent. The kind of silence that makes a person uneasy. The first day at Jennifer Sullivan's house had ran the complicated course of emotions. From immense grief to fond memories to uncertainty about my future. Now the house was quiet. The day had long since vanished into the inky darkness of the lonesome night. Jennifer had went to her bedroom but I highly doubt she was sleeping. I had decided to stay downstairs and simply sit and ponder everything that had gone wrong within my own life. A personal inventory check of sorts. It certainly wasn't the first time I had done this. I sat on her couch and had a hard time gathering my thoughts. While I sat in this stranger's house, Paul was surely lying on a cold metal slab in some morgue. Or at least what was left of him after the flames consumed flesh and bone alike. My thoughts drifted constantly back and forth between myself, Paul, and of course Syrah back home in Estonia. It was past midnight and the day was too long than I cared to admit. I wanted to wait until Jennifer fell asleep or at least at a time late in the night. A time such as right now. I had to call Syrah. I HAD to call Syrah because it was an absolute necessity for me to get in touch with her. The dresses, paperwork copies, accessories, what made "Leena" into "Esther" was sitting all the way across the ocean. I also wanted to soothe the hell I had inadvertently placed her in. I had made her an emotional wreck more time then Ii can count. My poor sister shouldn't suffer from what I do to myself or others but what would one expect otherwise from their loved one?

The small lamp in the corner was the only source of light. I pulled out my pocket mirror from my make-up kit. Time to touch things up yet again. I gently powdered the entirety of my face. Powder did a good job at hiding my true age. No need for any more make-up. No, not now. After all it was late into the night. I thought for a moment about that distraught woman in her bedroom. Jennifer was just the latest fool to be taken in by my ploy. I had wracked my mind all day as to how I was going to get out of this household and resume my "quest" for lack of a better term. The fucking quest I never could reach the conclusion of. Much of my own mourning was being replaced by anger and frustration that I couldn't make things work for me here in America. I had to think about my own needs right now. "Where the fuck is her cell phone. She has to have one somewhere" I said to myself softly. I began searching the downstairs. I could not help but notice that this house was nowhere near the size of Paul's. I searched for a few brief moments before I found it lying on the kitchen counter in plain sight. I had to be careful to not get caught like I did when I had used Rebecca's phone without permission. I quietly and softly picked it up. I suddenly became that the silence was being broken by Jennifer's crying. It drifted hauntingly down the stairs. I was the cause of her pain and I could still care less. I was worried about myself not her or what she was feeling.

It took me a moment to remember Syrah's phone number. It was early morning in Estonia but after midnight where I was. I figured Syrah would certainly be awake by now despite the fact she often stayed up late especially having found out everything that had happened. She always seemed to get by on only a few hours worth of sleep. I dialed and let it ring. "Hello, this is Syrah Klammer. I'm not around right now but it you leave me a message" came her voice in her beautiful Estonian accent. "Fucking voicemail!" I said in frustration. I tried dialing one more time. After a few rings she finally picked up. I heard a sniffling followed by "hello?", she seemed to have been crying. "Syrah, my dear it's me again!" I exclaimed in Estonian. "LEENA! WHERE ARE YOU? I'M GOING CRAZY THINKING ABOUT YOU!" she exclaimed loudly. She was clearly in a distraught state. With Syrah now knowing that I had just murdered 4 people I figured there would be no effective way to help in calming her down. "OH GOD! WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT IS…", she trailed off in confusion. "Syrah, stay calm. I'm okay. They took me to some state called Connecticut. Long way from where I was before. I'm safe. My cover is still safe. Please stop crying. You know I hate it when you cry." I told her softly. She sobbed lightly but kept her overall composure. "Oh God, Leena! I haven't slept since yesterday. I can't sleep knowing what you just did. I'm so scared for you. I'm so scared over what your becoming once again…God, whyyyyy?" she sobbed. "Syrah" I whispered soothingly. "WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME! WHY? TELL ME, LEENA KLAMMER!" she shouted into the phone in desperation followed by heavier crying.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you what happened. I knew you would be like this when I called. I never meant to hurt you Syrah, you know that." I told her as calmly as I could. "Oh, but you'll hurt four innocent people" she retorted. "You broke it Leena…you broke our promise…I don't care if that family found out who you really were you could have fled back to me and you KNOW IT!" she hissed. "I still say that I'm responsible for causing this! I let you leave for America. How could I have been so STUPID! STUPID! FUCKING STUPID! STUPID FUCKING ME! GOD DAMNIT!" she moaned hysterically. "Syrah, you couldn't foresee what has happened. It's not your fault. I told you that the last time we spoke" I told her understandingly. "YOU MURDERED THOSE POOR PEOPLE! YOU'VE BROKEN MY HEART, LEENA! YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST! You destroyed my faith in you!" she whined. This statement stabbed at me. I've always said that my sister is the only person in the world whom I would never hurt in any way and I couldn't help but fall into a sudden depression over what I had caused her. "Your putting me through HELL! Do you know THAT?" she said emphatically. I was silenced by her words. I felt a lump forming in my throat and had to hold back the torrent of tears that wished to escape. I could barely hold the phone as my knees wobbled and I was forced to sit down. "I mean my God, Leena. You raised your hand and looked me in the eye and SWORE you wouldn't harm ANYBODY for ANY reason and now look at you. Your not just putting me through hell your putting that poor woman your staying with through hell too. What do you have to say for yourself? WHAT? FUCKING ANSWER ME GOD DAMNIT!" she said angrily. "How many more lives must you destroy? Huh? 20? 40? " she added. I bit my lower lip and desperately did my best to keep from breaking down.

"I feel like having a panic attack right now because of you. Your just as sick now as you were when you went into the hospital. Your so selfish! You don't think about anybody but yourself!' I finally started to cry softly. Syrah spoke more. "That's right Leena. You should be crying right now. Think of all the pain you caused for the relatives and friends of that family. The misery you have caused! This is the second family Leena. You're as sick and deluded as ever! What kind of demons are still inside you? Huh?" she said in a fit of anger. "You weren't this angry when I called you last time". Those were the only words I could get out. "You hanged up on me before I could tell you how I feel" she explained. "The world doesn't belong to you Leena. You have NO RIGHT to throw away lives even if you were in the danger you claimed to be in. "I couldn't let myself get caught Syrah. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being confined" I wept softly. "All you had to do Leena was hide somewhere and called me and I would've brought your papers and taken you home with me" she retorted once more. "I was in such a panic. Paul freaked out and was throwing things. I seen him through the window. All I could think about was making sure nobody told." I tried desperately to explain. Syrah calmed herself although that had to have been extremely difficult for her to do. "You can say what you want Leena and I understand what your telling me and I believe you but there is still no excuse! For such an intelligent woman you don't use your head too much!" she said. She suddenly became quieter and more collected as I let out a long sob into the phone. "I'm as angry as I've ever been with you Leena but I want you back here in Estonia. I want you where I can watch you. You need help, I can help you Leena. I still love you no matter what you do. Come home! Come back to your sister! Your out of control now! Are you blind to the pain that you've caused?" she pleaded. "No, Syrah, I understand full well the gravity of everything. I'm crying because I've hurt you. I'm crying because I've crushed your trust in me and broke your heart." Syrah sighed. "You should be crying for that family instead" she replied.

After a brief pause she went on. "If you killed four more people what is going to stop you from doing it again and again and again?" she reasoned. "I'm sorry but you can say you won't do it ever again all you want, I simply can't place my trust in such a promise anymore coming from you." Once again there was an awkward and strange silence between the two of us. "I'm grateful your not turning me in. But why Syrah?" I asked. "Leena, don't get me wrong. You DESERVE to be incarcerated for what you did but I know without a doubt that you need a lot of help as well. You certainly didn't get help when you were arrested or when you spent six years at the Saarne Institute. Believe me I want you to feel and understand all the pain and suffering you have caused up til now and at the same time I want this madness to stop. To go away but as selfish as it sounds to the people you killed I don't want my baby sister to rot in some hospital or prison. That is why I want you to come home to me. I'm a positive influence on you. I want to help you. Please, PLEASE, PLEASE, come home!" she begged. The urgency and yearning in her voice almost made me want to grant her her wish. "Syrah, I'm more desperate than ever to make things finally work for me in my life. Every time my dreams are within reach they are swept away from me like a tidal wave or something. I want to keep pushing on…" Syrah stopped me. "That is bullshit Leena! I told you before that you won't be able to prance around pretending to be a little girl and then all of a sudden have a man who adopted you fall in love with you and leave his wife for his adopted daughter. Do you know how insane the words out of your mouth sound at times? Do you ever listen to yourself? Do you ever truly think hard about your plans?" she lamented in desperation.

"It would have worked had James never entered the scene" I replied sharply. Syrah suddenly laughed sarcastically. "And how do you know that?" she asked. "What could possibly make you feel that everything would just fall into place this time around?" she asked in equal sarcasm. "I never even got a chance to act on my plans. Now we'll never know how things could have been. Maybe it wouldn't work and maybe it would have. Your right about that but I'm willing to take those sort of extreme risk with my life Syrah" Syrah once again had a sharp response. "And look where you at now in life. Now your in some stranger's house who you don't even like. You probably have no plans on what to do now. Now your worse off again. But don't think for one second that I didn't want the best in life for you Leena. You're my heart and soul and I'll always love you but your just wasting your time and life away doing what your doing not to mention the lives of those poor people who you threw away like yesterday's garbage!" I took a deep breath. "I understand, Syrah" I could tell she was putting a lot of effort into remaining calm as she continued.

"Don't get me wrong, my sister, I know that your sick. I acknowledge that. I know there are times when you cannot control yourself. Now maybe what happened with this family was one of those occasions but you can never find a reason to excuse your own actions or to try to rationalize it. You are a very sick woman Leena. I mean look at all the abuse we seen and experienced growing up. I can see how some of that formed you into the person that you are today but that doesn't mean I don't love you any less. It's strange. I want to not only protect you but protect people from you. Do you understand my love?" she said in a soft voice. Her accent was soothing. "There is nothing you can do that will make me love you any less. I love you more than you'll ever know. I love you more than words can describe. That is why I worry endlessly about you" she said in a hushed tone. "Oh God, I love you too Syrah. I love you so much. You're the only person on this fucking planet who has figured me out. Do you think I want to see you hurting over what I've done? Fuck no! FUCK NO! But I can see where your coming from. I do see what your talking about." I hoped my words would ring true with her. "Leena, there has to be some point in your life where you realize that you need to change your life and turn everything around. Even as sick as you are I know you are very intelligent and agree with me on this. When are you going to realize that being violent and cruel won't get you anywhere in life? When will you realize that this silly game of yours won't ever work? Your living in some sort of daydream that your trying so hard to turn into a reality. When will this ever come to an end?" Her questions stung me. "Syrah, let me say this, I've always envied you. I've always looked up to you and you know that as well as I do. I want to have my own home like you do. You even had a husband before your divorce. You have a career. You have a lot of money. Your everything I want to emulate. I want all of these things plus more." I hoped she would understand. "Firstly Leena, I've always told you that what is mine is yours. I'll share anything with you. I have absolutely zero problem with that. There's nothing wrong with wanting the things that you want, Leena. It's the way your going about it that I'm trying to make you understand. The fact that you're willing to reduce yourself to pretending to be a child shows me at least that you are strong willed and very determined but also how destroyed your psyche really is. I think you're going around like a little girl because you want to recreate that sick relationship you had when you were little between you and father. I'm disgusted at what he did to us!" she said.

"All those years of abuse. You think it was love but it was abuse. It has damaged your mind and soul so badly. I wonder why you act and do the things that you do. It's completely beyond belief Leena! Now another family has to rot in the ground because of this lunacy!" I finally wanted to add my two cents. "Syrah, we can go on and on about why I act the way that I do. We can dissect it in any way that you want. I honestly don't understand myself about why I do the things that I do sometimes and that is the honest truth! Like the two times I tried to French kiss you and you stopped me from going any further. I can be impulsive and we both can admit to that." Syrah took a pause and then spoke some more. "That is what worries me so damn much. Your impulsiveness has cost people their lives. What is going through your mind when your doing these horrible things? Isn't there anything inside of you, even the tiniest inkling that what you're doing is evil itself?" she asked.

"I know in my mind it's wrong but like I told you before it's like something else seems to take over me when I snap. It's something I really can't control Syrah. The impulses just take over. What just happened to the Sullivans was an impulse for my own self-preservation and I know you're going to say that is not an excuse but I'm just explaining my side of the coin to you." Syrah and I both remained calm as our conversation continued. Syrah talked quietly and seemed to measure her words. "The bottom line Leena is that more people died because I let you leave my home. More people had to pay the price. It doesn't matter if it was something you felt you absolutely had to do. The point is they are dead and they would still be living had I made you stay put. I now have to live with that for the rest of my life. I'm so conflicted Leena. I want to keep you a free woman because I love you and never want to see you rot in a hospital or jail ever again but I want to protect others from all the rage you keep inside. I don't need to say that again to you. The fact that you had the coldness and audacity to do such a thing. It makes me frightened of you."

"I understand, Syrah but I need to tell you that I loved Paul, the man who welcomed me into his family. I fell in love with him the first time I set eyes on him. I used to sleep in my room at night and go to bed happy with thoughts of him and I being together. James was the only one I TRULY wanted to kill because I told you before a long time ago about how he beat me back in Estonia. He beat me within an inch of my very life. What's done is now done. I never intended things to end this way but I'm still determined Syrah to hang in there until things work out." Syrah now seemed a little pissed. "You're still not understanding that this whole "Esther" crap that you keep pulling is never going to work. Your deluded to think it ever will. Sooner or later you'll figure that out and it's a shame I can't seem to convince you otherwise because your romantic advances WILL get turned down every time, Leena. I can promise you that and I don't mean to sound pessimistic but you need to see reality for what it is. I hope one day you will before anybody else gets hurt or you yourself, God forbid, winds up dead or hurt or thrown back into some horrible jail or hospital. Please think about what I am telling you. You're the only sister I have. You're the only family member I have left. I need you and you need me. I just want everybody including you to be safe. I wish I could make you happy in some way that doesn't involve what you are trying to do right now." My sister's words did touch my heart deeply but we remained divided.

"How is your mental state right now, Leena? Are you still feeling violent? What has been going through your head?" she said concerned. "I'm just as distraught as you are Syrah. I'm just as distraught as the woman who took me in." I said. "And what is this woman's name?" Syrah asked. "Jennifer Sullivan, she's the brother of Paul and that asshole James." Syrah once again seemed to become upset. "And if only she knew Leena what you had done. This woman now lets you stay with her and you're the one who took her family away. You have some nerve to play her the way that you're doing right now." she said sharply. "I didn't come here by choice Syrah. I HAD no choice and I already fucking hate it here. You right what you said earlier. I don't have any plans for what to do right now. I can't even think straight." said earnestly. "You can't think straight? Well what else is new?" she said in pissed off sarcasm. She suddenly calmed back down and talked to me gently once more. She sighed. "Your just so sick Leena. So very ill. I can tell from the way your talking. I can sense your illness, even when you were back here at the house I knew things still weren't right with you. The way you were confined. A damn straight jacket. How could a person ever expect for you to improve in any way. But just because your sick still doesn't give you some kind of permission to what ever the hell you want. You place no value on the lives of others. Do you feel the same way about me, Leena? Do you feel that way about your older sister? Would you kill and toss me away if I pushed you to far?" she asked in grief. "NO! NO! NO! I would never hurt you Syrah. I'm so attached to you. I'm dependant on you in a lot of ways. I love you to death! I'll admit Syrah…I'm absolutely in love with you. I fell in love with you years ago. I could never do anything to hurt you no matter what you might do to me." Syrah sobbed lightly. "That's so disgusting…you're IN LOVE with me, just like with father. You know so much better than that. Oh God, Leena, you're wasting your whole life away now. You had so much potential to be a positive influence. I don't know how to get you on the right track. I want to hope against hope that some light will shine in that dark hell you are in and that you will see the truth that I am talking to you about. You've lived such a hard life!" she cried.

"Syrah, stop crying now. I know everything is emotional. I've been crying since yesterday, Syrah. Yes, things are bad here but I'm staying put. You need not worry because I'll figure something out. I promise that." I pleaded. "I swear Leena, you better not do anything to hurt that poor woman you are with. She is not some piece of trash! I swear to God, Leena. I just want you to come back to Europe" she hissed angrily. Like myself she was now on a seesaw of emotions that kept changing. "Syrah, I need to change the subject really quick. I need you to do me a favor. I'm down to just one dress, my make-up kit, and my Bible. I need you to send me EVERYTHING I left behind. I had so much I couldn't fit into those two suitcases. I have false documents, dresses, shoes, tights, ribbons, more make-up, coats, so much shit. I know there has to be at least a dozen dresses remaining. I need you to ship them to me overnight from Estonia. PLEASE, Syrah! I need you to do this for me!" I begged. Ii hoped to God she would relent. "I really don't want to enable this whole "Esther" bullshit for another day, Leena. I'm sure you figured that out a long time ago. But since you insist on staying where you are and since I refuse to turn you in, I'll overnight everything. It'll be expensive but I'll do it for you. You need to keep in mind that if you were anyone else I would have turned you in by now. I'm not turning you in not because you don't deserve to be punished. Oh, trust me, you DESERVE it. Again, it's because I don't want to see you rot in some cell. I still want to hope that I can change or influence you somehow. I'll say it again just like I told you here at the house that my number one concern that keeps me up is that your going to continue being violent. You need to start making the proper decisions with your life. You need to think long and hard about the consequences of your actions and not just about the consequences for yourself but for the people you are hurting."

She went on. She certainly felt like doing most of the calling. "I feel like our relationship is being eroded by everything that is going on. That is not to say I don't love you any less but you keep forcing me to look at you in a negative way. It's so stressful for me. I want so badly to have a positive relationship with you. I try to find something positive in your soul but I can't find anything. Whatever light you had within you has long since vanished. Leena, PLEASE, PLEASE control yourself! Try a hundred and ten percent! Even in your sick mind I think if you applied yourself that you CAN change! The fact that I'm even allowing you to continue going around as Esther causes me so much guilt. My hands are tied though because I love you so fucking much I just can't bring myself to turn you in. The right thing to do would be to turn you in. In fact it's wrong, it's morally and ethically reprehensible for me to do otherwise but my love is that strong for you. Do you understand that? It's that damn strong! So tell me where to send everything and I'll go ahead and do that today."

There was a slight pause. "Where do I send everything?" I felt delighted by this! "799 Hart Street in Stamford, Connecticut, USA, I don't know the zip code. Just look it up online Syrah and thank you so much!" I said happily. "I shouldn't even fucking be doing this" she muttered. "I'm just so horrified by your state of mind. Horrified FOR your state of mind. Actions always speak louder than words, Leena. I'm sending you everything out of love and only love. If you choose to keep going around as Esther, I can't control you. I can only try to guide you and watch over you but that is all the more difficult considering where we both are. I'll let you go as Esther, but I'm not asking, I'm DEMANDING that you call me if anything is going wrong. If you're feeling violent or unstable. Talk to me, darling! I may be upset and terrified over everything that you've told me but that doesn't mean I don't want to help you. There is no justification for what I am doing for you, either. Letting you go about your business like this makes me sick. I feel like that by doing this I'm putting innocent people in serious danger. I feel so guilty now but love causes people to do strange things though. I guess that is the case between you and I. I know somebody else in my position would probably do otherwise. The fact that people may be at risk just because I don't want you to suffer is wrong but of course that is not to say that I WANT you to suffer. I want the complete opposite for you in life from this point forward Need I say more in regards to that?"

"Syrah, I'm just going to take things one day, even one moment at a time. If I look at the bigger picture I'll only become distraught and confused and all that shit. I'm unbelievably grateful that you're not going to the authorities about this. It would be all too easy to have me arrested once and for all, believe me, I know that. I know you feel guilty. I just killed four people. I guess every average person would say that I should be punished and you say so too but your actions…I love you Syrah SO MUCH! I miss you every damn day since I have left you. You are always on my mind. I just want to thank you for being such a great sister to me. That is why I would never hurt you and that is why I love you as much as you love me. We're forever, Syrah. It's as simple as that." I said while trying to hold back the tearful emotions I was experiencing. Who can call me an absolute monster when I had feelings such as this? "Leena, your welcome and you no damn well I feel the same way for you, but this is your last chance I am going to allow you. If I find out that any more people have fallen victim to you then I will have no choice but to have you stopped. This time around I want to believe so badly that you will make a change for the better even if I don't see any evidence to the contrary. Even with the knowledge of the horror that you have just unleashed. Even with the knowledge of your ruthlessness. The fact that you have such strong emotions shows me that at least some part of your soul is still alive, even if the light has burned out. Let that part of you flourish, Leena. Let it blossom and get that evil part out of you once and for all. PLEASE, I beg of you, don't hurt anyone else, Leena! I don't want to see you incarcerated ever again and please don't put me in such a position where that has to happen. I know there is so much going through our heads right now. I feel dizzy, Leena. But I want you to make an effort to change even if your ill. That is why I want you to keep in touch so desperately. So I can keep guiding you." she sobbed. "God created you with a purpose in mind and it certainly isn't the way you are going right now." she said in a hushed whisper. She sounded more hoarse.

"I'll sure as hell make the effort Syrah and you have my word, I'll contact you if anything goes awry. It's been an emotional call Syrah. It really has been and you have made me so grateful to you. I can never repay you for everything that you have done for me. All the effort you're exerting. Try to get some sleep Syrah and I'll do the same." I said soothingly. I wanted her to stay calm before we disconnected. "Just think about everything we've talked about. Remember and think about everything. Absorb my message and remember to call me. I wrote down Jennifer's address. Make sure you wait in the morning for the package to arrive. I'll sleep once I send it out. I love you to death Leena. Please stay calm and stay safe. Try and take it easy over there." I smiled to myself. "Thank you again Syrah. Thank you! I'll be back in touch with you again shortly. Maybe in the next day or two. I love you more than life itself. Have a nice day, Syrah."

"And have a nice night, Leena. Good night and goodbye. I love you!", she said softly. "I love you too, goodbye for now." With that being said I hung up but made sure to erase the number from the phones call history. Hopefully she wouldn't notice on her phone bill! Certainly Syrah had given me plenty of food for thought but I wasn't going to compromise my dreams for anybody. All I could do was be thankful that I wasn't in handcuffs. I know that it sounds so self-centered when taking those murders into account. I was grateful that the police were hunting pedophiles for Samantha's killer as opposed to me. I was grateful the cops were searching for some other person in relation to the murder of the Sullivans. For the first time I felt like I was in the clear. That I was finally out of the woods. I actually did want to listen to my sister. She always knew the right things to say. I didn't want to wound her any further than I already had. It wasn't because I gave a shit for the people I killed (except for Paul, of course), it was because I gave a shit about my older sister and how she felt. I would tread upon the ashes of those I had exterminated without a second thought but I wanted her to be happy. She wanted me to be happy. I found myself still lost in such a vast sea of uncertainty and self-doubt. A sea that I could never cross in a single span. I didn't care what she said about going home to her. I was determined to stay for the long haul…no matter how long that may be. I'd do this shit for a decade if I had to! I knew there would be no inner peace until I found that man who would treat me right. This house felt so hollow and devoid of life. I could still hear Jennifer sobbing from upstairs. The dumb bitch didn't even bother to feed my dinner. At least with Syrah and the Sullivans I always had a hot meal. I rummaged through the cabinets. Fucking graham crackers were all I could find along with some cheese in the fridge. I sat down and ate. Not much of a meal but it was something. I was so worn out, so very tired. The whole reality of my situation had by now fully sank in. Jennifer kept moaning. "Shut the fuck up already! Don't you know I feel the same way?" I muttered softly in Estonian. I had learned some things about Jennifer today. She was unemployed and living in near poverty although she kept her house neat and tidy. She didn't appear poor at least.

I heard her yelling upstairs. "God nooooooo, Paul, James, Rebecca, Veronica!…WHY GOD, why did you take them from me like this?" she cried. If only she knew I fucked James long ago only for me to suffer the most brutal beating I could imagine at his hands. WHY GOD, did THAT have to happen to me? That fucking sicko sex tourist got everything he deserved and more. I knew when I laid eyes on him again when he arrived at the Sullivans that I was going to wind up killing that motherfucker! Apparently Jennifer had no idea about her brother James' darker side. Syrah and I were the only two people on Earth who knew what really happened to the Sullivans. I am all too willing to share anything with Syrah because I know that I can always trust her with anything I divulge to her. I was still fearful that perhaps she would rethink her decision and go ahead and contact the authorities somewhere down the line. I knew she wouldn't go behind my back like that. As I finished eating I heard Jennifer's bedroom door open. I watched as she slowly descended the stairs. She was an absolute emotional wreck not too much different from how I was only a short time before. She seen me in the kitchen. I immediately took on the "sad" look. "I'm so sorry you have to see me break down like this." she told me almost gasping for air. She was really balling up there. "It's fine aunt Jennifer. We all need to be sad right now." I told her innocently. She smiled slightly and came over to me. "Your such a doll! We're really going to need each other now." said the poor shell of a woman who stood before me. I nodded slowly still maintaining my façade. "Are you going to bed?" she asked. "Yes, I was just eating something because I was hungry. I haven't eaten in so long. My tummy hurt." I cooed. She seemed sympathetic and promised to cook for me tomorrow. "By the way aunt Jennifer and please don't get mad. I called my sister on your phone in Estonia and she is sending me clothing and stuff in the mail very soon." I figured I might as well tell her as the package is coming anyways. "Honey, that's an expensive call. Please ask first next time, okay?" I once again nodded in obedience. "Your sister sounds so wonderful" she added. "More than you can ever imagine" I said cracking an innocent smile that still reflected the pain that I felt. Now all I could think about was getting a hot meal inside me. "The dumb bitch better cook something" I thought. She went into the bathroom that was on the first floor while I made my way upstairs to the sparse bedroom that awaited me. Not much of a room. A small TV, a hard, uncomfortable bed to lie on and a blanket. I decided not to take my dress off as I had no nightgowns until my very large package from Syrah arrives.

At least that would be one less thing for me to have to worry about. Then I could finally figure out some plan. That was a given. I HAD to think of someway out of here that didn't involve any violence. After all I had to be kept absolutely above and kind of suspicion. Sometimes things like that take awhile to come to me. My emotional state of mind at that moment kept me from really thinking too straight. I lied there and fell into a deep depression.

I could hear cars passing in the distance as I thought about every single detail that my sister had relayed to me over the phone. The pain in her voice. The panic she seemed to be feeling. It was all because of me and it was all for me. I felt sick to my stomach that I could hurt the only person in the world who loves me like that. She certainly never did anything wrong to me. I knew I was the only one to blame for her grief and devastation. Would she still get another restless night of sleep? Going back to Estonia was no doubt out of the question but deep inside I knew that would be the only thing that would ever bring back my sister's peace of mind. If I knocked on her door and we held each other in our embrace then she would know that everything would truly be alright. That I and "everyone else" would be safe. My poor Syrah was now as conflicted and troubled as I was. If she didn't care she wouldn't be the way she is towards me. She is like the mother that I lost as a toddler. She fills that role and always has. She's the mother hen and I'm the little chick. It sounds absurd that two adult sister's who are both in their thirties have such a relationship but that is honestly how it always has been. What hurt the most was the rage she flew into about the murders but then again who could truly blame her for that? If Syrah ever killed somebody I would be shocked but I certainly would want to keep her out of trouble as well. Had my sister not been so generous I could have very well been sitting in a jail cell rather than this bedroom…as dismal and dark as it may be.

I tried to close my mind and clear my thoughts. My mind just raced and raced. So many thoughts wanted my attention at once. So many emotions vying for my attention. I had to ignore myself as I heard Jennifer slowly ascend the stairs. "Good night, Esther." she said. "Good night, aunt Jennifer. We'll see each other in the morning." I replied. With that she walked past my door and into her own room. The door closed quietly behind her. I still was flabbergasted that I had to stay with this idiot. I mean if she had a husband or boyfriend I would certainly have thought differently but of course the situation was otherwise. Suddenly the door opened back up and I heard her walk downstairs again after only a moment or two.

I figured she was just restless and wanted to relax downstairs. I continued to lay under the covers for a few minutes before I decided that I didn't really want to be alone tonight. Even if I didn't like this woman I wouldn't mind being in her company if it brought me even the slightest of comfort. About five minutes or so after she descended the stairs I decided to go down as well. She had once again resumed her loud sobbing. Yes, it was annoying and in some way it was pissing me off to high hell because I wanted QUIET! I slowly descended the stairs and stood about halfway down the staircase. I saw Jennifer Sullivan sitting in the living room and I saw a shocking side of her that I hadn't yet seen. She was wearing a t-shirt and some sweat pants. She was a mess overall. She materialized a small razor blade and held her right arm out. Suddenly and without fear or hesitation she began to cut deeply into her arm with the razorblade. I had never done this myself and I was quite fascinated by the sight I was beholding. Her shoulders heaved up and down pathetically as the miserable creature continued to draw her own blood. She cut small one inch lines vertically across her arm on both sides. The bright red blood oozed from the open wounds. I hadn't noticed any scars on her at all today. Maybe this was something she had done before or maybe not. She herself truly had a dark side. I backed up the stairs slowly and continued to watch just out of her sight. She bit her lip and wept heavily with each cut. She took a tissue and wiped the blood away. This must have been some sort of mental pain relief for her. She certainly wasn't the person I thought of her to be. Yet again people can do stupid shit in their darkest moments. I need not mention me as an example! The cuts appeared to be deep. She really was hurting herself for the hell of it. Oh, but something else was about to shock me.

She had her purse sitting on the table in front of her. The dim light of the lamp cast her shadow upon the wall as she dug into it. She materialize a metal spoon, a syringe with a needle already attached, and some black substance within a bag. "Heroin!" I thought to myself, "This bitch is totally fucked up!" I thought as I continued watching her .I remained as quiet as could be as she put the black substance and placed it on the spoon. She then took out a lighter and lit the spoon from underneath. In a few moments the substance had melted into a black viscous liquid. She let it cool for a few moments before putting the needle into the liquid. She pulled up the plunger and in it went; The next thing I seen was very fascinating. Rather than injecting it into her arm she placed it on the jugular vein of her throat. With a hiss the disheveled woman slowly injected the drug. She quickly took the needle away and wiped the blood from the area. She then buried her head into her arms and sobbed and sobbed. I very slowly and carefully backed up the stairs and went back into my room. I very gently closed the wooden door behind me and was intrigued by this side of Jennifer Sullivan. A cutter? A drug addict? She might have as many "personal demons" as I do! You have to pat Social Services on the back for this one. Giving a "child" to a cutter/drug addict without even knowing it. Personally, I despise drug use. I've never been attracted to them. I've seen enough of that crap with the men I slept with as a prostitute. It always caused those men to become aggressive and angry with me. It was an incredible turn of events that this woman was truly like this. It was funny thinking about it. Both of us were keeping very dark secrets from each other. Both of us hoping that the other one wouldn't find out. Looks like I won that little game very quickly! What else could she be hiding?

The day had been so very long. All I could do not was try my best to get some sleep and think about things with a fresh mind in the morning. Hopefully Syrah's shipment would be at the doorstep. With my make-up kit and my Bible safely tucker underneath the bed I rolled over on my side before once again hearing Jennifer make her way up the stairs and into her room. It took a full two hours of restless thoughts and emotions but I managed to fall asleep with a head full of dreams that might have been…

**In Chapter 23, after Leena witnesses Jennifer's dark side, Leena starts to finally show a more sinister side of herself to Jennifer which causes obvious friction between the two of them. A force of wills ensues between them as things begin to deteriorate rapidly…Thank you for reading as usual! PLEASE keep the reviews and PM's coming! It always make this project well worth the effort!**


	23. Our Dearly Departed

**In Chapter 22, Syrah and Leena have an emotionally charged heart to heart conversation. Syrah's anger is tangible as Leena does her best to explain herself. Afterwards, she discovers that Jennifer has some secrets of her own when she witnesses Jennifer both cutting herself and using heroin…**

"Aunt Jennifer…when will we arrive in Maine? We've been driving for so long now." I whined from the back seat our her run down sedan. "We're already in Maine baby. Just a little while longer. Why, do you need to go pee?" she asked. "No, I mean I just wanted to know so badly. I mean we have to bury our family today." I said in sorrow. "We need to stay strong Esther. For our family." We were on our way to the funeral. Four people would all be buried besides each other. This was a day I had wished with so hope that would never come about. I wore the same black dress I had worn the day I arrived. Syrah had already sent me everything so I once again had a full wardrobe and everything else that I had requested. Black was simply the appropriate color for today's service. Jennifer was wearing a black dress as well. "We're running late already" Jennifer muttered nervously as she sped up. The sky was dreary and ever so depressing. Indeed a perfect kind of day for a funeral. It wasn't long before things started to look familiar once again. We entered the town I had previously lived in. The former town of the Sullivans. This was the town where my dreams died. They died alongside that family. Indeed a piece of me died here along with them. I remembered travelling down these roads so many times with them. Going to and from school or to go shopping. I knew that once I left this town today that I would never be seeing it again. We originally wanted to go see the remains of the house but when she contacted the police and the fire department she was told that it was off limits because it needed to be demolished. We were very close to it though. We wouldn't be passing it and in retrospect I am glad we didn't go to see it. I think it would have too painful for the both of us and after all having to go to a funeral was emotional enough. I had only been in her house for less than a week and I was going to have to relive the tragedy today.

She was trying to find the cemetery. The whole funeral was scheduled to be performed at the cemetery rather than at a funeral home. Why this was so I cannot say. Maybe that's just how it is sometimes. Whatever the case, I just knew today was going to be so difficult for me to pull myself through. I didn't witness the funeral of the family I killed in Estonia but I hoped that by seeing the funeral of the Sullivans that it would help give me some sort of closure. I felt that I needed closure in order for me to truly move on with my life. Jennifer looked frustratingly at the directions she had written down on a worn piece of paper. She obviously had never been in this area before. I never remembered seeing a cemetery when I lived here so I would be of no help. "A left on Meadows Road." she mumbled to herself. We drove up the dirt road and I was filled with such a sense of forlorn grief. I rested my head again the seat and just stared out the window. The telephone poles seemed to pass by for all of infinity. The radio was turned off. There was nothing but silence. Jennifer couldn't get herself to talk about the family without breaking down in tears. I thought about what my sister said about me putting her and others through hell. I began to feel sorry for myself for the position I found myself forced into. Poor little Leena Klammer. We went on for a little ways until the small cemetery came into view on my right hand side. There was already a crowd of mourners assembled at the cemetery's center. Each one was adorned in black. Several hearses were parked inside of the cemetery alongside the mourners along with their various cars. These were people whom I had never met before. They were surely mostly friends and family. I'd say there were about 20 of them. It wasn't a huge gathering but being around these strangers I knew would make me nervous. I was constantly reminded of Syrah's words. How I had caused immense pain to all of these people. Just like with Jennifer, I could give two shits about how these people felt or how their lives have been turned upside down. I didn't fucking know them. I was the ultimate victim in this whole mess and strangely I think they would feel the same way about me but of course for obviously different reasons. We slowly pulled up the gravel driveway into the cemetery. I could hear the sounds of the rocks crunching beneath the wheels. I was more than a little nervous having to be around all of these people

"Okay Leena. Be as sad as fucking possible. You look the part but you need to keep playing the part. Make these fuckers feel sorry for you. You still feel that real grief for Paul so let it show." I thought to myself. After some six hours of driving we were finally about to watch this horrible tragedy come to it's conclusion. So many people were wiping away there tears. So many were doing their best to console one another. Jennifer pulled alongside the other cars and put it in park. She turned around to face me as I looked miserably onto the assembled crowd. "Now Esther. Together we can do this. Let's stay strong for everybody. Your family, our family, would have wanted that." she said lowly. "I can do this, aunt Jennifer. I'm mature enough. I know mommy and daddy would want us to be that way" I told her childishly. I always had to remind myself to speak like a child would speak. In the same mannerisms as most little girls truly would. "I know you will Esther. Today is a day for remembrance." With that she turned around and opened her door and I did likewise. The day was mild but I still wore my blue long coat. The birds chirped in the sky and the blooming trees as I made my way to the front to be with Jennifer. She stood behind me to the side and put her hands on my shoulders as I trudged along downcast. She gently rubbed them as we walked closer to the crowd. I turned my head to look at the hearses. My Paul was in one of them for sure. His spirit had long since left it's physical shell. I thought about what a terrible waste of such a wonderful man that this was. I sacrificed so much of myself just for the chance to be with him and in the end he was the one who had to be sacrificed. Such irony!

The mourners in the crowed suddenly noticed us approaching and a number of them began walking towards us with arms outstretched as we slowly approached them. I stood close next to Jennifer as I stared blankly ahead. I had no expression on my face. I just suddenly became numb both mentally and physically. I felt like I could barely walk. This crowd was unnerving me. Jennifer embraced each of the people who had approached us and wept openly. Many of the women were wearing large rimmed black hats. It was quite formal. Jennifer gently nudged me forward as several of these people who were complete and utter strangers embraced me warmly. All I could do was embrace them back and hope that they would leave me the hell alone. An older woman of about 70 got on her knees and hugged me. "This is your grandmother April" said a quite and reserved Jennifer. "You poor little thing. Poor child. So much suffering for such a little one such as yourself." she lamented. She gently ran her fingers through the back of curled up hair. I felt so emotionally dead at that point in time. "I'm so sorry Esther. I'm so sorry. We lost so much!" she cried. "Get away you old hag!" I thought. I'm never all the comfortable among large groups of people. That is just part of my personality. She slowly stood back up and hugged Jennifer. It seemed that they were mother and daughter. Others looked at me in complete grief. Their eyes spoke many volumes. They spoke of unimaginable pain and misery and yet I could feel the sorrow that they felt towards me as well. The energy in the air was palatable. Some of the men smiled at each other as they talked amongst themselves. Surely they were remembering the good times they had shared with the family. I noticed a Catholic priest donned in his long white robes.

The sky was gun metal grey. The sun shined dimly behind the clouds. Truly Paul was soaring with the angels now! Maybe I had done him a favor. I had delivered him from the troubles of this world into some sort of eternal bliss. I had done for him what his wife or daughter or brother never could. I hoped he still loved me in the same way that I still loved him. Perhaps to think so would be to delude myself into thinking of the ideal relationship between him and I. The relationship that now would never be. I continued to look around as seen four freshly dug graves. The dirt that was removed was lying in a very large pile on top of a blue tarp. This would now be Paul's resting place. I took solace that James would now rot in the ground and become the worm food that he deserved to be in the first place. Rebecca and Veronica. Like I cared? Paul was my only focus for today although I would fake otherwise to placate the crowd. There were no children present I noticed. The crowd was a mixture of devastated hearts and fond memories. Both the good and the bad seemed to merge in this isolated and lonely cemetery, so detached from the rest of civilization. As my eyes gazed off into the rows of nearly kept gravestones I was startled to hear Jennifer calling my name. I jumped slightly. "I apologize Esther but could you go over to the car and get the roses out." she asked softly. I nodded and she thanked me before stroking my hair. She went back to her conversation as I walked towards the run down and rusted piece of shit that she called a "car". I opened the passenger side door in the front and took the roses which were wrapped in some kind of clear plastic. I began to exit the vehicle before accidentally slipping slightly and brushing up against the glove compartment.

"Fucking shit!" I said out loud before the glove compartment suddenly opened. I went to go close it before noticing a little clear bag with some dark rocks inside of it. I was taken aback for a moment before I suddenly realized that this was the same substance Jennifer was injecting the other night. Black tar heroin. I've seen this shit before back in Estonia. I picked it up and examined it before putting it back in it's place and gently closing the glove compartment. "This bitch must really like slamming that shit into her body" I said. Like I wrote earlier, I can't stand drug addicts considering how many I've had to deal with over the years. It made me resent Jennifer even more. I closed the car door behind me and made my way back towards her. "Here you are, just as you asked." I said. "Hold onto them for now Esther. We'll need them shortly." she replied. I nodded and wandered off on my own. I wanted to distance myself from the group until the service started and I would surely be called to come back. My nostrils and lungs were filled with the fresh, sweet scent of Spring. A stark contrast to the tearful misery just a short distance away. I walked alone as I tried to gather my strength for the service. I wandered aimlessly among the endless rows of headstones. I wondered how many people still grieved for these lost souls? How many would continue to grieve for my Paul? I knew he would always have a place within my heart. I glanced back over and I watched as the men slowly began removing the caskets from the hearses. The priest remained solemn as did everybody else in attendance as the light brown caskets that held the Sullivans were carried one by one to their respective graves. I decided it would be best for me to return to the group and I did so in humble respect for Paul Sullivan who was the only person among everybody here who I truly cared and longed for. I knew he would still inhabit my dreams for ages to come.

Everybody looked on and several of the women began to cry in a more outward manner as the caskets were gently placed next to their graves. The tears continued to flow as I watched. The headstones I suddenly noticed were already in place. They were the upright kind but were quiet small in terms of their height. I was standing next to the headstone on the far left and it read as follows - "Paul Sullivan. Heaven has gained an angel! February 19th, 1970 - April 10th, 2009." I couldn't have agreed more with that statement. Heaven now certainly had a new angel. Greater than all others! I began weeping for him and for the potential that he could have had with me. Jennifer stood beside me and gently cradled my head into her side as I wept openly. My body heaved up and down with the pain of this horrible loss. There was such a huge hole in my heart now. The group stood in a half circle around the graves as the priest took his place in front of everyone. I closed my eyes as the tears stung. Many of the others were deeply touched by what I was going through. My mouth remained open slightly as I cried. "It's okay, honey." Jennifer whispered into my ear. The sobs of others drifted through the air. The middle-aged priest lifted his arms up on either side and began to speak. He held a Bible in one of his hands. He began to speak loudly but in a solemn tone that would befit a man of his profession. "May the Lord bless and keep all who are in attendance on this day of sorrow and mourning over the loss of our beloved family and friends. We cannot begin to put into words the loss that has tragically befallen all who knew this wonderful family. We cannot begin to understand why the Lord allows such tragedy to fall upon us but we can be certain that God can cause great things to rise up out of such tragedies and we can rest assured everything is in the Lords hands. May we commend the spirits of our loved ones into the loving arms of Jesus Christ of Nazareth who was crucified for our sins and was then raised up on the third day to ascend unto his father, the Lord God almighty!" The man went on and on as I continued to hold the roses.

"May we be grateful unto our Lord for the miraculous survival of our little Esther Sullivan who has had to endure so much in such a short period of time. May our prayers be with her in this darkest of hours. May praise be to God that she still lives among us." I just continued to stare at the casket as he continued his religious speech urging all of us to unite together and pray for one another. I could only look on heartbroken at Paul's casket which was just feet away from me. A tear fell down my cheek and onto my chin. I wiped it away as I remained focused on him and his grave. I wanted so badly to tell him how sorry I was to have killed him. I hoped he somehow knew this wherever he was now. Jennifer had her head bowed. She reached over and took my hand into hers and squeezed slightly. Everybody knew the genuine pain I was in. I wished Syrah were here with me to give me a hug or to just hold me in my time of loss. The priest spoke for about twenty minutes or so. He read some verses from the Bible that were meant to bring us some degree of comfort…no luck with me. He finally concluded. "In this time of grief may we remain unified in the knowledge and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ. May the souls of Paul Sullivan, Veronica Sullivan, Rebecca Sullivan, and James Sullivan rest in peace for all of eternity and may the Lord bless and keep all who grieve this day." The priest then made the sign of the cross. "Amen" he concluded. With that the priest took his leave and the crowd began breaking up into groups as they had been in before. They moved away from the caskets. Only Jennifer and I remained by the graves. Jennifer spoke. "Would you like for me to stay here with you?" she asked. "I'll be fine, I just want a few moments for myself." I said gently. "I understand" she replied before gently releasing my hand. "I'm to go talk with the other adults. Are you sure you'll be okay?" I nodded and she gave me an understanding smile before heading over to speak with the others. I was now left alone with the caskets. They were yet to be lowed into the ground by the undertaker or whoever was responsible for the task. All of the crowd were a good 30 or 40 feet away from the graves and where I was standing. Jennifer looked back at me in a concerned manner as she approached the group.

A light wind blew over me as a profound sense of loneliness overcame me. Here I was all alone with Paul now in peaceful union with him. On the other hand I wanted to light James' coffin on fire! I didn't focus on James though. It wasn't worth getting angry over anymore. Today was a day of remembrance for me. It was a day to think about the positive aspects of my stay with Paul. Yes, I deceived him by pretending to be a child. Yes, I murdered him but I LOVED him! My mind was so numb. The loneliness I was feeling pierced at the very deepest levels of my soul. Those deepest levels of the soul that make a human being a human being. Syrah was now the last person on Earth who I loved and cared about. I wiped the tears away as they came. The wind continued to drift lazily across the graveyard. The tree branches swayed softly in the breeze. I periodically looked over at the people who were in attendance. Gradually about half of them left but not before coming over and paying their final respects. I refused to make eye contact or any other contact with them but I knew their hearts ached for my predicament. I just stared pathetically at Paul's casket. I was soon alone again. "I miss you so much Paul Sullivan. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I miss you!" I whispered softly between my tears. I wanted Paul to have the bundle of roses that I had taken from the car. I made sure the coast was clear and that nobody was watching. I got on my knees alongside his casket. I wanted to put these roses in his hands to show my love for him. I wanted him to hold them for all of eternity. They were a symbol of my undying and unwavering love that I had for this man. Syrah was the only person whom I loved more. Indeed had this been a funeral for Syrah I would have literally killed myself! I made sure once again that nobody was watching. I knew what I was about to do was risky, maybe even foolish. I had no idea in what condition his body was in. I wasn't sure if he died because of the actual fire or maybe because of smoke inhalation. With my eyes glancing back and forth between the mourners and the casket I gingerly placed my small hands underneath the top lid that covered the upper half of his body. I didn't know whether I would come across the same Paul that I knew and loved or just a burned corpse.

I slowly and delicately lifted the lid slightly. The group had now walked off and disappeared behind a small crest of a hill that made up part of the cemetery. Both Jennifer and the group were out of sight about a good hundred feet away from where Paul and I were located. I closed my eyes tightly as I lifted the lid all the way up into it's standing position. My stomach was in knots as I fought to open my eyes. I was completely surprised by what I saw. His face was perfectly intact although it was obvious that some make-up had been applied. I covered my chest with my hands in adoration as I laid eyes upon his now lifeless frame. He was wearing a dark suit and tie along with a white dress shirt. His face was expressionless yet he looked so peaceful at the same time. My heart fluttered in my chest. I felt faint and became completely oblivious as I gazed upon his beautiful glory. A glory that I would never again share in. At least not on this side of eternity. My lips quivered and the tears poured as I gently ran my hand through his hair. His hands were clasped below his waist. I lifted his hands and gently placed the bundle of roses within them. I held his hand for a brief moment. I realized that this would be the last time I would ever touch the hands that had once brought me such comfort. The hands that cradled me just days before as I slept within his strong arms. I made sure his hands were in the same position as they had been in before. I suddenly pulled one of the large black buttons off of my coat and I gently placed the button underneath his hands. "A piece of me, Paul. A piece of me to have forever." I whispered while stroking his hair once again.

He looked like he was just sleeping. He looked as if he would wake up at any moment to embrace me and take away the pain. I suddenly made a rash decision. I lent over the now open casket and without thinking about it I began to gently kiss him on the lips. His lips were dried and crack. Like I had done to my sister back in Estonia I began to French kiss him. I wanted to know what he tasted like! I wanted that one opportunity to bond with him in a romantic fashion. I didn't care if this were a corpse. It didn't matter. What mattered was the moment. This one moment of bliss. This one moment of fantasy becoming reality. I could taste his lips and tongue as I let my tongue enter his mouth. I became lost in the moment. That kiss would never be returned to me. Not in this lifetime. After a moment of this I slowly sat back up. It became obvious that nobody had seen anything but that was to be short lived. I lent over and kissed him on the forehead before I heard that bitch Jennifer shouting. "ESTHER! ESTHER! What in God's name do you think your doing?" she shouted as she hurried over to me. I didn't bother closing the casket lid as I fell back onto my hands in stunned confusion and fright, "What is wrong with you? You don't open his casket like that! NO! BAD GIRL! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" she shouted. "I just wanted to give daddy my roses" I explained as I stood up quickly. I was met by a sharp slap across the face that knocked my head to the side. I nearly lost my balance as she screamed at me. "GO BACK TO THE CAR! NOW!" she ordered while pointing to it. I suddenly lost my own temper. "YOUR NOT MY MOTHER, JENNIFER! I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM AND YOU SLAP ME! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!" I shouted. "GO TO THE CAR NOW! NOWWWWW!" she shouted in a rage. With that I stormed off to the car. The onlookers seemed stunned by this sudden incident. Now I really couldn't stand this bitch! She barely knows me for even a week and that is how I get treated? I opened up the glove compartment once more and took out the bag of heroin. There was also a needle with a syringe lying underneath it that I hadn't noticed before.

I removed both of them and held them in my hand as I stood alongside the passenger door. Within a few moments she began walking quickly up towards where myself and the car were. The onlookers were no longer paying any attention. She finally reached the car. "Who do you think you are young lady? GET IN THE CAR!" she screamed. I was going to put this bitch in her place. I didn't give a damn what happened. "Oh, we could leave Jennifer. I think you may need something though before we go." With that I held out the bag of heroin and the needle and stuck them out in front of me. Hey eyes suddenly grew wide in stunned shock. Without a word she attempted to approach me. There was such a sense of malice on her face. I backed up and walked around the car as she attempted to pursue me, "GIVE THAT BACK! NOW, ESTHER!" she demanded. "EVERYBODY! DRUG ADDICT! DRUG ADDICT!" I shouted while flailing the objects above my head. Jennifer was absolutely stunned by my sudden change in character. "STOP IT THIS INSTANT YOU STOP IT!" she screamed. By now the onlookers were staring yet again. The commotion was certainly loud enough to have caused them to do so. "Oh, I bet you want them back! I seen you doing drugs the other night!" I revealed with a grin of self confidence. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" she demanded. "I guess I can ask the same about you." With that I threw the drugs and the syringe at her feet, She knelt down and fumbled around pathetically to pick up the illicit evidence. She then quickly turned her head and her wide eyes met mine. She looked like a fucking deer caught in headlights. She was blown away by all of this. "Into…the car…now, Esther!" she hissed. Now she was starting to see some of the real me. I walked briskly over to her. "Long sleeve dresses? Is it because you like that style or is there another reason?" I asked with cocky self-confidence. I bent over and lifted the sleeve of her dress up to her elbow.

Her arm was covered in scars from her cutting herself. "Oh, so THAT is the reason you wear long sleeves after all. Can I interest you in a razor blade when we get back home?" I asked her with a cocky smile. We both stood up and she once again cracked me in the face. I laughed it off. "I bet this is hurting you a lot more than it's hurting me." I joked. "You get the HELL into the back seat of that car and I don't want to hear another word from you Esther! I am NOT playing games with you." she warned. I giggled cruelly. I wanted to destroy this relationship as quickly as possible. "Why are you acting like this? INTO THE CAR!" she pointed angrily. "Whatever you say Jennifer." She looked completely flabbergasted and dumbfounded. I knew her dirty little secrets. I wondered what other skeletons she was hiding in her closet. I found it kind of funny that we both hid scars. Long sleeves for her and ribbons for me. "Don't you DARE say a word on the ride home, Esther! I CANNOT believe you're this kind of person! WHO DO YOU….I don't even want to LOOK at you right now! Did you act this way around them?" she asked angrily. "Them" of course referring to the Sullivans. "You struck me. So I'll act mean if you treat me that way. I can't believe the kind of person YOU are" I said calmly. "Don't worry about what I DO! I don't CUT myself! Those drugs aren't even mine! They…they're…not mine I can tell you that" she said in desperate confusion. I guess she was willing to lie her way out of this awkward situation she now found herself mired in. She must have thought it would be all too easy to "fool a child" into believing such obvious lies. "I don't NEED this kind of aggravation, do you UNDERSTAND ME, ESTHER?" I replied sharply. "Just shoot some more heroin, that should calm you down". She reached back and attempted to strike at me again but I moved away from her. "NOT ONE WORD!" she barked. She had a hot temper. I was glad to play it to my advantage. "We're not even going to talk. You hear me? When we get home you go to your room and go to bed" she shouted. Her hands were shaking. She struggled to put the car keys into the ignition. I was humored but I didn't show it. I readjusted the little blue bow that was in my hair before the jackass finally managed to get the car started. "Can't believe this!" she muttered under her breath.

"Your going RIGHT to bed when you get home" she sneered. I remained silent as we pulled out. By now her face was red and she was sweating profusely. I had let the genie out of the bottle with this one! Score. Leena Klammer - One. Jennifer Sullivan - Zero. She continued to shake with the realization that I knew her secrets. I knew about the double life she was living. Suddenly and without thinking about it I came up with a plan to rid myself of Jennifer without me doing too much of anything. I'll write about that in my next entry though. In the meantime, Jennifer was fuming, "I don't do drugs" she repeated softly. There was brief silence before she suddenly relented in tears. "Every once in awhile" she said crying as we drove along. "I mean they're dead Esther. I don't know what else to do!" she gripped. She sobbed bitterly as we continued driving. She suddenly came clean. "Yes, Esther, I do have a problem. They're mine. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I hit you when you were at Paul's casket. Let's…just keep moving on from here. I shouldn't have hid that from you. Yes, I cut…I cut myself too. I have a serious problem with these things. It's all too much for a little girl like you to understand" she explained before crying her eyes out. I still remained silent. "Take a nap, Esther. We'll talk about all this later on. I'm feeling so conflicted, so confused…my brother, my niece, everybody…" She trailed off in frustration. "We won't talk about anything right now" I said quietly. "Concentrate on driving" I told her. She nodded as she wiped away her tears. Last thing I wanted was a fucking car accident. I didn't want a second trip to the hospital! As I sat in that back seat I knew that I had a fail-proof plan that was surprisingly simple. Yet again I had to give myself a pat on the back. It would work and then I could resume my quest for a man. For the family that I've always dreamed about. It would work beyond a shadow of a doubt! I smiled to myself as we got onto the highway. Jennifer was too stunned, too embarrassed to force conversation. Today had been hard enough for her and I gladly exploited that weakness.

She didn't have any fucking right to lay her hands on me in the first place! She didn't see me kiss her brother's body. There certainly was no way in hell that I wanted to live under her roof for any further length of time. I wouldn't be surprised if she took drugs before we left for the funeral. Maybe she was bugging out on the heroin,. I bet she was thinking about ways to talk to me about the secrets I had found out. I was sure she wanted me to keep everything a secret between her and I. You see, I could keep my cover hidden but she was too careless. I look for these weaknesses in people. You might even say that I have a talent for it. Isn't that what a true sociopath is known for? I realized that my days under Jennifer Sullivan's roof were now seriously numbered. It never failed that I'd come up with some brilliant plan to get out of a tough situation. The ball was now most definitely in my court. I took peace in this fact as we rode along. She had no clue the simple move I was about to pull on her. In fact I was going to do it tomorrow. If you fuck with Leena Klammer, I'll always find some way to get even. Violent or not, I'll always find a way! I didn't sleep the whole ride home. It took in the neighborhood of six hours to get back to Connecticut. I was greeted by the big city lights as nighttime engulfed the sky once more. She remained as silent as could be as we pulled up alongside her house. It was colder outside now as the sun had already made it's departure over the horizon. I followed behind her as she unlocked her front door. I followed in kind as she tossed her purse onto her couch. She was exhausted both mentally and physically. She watched her family's funeral and I of course was worse for wear myself. "Just go to bed now, Esther." she said. "We'll talk about everything later." She collapsed on the couch as I gave her one last stare. "Indeed we shall" I answered before quietly taking my leave. I returned to my room and turned on the television. I quickly undressed and slipped into my nightgown. By now my closet was full of various dresses and I now had everything I needed. I had my wonderful and ever-reliable sister to thank for this! Tomorrow would hopefully be my last day here. Just as quickly as I had arrived I would depart. It would be one step forward in the right direction in resuming my journey. I wanted to put Jennifer Sullivan behind me for good.

There was nothing on the television. I used to dread turning on the television back at Syrah's house. More than once I seen my decrepit image on the screen. Staring blankly back at me. My face looked so aged with my make-up. I flipped mindlessly through the stations before finally shutting it off. Jennifer was not only grieving but now she had to explain her "lifestyle choices" to me. So long as the ball would stay in my court I could care less what she said or did to me. I lied there and listened to the wind howling outside. It was always so lonely in bed without somebody lying next to me whether that person was Syrah or Paul I always felt safer and more content with a loved one lying right beside me. I had to make due with my loneliness right now. I couldn't let loneliness eat away at me. I knew this was all temporary and that things would brighten up once again for me.

Once again I thought of Paul. By now I was sure that his casket was lying under six feet of dirt. He was now at peace and that was a chapter of my life that I would have to learn to put behind me. It would take a lot of time but I would gradually recover. I kept wondering what him and I would be doing had James never arrived on the scene? I gripped the pillow as my thoughts raced. Would I have won Paul over perhaps? Would we just be cuddling or even making love to each other? All what if's now. Sweet fantasies that I had to be content with. There would be other men though. I was confidant of this. My soul mate would come along one day and finally sweep me off my feet! Where is my knight in shining armor? Is there anybody in this world for me? If only my sister would accept me romantically I wouldn't have to go through all of this nonsense. I knew Syrah would never love me in such a manner so I had to keep on trekking. If I didn't search for what I was looking for. If I didn't seek what I was looking for…then how would I ever find somebody to begin with? I never could get Syrah to understand me on this point. Right now as I lied there in bed though all I could do now was reflect on all I had lost. After awhile I closed my eyes and finally drifted off to sleep. A sleep that was surely filled with dreams of Paul and everything that could have been…

**In Chapter 24, we learn of Leena's simple plan against Jennifer and she puts it into immediate action against her but will it pay off for Leena? Will she be able to resume her search so soon after entering Jennifer's home? Thank you a million times as usual for your reviews and PM's! They are truly food for the writer's soul!**


	24. A Newfound Hope

**In Chapter 23, after attending the funeral of the Sullivan family, Leena finally shows part of her true nature to Jennifer after catching Leena at the open casket of her brother Paul. Leena purposely provokes Jennifer by revealing that she knows about her drug addiction. Things come to a boiling point but Leena suddenly comes up with a simple way of getting herself removed from Jennifer's household…**

"I'm finished living under this fucking roof. Jennifer's truly going to regret taking me in as of today! No more! It all ends today!", I thought to myself as I walked down the street alone. I passed the well manicured homes of more fortunate persons as I approached the corner mailbox. I quickly opened the slot and dropped the letter inside. It was a letter to Syrah. I figured she was still upset so I figured writing to her may be the best option for the time being. For some reason I thought that if she heard my voice over the phone again that I would upset her like last time. I simply decided that I would wait a little while longer before I called her. I basically outlined to her what I planned on doing to get myself removed from this shit hole of a household. Every time I placed a phone call she was so distraught. So confused. So angry at me. In the two page letter I simply assured Syrah that no violence would come to Jennifer by my hands. Syrah probably was scared shitless that I would strike yet again. She did not trust my mental well-being and of course with good cause. I smiled to myself as I thought about my plan. Really quite simple. Something so obvious that it would surely result in my removal without the use of force or violence against that drug addict. It was the day after the funeral and I wanted to end my stay here as soon as possible. I turned around and walked the few blocks back to the house. Her house certainly was not a home by any sense of the definition. Jennifer wasn't even home. Yeah, really reckless to leave a "child" home alone, no? I guess the heroin had eaten up her common sense as well. She had been gone all morning. Maybe she just needed time to clear her head. I could care less her reason. I just knew I had to turn my thoughts into dynamic action.

I clasped my hands in excitement. So what was my plan? I was going to play the "child abuse" card. Certainly the authorities checked out Jennifer's records before placing me with her but I was going to convince the authorities that she was something truly rotten and wicked. Something as dark as the night itself. I was so gleeful over such a simple plan. I knew Jennifer was the only person who could take me in. Should I be removed from her home I would either be placed into foster care and possibly find another man or at the very least be placed in another orphanage. Although I hoped for the first scenario I could accept being placed into yet another orphanage. Anything to get out of here. This house disgusted me. Very poverty and drug use disgusted me. I looked upon her as an abhorrent excuse for a human being. "Let's get this bitch in cuffs today!" I shouted to myself in joyous self-confidence. I could honestly say that I was in pretty good spirits today. I had to act as fast as possible. I began searching around the every nook and cranny of the house. I wanted to find her drugs. Not to use them myself of course but to help set her up. "Think like this bitch would, Leena. Where would this dope pusher hide this shit?" I said aloud. "Where are her rocks?" I asked. I knew she wouldn't even bother looking for her drugs until nighttime. After all, she was trying to keep her addiction under the radar. I was becoming a little frustrated as I searched high and low.

I looked under the sofa cushions and underneath the furniture. I looked under lamps and in drawers. If she were to hide drugs I knew she would make the effort to at least do a good job at it. Especially with the knowledge that I knew her dirty little secret. I took the liberty of searching her room as well. I spent over half an hour before finally realizing I had only the basement to check. I grinned mischievously to myself. "Let's see what the whore had downstairs" I told myself. I walked over to the tired wooden door and turned the knob. Slowly I opened the door and gently closed it behind me. I immediately began coughing. I acrid odor of piss filled my nostrils. "Fucking shit!" I shouted. Cleaning was clearly not one of Jennifer's top priorities. I walked down the rickety steps and made my way into the clutter. It was rather cold down here. The odor was overwhelming. There were various cardboard boxes cluttering the small space. With one hand over my nose I began to search for her illicit stash. In haste I began to open boxes. I knew she could walk in the door at anytime. "Come on, COME ON!" I hissed. I tore at the boxes like a woman possessed. Nothing! I suddenly took a moment and scanned the room for anything unusual. There was a small table in the corner. Underneath this table were a variety of mason jars. The kind of jars that are made of ceramic and that you cannot see through. I attempted to crawl over the mass of boxes but tripped in the process. "SON OF A BITCH!" I shouted in Estonian. A box suddenly collapsed on top of me and a mass of old books spilled onto the floor followed by a cloud of dust. "STUPID FUCKING WOMAN!" I shouted. I was referring to Jennifer as opposed to myself. I returned the box to where it was and tossed the books back inside. I stopped for a second and read the title of one of the books. "Little Orphan Annie" read the worn lettering. The irony wasn't lost on me as I tossed it in along with the others. I brushed the dust off of my dress as I once again clawed my way over to the table to investigate.

I made my way over and knelt down amiss the mess. There were about a dozen of the jars in various sizes. I took the lids off of each one and inspected them. They were empty until I pulled one of the smaller jars from the back. I shook it and a rattling sound emanated from within. I casually opened the jar and sure enough…a little plastic bag filled with black tar heroin along with some needles and of course a spoon and a syringe. The typical kit of a junkie. The plan was simple. I was going to beat myself up. Yes, beat myself up. Black eye, busted lip, etc. I planned on calling Child Services to report that "my new mommy" attacked me. Then I could tell the authorities about the drugs I "found by accident" in the basement. I could cry and cry and explain how scared I was of Jennifer. How "mean" she was to me. It might sound stupid but pulling off something like this would ensure my swift and immediate removal from her home. Such a simple yet ingenious plan. I didn't even bother removing the contents from the jar. I placed the jars back in their exact positions and quickly left the basement. The piss odor really was too much! I hurried up the stairs and closed the door. I realize that I was still safe. Jennifer was nowhere to be found. In fact I hadn't seen her all day today. I woke up and she had left the house. Part of me wanted to believe she simply abandoned me but I knew she was probably buying more drugs or doing some other illicit activity. I kind of entertained the idea that she was a prostitute much like I was so long ago. I laughed to myself at the thought of that skank selling herself on some seedy street corner. There was nothing more to do now then to proceed with my plan. Imagine…poor little Esther all beaten up. A dead beat drug user as the only suspect. I had to hurry fast. I made my way into the bathroom and slammed the door. I paused and examined myself in the mirror. "Sorry Leena…time to get fucked up." I had to do this. I had to go to these extremes in order for this to pan out, I inhaled deeply and then exhaled. I closed my eyes tight and bit my lip. I clenched my fists tightly in anticipation before I went for it. I acted and I was immediately met by my fist nailing me directly in my right eye. I had to place my hand on the wall to keep myself to keeling over. BAM! I punched myself just as hard in the same place again…and again…and yet again. My ears were ringing and my head was throbbing with pain as I began nailing myself in the mouth on the other side of my face. I struck myself repeatedly. It brought back incredibly bad memories. It reminded me of the beating I endured from James back in the homeland. The pain was all too familiar. I had to suppress these memories as I decked myself in the mouth yet again. I struck myself hard enough that I involuntarily bit down on my tongue causing it to bleed. I could taste the warm liquid as it oozed into my mouth. I felt like fainting. Sure I was small and not that strong but it didn't take much to cause damage to me.

I probably hit myself in excess of fifteen times. I did a good job at working myself over. The room seemed to spin as I struggled in disorientation to will myself to stand upon my own power. I lumbered backwards and nearly fell over the toilet. I righted myself and I looked hard at the image in the mirror. I gently put my hand to my face and smiled at what I had done to myself. My left face was swollen. The left side of my lip was also beginning to swell. My mouth was bleeding. I had given myself a black eye on the right side of my face. I giggled in delight. I almost fell over again as I attempted to walk out of the bathroom. Several times I had to catch myself on the walls as I made my way into the living room. My entire face was stinging in pain. Luckily for me there was a house phone as there was no sign of Jennifer's cell. I dialed 911 in haste. A female operator responded. "911, what's you're emergency?" I breathed rapidly as to give the impression that I was in distress. "My aunt Jennifer…she…come quick…please…she hurt me real bad!" I said in an innocently childish tone of voice. A voice that would gain immediate concern and sympathy from the operator. "What do you mean she hurt you?" she asked. "She started punching and hitting me in the face. She hit me because I found out she was doing drugs." I could hear other voices as I spoke to her. "What is your name little girl?" said the monotonous voice on the other end. "Esther Sullivan and I'm nine years old. Hurry before she comes back home!" I pleaded. "Do you know your address Esther?" I continued my routine. "Yes, 799 Hart Street, please hurry!" I begged. "Would you like me to stay on the line with you?" the woman asked. "I'll be fine. I'll just wait until the cops can get here. Just hurry because my aunt is being real mean to me." The gears were finally in motion! "Are you sure?" she asked one final time. "Yes, I'll be fine." Without saying another word I hung up the phone. It immediately began ringing. The operator must have wanted for me to stay on the line. Perhaps she was concerned that Jennifer had grabbed the phone away or something.

No matter now. I ran down into the basement and back to the mason jars. I recovered the jar with the drugs and paraphernalia and returned to the living room. "Time for a change of scenery!" I exclaimed happily. I placed the drugs in plain sight on the living room table for the authorities to see. What a fun day this was turning out to be! I couldn't believe how easy framing Jennifer really was. There were some perks to being Esther after all. Everybody believed in the angelic little Esther. After all, she could do no wrong to any soul. This would be a sure thing now. I didn't have to resort to killing her or burning down the house. Those type of things would be all too obvious to the prying investigators back in Maine if they got word of such deeds. I didn't need to be under the gun from those fuckers anymore. I knew the police would be here at any minute so I immediately disheveled my hair and turned on the tears. I am such a master actress! I unlocked the door and stood out on the porch. Jennifer was still nowhere to be found. Boy, what a fucking surprise she had waiting for her! Jail? Most definitely! It was only maybe five minutes or so before the police arrived. Two squad cars pulled up. In an instant the two officers exited their vehicles and immediately made eye contact with me. I quickly beckoned them over to me with my hand. Cops looked so sexy in their tight fitting uniforms but now was hardly the time to get horny over men in uniform! "Esther Sullivan?" the cop from the first car inquired. They were both obviously shocked by my injuries. I nodded sadly. I already turned on the fountain and the tears were flowing. "I'm Officer Tamboreli and this is my partner Officer Black. We're here to help you. Where is your aunt who you told our dispatcher had hurt you?" Lying on the spot? A cakewalk for me. "She left a little while ago. She didn't tell me where she was going…I…I don't" I buried my hands in my hands and cried. I let my shoulders heave up and down with each pathetic whine that escaped my little mouth. All a perfect act on my part! Crocodile tears and nothing more.

Officer Tamboreli put his hand reassuringly on my shoulder. "We're going to make sure this never happens to you again. We'll make sure your aunt is punished for this" he reassured me. I nodded and thanked him shyly. "You said your aunt does drugs, right? Did she do any drugs today?" he asked softly. "I don't know but she left her drugs and stuff on the table inside. I didn't touch them cause I know how bad they are." He motioned for his partner to enter the house. He entered with his hand on his gun holster. He cautiously entered and without a moment's notice he retrieved the drugs and the related paraphernalia. He presented them to Officer Tamboreli. He lifted the bag up to eye level and squinted as he inspected the illicit contents. "Black tar heroin" he said under his breath. I looked on in fake disbelief. I told them my made-up story. "My family died so they put me with aunt Jennifer like a week ago." The officers nodded. "The dispatcher told us about that. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss." said Officer Black. I thanked him and explained (lied) about how I was beaten up. I was looking for something I lost today and I found these drugs and she caught me and began to beat me up. She got really mad. I mean REALLY mad and kept hitting me. She didn't yell much but she kept hitting and hitting." I sniffled. I had certainly gained their sympathy. "I begged her to stop and once she did she threw the drugs on the table and just left. That's all she did" I explained. I leaned up against the wall as the police feverishly took down notes. "And the only reason she hit you was because of the drugs?" asked Officer Black. "Yes, and she has slapped me a few times since I came here last week.

She keeps calling me names and calling me bad things. Aunt Jennifer doesn't like me very much." The officers were touched. What a bunch of dumb asses! As I wrote before though, there are definitely perks to being Esther. The whole world would stand behind me in support. He rested his hand gently upon my shoulder as I looked sadly into his brown eyes. "Well we're going to make sure she doesn't hurt you anymore, Esther. We promise she won't hurt you anymore." I closed my eyes and nodded. "Keep those tears rolling Leena" I thought. "You've been through enough already." he sympathized. The very people who should be arresting me for murder I had now won over entirely. I was going to play Jennifer and these cops like a fiddle! I did hear words that I didn't really want to hear though. "We're going to have to take you to the hospital." Officer Tamboreli informed me. He looked to Officer Black in anger. "What kind of sick animal would do this to a little girl!" he asked. "A complete monster" answered Officer Black. They both shook their heads in sad disbelief. "What a sick world we live in today. Where some monster can treat a child like this" he added. Officer Tamboreli spoke to me again. "Was aunt Jennifer doing drugs today? Is she on drugs right now?" he asked. I shrugged. "Esther, do me a favor. Go sit inside on the couch and we'll wait on the porch until Jennifer arrives. She isn't worth calling your aunt" he explained. "Thank you for caring so much" I sobbed. I wiped the tears from my eyes, Those tears of deception that were fooling everyone around me. "It's our job" he added. I shuffled inside the house like a person who was totally defeated. As the two officers took more notes I smiled wickedly to myself.

I readjusted the false teeth in my mouth as they were a little loose. Of course I made damn sure they weren't looking as I did so. I threw myself onto the couch and buried my head into the pillow. I let out a loud, sorrowful moaning that I intended for the two pigs to hear. I gripped the pillow on both ends and continued the fake little act that I had mastered over the years. I kicked my feet in frustration as if I were in extreme distress. The cops seemed more and more angry at my display. I could tell they wanted to lock up Jennifer's ass as soon as she came home. Lo and behold, maybe twenty minutes after the police arrived I could hear and a car pulling in from outside. I had to resist the urge to smile and laugh as I stood up and peered out the open door. It was indeed Jennifer and her junk mobile. The fucking car sounded as horrible as it looked. Officer Black noticed that I was standing there and motioned me not to come outside. Jennifer was oblivious to the police standing on her porch until she got out of her car and approached the house. I watched as she stopped dead in her tracks. She was carrying a bag of groceries. Now it was time for the real fun to begin! As Jennifer stood there an ambulance pulled up, I'm assuming the two pigs called it in. She turned to face the ambulance, then she glanced at the two squad cars, and then she made eye contact with the police. She was completely besides herself as Officer Tamboreli pulled out a pair of handcuffs from his police belt. He quickly approached her and turned her around so that her back was facing him. "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing? What the FUCK is this!" she screeched.

"Why don't you explain that to the little girl who you beat the life out of!" he sneered. "Your under arrest for assault on a minor, child endangerment, and drug possession." She turned her head and seen me standing by the doorway. Her jaw dropped when she saw my self-inflicted facial injuries. "ESTHER! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!" she screamed towards me. She struggled as Officer Tamboreli placed the cuffs on her. "NO! NO! I DID NOTHING WRONG! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT HAPPENED ESTHER? LET ME GO!" she continued. "STOP RESISTING" the officer snapped back. She continued to struggle against her restraints. I knew that feeling myself. "Continue struggling and we'll tack resisting arrest onto the charges. You have the right to remain silent. Anything can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney represent you. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights?" She broke down sobbing and fell down onto her knees. "ESTHER! YOU DID THIS TO ME! WHY? WAS IT BECAUSE I SLAPPED YOU YESTERDAY?" Jennifer realized she pretty much just shot herself in the foot. I could tell that was true just by the way she suddenly sank down into a pathetic ball on the sidewalk. Indeed she had slapped me and now the officers took this statement as a confession. They were absolutely furious with her. "PLEASE! PLEASE! I DIDN'T BEAT HER! SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF! WHY ESTHER? WHY? I THOUGHT WE WOULD WORK THINGS OUT!" she screamed. "OH GOD WHY? NO! PLEASE DON'T ARREST ME! I'M INNOCENT! I'VE DON'T NOTHING WRONG! WHAT IS THIS? ESTHER! ESTHERRRRRRRR!" Officer Black came off of the porch and assisted his partner and putting the hysterical women into the back seat of the squad car. I smiled at the officers as if telling them of a job well done. Jennifer began slamming herself against the door in a futile attempt to free herself.

Officer Black then knocked on the window and held the bag of heroin out for her to see. "Doing drugs around a child. You sick pig! And then you beat her! You're an ANIMAL!" he shouted. "Calm down. We're here to arrest her and that's all" said Officer Tamboreli. I could hear Jennifer's muffled screaming as she continued to plead her innocence to the bitter end. "Why don't you take this piece of shit down to the station while I attend to Esther" he told Black. He nodded in approval. "I'll fill out the report when I get to the station" he told Tamboreli. With that being said Black got into the cruiser. The windows were tinted black so I really couldn't see Jennifer. I just hoped that this would be the last time I would ever have to lay eyes on her again. I knew I was now an enemy of hers for life. Perhaps she would even contemplate the idea that I was the arsonist who murdered her family. This really didn't worry me though. After all, she was a "child beater". Nobody would ever take heed to anything she would have to say against me. I grinned in delight as the squad car pulled away. I actually waved and I'm sure Jennifer watched as she was spirited away to some dingy jail cell. For once I was victorious. For once I would have my way in life. I thought back to what Syrah told me on the phone about not throwing people's lives away. I shrugged it off. Jennifer struck me twice and I paid her back. That was simply how I seen the situation. I could care less about whatever fate awaited her. Mr. Tamboreli came onto the porch to keep me company as the paramedics finally exited the ambulance. One was female and the other male. They rushed to my aid. I couldn't believe I hurt myself like this! The officer soothed me as the medical personnel attended to my needs. They immediately began applying some sort of ointment to my face which seemed to ease the stinging sensation that had lingered on.

I hissed as it was applied. It hurt intensely for a moment before I felt relief. "It doesn't look like she needs any stitches" said the male. The female materialized an ice pack an told me to hold it to the side of my face. She placed some more sticky ointment on my swollen eye. "20 years as a cop and I've never seen anything so savage! Does she need to go to the hospital?" he asked. "She's just bruised up and the swelling will go down quickly. There's no lasting damage. She should consider herself very lucky. She'll be fine in a few days." said the female. The officer became a little flustered. "That still doesn't answer my question" he told them. "No, we don't need to take her to the hospital. The injuries are superficial." the female answered. For that I felt glad for. I was just in the hospital days earlier. Ever since escaping from the Saarne Institute I have developed a profound fear of hospitals of any kind. They just brought to the surface to many horrible memories. Memories of hopelessness and loss. Memories of mental torment. Hospitals depressed me to no end. The paramedics checked my pulse and asked me a few questions as to how I were feeling. They seemed confidant that I would be just fine soon enough. They let me keep the icepack and gave me the ointment, instructing me to apply it to wherever it began to hurt again. The officer thanked them for their timely response as did I. They seemed very detached from my situation. I guess with all the death and dying they deal with on a daily basis I guess I could see why. After their treatments and examinations they soon left me and the officer alone. I was so ecstatic that I managed to pull this off! "You're quite the woman Leena. I'm so fucking cunning!" I thought to myself. "I'm relieved that you'll be okay. Children like you…they get killed sometimes by abusive parents…relatives." He paused for a moment as if contemplating the words he had just spoken, "I need to call my supervisor though and ask him what we are to do with you as far as where you are going to stay. This is really something that happened suddenly but this is an emergency situation for you. Can you wait inside the house while I talk to my boss?"

"Of course! Anywhere is better than being with that mean lady" I moped. I turned my back and once again went inside the living room. I sat on that dirty, filthy couch and thought about what I had just done. Once again my life seemed to turn on a dime. I can never get over how quickly a person's life circumstances can change. Just a week or so ago my life, my very world, seemed to have completely collapsed around me. There was no light at the end of the dark, endless abysmal sea of misery I found myself floating in. Now a glimmer of hope had appeared once more. Syrah wasn't turning me in and I had effectively and permanently removed Jennifer Sullivan from my life forever. They always say that good things come to those who wait but I could never muster the patience to spend another day with that drug addicted whore. I glanced around at the filth she called a home. I thought of the potential opportunities that lie ahead. Against Syrah's pleas I was going to keep pushing forward or die trying. I thought of the idea of what the Americans call "foster care". If the authorities placed me with another family. Another chance at love and acceptance. Like I wrote earlier I would even welcome being placed in an orphanage (although that was a hell of a lot less desirable than a foster home). I knew that Jennifer Sullivan was the only family relative who was willing to take me in so I knew these were the only two options. They would never send me back to that awful Russian orphanage.

The authorities would never send me back to Europe simply for the fact that when the Sullivans adopted me I automatically became an American citizen. My roots were now firmly planted in this country. Once again I could dream about fulfilling that ultimate life goal of mine. To fulfill my ultimate ambitions. Once again I could hope for and work for the best possible outcome for my life. It seemed to be more and more apparent to me that I would be in America for good. I waited for a short while and Officer Tamboreli soon returned. He looked pleased at what he was told. "So where am I going?" I ask bluntly. I wanted to know right there and now. I certainly didn't want to be placed with another fucking scumbag like Jennifer. "We are unable to locate a foster family on such short notice so you will be staying from now on at Saint Mariana's Home For Girls" he replied. "Is that like an orphanage?" I asked. My words were a little slurred because of my injuries. The inside of my mouth felt so numb when I spoke. "Well, yes if you would like to call it that. I was told it's a very wonderful place. You'll be safe and loved there. You will stay there until a family chooses to take you in." I sighed. "Do you promise?" I asked innocently. "I promise Esther. You have my word. Why don't you pack your belongings and I can take you there today." My heart glowed. Okay, it wasn't foster care as I would have liked but this was a start. He let me know that he would be taking me there personally. "Give me a little while. I'll pack everything." With that I hurried inside and into my room. I was frantic to put this chapter of my life behind me and start anew. I opened my closet and threw my luggage onto the hard bed. I gathered up all my dresses and everything else that I owned. "It's about fucking time I get this show rolling again. Have fun rotting in jail, Jennifer" I muttered with glee. I could only think of her being led into the police station. Her terror and confusion. Just another piece of garbage to me.

I neatly folded my dresses and placed them into the suitcases. Those damn dresses that I so despised wearing. As for everything else I owned I placed them inside as well along with my Bible and make-up kit. The luggage was quite heavy as I struggled to lift them up. My whole life was now in these suitcases. I took one last look around my dank and ugly room and relished the fact that I would never step foot in here ever again. I turned and returned to Officer Tamboreli. At least I could be content in the knowledge that I would be going somewhere where I knew I had a chance of finding somebody else. "If your ready Esther, let's get going shall we?" I smiled broadly in excitement. The officer held the door for me as I walked out one final time. I heard the front door close behind me. "Sit in the back Esther". He was enough of a gentleman to open the door for me. I smiled and gingerly stepped inside. It smelled of alcohol in the back seat. The odors of the more unsavory elements of human society when you consider how many of them have sat back here. I placed the cumbersome suitcases next to me. Everything that I had planned for today was going even easier than I thought. Too good, even. I peered out the window and at the row of well-maintained homes that lined the street. When would I ever get a chance at having this? Such was the driving force in my life. I wondered now what Syrah would think of me being at yet another orphanage? As usual I had the normal amount of anxiety about the move but I only knew that it was for the better. Officer Tamboreli got in the squad car and we drove off, leaving the negativity and self-doubt behind.

"How far away is this place?" I asked. "Well, I have GPS and was given the address. About an hour." I reclined in the seat. "Are you hungry at all? Can I get you something to eat?" he asked. "After what happened, no, I really don't care to eat today. Now my tummy hurts because I'm nervous about going to this new place." I explained. "Well, I think we both can agree that this place is going to be a thousand times better than what your aunt gave you. You'll meet new friends. You'll get the attention and the love that she never bothered to give you. I can't believe your aunt would do something like that to you. What is so bad that a little girl had to be hurt like this?" I wanted to laugh out loud when he said this. "She's just really mean, that's all" He scoffed for a moment. "Well, I can tell you that she will get what she deserves for this." he confided in me. "I'm really proud of you Esther that you were able to stand up to her like that. You're a brave little girl" he assured me. "Thank you! I knew if I didn't tell anyone that she'd do it again." He nodded in agreement. "Are you absolutely sure you're not hungry?" God, I wasn't fucking hungry! "I'm fine. Trust me." We were soon out on the highway. Sitting in the backseats of cars while strangers drove me around was getting old with me. If it wasn't the social worker than it's the cops. I just wanted to settle down somewhere for awhile so I'd have some time to regroup myself. I honestly felt no guilt for Jennifer. Certainly I should be the one in handcuffs and not her but do I really need to write about that? She had lost her family and now her freedom. Thinking about that I gently opened up one of the suitcases and retrieved the worn Bible. Once again I took out the photo of Paul. "I'm sorry for having to do these things, Paul. I know you will forgive me with time. One day you'll understand how much I really care for you. How much I really and truly love you. One day when I pass over I know you'll hold me again/"

The pain suddenly intensified and I placed the ice pack on my face. Officer Tamboreli glanced at me in his rearview mirror. "It must still hurt" he said understandingly. I nodded. "What is that your holding?" he asked. "It's just a picture of my adopted daddy Paul. I miss my daddy so much now!" I exhaled deeply, "May I see the picture?" he asked. "Of course" I handed the photo to him and he examined it. "Seems like a nice man. What a terrible loss for a girl your age to have to deal with. But you know something? I'm sure another family would love to have you as their daughter. Trust me, you'll find another daddy, another family, who can give you that love that you lost. Don't you worry about a thing Esther." Those words brought me some comfort. I could only hope that he was right. "I hope soon. I feel lonely already." I explained. "Well I don't think you'll feel very lonely where you're going now" he said reassuringly. I really wished my living arrangements would be different. After all, the "Girl's Home" he was taking me to is the same place that I am writing from right now. I'm still stuck here! I took some solace in the fact that I certainly knew this place would be a hell of a lot better than the orphanage back in Russia. That filthy shit hole where I first met the Sullivans. At least I would be able to tolerate this new environment without too much worry. I knew as well that if I contacted my sister and told her where I was going that all I would get is a winded "please come home" speech. At this point in my life I was pretty much letting the wind blow me to wherever I may land. Being shuffled around from orphanage to home then to another home and then a "Girl's Home", it was taking it's toll on body and mind. I watched the other drivers pass us. Pretty much all of them were slowing down on account of this being a police car. I wondered about these people and what kind of happy and fulfilled lives that they might be living. I'm just another leaf being blown about in the tempest called life. I was just a grain of sand on a vast and endless beach.

All of the events of the past few months had made me feel that insignificant. I'm not known for having a high level of self-esteem to begin with and even with the new opportunity that had just opened up for me I couldn't help but feel somewhat scared. Just like Syrah, I wanted this "madness" to end, as she refers to it. She seemed to always be under the false presumption that I somehow enjoy what I am doing. Is sitting in the back of a police car while being whisked away to another strange location sound like any fun? I wanted her and anybody else who would doubt me to walk a mile in my shoes. To live one day of my life and then tell me otherwise. At least I could say that I am determined and persistent. Two qualities that are lost on most people these days. Still, I could have been sitting in the back of this police car for far different reasons had I not conned my way out of the whole Sullivan situation. At least I was still free. Officer Tamboreli was busy communication with dispatch and other officers over his CB radio as our journey came it's conclusion. We drove down a secluded tree-lined avenue and slowed down as we approached a gate. I looked at the elegant metal sign that greeted us. "Saint Mariana's Home For Girls" Immediately I eyed the "Home". It was a white, two story structure. Nothing spectacular but it did remind me of the Sullivan's house except it was somewhat larger. There were children in grey uniforms running about in the large yard. "Here we go again Leena. Just take things in stride" I assured myself. "And here we are Esther. You're new home for the time being" The children didn't even really seem to take notice of our arrival. They were lost in their whimsical games of child's play. Too lost in their own little worlds of imagination and make-believe. "Do they know I'm even coming?" I asked. "Yes, dispatch contacted them and they're expecting us. You're lucky that they have the room. I mean look at all the new friends you will make that live here." I doubt I would be making any friends as far as these children were concerned. Ii was too self-absorbed with what I wanted to get accomplished.

For the second time in only a week I once again had to adjust to another strange place. All new faces. All new surroundings. It was unsettling. We parked and the officer opened the door for me and retrieved my luggage. "Boy! You sure packed heavy!" he teased. I acted like I was delighted. I looked at the structure and smiled in awe and wonderment. I looked to my left and watched the little girls playing tag. How I wanted a child like this all to myself. Well, I would prefer an infant or a toddler but being in an orphanage or a "girl's home" or whatever the fuck you want to call it only reminded me so much of how badly I wanted to be a mother. It inspired me to reach above and beyond. Officer Tamboreli put his hands on my shoulders and gently led me to the large wooden front door. He knocked gently several times. I continued to hold the ice pack to my face. I'm surprised I didn't knock my teeth out! After a few moment the door opened and we were greeted by an older black woman. Judging by her clothing she was a nun of some sort, possibly Catholic. She seemed startled by my obviously distressed and battered appearance as Officer Tamboreli introduced himself. "Hello, Sister Abigail?" he asked. "I hope my dispatcher gave me the right name". The woman nodded and judging by her look she was instantly concerned for my well-being. "That's correct." she answred. "I'm Officer Tamboreli. My dispatcher spoke to you in regards to Esther Sullivan whom I have here with me." he explained. "Why yes, he told me that she was removed from the home because of physical abuse. Please, come in" she insisted. The ancient door creaked as she closed it. I felt like I was entering a prison now. She passed the both of us and motioned with her finger. "Follow me to my office". The two of us did as we were told and followed her. As we were into the room I noticed the picture of Pope Benedict on the wall. Clearly this was some sort of Catholic institution. I despise religious belief despite owning a Bible. Yet this place was what it was and I would have to get used to that.

She motioned for us to sit down in the two chairs in front of her desk. I removed the ice pack from my face and braced myself yet again for having to adjust to living in such a place. Officer Tamboreli placed my luggage between him and I. "First of all, Esther, I am sorry we need to meet under these circumstances. My name is Sister Abigail but most of the kids call me Abby. She extended her hand and I shook it. "And how old are you?" The first words out of my mouth here were the biggest of lies. "I just turned nine years old" I asked shyly. I avoided making eye contact with her. Could one imagine had I said 33! "And I understand your aunt hurt you?" I nodded. I pretended to wipe a tear from my eye. "Esther you are in a good place now. We heard about what happened to your family in that terrible fire. We don't know each other but I can absolutely feel for your loss. How terrible that must have been for you. You will always have somebody to talk to here. I know everything is moving so fast for you. We're going to do our best though to make you feel comfortable and at home and to make sure we find you the most wonderful family you could ever dream of!" I smiled and nodded. "That would be the best ever" I told her. She smiled and laughed a bit. She suddenly turned her head of Officer Tamboreli. "And there is no documentation that you have or any adoption records, things of that nature?" she asked. "You'll have to call Department of Human Services, they should have all of her records. Those are the people who generally have those sort of things." She smiled at him. I did have false documentation with me but I decided not to take it out and show to them. It would seem to strange, too odd, that I would have such things on my person. I figured that she would have the State send her my documents from the Sullivan adoption and then have the orphanage from Russia do the same. After all, the Russian orphanage had all of the fake documents that I gave them on file. Sister Abigail would receive them in due time. That way everything would be in order for me. I had those documents forged for me years ago and now, just as they had in Russia, would be put to good use.

Sister Abigail continued speaking. "Let me take a moment to explain our organization. We are a non-profit Catholic home for girls founded on the principals that every child deserves a place to call home. We educate and nurture the girls but I need to make clear that we never force our religion on any of the girls. We do our best to place them with the proper families who will provide them with a loving home. This is only a stepping stone in reaching that goal. This home is a temporary yet loving environment for our children to grow in." Officer Tamboreli seemed very pleased by her words. Sister Abigail reassured the both of us that everything would be okay. That I had absolutely nothing to fear here. I believed this. What was there to fear? I would be safe until another family discovered me. I wouldn't be treated like some piece of meat for prospective "parents" to examine like I was back in Russia. At least this was a considerable improvement. "Of course, Officer Tamboreli, I am going to be requesting all of her documents immediately." she told him. "Well if I can be any help here is my card." With that he pulled out a card and gave it to her. "Very good!" she said with a nod. She placed it in a drawer before informing us about the various programs that St. Mariana's had to offer. I was drifting in and out of my thoughts as usual and not really focusing on her words. I could hear the faint sounds of the little children playing outside. The misery that I have been feeling lately was in the starkest on contrasts to their happy and blissful innocence. Maybe being around these children would help lift me up. Everybody needs hope after all. I sure as fuck needed it. I wondered as I sat in her office on how long I would have to sit in this orphanage before finding a new family. For all we know I could find a family in a week or in a year. It was all a roll of the dice. I knew I had to set myself apart from the other children. I knew I had to wow and mesmerize any potential "mommies and daddies" that caught my eye,

The two of them talked for seemingly an eternity. There was much to discuss in regards to me and my situation. Officer Tamboreli explained in depth about how "Aunt Jennifer" was verbally and physically abusive to me. About how brave of a little girl I was for turning her in. "Esther here is such a strong person for everything she's been through" complimented Sister Abigail. Oofficer Tamboreli smiled at me. "There's no doubt about that. Not a doubt. You did the right thing today Esther!" I smiled broadly. Anything to charm these two pawns. "I take full confidence Sister Abigail that you and your staff will take the best of care when it comes to Esther. I have full faith in that. At least she is in a safe place now. Somewhere without drug addicts and abusers. I thank you so much for taking her in on such a short notice like this." He stood up and shook her hand after about half an hour of conversation. "It's not a problem. It's God's will Mr. Tamboreli and it's been such a pleasure" They smiled and said their goodbyes. "Goodbye Officer Tamboreli and thank you for helping me today" I told him innocently. At least I could be grateful that he put me somewhere better off. "It's not a problem kiddo, just know that everyone here is going to take good care of you and that Jennifer is going to pay for mistreating you. I promise that you will never have to see her again." He knelt over and we hugged. "You take it easy Esther." With that he gave us his final goodbyes and seen himself out. Now I was all alone among this lot of strangers. All these children, these outcasts, I was now part and parcel among their ranks. I was back at square one all over again. I had to start all over once more. I was determined to make sure that it would be the last time!

I continued to hold the icepack on my face. At least it was dulling the pain to some extent. Sister Abigail stood up and gently led me from her office. "Esther, normally I would take a Polaroid photo of you but seeing that you are still injured we will wait for awhile before we do that." A nod of agreement from me and she proceeded to show me around the house and the property. "This is our day room Esther. This is where you will be playing with your new friends." I smiled. "Everything here is so wonderful" I told her in merriment. She laughed as she showed me around the dorms and the communal kitchen. "You'll find that we might be nuns but we're not all strict like you might think we are. We're very easy going. You're going to love it here Esther!" she exclaimed. "I already do" I responded sweetly. Just as we continued walking a young nun of about 23 or so passed us. "Oh, Sister Judith, I would like to introduce us to our newest resident. Her name is Esther Sullivan and she is nine years old." Judith was taken aback by my injuries. "Oh my goodness. You poor soul. What happened to you?" She got down on her knees and placed her hands on my arms and gripped them lightly. Sister Abigail became more somber. "She was taken out of her aunt's home today because she physically abused her" she whispered into Judith's ear as if not to upset me but I read her lips. Well, that's the "official" story. The truth would always remain hidden from this pack of fools! I was a wolf in sheep's clothing and I was now wandering among this flock of sheep! Sister Judith was so very compassionate to my situation. Like Sister Abigail she reassured me that I was now safe and sound and that such a horrible thing would never occur to me again. Not under "our roof" as she put it. As I toured the rest of the home I could only think to myself…can this wolf stay disguised? Can this wolf tread upon the ignorance of the morons and stay concealed ? I knew that I would, that I HAD to, or that my dreams would be little more than dust in the wind…

**In Chapter 25, it is a few weeks after her arrival at Saint Mariana's and Leena is adjusting well to her new environment. But when other children begin to tease her, Leena once again is forced to take action against her new tormenters…**


	25. Friends And Enemies

**In Chapter 24, Leena successfully framed Jennifer by physically abusing herself and planting her drugs on the table and then notifying the authorities. Upon arrival, she was attended to and Jennifer was arrested as soon as she arrived. Afterwards, Leena was taken to Saint Mariana's Home For Girls…**

"Okay Esther, smile for the camera", said Sister Judith in exaggerated excitement. It had been over two weeks since my arrival and I had since physically recovered from my self-imposed beating. I smiled as she snapped a Polaroid of me. The bright flash blinded me slightly as I watched her remove the instant photo from the camera's front. After a moment she told me that I could be excused.

The photo was being placed into my file for any prospective "parents" to troll over. Much to my dismay, no couples had visited since my arrival. I would spend hours at a time just staring out the windows, waiting, hoping for a prospective family to come along. To whisk me away from this "Girl's Home". Spring was in full bloom now and the children were taking full advantage of the gorgeous weather that we were having. The bleakness of Winter had come and gone as it does every year.

The children often played games of tag and hide and go seek among other activities. I never cared to join them. I was an adult woman and far too matured to engage in such silliness. Yes, I dressed like them, looked like them, and dreamed for a family such as them but I was old enough to be the mother of any of those girls. The fact that I had such limited interaction with the others seemed to worry the nuns to some extent although they had yet to discuss with me why I remained so reclusive.

Sure this place was a hell of an improvement over where I had stayed when I was in Russia but I could not shake the somber feeling I felt day after day. The gray and white uniform I had to wear on a daily basis, like my foolish dresses, felt confining and drab. I had only limited interactions with the children and actually felt closer to my fellow adults who were running the place.

I began walking towards the day room where the girls normally were engaged in some activity such as craft making or writing. We had school classes every day but in our leisure time this was among the many productive activities that everybody engaged in. Today I was absolutely delighted when I seen what our activity would be. Painting!

Much like music, the arts have always been a passion of mine and remain so even today. It had been many years since I last picked up a brush and let my imagination soar but today I could at least resume a long-lost hobby of mine. "Oh, hello Esther" said the ever-friendly Sister Abigail.

"We're painting today? YAY!" I said in a false childish joy. My smile ran ear to ear. I clapped excitedly as some of the girls turned to notice my enthusiasm before quietly returning their attention to their easels. "There's a few spots open, Esther. Take a seat where you wish." I nodded and smiled. "Thank you, Sister Abigail" I answered cheerfully. There was a little corner spot in the back of the day room by the window. The whole room was basked in the glow of the flood of sunlight entering through the windows.

I quietly took my seat and stared at the blank canvas placed in front of me. I have been painting since a child. I was nowhere near as good enough at painting as I was say at playing the piano but I certainly consider myself better than average. I began to hum "The Glory of Love" softly to myself as I grabbed a brush and opened up the various small bottles of different colored paints that were to my side.

I wondered what I should paint? Certainly if I were alone it would be something dark or even raunchy. I decided I would paint some sunflowers. I would have painted a picture of Paul or Syrah but I wanted to see how well I could still paint to begin with. I welcomed the smells of the paints as they permeated the air around me.

As most any painter does before starting their work, I gently sketched out what I wanted to paint. A simple scene really. I sketched out a simple portrait of several sunflowers. Each one of them had a smiling face surrounded by their delicate yellow petals. I became a little frustrated as I had to frequently erase the drawings in order to fix them.

I certainly was rusty at this. I looked around at what the other children were painting out of curiosity. Many were painting primitive and simple portraits of long gone family members or various animals. An elephant, a horse, a dog and cat. Et cetera. Sister Abigail sat quietly at a small table in the front and was knitting something while keeping an eye on us. I glanced over at her and we smiled to one another.

Another nun named Sister Margaret entered the room and gave me a nod as she passed. She went to Sister Abigail in regards to something. As of what I do not as they were whispering. I broke the silence. "Sister Abigail, may I please open my window? I want to hear the birds!" I asked. "Go ahead, Esther."

I stood up and opened the worn window. It was the kind that you simply push the bottom portion up. I struggled for a second before it finally budged. The room was now filled with the sounds of birds happily chirping. Honestly I just wanted to get the paint fumes away from me. I thanked Sister Abigail and finished by drawing. "Well Leena, you still got it!" I said aloud. I suddenly caught myself.

I realized I said my real name aloud and quickly scanned the room. I was quiet enough apparently that nobody had noticed my saying of anything. I placed a hand of relief on my chest. "Esther stupid! Your name is ESTHER! Don't make problems like this!" I thought angrily to myself. In hushed silence I leaned back in my chair and examined my drawing much to my satisfaction. I nodded in contentment and proceeded to dip a brush into some yellow paint. I gingerly and delicately painted the petal a nice bright shade of yellow and then painted a blue background.

I spent probably an hour on the painting and managed to finish it right before Sister Abigail informed us that we had to finish up and get ourselves ready for Math class. One of the good things about being schooled at this institution was that since we were all dressed the same at least I didn't stand out as I did back in Maine. I shuddered at the thought of that school.

I didn't want to have to do to any of these girls what I did to Samantha. So far the children seemed to accept me and feel sorry for my predicament. This home lacked the social cliques that I witnessed at school when I was living with the Sullivans. At least I could be left alone in peace.

I planned on calling Syrah perhaps later on in the day or the day after. We had since resumed talking and I had called her several times since my arrival here. She knew where I was at yet I didn't tell her the truth about what I had to Jennifer. I felt like I had to lie. I always feared that if she knew the whole truth that she would perhaps change her mind and turn me in! Murdering the Sullivans had pushed her nerves to the edge and I didn't want to stress her out anymore. I doubt her boyfriend had a clue as to what was going on!

I thought of her often here and she was on my mind as I walked upstairs to the large dorm room, one of several, that housed the 30 plus girls who called this place home, There were eight girls, myself included, who slept in this particular room every night in four sets of bunk beds. I had a bottom bunk and I proceeded to move my suitcases that were under the bed out of the way so I could retrieve my Math book. I was on all fours as I reached for it. Oh, remember about the girls not harassing me? Well, that was now about to change.

One of the girls named Allison, who was around 11 or so, tripped over my legs and fell hard onto the wooden floor. I heard the loud thud as she gasped. "Typical blonde" I muttered in Estonian as I glanced over my shoulder. The fact that I didn't help her up and simply ignored what just happened had now pissed her off. After all, why would I care? I didn't intend for it to happen.

She sat on her ass and snapped at me. "What the hell Esther? Watch where you're lying like that you stupid idiot!" she shouted as she stood up with her hand on her head. She inspected her hand to make sure she was not bleeding.

I was quick to respond. "You're the clumsy one, blondie! Trying using your eyes the next time around!" I grabbed my book and stood up. I gave her a passing glance as I held the book to my chest. As I began to walk away from her she turned me around to face her and then pushed me hard against the wall. "Don't ignore me!" she hissed. "Why don't you apologize for not helping me up?" she asked.

I glared angrily at her in a near rage over what she had just done to me. "Go fuck yourself you little whore! Your fault not mine! You wanna fuck with fire I'll burn you to ashes! Understand me, bitch?" I hissed angrily at her. She looked at me wide eyed as her jaw dropped. She couldn't believe I would say something so bold and harsh to her. It's true, it was the little bitches' fault for not watching where the hell she was walking and she goes and takes it out on me.

I had never really spoken much to her before but now I knew that yet again I had made another enemy. The list of those can go on and on! I would be damned before I let a child push me around like the way she just did. She wouldn't even dream of doing such a thing if she knew who Esther Sullivan really was. If you push my buttons then I'll push you back ten fold!

Still, I knew killing ANY of these girls was simply out of the question. Believe me, if I could I would have slit the bitches throat from ear to eat and taken a piss in her mouth! Just like with poor little Jennifer, I knew damn well better than anyone else that I had to still remain cautious. Just like with Jennifer I would find so clever way of getting back at the little tramp.

Now the rest of the day would likely be ruined for me. I made my way to one of the two upstairs classrooms and took my usual corner seat in the back. I always liked sitting in the back as it afforded me some level of privacy which was hard to come by here.

The smile I had worn for most of the day was now gone. "Now control yourself, Leena! Don't throw a fit! You'll get back at Allison." I told myself. Now I had to deal with her over some stupid bullshit accident that the bimbo could have avoided. I wondered whether or not she would "tell on me".

Apparently not as she soon came ambling into the classroom. She refused to make eye contact with me as I glared menacingly at her. She took her perch at the front of the classroom. It seemed that no matter where I wind up I always make these fucking enemies. Whether it be my father's former girlfriend Els, or Dr. Varava at the Saarne Institute, or James, or Samantha, and on and on. If I were as good as making friends as making enemies I would surely be the most popular girl in this place but I was not here for friendships.

I was here for a chance at romance and I wasn't about to let Allison screw up this opportunity for me. At the same time I knew that if I acted to drastically that I would seriously compromise and jeopardize myself. As the other girls filled the classroom, Allison slightly looked over her shoulder. I pointed at her from under my desk and she notices as I gave her my stare.

She quickly turned around. Surely she didn't tell the nuns about what had happened because I could always defend myself by telling them about how she pushed me. Allison knew better but she had no idea how dark my soul really way. How black my heart truly is. Would you shove me knowing what is written in these pages? I think not! Even a lunatic would know better.

My head suddenly became filled with violent thoughts about what I would like to do to her. To hang her with her own intestines. To gut her like a fish. To put enough holes in her she would be looking more like a piece of Swiss cheese than a human being!

I placed my book in front of me as Sister Margaret entered. "Afternoon class. Let's get this started now, shall we? Let's open out books to Page 81 and we will leave off with yesterday's Algebra lesson." she said pleasantly. I tried to focus and move my thoughts to the lesson at hand.

Allison would pay in due time. If I couldn't be violent then I could be clever in thinking of some way to fuck with her. Now more than ever I had to present myself as gentle and innocent. As a lost child yearning for love and acceptance. It really didn't matter much what the children thought of me. It was the nuns who I had to constantly impress. Most rational people would probably let the incident slide by if they were in my position but that just isn't the way that Leena Klammer operates!

By letting it slide I felt like I wouldn't be doing myself the proper justice. I looked out the windows once more and placed my head in my hand. I played with my pencil in the other. I became lost in thought for a time. "Esther…Esther dear". I jolted slightly and turned to face Sister Margaret.

The girls looked at me and a few of them giggled. "Is everything okay?" she asked concerned. I shook myself back into reality. "Sorry, Sister Margaret, my mind was elsewhere" I explained. "Please pay attention, dear" she reprimanded. She went back to her lesson plan. I was able to focus on her words and every once in a while I would glance up from my book to sneer at Allison. "All in due time" I thought.

The next hour came and went and the lesson plan finished. Sister Judith came in afterwards and served cartons of cold skim milk to us as she did everyday. Afterwards, the children were excused to recess and I continued to sit as Allison passed me. She glanced in my direction and I stared coldly. She turned her head towards me as she passed and I let my head follow her movement before she retreated to the hallway. I watched as a friend of hers caught up with her.

Sister Margaret sat and did paperwork as I was the last one to leave the classroom. I wanted to stalk Allison! I almost wanted to wish that she knew who she was up against.

It might sound incredibly cruel that a 33 year old woman should take revenge on an 11 year old child but this is a three-time child killer who is writing these accounts! She can be counted among the lucky ones who don't get to see me stabbing them to death as the last vision that they have in this world. It wasn't just being cautious that kept me from causing her serious harm but it truly and honestly were the words of my sister.

I decided to heed her advice for once and see what happens but that didn't mean I was going to remain some hapless victim of a person one-third my age! I went back to my dorm room and tossed my book underneath the bed. I sat down on the edge of my bottom bunk and slammed my fists into the mattress repeatedly in my frustration. I don't need to reiterate the lack of control that often defines the essence of my personality.

I watched the door in anticipation. I WANTED her to enter so badly! I waited but she did not enter. I stood up and looked out the window onto the front lawn and she was down there running around with her classmates. She suddenly glanced up casually and we actually make extended eye contact. I could tell that she was starting to get scared of me.

Maybe she sensed my abhorrent nature under all of the make-up and the constant smiles and pleasant mannerisms. I would be sleeping below her tonight. I hoped she wouldn't sleep a wink! Suddenly one of the other roommates, a girl named Tiffany Brutowski, appeared in the doorway and asked if I would play with her. She is a truly sweet girl of about eight years old.

I could really feel motherly instincts towards her due to her age. I smiled and motioned for her to come to me. Like me she didn't seem to click with the rest of the girls. She skipped into the room. "And what would you like to play, dear?" I asked.

Sister Abigail suddenly appeared in the doorway and watched us happily. She leaned against the doorway with her arms crossed in front of her. I noticed her but Tiffany seemed oblivious to her presence. Sister Abigail left and quickly as she had come and it was just the two of us. "Truth or dare", she responded with cheer. I wanted to practice being a mother now. I knew I would be one some day.

"Okay honey, would you like to go first?" I asked gently. We sat on the floor facing each other. She nodded and asked the first question. "What's your favorite color?" she asked innocently. "Black" I responded. That was the truth. She seemed taken aback my this. It wasn't pink or yellow like most girls would respond. "Okay, my turn, who's your favorite Sister here?", I was referring to the nuns, of course. "Sister Abigail by far" she said. "And why is that?" I asked.

"Because she is the nicest one I think" I nodded and smiled. "Yes, yes she is. Okay, now it's your turn." Her eyes looked upwards as she puzzled over what to ask. "Okay, I've got one. What's the worst thing you have ever done" she asked. Wow! I could talk for hours now, couldn't I? But I decided to tell her anyways about one of the worst things that I had ever done, in Estonian of course. "Viimase pere, kes võttis mind. I mõrvati kõiki neid ja põletas maja maha." This meant, "The last family who adopted me. I murdered them all and burned the house down." She was very confused. "What does that mean?" she asked. She had no clue.

"It means I left my cat outside too long when I was living with my last family and he got lost." As usual I could fabricate some shit right on the spot. It was once again my turn. "Okay, this one is a dare, I dare you to take something from Sister Abigail's office and bring it back to me."

Once again she was confused. "No, that's bad" she said shaking her head. I leaned over closer to her. "Sweetheart, this is truth or dare right?" She nodded. "But I like Sister Abigail. Now I don't want to play anymore" she whined. I rolled my eyes in disappointment. I lied to the sweet child. "I'll be your best friend ever if you do it for me, PLEASSSSSEEEE" I begged.

She gulped and stared into my eyes. She exhaled deeply. "What…what should I take?" she asked with a little apprehension in her little voice. "I don't know, something that is large enough to fit in your hand. Something bigger than a pencil or a pen.." I instructed. "You'll really be a friend if I do this because I don't really have any friends here" she said sadly. I nodded and stood up and she did as well.

"I'll stay up here Tiffany. If you can't do it now then you can do it later. Just be quick and be VERY careful. Make sure nobody is around." She nodded and made her way into the hallway. There was a method I had behind this. I was going to have her steal something from Sister Abigail and then plant it on Allison and get her into trouble for stealing it. The plan itself seemed childish, something that a child would think of, but even as an adult I knew I couldn't be outwardly violent towards Allison.

Believe me, I still wanted to do FAR worse to her but I would be content if could just get her in trouble and be punished for it. Then she would know that I wasn't going to take any shit from her or anyone else. I knew Tiffany would stay silent if I remained friendly with her. I hoped Tiffany wouldn't get caught in fear that she may place the blame on me. That is why I urged her to be careful. I waited and waited. It took her twenty whole minutes but she finally came back.

In her hand was a small four inch tall statuette of the Virgin Mary. She was elegantly painted with her hands clasped together in prayer. Her eyes closed in humble humility. I gave Allison a huge smile as she extended the object to me. "Why thank you so very much, Tiffany. I'm proud of you." She looked like she felt guilty. "I'm just going to borrow this Tiffany. I promise I'll bring it back."

She smiled when I said I would return it. She never bothered to question why exactly I needed to "borrow" it. "You promise not to tell ANYONE? If you tell I won't be friends with you anymore!" I became a little stern. "I promise…not a soul." she begged. "That's a good girl. Do you still want to play?" I asked. "I want to go play outside because it's nice. Come and play with me." she beckoned excitedly.

"Give me a minute Tiff, you go on ahead and I'll catch up with you." She smiled and skipped happily away. I decided that now would be the perfect time to plant the statuette on Allison. On our bunk beds, each bed had a foam lining on the bottom and a mattress on top. This means I could hide the statuette in between the mattress and the foam which I did quickly.

I then climbed on top of where she would be sleeping and lied down on the mattress. I couldn't feel a thing underneath me. The great thing to was that since each bunk was assigned by the nuns, she couldn't just sleep somewhere else tonight. I wasn't going to tell the nuns that I seen her steal. Sister Abigail would certainly notice that it was missing in a short while.

The statuette had stood prominently on a bookshelf in her office. I was absolutely positive that she would conduct a search for the sacred object. "Now we wait, Leena." I said aloud as I trotted my way downstairs and then outside. Tiffany had returned to her normal happy self with the reassurance that the object would be returned. I knew that even if Allison was blamed that Tiffany would keep her mouth shut.

She knew it was the only way to keep my "friendship" and I knew she was dying to finally have an older friend to play with her and look after her. Even though I had just used this little girl to my own advantage I did feel a motherly instinct towards her. I approached her and placed my hand on her shoulder in a reassuring manner that I was indeed her friend.

I wanted to be a mother to her, not a friend. I looked to my left and I noticed Allison whispering among two of her friends. They kept looking at me and whispering once again among themselves. They were clearly talking about me. I'm sure Allison was talking shit. Finally Allison pointed towards me as they were speaking. Now I knew something was on. For the first time since arriving here I was about to be teased yet again. One of her friends was a tall girl of about ten named Ashley.

The other was about the same age and her name was Debbie. They both had light brown hair. A contrast in comparison to Allison's blonde bimbo look. I tried to ignore them and walk behind Tiffany who had gone ahead of me. I was going to play with her when the two other girls began to approach. Allison stayed put where she was. "Hey foreign girl. What's your problem with Allison? If you don't like us why don't you go back to wherever you came from you airhead." shouted Ashley.

"Leave me the hell ALONE!" I barked back. Debbie suddenly mocked my Estonian accent and repeated what I had just said before in a fake accent before the two girls broke out in laughter. "Go back to Russia or wherever you came from" teased Ashley. Allison in the background looked very amused. I glared at them. I had to control myself at whatever the cost. If I attacked them the odds of me being adopted by another family would become very slim, after all, who would want to adopt a "problem child"?

There were small twigs and sticks that had fallen from the trees during the Winter lying about. The two girls made sure none of the Sisters were watching and then began throwing sticks at me. I backed away and looked behind me and seen that Tiffany was watching. "Idiot foreign kid" shouted Debbie. "Stupid girl, STUPID GIRL!" teased Ashley. Tiffany seemed pissed and suddenly came to my aid in a most surprising way. "LEAVE ESTHER ALONE! SHE'S MY FRIEND!" she yelled.

She suddenly charged Ashley and knocked her to the ground. I had to keep myself from laughing as she began pummeling the girl. Debbie tried to pull her off her friend and now it was two on one. I wanted to join in and smash some heads but I had to remain in control, and that was so difficult to do.

"Control…remember Syrah's words, Leena…self-control or you can ruin everything!" I told myself. I watched on and the other girls immediately took notice. One of them called for Sister Abigail and the nun soon rushed out along with Sister Judith.

Little Tiffany had put up one hell of a fight against the two larger girls but they were now in control and had her pinned and were slapping and hitting her repeatedly. I just stood and watched. I didn't want to get involved simply for fear of being implicated. I stood there staring blankly as the two nuns pried the two girls away from Tiffany.

Tiffany cried pathetically as Sister Judith angrily grabbed the girls to their feet and immediately escorted them into the house. "Send them to my office immediately, Sister Judith" said a stunned Sister Abigail. She helped Tiffany to her feet and everyone continued to watch. Allison was stunned and knew that she no longer had the upper hand against me. I decided I wouldn't go after Debbie and Ashley as I'm sure they would receive very stiff punishment for what they had done to Tiffany.

"They, they were throwing things at Esther", I suddenly became nervous as she said this as Sister Abigail stared in my direction. I looked on as if I had nothing to do with it. "Esther tried to ignore them…", I suddenly cut her off. "She tried to help me and tell them to leave me alone but they ganged up on her." I told Sister Abigail. I didn't even bother to fabricate an explanation as to why I hadn't helped Tiffany but Abigail was too concerned for the welfare of Tiffany.

After all, she was the head of Saint Mariana's and was absolutely responsible for everything that happens here. It sucked like hell that just when I thought I was somehow fitting into my new environment that I now had three girls who had to cross me. Had this happened in any other setting where nobody was around I would have possibly murdered them.

That is the honest truth. My sister's words meant nothing when I became enraged. This was the feeling that was boiling inside of my heart but I didn't show it in any outward mannerisms or expressions. I just watched as poor Tiffany was led gently into the house. Her arm was wrapped around Abigail's waist as the nun held her and led her inside. Allison immediately met my gaze once again.

I showed my teeth angrily at her like a wild animal. Once again she seemed frightened of me. Any plans she had of her friends teasing me had totally backfired and now she was surely to be blamed for the theft of the statuette that I had planted. I could thank little Tiffany for not only stealing for me but taking a beating as well. I didn't like seeing this girl get hurt, I'll be honest with that.

It's strange. The manipulative side of me wanted to use her for my objectives but there was a whole other side of me that wanted to play the "mommy" game with her. She was almost like a practice child of sorts. It seemed to already be switching back and forth. I felt some level of care for her. I did feel sorry that she had to get caught up in everything but what happened, happened.

I'm sure Abigail and the others would view Tiffany as a victim rather than a bully. Both Ashley and Debbie knew damn well that I had done nothing wrong to them and that no excuses out of their rotten little mouths would placate the anger of the Sisters towards them.

The children began talking amongst each other as to what they had just seen. "Unbelievable", said one of them. "Those girls are going to be in big trouble now" was an obvious answer from yet another girl. I suddenly smiled at Allison. She stuck her tongue out at me. I was going to shoot the finger at her but I was surrounded by most of the children. I didn't want to put my ass in any hot water. Allison began to walk away.

Some time had passed. For over two hours I remained outside with the other girls just walking around and observing and listening to the glorious sights and sounds of a Spring afternoon. The children had long since returned to their innocent games and meanderings. Allison was keeping her distance from me. It quickly became obvious to me that Allison would not get into any trouble for what had happened with her friends and Tiffany. None of the Sisters called her into the house.

I guess her friends decided not to snitch against her. I'm sure that Allison had provoked them into teasing and tormenting me. Allison knew damn well how I must have been feeling and sure as hell was wise enough to keep her distance. After awhile Sister Judith came outside and approached me. I sure as hell hoped I didn't have to take any shit over this whole situation. "Hello Esther, may I ask you something? You're not in trouble or anything." she asked gently. "What is it?" I asked.

She got down on one knee and looked me in the eyes. "Now we talked to Tiffany and she said that the girls ganged up on her after she tried to help you, is this true? Because the girls claimed that Tiffany was the one who attacked them first." I decided on the spot to support Tiffany and simply lie to help her out. After all, she had unknowingly helped me in framing Allison, a plan that was yet to come into fruition.

"Trust me, everything Tiffany said is true. They started teasing me and she stood up to them and that was when they got in her face and began hurting her. I was too scared to stop them." I lied. The pretty Hispanic woman assured me that she believe me and that everything would be taken care of as far as Ashley and Debbie were concerned.

"Please tell Tiffany that I thank her for at least standing up to me" I asked. She agreed to do so and she turned away. "Wait, Sister Judith, what exactly is going to happen to those girls", I had to know. "Ashley and Debbie? Two months of detention for each one of them and a letter of apology to both you and Tiffany. That means no recess or activities for either of them. Why do you ask?" I shrugged.

"Just wanted to know because I feel so bad for Tiffany." Judith nodded in polite understanding. "Everything is taken care of, if they cause you anymore trouble you let us know." I nodded and thanked her as Judith went along her way. At least those two would be taken care of. I knew they had to be as pissed and angry as hell towards me but now I was positive they wouldn't dare be fucking with me against anytime soon. They were two less problems that I had to worry about.

Now, more than ever, I wanted to make Allison pay. If she wanted to continued playing bitch games then I would make sure she suffers the same fate as her friends. As far as the Sisters knew, they had no clue about the new feud between Allison and myself nor the fact that the whole fight stemmed from her animosity towards me. Soon, Sister Margaret came outside and shouted for everybody to come back in for dinner.

The girls always seemed disappointed that their play had to end. I joined the mass of children as we made out way inside. Allison was walking slowly behind the rest of the girls. I relished the thought that we had to sleep together tonight. I'm not so sure as to why she was so bold as to have her friends tease me only to become frightened of me yet again.

Perhaps she was frightened the whole time and had her friends do the dirty work for her because she was too much of a chicken shit to confront me herself. Now they were paying the price. We entered the large communal dining hall. Simple wooden tables and folding chairs made up the furniture. As all of us entered I noticed that Ashley and Debbie were nowhere in sight.

I can imagine they were sent to bed early without dinner. As I stood in the chow line I overheard some of the girls were still discussing the fight but there was nothing said about me. Apparently something of this magnitude had never occurred here before, at least not among these girls.

I placed the plastic tray in front of the servers. Green beans, some corn bread, macaroni and meatloaf along with a carton of chocolate milk. It was an improvement over the Russian orphanage where they constantly served soup and porridge.

I got my food and suddenly realized that Tiffany was seated at the back table. She smiled and waved when she noticed me in line. I smiled and waved back. I was grateful she was such a sport for me today. After receiving my meal I approached her and took my place next to her. "Is everything okay?" I asked. "Yes, Debbie, Ashley, they were sent to bed early." She had just confirmed what I had thought.

"Good, Sister Judith told me they got two months worth of detention for what they did today. No recess and no activities." She added to what I just said. "She told me too that they have to write apology letters to us." I nodded. "I don't really care for one, so long as they got what they had coming to them." I gently stroked Tiffany's hair. She faced me.

"You know, you didn't have to stand up for me like you did today so I thank you for that." She smiled happily. "You're welcome buy don't worry about me, I'm over it now. Nothing like that ever happened to me before." she admitted. That motherly instinct was with me at this point. I felt like a mother hen protecting her chick from danger. I gave her a kiss on the top of her head. I wanted to let her know that I would be with her.

"I'm sorry I didn't step in to stop the fight" I said into her ear. She nodded understandably. "Don't worry Esther. I'm just glad we're friends now." I felt an urge to latch onto her and protect her. The two goals in my life were to have a man as my lover and a child to nurture and raise and protect. I finally felt the urge to admit to Tiffany why I had her retrieve the statuette for me.

"Tiffany, I want to tell you something, that statuette that you got for me earlier today? Well, I think we both know that Allison set those girls up against me. I put it under her mattress. That way Sister Abigail will know it's missing and go looking for it and once she searches our room she'll find it on Allison and she'll get what she has coming for what she did to us." Her eyes grew wide.

I let my demeanor take a more serious tone as I asked her, "You're not going to tell on me, are you?" She shook her head. "I hope she gets in trouble" she said. "I'm sorry I used you like that". I could see the understanding in her eyes. I wanted to be a mother SO badly. I knew if I ever had children that I could never allow myself to hurt or abuse them. Why would I ever abuse something that I yearned so badly for to begin with in the first place?

I whispered into her ear, "Ma tahan olla oma uue emme nii halvasti nüüd." She once again was perplexed by my native tongue. It means, "I want to be your new mommy so badly now." Of course I never told her this. "What does that mean? I don't know what you're saying."

I stroked her hair as she placed a fork full of green beans into her mouth. "I thanked you in Estonian for everything you did for me today." She was content with this explanation. She smiled. "What country are you from Esther? What is that you were speaking?" I let out a little laugh.

"I am from Estonia. It's a little country in Europe. Far, far away from here." She picked at her food as I began eating myself. I wanted to know more about her. "Tiffany, how did you get here? To this place?" She wore a long face as I asked this. "I only had a daddy and he drank beer a lot and he would hit me and scream at me so some people took me away and brought me here to find a new family. They couldn't find a family for me so soon." she explained. I stroked her some more.

"Look at me Tiffany, I have a sister in Estonia, her name is Syrah, and she cares a lot about me. I can be that kind of person to you if you want." I gripped her hand in mine. I looked into her eyes lovingly. "You make me want to be here now. I didn't want to before" she said, I wished I could take her away from this place. If I could be a mother figure to her then I would do my best to do so.

You see, I'm not a total monster after all. There are people who I can bond with when I want to and there are those people who I can simply throw away. Often times I had no control over which. I promised myself to at least look after her. I stared down at the meal set before me. I really wasn't hungry. I had to force the food down. "Would you like my milk?" I asked her.

She nodded in delight and I gave it to her. I exhaled deeply and watched Allison sitting several tables away. She was by herself as her friends were of course sent to bed earlier. She was oblivious to me staring at her from afar.

I became lost for a moment before Tiffany gently shook my arm. "If you stare at her she's going to tell someone" she argued. I agreed with her and went back to eating the now cold meatloaf that lied in a pathetically congealed pile on the side of my tray.

Sure enough, after a shore while, I seen Sister Abigail ambling around the room as if looking for someone. An elderly nun by the name of Sister Anne approached her to see what was wrong. They were only about ten feet away from us and I had to listen hard over the voices of the children in order to hear them. "Have you seen the statue, Anne? It's gone missing! I've just noticed this now. That was a gift from His Holiness! Do you know what happened to it?" she asked in a near panic.

I pretended not to pay any attention and Tiffany took my cue to do the same. "Okay, Tiffany, this is where the fun begins. Watch her search and find it." I whispered gleefully. Sister Margaret came in and excused us from the chow hall if we were finished eating. Both of us having already cleared out plates, Tiffany and I took our leave. Several of the children went ahead of us and ascended the staircase.

"Come on! I want to see this!" I told her. Like an obedient servant she followed me to our dorm room. Four of us girls were in the room just going about our business and relaxing; I stood with Tiffany by the doorway in anticipation of either Allison showing up or Sister Abigail. Sure enough, just as I had suspected, a very worried Sister Abigail showed up and entered without notice.

An equally concerned Sister Anne followed in tow. "We have to find it Anne! That statuette means a lot to us!" she insisted. "Well what would you like me to do?" asked Anne. "Just search everywhere!" she said urgently. Sister Anne took a moment to address the four of us.

"Girls, don't be alarmed, a very important statue from the Pope has gone missing from Sister Abigail's office and we are simply trying to locate it. Don't be alarmed!" I felt like bursting with excitement. Tiffany on the other hand seemed completely neutral as to what was going on.

I held her little hand in mine. The two nuns searched the closets and the small storage chests lined up against one side of the room. Then to my exhilaration, Sister Abigail began searching the beds. She started with the ones on the far end of the room and worked her way over to where Allison and myself slept.

I swear, judging by the look on her face she looked like she was going to have a heart attack! She bent over and looked underneath my bed and lifted the mattress. She searched just as thoroughly as she had the others. Nothing! I wanted to laugh triumphantly as she stood up and checked the last bed - Allison's!

Sure enough, she found the statuette right where I had left it. "Sister Anne! I've found it! I've found it!" she said excitedly. "Oh, God be praised!" she answered in gratitude. "Stupid religious sheep", I though to myself. Sister Abigail immediately took much more stern attitude. She looked Sister Anne in the eyes.

"Find Allison immediately. This was found under HER bed!" she ordered. Sister Anne didn't have to go anywhere. Right as she was about to turn and leave, Allison showed up completely oblivious to what was going on. "YOU YOUNG LADY!" shouted Sister Abigail as she waved her finger and Allison. Tiffany and I could only watch as the scene unfolded before our eyes.

"WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING? STEALING FROM MY OFFICE?" she yelled. Allison was totally stunned. Her eyes grew wide and her mouth opened. She shook her head in complete protest. "Sister Abigail…what, I don't know what you're talking about!" she pleaded. Sister Abigail angrily held the small statuette out in front of her.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME AND ALL OF THE OTHER SISTERS? WHAT GIVES YOU A RIGHT TO STEAL FROM ME? DOWNSTAIRS, NOW!" she yelled pointing sternly to the hallway. Allison began to weep as Sister Abigail forcibly grabbed the girl by the arm and escorted her for what I was sure would be an appropriate punishment.

I told Allison that she would get burned if she fucked with me and now I had the last laugh in the matter. The two other girls exited the dorm and watched as Allison pleaded and cried out that she had done nothing wrong. Sister Abigail was certainly not buying any of it. "NO! SISTER ABIGAIL! PLLLLEAASSSSEEE! I DIDN'T STEAL FROM YOU!" Allison's pleas grew fainter as she was led further away.

I turned towards Tiffany and looked down at her. I gave her a mischievous smile and to my surprise she smiled back. She was glad that I had taken care of Allison. I nipped that problem in the bud before it grew into something worse. Nobody was going to believe in any yarn that Allison had to spin.

Who would suspect me of any wrong doing? These nuns loved me to pieces! "Well, Tiffany, would you say that was a job well done on our part?" She laughed and nodded profusely. "I hope she gets detention forever" she joked happily. I smiled blissfully at her as I relished in my victory. And to think that all of this could have been avoided had Allison kept her mouth shut and her hands off of me.

As I wrote earlier though, Allison can count herself among the lucky ones along with those two little sluts that she has for friends. Maybe I can be judged as having a negative influence on impressionable children such as Tiffany. I, on the other hand, think I taught her a valuable life lesson.

Never let anyone walk all over you! I couldn't resist the urge to head downstairs and eavesdrop on whatever was going on in Sister Abigail's office. Certainly there would be a hell of a lot of explaining to be done. Tiffany followed me like a shadow and we carefully made our way downstairs and to her office. The large wooden door was closed and the conversation was muffled but we got close enough to where we could hear what was going on.

Sister Abigail was more cooled off and collected than she just was moments before. "Why won't you just tell me the truth, Allison. Just say you took it and apologize and we can let this go or you can keep going with your story." I could hear that little bitch Allison weeping as Abigail spoke to her. "Somebody put it there, Sister Abigail. I've never been in trouble before.

I think it was that Esther girl because she doesn't like me." Tiffany looked at me shocked as if I were about to get screwed myself. "It's okay Tiffany, she won't believe her." We continued listening. "First of all, that is simply something you said may have happened, Esther Sullivan is a sweet girl, I know her better than that and I know she would ever do such a thing, Allison.", Abigail pointed out. I could breathe a sigh of relief. Just as I had predicted Sister Abigail would never buy her story.

Allison continued to plead her innocence until the bitter end. Sister Abigail had finally had enough. I couldn't believe she would be gullible enough to fall for my trick. "You know what Allison, you can say whatever you want, you don't want to take responsibility for what you've done, that's fine, one month of detention. No activities. No recess. You go upstairs and go to bed and I don't want to hear another word out of you for the rest of the day. You're excused, Allison."

Upon hear those words I took Tiffany by the arm and we raced away as quickly as possible before the door opened. We hid behind a corner and listened as a distraught and crying Allison made her way into the hallway and then watched as she slowly climbed the stairs. Tiffany and I had succeeded in successfully crushing her ego today on top of her punishment.

I hugged Tiffany and we jumped up and down together. "She won't bother us anymore." I said. I gave her a little kiss of reassurance and for a job well done. Things could have turned out so much worse for those girls. I can still remember Samantha choking on her own blood after I stabbed the living shit out of her. A month of detention paled in comparison to the fate she may have otherwise suffered. If she knew who I really was she would be glad to take the punishment. I whispered lovingly into her ear. "Emme armastab sind", or "Mommy loves you." She looked up at me.

"What?" I shook my head. "It's nothing Tiff, I'm going to the day room." I beckoned her to follow me and we took a seat on the couch and watched television among a group of the other girls. This was how most of us relaxed after a day of study and play. She seemed really upbeat about having somebody who would finally pay attention to her.

Still, she wasn't the reason I was here. I was waiting for my man to show up. It was still all so unsettling to wonder about how long it would take. The big problem is time. If I stayed here for say a year or two it would be awfully suspicious that "Esther Sullivan" wasn't physically growing at all. It was hard enough having to sneak into the bathroom to apply make-up or the fear of unwrapping my gauze before a shower. I figured that I could eek it out for a year at the maximum but a year comes and goes all too quickly.

Time was imperative. Time was of the absolute essence. Tiffany sat ever so close to me. I knew that if and when I were adopted that I would likely have to leave her behind. She was my "practice child" as I wrote earlier. I knew being a mother would be something alien and completely new for me if I ever got the chance.

The girls flipped randomly through the channels like mindless zombies. A bad day had turned into a triumphant victory for myself. I actually felt like smiling knowing what I was putting those three girls through upstairs. I felt proud of myself and I felt proud of Tiffany.

I put my arm around her waist she placed her head under my arm and dozed off. The most beautiful part of all of this was that I still remained above all suspicion. I rationalized that Allison knew that I had planted the statuette there and there wasn't a damn thing she was going to do about it.

I think she had it within her head as well that if she dared tried to take revenge on me that I would be forced to take far more drastic measures against her. If that had to be the case there was no telling to what extent I would be able to control myself. For the time being though, I took full relish in what I had just done knowing full well that no matter what happened from this point forward that I would always have the upper hand…and nobody else…

**In Chapter 26, Allison and her friends attempt to take revenge against Esther but they find that luck is not on their side. Esther also continues to try and mold Tiffany's personality in a way that Esther views as appropriate…Thanks to all my fans as usual for reading and commenting…**


	26. Sweet Revenge

**In Chapter 25, Esther meets a little girl named Tiffany at the Girl's Home. The two quickly strike up a friendship but Esther uses Tiffany to help frame Allison, a girl who had become an enemy of Esther's. Later, Tiffany attacks two girls who were friends of Allison, who happened to be making fun of Esther. Allison's friends also get into trouble and Esther once again gains the upper hand on her new enemies through the actions of Tiffany. In the meantime, Leena finds that she has motherly feelings towards Tiffany that are growing and wants to practice at "being a mommy"…but in this chapter, Tiffany still has problems with one of Allison's friends, prompting Leena to take action yet again in revenge…**

It was another warm Saturday afternoon. Not too much different than any other Spring day in New England. There were of course no classes. No strict schedules to adhere to as there were during the week. The weekend was a time for me to relax and reflect on my thoughts and feelings. Tiffany and I sat side by side at our painting easels in the day room. The sun bathed the room in it's pleasant light which fell gently upon our faces, filling us with it's warmth. Tiffany seemed to be growing happier and happier with each passing day now that I was in her life. I really didn't want anything bad to happen to her from this point forward. As far as I was concerned at the time she was my daughter. At least that was what I thought of her as. Of course she never was aware of this but she could definitely seem to sense the growing love that I had for her. I had limited interactions with the other children so Tiffany was pretty much the only child that an adult such as myself could work with. That is not to say that it wasn't awkward. I had no clue as to how to be a mother to anyone. My own mother was severely mentally ill and really couldn't care for Syrah and I when we were growing up. I honestly didn't have much of a clue as to what I was doing or how to do it. I simply did my best to listen to Tiffany and find out all I could about her. For a girl who was abused she couldn't seem happier. She was painting a whale under the ocean. I was painting a portrait of Paul who was still very much on my mind. I had already completed a portrait of Syrah. I glanced over at Tiffany's work from time to time. "You're very talented, my dear" I told her. She smiled so beautifully at my compliment. She was just soaking it all up. It was obvious she didn't receive much praise, if any, until I came along. She glowed with every encouraging word that I directed towards her.

"You're better than me, Esther. Is that the daddy you used to have?" she asked. I nodded. "He was such a wonderful man. I miss him every day. I wish he were still here. I think he still is in some way. That is what I want to believe" I explained. Tiffany became a little sad. She knew how much it hurt for me to have lost Paul. It was as if she were somehow connected to my emotions. She at least could relate with me on some level. I didn't have to use words to express how I was feeling. She just knew. I admired that quality in her. "At least he didn't hurt you like my daddy did. He was so, SO mean to me. Just so mean" she said sadly. I put my brush down for a moment and looked over to her with a reassuring look. "At least we're safe here. We'll find somebody. We'll find somebody soon. That's all we can hope for. Do you understand this?" She looked into my eyes. "Yes, yes I do. I don't want to spend forever here though." She suddenly put her own brush down and became teary eyed. Her mood took a sudden turn for the worse. "I just want a family to love me. A daddy who won't hit me", she suddenly began to cry uncontrollably. I was quick to lean over and catch her in my embrace. She sobbed into my shoulder. I comforted her much in the same way that Syrah would comfort me. "Now everything is going to be fine, Tiffany. You'll have that family one day. Believe that you will. I promise it will happen. We both need to just hang in there. Calm down now. Just calm down. Let's not get worked up over this. It won't help you." I was surprised how quick her emotions had changed. I really did feel like a mother at this moment. It was exhilarating despite how sorry I felt for this child. It was an unfortunately short moment before Sister Anne interrupted us. "Oh no! What is wrong here? Tiffany, why are you crying?" she asked, hurrying to her aid. I wanted to be the one to comfort her not this nun. She breathed heavily as she collected herself. "I'm fine, Sister Anne, really, I am", Tiffany insisted. I knew that was so far from the truth. At least I knew not to bring up the topic of her biological family with her. "Esther, why was she crying?" asked the nun insistently. I hesitated but decided to tell her. "She just wants a new family. That's all it is. Nothing bad happened." I told the prying woman. I looked back at Tiffany. "We all want a new family. We're here to find that family" I told the child. Tiffany wouldn't make eye contact with us. She seemed ashamed to have broken down in the way that she did. After all, she always seemed to be trying to impress the other girls as well as the nuns. She didn't want to be seen as weak and who could blame her for that?

"Tiffany, if you want to talk about this, you can talk with me" the nun said softly. "No really, I'm fine. I'm sorry". The nun cocked her head slightly. "Don't be sorry" I told Tiffany. I wrapped my arms around her. We were the only two girls in the room at the time so none of the children witnessed the incident. "Are you sure? Because we can talk later." Sister Anne was starting to aggravate me. Tiffany nodded and rubbed her eyes. "Okay, if that is what you want, but you take it easy Tiffany." Tiffany acknowledged her. Sister Anne bent over and whispered very gently into my ear. "Thanks for being her friend. She really needs one right now." I bit my lower lip. "Not a problem at all. She'll be fine in a little while. Everything's fine here." Sister Anne silently walked away, looking behind her at the pathetic little creature who so desperately wanted a new family. At least I could completely empathize with her plight. Of course the very reasons as to WHY we wanted new families were vastly different, Honestly though, my priorities were still above those of Tiffany. If a family I liked came along I would still consider Tiffany as potential competition. I wished ideally that the same family would take us both in but I seen this as unlikely. It wasn't because I wanted Tiffany to rot here. I just realized that time was ticking down for me with each passing day. As I wrote before, I would never "grow" as all the other girls would. I had to place my own needs above those of Tiffany. That was an unfortunate reality but that was how it had to be. In the meantime I felt fortunate that at least I had her to bond with and the time in which to do it.

Tiffany released herself from my embrace and she sat back up. "I don't think I want to paint anymore today." she said sadly. "Don't let what happened to you get you down." I responded. "I need to go to the bathroom." She silently got up and left the room. My eyes followed her as she left me alone. I knew she wanted to cry in private. I would let her be for the time being. I would respect her privacy. I looked at my portrait of Paul. I stared into the eyes of my painting. I wanted to cry myself. I was still so broken inside. I was still torn up like a piece of paper. It was hard to wake up every morning and realize where I was. I was so far from Maine, so far from Estonia, so far from my dreams. I looked out the window and my eyes glanced over to a tree. I stood up slowly and looked at the tree. I noticed a small birds nest. In an instant, a bird flew gracefully into the nest with some worms and I noticed several little hatchlings moving about urgently with their mouths wide open. It was time for the mother bird to feed her chicks. I watched as the mother bird tenderly fed her offspring. She was all that the baby chicks had to protect and nurture them. I put my hand gently on the glass pane and watched for a few moments. I became lost in the scene. It was almost hypnotic. I was suddenly startled back into reality. "Esther, Esther…you have a package!" I turned around and noticed Sister Judith. "I have what?" I asked. "A package", she responded. I placed it next to your bed upstairs. "I don't know who it is from but the return address is from Estonia" she added. I smiled realizing that it had to be from Syrah. I quickly sprang out of the room and rushed passed Sister Judith. "Esther, no running now!" she hollered. I slowed down and walked up the stairs to my empty dorm room. There was a large box on my bed. I was eager to see what she could have possibly sent. I plunked myself down on the mattress and seen the return address was indeed Syrah's. "What else could she have sent me?" I thought. Maybe she had forgotten something. The brown cardboard box was taped solidly and I struggled to open the top flaps. After a few moments I managed to pry the box open. Syrah had not informed me that she would be sending a package. She had sent all of my dresses and everything else back when I was staying with Jennifer. Perhaps it was a late Birthday gift!

There was a large bag of homemade cookies that she had made. She had also sent a variety of photos of herself along with numerous books. She knew that I read a lot. She also included an envelope containing three hundred U.S. dollars. She also sent a variety of painting utensils such as paints and brushes. I had plenty of these here where I was but I was glad that she was so thoughtful Also enclosed was a letter that she had written. I gingerly opened the folded paper and began to read. In short, she said that she hoped her package would help to cheer me up and that she still cared very much about my well-being. She didn't mention any of the murders but she alluded that she never loved me any less than she already does. I wish I had something to send back to her. I suddenly thought of the portrait I made of her. It wasn't of the best quality but at least I could return the favor. That was really all I could send her. Everything I owned though, everything that I absolutely needed, was stuffed into a few worn suitcases. My life was literally housed underneath my bed! I decided that I would call her and thank her as soon as possible. It put me in a wonderful mood. A mood that I seldom ever felt. For days after I had told Syrah about murdering the Sullivans, I was scared to death that she hated my very guts. The visceral fear of being disowned by the only soul I had left. It was a gut-wrenching feeling. I wanted to make her proud of me for a change. For years all I had been doing is disappointing her time and time again. I put her through enough hell. I was doing my best to walk the straight and narrow as she wanted me too but yet again I had three enemies that I had to deal with. Besides, walking the "straight and narrow" just wasn't in my nature. Still, I had gratitude for this package. Things were beginning to get stressful here at Saint Mariana's and her gesture of kindness reassured me of how she really felt about me. Syrah was so incredibly forgiving. Her knowing what I had done. She still went out of her way to give me at least a little comfort. I suddenly heard soft footsteps on the old wooden floor coming down the hallway. It was Tiffany. She was very much like my shadow. Always there with me. She had returned to her old self. "What is that box?" she asked. "My sister Syrah, in Estonia, she sent me a box full of things." I told her happily. I patted the mattress next to me. "Tule istu kõrval emme" I told her gently. This means, "come sit next to mommy". She didn't bother to question my language, she happily took her seat and placed her head against my arm. I opened the bag of cookies and offered her one. Tiffany happily accepted the sugary treat as any child would. "She made those", I told her.

Her eyes were transfixed on the photos Syrah had sent. "Is that her?" she asked curiously. I nodded. "Yes, I haven't seen her in such a long time. We're really close." As any child, Tiffany had her questions. "How old is she?". I smiled. "She is 38", I suddenly realized that this meant she was almost 30 years older than "Esther". Tiffany immediately criticized this. "No way! Your like nine Esther!" I quickly "corrected" myself. "Sorry Tiffany, she's 24. Just wasn't thinking straight." Tiffany was satisfied by this explanation. Of course Syrah is 38, she just happens to look young for her age. Tiffany picked up on this. "She looks very young. She's very pretty." Tiffany said as she gently picked up some of the photos. Her boyfriend was in many of them. One of the photos she was at the beach, another she took at her house, etc. "She looks like you when you grow up" Tiffany said. Ever curious she asked more questions. "Does your sister always wear her hair tied in the back?" I smiled as I stared at the pictures that she was now shuffling through her hands. "Yes, most of the time but sometimes she wears it down. I wish you could meet her. She really is the best sister a person could have." Tiffany handed the photos backed to me and gently picked up some of the books Syrah had sent me. There were five in all, one was in English and the rest were Estonian. The English book was a book of ancient and medieval poetry and the others were nature books. Tiffany gently flipped through the pages of each book. I gently stroked the girl's hair. I began eating a few cookies. "May I have another?" she asked. "Of course, take what you want." The child giggled and woofed down another cookie. These past few days I seemed to have calmed down tremendously. I certainly did not feel like the horrific monster that the media in Estonia portrayed me to be. I really found another person to care about here at Saint Mariana's. Lo and behold, I stared absently into the doorway and was met by Allison who had stopped to look at me. She gasped and ran off. She and her friends were not sleeping in the dorms anymore. They were forced to sleep in one of the classrooms as part of their punishment. "She's REALLY scared of you, Esther." Tiffany noted. "Well, now she knows not to mess around with either of us." Tiffany couldn't have agreed more.

I honestly wondered if Allison and her little clique were planning anything against me. Certainly they must have been at least thinking about it. I knew all three of them had to be fuming. I knew Allison wouldn't start any bullshit. She somehow could see through my veneer. She somehow knew what kind of person I truly was. That I could do far, far worse to her if I really wanted to. Maybe she was the only person here who sensed the menacing woman who dwelled within a child's body. The uniform and the make-up and the polite manners that I constantly showed to others. She seen through it. If she dared mess with my "daughter" Tiffany she would pay an even greater price! Tiffany ate yet another cookie and I patted her gently on the head. I wanted to tell her so badly how much I loved her but I knew she might be put-off by this. I wanted to tell her so much that I wanted to be her new mommy. That her search was over. That she had found an adult who would always be there to listen to her. To protect her. To comfort and care for her. I wanted my feelings to come out so much that it almost hurt to keep them bottled up. It was causing a great deal of emotional frustration. This sweet, innocent little eight year old was exactly the kind of child that I wanted to bring up in the world. A child and a man were my only real goals in life. As I watched Tiffany gobble down the cookies I thought of what Syrah had told me. That there was nothing wrong with wanting a child or a man, a family, it was the way that I was going about it. At this point in my life there was simply no other way. The world knew the face of Leena Klammer. I could never be "Leena" in the outside world. Nevertheless, I still had full faith in myself and in my future. I felt the urge to embrace little Tiffany again and I did so. I wanted to feel her warmth. I wanted her to feel that I loved her. I wanted to tell myself that I wasn't some horrible demon. That I indeed was capable of caring for somebody besides my sister. I was absolutely convinced that I would be an excellent mother - someday that is. Yes, I have murdered children in my blind rage. I knew damn well what I was capable of. But would I ever hurt this child who sat next to me? My heart wanted to say no, that such an act was an impossibility, but there was the horrific thought in the back of my head. What if somehow she found out who I really was? Just hypothetically speaking. What would I do to her? I talked myself out of these thoughts as I watched her eat. A good mother will never hurt her own children. We both took delight in each other's company. She was so perfect to me. What more could a mother ask for in a child?

"Don't fill up too much on cookies, dear. You don't want a tummy ache" I warned her gently. "But you go ahead and have the rest for later" I assured her. "Try not to spoil your dinner." I added. Tiffany was instantly obedient and wrapped the bag full of cookies for a later time. I was disappointed and pissed to yet again see Allison standing in the hallway. She must of thought she was out of sight. She was barely visible from my viewpoint. She was surely spying, maybe trying to find some weakness for her to exploit. "Dumbass" I said harshly. "You don't think I don't see you? Watch your back, Allison! Fire burns!" I warned. For the second time she made haste in getting away from me. I stood up to confront her but she was too quick. I wasn't about to become some part of whatever games she was trying to play. I knew she was fearful. It emanated from her core. She knew better than to confront me face to face. She knew she wouldn't win. "Why does she keep coming?" asked Tiffany. "Because she knows you'll whip her" I laughed. "I'll hit her in the head" Tiffany teased. Deep down, I wasn't going to let Allison continue to get to me. I was just going to try my best to let things slide and take it easy for however long I had to stay here. With Tiffany around, Saint Mariana's didn't feel so much as a prison as it had when I first arrived. I couldn't help but contemplate whether or not Tiffany could sense that something terrible was wrong with me. Deep within her mind, does she subconsciously sense the terrible truth that I hide within me? The nuns were too stupid and ignorant to realize this truth. If she did sense that something was wrong with me, she didn't seem to care. I'll likely never know the answer. I was her first real friend in her young life and as far as I was concerned I wanted it to be my responsibility to keep her in my care. "Leena, you'll be a mother one day. A mommy to some little soul" I thought. Tiffany whistled to herself. I decided to take her hand in mine. She didn't seem to mind or really give much notice to this kindly gesture. At least for this moment, time stood still for me. I ever so easily became lost in my own thoughts and fantasies. My heart lifted imagining that Tiffany was my own. That she was of the same blood as I was. Losing her would be a hard loss on me. I knew we would be separated when the right family finally came along for either one of us. I had to accept the fact that this could happen at any time.

My bliss was broken by the sudden commotion I heard outside. The girls quickly ran inside as a sudden and intense rain storm rolled in. "No. now we can't go outside!" Tiffany lamented. She almost seemed to be pouting. She didn't appreciate being stuck inside. I suddenly brought up a truth to Tiffany. A common bond between her and I. "You know Tiffany. I've been thinking. We have a lot more in common than you may think." Tiffany seemed confused and squinted. "Like what?" she asked. "Well, we both came here, and we are both outcasts. None of the other girls really care for us. You and I, we are the only two people who have each other here. Do you know how much that means to me?" I told her. I put my hands over my heart when I said this. She was clearly touched by my words but I clearly must have caught her off guard as she did not immediately answer me. "That much…it means that much?" she asked. I knew I had confirmed what she was thinking about. I would always be there for her. "Mommy" would always be there for her. I only wanted to focus on Tiffany at this point in my life. I hoped that the next family I wound up with would have a child as lovely as this. "Yes…it certainly does" I told her. I was almost making her swoon for me. She was nothing short of ecstatic over my growing interest in her. "Esther, you know something, I want to ask the Sisters if we can paint together again. Can I go ask?" she said excitedly. The fact that she asked me first made me confirm that I actually had some measure of power over her will. "That would be wonderful, you go do that and I'll wait right here." She trotted out of the room like she had just won the lottery. She was filled to the brim with innocent bliss. It was no more than a few moments later that there was a sudden commotion in the hallway. The sudden thud sounded like somebody falling onto the wooden floor. Next I heard Tiffany wail slightly. I stood to attention and immediately went to go see what was wrong. In the empty hallway I seen Allison's friend Ashley beginning to once again pounce on Tiffany, I quickly grabbed one of the hard cover books that Syrah had sent me and came to her aid. I took the book and slammed it into Ashley's head. The book made a sickening thud as it collided with her skull. Too stunned to even make a noise, the girl fell to the floor on her side. She squirmed in miserable pain as she began to moan. I lifted a tearful and frightened Tiffany to her feet. I got on both knees and forcefully wrapped my hand around Ashley's neck. My cold gaze met the fear in her eyes. She began to tremble uncontrollably. I put my nose nearly tip to tip with her own. I then slammed her head hard onto the floor as she sobbed. I squeezed her throat more tightly. "You didn't learn from Allison did you? You stupid little bitch!" I slammed her head again onto the floor. I whispered harshly at the terrified child. "Understand one thing and one thing only. You dare screw with Tiffany again or myself for that matter, I promise the Sisters will be burying you. I will make you worm food. Understand? You tell nobody what just happened! UNDERSTAND?"

Ashley's eyes were so wide in fright I thought they would burst from their sockets. She shook her head profusely. "Please…please don't hurt me Esther! I don't wanna…" She trailed off. Tiffany looked on. I slammed her head against the floor once again, "I dare you Ashley…go ahead…touch one of us one more time. Go ahead, watch what happens to you! You hurt Tiffany twice. And when you hurt Tiffany you hurt me. Try a third time. Three strikes and you're out! Fuck around just one more time! I promise I will eat you ALIVE!" I angrily released my grip. My hand had left cruel red marks upon her neck. She put her hand to her throat and coughed intensely as I got back on my feet. For good measure I gave her a hard kick to her stomach and she let our a whine. I knocked the breath right out of her. She curled into a miserable ball of pain. I knelt over one final time. "Remember whore. You tell anybody about this and you're through." I warned. "Go to the fucking washroom and go clean yourself up" I hissed. Tiffany looked on silently as she watched Ashley struggle to stand up. I took Tiffany gently by the hand and led her away from the scene. She had stopped crying but was still very shook up. I was nothing short of enraged. My body shook in anger. I put my hands on her shoulders and closed my eyes. I tilted my head back slightly and tried to calm myself down. "Are you okay, Tiffany? Are you hurt" I asked. I tried to examine her. "No, Esther, I'm fine, I just don't want any of them to hurt me again. Ashley really needs help" Tiffany pointed out. "Help? HA! I just gave her some help…busted her fucking ass. She'll think twice before disrespecting any of us like that again!" I empathized.

"I promise Tiffany, I will make sure these girls leave you and I alone. They won't get away with what they're doing." I think Tiffany was now beginning to worry about what I was really capable of doing. "Would…would you…really KILL Ashley?" she asked. She shook a little after asking this question as if fearful as to how I would react. I lied to Tiffany. "No…no, I'm just trying to scare her. I want her and the rest of them to leave you alone. They will never be your friends. That is all that was about. Just trust in me Tiffany, dear. Now you keep everything together and go ask the Sisters about painting." I believed that Tiffany was becoming scared of even daring to disobey me in the least. She took her leave and walked downstairs. Sure, I had come to her aid this time around but she now knew I was far different from the others. Tiffany now knew beyond a doubt that I had a violent side. I regretted that she ever had to learn about it. As much as I honestly wanted to kill those three girls, I knew that no matter what shit they pulled that I had to keep in control. Again, even if they tried to hurt Tiffany, I still could not let my rage just flow out of me like a water faucet. I'd wind up in another mental hospital. There would be no guarantee that I would be able to do so, though. One of these little bitches could very well drive me over the edge. Still in an intense anger, I walked back into the dorm room and stared out the window once more. The beautiful day had now been swallowed up by grey clouds and endless rain. I watched quietly as the droplets ran slowly down the window pane. They reminded me of all of the tears I have cried since coming to America. Still, after being here for nearly two months, I found that I was getting better despite the shit that was happening in my life. Tiffany had no clue that she was the one holding everything together. I got into my bunk bed and put my hands behind my head and stared blankly at the white ceiling. It was so relaxing to listen to the rain. So groggy…so tired…I nodded off…

"Esther…hey, Esther. Come on wake up!" I heard Tiffany say urgently. She began to shake me. I obviously had fallen asleep and was startled awake. Not too much time must have passed. It was still raining miserably outside. "What's the problem, Tiffany?" I yawned and tried to stretch. "Dinner time" she replied. "Sweetie, I don't really have an appetite today." She seemed disappointed. "But you'll worry the Sisters if you don't at least show up." I sighed and finally relented. Silently, we made our way into the meal hall I suddenly noticed that none of the girl's were eating. Once again I asked Tiffany. "Are you absolutely sure you're okay?" She nodded. I was glad she didn't wind up going to the hospital today. As I returned my gaze to the other girls I immediately noticed that none of them had taken any food. They were all at attention. It took me a moment before I noticed Sister Abigail. Next to her was Ashley. For a moment I almost froze in fear. Did Ashley squeal on me? Sister Abigail watched Tiffany and I as we found a place to sit. I knew already what this was all about. Sister Judith stood near Sister Abigail and was taking roll count. "Good…I see everyone is here." started Sister Abigail. There was a brief silence. The kind of awkward silence that you could literally hear a pin drop. "First of all, I want absolute silence and attention from everybody. Not a word. Not a sound. Is that understood?" The girls including Tiffany and I all answered in unison. "Yes, Sister Abigail". She took a moment to collect her thoughts. "I'm going to get straight to the point and nobody is eating until I am finished." she said sternly. All the girls were turned in her direction with their backs rigid in attention. It was as if they were almost pre-programmed robots or the like. Of course Tiffany and I did the same. I wanted to appear just as "confused" as any of the other girls. I scanned the room quickly and noticed Allison and Debbie looking on at their defeated friend. "Somebody…someone…hurt Ashley today. She was clearly choked by somebody but she refuses to tell us who." Nobody made a sound. "Now we have given her names of those who may have harmed her but she continues to remain silent about what had happened. I want to let every girl here at Saint Mariana's to know that we will find out who is responsible for this. We will NOT tolerate violence like this under our roof. I want whoever did this to Ashley to know that I will be catching up to them. That person cannot hide from us." Tiffany was getting nervous. I rubbed her tiny hand, letting her know that everything would be alright.

Sister Judith stood in the background with her hands folded. Sister Abigail was clearly upset. "I thought we taught all of you better than this! How dare such a person do this to one of our own?" The woman glared in silent anger. "What did she possibly do that was so wrong that she deserved to be CHOKED!" Ashley was too embarrassed to look at any of us. Her neck was still swollen in the front. She was fortunate I didn't crush her windpipe. "When we find out who has done this, and we WILL find out, I can assure that person that they will be expelled. We will arrange for that person to stay somewhere else. This is NOT a place where we will tolerate this kind of violence. No more! Not at Saint Mariana's!" The deafening silence continued

"I refuse to put the blame on any one person but I have never seen such violence done on a child in all of my years of running this home. This disgusts me that I even need to have this talk! I never thought the day would come where I would have to look at any of you girls with suspicion. What is this world coming to?" You can bet that Allison and Debbie knew damn well that I was responsible. Sure, they might try to set me up in an attempt to have me expelled but really, was there anyway to prove it without Ashley saying so? And I knew she was going to stay silent. "I want every girl in this room to look at Ashley. Look at what this has done to her. We will find the person responsible." There was one more moment of silence. "That is all I have to say about this. Rest assured that this will NOT happen again. Everybody is now excused for dinner. You may get your food." The two Sisters quietly led Ashley away. Maybe after what I had to her earlier, the Sisters might revoke her punishment. I didn't care either way. I hoped what I had done to Ashley would send a clear message to Allison and Debbie. I wasn't going to make any idle threats to them. I was very serious about everything I had said. "You think she will tell? Now she'll tell!" Tiffany whispered very softly. I shook my head. "She's too scared. She knows better. I'll make sure she doesn't tell. I wouldn't worry about it, honey. Stop worrying so much about me." Tiffany and I stood up. "I just don't want my only friend to be kicked out" she explained. "I promise, nothing like that is going to happen. We'll be alright. Do you promise to stop worrying?" I asked. "I promise" she nodded. "Very good, you go ahead of me." I let Tiffany pass and we quickly made our way to the line. We were greeted by trays of cold lasagna and spaghetti. We took our trays and made out way back to our table. You can bet that sure enough, both Allison and Debbie had their eyes squarely planted on me. It took no intelligence to figure out that I was the culprit. I WANTED them to know this fact. I had to constantly keep the threat of violence over their heads in order to keep them from speaking out. I needed to keep control of these girls if they wanted to avoid anything worse. I took joy in the fact that they were so terrorized by me. Furthermore, they know not to start even the most minor trouble with Tiffany. They knew the situation between her and I.

Tiffany of course was obviously far more worried about me being blamed than I was. She was simply too young to understand. "Tiffany, just look how scared those mean girls are? They will never hurt you again. Not as long as I am here. You have my word. You HAVE my word!" The look in her eyes told me that she trusted me completely. We ate our crappy meal. Debbie and Allison sat as far away as possible from us. They periodically gave us a glance but they were far too scared to ever make direct eye contact. They huddled together almost as if they were trying to protect one another. The days of their sneak attacks and smart ass remarks were over! I decided though that Ashley and the other girls simply had not suffered enough. It may have been a spur of the moment type of decision but I still wanted them to pay for everything they had put Tiffany and I through. I decided against better judgment that they had not paid a high enough price. I may have threatened them but I knew that wasn't enough. As Tiffany and I sat there I began to think of a way to get back at them, I thought hard to myself and came up with a most brilliant plan. It would have to wait until our after-dinner snack. I ate quickly so I could act right away. I finished in a few minutes. I felt devilish joy take over my soul. Some of the other girls were already finished as well and began to leave the food hall. "Tiffany, I'm going to excuse myself. I have something I need to do. Is it okay if I catch up to you later?" I asked sweetly. "No, I'll come with you" she pleaded. I didn't want Tiffany to be a part of my plan. "No Tiffany, take your time eating. We'll catch up later. No rush" She was hesitant but agreed to meet me later. I knew that what I was about to do would in fact work but I had to be very cunning and very quick. Tucked in the very back of the building was the nurse's office. I approached it carefully, making full sure that nobody was around. The door to her office was closed. I knocked gently to see if anybody was indeed inside. I waited for a moment. Silence. I gently leaned against the door and slowly turned the brass doorknob. Slowly but surely the door opened. The nurse must be on break and forgot to lock it. I was fortunate that it was indeed unlocked. I knew I had to be as quick as possible. I entered the office and the lights were still on. There was a large metal filing cabinet in the corner simply labeled, "Medicines and Medications". It was actually partially opened. I looked over my shoulder once more. My heart raced in anxiety. I made my way briskly to the cabinet and slowly opened it up. There were a number of bottles with the names of different girls on them. Some of the girls who lived here had to take certain health sustaining medications but it wasn't those that I cared about. I began to carefully pick up various kinds of bottles, reading every label. My heart continued to raise and my stomach turned with the prospect that the nurse could return at any moment. I finally picked up a large sixteen ounce jar and read the label, "Syrup of Ipecac". I knew exactly what this was used for.

I smiled with evil apprehension. There was a stack of paper cups on top of the cabinet. I quickly took two of them and placed both the bottle and the cup on the nurse's desk. I once again looked towards the door as I unscrewed the bottle cap. I quickly filled both of the paper cups with the clear, water-like liquid. Using quick thinking, I took the bottle over to the sink in the corner and filled it to the top. That way the nurse would be unaware that any of the Syrup was in fact missing. I quickly screwed the cap back on and shook the bottle vigorously, making sure it was well mixed with the water. Gently, I placed the bottle back with the cabinet. I made sure everything was exactly where I had found it. I gently closed the cabinet drawer to just as I had found it. With no time to spare I peeked out of the door and into the hallway. I was still safe. I quietly left the room and closed the door behind me, carrying the two paper cups of Ipecac. This was just the first phase of my plan. Now came the hardest part. I had to find where the after-dinner snack were being kept. After dinner was usually had a few cookies or the like and something to drink. Every girl had a large plastic glass with their own name on it. That way the Sisters could fill them and everybody would have enough to drink until bedtime and then they would be returned to the kitchen. I made my way back to the food hall. The vast majority of the girls had left. Debbie and Allison were long gone and Tiffany had left as well. I was careful that none of the liquid spilled from the cups as I entered the large room. The last six girls were a good distance from me as they continued to eat. From the food hall you could actually see into the kitchen when you were in the food line. Next to the food line was a grey door, the kind that swings, that led into the kitchen itself. Sister Anne was inside washing dishes. Her back was turned away from the room as she focused on her work. This was going to be one risky fucking move on my part. Sister Anne was no more than twenty feet away as I slowly, ever so slowly, opened the kitchen door, making sure it made no noise. I very gently closed it behind me. I knew that if Sister Anne turned around that she would immediately see me. This had to be quick. From where I was standing, none of the girls would be able to see me from with the cafeteria itself. And what was lying at the edge of the food counter? Over thirty large glasses, each with a name written on black magic marker on every one of them. They were filled with red fruit punch. They were about 20 ounces each or so. I could hear Sister Anne singing gently to herself as the water ran. My eyes glanced to the glasses. I was quick to find the ones I was looking for…Allison, Ashley, and Debbie sitting among the others. I smiled in delight. I very gently tasted the Syrup. This kind literally had no taste. This was all too perfect! I poured a copious amount of Syrup of Ipecac into the glasses of the three girls.

I picked up a nearby spoon and mixed the Syrup into the punch. I knew it would be suspicious though if only these three girls became sick. So randomly, I placed the rest of the liquid into the drinks of about ten other girls, of course making sure that Tiffany and myself did not get any of the Ipecac mixed into our own drinks. I stirred the other drinks as well. The clear, tasteless liquid stirred perfectly into the punch much to my delight. "Damn stuck on grease!" I heard Sister Anne moan impatiently. I ducked down slightly but she remained diligent with her work. I certainly took much more Ipecac than I needed but I split it up evenly between all of the girls. I quickly stirred each glass and kept them organized just as they were before I arrived. I was in and out in only a few minutes. I don't need to say how obvious it is that I am one hell of a risk taker. This was thin ice I was walking on! I wiped the spoon off with a nearby cloth and returned it to it's proper place as well. Everything looked just as it had. Without even peeking I exited the kitchen entrance. There were only two girls left, and they didn't bother to notice either. "It's all too good, Leena! Let's see how the little fuckers like their punch tonight!" I snickered. I made a hasty exit and threw away the paper cups. I slowed down and walked casually into the day room where the children congregated every evening. Some were chasing each other around while others say quietly, talking to one another. As was now the case, Allison and her friends were now allowed into the day room but could not play with any of the toys or engage in any of the activities that the Sisters put together for the children. In just a few moments, the Sisters would be handing out the glasses. I took a seat next to Tiffany who was trying to solve a Rubic cube. My heart was full of glee. The fun was about to begin…

**Author's Note - PLEASE READ THIS before reading the next Chapter.**

**It needs to be noted to all of my readers and fans that Leena's Escape will be divided into two parts. Now what does this mean? So far, Leena's Escape has been written from her perspective while she is at Saint Mariana's Home For Girls. Yet Leena's Escape will also cover her stay with the Colemans (the entire movie) and beyond. Because of this her future journal entries must be written much later than her stay at Saint Mariana's. To solve this problem, Leena goes a full year and a half without writing any entries (don't worry, I will still be posting new chapters every week or so as always). So please understand, Chapter 27 begins right from where Chapter 26 leaves off, only she is writing Chapter 27 a year and a half after she writes Chapter 26. **

**With this being said, and probably much to your delight, Leena does write about her stay with the Colemans and how it turned out for her, so yes, she does survive her stay with them (the only spoiler you're getting BTW!) and the series also follows her life after her stay with the Coleman family (obviously she has to survive to recount her experience with the Colemans). Every scene from the movie will be played out but there will also be alterations and additions/changes that you will absolutely love (I promise)! All of the characters from the movie will have their place and the movie's script will be used extensively but each scene will go into much further detail than what you see in "Orphan" as well as many new additions of my own creation. Some of the original script will be used as well, which is not seen in the movie (the original rough draft) on top of the script used in the movie. It will not disappoint and I promise everyone who reads my work that they will love where I am going with this! I will not go into anymore detail as I don't want to spoil anything but you can expect upwards of another 30 chapters or even 40 chapters before this series is finished. And all of this arose out of only three chapters that I originally planned on writing. Keep reading because it'll get even more interesting as time goes on. I already know what is going to happen…you'll just have to wait and see XD! If you have any questions or comments please PM me or email me from my profile page. Thank you to all of my fans! You have all been the best to me and I thank everyone for their continued support! I am enjoying writing this series as much as you enjoy reading it! Ten months into this project and it is still going strong!**

**Thank You!,**

**-F.A. D'Laurentis**

**In Chapter 27, Leena gets to see the full effects of her efforts to harm Allison and her friends come to fruition, much to her delight. Meanwhile, Tiffany becomes more scared of Esther as she learns of what she has done with the fruit punch. Esther also tries her best to shield Tiffany from a pair of prospective parents who come to visit out of jealousy. And what exactly happens anyways with Allison and her friends? Does Leena indeed get her ultimate revenge with the poisoned punch? Will it be better than she hopes for? Keep reading…Thank you again for your support everybody! **


	27. Payback And Opportunity

**In Chapter 26, Leena is forced to take drastic action against one of Allison's friends when Tiffany is assaulted for a second time. In response, Leena put Syrup of Ipecac into the fruit punch of Allison and her friends. To keep herself from suspicion and accusation, Leena also poisons the punch of a number of random girls to cover herself…**

It has been so very long since I made a journal entry. Some one and a half years have passed since then. So much has happened in that period of time. Where does the time go? Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into a full year and so on. I won't write about what has happened to me during that period of time. Not yet. I will write about those prior episodes of my life in due time. I gave up writing perhaps out of laziness. I am determined to write my story. I am determined to write down the entirety of my life between these pages. I've never fully understood myself why I started this journal to begin with. Maybe I somehow want to leave some record behind for the world to see. I want to write about the very person that I am. I do not sugarcoat anything within these pages. My heart and soul have gone into this writing. Me, Leena Klammer, is simply compelled to create this journal. Maybe then I can gain the ultimate insight into whole I really am. A person who I have tried to suppress for so very long. I cannot truly be sure. Despite the long lapse in time since I have last wrote I will leave off where I left off before. That is, my stay at St. Mariana's Home For Girls. It really does feel like yesterday since those days. I read my last journal entry. I was writing about how I poisoned Allison and her fuck faced friends of hers. The girls who tormented both myself and my poor and Tiffany, a girl who I desperately wanted to be a mother to. The mother she never had in her short life. Now Ii shall leave off from where I had…

As I had written before, after I had poisoned the fruit punch, I made my way silently into the day room. The children were at play as they always were after dinner. I quickly found Tiffany sitting by herself and trying to solve a Rubic cube. I was waiting for the fun to really begin! In any moment the Sisters would be handing out the fruit punch. Of course I took the necessary precautions to make sure that none of the Syrup of Ipecac was in our own glasses. "Do you know how to solve this thing, Esther?" little Tiffany asked. "I've never even tried to my dear." She tossed the cube onto the floor in frustration. "It's just a game" I told her. I had a wicked smile from ear to ear. Tiffany looked at me perplexed. "Esther, why are you smiling like that. It looks weird." I was a little taken aback. "Oh, I don't know, I just have the feeling that something very funny and entertaining is about to happen." The apprehension was building inside of me. "Like what?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, nothing in particular" I said casually. My explanations always seemed to satisfy the child. She was so innocent that she never dared to question me about anything. I was doing this for her. For us. I glanced over to the door and Allison and her friends made their way into the room. Allison looked over at me and glared angrily. Tiffany suddenly had a look of concern as I glared right back at her. Allison quickly turned her head away from me as her friends followed in tow. They took a seat together on the floor at the back of the room. I watched them as they whispered into each other's ears. They could say whatever the fuck they wanted. They were literally about to get a taste of their own medicine! I couldn't have been more excited as Sister Judith and Sister Anne entered the room carrying large trays loaded up with the glasses. The red liquid wobbled in the glasses as the two women set the drinks down on a table opposite of the couch that Tiffany and I were sitting on. I had to contain myself. I wanted to fall on my knees and laugh hysterically about what was about to happen. I could care less if the other girls were poisoned, so long as I got back at Allison and the others. The other children were simply going to take the fall for my actions. The children were quick to line up to receive their fruit punch. "Let's go" I told Tiffany and we proceeded to line up with the rest of the girls. The girls took their personal glasses and once again went back to playing and socializing. It would not take very long for the Ipecac to work it's magic!

Tiffany, ever present, followed me back to the couch but we were quick to see that Allison, Ashley, and Debbie had purposely taken our seats. I was straight to the point. "Get up and move" I demanded, Ashley was the only one who seemed to have genuine fear of me. She remained silent as her friends covered their mouths and giggled. I wasn't having any of this. "I said MOVE!" I commanded. Tiffany tugged on my arm and tried to lead me away. "No, don't Esther! Let's just sit on the floor" she begged. Debbie mocked my Estonian accent. "I said MOVE!" she teased back. Tiffany continued to tug hard and I knew she didn't want anymore trouble. I glared menacingly at Ashley in particular as Tiffany led me away. It really didn't matter though. They wouldn't be sitting on that couch for much longer. "I was just standing up for us" I explained to Tiffany. "I won't let people push you around." Tiffany was worried. "Yeah, but if they tell the Sisters you'll just get into trouble. Don't do anything else, Esther, Please!" she pleaded. We took a seat on the floor and sipped on our drinks. I watched as the children began gulping down their tasty beverages. I smiled as I watched Allison and her clique began drinking from their glasses. Now it would be a brief waiting game. I knew the girls wouldn't have to finish their whole glasses in order to get sick. Tiffany scooted closer to me completely unaware of what was about to happen. Those three terrorists were about to learn a painful and brutal lesson. I had a perpetual smile on my face. This was going to make my day! This would even be better than Syrah's package for sure! It took no more than a few minutes before one of the little girls fell to her knees in pain. Her face was contorted in pure agony as she clutched her stomach and began coughing violently. She suddenly began throwing up huge amounts of vomit. She began screaming in pain as Sister Judith came rushing in. Sure enough another girl, than two, than three experienced the same symptoms. The little girls had collapsed on the floor in agony. They vomited violently and curled into tight little balls as they screamed and moaned in agony. Sister Judith shouted desperately and then ran out of the room to summon help. "Abigail, call 911 now! The girls! THE GIRLS! GET AMBULANCES!" she shouted hysterically.

It was happening! The other girls panicked at the sight as more girls keeled over. Suddenly, the big moment came for Allison and her two bitch hounds. Allison stood up and began choking. I made sure to put extra Ipecac into their drinks. She began vomiting blood as her friends screamed. "OH MY GOD! ALLISON!" screamed Debbie. Ashley began to cry before she herself succumbed to the poison. Next it was Debbie who vomited blood all over Debbie's head! I had to cover my mouth and bite hard onto my lower lip to keep from cracking up. Tiffany began crying at the sight of so many of her pupils vomiting up their dinner and crying in horrible pain. Tiffany turned to me and grabbed my arm in fright. She had never witnessed this before. Thirteen girls in all had been poisoned and each one of them was feeling the full effects of my work. Allison and the other two were experiencing the worst of it. They obviously were overdosed and the blood that oozed from their mouth stained their gray uniforms with a deep crimson tide. Many of the girls were convulsing violently as if going into seizures. Syrup of Ipecac is used to induce vomiting but Allison and company were by far suffering the worse. They were on all fours as their breathing became more labored. One little girl in the group was shouting "SAVE ME GOD!" over and over again. Tiffany looked me in the eyes and seen that I was indeed laughing underneath my hand. She was mortified by this and leaned away from me in complete shock and horror. She now seemed to have put two and two together. She trembled as she looked at the misery of all of her fellow children and then looked back into my eyes. She could see the delight within them. She could tell that I was enjoying every single minute of this. The Sisters were screaming in terror as all of them did their very best to help the girls. The children who were affected by the poison huddled in a large group and were absolutely hysterical in their behavior. Not only just because of what they were witnessing but because perhaps they thought that they were next to experience this horror. They embraced each other as the spectacle continued to unfold before their eyes.

Tiffany remained stunned by my behavior. "No, Esther!" she exclaimed. "Why, WHY are you laughing?" she said as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "Did you?…I mean,,,what?" she was at a total loss or words as she went in sensory overload. This was all too much for any child to have to experience more or less for any adult. My chest heaved up and down as I closed my eyes and continued to laugh. It was an uncontrollable laughter. So much so that I didn't bother to answer Tiffany. Luckily, neither the children (besides Tiffany) or any of the Sisters noticed this. The Sisters screamed along with the children as they fell to their knees and desperately tried to get the affected children to their feet. I had poisoned over one third of the girls. I managed to stop laughing as Tiffany got to her feet and ran over to the unaffected girls who were huddled together in the corned. I knew it was time to take my cue and begin acting. I screamed loudly at the top of my lungs and pulled furiously at my hair. I was as overly dramatic as possible but inside this was the funniest fucking thing I had ever seen! One of the sick girls was sitting up against the wall with her legs drawn up, her head buried in her lap as she rocked back and forth. The floors were covered in vomit and Allison and her friends were crying as they laid in their own piles of blood and vomit. I too joined the group of girls in the corner. They were too terrified to do anything but scream. I'm sure I would cause a great deal of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder cases among these girls. I knew joyfully that I had impacted those who tried to hurt me. I did fell bad for exposing poor Tiffany to this. I took Tiffany by the arm ad forcefully led her by the hand out of the day room. Her eyes were a bright red. She shook like a leaf and she collapsed onto the floor and began slamming her fists onto the floor. "WHAT'S HAPPENING!" she screeched. The screaming and agonized pleas for help filled the hallway. Tiffany knelt on her knees as she looked up at me. Should I tell her? I knew Tiffany wouldn't tell on me if I told her the truth. She was as obedient as a dog to it's master. I gently lifted her chin and gave her the truth. "I did this for you my dear. For both of us!" I told her gently. She suddenly backed up and sat against the wall. Her mouth quivered. She shook her head in utter disbelief. "NO! NO! NO!" she said over and over to herself. "Esther? NO! Not Esther" she cried. She then let out a long and sorrowful moan. She had now came to the realization of what I was truly capable of. Her new friend was absolutely vicious. I approached her. "Don't hurt me!" she pleaded. I got on my knees and attempted to calm her down.

"It's okay Tiffany. Everything will be fine! They'll all survive. I poisoned those girls who hurt us. I had to hurt them, Tiff. There was just no other way anymore." I explained as bluntly as possible. Mommy would tell the truth to her child. She almost gagged in disgust. She turned her head to her side and whined. I gently placed my hand under her chin again and turned her head to face me. "Again honey, I did this all for us! I love you Tiffany! I want you to always know that." She tried to speak but she broke down crying once again. I hugged Tiffany and rubbed her back. We put our heads on each other's shoulders as she wept. "It's all for you dear." I whispered. "Then why the other girls?" she lamented miserably. "I wish I didn't have to hurt the other girls but I had to or else the Sister might get suspicious of me and take me away. Do you really want them to take me away? To take me away from you forever? I asked. She couldn't answer me. No words could come out of her little mouth to explain how she felt at this horrible moment in her life. "I really wish you didn't have to see this Tiffany. I really do." I told her lovingly. Tiffany was truly disturbed by me. An obvious reaction though. "THEY'RE GONNA DIE!" she screamed. "Look at me Tiffany! They will be okay, I can promise you that. They're all really sick but they'll be fine. Okay? I know they will be." I consoled her. I doubted that my words were really having much of an effect on her. There would certainly be trust issues between us. I became worried that I may have permanently destroyed or damaged our relationship beyond repair. I didn't really give much thought to this aspect before taking action. I suddenly realized that being honest with her was not the best policy after all. It didn't matter now. The truth was out for her. I had to know one thing. "You're not going to tell on me. Are you?" I asked without emotion. "No!" she whispered. "You're such a good girl. I'm so proud of you. Are you still my friend?" I asked. She nodded silently. "Very good!" I glanced over to the front door as Sister Abigail frantically opened it. A large group of paramedics had arrived carrying various boxes and medical devices.

The red flashing lights of the ambulances filled the hallway as Sister Abigail quickly followed them. "Now you see sweetie. Didn't I tell you that everything would be alright?" I hugged her tightly. "I know you're scared and that's okay." I gave her a little kiss on the forehead. "Like I said, everything will be just fine. Just watch and see." I promised. To be honest, I had no clue if any of the girls would die. The violent reactions, especially those of Allison and friends were enough to make me think that their deaths were imminent. I could care less who lived and who died. I just wanted to keep Tiffany all to myself. Nobody but me could have her. I loved her to death. I would stay protective of her and what I had just accomplished was proof of that. I hushed her quietly. "I'm so sorry that you need to see all of this" I said again. "So wrong! This is so wrong!" she sobbed. "Look at it this way, things will be different around here. No more teasing. No more fighting. Both of us are safe. That is what I did for us today. I kept us safe" I explained. Being only eight years old I did wonder if she was buying what I said. I knew this whole event would be very harmful to her young mind. I had to be the one to keep her held together. I didn't want her to become unglued like I had been for so long. I knew she would have nightmares about this possibly for the rest of her life. All I could do was keep hugging her as she cried and cried. One by one, the paramedics carried out the girls. Thirteen in all. Many of them were unconscious. This drug was a lot more powerful than I had thought! Allison and her two friends were carried out on stretchers. The flashing red lights bathed us the entire time. There were seven ambulances in all at the scene. This was definitely the most dramatic thing that St. Mariana's had ever seen. I had truly raised hell. The paramedics were in such a rush. The Sisters continued to cry hysterically. Neither they or any of the girls had any idea of why this had happened. "Now Tiffany, I'll ask you just one more time. Are you going to tell on me? If you do I'll go away forever." She once again nodded silently. I could tell that there was fear in her eyes. I didn't want her to be scared of mommy. I whispered into her ear. "Tiffany, I will never hurt you. Just listen to what I say. Things will be fine from now on. Trust my words." She remained silent and refused to go into the day room. I left her alone for a moment and turned on the tears. I could turn my emotions on and off as easily as somebody flicking a light switch. I whimpered pathetically as I made myself known. All of the Sisters were in the room trying ever so desperately to calm the girls. "Everything…everything is under control. Nobody panic." said Sister Abigail. The Sisters cried along with the girls in near hysteria.

The ambulances screeched their horns as they hastily made their departure. Now I was certain that those three would leave us the fuck alone. If they dared tell or attack Tiffany or myself again then murder would be a very real possibility even if it did threaten my own cover. I knew I would not be able to control myself the next time around. My mental illness is that severe at times. The Sisters huddled around the rest of the girls. Sister Judith was reading the Book of Psalms from the Bible in an attempt to bring some order to the situation. The Sisters began praying feverishly in the hopes of some sort of Divine intervention. I mocked their religious beliefs. They sickened me to my core. The couch that the three little terrors had been sitting on was covered in fresh blood while the floors were drenched in the vomit of those who fell victim to my unceasing wrath. Bits and pieces of our dinner were mixed in with the vile concoction. The smell became overwhelming and I was forced to cover my mouth and nose. I couldn't believe I had pulled this off. Allison, Tiffany, and Debbie probably didn't suspect that I was involved. After all, everybody had just eaten dinner. Perhaps food poisoning would be to blame. Maybe some undercooked food would be labeled as the culprit. That would be a far more logical conclusion than an intentional poisoning. These people were so stupid and so naïve. I was playing my cards well. The sense of pride and accomplishment just lifted my heart to new highs. A high that I haven't felt in so very, very long. I kept the tears flowing as the crying of the children became more subdued. They were so shocked and overwhelmed. They would need ample time to get over what had just happened. I didn't even know the names of some of the girls whom I had poisoned. It was truly a luck of draw as to who got sick and who did not. I wish I had the opportunity to poison one of the Sisters as they had just eaten dinner as well. I returned to Tiffany who was leaning up against the wall with her arms crossed. I could tell she was deep in thought. I knew it was me on her mind. I put my hand on her shoulder and rubbed gently. She must have felt so numb. Such a stark contrast to the high that I was feeling. Mommy's little girl needed comforting though. I took one of her arms and held her hand. I gripped tightly. She needed to know that I still cared about her. She suddenly asked me a very blatant question that required a blatant answer. She dried her tears with the sleeve of her uniform. "Esther, you said you wouldn't hurt me. How do I know that? What you did…" she trailed off. "'Because I did this for you so that you will be left alone. I don't want you to get hurt. I want you to be happy, that's all."

This wasn't satisfactory to her. "You didn't have to do this!" she exclaimed. "You'll understand one day. Listen, why don't we go upstairs and we can rest. I don't want you downstairs here. There's too much going on. Before we went up the staircase I noticed some of the girls exiting the room. They shivered as if they were in a blizzard. They were as pale as ghosts. This was most certainly something that they would never forget! It would be a stain on their collective conscious for the rest of their lives and I could frankly give two shits about it. Tiffany and I made our way upstairs. She was so stunned that she could barely keep her balance. She was obviously nervous to be around me now. I stayed behind her to make sure she didn't fall. At least I felt like I redeemed myself today. It more than made up for all the shit that the two of us had to put up with. Tiffany slowly made it into the hallway and into our room. Since Allison was banned from the dorm, Tiffany had taken up residence on the bed below me. Now I questioned whether she wanted to stay there. I felt like I was in a very precarious position. I DID NOT want to lose her! I knew as well that this was definitely not something I would be talking to Syrah about either. Tiffany didn't make even the slightest sound. I felt like she was scared to even disturb me. We were the only girls in the room. I was the only one in the building who was calm and collected. "Tiffany, don't be afraid of me, I told you that everything will be fine. I need you to have faith in that" I told her as she lied in her bunk. She sobbed into her pillow. "It's okay to cry. I'm so very sorry for hurting you like this. I really didn't mean it. I should have thought about that beforehand. This is all too much for you. Always remember though I took a big risk in doing this all for you. I'm here to protect you, not to hurt you." She stopped her sobbing. "It is too much. Stop hurting people, Esther! I hope you didn't kill any of them" I absorbed her message and reassured her once more. "They will all be okay. I just made them really sick, The hospital will make them all better. You need to rest Tiffany. Be a big girl for me and you will get past this." I laid down in my own bunk and closed my eyes.

I didn't bother to undress. I just laid there with my eyes closed. I was lost in the moment. Those girls had to be going through hell at the hospital. The misery I had caused was very extensive indeed. It took about half an hour but Tiffany had cried herself to sleep. I heard footsteps enter and it was our roommates shuffling inside. They carried tissues, doing their best to keep themselves together. The trauma was palatable. Many just threw themselves on the bed and sobbed. I found it annoying. I wanted them to shut the hell up so I could get some much needed sleep. All this mayhem was exhausting! Soon, I did drift off to sleep…

The next morning came and I was rudely awakened from my peaceful slumber. It was Sister Margaret. "Girls, GIRLS, I need everybody to wake up and gather in the day room within half an hour" she insisted. The rays of sunlight were blinding as I struggled to sit upright and prepare myself for another day. A day I felt would be full of uncertainty. "Oh great!" I thought. "Another severe talk down from Sister Abigail." I could only hope it wasn't a speech like I had heard about Ashley. Tiffany sat up at the edge of her bed as I climbed down from my perch. I was groggy and needed a warm shower to wake me up. I grabbed a fresh set of clothing and my make-up kit as well as a towel from the linen closet and made my way into the bathroom. I always made sure to securely lock the door behind me. I could hear the girls milling around on the other side of the door. They had other bathrooms that they could use. I quietly undressed and turned on the shower. As I stepped in I could hear some of the girls talking but I couldn't make out any words. I had to be careful not to get my face wet as I showered. If my make-up ran off then there would not be enough time to reapply all of it. I was out of the shower with ten minutes and redressed myself in fresh clothes. I was constantly forced to look at myself in the mirror. As was always a part of my daily routing I put on my fake façade. The veneer that hid the horror beneath it. The horror of a remorseless killer. Of a former mental patient. I became lost in the very lie that stared back at me in the mirror. I looked into my own eyes and pondered how many tears have fallen from them. I snapped out of it. I often became lost in my own thoughts. My own meanderings. I put my old clothes in the hamper and made my way out to find Tiffany. Another girl entered after me. I needed to make sure that Tiffany was okay enough. She remained seated at the edge of her bed. The girls had calmed down considerably but they were all very quiet. Nobody was in the mood to play or joke around. There wouldn't be much smiling or joy filled fantasy today. Today was ever so different. I took my brush from under her bed and fixed my hair. Tiffany looked at me in silence. I looked on at her. I had to be hasty or else Sister Abigail would likely throw some sort of fit. Tiffany looked down at the ground. It was as if she felt very ashamed of herself. She must have felt like she was the cause of what had happened. That me trying to protect her had caused all of this pain and torment. I could see it in her eyes. They always spoke volumes to me.

"Okay, Tiffany?" I asked as I put my brush back. She confirmed what I was thinking. "I feel guilty. If I wasn't here you wouldn't have done this" she said quietly. I looked at her tenderly. "You're not to blame, okay? I did this. I take responsibility. You take it easy because I don't want you thinking like that. Now how about you and I go downstairs?" A hesitant Tiffany trudged behind me as we made our way downstairs. I was certainly nervous. There was always that paranoid thought that somebody knew more than they should. I only told Tiffany because I knew she was absolutely trustworthy. I was shocked by what I suddenly seen! All of the girls who were poisoned last night had returned! "No fucking way!" I thought. Tiffany and some of the other girls who followed us shouted in delight and rushed over to welcome them back. Tiffany jumped up and down. The three bitches were back as well. Throwing up blood and they're BACK! I had to do a double take. I overheard one of the girls who had been poisoned that the doctors couldn't figure out why they became ill but that were given some sort of drug to flush the Ipecac from their systems. They simply stayed in the hospital overnight for observation. Apparently the drug that I had used was very easy to treat, "Coughing up blood and they're here?" I thought. I suddenly realized that I had to play my part. I began jumping up and down with

Tiffany. I smiled so sweetly. The girls who were poisoned seemed weak from their ordeal but nobody had perished. Still, I was content with what I had done. It was good enough for me. They could have certainly suffered more but this would have to do. I still relished in my victory. For the first time since last night St. Mariana's was filled with the sounds of laughter. I thought the day would be quite different than this. I was hoping those three brats would keel over for good.

Tiffany ran back to me. She beckoned for me to lean over. "You were right, Esther. Everybody is okay!" she whispered excitedly. "Didn't I tell you?" She took my hands and hers and she jumped up and down. I've never seen her so happy. The Sisters were also in the room. They likely spent most of the night cleaning up. The couch was now gone. Everything had been cleaned as if nothing had happened at all. They looked both physically and mentally exhausted. I had surely taken a huge toll on them. There was a huge sense of relief among everybody overall. My sweet smile gave them the impression that I was just as excited as all of the other girls. Lying constantly becomes draining at times. My hatred for those three girls was nothing short of enormous. Allison, Ashley, and Debbie were all being treated like royalty by the others. The last thing I wanted to happen was from those girls to be happy about anything and yet, miraculously, here they were. My victims were being embraced by the other girls. To keep myself in stride, I skipped over to one of the other girls that I had poisoned and hugged her tightly in plain sight of the Sisters. I didn't know the name of this girl. St. Mariana's was basically just a giant stage for me to act on. I put on such a show at times. Syrah often joked that I could be a movie star because I play the part of an innocent little girl so well. The girl that I was hugging seemed a little shocked but she returned the favor. "Oh, welcome home!" I shouted in joy, Sister Abigail watched me and gave me a smile of approval. "I did it again" I thought to myself. As usual nobody was the wiser. After awhile of excited and extended rejoicing the Sisters manage to calm down the girls to the point where we could pay attention.

Sister Abigail did the talking. Being in charge of St. Mariana's she was always the one to handle any situation that needed immediate attention. Obviously, this was no different. "Girls, let me have your attention." I think she was certainly struggling to come up with the words. "Last night…we don't know what exactly caused this. I know everyone is in shock. The doctors have informed us that it was possible food poisoning. As a result there will be no meals today until we can investigate what had in fact caused the sickness of these poor girls. We need to pray for all of them and be fortunate that something worse did not happen. We need to be grateful to God for their quick recovery. I know how traumatic this must be. We are equally horrified over this. We are in charge of taking care of all of you and we failed last night in that regard. I can't help but feel somehow responsible. Anyone who wants to talk about this should feel free to talk to anyone of us. We all need to stay strong for both ourselves and each other. We will have counselors coming in tomorrow to help anyone who is distraught and I know that is all of you. It's going to take awhile before St. Mariana's can get over this incident. I am too shaken up to even think about it. We want to let everyone know that something like this will never be allowed to occur again. I don't want anyone to be scared that this could happen a second time. We all want this to be a completely safe environment until each of you can fine a family. I am glad to see that the majority of all of you were not poisoned. Every one of you seem to be taking this very well considering how soon it has happened. Myself and the other Sisters can't help but feel guilty over everything that has happened. I can understand that some of you may even be angry. That's okay. You have that right but you must remember that pointing the finger won't help anyone. Not you, not your roommates, nobody. We just need to be grateful at this point and do our best to move on with our lives."

Sister Abigail suddenly glanced over to the girls who I had poisoned. "I am so fortunate that all of you are still with us. This has been a very troubling time for myself and all of my staff. We need to thank the paramedics and the doctors who worked so hard to make sure that you all made a full recovery. This could have turned out far, far worse. In fact, let me make a correction to what I said earlier, we do have a couple coming in today. They are counselors who will help anyone who needs it. Several more counselors will be here tomorrow morning." Abigail looked up towards the ceiling and extended her arms upward. "Praise be to God for rescuing these poor little angels." she said passionately. Tiffany had managed to come back to me. I hoped sincerely that it wasn't out of some underlying fear of me. I wanted her to come to me because she truly wanted to. She knew I would never try to hurt her. She would stay safe by my side. That is all I could hope for. I wasn't going to force her to do anything against her will. Sister Abigail almost looked like she was about to cry. The whole atmosphere was emotionally charged. Everybody could take a collective sigh of relief. It didn't matter if the children ate today or not. They were all probably much to terrified to even do so. Sister Abigail was correct about the poisoning part. I could only ponder her horror if she knew what was behind it. "Just be thankful, girls. Let us comfort those who have affected. Let us raise them up and lift their spirits" she went on to say. I surely wouldn't be taking part in that. I was so disgusted and disappointed that my enemies made it through the night alive. Everyone was suddenly startled by a loud knocking on the front door. Sister Abigail made her way out of the room. She returned a minute later with a man and a woman. The woman had light red hair and was rather tall. Taller than Veronica, Rebecca, or Jennifer were or had been. The man was about the same height, they were both about 5 foot ten inches. Especially tall for a woman as well. The man's head was shaved. He reminded me of a military man. The pair walked to the front of the room and they followed behind her. They seemed rather casual people.

Sister Abigail introduced them to us. "Everyone, this is Jake and Kayla Malvern. They will talk to anyone who wishes to do so today about what has happened. All of you are welcome to express your feelings and emotions to them. They are also prospective parents who may be willing to adopt some lucky child today." she said jokingly. She was serious though. At least she was able to muster a sense of humor after such a rough night. "They are trained counselors and I want everybody to respect them and make them feel at home. Jake, I will hand it to you now." Jake scanned the room. "Thank you, Sister Abigail. As she just said, my name is Jake Malvern and this is my wife Kayla. We are counselors who are here today to help anybody who is upset over what has happened the previous evening. Every girl I look at seems so wonderful and full of potential. It is very sad, so very sad that I had to meet any of you under the circumstances. Nobody can change what has happened but we will do our best, along with the Sisters here at the Home to help in any way we can. We now how tough it must be right now. The sorrow and pain you all must be feeling. I know there is nothing we can say that can take away the pain and shock completely. We know it is all too much for such young children to have to go through, to experience. We know that what has happened may stay with you forever. I don't say that to frighten any of you but the pain can go away with help. And that is what we are here to do, to help all of you. I will let my wife speak now." His wife has her hands folded. "Hello everyone. My name is Kayla but you may call me Kay. As my husband has said, we are here to help. Yes, we are potential parents as well, as Sister Abigail has just mentioned." I wondered if they were the couple I was searching for. I couldn't tell at this point. "Our main goal for today though is to provide as much comfort and support as possible. I am grateful that for the quick recovery of the victims. Still, your hearts must heart so badly having witnesses such a terrible event. I don't think any of us adults have the adequate words to describe how we really feel about all of this. Food poisoning is a very serious thing. All of you need not be scared though. What has happened has passed. Now it is time for the healing to begin and it will begin today. We can all be fortunate that things didn't turn out any worse"

The girls were at full attention at this point. There was no horseplay or any childish behavior in light of everything that had happened. I was suddenly surprised as I watched Tiffany slowly make her way to the husband and wife. I simply stood and watch. She stood right beside them. I couldn't hear her but I could read her lips. "If it's okay, I want to talk to you guys first." she said. She obviously didn't want anyone else to here. She had enough to worry about. I wasn't too thrilled about this. Nobody had come to visit St. Mariana's, not a single prospective parent. The fact that they were actually prospective parents as well didn't seem to matter to the other girls. Everybody was just so numb. I seemed to be the only girl who was interested in them. The sooner I could get out of here the better. I wondered, were they the family I had been searching for? I felt cautiously optimistic about them. I highly doubted they would even consider adopting any of us today. That was not their purpose for being here. The duo said something to the child. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. As I wrote before, I did care for Tiffany but I would still always put my own personal priorities over her own. Time was always ticking away for me. These were the first people in weeks. Who knew how long it would be until another couple came around? I felt jealous as Jake held Tiffany's hand and walk right past me. The other girls watched as they would have to await their turn. I looked out into the hallway as Sister Abigail led them into her office. The four of them went inside and closed the door. Surely they intended for this to be a very private conversation. Something they intended to stay within those four walls. The other Sisters were already talking to some of the girls, themselves acting as counselors of a sort. I decided to sneak out of the day room and see if I could eavesdrop.

I wanted to make sure Tiffany didn't blow my cover. I didn't want her to tell the truth. I wanted to kick myself in the ass for having told her. I knew I was too impulsive in doing so. After all, being impulsive at times is something I am known for. All Tiffany could do was explain her emotions. I knew she must have felt guilty for not telling the truth. She explained how she didn't sleep all night. How she was worried that the girls would die. She said she was so desperate for a family to finally take her away. She wanted so badly to leave and she made it known to the three. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I worried that the Malverns would find sympathy in this child. I couldn't allow Tiffany to just slip away. I told myself that this would not happen. That today was absolutely an inappropriate time. My biggest worry though was that she keep the awful truth to herself. I couldn't say for sure what would happen to the girl if she implicated me. I really didn't want to hurt her. I truly didn't. Without a moments notice, Tiffany opened the door and walked past me. I gently grabbed her arm. I shook my finger in her face. "Remember Tiffany, my dear, don't tell them anything about what you now know" I warned. "Esther, I didn't say a thing. I won't say anything. That's a promise." I made sure I was stern about this. "Is your session over already?" I asked. "No, I'm just going to get two glasses of water for the man and that lady." she explained. I stood there as she made her way down to the food hall. I was feeling jealous now. That couple now knew how desperate Tiffany was to leave this place. I never thought I would have to become jealous of the girl who I wanted to be a mother too. I couldn't shake that feeling though. I wanted Tiffany to become adopted but I had only a limited amount of time to make that happen for me.

About five minutes later, Tiffany came back with two large glasses of ice water. She wasn't happy or smiling as usual. I think the terrible truth was that now she was truly terrified of me. She must have felt that I would hurt her if she told anyone. Just as she passed me and made her way to the office door. I briskly came up to her and took both glasses out of her hand. "Esther?" she said surprised. I opened the heavy wooden door and entered to the surprise of Sister Abigail and the Malverns. I handed them the glasses. "Here you go, Mr. and Mrs. Malvern. Ice water just as you wanted." The couple seemed delighted by my sudden appearance. "Oh, thank you…um" said Jake. "My name is Esther and I'm nine years old. I am from Russia" I said as I bowed my knees. My fraudulent paperwork stated that I was indeed from Russia along with the name of an orphanage that I never lived at. Tiffany stood behind me. I took her spotlight on purpose. I always wanted to make a great first impression and this was my time to shine! "The two of you would make a really great mommy and daddy." I complimented with a smile. "Why thank you" said Kayla. I wanted to be impressed by me and not little Tiffany. I was more pretty. More intelligent. More pleasant than her. That is not an insult towards Tiffany, it was just the simple truth. Sister Abigail suddenly interrupted. "Esther, it is still Tiffany's turn to speak. Could you please the room and they can talk to you later." I smiled and tilted my head. "I'm so very sorry Sister Abigail. Such a disturbance will not happen again" I assured her. I turned around as my smile faded away. I certainly was far from happy at this point. I thought I could be happy and victorious about what happened last night. This had changed everything for me. I wasn't even thinking about last night anymore. It was just about keeping Tiffany or any other girl away from the Malverns. I had to be absolutely polite and proper around them. I wanted to stand out at St. Mariana's. I had over 30 girls to contend with. Such stress is never good for a person.

I continued to casually listen through the door. I pressed my ear gently against the wood and gently placed my hands on it. I heard the Malverns assuring little Tiffany that she had nothing to be afraid of. That everything from this point forward would be just fine. The jealousy grew. After a few moments of reassurance I heard footsteps suddenly stirring from within the room and I beat a hasty retreat back to the day room. I made sure to look as sad as possible. It would be all too easy for me to stand out from the proud. When I woke up this morning I felt I could prance around as proud as a peacock. Now I felt threatened. Tiffany returned to the day room but she seemed to be keeping a little distance from me. I went over to her and wrapped my arms around her chest. I wanted to draw her close to me. I rocked my arms back in forth and cradled her the entire time. "Don't the Malverns seem so wonderful Tiffany? They seem like such a perfect couple. A couple to adopt somebody. Like myself for instance. Tiffany looked into my eyes. I think she now knew the game. She knew that I took the water of purpose to impress the couple. "Can I play alone today?" she asked. "Why? Don't you want to spend time with your friend?" I asked. "I just want to day" she said. She broke my embrace and went over to the front of the room and to a large chest containing dolls and other toys. I felt rejected by her. She was making me angry. I don't like being rejected! I HAD to ignore those feeling at any cost. I couldn't blame her for being frightened of me. The fact I tried to kill those girls. I knew she wanted to end our friendship. I would be fine with that I suppose. She was just a "practice child" but I did grow to care for the little princess. No harm, no foul.

I sat down on a chair and just did nothing. A multitude of the girls passed in and out of Sister Abigail's office. It would serve as a little refuge for the little hurt and wounded souls that I had made suffer so much. Finally, Sister Abigail approached me. "Esther, do you want to speak with the Malverns?" she asked, Now was my chance! I nodded vigorously.

"Very well then. Step into my office." She ushered me in to where the smiling yet concern couple sat. There were three chairs and I sat on an end chair. Sister Abigail sat down and folded her hands upon the desk. It was immediately clear that she was still shaken up by everything that had happened. It was going to take them awhile to get over it. I knew I had a chance to really impress this couple and perhaps make them even feel sorry or to pity me. I hope I didn't turn them off by smiling at them earlier. I didn't want to make anybody suspicious or think I was somehow unaffected by what happened. "Esther, why don't you tell the Malverns about how you are feeling. About how this has affected you. Don't be afraid to say what you want. Everything you say will not leave this room." I tried to make myself appear a little shy at first. "Do you promise, Sister Abigail?" I asked sheepishly. "Absolutely. I know everything must be difficult right now." I looked over at the Malverns shyly. "Well, so much has happened lately. I mean Tiffany was beaten up and then this happens. When I first came here to St. Mariana's I thought everything was wonderful. I'm just confused. I don't know why this happened." I pouted. "Nobody knows right now what really happened" started Jake. "It's not your fault. Nobody is at fault here. Please understand, Esther. Sometimes in life bad things happen. Sometimes very bad things happen. We can't always control these things." I nodded in understanding. "Tell me something I don't know" I thought. Kayla suddenly picked up where her husband had left off. "All of us know that this was a very bad and terrible thing to happen especially for a little girl such as yourself. It is going to take a lot of time to get over this. I know that sounds bad but what is important is that we don't let the bad things that happen to us keep us down forever. Do you understand what I am saying?" I once again nodded while looking down at my feet. I suddenly looked up and met the eyes of Jake. Like Paul he was a stud! A man I was sure would truly treat me like a woman. "It's all too much for me." I figured I would give them my sob story.

"I mean my whole life has been such a mess. My parents died when I was very young. I have an older sister but she is too poor to take care of me (yeah right, she's a millionaire! I thought). So I was sent to an orphanage and it was terrible. I was adopted by a family and brought here, to America. It wasn't too long ago and the house burned down and everybody died." I began to cry. Like I said, I can turn it on and off at will. I trained myself to do so. "I've just lost so much. My mommy and daddy are gone now. I have nobody anymore. I wish I could find a new mommy and daddy. Somebody to take care of me." I said childishly. It was important that I didn't talk in the manner or language of an adult. I had to keep my dialogue relatively simple, like that of a child. "I mean I haven't really made friends here except for Tiffany. Some of the girls made fun of me and threw stuff at me. I cry sometimes at night before I fall asleep. I feel so sad. Just so sad." I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip. I let my shoulders heave up and down as I balled my eyes out. These tears were fake and nothing more. I wanted them to feel intense pity for the hard life I had led up until now. Kayla suddenly stood up and gave me a hug. I could feel Jake holding my right hand. "That's it Leena, just play the part" I thought. I almost wanted to grin but I kept everything inside. "It's going to be alright, Esther. Everything is going to be fine. I'm sure that you'll have a bright future ahead of you." she said soothingly. "It's just so hard!" I wept. Sister Abigail was speechless. Perhaps none of the other girls had broken down in the way that I was right now. All Kayla could do was comfort me the best she could. I thought she was dumb whore. I hoped that these two would be the one. I had to put up a front. I did have a lot of competition in that day room. I wiped my eyes. "I just hope a family comes along soon. I don't know how much more I can take" I pleaded hopefully. "A pack of fools!" I thought.

The couple was silent on the issue. At no point did they ever entertain the notion of adopting me or any of the other girls. I had successfully pushed Tiffany out of the way. I wanted to be the one to make that great first impression and not her. Still, I didn't care for her any less. I made cried for a few more moments, giving the impression of a desperate and lonely child crying out for help. I must have moved all three of them at some deep emotional level. Esther, Leena Klammer, needs a home. Kayla stroked my hair. "I'm sure the Sisters will try their very hardest to find you a new family." Jake reassured me. I was turned off by this statement. He was speaking as if he were not interested in me/ That the Sisters would try hard to fine some other family. I wanted to sink in my chair. All I did was nod as if I believed what he was saying. "Esther, is there anything you really want to talk about?" Jake asked. "Not really, I'm not just crying about last night. I'm just so worried that I'll never get a mommy and daddy." The three of them could only nod in unison. In total agreement. "I really don't want to talk anymore." I said in a reserved tone. "Are you sure about that? You can take your time with us." said Kayla. "No, really, I'm fine. I'm going back to the day room." I sat up. "I want to thank you for talking to us, Esther. I know our conversation was short but we truly, truly hope that family comes along soon." said Kayla. "Thank you!" I replied. The two of them gave me a quick hug and I saw myself out. I now knew it was unlikely that they would be the ones to give me a new home. I would have to wait yet longer. Now I could care less if any of the other children found a home with them. At least I tried my best. I could always give myself credit for that. Nothing was impossible but playing the waiting game was getting boring and I was becoming more and more desperate as the days quickly passed by. Tiffany was ignoring me now and I was left pretty much alone. I had taken care of my enemies here and gave it my best shot. I took a chair and turned it so I was facing the window. None of the children took their recess today. The trees were in full bloom. It was such a beautiful sight and an absolute contrast to the misery that was going on inside St. Mariana's. The girls remained quiet and solemn as did I. I kept thinking back to that bird's nest and what it meant for me. I rested my chin in my hand and thought silently to myself. "Someday Leena, someday soon…"

**In Chapter 28, several months have passed since the poisoning of the girls. A very lonely Esther is bothered that Tiffany continues to ignore her so she gets in touch with Syrah for advise. Afterwards, she once again causes extreme trouble for Sister Abigail out of pure frustration about her situation…Thank you to my fans and readers XD! Keep reading because I'm far from done…**


	28. A Reconciliation?

**In Chapter 27, Leena is successful at making her victims so violently ill that they have to be taken to a hospital. The next day, a couple visits to help council to the traumatized girls. Leena learns that they are also prospective parents and does her best to impress them…**

Spring had finally gave way to the warm days of Summer. I had long since failed to impress the counselors who had offered comfort to the girls after I violently punished them for what they had done to Tiffany. I need not mention now that many a random girl paid the price as well. The triumph and satisfaction I had felt so strongly during that experience had long since vanished. The feeling was once again replaced with a profound and acute sense of loneliness. Allison and her friends no longer bothered me. They knew what I had done but did not dare to even think of speaking out against me. I didn't need any aggravation from anyone. I was sitting behind St. Mariana's. The day was particularly hot. Summers were just as bad in Estonia. I just watched the children which was pretty much most of my regular routine. In the months since the "poisoned punch incident" there had been no visitors from any prospective couples. The other girls didn't seem frustrated by this fact in any way. They even seemed to enjoy it here. They were surrounded by all of their friends who pretty much were simply one large family. They had long since recovered both mentally and physically from my act of anger. I, on the other hand, was the outcast. The black sheep of St. Mariana's. Always ignored and overlooked. I continued to have very little contact with the children. They didn't seem to care for me anyways. I hoped one day I had a child of my own who would always pay attention to me. One who would love and obey me.

Worst of all, Tiffany was now ignoring me completely. She was now sleeping in another dorm room completely. She simply did not want anything more to do with me. After all I had done to protect her and provide love for. I guess I couldn't blame her though. I should have never exposed her to such violence in the first place. I should have never let Tiffany know about how I poisoned the girls. I wondered why I had been so stupid in the first place. I couldn't help but feel the bitter sting of absolute rejection. I knew deep down inside that Tiffany was now as frightened of me as Allison and her friends. All of the other girls though were completely oblivious as to what I had done since I first arrived. Tiffany had now grown close to some of her own friends who were providing the comfort and support that I so desperately wanted to give her. I looked in her direction as I sat against the wall. Every time she looked in my direction she would quickly look away. I told her time and again that she had nothing to be afraid of. I guess I forgot that she had the mind of a young child. I apparently scared the shit out of her. We had not spoken in months. She simply quickly broke off the relationship that we had shared. The least she could do was be grateful for being the only damn person to defend her. I did not feel any anger against her. I would hold nothing against her from this point forward. When you want to be a mother so badly though it is hard to fight the urge to want to have a child of your own. Tiffany was the only girl that I had recognized as being one of my own. Of the same flesh and blood. Now here I sat. Lonely and miserable with the ever nagging thought that my time was continuing to run out. Every day when I watched the Sun set it only reminded me of this. There were some days were I wept by myself over this.

I watched Tiffany tossing a ball around with some of her friends. I wanted to explain to her that I still cared about her. She no longer had the sparkle in her eye for me. She just knew to keep her distance. Where was that smile that greeted me every morning? What happened to the girl who used to paint and play with me? "Just another mistake you made, Leena! Are you going to be that way around a child of your own one day?" I muttered softly to myself. Sister Judith passed while I slammed both of my fists into the ground in frustration. Every day I felt this frustration. Time was not healing my wounds well enough. The humble nun stopped in her tracks and turned towards me. "Is everything okay Esther?" she asked. I looked up at her and turned away without giving her an answer. "I've been meaning to talk to you. Sister Abigail and the others including myself are rather worried about you." I slowly turned my head to face her. My legs were pulled up to my chest. There were many things wrong with me. I still did not answer her. "Esther, why don't you come with me?" she asked gently. She could sense my feelings of despair. I slowly lifted myself up and she gently put her hand on my back, leading me away from the others. I turned my head and watched Tiffany. I watched her every day. Sister Judith led me inside from the oppressive heat. I was hit by the refreshing cold blast from the air conditioner. She led me down the hall and into her own office. She got behind her desk. There was a large picture of Jesus on the wall behind her between the windows. The man who claimed he could bring comfort, peace and salvation to all was of no comfort to my wounded and bleeding soul.

I sat opposite of her. I knew what she wanted to talk to me about. She sat with her hands folded together on the desk. I stared blankly down at my skirt. I really could care less at whatever they had to say to me. Tiffany was supposed to be my sunshine and I wanted the same for her. I could never shake myself from the rejection I felt every waking moment. "Esther, we are worried about you. We have noticed for awhile now that you are not playing with the other girls. You seem to us to be bothered by something. We want to know what is wrong so that we can maybe help you in some way." I looked up at her. "There's nothing to talk about" I said sternly. "Esther now, we know that can't be true. You always seem to be alone and upset. Did any of the girls do something to you?" she asked, trying to probe me for answers. I just decided to lie my way out of this situation. I never felt much like talking to any of them about anything. Lying was something I have done a million times before anyways. A skill I have mastered down to a science. "Sister Judith, it's…I've just feel like I've been here forever. I really want to leave already. I wish my sister could take care of me. I've been thinking about her forever now. It makes me feel sad. It makes me cry sometimes." I said quietly. True, I deeply missed my sister. St. Mariana's was becoming bleaker by the day. I could only hope for brighter days ahead. That proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. "Well, Esther, do you think that talking to your sister would help you?" she asked. "I do talk to her sometimes. Sister Abigail lets me use the phone. She sent that package to me awhile ago." I explained. She waited for a moment before speaking again. "You need to believe that things are going to get better for you. We do out best to make sure that you will soon find a home." I felt like rolling my eyes. She asked me again. "Does talking to your sister make you feel better?" I didn't like being asked questions all of the time. "Yes" I replied. "Do you think talking to her right now would help you? At least for the rest of the day?" Now I had something to be happy about. After all, I wanted to talk to Syrah about something right away. I nodded with a smile. She must have seen the glimmer in my eyes. I haven't talked to her in about a month. I always thought that if I talked to her too frequently that she wouldn't be as excited to here from me.

"Yes, yes, I want to call her today!" I said joyously. Sister Judith let out a little laugh. She turned the phone sitting beside her and pushed it towards me. "Talk your heart out!" she laughed. "I will leave you alone if you like, Esther. Just to give you some privacy" I thanked her for the opportunity to talk to Syrah and she left, closing the door gently behind her. I always spoke in Estonian to Syrah. I couldn't risk being overheard by anyone. There was simply far too much at stake to be caught now. I was surprised that the Sisters didn't seem to care that these calls were international. I dialed her number and let it ring. I always got excited when I called her. She always seemed to take forever to answer my calls. "Hello?" I felt at home when I talked to her. "Hi, Syrah, it's Leena again". Syrah was surprised as usual. "Well hello again stranger. It's been awhile since I've heard from you. You don't call nearly enough from where you are!" she was just as thrilled as I was in talking to each other. I was constantly puzzled in the way she spoke to me. It was as if she was unaffected by my brutal behavior. I guess she buried everything within the recesses of her mind. "I'm not disturbing you am I? I mean I know you have clients" I asked. "No, no, everything is okay, don't worry about it. I'm not doing anything today. Tell me how things are going with you?" I wouldn't dare tell her about what I was truly doing here. She could never be allowed to know. I had put enough on her plate and I knew damn well to keep my mouth shut from now on. "It's pretty much the same here everyday, Syrah. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't lonely. This is as good as a prison to me right now. If only you had to spend a day in my life" I didn't mean to start the conversation off on a bad foot. "Yes, honey, I can imagine. You have to admit though that it must be far better than the hospital. Are you at least getting along with everyone? How is Tiffany?" she asked. I now wanted to talk about Tiffany. I had told Syrah so much about her. "Well, Syrah, I'm calling you because of a problem with her. It's nothing I'm angry about." Syrah always sounded concerned when I mentioned that I had a "problem" as if I were about to lash out against the world. "Well, you told me the two of you were getting along great. You told me she is like your shadow. Kind of like the way you are when your around me." she laughed.

I laughed in return even though I really had nothing much to laugh about. Maybe by laughing she was trying to convince herself that I was in control of myself as strange as that may sound. "Syrah, she stopped talking to me. She's ignoring me now." I lamented. "Why would she do that? It's not like you did anything wrong to her?" There was a deafly silence. "Did you?" she finished. Syrah would blow if I told her the reason why. "No, I mean I never even told her anything about what I did or who I was before coming here. It's just…she won't talk to me anymore." I talked in a hushed voice despite out conversation being in Estonian. Syrah wanted an answer. "Okay, but WHY? There has to be a reason for these kind of things." she asked. "This might sound crazy, but I think she somehow can sense the kind of person I really am." I explained. I did feel this way about Tiffany. "Leena, come on now, why would she think that about you? She only knows you as "Esther". You told me awhile back that the two of you grew close. Unless your hiding something from me?" Of course I knew damn well WHY Tiffany wasn't speaking to me. What I wanted to know was how I could get her back to "mommy". "Syrah, I'm telling you the honest truth, I AM, now let me say this much when it comes to her. I feel like a mommy to her. I just love being around her." Syrah was taken aback. "Mommy?" She asked confused. "Oh no Leena, I don't want to here that from your lips! Don't start with this now! I know how you want a child but you shouldn't act that way around her. Use your common sense now" she said. "It's not like I told Tiffany that I wanted to be her mother. Everyone thinks I'm nine and that's how I intend for it to stay. It's just that I seemed to experience what it would be like to have a child of my own. It was overwhelming. Those were moments of bliss, Syrah. It gave me some peace. Something to look forward to every morning." I told her sadly. "Well, then that seems the only reason why your upset. She is ignoring you and you can't find happiness because of this. You need to learn to transcend that kind of attitude." I nodded even though I was on the phone. "I just want your advice Syrah. How can I get her to draw close to me again. She really is the only girl I've connected with since coming here." I rambled on. "Your asking me? I don't know this girl. But Leena, if you want my advice, how long has she been this way with you?" I was honest. "A few months now." I said almost ashamed by the fact. "Well, why have you waited so long to tell me about this? Why is she even being that way to you in the first place? I doubt she can sense anything wrong about you." I wish that were the case but I had to lie to Syrah in order to get the advice. Then again, knowing what Tiffany knew, it seemed doubtful that Syrah's advice would even apply to my situation. "I somehow just thinks she does sense something wrong. She is playing with other girls now." Syrah took a moment to think. "Maybe Tiffany has just moved on. It happens sometimes with kids but you need to learn to get over it without acting violently or losing your tempter, I mean just be honest, are you okay enough? I don't want you going after that little girl!" she said urgently.

"Syrah, if I were going to do that it would've happen awhile ago. Everything's fine. I'm more sad than angry with her. How do I get her back as a friend?" I was yearning to be that mother figure again. "A friend? According to you it certainly sounds like you want to be her mommy" Syrah accused me. She went on. "The fact that you're trying to be some kind of mother to her doesn't sit well with me but just approach her and tell her how you're feeling. It's as simple as that but remember that under no circumstances can you tell her that you want to be her mommy. Still, I don't know why you wouldn't have tried to talk to her already? Just remember again that you are NOT this child's mother. Do you understand that?" Well, I knew this was true. Syrah didn't have to tell me that. I picked up the conversation. "I admit Syrah, I told her in Estonian to "come sit next to mommy" I replied. "Leena, come on now!" Syrah said, sounding disappointed. "Well, if it makes me happy then what is wrong with what I am doing?" I asked. "Because you make me feel like your going to do something that you may regret. Don't you give ANYONE the impression that you're an adult. I mean how do you act around the others?" she inquired. "Like a child. I just isolate myself from the children for the most part. I'm the last person who wants to be found out." Syrah sighed deeply. "I'm telling you Leena, remain in control of yourself, please, for the sake of both of us." I suddenly brightened up the conversation. I didn't want to put Syrah on some sort of guilt trip or make her angry in any way. "Maybe you should send me more of those homemade cookies that you made. She couldn't get enough of those. That'll bring her around." I laughed. Syrah's mood suddenly brightened, much to my surprise and relief. She laughed hysterically. "Yes, those work with children! You should just make a trail of them to your bed!" she joked. "Seriously, I'll try talking to her" I assured her. I truly felt no violence urges or anger towards Tiffany. I had no reason to and I think Syrah could tell that this was true. "Mommy" wanted her sweet little daughter back! "Just remember everything that I tell you. I'm glad you have been able to keep yourself in control all these months. Believe me, that makes me very proud of you. It is still taking me time to even believe what happened to the Sullivans. I can't sleep manu nights when thinking about that!" I really didn't want to get roped into a conversation about them. It was too touchy a subject but my sister had every right to worry considering what did in fact happen. "Things are different now. I kind of see things differently being around these children. I mean I can't help but feel like being a mother" I said with the full knowledge that was what I intended between Tiffany and I. "That gives me mixed feelings, Leena. I feel that if you had a child someday that it will help you heal from everything you have been through. That we BOTH have been through. That your old self will die. On the other hand if you ever have a child I can't help but worry that you might pass your behaviors onto that child or that you won't change at all. I did tell you before though that I think it will calm you down for the better" I gave her my straightforward answer. "It's one of my goals in life. If I could just make it a reality. Yes, I think I could put my past behind me. I'm trying to do just that." I wanted her to believe this so badly. She had her rightful suspicions either way around.

"Syrah, I'm amazed that your still willing to even talk to me. You even refuse to turn me in. I just want to let you know how grateful I am. I feel like I owe you debt that I can never repay to you. Why are you not even mentioning what I have done anymore? I can't help but find it odd yet wonderful that your being the way that you are with me. I doubt and other human being would do what you have done for me. You put yourself on the line for me." I really wanted to ask her about this again. "Believe me again Leena, I feel like I owe it to the people you have harmed and, well, to say it frankly - murdered. All of those people would want to see you punished for what has happened. I'll be honest though, there are times when I feel so guilty for not stopping you that I cry for hours on end. I'll go to my grave knowing that had I made you stay with me that no harm would have happened to the Sullivans. I believe you when you say that you did it to save yourself. That it was something that you did out of pure desperation. That does not excuse it but you need to know that I love you even if you took the lives of a million people. I want to talk to you because you're my sister. I feel like if I bring up the murders that it will get both of us worked up. I want to be that person who you could turn to. I always worry about not only you but how you act and behave. I don't mean to berate you. I could lose everything by even just having kept you in my house." I was touched by her confession to me. "I didn't turn you in even when I found out with what happened to the Sullivans. It would sound so selfish to those whose lives you have chosen to take not to mention very reckless on my part but my love just kept me from acting. I REALLY wanted to turn you in. I know you asked me these kind of questions before. It's hard for me to explain to you. I don't even know completely why I didn't call the police. I feel such sorrow for the Sullivans. I cry over the guilt I feel for not picking up the phone and telling them where they could find you. Something inside of me doesn't want you in prison or back in some mental hospital for the rest of your life. I told you that long ago. Even though you make others suffer I don't want to see you suffer. That is so selfish of me. The love that I feel for you though is the only thing that holds me back. You broke your promise to me after all. I just want you to have a normal life for change. I just remain terrified that my actions, or my lack thereof, are going to cause harm and destruction to others. For me, Leena. Stay strong and control yourself. I'm always here for you." Syrah continued. She really poured her heart and mind out to me.

"I hope time will close all of your wounds, Leena. Anything it takes to win over your demons. I still have some faith in you, as impossible as that may sound. Just take everything one day at a time. That is how I get through life." I didn't want Syrah to ramble on about my behavior. Although my sister is very sweet and nurturing she always had a sense of seriousness about her. She was a very matter of fact person. I really can't blame her. "Thank you Syrah. I know to call you when there's a problem. I'm doing my damn best to stay on that straight and narrow. I'm sick and I realize it. I hope that by talking to you can give me that support to keep doing so" I honestly wanted to believe the words that were coming out of my mouth but I knew they were not true. I wish it were otherwise. I decided to switch gears. "So how are things going in Estonia?" I asked. I wanted to steer the conversation away from what "I did". The past should stay in the past, no matter how horrible my past may be. I always believed in that. "It's the same really. Not much to talk about. Business is slow. I still miss you everyday. I broke up with my boyfriend but I told you that the last time we talked. A real asshole he was. He stole money from me. I kicked his sorry ass to the curb. And to even think that I let him live into my life. I was foolish. Now I have nobody. That's why I look forward to when we talk." She made my heart glow. "We're best friends Syrah. You'll find someone else sooner or later. We both need a man." Sister Judith suddenly entered the room. "Esther, Sister Abigail is going to need the phone very shortly. May you please end your phone call." she said kindly. "Listen, Syrah, I hate to break off our conversation but I have to go because these asshole nuns need the phone. We'll talk later. I love you." I could knew that Syrah still wanted to talk. "I love you too. Stay in touch and look at the bright side of life, for a change and please take care of yourself" After saying our goodbyes I put down the phone. It kind of pissed me off that every time I talked to my sister she had to constantly tell me about how I should stay in control. It was like I could never have a conversation with her that wasn't serious. Again, I couldn't blame her for being that way. I just craved a normal conversation with her. With ANYONE. Syrah's advice just didn't sit with me.

Did Syrah even think that I didn't want to talk to Tiffany all of this time? Every time I tried to even approach the child she was always sure to distance herself from me. I realized it was time to eat as the children came pouring into the hallway. Sister Abigail was talking to Sister Judith and were facing away from me in the doorway. I noticed a pack of matches sitting on the desk. Sister Abigail was a voracious smoker. On a spur of the moment decision I took the matches. "I could always use there" I thought. I knew I had to talk to Tiffany. She had kept her distance from me for far too long. The feelings I had for her will still going strong. After all, a mother can never deny her child of the love that they deserve. I mingled into the disordered mass of hungry children. I was keeping my out for Tiffany. I was determined not to let her ignore me today. She will not pretend that I do not exist. No, not today! Not EVER! She ran away from me for countless times. She would not deny me. I would no longer allow it. I kept the matches clenched in my hand as we made our weight to the cafeteria. Everybody made an orderly line as usual. I suddenly noticed Tiffany about ten or eleven girls ahead of me. She always made sure to sit at a table that was packed so that I could not sit anywhere near her. She had a lot of never considering all that I had done for her.

I didn't care much about the food as I took the pathetic looking chicken and mashed potatoes. I lamented how horrible the food always seemed to taste. Tiffany had already exited the line and I knew I had to be quick. I searched for Tiffany. She was now with her own group of friends who all sat at the same round table everyday. Usually she waited until everyone was seated at her table before her friends arrived and this was always the case. Today was different though. For whatever reason, whether it was because of sickness or just being late, her friends had not yet arrived. Tiffany just stood there holding her tray. I smiled at my opportunity. I turned around and a few of her friends were standing at the back of the line. I wondered if they knew that Tiffany was ignoring me. I knew that the girl had to have stayed silence about the dark secrets that I entrusted to her. Otherwise my ass would have been on the fryer for certain. Tiffany was staring blankly ahead. She looked nervous. Obviously it had to be because of me. In all these months that Tiffany had been ignoring me I now felt like I had the upper hand with her. She didn't notice me as I made my way silently behind her. I tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped slightly and turned her head where she was greeted by an almost mischievous smile from myself. She leaned away from me in obvious fear. "Why hello Tiffany." I pointed to the table. "Shall we take a seat?" I asked. It was time for a serious talk with my "daughter". Her lip quivered as if she wanted to say something to me but was simply to afraid to do so. I gently grabbed her wrist and asked her again to take a seat. I didn't want to frighten her although I was clearly succeeding at doing just that. She put her tray on the table and quickly tried to make haste away from me. She was that terrified of me. I put my tray next to hers in a hurry and I followed right after her. She was not getting away this time. I made a mad dash after her. She made her way to Sister Abigail's office. She tried to open the door franticly and knocked several times as she looked on in fear as I made my way over to her. The door was locked the room was obviously empty. The Sisters always locked the front door when all of the children were inside. The Sisters were busy with the children. She tried to escape into the playroom.

Now I was getting pissed. I followed her as she threw herself on the couch face down and put a pillow over her head. It was as if she were trying to play dead with me. I got on my knees and tapped her gently again. "Tiffany, it's been awhile now hasn't it? Your scared of me. I know this. It's all too obvious .We haven't had any time with each other in months. I think it's time we talked, no?" Tiffany began shaking. "You have nothing to be scared of. I won't hurt you. Why don't you take that pillow off your head?" She didn't respond. She struggled as I tried to remove the pillow. I angrily pulled the pillow away from her head and tossed it across the room. She knew how easy it was to piss me off. I had a hell of a short fuse. I pulled her up forcefully so that she was sitting upright. I pointed my finger in her face. "Don't start now, Tiffany. All I want to do is talk. Now your making me MAD!" I protested. Tiffany kept her eyes closed but the tears began to flow from her eyes. "You stop your crying right now or else!" Now I couldn't control my own words anymore. She finally worked up the courage to speak. I sat next to her and held her arm forcefully. I knew I had her cornered. "Your hurting me Esther. Let go! What…what do you want?" she asked fearfully. "I want to talk to you. I just want you to talk to me. Don't take me for a fool, Tiffany. You and I, we both know damn well why your scared. The fruit punch, beating up the very girls who were harming and tormenting you. I was protecting you, Tiffany. I did ALL OF IT FOR YOU!" I hissed. "And this is how you repay me for all that I've done. Your being ungrateful to me and I want this to stop NOW!" I warned. I was becoming more angry as she struggled to get away. "We're going to be friends, do you understand me? We can make it work for sure this time" The little girl couldn't even look at my face as she continued to struggle. I used both hands and forced her head onto my shoulder. I cradled her head in my arms and gently stroked her hair. I became more placid and docile. "It's okay, my dear. I'm still in your corner. I'm just mad because your staying away from me. Let's make a clean slate shall we?" I pleaded. "Why are you being mean to me?" Tiffany asked. "Your making me scared!" she pleaded tearfully. "Don't be. Please, you know I won't hurt you. What would've happened to you had I not helped you? Those girls would still be making your life a living hell. And who stopped it?" She remained silent. I forced her head off of my shoulder and placed both of my hands on her shoulders. "WHO STOPPED IT?" I asked.

At this point I knew I had to do my best to keep from losing control. "You…it was you. You did it." she answered. Her head was tilted downwards. I gently lifted her jaw so that she was level with me. I put my mouth to her ear. "So, are we friends yet? Or are you an enemy of mine?" I asked softly. Without another word she used all of her might and pushed me back onto the couch and ran off. She tripped while doing so but quickly managed to regain herself and run back towards the cafeteria. Now I was PISSED! I angrily punched the couch. I had to let go of this anger somehow. I returned to the cafeteria and Tiffany was sitting with her friends for another day. She looked fearful. She picked at her food. The other girls were talking and laughing among themselves but Tiffany only stared sadly at her meal. She was totally despondent to the situation between her and I. My meal was missing from the table. I could care less if she threw it away out of her own anger. Food was the farthest thing from my mind at the moment. I stood at the entrance and just stared. She looked up and we locked eyes. Her eyes grew wide in fear. The tension between us was very real. She broke off the stare and began eating quickly. Mealtime was winding down and as usual the children were allowed to go outside to get their exercise and play time. The girls who were finished began to trickle out They laughed and ran in excitement. They had plenty of time everyday in which to do so. Our classes had been completed for the day. I had to stare at Tiffany everyday in class as I sat in the back row. She had completely showed me just how frightened I was to her. I still had my matches. Sister Abigail wouldn't notice. She always kept a shit load of them in her office. The girls always went to the back of the building because there was more space as well as a swing set, etc. but I only hung around out there to stare at my daughter. I was in a rage as I made my way outside. I was bordering on losing it. I went over to the side of the large white building. There were two large air conditioning unit. I just wanted to raise some more hell at this point. There were small twigs all over the grass from the many trees that grew nearby. I gathered up a bundle of them and placed them alongside one of the units. I ripped out a match and struck it on the back of the match book. The tiny match head burst into flame as I tried to light the sticks. "Fuck", I said aloud. I tried at least four times to my frustration. Finally, I managed to catch to bundle on fire. I dumped the matchbook on the small but growing fire which caused them to ignite simultaneously. A steady stream of smoke began to rise upward as the flames made there was to the unit itself. I looked behind me as I walked casually to the backyard. The unit burst into flames. I took a ball that was sitting in the grass and pretended to play with it happily, kicking it around. A plume of smoke suddenly floated to where all of us had gathered. The odor was that of chemicals. The Freon must have caught fire! The girls began to shout in unison. "Help! Hurry! Sister Abigail? The house in on FIRE!" they screamed. A group of girls ran to fetch them.

Setting that fire at least provided some release for me. Four of the Sisters ran outside. Abigail and Judith were armed with fire extinguishers. The girls looked on at the sight as the two of them warned for us to stay back. I had to fight the urge to smile. I seriously did! The air conditioner was completely engulfed in flames. I enjoyed the hilarious sight of the Sisters struggling to extinguish the flames. The white mist from the extinguishers filled the air. Judith was virtually hysterical. A large spark suddenly flew onto her skirt and now SHE was on fire! I put my hand over my mouth and made my way to the back of the crowd. Abigail quickly put her out and they resumed their struggle. After a few moments of frantic struggle the fire was out. A large cloud of acrid black smoke hovered above St. Mariana's. It would have been all the more joyful if Sister Judith just became completely engulfed in flames. I smiled at the thought of her rolling around in the grass! "Stop, drop, and DIE!" I thought. This was a true treat for me and had the effect, at least temporarily, of calming me down. That was the only real reason that I started the fire in the first place. Luckily for them the building was untouched except for the fact the wall behind the air conditioner was black with soot. I laughed under my breath. I had to bite my tongue. I had terrorized the Sisters and the girls once again at their expense. It was a hell of a fire, too! Chaos was my drug but the high never lasted long enough. Not for this empty soul. Even after what I just done I noticed that my anger was still simmering inside of me. A burning ember that I could not extinguish. I knew I had to stay in control for my own sake. There was just to damn much at stake. I was determined that if I couldn't be the mother than Tiffany so desperately needed than nobody else could. It was always my way with people. She had a hell of a lot of nerve to have been giving me the cold shoulder for such a long time now. There would be consequences to these actions. Just as a mother would punish their child if they did something wrong I knew that mommy had to punish her daughter. Severe punishment.

No, I didn't intend to kill her like I had done to so many others. I just wanted to put her in line. I was her saving grace and she needed to understand that. Without me she was nothing here. As I thought about this I became solemn once again. My situation with Tiffany was certainly nothing to laugh about. The Sisters calmed the girls down and told us that the situation was under control. They must have thought it was some kind of accident because neither of them gave us a cold stare. The air conditioner continued to smolder. It was completely wrecked. I eyed Tiffany within the crowd. I could bet that she was thinking that I was behind this. All the more reason for her to stay in line. For little Tiffany come back to her mommy. Then again it was all the more reason for her to continue to fear me. Not something I intended for at all. My anger continued to burn within the inner core of my being. Tiffany and the rest of the girls disassembled and went about their normal activities. Tiffany looked over in my general direction and once again locked eyes with me. I stared coldly at her. Without thinking I extended my arm and pointed directly at her. I followed her with my finger as she distanced herself from me. She always had to watch her back whether she was inside or outside. I tried desperately today to win her back but I let my hurt get the best of me. "You were so stupid today, Leena. She's as frightened as ever. "Why did you lose your temper like that. You promised yourself, Leena. You promised not to frighten her. Not to force yourself on her. You grabbed her. Your so damn STUPID. Now what do I do? Now she really has a reason to be frightened for good", I thought. Thoughts began to creep into my head of seriously harming or even murdering Tiffany. I didn't want things to get a boiling point. Once I crossed that line of no return there was no telling what I might do or when I would do it.

Even with my very future at stake I was now in that unwelcome position where I felt I might lose control. I always kept my feeling bottled up. It is like a pressure cooker. It builds and builds. Sooner or later I would blow. "You love Tiffany, Leena. Stop thinking like this. Your NOT going to allow yourself to do this shit. You love Tiffany. YOU LOVE TIFFANY." I thought, desperate to regain control over my mind. Intellectually I knew that she had every right in the world to be the way she now was. I had known this for months by now. Those deep feelings that I had for Tiffany would not prevent me from letting my emotions guide my actions. I was growing as cold as ice being stuck in this damn home. My only light of hope, my little Tiffany, had all but slipped away. No matter how hard I tried at this point she had fanned the flames of my inner rage. Now what was my next move? WHAT THE FUCK IS MY NEXT MOOD? If I attacked her she could very well spill the beans on me. The thoughts continued to take over my mind. I fantasized about what it would be like to slit her throat open. To watch her bleed out until she died. I thought about beating or stabbing her to death. To do to her what I had done to Samantha but only worse. I could never control my thoughts or any of my urges. Such a shitty life has that kind of effect on a person I suppose. Now Tiffany was nowhere to be found. I assumed she had gone inside to stay close to the nuns. She knew she would be safe if she didn't sway to far away from them. Tiffany knew just how violently dangerous I could be. I came to the epiphany that there was no hope and winning her back to me. I was suddenly hit in the head by a large volley ball. I seen another little girl named Jessica who apparently had hit me by accident. In anger I picked up the ball and hit her in the stomach full force. "Stupid little bitch! Watch what the HELL your doing!" I shouted. The little girl didn't even pick up the ball as she quickly retreated to the safety of the group. I didn't want to built any relationships with the other girls. I only wanted Tiffany.

I knew my mood wouldn't improve anytime soon. The fact that I had so much for her pissed me off more than the fact that she wouldn't even come near me. I felt betrayed and broken. I guess I knew how Syrah felt about me when she found out about my former atrocities. There was such a profound sense of loss as I wandered aimlessly around the property. The heat was oppressive and I was sweating profusely. I looked up at the bright rays of the Sun. The grass was scorched yellow due to the intense heat. I knew my heart and soul were as scorched as this dead grass. I no longer tried to formulate a plan for winning back my daughter. Punishment was the only way to redeem myself. Syrah's words would not stop me. The fact that Tiffany was a little girl and I was an adult would not stop me. I just wanted revenge. Vindication and payback. And that payback was going to truly be a bitch for her! Now I wanted to figure out how to punish her. Should I frame her like I did with Allison? Or should I just physically hurt her? Would she expose me if I did something like this? Half of me wanted to believe she was far too terrified to turn on me and the other half wanted me to believe that she would report me and I would be permanently removed. I would most likely wind up in some youth detention center or the like. If even she dared to expose me I would likely have to kill her. I knew that violence was the only way to show this eight year old little brat who was in charge of this situation. It was as simple as that. I have murdered three children before. If she dared fuck up she would number four on my list. I would show her the true terror of my violent atrocities. I would show her pain and suffering far worse than she could ever imagine. More and more she was pushing me to the brink. That point of no return. I had all the time in the world to plot. She made me bitter towards her. Unless she came back to me voluntarily I had no other options. Either that or she better hope a family comes along and take her away where I could never hurt her. And to think I loved this child as my own. Thinking so violently made me think about how I would interact with my own child that I knew would be mine one day. I would simply cross that bridge when I get to it. Now was the time to plot. Tiffany…I shall tread upon her ashes…I will show her the point of no return…

**In Chapter 28, Leena finally formulates a plot to take revenge on her "daughter". However, she needs to make sure that Tiffany stays silent about all of Leena's actions both past and present. But will Leena have to kill again to make sure it stays that way? Thank you for reading. I ALWAYS enjoy your reviews and PM's! They really mean a lot to me!**


	29. Breaking Tiffany

**Author's Note - I FINALLY got around to deleting all of the chapters of Leena's Escape, uploading them for a second time, and then compiling them all into a single file. Why I didn't do this from day one I'll never know. Anywho, as many of my readers are also subscribers to my works, if you happen to get a bunch of notifications saying all these different chapters have been uploaded only know that it is because I re-uploaded all of the content. Not because I smoked an 8-Ball and suddenly had enough energy to write twenty new chapters in a single day XD…**

**In Chapter 28, after Leena talks to Syrah in one last ditch effort to rekindle her relationship with Tiffany. She finally confronts Tiffany one last time only to frighten her even more. Leena finally realizes that there would be no chance of reconciliation between the two of them. After realizing this she decides to punish Tiffany for having ignored her for so long…**

"Cold oatmeal… can they serve me something that isn't shit once and awhile" I lamented. I sat alone in the corner of the cafeteria for breakfast. It was once again another weekend. The minutes ticked away on the clock. Time was always moving on it's endless march forward. I sat alone and eyed Tiffany almost menacingly. She was hunched over her own bowl of oatmeal. She was about thirty feet away. "The ball is in your court Leena. Tiffany has to pay the price. She has to pay in blood and misery. Backstabbing little BITCH!" I muttered angrily. I slowly put a spoonful of my food into my mouth. She was talking with her little group of friends but obviously she still seemed frightened by my very presence. Always lurking and always close by. It was as if a ticking time bomb was always right behind her. Just when would the fuse run out? I knew it would for sure by now. "You need to act fast Leena. Let her know who is REALLY in control now! It'll be just a little secret." I continued speaking to myself. I looked down at the disgusting bowl in front of me. I really didn't have much of an appetite lately. Maybe it was the oppressive heat of a muggy Summer or perhaps it was because I had so much going on in my head. Most of my waking hours now were spent in depression. Every now and then I had my trademark bursts of anger and rage. I was feeling the latter right then and there. I had to admit to myself that hurting little Tiffany was not an easy thing to do. That being strictly in an emotional sense. I had shared a lot of happy moments with her and I felt truly devastated that it all had to come to this. That's life, though. Sometimes friends become enemies. I wish I could draw her back to me. I sighed. It was too bad she didn't realize what was soon to happen to her. I had to repay her for putting me through hell these past couple of months. She made me feel almost dirty, completely defeated. I now was determined to put her through as much hell as possible I really didn't want to kill her. I just wanted to hurt her. Slashing her throat would be have been nice. I actually find the sight of fresh, warm blood to be erotic. But come on now, isn't that all too obvious? I wanted to physically abuse her in some way. My dire thoughts were about to become a terrible reality yet again.

"How much do you want to hurt me Tiffany? I've lost so much because of you" I thought. "And I thought I could have been your mommy? You were my little sun beam. You've sucked my heart out." All I could think about were things I still wanted to say to her. I wish that she would come running back to me so she could avoid her punishment. By some miracle that would happen and she would avoid the punishment that was waiting for her, I wanted someone else to hurt her again and see what happens when somebody doesn't come to her aid. Someone like myself. Then she would be crawling back. Leena Klammer is all too dangerous to brush aside. I didn't even bother to take my tray back. I wanted her to suffer today. Today was bleak outside. There was a light rain that had been steady since the prior evening. I always had plenty of time to think. I wondered who was now occupying my former cell at the Saarne Institute? Is Doctor Varava still nervous about my whereabouts? Was I still being hunted down in Estonia? Is Syrah REALLY okay with me? Questions like these were what I thought of daily.

I felt like I had to distract myself from the boiling rage that seemed to be intensifying every hour. It was as if I was not even thinking about my future at this point. I was just focused on payback. In retrospect, I realize that was a very reckless thing to do. This particular Summer we were getting a good deal of rain. Of course the girls were not allowed outside during swuch days. I wandered the halls slowly and aimlessly, lost within my own thoughts. Without even thinking about it, a plan emerged. Yes, it would be risky and dangerous to both Tiffany and myself but I felt like the punishment would be fitting. My revenge would also cause trouble for the damn nuns. They were constantly trying to take my ribbons off. I couldn't hurt them directly but this would be another reason for them to freak out. The big question remained is would Tiffany stay quiet? I had to make sure that she didn't notice me. When I was enraged there was little thought given to the potential consequences to my actions. I wish I could apologize to my sister for what I was about to do. Just another betrayal of her trust. It didn't matter now. I walked by the aged wood panels that lined the walls. I wondered how many of the children were depressed and lonely such as myself. It was impossible to ever know how many were trapped in their own personal hell such as I was. The girls were finishing up their meals.

I spent far too much time on my own. I had to stay alone in order for me to carry things out. I rushed upstairs, making sure that none of the Sisters were around. I was in the clear and I went into Tiffany's dorm. It was in the back of the building. A single window faced out into the back yard. The air was so humid and oppressive within these walls. Fresh air was always a good thing. I unlatched the window and had to struggle to open it. A light wind caressed my face with a refreshing breeze. I inhaled deeply. I resumed talking to myself. "Leena, why can't you just wait a couple of days? I'll calm down if I can just wait a few days. That is the right thing to do. It's too risky. I know better than to do this with my very life on the line right now. No, if it's going to happen then it's going to happed TODAY!" I screamed, slamming my fists on the window sill. I refused to listen to my mind. "Just get it over with" I said. I went out into the hallway and leaned over the railing that led downstairs. I could hear the ruckus which always meant the children were finished. I rushed to Tiffany's bed and obtained one of her dolls. The hollow glass eyes stared back at me blankly. The little plastic doll would be my "bait". I cautiously went down the steps and was happy to note that the girls were mingling out of my sight. I always waited for the right time to act. Luck always seemed to be in my favor while I was there. I gently placed the doll on the third step and once again took my perch at the railing at the top. The girls began pouring back out. They would have their usual playtime. "Come on now, let her NOTICE IT" I hissed. Tiffany walked by the stairs but suddenly turned her head. I backed up just enough so that I was out of sight. She backed up and noticed her doll lying there like a limp noodle. "Now what are you doing down here?" she said, putting her hands on either side of her waist as if she were angry. "That's right you little whore! Take the bait! TAKE IT!" I smiled wickedly. I could read her lips above all of the usual joyous shouting that was always so commonplace to the innocent children. She picked up the little doll and I quickly made haste back to my own dorm. Now her dorm was connected to mine by a doorway leading into hers. I made sure the door was wide open and hid against the wall in my own dorm.

She had the bottom bunk at the end of her room. As I hid in my dorm I listened to Tiffany skipping along the floor. She was humming some nursery rhyme to herself. Her behavior didn't indicate any fear or apprehension. Nor did it imply she knew what was coming to her. She pulled out a cardboard box from underneath the bed and sat with it on the edge of her bed. She took out another doll and began playing with the two. Not at all different than any eight year old girl would do. I took off my shoes and slowly entered the room. She was not facing me. I crept up so very slowly. Ever so softly. I was about half way across the room when the floor creaked. I quickly laid down flat at the side of one of the bunks. She must have noticed as she became silent. After a brief moment she went back to playing with her dolls. My heart raced and the tension filled my soul as I resumed making my way to her. I slowly crawled until I was on the side of her own bed. She was lost in her own games. As I weighed a little over 80 pounds, I didn't make enough noise as a full grown person would make. I now had the advantage. I figured that even if Tiffany wound up seeing me that I could make up an excuse. I could always just tell her that I wanted to talk yet again. I almost wanted to get caught by her. So that we could talk yet again. I knew deep down though that she would never respond positively to me ever again. This was the only solution to this problem. I laid there for about five minutes. I was startled when one of the girls entered my dorm. I couldn't see her or what she was doing. The bed that Tiffany was sitting on made a slight creak as she turned around to watch the girl. My whole body tensed up. Things were getting dangerous now. I listened to Tiffany playing with her dolls again. She had a doll in each hand on the window sill and I listened intently as my door mate left the room and went back downstairs. I sure as hell wanted to be left alone with Tiffany. No third party could get involved or witness the anger that I was about to unleash. I peered up ever so slowly with the cunning of a snake stalking it's prey. Tiffany stood up and was standing in front of the open window. She was playing with the two dolls on the window sill, lost within her own imagination.

\The rain trickled in slightly but Tiffany didn't seem to mind. My prey was in clear sight. I got her just where I wanted her. I crawled stealthily until I was about four feet behind her. My muscles were so tense that I felt like it would be impossible to stand up. "Come on, no backing out now!" I thought. I crept a little closer. Now I was maybe a little more than a foot behind her. If she even so much as backed up she would run right into me. In a sudden burst of energy I stood up. I grabbed Tiffany by the waist and lifted up her legs. The adrenaline was racing through my body as I pushed her clear out the window! The little girl let out a shrill and deafening screech as she fell some fifteen feet onto the grass below. The dolls laid pathetically next to her. "Play time is over you little cunt!" I didn't even so much as let out a yell as I pushed her. It only took a second. Now it was finished. Tiffany was crying hysterically and holding herself around her mid section. She at least had to have broken some bones. "Clever, very clever!" I said triumphantly. I clapped my hands together in excitement as I watched her squirm about in absolute agony. Her face was so contorted with pain. Her eyes were tightly closed. She wiggled around like a fish out of water. I couldn't help but begin laughing as I quickly put my shoes back on and retreated downstairs. I was always safe within the confines of the group. As usual, nobody seemed to take notice of my absence. Everyone under this roof seemed to be too stupid to put two and two together. Shy little Esther could never do anything wrong! It wasn't possible in the eyes of the Sisters. Allison and her friends knew better to keep their distance after their brutal punishment and now Tiffany would know that I had put all of my cards on the table. Tiffany was far too shy herself to ever stick up for herself. She was weak and I was strong. And the strong always prevail over the weak! It is all too obvious that there was something far more sinister than "fresh air" for why I opened the window!

Tiffany was so loud in her screaming that everybody could here her from inside. "Everybody wait here!" yelled Sister Abigail. She made haste to the back door to see what was going on. I caught the odor of cigarette smoke as she passed. Of course, neither myself nor the others disobeyed Abigail's command. After all, I was satisfied enough with my act of terror. I could actually taste the victory! It made my rage just melt away! "I'm sorry Tiffany, but you brought this on yourself" I thought. I apologized to Syrah, too. She would never know what just happened. That was the only part I felt sad about. The constant betrayal of trust. But what she doesn't know can't hurt her! The screaming came closer as Sister Abigail and Sister Margaret carried her inside and into the nurse's office. I wanted to savor every last drop of pain and torment that Tiffany was experiencing. Now she could feel the pain that she had put me through. Anybody who causes me pain needs to have the same happen to them…only worse. And this was just one of those incidents. "Dumb little fucker should have known better. She seen what I was capable of yet she dared to brush me off." I thought. I felt like I had purged myself of all the rage I had bottled up against the little girl. It was all over, my plan was done and finished. She could thank her lucky stars that she was still even alive.

Fifteen feet is a long drop after all. I could still hear the screaming. The intensity of her suffering brought joy to my heart. A feeling of peace and redemption. I felt so vindicated of all of the bullshit I had to put with at St. Mariana's. The girls were talking amongst themselves. "What happened?", "Who is crying like that?", "Is it one of us.? It has to be one of us!", just a few of the questions they were asking. I made sure to put on my own mask. I made myself appear just as worried and concerned as the others. Acting any other way would only raise suspicion. I discretely eyed Allison and her little group. At least they were not staring at me as if I were to blame. Perhaps they were just frightened to do so. Today was most surely a great day to be Leena Klammer! I knew Tiffany would be all but silent. Even if I were to be removed from here I think she would always be terrified of me coming back to get her somehow. Just as a small child is scared of the "monsters in the closet", she would now be forever scared of me. I was her monster. I was the one stalking her, waiting to strike at any moment. And to think that this could all have been avoided so easily. The crying and screaming once again got closer as the two sisters carried her out. Abigail was holding her by the shoulders and Margaret by the feet. Tiffany was surely in a dire state of being. I stood up and made my way to the front door, having the courtesy to open it for them. "Thank you, Esther. Thank you!" said Margaret, seemingly out of breath. As the two of them exited, I noticed Tiffany looking at me. I could see the pain and horror etched into her face. I gave her an evil smile and waved mockingly at her as she was placed into the back seat of Abigail's car. Apparently they weren't waiting around for an ambulance. I closed the door behind me and joined the girls. Now they all knew that it was Tiffany. Her friends were deeply troubled about what had happened. They could only speculate. Even if she did tell on me, there was no proof that I had done anything to hurt her. I was to sweet and polite to ever be under suspicion of any kind of wrongdoing. Some of the girls appeared curious. Others appeared frightened or surprised. Yet another tragedy had befallen them. I was playing these fools like a fiddle! I felt like I was in full control of St. Mariana's. I decided who received punishment under this roof. It was almost comical the way she fell. The hospital was getting plenty of business thanks to me.

One of the children, of whose name I have forgotten, sat next to me on the floor. "Why are these bad things going on?" she asked as if I had the answer. Of course, I had the answers but I must have appeared as dumbfounded as her. "Maybe it's just bad luck." I answered. "I hope she's alright. What could have happened? Now they took her away." The little blonde was quite lively in her attitude. She didn't seem to be somber or disturbed. It didn't matter now. I made a vow to myself not to grow close to any of these children ever again. I didn't want my heart to be broken anymore. The day would come for motherhood. I really didn't even want to talk to any of them at this point. The reason I was even here was not to find a child in one of these girls, but to find a man who would finally sweep me off my feet! I ignored the little girl as she continued babbling on about the possibilities of what had happened with Tiffany. I suddenly spoke out in Estonian.

I tõugatav et väike libu aknast välja. Mul oli viimane naerma. This meaning, "I pushed the little bitch out the window. I had the last laugh." The children were always taken aback when I spoke my native language. "Wow! What does that mean?' she asked. I refused to answer her. Everybody here now seemed dead to me. Now I could worry about what truly mattered to me. That is getting out of here ASAP. I did look forward to Tiffany returning both battered and bruised. Her tiny frame wrapped in plaster casts. She would be in pain for days. Just another day, just another worthless victim. There was a bowl full of candy on the table on the side of the room. I walked over and took a few peanut butter cups. I tossed one to the little girl who had been speaking to me and sat down on the couch. This couch was mine as far as I was concerned. I was always the only one to bother sitting on it. I kind of wished that Tiffany had died. Then she would be silent for all of eternity. She would STAY silent either alive or dead. I felt so in control of my destiny. Causing pain and misery was my drug of choice. I almost wanted to hurt another one of these girls just for the fuck of it! There were plenty of cans of whoop ass for me to open up! The rain intensified. I thought about the girls thinking of the old nursery rhyme, "Rain, rain, go away, won't you come back another day." I thought about what Tiffany would be thinking, "Pain, pain, go away, take my life another day" I went into the hallway and began snickering at that thought.

Things could have been oh so different between Tiffany and I. She MADE me do it! She had brought this disaster on herself. I didn't care how terrified she might have been of me. "Mommy" laid out her punishment. I was no longer "mommy" to her or anyone else here. The only thought that tugged at me was the possibility of what could have been between her and I as in regards to our relationship. Well, no reason worrying about the past. I was determined to push forward at whatever the cost. If other's had to pay along the way then so be it. I heard no crying from any of the girls from my spot in the hallway. I'm sure some of them had to have their suspicions about what had happened. Beating Ashley and choking her out, intimidating Allison, poisoning nearly a dozen girls, the fire outside, now Tiffany and her "accident". These girls had taken quite a lot of punishment since my arrival. It would surely be best for all of them once I departed. I hummed "The Glory of Love" ever so innocently as I decided to skip my way over to Tiffany's bunk bed. I never cared much for the song. It was just something I did to appear more childish, more innocent. I seen that the box that contained her dolls was still lying where she had placed it. For the hell of it I grabbed several of the dolls and simply ripped them apart. "Stupid ass plastic Barbie dolls!" I hissed to myself. My face took on a look of malicious intent as I tore her treasured dolls into tatters. She tore up my heart. This was the least I can do, well, besides pushing her out of a window and giving her a ticket to the hospital! Even as I sit here now I can't help but snicker about it. My wry sense of humor. How delighted I could be at the suffering of others. I looked down up the mess that had once been her dolls. Broken arms, fiberglass hair pulled out in bundles, the dead, idiotic stare of the lifeless play things. I threw them all angrily into the box and shoved them forcefully under her bed. If she did come back, at least this would be one more thing for her to be miserable about. I began muttering to myself. The anger had now creeped it's way back into the dark recesses of my psyche. "I gave her so many chances. So much time! Look what you made me do, Tiffany. Mommy didn't want this for you. I had all the love in the world for her. Why did it have to end like this!" I stuttered as my anger quickly formed into a stream of tears. I sat on the floor and buried my head in my hands. I didn't even care if anyone would see me. I cried and cried. It was the only thing I could do. My emotions, my feelings, they turn on a dime. Rage had turned into triumph, triumph turned into happiness, happiness turned into anger, and now anger had taken me to the outer depths of abysmal depression. I cried over how it had to come to this. All the times we shared, and all of the trust she had placed in me. Gone, gone forever! I weeped as I thought about what could have been. The role of "mommy" was over here at Saint Mariana's. I spoke aloud to myself, my voice trembling. "Don't cry, Leena. You gave her what she deserved. You can't let her or anyone else use you like this! How many times much you tell yourself this?" I suddenly felt a little comfort at this morbid train of thought. I dried my tears. I still at least had my sister. Yet, of course, she was thousands of miles away from me.

I guess hurting Tiffany was also a way of me venting all the frustration I have had in all of the months I have been here. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. And yet couples very rarely came. There were what they called 'Open House", it sounds almost like they are trying to sell real estate. No, the only objects being pushed were the children and myself. NO girls had left yet. I was at the end of my rope. If I couldn't find somebody soon I pondered the thoughts that sooner or later I would have to run. I had no plan, I didn't even want to dare consider such a drastic actions. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn't sit there for two or three years. "Esther" never grows. "Esther" is always nine. My height does not change. My weight does not change. Neither do my ambitions and dreams. Nonetheless, "Esther" had to stay alive. "Esther" had to keep on living in order for Leena to survive. I had no life being stuck here. All I had to stare at were bare walls and the wailing and playful, joyous playing of the children. Their joy made me all the more despondent. It was never good for me to be alone with my thoughts. I decided to make my way back to the girls. I certainly must have looked melancholy but that was not a mask. The children were still stunned. They HAD to be suspicious! I almost cared less for who would be pointing fingers at whom. My couch had been taken by some of the children. I found a chair in the far corner and just sat with my hands resting under my chin. I looked at the clock on the wall. I realized it was as broken as I was. Sister Judith was in the room and on her cell. It was obvious she was talking to Sister Abigail about what the situation with Tiffany. As far as I was concerned these nuns were my captors. I ended Sister Abigail's life long ago when I was living with the Colemans (I miss John SO much!). That is for me to write about later. At this singular moment in time, I realized that St. Mariana's wasn't all that different from the Saarne Institute. I was imprisoned. I might as well have been in a straightjacket while I was there. My captors, instead of wearing white hospital scrubs and armed with pepper spray and black police clubs, were simple and humble nuns. Still, unlike at Saarne, I knew I would be released one day…someday…soon.

I stood up and wandered close to Sister Judith to try and eavesdrop on her conversation. I suddenly tensed up stiff as a board at the first sentence I heard. "Well…did she tell you what happened? Why she fell out the window?" I swear I nearly pissed myself then and there. I felt my blood run cold as time seemed to freeze up. She suddenly covered her mouth. "I'm fucked! I'm FUCKED!" I thought. She suddenly put her hand on her chest and seemed to breath a sigh of relief. "Oh, alright then, she just tripped while looking down over the window? I just wanted to get things straight." she said. I, too, could take a deep breath. Just as I had thought, It was now confirmed one hundred percent that Tiffany was not going to say a damn thing against me. I held the keys to her fate and she damned well knew that! Still, Tiffany is a very bright and intelligent little girl. She knew all to well that if she said it was I who had pushed her, and the nuns didn't believe her, that there was no telling what I might do. If that were the case I obviously could do nothing, I could very likely be expelled, or worser still, my identity could be at severe risk. Hurting her again would shift the avalanche of accusations against me and it there would be an ice cube's chance in hell before I EVER let an eight year old girl bring me down! I knew I had taken a very risky and stupid risk with Tiffany. I got lost in my thoughts yet again. "Looks like I'm in the clear. I'll keep the little bitch quiet if I have to sew her mouth shut! Everything is in control. MY control! There's no use for grieving over her anymore. What could have been between us." I knew how true that was. It would gain me no profit to distress myself any further over her. I could at least focus from this point forward on just getting out of here. Tiffany was now a sworn enemy. And I don't think to highly of my enemies (and there are more than I could count). I listened in again on Sister Judith. "She broke her thigh bone? The left one? Sweet Lord! And how many ribs did she break again?" I never got the answer to that questions. The nun simply nodded. "Well, will she be coming back today or what?" This was all the kind of information I needed to know. "Ask the doctor like you said but I'll prepare her bed for her." I smiled at the proposition of her returning today. "Okay, well I'll prepare for her to come back no matter what happens. Just let me know. Alright then. Alright. Thank you, Sister Abigail. God bless. Tell Tiffany we all wish her the best" The call ended and the violent thoughts rolled through my head yet again.

I pictured a torture chamber where I could not only inflict pain on her but everyone else who fucked with me, who ruined my life, who dared to deny me what I strived to become, what I strived to have all for myself. James, that sick bastard, I wanted to torture him more than anyone but at least his ass literally went up in flames. Hell itself swallowed his soul, there he could abide her Eternity. I could fill a whole chapter with what I would do to that scum bucket. There were plenty of others - Samantha, Allison and her friends, Tiffany, every man who rejected me. What FUN I could have! I could always retreat into my own mind. I closed my eyes. I could hear them screaming. Tied up. Bound and gagged. Pleading for mercy. But mercy wouldn't come. I was the devil and they were in MY HELL! What would they say now if I burned them with a blowtorch? What would they do if I skinned them ALIVE? How magnified would their collective agony become when I stuck a pin through their eyes? When I pierced the very essence of their souls, exposing the darkest elements of my being. The elements that I could not control. Where would sweet, little "Esther" be then? Like them, she would fade into endless oblivion. I snapped myself back into reality. Sister Judith stayed in the room. She was keeping an eye on us while Abigail and Margaret were away. The hospital was only a few miles away but I wanted to be alone so I went into the cafeteria. There were always fruit, bagels, and things like that for us to eat between meals. I grabbed a bagel and took a seat. It was dead. I put my head down abd just laid there pathetically wondering what I could possibly do from this point forward. After all, my options were pretty much out of my control. I could never MAKE a family take me into their home. My mind wandered off. I sat there for who knows how long. An hour, two? I felt that way. I was completely zoned out. Mentally numb to the point of exhaustion. A sad and pathetic creature for any person to take sight of. A dried up flower with all of her petals picked clean. Could I sink into despair any further?

My nerves were becoming more and more strained. The nagging question began to haunt my mind. "Is she going to tell? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!" I began shaking like a leaf. Like a candle flickering in the wind, my emotions swayed back and forth like a pendulum. If she did say anything I could expect the police to come knocking. Without my make-up, without the little dress, how could I stay hidden if I were to be taken away by force? I paced back and forth with my arms crossed. I could not soothe my mind. In frustration I kicked one of the plastic chairs. It smacked violently against another table. I fell over and landed on my ass, my hands holding me up from behind. I got up again and took another chair and tossed it hard into the wall. I breathed heavily. I felt swollen with inner rage. I felt like I might do something that I would regret. If I had a gun then no prayers under this roof would keep me from killing every one of these little bitches. My shoulders heaved and I angrily growled. The frustration was very real. "Esther" was giving way to Leena. I put my forehead on the wall and looked down as I did my damnest to regain control of my demons. They had to stay caged. "Leena, Leena, what would your poor sister think if you were caught? Think about her! Think about Syrah! Think about how much she loves you, doesn't want you to get caught. Leena, please, PLEASE STOP! Freedom…yes…stay free. That's why your in this damn place! Never restrained again! NO! NEVER AGAIN!" I said aloud. I almost felt like hyperventilating. I slid down the wall to my knees. I put my hand on the wall. I realized that I had put myself in the situation that was bearing down on me. Had I not hurt Tiffany, at least my mind wouldn't be turning against me as it now was. This was as scared as I had ever been since setting foot at Saint Mariana's. I was sweating heavily. I stood up, still shaking, I walked over to the a table and took some napkins. I wiped my face. At least a few hours had passed since Tiffany left for the hospital. I was zoned out for so long. So numb only to have my mind nearing collapse. I had to sit down again. I tried to control my body but I could not stop shaking. I was terrified over what the next minute would bring. I had to drown out the thoughts of being hauled away from here. "You're so damn reckless, Leena! If she told, it's ALL OVER! You stupid little BITCH!" I muttered, kicking the chair next to me out of frustration. If the authorities found out who I really was it would be a one way trip back to Saarne. If any authorities came I had no choice but to run. "Leena, if you run, call Syrah. Yes, she'll come get me! After all, that's what she wants to do to begin with!" I thought, only attempting to calm myself for the moment.

I noticed some of the children meandering about in the hallway. It seemed the hours had taken their concerns away. I sat for another long spell. There was little else I could do but see what fate had in store for me this day. Only a few moments later I heard a familiar voice. It was Sister Abigail. Now my heart was truly frozen. I sat up and took a very deep breath. My legs were still shaking to the point where I had to brace myself on the tables just to be able to walk unto the hallway. With fear completely controlling my being I peered out into the hallways, within immediate sight of the front door. Abigail did not appear to be the least bit concerned as to my whereabouts. There were no police, no authorities of any kind. I continuously had to wipe the sweat from my brow. Sister Abigail even appeared a little jovial, as if she were glad that Tiffany would be okay. I could read her like a book. The door remained open and I was quick to catch sight of Sister Margaret helping Tiffany into the house. She was on crutches and was no longer in the idiotic uniforms that we were forced to wear every day. She was dressed in plain white clothing, White pants, white shirt. The hospital must have given this to her. I could see something underneath her shirt. It looked like she had wrapping covering her lower chest. I was guessing that she must have broken some ribs. Her right leg was wrapped entirely in a cast. She had a large row of stitches on the right side of her forearm. She was truly fucked up. I felt my fears just melt away. I stopped shaking, I stopped sweating. "It's going to be all right! The little whore didn't tell! You're in the clear!" I softly spoke to myself. My voice was filled with excitement. Although I had taken a big risk and put my ass on the fryer, I knew it all paid off! Tiffany struggled to walk as the children filed out into the foyer to curiously stare at Tiffany. Sister Judith came over to help Margaret in assisting Tiffany. The little girl was in tears and moaned in pain with each little step. Even though she was on crutches, they did little in helping her move. The high that I felt was better than any drug! I could drink in her pain and I enjoyed every bit of it!

Her hair was a mess. It was matted carelessly on her forehead. I knew for a fact that it takes bones some six weeks to heal properly. She was going to experience a hell of a lot more pain before it was all said and done. The misery I had caused her would last and last. I'm pretty sure the experience would fuck her up in the head for the rest of her life.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", as I believe Dr. Varava once spoke about it. The little girl was tearful as she stared down to the floor. She seemed terrified of falling. Judith and Margaret were holding her up on either side. Tiffany was sobbing. "It's going to alright, child. Sssshhhh! Everything is going to be okay, Tiffany. Everything is going to be fine. Let's take you to bed" said Sister Abigail as the escorted her. The children whispered amongst themselves. They were gawking at her as if she were an attraction in some sort of freak show. I carefully exited the cafeteria and decided to make my next move. It was purely something I thought about doing in the moment. I came up to the Sisters. "Is she okay?" I asked concerned. I held my hands up to my mouth in utter shock. "Tiffany, are you alright?" I asked. Her eyes grew wide and she began shaking herself. She just continued staring at the floor and sobbing softly in pain. I'm sure she was drugged up to some extent but she was still aware of her surroundings. "You see, Esther. The poor little thing broke her leg, three of her ribs are broke, she needed 18 stitches on her arm. The doctor said she is lucky to be alive. She'll be okay, Esther". said Sister Abigail reassuringly. She ran her hand through my curled hair as if trying to soothe my worries. "Do you need my help?" I asked softly. My rich accent was filled with childish concern. "In fact, Esther. Can you stand behind Tiffany as we take her to her dorm. Just so that she doesn't fall. Don't touch her though because she is obviously in a lot of pain." I nodded. Sister Margaret was doing her best to comfort poor little Tiffany without much success. "Did they give her pain medicine?" I asked. Sister Abigail only nodded as they began the tedious task of getting Tiffany to her dorm in one piece.

The crutches made a thumping sound as they landed on the first step. Sister Judith suddenly came along. "Esther, let me do this" she said, gently pushing me to the side. She stood behind Tiffany as they carefully lifted her up onto each step. She cried out in pain which echoes throughout the house. She nearly fell over as she raised her head back and let out an agonizing scream. I was now back with the other girls and just watched the funny little spectacle that was unfolding before our eyes. With each agonizing step she wailed in pain. All the Sisters could do was soothe her with words. Nor that it mattered, though. Her pain was not going to subside. "A job well done, Leena! Looks like today was pretty amazing after all!" I thought. It took a good five minutes to get Tiffany up the stairs. She was in hell right now. I envisioned what it must have been like to be her at that moment. I could see her falling out of that window. The ground quickly coming closer. The gruesome sound of snapping bones. The horrific pain of her forearm being torn open by the bushes below. The realization that breathing itself was painful as her ribs snapped like twigs underneath my feet. I never just hurt people for no reason. Today was no different/ All Tiffany had to do was apologize to me and at least give some effort to start a new relationship. It didn't even have to be a "mommy/daughter" relationship. To just be her companion would have been enough for me. Now I would haunt the secret places within her mind for as long as she lived. Gray hair and sagging skin would never dull her memories of me. I made sure that became a reality! "If only love didn't have to turn into hate" I ruminated. "She crushed my soul. I crushed her bones!" I thought victoriously. I crossed my hands over my chest as if I were a casual observer of the wretched screams of a child who drew my punishment on herself. "Mommy" had to be so vicious. Tiffany would never see the soft and loving side of me ever again. Even if by some miracle she would want a relationship of any kind with me I would make it damn known that I was eternally her sworn enemy. I would never again think of myself as "Mommy" to Tiffany, only "Abuser". The child's moaning and screams of pain were like a symphony to my ears. It was as relaxing as receiving a massage from my sister. Tiffany was dead within my soul, the little thankless, ungrateful brat! The crying died down after she was surely placed into bed. I knew she would be bed bound for at least the next couple of days until she could even think about moving about.

After a short spell, Abigail and Margaret, sobered by the poor creature, returned silently. I tugged Sister Abigail's sleeve. She turned her head. "Yes, Esther?" I looked up at her shyly. "May I go and see Tiffany? I know her the best and I just want to make her feel okay. I promise it will only take me a little while." She looked skeptical about my proposition. "Esther, she needs her sleep. Can't you see her tomorrow? She's been through so much today." I took on a sad and downtrodden appearance. "Pleaasssseee…I just want her to know that I'll be there for her. I'll only be a few minutes. I promise I'll be quiet with her. I just want her to know." She looked at me for a moment. "You get ten minutes with her and that's it, Esther. And that is only if she wants to talk. She really needs to get a lot of rest." I was ecstatic, although of course she didn't know how sinister I was with her. I jumped once in excitement. "Thank you, Sister Abigail", I turned and began making my way up the staircase. "Esther?" I turned my head pretending to be confused. "Ten minutes, not a second more!" I nodded and as I made my way to the top landing I was passed by Sister Judith. "What is it, Esther?" she said gently. Her voice was always quiet and soft. She was the most reserved of the nuns. "Sister Abigail said I can talk to Tiffany for ten minutes. I just want to be there for her. Go ask Sister Abigail if you want." I said pointing to the stairs. "Well, don't touch her or anything. The hospital gave us pain pills and we just gave her one. If she said ten minutes than no longer than that!" I just smiled as I tried to contain myself. "That is fine. I understand. Ten minutes. Not a second more." I turned and walked away slowly as I heard Judith return downstairs. The rest of the children remained downstairs as well. This meant is was only the two of us. An angry woman and a poor and broken little child. An absolutely helpless child. I approached very slowly and softly. Her dorm was located at the back of the building and her bed was, as I wrote earlier, right by the window. No, I had no intentions of tossing her out the window. I needed to let her know who was in charge.

I made it to the doorway. I put my hand on the wood trim and slowly moved my head inside for a closer look. I was like a lioness stalking it's prey. I was so slow but ever so calculating. Tiffany was lying there covered with a blue blanket. Her eyes were closed and her head was facing the ceiling. I could only smile as I approached. She heard me and struggled to open her eyes. She had stopped crying and resigned herself to bed. It was obvious that she wanted to be left alone. I stood directly over her as she opened her eyes. I immediately placed my hand over her mouth. I got down on my knees besides the bed. Her eyes followed me. They were instantly filled with fear. Terror filled her body. She must have felt that she was about to die. "Tiffany, stop it. Don't make ANY noise. Do you understand me? Stay QUIET and everything will be okay!" Tiffany only wiggled slightly as she was in such great pain. She closed her eyes in pain at even daring to move a muscle. I stood up, my figure must have be appeared to be so imposing to her childish eyes. "Don't move. You'll only hurt yourself more. Just lay still and I'll be gone before you know it." She was so helpless. It was such a pathetic sight to bear witness to. A "normal" person would have been moved to tears. I had no pity for this girl. I could kill her right at that very moment. "Shhhh! Stay quiet now. I'm not going to tell you again!" She was making a muffled sound as my hand remained in place. "Last time Tiffany, don't you scream out! I know it hurts" She began shaking. I slowly released my grip over her mouth. She knew that trembling would only intensify her pain. She began crying quietly. There were tears but no noise. "Well, don't you have anything to say to me? I promise not to hurt you" I whispered. Her eyes met mine. They were wide with fright. She suddenly opened her lips. "Whhh…why?" she asked. Her eyes pleaded for an answer. I played dumb for a moment. "Why what, my dear?" I asked in amusement as I smiled at her. I could tell she wanted to recoil from my presence but to the both of us it was clearly obvious that she had nowhere in the world to go. I had her cornered.

"Push me" she said. All of her crying made her voice quite hoarse. "Oh, so you're a smart little girl, aren't you now?" She dared not to speak anymore. I leaned over so my face was over hers. "I could've killed you if I truly wanted to you silly little bitch. How DARE you backstab me? After all I have done for you! I defended you, I made you feel special, I treated you like a princess, I LOVED YOU, and now you choose to ignore me, you selfish little bitch!." I placed my hand back over her mouth and pushed my other hand down on her rib cage. Her back arched as she unleashed a muffled scream of shear agony as I intentionally put strain upon her broken ribs.. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head. I pushed down again. She shook so violently that it was as if she were having some sort of seizure. "I don't like being given the cold shoulder, Tiffany. You brushed me off like a piece of dust. How DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU!" I whispered harshly, putting my face still closer to her own. I smacked her hard across her head. I smacked her a second time and then a third time. After a moment, I removed my hand from her mouth. She whimpered like a wounded animal. She was biting down on her bottom lip to keep from screaming bloody murder. "I tried to mend things between you and I. For months I believed that we still had a chance at friendship. I was all you had, Tiffany! I put my ass on the line for you, you selfish BITCH!" I angrily put my hand around her throat. "Don't hurt me, Esther. I want to live!" I felt invincible. I was in complete control of her. "That depends on one single little thing. If you DARE tell ANYBODY about what I have done to you today or anything I have done to ANYONE, you will pay a far greater price than broken bones. I PROMISE you that! I DO NOT make idle threats, Tiffany." She nodded wildly. She just wanted me as far away as possible. I released my hand from her throat. I heard footsteps approach. I immediately put my "Esther" façade back on. I turned around and smiled warmly as Sister Abigail came into the doorway. "Esther, it's time to leave Tiffany be. Come back downstairs with the rest of us." I appeared joyful. "One moment, Sister Abigail." She nodded and seen herself out. "Not one word!" I whispered. I smacked her across the face. She nodded. "Get some sleep now." I literally skipped out of the doorway singing "The Glory of Love" softly to myself. I turned around once more to get a final view of the shivering child before letting her be. I knew I would be the product of many a nightmare of hers for years to come.

I had made my point crystal clear to Tiffany. There was absolutely no doubt within my mind that she would forever keep her peace. I terrorized this girl into silence. I wouldn't even bother talking to her anymore or even acknowledging her pathetic and sad existence. She simply no longer existed to me. She was just a dream. A pleasant dream that had become a nightmare. A shattered dream that could never be reassembled. I wanted her to feel that way. I was only returning the pain that she had caused me for so long. My feelings were no longer ravaged. I was no longer hurting. Her pain was now my pleasure. "Good riddance", I thought. I didn't make my way all the way down the flight of stairs. I sat on the steps and gleefully listened to Tiffany's quiet sobbing. St. Mariana's was nothing short of a hell on Earth for her. A hell, as far as I'm concerned, that she created for herself. I went back downstairs and into Sister Abigail's office. She was hard at work doing some manner of paperwork. She looked up from her desk. "Yes, Esther?" I needed something from her. "May I please have a pen and a piece of paper. I want to draw." I said pleasantly. I always remembered to smile. "Why certainly." I was given what I asked for. Pleasant little Esther thanked her and I was on my way back to the cafeteria where I knew I would be left alone. I didn't intend to draw. I instead felt compelled to write a little poem. After all, I began writing in the first place as a way of putting my feelings onto paper…

"Yet another new day. Another life in which I slay.

Who's to judge me. God or Man?

From my fate indeed I have never ran

Tormented thoughts filled with strife.

A life is taken at the end of a knife

For those who seek to crush my soul

At the end of the day, I will take my toll

As I take my tormenters to their grave

No manner of soul shall I save

And in my dreams, the love I seek

Will thee I find or am I too weak

To fulfill those dreams, to find a man

I would cross the ocean in a single span

Whatever it takes, happiness I must find

A man to hold me, loving and kind.

And a child in which to call my own

A dying wish, a family and a home…"

I held back my emotions as I let a lone tear fall onto the paper containing my inner most feelings. I could only wonder, "Do I have a chance?"

**In Chapter 30, the months pass as Summer gives way to Fall, and Fall gives way to Winter. Esther is finally about to meet a new family to take her away from St. Mariana's for good…**

**I can't thank my fans and readers enough for all of the positive feedback that I continue to receive as I more than enjoy your PM's and reviews! You guys are great! In the next chapter…finally…we enter the movie! - F.A. D'Laurentis**


	30. Meeting The Colemans

**Author's Note - This chapter now enters the movie. I thank everyone for being so patient. The movie should cover at least 20 more chapters and the chapters after "Orphan" will follow her life afterwards. College is over until Fall so I will now have more time to focus on putting out chapters in a more timely manner. Look for a new chapter about once every two weeks as opposed to once per month as I was writing previously…Thank you!**

**In Chapter 29, Leena got her revenge against Tiffany by pushing her out of a second story window. Upon her return, Leena threatened Tiffany with far worse if she were ever to speak out about what had happened. Now, the months have passed by and Leena finds herself still waiting for a family. That is, until today…**

It was late January of 2009. The months had passed since I let loose my rage onto Tiffany. In fact, she was no longer even living at St. Mariana's. One of her distant relatives had taken her in and she was no more. That was certainly good for her health. From now on she would think twice before standing in front of an open window. I had spent month after dreadful month just waiting…and waiting. Yes, we were now having "parents" coming in and out of St. Mariana's, searching for the perfect child to call their own. This was feeling all a bit too silly. In the months since Tiffany had left, several children had been adopted. I always did my best to please those hopeful men and women who came through the door but my charm had so far done me no good. That was obvious. I was still stuck here. It was another frigid weekend. A fresh batch of snow had fallen over the past few days. Some of the girls built a snowman on the front lawn. As usual, I tried to stay segregated from the children. Tiffany had hurt me to the point where I just didn't want to form any kind of bond with anyone else so long as I was here. I guess I could liken myself to a hermit. I decided I would cause no more drama under this roof. To what purpose would it serve me when I would only be shooting myself in the foot?

Today was a Saturday and now every weekend was an "open house", for lack of a better term. This was when any prospective parents would make their intentions known and show up to "meet and greet" with the children. The Sisters were giving much more effort than usual in bringing in such people. Before, virtually nobody would visit. I sat upstairs in one of the classrooms located on the third floor. I had been spending a large amount of my free time painting. It kept me occupied and that's all that mattered. They displayed my skill and intelligence. Something in which to impress visitors with. I wasn't just some little idiot like these children presented themselves as. I wasn't preoccupied with "tag" and "ring around the rosy". The only advantage of being an adult being in a child's body is I know how to impress adults because I fucking AM one! I sat with my back facing the door. My latest work was a mother lion lying in the grass as she slept. I always had a story behind every painting. She had lost her babies and was dreaming about their return. Sure enough, when she wakes up, her babies will have found her and her dream would come true. I guess the female lion was an allegory of myself. A dreamer. Always dreaming and waiting. The stories I attached to my painting always seemed to reflect some aspect of myself and my situation. Of course, the stories appear no more deeper than fairy tales on the surface when told to another. One of my latest paintings was a portrait of some sunflowers with faces surrounded by the yellow petals themselves. It was representative of a family. To the casual observer, it means a family who would adopt and who would raise me right. To me, it was being a wife and a mother to a family someday. It was almost therapeutic in a way. Spending time alone was far more preferable to me than attending the party that was going on downstairs. One of the girls was having a birthday but what was the point of all of it? Being around children only made me feel like shit. I could hear them shouting and running around downstairs. "Son of a bitch!" I hissed angrily. I went over to the door and closed it, leaving it open only a few inches. Peace and quiet was sometimes hard to come by.

We had been told at breakfast to be on our best behaviors as their may be visitors today. I knew the drill and I knew how to act. I didn't have to practice or even try at being charming and loving. Because of the snowfall I was doubting that anybody would be making the trip up here today. I would just have to be content with my painting supplies and my imagination. I had no clue how much longer I could take it here. Today was going to be my lucky day, though! As the party continued downstairs I heard the sound of tires making their way through the snow and up the driveway. I quickly sprinted to the window and took a look outside. Coming to a slow stop was a dark, black SUV. The vehicle left broad tracks in the untouched snow. A man and a woman, both dressed darkly, exited the vehicle and began walking towards the building. The woman looked up at the window and I suddenly let out a slight gasp before ducking beneath it. "Why the fuck are you doing this for?" I asked myself. What was there to fear, after all? Perhaps it was simply because I always seemed to be paranoid when a car approached. That little nagging thought within the back of my mind entertained the idea of the cops coming to drag me away. If I felt wary of any visitors I always did my best to distance myself. I got on my knees and watched as Sister Abigail greeted the couple and shook hands. My breath condensed on the window pane as I looked on. "You're in the clear, Leena. Just another couple!". I reassured myself. Still, I could never be too careful. I stood up slowly as I watched the couple make their way inside. I was now taking the approach of not so much seeking out a visitor to actively impress so much as letting them find me. It was another reason to stay separate from the children. I could talk to this couple or any other visitor alone without the commotion. I wanted to prepare myself quickly. "Come on Leena, make Esther rise and SHINE today! First impression is always the best impression." I said aloud, trying to motivate myself. I walked back over to my easel and took a seat as I resumed my painting.

It would look so wholesome for a "parent" to see such a sweet and lovely little girl painting ever so innocently. I had another shot at the prize and I had to make it count if I were to ever get out of there. My stomach churned. "Not now, Leena. There's nothing to be nervous about. They're not cops. NOT COPS!" I told myself. I knocked on my left temple with my fist. "Keep a clear head and play the part/" I said. I stood up again and looked out the window but it was clear they had come inside. I couldn't afford to be paranoid. Esther was such a different person. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply in and then deeply out. I purged my mind of any lingering doubts and fears. I sat back down and picked up my paint brush. If they didn't come up after awhile then I would simply go downstairs and meet them. I just preferred things my way. The couple was probably overwhelmed by all of the children chasing each other too and fro. I worked on my portrait and simply waited in my own little bubble of solitude for the man to discover me. His wife, of course, was only an afterthought. Five minutes, than ten, than fifteen went by. I kept my eyes and ears open for anyone who may be approaching. I found it difficult just to keep the paintbrush steady. "You poor dear, all worked up like this", I told myself. I began singing the "Glory of Love", that idiotic excuse for a song. Just something to maybe help bring some attention my way. My stomach knotted as I suddenly heard soft and methodical footsteps approaching from down the hallway. I couldn't tell who was there but I decided to resist the temptation to turn around as I continued singing softly. I knew I would probably jump out of my seat if I seen somebody I didn't recognize. The footsteps suddenly stopped outside of the door. I simply continued to sing as if I were oblivious to the fact that anyone was there. After a moment, the footsteps turned and began walking away. I knew now was the time. I forced myself to speak. "Hello?" I asked. I heard a reply from an unfamiliar man's voice. "Hi", he said gently. I didn't turn to face him as I continued painting. The door creaked open gently as he walked down the aisle between the desks. He stopped next to a pile of my other paintings and casually lifted one off of the top of the pile. "Are all of these paintings yours?". I knew deep down inside he wasn't no cop or other authority figure. I decided to stay at ease. "Yes, do you like them?" I replied. "They're remarkable." he emphasized. I turned my head and smiled sweetly. "Thank you! My name is Esther. What's yours?" He extended his hand and I shook it. "John, nice to meet you." I turned back towards my work in progress. "Can I take a seat?" he asked. "Of course" I exclaimed.

I was struck by just how attractive he was. Tall, dark haired, chiseled face. I almost had to remind myself not to start hitting on him! I felt a sudden surge of warmth and happiness flood through me. I had an excellent feeling about John. He sat seemingly captivated by my artistic talent. I knew he had bitten the hook. "Where did you get the idea for this one?" he asked in regards to my painting. "That's it, Leena. You're doing great!" I thought. I smiled broadly in my response. "My paintings always tell stories. This one is about a sad mother lion who can't find her cubs." John pointed out the obvious. "She's smiling." I made sure to be doing the same at all times. "She's dreaming about her babies. It's the only thing that makes her happy." I wanted to keep him in that seat as long as possible. "I hope she finds them" he said softly. I guess he wanted to know where I was taking my "story". "She will…look" I said as I reached over with my right hand and dipper my brush into some yellow paint. With the first stroke above the body of the mother lion, I began to paint a portrait of the cubs. "They were lost in the jungle and they were so scared because they didn't have a mother or father. Just when they thought they would be alone forever, they found their mother asleep under this tree. Now when she wakes up, her dream will have come true. She'll have her family again." My face was glowing as I smiled at John. I already felt a bond beginning to grow. "That's amazing, you came up with that story" he said in amazement. I nodded. "Yes!" Just as I placed my brush back onto the canvas, John stood up and I turned around in my seat. There in the doorway was Sister Abigail and the woman who I seen John with when I first seen them from the window.

"Hey, I want to introduce you. This is my wife Kate. Kate this is Esther." I had to resist the urge to frown at her. "Hello. How are you?" she asked with a smile. She held her coat in her arms as she extended her hand to mine. "Nice to meet you." My hand was limp in hers. I knew there was now the distinct possibility of her being my new "best enemy". John spoke up. "She painted all these.", pointing towards the pile besides me. "Really?" she said in wonderment. "Yeah!" empathized John. She turned towards me. "These are fantastic. These are really wonderful." Being ever polite, I thanked her as I held my brush to the canvas. "Where did you learn how to do this?" I guess I could be honest with her. "I just had lots of times to practice, I guess." I began painting the eyes of the cubs. "It's really boring here." I couldn't get much more truthful when it came to that. Kate took a seat next to her husband as I smiled to myself. "It's BORING here? Hey, if you're so bored then why ain't you down at the party?" I had plenty of reasons for that. "I never really seen the point of it. Nobody's ever talked to me before." I smiled slightly. "I guess I'm different/" I felt like I had both of them in my power. "There's nothing wrong with being different, you know." Kate explained. I let my smile beam at the two of them. They were eating it all up. "Well, you two have a lot in common" added John. She playfully hit him as I continued doing my best to reel them in. He laughed humorously. Sister Abigail was still standing behind us towards the front of the room. "I think people should always try to take the bad things that happen to them…and turn them into something good…don't you?" I said ever so softly. Just by looking at them I could clearly tell I had them enraptured by my charm and personality. I was feeling more excited and alive. "Yeah", John agreed. "Absolutely", added Kate. These two were probably only a little older than myself. Perhaps Syrah's age. So I knew what they were looking for in a "child". Kate smiled in absolute delight. She was on Cloud Nine. I knew that if Kate would latch onto me that so would John. I knew how these things worked. I kept my cool. I was like a worm being dangled in front of a fish.

"Painting is the only real thing that makes me happy here. It's been so long since I've been anywhere else. I can't imagine myself doing anything other than this." I said sweetly. They listened, completely enraptured by "Esther". No prospective "parents" had ever been so drawn in to me as these two now were. "How old are you, Esther?" Kate asked. "Nine, nine years old." I replied. It was hard to say that with a straight face. "I'm just so happy I have the two of you to talk to. At least for the moment. I don't fit in at all here. Not with the other girls. Like I said, I'm different." I emphasized. I made sure to look them in the eyes and put on a sweet smile. One uneasy moment or some kind of infraction on my part could possibly cause them to turn away from me in favor of one of the children. All I could do was pretend to be natural. "Well, there's got to be something you here." John asked. "Yes, the two of you!" I replied with a laugh and a smile. They melted like butter at my sense of humor. Who wouldn't? I knew my first impression was going fantastically well. I just hoped I had them in my pocket before the day was out. "I'm not really into playing games or with dolls or any of that. I just like to be me." Kate seemed more thrilled with me than John. He had his arm around her shoulders and he gave her a kiss. I knew I had to have that man. Kate smiled. She was totally lost in delight. They say that a true sociopath has an incredible ability to charm others. I guess I fit the bill. "That is all you should be/" said Kate. "Just being yourself/" I wished that were true. I had to be anything BUT myself in order to get anywhere in this life. "Kate is right, never try to be anything but who you are." John remarked. I kept that smile going. I decided that I had to be the one to steer the conversation. "I'm sorry if I seem a little nervous." I said. "Like I said, nobody has ever really talked to me before. All of the grown ups who come to visit just ignore me." I took a deep breath as if trying to relax. No worries, though. I was in total self-control.

Kate nodded in understanding and rubbed her hand up and down my back. I could tell she was compassionate but what did that matter to me? Her husband was who I had my sights set on. He seemed lost in though despite the fact that he was watching me. I could only guess that he was considering the prospect of welcoming me into his family. Finally, I asked a question that was also important to me on a deep level. "Do you have any children?" I asked. "We have a son named Daniel, he is thirteen. We also have a daughter named Max who is five." replied John. "They're very sweet." Kate added. "It sounds like both of you have such a wonderful family. I've been waiting for one for so long now." I figured I would play the pity card. Such a tried and true method. I was the whole package to them. I was beautiful, intelligent, charming, and sweet. "We do have a wonderful family, Esther." said John. "But we still need one more to feel complete." he added. "I certainly hope that you do find that person. I also hope that I find a family really soon. We both want the same things almost. Just somebody to spend time with and to love. That is why all of us are here. Is it not?" I said. The two of them shook the heads in unison. "And how long have you've been waiting for that special family?" asked Kate. "Many months now. Many months. This place feels worse and worse the longer I stay here. When I lay down at night, I pretend I'm in my own bedroom. Maybe across the hall from a mommy and a daddy." I felt like a million bucks. "You got them, Leena. Hook, line, and sinker!" I thought. I almost wanted to snicker to myself. Instead, I became slightly sad in appearance. I wanted them to feel sorry for poor Esther. The misfit child who dreams at night about being with a family. About being in her own bed and in her own room. John and Kate were enamored. I knew that they both wanted to tell me what I already knew. That they desperately wanted to adopt me. That I had won them over a hundred fold. I was a perfect little angel to them.

Kate and John looked at each other. They seemed to understand each other without a word being spoken. Kate turned to me and put my hand into hers. She leaned over to me as I turned to face her. "I have a funny feeling that you're going to find that perfect family today, Esther." she said gently. My heart lit up like a firework. "Is this really happening?" I thought to myself. I had made such a profound impact in such a short amount of time. Finally, another shot at love and a family of my own? Or am I dreaming? NO! I realized this was indeed a pleasant reality that was unwrapping like the most precious of gifts. And that gift was another shot at life! The sweeping glow of a smile that I gave to her was far from fake or artificial. If only she knew the intentions behind that innocent and joyous smile! The intentions of destroying her and taking John all for myself. Yes, my thoughts were already at that point this early on. "I hope the funny feeling you have is right" I told her. "If that doesn't come true then I'll feel so heartbroken. So few grown-ups come through. I hope you're right". Kate gently rubbed my tiny hand. John suddenly spoke up. "I think Kate and I are going to have a talk with Sister Abigail." he said. "About what?" I asked. I already knew but I figured I would pretend to be curious. "Well, we just want to learn so much more about the little girl we are speaking to right now." Kate replied. I pointed towards myself. "ME!" I asked in false astonishment. "That's right!" said John. I became glassy eyed. I let out a long and deep exhale at the prospects being laid out before me to ponder. "I guess we'll see you later." said Kate as she released my hand from hers. "It was really nice meeting you." said John. "I enjoyed meeting both of you, too. Enjoy your day." I said as sweet a sugar. The two of them shook my hand. They both looked over their shoulders at me as they left. I waved them goodbye before they disappeared downstairs. If they were indeed going to see Sister Abigail about me then it was clearly obvious that they were more than just a little curious about me. "BULLSEYE!" I shouted out loud. I covered my mouth and looked behind me. Nobody heard. Perhaps at the time it was too soon to get my hopes up so high but I already felt like I had just taken the first step. I knew John would take me away from the awful place. St. Mariana's already held too many bad memories. I knew I could do nothing until I actually left this place. First things had to come first.

"Did this all just happen?" I asked myself. It seemed quite a leap that just a few hours ago I was wallowing in the usual self-pity and despair that had come to define me. Now there was truly a new opportunity. Sure, it would be some time before I would be able to leave but all that mattered was that the gears were once again beginning to turn. I was going to keep to myself. I didn't need anybody feeling any jealousy or animosity towards me because I might be the next one out of here. I stood up and stretched. "Leena, Leena, Leena, I think you pulled this one off. Such a strong woman you are after all!" I commended myself. At the time there was no guarantee that John and Kate would be my next family. I was just trusting my gut instinct at that point. I knew how to gauge people. I knew how to play them for fools. Now all of my cards were on the table. Now I could retake control of the disaster piece that my life had become. Every foundation starts with a single brick. I knew that if this couple brought me home eventually that I could begin rebuilding once again. In a hurry I put my paint and brushes away. I wanted to get to see them one last time. Perhaps to make that one last impression that would seal the deal. I wanted to be the only girl that they cared to remember. I went downstairs with the intention of keeping the other girls at bay. John was going to be my man. My lover. My husband. One day. The children were having free run of the place. Just as I made it down to the first floor one of the girls tried to run past me but instead slammed right into me. I fell down, hitting my head on the wooden floor. She collapsed on top of me in a heap. I felt like decking the girl in the jaw before realizing that Sister Judith was pulling the girl to her feet. "Now what did we tell all of you about running?" she scolded the child. I got on my knees and picked myself up. My head ached and throbbed from the sudden accident. "I'm sorry, Sister Abigail, I didn't see her." the child whined. "That's because you were running!" she insisted. She let the child go and attended to me. "Are you alright, Esther?" she asked. "Everything's fine. That's why they call them accidents. No harm done." I explained. "If you run again, you're going to be punished." Sister Judith warned the girl with a stern finger.

The child nodded sheepishly. Judith gave me a final stare and went about her business of keeping this madhouse under control. The little girl was a ten year old named Haley. As I angrily approached her, I lifted my hand as if to smack her in the face but stopped myself. If I got in trouble over this I would blow my chance. I put my hand down and purposely bumped hard into her as I walked away. "Try using your two eyes next time you stupid little bitch" I whispered harshly. "I'm telling!" she said like a little brat. I turned around to face her, "If you tell, I'll put your ass on a platter. GOT IT! Now leave me alone!" I warned. Incidents like this were a big reason why I kept to myself. Why I never bothered with anyone. I decided to just leave it be and walk away. "Don't do anything rash now" I thought. "Too much, just far too much at stake. Another John and Kate aren't going to arrive anytime soon." I would let it pass. After all, that very handsome man to claim as my own was all the motivation I needed to hold myself back. I couldn't imagine John and Kate having to hear or worse yet, to see me breaking Haley's jaw over some bullshit. Children like to run and chase each other. What point was there in even thinking about it anymore? I reminded myself why I was down there in the first place. I went right over to the door of Sister Abigail's office. I had to focus my attention away from the party going on and try to focus on the conversation at hand. The thick wooden door made it nearly impossible to hear much of anything. I could definitely make out the voices of John and Kate. I could hear them but not their words. Sister Abigail could be heard as well. I knew that the conversation happening behind this door was going to decide my ultimate fate. It was filling me with nervous apprehension. I wouldn't know what to do should they lose interest. I had played my part well. Now all I could do was hope for the very best of outcomes.

I was able to focus my hearing more closely. I suddenly froze by what I heard. Ssister Abigail clearly mentioned that I was the only survivor of the fire that claimed the Sullivans. I felt like pissing myself. "She doesn't know what really happened." I whispered beneath my breath. I had to convince myself over and over that there was nothing to fear about what she just said. It was all one gigantic "accident" to them. After all, it would only bring more pity on my tragic plight. I decided to back away from the door. No use in getting caught eavesdropping. I just wanted to know what my possible fate would be. Today held the answers and I knew it. I began to pace back and forth. The sweat formed in the palms of my hands. It would seem ridiculous to some but to me it was the most serious matter in the world. I was starting to shake and tremble uncontrollably. I had no choice but to join the party in order to help calm my nerves. I wouldn't join them in any games of truth or dare or eat any sweets. I leaned against the wall and then slowly slid down until I was sitting against it. I crossed my arms in front of me with the realization that in a short time I would either be flying high with a new family or be plunged full force into disappointment. The uncertainty ate away at my core. Ii felt like I was awaiting my own execution. Too much time had passed for me to wait any longer. "Leena, you did everything right. Just leave it into Abigail's hands now. They're impressed. You KNOW they're impressed. You WILL be living under their roof." I reassured myself. I tried to remain confidant that their home was about to become my own in the near future. I was so sick of playing the waiting game. I caught the eye of Sister Margaret who approached me from the other side of the room. "Great, like I fucking feel like talking to her." I thought cynically. She stopped in front of me and I looked up.

"Is there something wrong?", I asked. "I was going to ask you the same thing, Esther. Why don't you stand up and join the party?" she asked. I naturally assumed she didn't know that I had a couple who would potentially pull me out of this shit hole trading words with Sister Abigail at that very moment. I told her the obvious. "This man and this woman…John and Kate". I pointed behind me. "They're talking with Sister Abigail about me. I think they like me. I'm just really nervous. So much to think about. A new mommy and daddy!" I explained. She immediately became understanding. She knelt besides me. I really didn't want to talk to her but what choice did I have? "You should be excited then. After all, it is hard to place children from other countries such as yourself." she assured me. "I know, but you need to understand, Sister Margaret. I'm worried they might say no to me and just leave or get another girl." I kept my explanations short and simple. Just as a child would do. "I understand how that must feel for you. Your so young and precious. It's a lot to handle." I don't know why but I suddenly shot up from off the floor and shouted. "OH WOW! DON'T YOU THINK!" I screamed. I clenched my fists together in anger. All heads turned towards me. Sister Margaret was obviously stunned. I never had an outburst against one of the Sisters before. "Young lady, you better watch your tone with me!" I suddenly came to the realization of what had happened. I covered my mouth in shock. "Sister Margaret, I'm so sorry." I pleaded. The girls quickly lost interest and went back to their merriments. "Don't cross the line again. You know how we feel about acting out." I nodded. Of course, I could care less what her words meant. "It's just stressful", I explained. I walked away from her and to my surprise she didn't try to stop me. I just wanted to be alone. Alone until I had the one singular answer that I so desperately needed. I didn't wake up today expecting to receive such an opportunity. I was still shaking, still sweating. Why did the seconds have to feel like an eternity?

Although I didn't ask permission first, I went out the front door and stood on the porch. I needed the fresh air. The atmosphere seemed too oppressive on the inside. I watched my breath as it condensed in the air. It was freezing without a coat. There were other visitors as well as children who were with me on the porch. I didn't pretend to blend in or pretend to want attention. The other visitors were of no importance to me right now. They could find another girl to welcome into their home. I glanced over at the idiotic snowman that the girls had built in the yard. I wanted to just tear it down out of utter frustration. I wanted to lash out. Sure, I had hope but I felt I no longer had the capacity within me to handle anymore stress. "What the fuck is taking them?" I muttered. I looked up at the roof of the porch. "Too damn cold." I said before deciding to return indoors. I kept my head down as I entered. Not watching where I was going, I bumped into someone. "Oh, careful there, Esther." It was John's voice! I bowed my knees politely. "My sincerest apologies" I said. "You know, Esther. I think Sister Abigail has something very important she wants to talk to you about." I didn't have to think about what his words meant. I knew him and his wife wanted to take me in. "Oh, and what would that be?" I asked innocently. I put my finger to my lips in curious wonderment. "We could tell you, Esther but then where would be the surprise?" explained Kate. I was hating this woman already. Her goofy smile. Just everything about her made me despise her. I was already so jealous that she was able to get such a man. I wanted to wear her wedding ring. I wanted to share her half of the bed with John. I had to remind myself that I could think about these things later. I just had to play innocent. "I always like surprises" I told her/ My Estonian accent must have made them really fall for me. They seemed overjoyed when I spoke. "John crouched down so that he made eye contact with me. "I can tell you this much, Esther. We'll be back to see you again very shortly. Okay?" I was enthralled. Without any words, I threw my arms around him and placed my head on his shoulder. He embraced me and patted my back. I wanted to cry. He released me and Kate did the same. My hug was more limp with her. I had no attachment nor wanted any kind of attachment with her. I had to fake it though. Her hair smelled of lavender. It disgusted me. Already I wanted to formulate plots and plans to dispose of her.

"Things will change very soon for you." she promised. "That is all I hope for" I replied. Sister Abigail was besides them the whole time. "How does next Saturday sound? We can come and see you again." said John. I smiled and nodded furiously. "Does that sound good?" asked Kate. "Oh, yes, very much so." I wanted to ask when I could come home with them. Obviously, I couldn't ask such a question so directly without seeming rude. I decided I would let Sister Abigail explain the situation to me. "In the meantime, it was very nice meeting you, Esther." said John. He shook my hand one final time. "Yes, really, it has been such a pleasure." chimed Kate as I shook her hand. "It was all mine" I said. "Remember to keep smiling, Leena." I thought. I wanted to frown at her. With John the smile was anything but genuine. I really took more effort than expected to crack a smile for Kate. I knew she would be a living, breathing obstacle to my ultimate goals. "We would like to thank you too, Sister Abigail. You and your staff have been such a help." John told her. Abigail shook their hands. "Yes, this has been a wonderful experience." added Kate. "The two of you are welcome to come by next Saturday to meet with Esther again. Drive safely and I hope the both of you have a blessed day." The nun looked over at me. The look on her face more than indicated that she had great news in store for me. But of course I already knew what she would say to me. The two of us said our goodbyes. John and Kate seemed so much happier when they left than when they first met me. Their body language spoke volumes as they disappeared out the front door, closing it tightly behind them.

I looked up at Abigail. "Esther, how about you come to my office so we can have a talk." I could barely wait any longer. I had to hear confirmation of what I was expecting. I didn't acknowledge the nun. I walked over to her office and opened the door. I held it open for her as she passed by, thanking me for having done so. "Close the door, Esther." The creaky door clicked shut. I turned and took my seat in front of her. She seemed ecstatic for me. "I think it is best that you sit down. You would probably fall over with what I'm about to tell you." she joked. My teeth felt like chattering. I noticed that my case file was sitting in front of her. I could see my photo, upside down from my perspective. "Esther, the Colemans took an absolutely wonderful liking to you." I finally knew their last name. "What a beautiful last name for a wife" I thought. I almost dazed off thinking about what kind of dress I would wear when marrying John. I quickly had to bring myself back to reality. "Is everything okay, Esther?" I didn't want to drift away at a time like this. "Yes, Sister Abigail. I'm REALLY happy that they liked me so much!" She laughed. "Well, they more than just liked you, dear. What if I told you that they told me just a little while ago that they have found the little girl that they want so desperately to adopt?" I pointed at myself, my hopes soaring beyond the clouds. She nodded. My eyes rolled back. My heart was right. It did not mislead me into some false sense of hope and security. "WHEN? WHEN DO I GO HOME?" I shouted in excitement. This wasn't some show I was putting on. There was no container large enough to contain what I was feeling at that very moment. She couldn't get any words in. "ADOPTED! I HAVE A HOME NOW?" I stood up and slammed my hands onto her desk. I began to cry. I was overjoyed. Fate had given me another chance. Maybe there was a reason after all for all of the suffering I had undergone. Maybe the Colemans were finally the one. "Congratulations, Esther. You deserve it so very much. I know how patient you have been. No more of that. It will take several weeks but they already have begun the paperwork with me." I haven't heard something so wonderful for so long. I sat back down. "Try to stay calm. I know it's a lot for you to hear all at once. How did you like the Colemans?" she asked. "Wonderful! I LOVE THEM! A mommy and DADDY!" I exclaimed. "Yes, not to mention a little sister and an older brother as well". I suddenly remembered that they told me they had a teenage son. I knew he would be yet another obstacle in my path. It was the little five year old named Max who I was delighted about along with John. A man, a home, and a child. I could have all if I played it right this time. "Yes, a whole family. Just for you, Esther." My head was spinning. "Why do I have to wait a few weeks. I would go home with them today if I could!" Abigail was understanding but to the point. "Well, it's because they need to do paperwork and background checks and so on. It's all very complicated. After all, they're brining home a new daughter." I sighed. Of course, I obviously knew all of this. Paperwork takes weeks. Checks must be completed and done again.

"How are you feeling right now, Esther?" I slumped back in my chair with my hand on my forehead. "Do you want a glass of water?" she asked. "I feel fantastic. No, I'm fine." She closed my case file and returned it to a filing cabinet. I was on top of the world. Simple as that. "You don't quite know how lucky you are, Esther. It is very hard to find homes for children from other countries but they absolutely loved every little bit of you." I smiled. "They think you're quite charming" she went on. "I woke up this morning and thought that it would be the same as usual." I told her truthfully. "Well, sometimes in life things change for us so quickly and unexpectedly that we can't believe what is happening." A trillion things were now going through my head. Sweet fantasies and real concerns. I had to tell Syrah what just happened. That could wait until tomorrow. I'm sure my sister wouldn't be thrilled with the news but she had the right to know. I could finally leave the drama of St. Mariana's behind me forever. A totally clean slate yet again. The last two families ended in nothing but disaster. But as the saying goes, the third time is the charm. Sister Abigail was talking, I could hear her talking, but I couldn't help but once again become lost in my mind. "Esther? Esther? Are you with me?" I once again shook myself back to life. "I'm sorry. Just a lot in my head." I explained. "Esther, you need to get yourself ready for leaving St. Mariana's. What I mean is you need to prepare yourself for living with a new family. You know that it is going to be very, very different than living here." That was true but only in the best ways possible. "Oh, I understand everything. At least I'll have some time for that." I replied. "I can't believe you pulled this off for me!" I told her. "I didn't do anything. I knew the minute they sat down that they loved everything about you. They were talking about your charm and your intelligence and your personality. You happen to be a very lucky little girl, do you know that?" I could care less about the fate of any of the little piss heads living under the roof of St. Mariana's. My meal ticket had finally arrived. Just a few more weeks and I could leave this place in the dust.

I tilted my head back and just stared absently at the ceiling. "It's probably going to take a few days for everything to set in with you, Esther. Oh, and before I forget, here." Sister Abigail extended her hand. In it was a photograph of John and Kate as well as their two children. A simple family photo. "They wanted me to give this to you as a surprise. As a way of saying that they found the girl that they wanted to welcome into their lives." I gently took the photo into my hand. "Oh! Thank you!" Kate and Daniel were on the left side of the picture and John and Max were on the right. I couldn't believe that I had made such a strong impression on the Colemans. So strong that they already wanted me. They already considered me to be one of their own. "Now Esther, are there any questions? Any concerns? Just anything?" I was adamant as I stared at the photo. "Oh, no! But I have a lot of questions for mommy and daddy, though." She walked behind me. "I'll be right back in a moment, Esther." She closed the door behind her as she left. With nobody around, I smiled wickedly at the photo. I tore it in two, right down the middle. I took the side of the photo with Kate and Daniel and tore it repeatedly into tiny bits and stuffed it into the bottom of the garbage can sitting next to the desk. The other half, the one featuring John and Max, I held to my heart. Their daughter was so beautiful. I wanted to learn so much more about John and Max. The only things I wanted to know about Kate and Daniel were their weaknesses. Their soft points. How I could manipulate and ruin them. "I'm in love already" I said gently as I kissed the photo. I carefully placed it into my pocket and pondered everything that had just happened. This was not some sweet dream only to be stolen away by the crack of the morning dawn. This was reality! THIS was all REAL! My heart was engulfed in growing contentment. Peace and serenity, something usually so very foreign and alien to me, was filling me to the brim. I could not wait to see John once more. Perhaps he would bring little Max along. Perhaps Kate and Daniel would have to stay home for whatever reason. Now I had something wonderful to dream about tonight. Something to finally hold onto…and love…

**In Chapter 31, Esther has a second visit with the Colemans where she has the opportunity to once again impress the Colemans with her talents and charms. But certain girls from her past grow jealous of the attention she is receiving and are determined to make her pay…Thank you for reading!**


	31. A Time For Bonding, Time For Uncertainty

_**In Chapter 30, we finally entered the movie as Esther meets John and Kate Coleman. A second visit provides more opportunity for Esther to bond with the Colemans but another girl from her past has become jealous and Esther must put her in her place for one final time…**_

"So as you can see, if you mix these two colors together you get yellow." I explained as I dabbed my paint brush. John and Kate sat enraptured. One of them on either side of me. I felt cramped as if my personal space were being invaded which made it highly uncomfortable for me. I was working on a painting of the exterior of St. Mariana's. It didn't seem to matter one bit to either one of them what I happened to be painting. My talent was charming enough. "I have to say, Esther. Our children can't paint half as well as you do." said John. I smiled briskly. "I hope I can get to teach them. Especially your daughter." I replied. "You mean your sister." John answered back. It was already known now that they planned on adopting me. I had been told. I had been flying high ever since. "Yes, my little sister" I said sweetly. "She loves the photos we took of you" Kate explained. I found this woman so obnoxious. She loves me, I know. I'm sure she laid in bed thinking about me. That Max would finally have an "older sister" to help in caring for her. No, this bitch needed to realize that Max would have a new MOMMY! Well, of course she could never realize that. Not until it was too late for her to do anything about it. My thoughts were drifting into the negative. I quickly had to muster the self-discipline to act as if I gave a damn as to what this woman had to say to me. I seriously wanted to deck her.

"Yes, Max can't wait to finally meet you. She always has asked if she would ever get a sister." said John/ They clearly wanted to stroke my ego and I had to do the same to them likewise. "I'll be the best sister she could ever want. I'm just as anxious to meet her." I told John. I always made sure to make eye contact when talking with either one of the Colemans. "Well, you must be a wonderful sister to Syrah." said Kate. They were now both well aware of the existence of my sister. Like I had with Tiffany, I lied to them, saying she was in her twenties (when in fact she was in her thirties). "Oh, yes! It's a shame we're so far apart. We talk, though and that is what matters. That we remain close. I know how to be a great sister to Max. Syrah is a great sister to me. I'll be the same great sister to Max like I am with Syrah" I wanted to keep the conversation going in a positive direction. I was nervous about talking to Syrah about them. I felt like I was giving them a real piece of Leena Klammer. Syrah was the only person who knew who I really was at St. Mariana's. Yes, she would never say anything but who wouldn't feel uneasy? "I think you're brother is looking forward to meeting you, too." Kate brought up. This made me clench my teeth almost. "Daniel" or "Danny", as the Colemans referred to him, I was already seeing as an obstacle. I had to force a smile at the mention of his name. "I hope he accepts me." I said in apprehension. "I don't think there will be any problems" John said. I knew there would be problems and that he would likely be one of them.

"I think he'll appreciate you for the person that you are. So talented and brilliant. Why would anyone not like you? Trust John and I. Our children are more than looking forward to having a new sister" said Kate as she put her hand on my shoulder. I turned my head and looked up at her as I steadied my brush on the canvas. "I feel so welcomed already and I haven't even left yet!" I quipped. I suddenly took on a solemn in forlorn look. I let my voice soften as I asked, "how much longer must I wait?" I turned my head slowly to John. I was just milking them for all they were worth. Of course John and his wife were more than sympathetic to such a simple yet important question. "Just be patient, Esther. Not too much longer now" John reassured me. Like clockwork I took on my sunny disposition. I smiled briskly. "You're right, daddy. Just being patient. I'm good enough at being patient. I've been for so very long now, after all." I knew in my heart that was all that mattered. Patience. A virtue I had to struggle with seemingly without end. I let my hand continue on with painting as they looked on. All they could see was a talented yet lonely child. All I could see was a wonderful man and an obstacle of a wife to overcome. I wanted to spit in her face. I wanted her to taste it. Kate! I despised even the mere thought of her name. It was nearly impossible to call her "Mommy". Before our conversation could continue, Sister Abigail interrupted. "Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Coleman, I just received a fax I requested from the Department of Child Services and I just need to go over it with you. It should only take maybe fifteen or twenty minutes." John and Kate were at immediate attention. "Oh, that was unexpected. Okay, well then, just wait on us Esther while we talk with Sister Abigail" Kate explained. I nodded.

I motioned for John to bend over to me with my finger. I gave him a kiss and a hug. "I love you daddy. I already love you. I'll be here still." I said sweetly. "Don't worry honey, we'll be back shortly." He rubbed my back. It was just a little moment of bliss for me. The two retreated towards Sister Abigail. Kate smiled at me as she slowly walked towards the door. A forced smile and a forced wave. That was all I could muster for the bitch. "She's going to be a handful." I thought. "How I'm going to get rid of her I haven't the slightest clue yet." I lamented. I sighed as I looked at my painting easel. I frankly was too tired to do much more today. I exhaled and looked up at the ceiling and put my hands behind my head. I leaned back slightly in my chair. I was out of here soon. No, not today. Not this very instant. But soon. I leaned forward again and reached for the old coffee can that held my paintbrushes. Just before I touched the brush that I wanted I seen a hand pull the can away from me. I spun around in my chair at the rude intrusion. I was surprised by who I saw next. "Well…finally looks like the hen is leaving the nest" mocked Allison. I was rather surprised that she would suddenly come up on me in this manner. After all, I was confidant I had taught her and her friends a much needed lesson in terror. She looked down on the can of brushes. "You're quite the painter, Esther." I quickly became angry and stood up. I attempted to lurch forward to retrieve my brushes. "Oops!" she squeaked as she tossed the entire can of brushes over her shoulder. The can and the brushes clattered loudly on the wooden floor. I clenched my fists at my side and clenched my teeth. "You don't learn. Do you Allison?" I hissed. "Learn what?" she asked sarcastically. "You know what I did to you and your friends and don't think I can't do worse." I warned. "That's funny you would say such a thing. I kind of guessed already that you were the one who got all of us sick. The one who hurt Tiffany. That's nothing new." she teased.

For a girl her age, a girl who was only still a child, she knew how to get under a person's skin. I shook my head. "Then prove it!" I replied. "Because I did NOTHING!" She smirked. "I should wipe that right off you're pretty little face." I threatened. "You're mad? I should be the one who's mad. After all, it looks like you have a mommy and daddy now. Lucky Esther." I was now not only angry but highly perplexed. She had shown so much fear before. Why was she becoming so bold against me all of the sudden. "Looks like you lost your fear of me Allison. Guess your finally growing into your own. But I'm warning you now. You can FUCK OFF and I can let this pass, or…" She laughed. "Or else what?" If you do something to me and the Colemans find out then you're STUCK HERE!" she taunted. I knew this was true. I couldn't just explode like I had before. Not with John and Max to look forward to. She knew she had me in a vice. "What the hell do you want? What do you WANT?" I asked. She turned her back to me and crossed her arms as if ignoring me. I reached for her shoulder and tried to turn her around. "I'm talking to you!" I yelled. She swung around angrily and pushed me away with enough force that I nearly fell over. I caught myself on the chair that I had been sitting in earlier. "You thought you were so tough before, Esther. But you're not. You're leaving soon and I just wanted to let you know how much I hate you. I'm not scared of you. You think I am but I'm not." she screeched. I wanted to turn the tables on her. "Sounds like you're just jealous. I'll have my own room soon. A daddy. A sister. And you'll have the same crappy food every day. The same crowded day room. The same boring nuns. The same classes. Please, Allison. Do yourself a big girl favor and learn how to fuck off!" I told her. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't want to bring attention to this little situation here.

Now I had gotten underneath her skin. "You're jealous and know I won't do anything to you. That's because I'm not going to blow it with John and his wife. Yes, that is their name in case you're curious. Too bad your last name won't be "Coleman" like mine will. So you think you can come up to me when I'm getting ready to leave just to give me your two cents." The little girl was perplexed by my more developed adult language. "You can't stand the fact that you're going to rot here forever. You don't think it's fair. What happened to you Allison? You cowered from me for so long. Looks like the dog has a little bit of bite left. But if you bite me Allison, I'll still bite back." We were about the same height and I stood nose to nose with her. I wasn't about to be intimidated by a child. I stared into her eyes and I could still see that there was fear in them. That intrinsic and primeval emotion of which we all possess. In rapid retaliation, I pushed her backwards and she tripped over the can that had held my brushes. I stood over her and placed my foot on top of her chest. Not all that different than what I had done to her friend Ashley when she attacked Tiffany. "Come now, Allison. Let us end things on a good note now, shall we?" I said with a great deal of sarcasm. She was once again asking for trouble. I knelt down slowly so that I was over her. "Life is nothing but one lesson after another, Allison. And you just haven't seemed to learn your lesson from me, is that right?" She didn't answer. I quickly wrapped my hand around her throat. "IS THAT RIGHT!" I hissed ominously. The girl who was so bold just a few minutes ago was now once again frightened. "Ye…yes…I mean…no" she stammered. She couldn't even seem to find the right answer to my question. I squinted violently at her.

She still seemed defiant. "You shouldn't have a mommy and daddy" she said as she cringed, her eyes shut in fear. "That's not for you to decide. If you think I threw Tiffany out of the window, then what would stop me from doing the same to you?" She kept her head turned away from me. It was almost like she was trying to play dead. I leaned over her so that I could whisper into her ear. "Yes, you may avoid looking at me. But you can't avoid listening to my words. So hear me and hear me well. I'm going home with the Colemans whether you like it or not, jealous or not, angry or not. Is that understood?" She nodded forcefully, as if she had to force herself to muster the energy to do so. Once again I had turned the situation in my favor. "You don't know what an angry and disturbed person I can be. What I am. Who I am. What I am TRULY capable of." She just lay there like a bug. I periodically kept my eyes peeled towards the doorway. I didn't want John and Kate to walk into this escapade. I stood up. "Stand up" I ordered. Like an obedient dog she slowly yet fearfully made her way to her feet. "Now that's a good girl. Now how about being a smart girl and getting the fuck out of my sight!" She gulped. She was frozen in place like a board. "I can let this situation go. I know that once I leave I'll never have to set eyes on your face again. It's your last warning. LEAVE!" She almost jumped before slowly backing up and seeing her way out. They say that curiosity killed the cat. In this case jealousy could be the culprit. What possessed her to become so bold in the first place I found bewildering. Perhaps it's just that children are stupid. Or too one-sided to weigh the consequences of their actions. Okay, well I could be accused of that but it is not me we are talking about right now, is it? I wondered if she did it just to whine to Sister Abigail about. My charm always covered my ass though so I knew there would be no problems.

I was angry. My fists remained clenched. My forehead tightened as I gritted my teeth. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. She had succeeded at stressing me out. Something that I would have to release before the Colemans came back. "How dare she think she could do that to me and get away with it? Making a cheap shot at me? Oh, NO! Not to this woman!" I said aloud. I had gotten sick of putting these girls in their place months ago. It was all the more reason to kiss this place goodbye. At least I knew Max would be something else entirely for me. She was the only child I looked forward to having to deal with anymore. Things would be so different once I left St. Mariana's. I suddenly heard John's voice. "Well, that was easy enough." he said. The voices of him and his wife got closer as they approached. I quickly made sure my hair was in place and that the malice that had been etched onto my face was replaced with my sweet innocent sunshine. "Oh, that was quick." I said. I loosened my fists and approached them respectfully. I always made sure to look them in the eyes as I approached. "Mommy, daddy, what was that all about? What did Sister Abigail say?" I asked. Truthfully saying, I wanted to know the status the situation. Kate began laughing under her breath as she looked over at John. She put her fist to her mouth as her shoulders heaved. She seemed to be laughing in delight. "What is so funny, mommy?" I asked. I then looked back to John. He held up two fingers in emphasis. "Two weeks Esther. Two weeks and you can come home with us!" he informed me. Now my personality changed completely. What jus happened with Allison had now completely melted away for me. "Is this real?" I whispered to him. Kate nodded. She seemed so endlessly excited over the prospect of finally having another daughter to add to the family. John was more subdued but obviously happy about the news. I ran to them and they embraced me. I jumped up and down in joy. "This is the happiest day of my life!" I exclaimed. They were genuinely touched by the ecstasy of the moment. They had a new daughter and I had another chance at life. What more was there to say?

I wasn't about to let the jealous whines and tantrums of a child interfere with the moment. They embraced me in the knowledge that I was already their own. I knew there wouldn't be another repeat of the Sullivans or with Jennifer. "It'll be in your favor this time, Leena. It's all yours for the taking." I thought. What a comforting thought. So full of promise and hope. Everything was moving so quickly for me. "That soon!" I shouted. I legitimately wanted to cry. I felt overwhelmed. "We already have your room ready to go. How does that sound?" said an ecstatic Kate. "Marvelous, simply wonderful!" My ship had come into port and never a second to soon. "What does it look like?" I asked. "You'll just have to wait and see" said John. "This is happening quicker than I ever thought" I told them. "Your brother and sister can't wait for you to finally come home. Max asks an awful lot about you. She has wanted a sister for so long now." Kate explained. I truly was acting like a child at this moment. Not in the sense that I was pretending to be one, but I let the excitement of the moment get to me. I was giddy. I was hopeful. I felt alive for the first time in so long. John definitely seemed to sense the feelings that were inside of me. "A lot to take in, huh Esther?" he asked. "A mommy and daddy. A mommy and daddy!" I repeated in delight. "And a brother and sister. A new home. Everything." added Kate. I decided I could worry about my plans for Kate and Daniel later. I had to simply let myself relish in the moment. No longer would I be cast adrift in a sea of endless uncertainty. "'I feel very lucky. I know a lot of kids like me don't get another chance." I said in between my ecstatic shouts of joy. I had charmed them with all that I had and it worked. I began to cry. I let myself be a human being for once. "Mommy…daddy…I don't know what to say…I want to thank you" I at least had to give some credit to Kate. Yes, I already considered her a foe but without her influence I wouldn't be going home with them to begin with.

"All you have to do is just hang in there for a little bit longer. That's all, Esther. And you can say goodbye to St. Mariana's. You'll have a new life. We know how much you've been through. It's sad, it really is. We both know you need a family probably more than any other girl here." Kate went on to say. "It's true" John elaborated. "You deserve it. We think you're a great kid." I kept the act up with ease. Pretending to be "Esther" was easy right now. I could almost forget who I really was and absorb Esther as really being "me". This was far from an awkward moment. Every emotion was intense and genuine. I felt John loved me. I focused on him more than his wife. I wanted to feel HIS love, HIS warmth, HIS nurturing. Kate wiped a tear from her eye. She was becoming overwhelmed herself by the experience. My joy was clearly shared by them. If only they walked in a few minutes sooner to see me stepping angrily on top of Allison, threatening her with a menacing malice that chilled her to her very core. The fact that I just terrified this little girl to her very essence. What would John and Kate had said or done? I almost shuddered at the thought but was quick to shrug it off. Now was not a time for "what if's". John seemed content with his wife's happiness as if he were proud for having made the "right" decision is choosing me over any of the others. As if I were some kind of accomplishment in which to take pride in. I had to ask another question that came into my mind. "What about school?" I asked. "We'll set you up soon, dear. It's nothing to worry about." said John. I knew school would be difficult. I was always the outsider. But for the time being I knew I had found a home and just took the simple solice in that fact. "I'm just glad it's all over here." I added. "But you'll miss your friends here" Kate replied. "Friends? I have none of those. That's why I can't wait to start over" That was the simple truth. My sister was my only friend and she was thousands of miles away. The Colemans knew about her now. She was listed in my records but as far as the state was concerned she couldn't care for me. My records were falsified by myself to reflect this "fact". They asked about her before and I had to make many fabrications. I wish she were here to share in this moment although I knew she would be incredibly disapproving of everything that was happening right now.

It was then that John brought her up. "I'm sure your sister must be so happy for you back home" he said confidently. "Maybe she can visit us someday." I responded happily. I REALLY wanted that to happen! "Well, I think that would be more than possible, Esther." Kate assured me. "You know, she really is my only friend. The only person who has ever really been there for me. But now your family has come along." I told them. Stroking their egos was very important to me. I knew this. That is one of the reasons why I had so easily won them over. "I can't get over how well-spoken you are, Esther." Kate told me. "It's not everyday that you can find even adults who are like you." she went on. I knew she had told me this before. "I thank you kindly" I told her sweetly. I wanted to keep this going but Sister Judith was quick to appear. "Mr. and Mrs. Coleman, I regret to inform you that visiting hours are about to end. You could come back tomorrow in afternoon." Disappointing? Yes. But the rules were the rules. Sister Abigail, although head of the home, did not own the building and had to abide by the rules that were laid out. "Sister Abigail would let the three of you stay together but she can't" she added in a melancholic tone. "How the time flies" John told her. "We were just having too much fun with Esther" Kate teased. There was a hint of disappointment that was apparent in both of their voices. They didn't want their little fairytale day to end so soon. Sister Judith smiled. "I guess tomorrow's another day" I resigned myself. After all, what was there to worry about at this point? I could rest all the more easy tonight with the knowledge that it was now just days until I "went home".

"Well then, Esther. I guess tomorrow is another day." said Kate. She always had a perpetual smile when speaking to me. She was so charmed. John was definitely the more reserved of the two. "Tell you what kiddo, do you like cake?" John asked. I nodded and smiled. He knelt down. "What if mommy and I brought some tomorrow for you? Is chocolate okay?" I nodded. "Oh yes daddy, most certainly." He laughed under his breath. "Then chocolate it is. Anything to make my little girl happy." I was like butter at that moment. I wanted to treat him the same kind and loving way that he was showing me. To cook him dinner, to wash his clothes, to make love to him, "All one day, Leena." I reminded myself. We hugged. "Just come back soon mommy and daddy." I pleaded. Kate put her hand underneath my chin. "Tomorrow, honey. Tomorrow. It will come soon enough." said Kate. I didn't want to hear anymore feedback from this bitch. I only wanted to hear John's soft voice speaking to me. I just wanted to drown the rest of the world out when he spoke. But it was time for them to depart for the day and we were forced to say our goodbyes far too premature for me. "Mommy and daddy, drive safely and have a nice evening." I told them politely. "You have a nice night, Esther" said Kate. "Remember…tomorrow" she added. "Chocolate cake, that is" said John. I gave them one last embrace. I held John more tightly than I did Kate. It was jus a loose grip on her. Maybe on some subconscious level that this was the first sign that I had given her that I didn't exactly appreciate being in her company. They released me. Sister Judith looked almost annoyed as if she simply wanted to get them out of the building. Stupid bitch! "Take care, Esther." said John as he gave me a kiss on the forehead. Kate waved goodbye as they made their exit. They looked tired and exhausted. Was the adoption process really taking that kind of a toll on them? I snickered at the thought. "You have no idea what you're in for Kate." I said softly. I was going to fight tooth and nail to make her husband and daughter my own. I already hated her son. I wanted both of them out of the picture. I already felt the sinister urge to begin plotting.

"I wonder how thick Danny's neck is?" I thought. "Maybe I'm not strong enough to strangle him. A knife across the throat always does the trick" I thought wickedly. Such thoughts had become more commonplace after meeting Kate and seeing what Daniel looks like. It was like a symphony in my head. I stood there blankly. I became engrossed in my own vile imaginings. "Esther, excuse me, Esther?" I heard but did not acknowledge the voice of Sister Judith. I felt her hand shaking my shoulder. "Esther, zoning out on me?" she asked. "Are you okay?" I came back to reality. "Oh, everything's fine. Just a lot on my mind. Thinking a lot." I assured her. "That's a bad habit to zone off like that." she said. Like I gave a shit. "My apologies, but I'm going to a new place soon. I can't help it. I still have a lot of questions for my mommy and daddy" I told her. The young nun was understanding and at least seemed happy for me. "All I can say is that I wish you luck, Esther. So many of the other girls here would kill for the opportunity you are getting" I smiled mischievously at what she just said. "Oh, believe me, Sister Judith, I would kill to be with a family like them too." I cleverly responded. She failed to see the seriousness of my statement as we shared a collective laugh. The children in the home obviously had a lot to now be jealous of and at best they would be envious of my newfound position. I knew now why Allison decided to take one last shot at me. It was too bad she failed to recognize that I was still a time bomb. A bomb that could be all too easy to set off. I knew now she would retreat for good. My days would be all the more easier to bear. No burden would be too great for me to shoulder in order to become a Coleman. We were quietly joined by Sister Abigail. "So what do you think now, Esther? Couldn't ask for anything better?" she asked. I shook my head. "No, that is why this will be the longest two weeks ever. I hope I have enough suitcases to pack." Judith and Abigail made eye contact and as if they understood each other, Sister Judith exited the picture. There was always something or someone for her to attend to, after all.

"I hope the other girls don't hate me for leaving so soon." I pretended to be distressed and reflected this in my voice. "Nobody hates you, Esther. It will all be easy for the rest of your time here. Believe me, your mommy and daddy want to take you home as badly as you want to go with them. But it takes time. You know to talk to me if there's any problems with any of the girls." I nodded but looked in the other direction. I turned to face her. "Two weeks, not long. No! I'll be fine, Sister Abigail" I assured her. "Well, you'll be keeping in touch everyday with mommy and daddy. You're so lucky to have found such a wonderful family." The stupid grin on her face almost seemed mocking in it's demeanor. I was unresponsive. For some reason a sense of forlorn loss had swept over me. I seemed to be reflecting on that I have lost up till this point. It put me in a trance. It made my brain numb. My real family in Estonia, the Sullivans, just everything. Sister Abigail clearly sensed that I was in some secret place within my own mind and finished her dialogue. "If you need anything, Esther, and I mean anything. You know who to talk to." I nodded like an idiot. "Your office. But I'm quite fine for now" I muttered. "Well, then…guess I'll see you later" She left me to my own devices. It seemed I could never have a moment of happy thoughts without some negative ones following in quick procession. "No Leena, don't think about this right now! Don't drift into these kind of thoughts. Not after spending time with John!" Still, I could not resist the powerful compulsion to do otherwise. I entertained that horrible notion, that in some terrible manner that my stay with the Colemans would be just as disastrous as before. Another fire? More murder? Another pocket full of shattered dreams? "Just shut up, Leena." I pulled at my hair! "SHUT UP!" I said harshly. It is nothing short of a total hell to have so little control over my own thoughts. I could already see John lying in a pool of his own blood.

"Just stupid thoughts. You're experienced, Leena. There is no such thing as seeing into the future. It's nothing to worry about now. It will never happen." I tried to convince myself. But when I said this the name "Sullivan" only followed. It made me shake. Was the past any indication of my future? "Come on, Leena. There won't be another "James" incident. That was purely very bad luck" I said aloud. I shook my head in frustration and began pacing back and forth ever so slowly, merely shuffling my feet pathetically as I went along. The past was the past. Nothing could change it for neither better nor worse. "Take charge, Leena. Do these ribbons hide my scars for no good reason? Why are you in America, my dear? To merely worry from day in to day out?" I reasoned. "What good purpose is there in that?" I thought. These sounded like things Syrah would say to me. I lacked the self-confidence and the self-assurance that I desperately needed. All I could remember were the screams. Feeling the blazing heat from the flames. Would this fate find me yet again? Maybe I wouldn't sleep so well after all tonight. I was going into this whole situation with my eyes closed it seemed. Still, the alternative was a bleak and miserable existence of loneliness and despair. Take your pick, Leena Klammer. I'll pick being a Coleman…can I make this work? "Be prepared…for soon you're going home…" I told myself

_**In Chapter 32, Esther comes home with the Colemans and her stay at St. Mariana's comes to an end. She quickly acquaints herself with Daniel and her new "little sister", Max…And remember, ****PLEASE**** review. Reviews = Motivation To Write XD Whether they be positive or negative, I enjoy feedback. I'm working two jobs right now but I'm going to right another chapter this month (July of 2011) Sorry for the wait. I know a lot of you guys have added me as a Favorite Author and I am forever grateful. I know it has been a long time coming to get to the movie but thanks for hanging in there with me…**_

_**Just another FYI, if you reviewed my work in the past and noticed that your review has been deleted please note that this was the result of having to delete and re-upload each chapter which I did awhile back. It might not be important, but it's just something I figured I would bring to everyone's attention.**_


	32. A Little Slice of Heaven

**In Chapter 31, Esther finally was able to take comfort in the fact that she had found a new home to start again. She was forced one more time to confront Allison who had become jealous of Esther's new family. In this chapter, she starts life anew once again within the Coleman household…**

**Author's Note - I apologize for the nearly two month lapse since the last chapter. I went in for gallbladder surgery (and I'm only 26 mind you!) to have it removed due to gallstones. I then suffered an abdominal infection but I have since bounced back. Not easy either considering I'm starting my final year of college. A rough start, I know, but I thank all of you for hanging in there with me still!**

**Also…at the request of some of my reader's, I have shortened the paragraphs to make the chapters a little easier to read and follow…**

Today was sincerely the happiest I had felt in so many months. It was not often that I smiled out of joy. The Colemans were downstairs and waiting as I packed my suitcases. The other girls were well aware of my departure but didn't seem to make any sort of big deal out of it. After all, I was the outcast at St. Mariana's. I was nothing to be missed. Not that the fact bothered me in the least bit. Hopefully I would pick up a newspaper only to find this shit hole had burned to the ground. I thought today would be more tense and nervous but I found a profound sense of peace had filled my soul.

No longer would I continue to rot away here. I had had several more meetings with the Colemans over the last few days. I grew closer to John with each much anticipated visit. Yes, there was still much we had to learn about each other but I knew that today I could finally start the long process of rebuilding my shattered life. It was either that or continue to emotionally decay within these gloomy walls. I was glad it would not be the latter.

I finished packing my suitcases and had finally gotten my affairs in order. "Remember the old saying Leena, the third times the charm. Let's not screw this one up, shall we now? You'll have John for yourself if you take your time. Kate is the enemy! Engage the enemy in due time. Nothing will stop you this time!" I spoke out loud to myself in my native Estonian. I thought about the idea if only a man who was single would adopt me. How easier things might be then.

That would have made things all the more easier. So much more convenient. But I knew I could drive an effective wedge between John and Kate. I was determined to split them apart like a stone. I turned my head as I heard a knocking sound on the wall. It was just Sister Abigail. She seemed delighted but saddened at my departure. I resented this woman like the plague. I'm glad this would be the last of her!

Silently and without a word she came over to my side and gave me a gentle hug. She patted me gently. "The big day is finally here. Looks like we're going to miss you, Esther. It was nice having you with us for all this time." For some strange reason I could feel that she was glad I was leaving.

Did she know something that I didn't want her to know? It seemed a bit perplexing. It was actually a rather awkward moment. I despised this woman. She was my captor, not my friend. Of course she never knew that. "I'm ready now. Everything is ready." I said. "In that case, let me get those for you." said the old hag as she lifted my suitcases. I grimaced menacingly at her as she turned away from me to retrieve my luggage.

She was literally carrying my life with her. It was all I had to my name. I paused for a moment and took one last dismal look at my dorm. I looked at my own bed, now neatly made and waiting for yet another forgotten soul to take it's place. All the miserable and sleepless nights I had spent ruminating about an uncertain future. Tossing and turning within my bed as all of the other girls slept peacefully. "Esther, let's not leave mommy and daddy waiting now" she cautioned. I smiled but avoided any eye contact as I followed her. Several girls passed me. None bothered to wish me goodbye or good luck. Parting words were not what I was searching for. They could rot in hell for all I cared.

I found a home and they didn't. Better me over them any day of the week. I put on a pair of wool gloves and slid my blue overcoat over my small frame and prepared to put the misery of Saint Mariana's far behind me. I had been playing the part of a nine year old girl so long that I couldn't help but feel like one. Abigail went ahead of me with my bags and proceeded to place them outside the door. She quickly stepped back in from the chilly air. I took my last walk down the stairs as I closed yet another bleak chapter in my life.

I made sure the little blue ribbon in my hair was nice and secure and that everything was just perfect for my "big day". I paused at the front door and looked up at Kate and gave her a very slight smile. I blinked repeatedly. I was filled with so much contempt for this woman as she tilted her head and smiled back. She was now "Enemy Number One". Without a word, without a sound, she extended her hand towards me. I placed my hand in hers. I glanced down with the realization of what I had just done and then looked back into her eyes. I exhaled. The chilly winter air condensed underneath my breath. This was the point of no return. In my mind, the ball was now rolling and the clock was now ticking!

Paul retrieved my luggage. "Hokey dokey" he said with a sigh as I began the start of a brand new life. "Call me if you need anything" Sister Abigail added. "Bye. Thank you!" said Kate softly. There were so many emotions. So many feelings going through me. Excitement, elation, wonderment, worry, joy, nervousness. I would have to sort through these later. I was going home. The very thought seemed impossible for me to comprehend, even at that singular moment of self-realization. As we made our way to the John and Kate's SUV, I took one final look at St. Mariana's.

I seriously wanted to shoot the finger at everyone who could've been watching me at that moment. The snow crunched underneath my feet as Kate gently led me away. I was leaving a lot of bad memories behind. I smiled. "I'm so proud of you, Leena" I thought to myself. "I'm so proud of you!". I was already feeling a sense of elated accomplishment. But I knew as well as anybody that this was only the first step in what would be a long journey.

John was indeed ever the true gentleman as he opened the back door for me. "Hop in sweetie." he beckoned. "Thank you…" I hesitated before saying the word, "daddy", I chirped in my sweet little accent. Kate was touched by my every mannerism. It was as if no person sweeter in the world existed to her. I wondered if she would perhaps even place me over her own children. I climbed into the back.

I looked over the surroundings inside the vehicle. They were well off financially, in the same manner as my birth family was in Estonia while my sister and I were growing up. John loaded up my luggage. I had to admit the whole situation did feel incredibly surreal. I smiled to myself. "Imagine, Leena. If John and Kate only knew they had a 33 year old mental patient in their back seat. A convicted murderer. " I buckled myself in and began to laugh at the thought.

As the two of them got into the front they couldn't help but notice this. Kate turned around in her seat with that perpetual grin on her face. "What's so funny, dear?" she asked. "It's nothing really, mommy, nothing at all." That word made me CRINGE! To have to call my new enemy "mommy". To have to do as she says and eat what she cooks and having to talk to her every day. I realized I had to take the good along with the ugly though. We pulled away slowly from St. Mariana's.

"Are you going to miss Sister Abigail?" John asked quietly. "Oh yes, I'm afraid very much so daddy. I'll be missing a lot of things. But I'm grateful for what I have gained" I told him politely. "That's a very positive attitude for you to have, honey." he complimented. Kate nodded in agreement. I glared as I turned my head to glance back at the building. "Goodbye forever, you demeaning, gloomy little shit hole!" I thought wickedly.

We were now on our way. I had learned that Max, who was the Coleman's young daughter, was deaf, and so I had been spending some of my days practicing some basic sign language that Kate had taught me in our previous visits. Knowing I would have to greet my new "little sister", I began practicing as we made our way to my new home.

I fumbled my fingers delicately. I was a little frustrated at having to learn sign language but it would be necessary thing to learn.

I looked up to notice Kate watching me as I practiced. "God, SO annoying" I thought to myself. Kate was quick to correct me. "No, T…H" she signed. "T…H", she corrected gently. I created another sign. "And Max is like this?" I asked inquisitively. "Right" she whispered as we shared a smile and a little laugh. In my mind, Max would soon be setting eyes on her new mommy. I wanted to make the best impression possible. "Good" Kate commended me before turning back around.

I continued to busy myself with what I had learned and within a short while we pulled up to a large, very modern looking home. "Is this your house?" I exclaimed. "Now it's your house, too.", John told me. We pulled to a stop in the driveway. It was a wood frame house. It looked somewhat abstract in it's design, almost like a log cabin crossed with a house you might see in Beverly Hills. Kate and John got out of the car. Kate opened the door for me. As I got out, my attention was immediately drawn to a window on the upper floor. There was a little girl looking down at me.

I brushed my hair back as I watched her dart away in apparent excitement from the window. Within a quick moment, the front door opened and Max came running excitedly through the snow. "Hi sweetie, HI!" exclaimed Kate. "Look who's here!" she told the child. She had blondish curly hair and was considerably smaller than I was. Kate had told me she was six years old. Kate laughed enthusiastically as she scooped her daughter into her arms. "HI!" she exclaimed again, laughing in the ecstatic pleasure she must have been feeling.

I was genuinely thrilled to finally meet who I one day hoped would become my future daughter. Kate put her down into the snow. The small child was absolutely delighted by my arrival. Her round little face beamed with happiness! I put my best face forward and began to sign and speak at the same time. "Hello, Max. My name is Esther." Max smiled in obvious delight that I had learned to sign. "She's been practicing the whole way" Kate explained happily. I was enthralled by the little girl's enthusiasm. I knew I had already won her over without even trying! I did have a straight-forward question. I leaned over towards Kate as I clutched my Bible. "Can she hear?" I inquired.

"Um, uh, a little. She was born almost completely deaf. That just allows her to hear enough to read lips." she explained. With this she bent over and brushed back Max's hair to reveal the hearing aid she was wearing. I felt sorry for my new daughter. I was truly feeling compassionate at this moment. Max took her mother's hand and jumped enthusiastically into the air as Kate placed her hand on her cheek.

"What a far, far cry you are from the Saarne Institute" I reminded myself. John was lagging behind us as the three of us made our way inside. "Aw, that's alright. I got it!" he exclaimed sarcastically. I walked ahead of Kate and took in the surroundings of my new abode. It was clean, very large, and tastefully decorated. The staircase led to the second floor down into the living room area. The ceiling was tall and the whole room was very open and inviting.

My gaze soon met with that of an elderly lady in perhaps her sixties or early seventies. "Green sweater and dark trousers? This hag certainly dresses old!" I thought. Nevertheless I smiled gratefully as John introduced me. "Esther, I'd like to introduce you to grandma Barbara." I bowed my knees and gently pulled on my coat from the sides. "It's a pleasure to meet you!" I exclaimed. "That's right, stroke their fucking egos, Leena! Be pleasant!" I reminded myself. "Oh, that's precious!" Barbara said in surprise. I wondered to myself what Syrah would think if she seen this whole little display right now.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, too." she replied. I was guessing right off the bat that this was John's mother. Not that she would ever mean a rat's ass in hell to me. Her son and his daughter were the only people I needed under this roof. John walked ahead of us as Kate and I followed him. "Danny" he exclaimed in a dull, almost condescending tone of voice. "Great! I have to meet the little dip shit of the family" I thought. "This is Esther" he explained matter of factly.

Sure, I guess he would look cute to a "real" nine year old. He seemed to be little more than just a brat to me. He was about thirteen and I could tell as he approached me that he had that cocky, male adolescent attitude about him. I could tell just by the disappointed look on his face that he was in no way happy to see me. "Hello Daniel" I said forcibly. He shook my hand. "Hey", was the best he could manage. As I walked away I heard the little smart ass make a remark about me. "Why does she dress like that?" he whispered to his father.

I kept my smile going despite this. "Stop it!" John reprimanded. "I was just asking a question" he explained. "Fucking friction already" I thought. "The boy better watch his boundaries". I continued to explore my new surroundings. Max stood next to me as I noticed something that lit up my day. "OHHH!" I exclaimed as I ran over to what had caught my eye. "You have a PIANO!" I exclaimed in my thick Estonian accent. This wasn't childish acting on my part. I genuinely enjoyed playing the piano as my real father had taught Syrah and I when we were children. "Yeah" Kate laughed. "Like to learn how to play?" Without even turning to face her I lied out loud. "I would LOVE to!".

Of course, I played like a pro. Syrah had one in her home. We played frequently for one another before I departed to Russia. "Well, we can start whenever you want" Kate replied.

Art and music - two passions of mine. At least I could fulfill one of them here! "Shall we show you to your room?" asked John. I turned and nodded in gleeful delight. This was such a far cry from the dark, dank room I spent six years of my life in. I felt truly free as I followed them upstairs. Max and Daniel were close behind. Although Daniel likely felt he was coming by force. Again, I gave two fucks about it. "Well, here we are" John said quietly. I opened the door still clutching my Bible in my other hand. My eyes grew wide in excitement as I examined my room.

A comfortable bed with linens draped over the top. The pillows loaded with stuffed animals. I noticed a small, white desk with a little prop-up mirror, next to which was a large closet. I was surprised to notice I had an aquarium. Perhaps I could use it to drown Kate later on I thought devilishly. I wanted to hold her head underneath the water until the bubbles stopped! Max laughed quietly in joy with the realization that "big sister" was finally here to stay!

She was besides herself in the moment. "Do you like it?" Kate asked. I turned around quickly and smiled joyfully. "It's perfect!" I exclaimed to her, "Good" she said before turning to her husband to laugh enthusiastically at the excitement and contentment of her "new" daughter. Although I could tell John was such as happy, he seemed more reserved in his excitement. I couldn't hold that against who I already considered to be my future husband.

Despite the bumps in the road today, was turning out better than I expected. I wouldn't let John and Kate's little piss head of a son ruin my day for me. Everything was going smoothly. Daniel turned and left in obvious boredom. He had one more "girl" in the house. "Oh well. Too fucking bad!" I thought. I was determined to make sure he shared a grave next to his mother! "This is all so wonderful!" I went on to explain. "Beats St. Mariana's, huh?" John asked. "Oh, most certainly." I suddenly noticed Max once again trying to get the attention of Kate. She signed something to her but due to my limited understanding I couldn't really make it out.

"What is my little sister trying to say?" I asked Kate. "She's just saying that she wants to spend time with you. And to really get to know you." she said almost on the verge of tears. I could tell Max really wanted a "big sister" to play with. Quite boldly I picked the little girl up and swung her around in my arms before giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Now there will be plenty of time for that, won't there now?" I told her.

Kate signed what I said for her and the little tot nodded. I adored who I hoped would become my future daughter. "I guess John and I will give you time to unpack" Kate remarked. I nodded and thanked them. My smile stretched ear to ear. Could they have hoped for a better adopted daughter? Could they have possibly wished for more? Oh, if only then they knew better. John put his arms around his wife and they quietly walked away. Little Max on the other hand stayed put with me.

The child adjusted her hearing aid. She just stood there smiling. She was as overflowing with happiness as was I. I bent over and spoke a little louder in order so she could hear me. "It's very nice to meet you in person. We're going to get to know each other just fine." I assured her. She bent her knees in obvious excitement. She was beyond adorable in my own eyes. "The perfect daughter" I thought. "For the perfect mother", that being myself, of course. Max took me by the hand and almost dragged me over to the bed.

She didn't seem to care about my curious choice of dress in the same manner as her jackass brother had. We formed an instant and tangible bond. We sat next to one another on the edge of the bed and I hugged her tightly. "Your new mommy has just arrived Max. I can't wait to replace your mother." I told her in Estonian. She, of course, was ever ignorant as to the meaning of my words. She tried signing to me but I was still learning.

I leaned over to whisper into her ear. "I don't understand Max. Give me time so I can learn, okay? Do you know how to write?" I asked her. It was an inconvenience to have to speak into her ear ever time I wanted to communicate with her. She nodded. "I'm guessing a little bit" I asked her. Again, she nodded. I held up my finger. "Wait a moment" I told her. Max remained seated.

She bounced up and down in exuberance. Kate had told me how badly she wanted a big sister. I would have to fill that roll before I could ever hope on filling the role of "mommy" to tiny Max. I noticed a little notepad and some pens and pencils on the desk. I walked back over to my new "baby sister". I grinned at her as I extended the items. "I guess if you can't talk, you can write." I explained.

Max got the cue even though I wasn't sure if she heard me. I knew she wanted to know so much about "Esther". She sat there, sticking her tongue out of her mouth in a childish manner, as if she wasn't sure what she wanted to ask. I sat down next to her and placed my arm around her. I pulled her closer to me. I felt a surge of energy flow within me. I myself smiled in excitement as she put pen to paper. Being only six years old, Max could hardly write but I watched as she scribbled something on the notepad. I knew I had to learn sign language as quickly as possible.

"Wur ar you frome?" it asked. Her spelling errors no different than any child her age. I spoke into her ear. "A beautiful country called Russia." I told her. Already I was sitting here telling a lie to my new daughter. I was an Estonian. I wanted to tell her the truth one day. These little white lies were all a smoke screen for her. She turned and mouthed the words "Where is that?". I read her lips. "In Europe…", she seemed perplexed. "I come from across the ocean" I explained further. She smiled. She scribbled again on the notepad. "I lik huw you sownd!", in reference to my accent. "Thank you, Max. A lot of kids actually made fun of my voice. You're the first to tell me that." I complimented her.

Kate came back around to check on us. She leaned up against the doorway with her arms crossed. "Everything going okay?" she smiled. "Oh, yes mommy! Max here is just writing down questions and things for me." Kate laughed, still flying high. "Good…great, actually…we're going to have to teach you some sign language" she teased. "I can't wait!" I answered happily. "I warn you that I am a fast learner" I teased back. "Well, I'm sure Max and I will be able to keep up."

"In any case, I'll let the two of you go back to, well, what the two of you are doing." she said contently. Kate was going to possibly be one of my biggest challenges. Sure, she didn't know WHO I was but she had some obvious advantages. She was very smart, very attractive, and seemed to have a great relationship with her husband and children. Breaking this family apart was going to be like breaking apart a boulder with a butter knife.

Those issues could wait though for Max was still a little storehouse of innocent questions. "Do you hav brovrs an cistrs?" At first I didn't know what she wrote, but then I realized she was asking if I had siblings. I smiled. "Yes, Max. A wonderful older sister named Syrah. She lives across the ocean. Where I came from. You'll get to meet her if mommy and daddy let her." I explained. She seemed delighted that I myself had a sister. A second "older sister" of sorts for her to meet.

She was glassy eyed. Almost teary eyed even. I laughed along with her. If everything went ahead as planned, Syrah would be an aunt to this child. I was determined to give Syrah a niece. I ran my hands through the child's soft curly blonde hair. I knew in my heart of hearts that I could never allow myself to hurt this little girl. Max deserved better than Kate and I was going to give this little girl the mother that I knew she deserved

I noticed all of the stuffed toys on my bed. I took a pink one and put in Max's lap and began to play with it as if it were a living animal. She was delighted to no end. "A tickle attack" I said loudly before tickling her stomach. She fell back on the bed. She was laughing hysterically but not much sound came out. This child was already a thousand times more precious to me than that little bitch Tiffany was at St. Mariana's. Max playfully tossed the little stuffed animal at me and I giggled. Max sat back up and we embraced each other again. I was met by an unexpected and unwelcome sight in the doorway.

I regained my composure to some extent. "Yes, Daniel?" I asked. He was so cold and distant. He handed me a cell phone. "Dad said you wanted to call somebody on the ride home." he said blankly. "This little pain in the ass" I thought coldly. The boy obviously wasn't in the mood for any kind of conversation or interaction with me. "Oh, yes. Thank you, Daniel". He looked at Max in an almost condescending manner.

It was as if he didn't like the fact that his sister and I had grown so close, so fast. So young, yet so jealous. He departed our company as quickly as he had arrived and with good riddance! Max was still bouncing around as I realized I had promised to call Syrah upon my arrival. "Max, I need to make a phone call to my sister across the sea." I explained into her ear. She nodded in understanding as she bit down on her lower lip.

Of course, not that I wanted to stop playing with my future daughter. I just didn't want Syrah to worry any time longer than she had to. Max pointed to herself and then to the door. "No Max, you don't have to leave." I told her. I wasn't going to kick the child out of "my room". The tiny bundle of happiness could not stop smiling. Who could blame her? Neither could I for that matter!

Max dove onto the bed and into the pile of stuffed animals as I dialed my sister's number. "Just give me some time and we can play again." I had to say loudly enough so she could at least continue to make out what I was saying. She nodded with a huge smile as she rolled around with the toys. It only took one ring before she picked up. "Yes! Hello!" I heard Syrah asking enthusiastically.

"Hello Syrah! Guess who? I'm at the Coleman house as we speak!" I told her emphatically. For obvious reasons I kept the language in our native Estonian. "Leena, oh, okay, wow! Thank you for keeping your word and letting me know what's going on with you. That you would call me today when you got there. You're really there RIGHT NOW?" she said almost in disbelief. "I know, isn't it something? It's so beautiful here.

They're so well-off. I met Max and Daniel. It's been going well so far…for the most part" I assured her. "Wait, what do you mean by that?" she asked. I was bluntly honest. "Their son is a total asshole. I can tell he hated me the moment we shook hands."

Syrah sighed. "Leena, my Klam Klam, what the hell!" she said lowly. She wasn't angry. She was obviously disappointed and confounded by my current situation. "I told you before, should have stayed with me. Then you wouldn't have to worry about meeting people you don't care for" she lamented sadly. "But Syrah, the hell with Daniel, Max is so adorable! This house…and John…it's everything I could've asked for". She shot straight to the heart. "And Kate?" she asked.

"Well, of course, she's a whole other story." I didn't go so far as saying I wanted to hurt Kate to my sister but I felt that she could sense the hatred I had for her in my voice. "So where do you go from here?" Syrah asked. "I don't know. I'm too happy to even really think about that right now. Little Max is so excited." The little girl continued playing on the bed and was now making quite a bit of noise.

Syrah softened. "And I'm guessing that's her I hear in the background?" she guessed correctly. "Yes, she's just jumping around on the bed, we're here in my room. I haven't even had the time to unpack yet. Max is all over the place." I beamed. "How old is she again? Didn't you tell me she was five or six?" I cleared my throat. "Six, she's six, I need to learn sign language." I explained. "That's right. You told me their daughter is deaf" she remembered. "My daughter, Syrah. And hopefully, one day, your new niece." I managed, as always, to take Syrah aback by something I had said.

"Now you remember, we will have NO repeat of the Sullivans! Your third and final chance, Leena. I swear upon High Heaven! Next time…, I cut her off. "Be calm now, sister. Haven't we gone over that a hundred times? If you seen Max you knew I could never hurt her. She's as cute as a button." I said as I smiled lovingly at the happy Kindergartner.

"I think the easiest solution for me…personally, Leena. Is for me to come to America. I want to meet this family for myself. If not now, than sometime in the near future. I have to keep an eye on you. I can't rest unless I'm there close by." I understood her point and really couldn't object. "Believe me, Syrah. I'm still homesick about leaving you behind. I WANT to see you ever since I boarded that train! Just let me settle in. All in due time" I promised.

"After all, John and Kate, they're aware of you, but you're going to have to play along with me." I said almost in a tantalizing, teasing manner. "You know how I feel about lying and keeping secrets" she retorted. "But, like you said, you can keep an eye on me. If that helps you sleep. If that makes my Sy Sy happy (my pet name I used to call her), than please, by all means, come to America." I responded cheerfully.

I wasn't trying to be a smartass with her. I welcomed and openly embraced the idea of seeing my sister on a regular basis once more. "After all, phone calls, packages, they don't make up for actually being there with you." I cooed. "You're sweet to say such a thing, Leena." she said.

Max came up to me and tugged on my arm and dragged me down onto the bed with her. "Oh, Max, not now. Let me finish with my sister!" I pleaded while covering the phone with my hand. My new daughter, or, at least for now, my "little sister", was a handful! "I'm not talking about a visit either, Leena. I'm talking about living in America. So as long as your in that household. Where ever you are. I've got to be near by. That's the only way I feel I can keep a clear conscience anymore."

I almost wanted to make light of her seriousness. "So you can be my babysitter then" I giggled. "I'm SERIOUS, Leena. You know how I feel, come on now." I sighed. "No, your right. But, ONE THING!" I brought up. "How will you act when John falls for me?" I contemplated to her.

"Oh, you mean when he decides to become a pedophile and go after somebody he thinks is a nine year old?" she asked a little sarcastically. "No, I have every intention of letting him know of my adulthood. Somewhere and somehow. Down the line." I explained. "Again and again, Leena. Why must I keep explaining this? It just won't work! I just don't understand how you're planning on making this crazy dream a reality."

I gritted my teeth every time she said this. I felt like she was sticking pins inside of me! "If I believed that then I wouldn't even be staying here right now, now would I?" I lashed back. "You treat that little girl, ALL OF THEM, with respect, Leena Klammer!" she urged.

"Syrah…I", Max once again tried pulling me down with her. I nearly lost my footing. "No Max, little sister, please wait!" I pleaded. "What does the little girl want?" Syrah asked. "Max wants to play, that's all. She's so happy and excited. And John, Syrah, I wish I had a photo of him for you, I mean he's just…he's SO HOT!" I said almost blushing at myself.

Syrah began laughing hysterically at me. "I'm sorry…(laughing)…Leena…the way you just said that…" she went on. She was genuinely amused. "Well, I guess I'll have to be the judge of that" she teased. "Oh no, I spilled my coffee!" she lamented loudly as she continued laughing. I noticed Max had now occupied herself completely with the stuffed animals.

I was suddenly startled when Max reached for my Bible that I had placed on my bed. She was about to open it when I snatched it from her hand. "What's wrong?" she mouthed. I pointed to the Bible that contained the photos of so many of my victims and their families. I whispered into her ear. "It's very, very private." I told her gently. I didn't want her getting curious as to who all those people in the photos were.

She seemed a little disappointed but I stroked her hair in assurance that I wasn't angry and sat back down beside her. Syrah came back to the phone after cleaning up. "I am sorry about that, Leena." I could hear my sister fumbling around. "Why apologize to me? I wasn't trying to make you laugh."

"I'm not laughing at you, just what you said. In any case, I really want to meet the Colemans for myself. I'm not going to take no for an answer, Leena. I don't want to come to America to take you away. Again, I just need to watch over you. I can rent a place in America. We both speak perfect English. I can adjust. Where you go from now on, I GO!" she said emphatically.

I was silent. "And the sooner the better. I want to talk to the Colemans on the phone in the coming days." she went on. I informed her of something she surely already knew. "Then you know the lies your going to have to cook up for yourself." I warned.

"Like I just said, I don't like lying about myself." she came back. "You're so young looking Syrah. You're going to be 24 instead of 39. You're from Russia, not Estonia. We need to come up with a story about Esther's real family, and not our own mother and father." I told her bluntly.

"You just have this all thought out already?" said Syrah. "Well, what choice do I have?" she consigned herself. "If I ever told them who you really were it would be hell unleashed. I'll lie to them if it means both the Colemans and you will stay safe from harm. YOUR harm, Leena" she told me.

"Good Sy Sy." I said enthusiastically. "I almost want to hate myself for having to lie like that. You're putting me in such a terrible position." I felt bad for Syrah. "It's not so bad…just a few little white lies, Syrah." I reasoned. "Come on, Leena. You told me when we talked last week that the Colemans found out about the house fire with the Sullivans. That they think it was all an accident. Don't you think the Colemans won't have some really tough questions for me?" she tried to convince me. "Oh, like what? You were not with the Sullivans! After all, they already spoke with me about what had happened. Talk about awkward, Syrah."

"That is not what I mean." Syrah rebuked. "It's not as easy as making up some story about our real family. I have a feeling they're going to see through me." she said in worry. "It's your choice to meet them, after all." I explained. "You're going to have to lie. I have been living a lie for so many months now. Come join my game!" I said almost wickedly.

"That's not funny, Leena." she shot back. "It won't be so bad, Syrah. I need to hug you and be near you again. I WANT you to meet them. I WANT you here in Connecticut with me. Like you said, you can get your own place, I can keep living here. You can stay close by. No harm and no foul" I reassured her.

"That's what I want. I'm glad you can see things eye to eye with me. Wait, you may need a step ladder to do that" she teased gently. I was in such a good mood that I let it roll off me. "I won't need one to hug you though. I want you here as soon as you do. But John and his wife, they need to put me in a new school. I just have to settle in a bit." She understood my own position.

"Just as long as I can get there. I just can't pack up and leave, either. I'll have to shut down my massage therapy practice. Have my furniture and everything else moved. Get a passport. Yeah, it's not going to be right now." she agreed. "It would be too stressful for either of us, Leena. You just need to keep yourself level-headed and wait for me to get everything settled."

"I'm just trying to get settled myself. Take your time. I know I'll be taking mine." I told her. Syrah told me something I knew she was going to say. "The Colemans will be safe with me so close by. I know you won't do anything rash. Anything we'll both regret. Like…before" she said ominously.

I nodded even though I was talking on the phone. "It'll be a lot easier for me if you're here" I assured her. "That's the honest truth" I added. Max was now rummaging through my luggage. One of the aged suitcases popped open. Out spilled my dresses. Max picked up my black beret and placed it on her head with a smile.

"One second, Syrah." I put down the phone. I wasn't agitated by Max's natural curiosity. She rummaged innocently through my clothing, fascinated by my dresses. I bent over and gently placed the clothing back into their container. "No, no, Max. PLEASE wait!" I pleaded again. I remained calm and gentle. I knew a had a lot of learn about being a mommy if I were to ever raise this child properly!

I knew that I couldn't ever let my short fuse burn through on this little one. I let her wear the cute beret, which was oversized on her, as I urged her away from my luggage. There was gauze in there, my make-up kit, things that were vital to keeping Leena as "Esther". Things she couldn't and wouldn't be allowed by me to see.

Before hastily packing away the last of my dresses I removed one of the equally outdated porcelain dolls that I had packed and handed it to the child with a smile of generosity. She stared at with in glee. "Thank you!" she mouthed as my kind gesture. I huffed and stood back up. I gingerly picked up the phone. "What was that all about?" asked Syrah. "Max got into my luggage. She's so curious. She got a hold of the little black beret you bought for me." Syrah let out a laugh. "Just be nice to her" she told me. "I'm not angry at her. I know how kids act. I just got out of damned St. Mariana's for God's sake." I said calmly.

Syrah changed up the subject a bit and brought it back to the Colemans. "Leena, just how much do John and Kate know about me exactly? I'm just asking." I kept an eye on little Max as she looked herself over in my mirror with the little beret snuggly on her adorable little mat of hair. "They know you're profession. I told them you're 24 and didn't really have a lot of money to take care of me. I explained all of that to you already now. They know a lot about you."

Syrah measured her words. "The only reason I ask Leena is to see if you told them anything else. God forbid if you told them I were nearly 40 wouldn't that raise eyebrows. A 39 year old with a 9 year old sister?"

"Well, of course. That is WHY I told them your were only 24. You look it! I'm already aging without the make-up, Syrah. You were always so much more prettier than me." I cooed. "Oh stop!" she said flattered. "Your plenty beautiful Leena. I just wish you could see that." Max was now skipping about, doing just about anything to occupy herself until I got off the phone. She held the little doll in her arms. It was a doll my father had given me as a child of about her age. My eyes were fixed on her as she pranced about with the aged porcelain plaything.

For a moment I forgot I was speaking on the phone to my sister as the doll had brought back so many memories, both good and bad, from my days growing up back home in Estonia. I was almost entranced. "Hello? Leena? Are you there, honey?" HELLO?" I shook myself out of it.

"Yes, Syrah. I'm here. Sorry. I'm zoning out a bit. I'm just trying to absorb everything" She was a little concerned. "Are you sure everything is alright, Leena?" I put my hand on my forehead. "YES! Syrah, don't worry yourself to death now. Oh, and remember, once you come to America and we're around the Colemans…I'm ESTHER!" I reminded her.

She exhaled deeply. "It's going to get a lot of getting used to calling you that" she complained. "I personally hate the name. I should've picked a better one for well…Esther. But that is who I am now. Just another part of this big lie that I'm forced to live." I said sharply. "We'll be together again really shortly though." I said trying to uplift my Syrah. "Let's count on it!" she said. "Syrah, I'm going to let you go for now. Max is a little too hyperactive. Like I said…kids."

Syrah was disappointed. "Well, in that case, you let your new…um, parents…let them know I want to talk to them. I want to be there to see you. Will you do that for me as soon as possible?" I assured her. "Yes" I said, placing my hand over my heart. "My word on it. Because it's what we both want. For now, Syrah, I love you. More than I love myself."

"See how sweet you can be when you're calm, Leena? I love you, too. Do not leave me waiting too long." she said. "My word on that as well. Goodbye for now." Syrah ended her call. "Goodbye, dear." I placed the phone down and glanced over at Max. She was peering out of the doorway and into the hallway. It was John. "Oh daddy! There you are! Here is your phone back. I was talking to Syrah back home." I explained.

"Well, I'm glad you guys can stay in touch." he said with a grin. "Daddy, Syrah wants to talk to you and mommy. She wants to visit me here in America. What do the two of you think of that?" I said nervously. I was hoping that this wouldn't be any kind of an issue with either of them.

"Why would there be any problems with that? I'm guessing her number is here in my phone?" he asked. I nodded sweetly. "In that case, let me talk to mommy and we can have a nice chat with your big sister. She speaks good English, right?" he asked concerned. I nodded again. "As well as you and mommy speak it" I explained, now excited by his ready approval. "You know that your older sister would be welcome to visit you whenever the two of you want. That's your right, sweetheart."

With that he put his finger to my nose as I giggled with a smile. "That makes this day even more perfect" I smiled. I tilted my head and giggled. Max was delighted by the sight. She clapped her hands together. I guess she really was good at reading lips. John turned to laugh at his daughter.

John signed what he had told me. "Why don't you and Max come downstairs in a little bit? Well…after you unpack" he asked. "That would be fine daddy. Thanks again for letting me talk to Syrah." He smiled and nodded. "Never a problem. Mommy and I are going to talk to your sister tomorrow. How's that sound?" Again I nodded in delight. I knew my sister would be in America soon enough. Not tomorrow, not next week, but soon. Then, I felt, my life would be truly complete! But in the meantime, the newest chapter in my life was just beginning. After seeing this wonderful home and getting to meet my precious Max, I was determined to make sure things would be different this time…that my search had finally come to it's end!

**In the next chapter, the early part of the movie continues as Leena must continue to adjust as a Coleman. She soon finds herself in conflict with Daniel and his friends while at the same time having to deal with Kate's attempts to grow close to her. I apologize again for the delay everyone! Please review and feel free to send any comments and/or suggestions/criticisms. **


	33. Love And Hatred

**In the last chapter, "Esther" finally came home with the Colemans and met her new siblings. She soon finds that although her new brother Daniel dislikes her, her new "little sister" Max forms an instant bond with her. Leena talks to Syrah on the phone, only to hear of Syrah's intention to move to America to "keep an eye" on Leena and her unpredictable behavior. The next day now arrives…**

"Pain in the ass ribbon! Latch on!" I complained in my native Estonian as I tried to secure it around my neck. Getting "dolled up" was such a chore for me! I sat at my little desk as I struggled with it. It was a most beautiful, but cold day outside and I managed to sleep well the night before and felt renewed for the day ahead and whatever challenges it may hold. I heard a knocking on my door and turned around in expectation. "Esther, are you almost ready?" asked Kate as she stood with a smile in my doorway. "Certainly, mommy. Please, one more moment." I said sweetly.

"Well, come on down! Daddy and I have some surprises for you." I smiled and looked in her eyes. The glimmer in them I had already grown to hate. I didn't know what she meant by this. "And what surprises are those, mommy?" I asked gently. "Well, come on down and see!" she teased, gesturing me with her hand. Max ran up to her mother and pulled at her arm, looking over at me in excitement. Kate bent over to attend to the little six year old while I fastened the ribbon tightly, hiding that terrible truth beneath the soft velvet.

"Yes, Max, I'm coming!" she laughed as she dragged her mother away. She seemed so excited for her "big sister". It was a new chapter in her young life as well. I stared at my reflection in the small mirror. I readjusted my false teeth as they were hurting my gums. I picked up my hair brush and fixed myself up one final time. "Not bad, Leena. Not bad at all" I assured myself. "Stay confidant!" I muttered as I stood up.

I headed out and closed the door tightly behind me and approached the stairs. Max was standing at the top, jumping up and down. We smiled at each other before she took off ahead of me. "Be careful, Max! Don't fall!" I warned. She obviously couldn't hear me as the ball of energy made her way down into the large and open living room. Her little steps making plenty of noise as she ran down them. As I descended, I was annoyed by what I seen at first. I glanced over to see Daniel and two of his friends playing Guitar Hero.

"Good, that should keep the little bastard occupied" I thought. I had to remind myself not to glare at him as he didn't even seem to notice me. Who could give a shit? His friends, a chubby black kid, and a second white one, were engrossed in their little game. "Spineless little brats!" I thought. "Well, good morning sunshine!" said John. I turned my head towards his voice and smiled briskly. "And good morning daddy!" I giggled. The indoor air seemed so clean compared to that at St. Mariana's. I inhaled and smiled at the sight.

Kate approached me. Before we begin, Esther. Could you stand up against the wall with Max? I need to get a picture of the two of you together. It would be so sweet!" she explained. She signed for Max to come over. She skipped along and joined me as Kate directed us against the wall. I embraced little Max. "SMILE!" said Kate before snapping a quick picture with her iPhone. I was receiving a better reception here at the Colemans than I had at the Sullivans. I truly felt welcomed! "Pictures worth a thousand words", Kate commented. Max jumped up and down before rushing back over to her mother. Her mother…for now!

John, Kate and Max took their seats on the couch as I beheld the wrapped gifts that had been laid out before me. "OHHHHHH!" I exclaimed in delight. In my head, it was a different story. Surely these would be toys or the like. Nothing of much use to a "grown" woman, and I only use the term "grown" in the loosest sense of the word. "Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!" I exclaimed. There were numerous presents. I feigned the excitement I was showing. I could never let the Colemans on to any sort of negative emotions I may have been feeling at the time.

I noticed as Daniel glanced over at me. He seemed jealous at all of the attention that was now being given to me. I relished in the moment at his jealousy. "All for me?" I asked, pointing to myself. "Yes, all for you, darling!" Kate declared. "Where do I begin?" I asked myself out loud, placing a finger to my lips. My eyes darted back and forth. I glanced back over to Daniel. He noticed and quickly turned back around. "That's right, better turn around before I put my foot up your ass!" I thought.

Max suddenly stood up and picked up a gift. She extended her tiny hands out to mine as I gently took it from her hands. She stood in front of me in eager anticipation as I tore away the thin layer of wrapping paper. It was something very useful after all! A book on American Sign Language.

"Thank you" I told her sincerely. "How do you say thank you?" I inquired of Kate. She put her hand to her mouth and then held it out at a distance. "Thank you" she said smiling. I mimicked the gesture for little Max. With a smile she gestured, "Your welcome", putting her hand to her mouth and arching it downwards. A sweet gift from mother to daughter, and by that I meant from Max to myself!

John walked over to me obviously holding something behind his back. "Wow, look at that" he exclaimed, looking down at my gift. That little bastard Daniel was still snickering at me in the distance but I refused to let him get to me. I tried to grab the gift from John as he began to turn back and forth. "What? What? What?" he asked in a comical fashion, turning back and forth away from me and looking around humorously as I grabbed with glee at the large gift he was "trying to hide".

We all shared a laugh as I grabbed it from him with a huge smile of delighted happiness. The little teen bastard now tried to get his attention. "Dad, look. Dad!" he shouted. I ignored him and continued in my rejoicing. "Dad, look. I'm killing Trevor". He desperately was vying for his father's attention. "That's great" John said with a nod. "Up his ass. My foot's going up it!" I thought.

I placed the large gift on the floor and tore off the paper in a rush. "Oooohh! THANK YOU!" I said ever so gratefully. Yet another useful gift. A painting easel! I knew this had to have been John's idea. "Oooooooo! Look at that!" exclaimed Kate as she held Max. John sat contently next to his wife seeming to revel in my very presence. "Come on dad, my solo's gonna end. Hurry, look!" shouted Daniel in a near panic.

I glanced over briefly as John turned his head. "Wow, cool!" he told him, almost in a droning sort of manner, as if he were trying to get his own son to leave him alone in the moment of joy he was sharing with "Esther". Who gave a damn about some shitty little guitar game? "Travor, you suck!" lamented Daniel. I almost wanted to laugh as his friend told him to shut up! I laughed loudly as I removed the rest of the wrapping paper. This was just a childish act on my part although I did appreciate having these things. I smiled with unbridled joy as Kate took pictures of me with her iPhone. She snapped photos off and on.

I put the easel down on the floor and wrapped my arms around John's neck. I looked wickedly into Daniel's eyes as he stared back into mine with concern. "What? Am I stealing all your thunder you little fuck nut?" I thought. I embraced John more tightly. "Come on guys. It's lame!" Daniel bitched as he took the wannabe guitar off from around his shoulders. "I'm glad you like it honey!" John assured me.

"I love it so much daddy!" Max, being ever the grateful "little sister", handed me another gift as I released my embrace. "Oh, and what do we have here?" I asked. My eyes grew wide as I stared into hers. She jumped up and down before throwing herself between her parents. Kate and John embraced their little girl. As with the other gifts, I removed the paper, this time revealing a set of paints and brushes. I again thanked my new "parents" profusely. Of course, Syrah had sent me plenty of these already.

Daniel and his friends hastily made their way out of the house and not a moment too soon in my opinion. This boy was utterly disgusted by my arrival. The moment was not spoiled as Max nudged me with yet another gift. "Another one for me?" I asked with a smile. Max nodded quickly with a grin. Whatever was inside was soft to the touch.

Removing the paper revealed that they were several pairs of jeans. Despite my disappointment, I of course made thanks. "Not much use to me with a dress", I thought. After all, I had to hide the "adult features" of my body. That's why I was dressing the way I was to begin with. I laughed openly. At least it was easy to be happy today. After all, once John knew who I really was, I could wear these at some point, or at least I reasoned so.

I put them down and opened one gift after another. Painting canvases, dolls, more books, a slinky even. Yes, a slinky! I knew they knew no better when choosing gifts for me. I was "their child". Their newest little addition to the family. This reminded me so much of a Christmas morning that I hadn't experienced since I was a real child so many years ago. It brought up some strong emotions within me. Even as I write this, I can't help but reminisce. I hugged the three Colemans as well as "grandma Coleman" who also joined in on the special day.

John and Max were the only hugs that really meant anything to me. Kate and the old hag were of course just a false show of affection. The monster pretending to be the innocent. Max began signing feverishly. "Now what is she saying?" I asked Kate curiously. "She wants to go outside and play with you." I smiled at my newfound bundle of joy. "Sounds delightful. Just absolutely delightful. Will you let us, mommy?" I asked. "Yes, but…but let me come with you. I just want to talk." Kate explained. I nearly screwed up. I NEARLY frowned.

Still, I held my smile. I wanted to be alone with Max so we could play and laugh and bond in peace. But no, Kate wanted to barge in! I, of course, could not refuse her insistence. Max couldn't seem to care less one way or the other. "Mommy, let me get my coat then. Thank you all so much again!" Before they could even say "You're welcome" I darted up the stairs. I just wanted to put on the show of an overexcited child. I slowed down as I approached my room.

An unpleasant grin marred my face. "Always has to be somebody in the way" I complained softly as I turned the doorknob. "All Kate wants to do is talk, Leena. Fuck Daniel! Just go for a walk with her. After all, Max will be there. You can't just simply ignore this woman!" I told myself. I opened my closet and removed my long blue overcoat and a pair of mittens. I took off my black slippers for a pair of snow boots. I dressed myself for the cold weather outside and prepared to spend some "quality time" with my new enemy. I took ten minutes or so to simply allow myself to relax.

I was hesitant to even go outside. I almost wanted to make an excuse, like it was too cold outside. But I didn't want to let little Max down. I slowly came down the stairs. John was now lying on the couch as Kate finished picking up the wrapping paper. "Oh, no, mommy let me help you!" I offered sweetly.

"No, really, Esther, everything's okay. I got it!" she offered. "Are you sure?" I asked. She nodded. Max ran up to me, dressed in a gray overcoat not all that different from my own, of course, besides the color. My little ray of sunshine had changed out of her night clothes into another outfit. Kate came back after removing the last of the mess. John looked so peaceful lying quietly on the couch. I went over to him with a smile and leaned over to give him a gentle kiss.

"Thank you again, daddy! It really means a lot to me!" I cooed. I couldn't wait to finally taste his lips, among other things of his! "You're very welcome, sweetheart." he said in a tired daze. "Ready?" I heard from his bitch of a wife. I turned around. She had her hands in the pockets of her long black pea coat as she smiled gracefully. "Sure! Let's go outside then." I replied.

Kate beckoned me over with her hand. Max began to run towards the front door. "MAX!", Kate shouted, John sat upright with a start and then laid back down while shaking his head. "Stupid bitch, don't startle MY MAN!" I thought angrily. The little girl turned around and waited for her mother and I. "Sorry, Esther. Max, well, you see how she gets." Kate explained.

I looked up at her and nodded with a smile. What girl her age didn't bounce off the walls? Max was more than eager to get out of the house. Kate laughed and placed her hand under the tot's chin before stroking her curly hair. We left the warmth of my new home for the chilly air of a typical Winter's day in New England. "Does it get this cold back in Russia?" Kate asked. "Stupid question, of COURSE it must!" she retorted before I could answer.

"No, mommy. We have palm trees and sandy beaches" I teased. She laughed but in actuality I was being the smart ass that I am known to be. Max cocked her head. She didn't seem to understand what I had said. No matter, though. She jumped into the snow with her natural enthusiasm. Max never strayed to far from either of us, especially me. She bordered on obsessed with "Esther". As Max enjoyed her playtime, tossing the fluffy snow around like pixy dust, Kate began her discussion with me.

This was awkward and uncomfortable for me. I always felt like she knew something about me that I didn't want her to. "Esther, daddy and I, we talked to Syrah today." she began. I tried to avert my gaze and watch Max. I almost felt a lump form in my throat. "Oh! And?…" I suddenly listened in anticipation. "She seems like such a nice woman. Very soft spoken. Your father and I were really taken in by her."

"What did you talk about with her?" I asked nervously. "She really wants to come to America. She wants to move close by because she told us how badly she misses being with you. I hate to say this but she started crying. I'm sorry she couldn't take care of you." said Kate. I shrugged my shoulders. I guess Syrah was keeping her end of the deal. If only Kate knew how wealthy Syrah was. "Yes…things were bad for her. For both of us." I explained.

"She told us about how your parents…" she looked up as she sniffled…"how they just abandoned the two of you. You were only a baby when this happened?" Kate asked. I was completely unaware of this new story Syrah obviously concocted. I played along with Kate. "Yes, I don't remember my parents really. I really don't. Syrah took care of me the best she could. She was young too. We grew apart and I was taken to a stupid orphanage." I explained.

Kate nodded in understanding. I knew she wasn't trying to trip me up with a false story. "Well, we have the paperwork about that orphanage. Daddy and I. It's just…I don't understand how a parent could abandon their own children. It's heartbreaking" Kate lamented, wiping a genuine tear from her eye. "Thank you, sweet Syrah! For covering my ass!" I thought. "It happens a lot in Russia. My country isn't rich like America is" I explained. "Daddy and I will never abandon you." Kate assured me. She placed her arm around my shoulders and drew me in close to her.

My head rested snuggly against her side as she looked up into the sky. "We both know how hard life has been for you. It won't be hard EVER again. Alright, Esther?" I nodded. "Yes, mommy. Really, don't get upset. I know this." I explained. Of course, Syrah's story was nothing but a complete fabrication. Her sob story had obviously worked it's magic on Kate. Kate seemed like such an emotionally driven creature. "

"Is Syrah coming? When is she coming? Will you let her?" I asked, almost emotional myself. I was missing my sister to death here in America, even with my plans underway once more. Kate gently lifted my chin as I looked up into her teary eyes. Syrah must have really moved her.

"She said as soon as possible. Really, daddy and I are okay with her coming to visit you. I don't know when, sweetie. She'll be coming though. I want to meet her, trust me, all of us will!" Kate tried to soothe my conscious. We wandered almost aimlessly around their large property. Max failed to pay any attention to our heart to heart conversation. The somberness was suddenly broken when the little girl began to happily toss snowballs in our direction.

I let out a high pitched squeal at her sudden attack. Obviously, it was all in good fun. I ducked as Max tossed one at me. It managed to hit Kate, much to my own amusement. Kate laughed. "Do you see what I mean about her, Esther?" I bent over to scoop up a snowball of my own and gently tossed it at my little Max. It exploded harmlessly off of her arm. She nearly lost her footing.

"I think I better go back inside!" Kate pointed amusingly. "I'll let you girls play. We can always talk more later. Just stay safe out here.", Kate retreated much to my relief. Max had now calmed down. I guessed maybe she wanted to scare her mother off. Max just wanted alone time with me. Likewise, I wouldn't pass up the opportunity. "Come catch me, darling" I said loudly in order for her to hear me.

Max smiled and began to chase me through the fresh snow, her arms swinging wildly at her sides. I was able to outrun her as she tried her best to catch up to me. It was nice to get outside and enjoy the day. I had been cooped up for far too long. The running warmed my body. We played for what seemed like an eternity. Time passes so quickly when one is having so much fun. I let Max catch up to me. I picked her up in my arms and twirled her around. She was trying to sign different things to me but I simply could not understand.

"Max, I need to practice sign language. I learn quickly. Give me time." I said into her ear. She could only nod. It hurt me that I couldn't yet communicate with my daughter. The daughter I claimed as my own the moment I had met her. She seemed as disappointed as I was. She looked up into my eyes. A blank expression on her face. "Cheer up, Max!" I chided. With a smile I reached over and took her hand into mine. We walked into the woods within a short distance of the house.

Something peculiar caught my attention. It was a large tree house of some sort. No doubt it belonged to Kate's little shit head of a son. "Is that Daniel's?" I asked Max loudly. She nodded, grasping my hand with both of hers. The child craved my attention so badly. I glared upwards at the tree house. I could see movement within the darkness within. Undoubtedly, the little bastard and his friends were doing God knows what up there. "They're probably jerking each other off" I thought in disgust.

"I guess us girls aren't allowed up there, are we Max?" I asked again. She read my lips. "No…NO!" she mouthed. After glancing down at Max I turned my head and glanced back up. Daniel's friend Trevor had leaned out of the tree house window slightly and seemed to have noticed Max and I standing the short distance away, He must have informed Daniel because the little prick's head soon darted out of the window.

"Esther…NO GIRLS ALLOWED!" he shouted, cupping his mouth with his hands. I heard some faint laughter emanating from his friends. I didn't answer. Max and I simply stared on. "GO AWAY!" he whined. Another uproar of laughter followed. Oh, how I couldn't wait to slash this fucker the hell open like a helpless fish! Max tugged on my arm. "Yes, Max?" She seemed insistent. "Let's go!" she mouthed.

Max didn't want her big brother causing problems for me. "Such a thoughtful and considerate child", I thought silently. Neither of us wanted the hassle. We turned and silently made our way back towards the house, the snow crunching noisily beneath our feet. The snow was a little deep and we made sure to take our time. I caught Max as she nearly fell over herself. "Take it easy, Max." I warned. My thoughts were drifting to Syrah. I felt thankful for her. She kept me covered with a lie. It hurt her, I know it did, but soon she could get her wish and be close by.

The fact that John and Kate were both so approving of my sister's right to visitation; it simply made my otherwise cold heart warm up. Over a year had passed since I had last seen Syrah. "Soon" couldn't come soon enough! It would make my days easier to bear and my nights easier to rest. I was startled by the sound of a flock of birds suddenly darting noisily from a nearby tree. My heart raced for a moment. Max tugged to get my attention. "Just birds!" she mouthed. I nodded with a smile. "I know, honey." I bent over and picked up another snowball.

"Just SNOW!" I shouted before gently tossing it at Max. The little girl vocalized some laughter as she covered her face with her hands as it collided softly against her. Once again we enjoyed a little snowball battle. Anything to help bond with Max would work to my advantage, and to little Max's, in the long run! Max couldn't throw as hard as I could but I made sure to be gentle and go easy on her.

I suddenly felt at peace. A profound sense that I did belong where I was. Even with that baby dick Daniel hiding like a coward with his friends in that tree house, I felt at home! I couldn't say the same when I was at St. Mariana's. Maybe it was John, maybe it was the way Max had taken an instant affinity with me, I don't know, things just felt "different" this time around. Call it a woman's instinct, I don't know.

I ran out of energy much sooner than Max did (keep in mind I was 33 at the time and Max was only 6). I extended my hand. "Okay, Max, let mommy rest!" I said. She cocked her head in complete confusion. I suddenly bit my lower lip in shock. I said what I SHOULDN'T have said. I called myself the M-Word to little Max! I let myself slip up for the first time! "Mommy?" she mouthed. I suddenly brightened up. "I was joking, Max. JOKING!" She read my lips and went back to her happy-go-lucky self. As she turned I exhaled in relief. I placed my hand over my chest.

"Stupid move, Leena! Be fucking careful!" I said in Estonian. Max didn't hear me as she walked ahead. I looked behind me back towards the tree house. "Soon enough, Daniel, your ass is mine! You AND your mother's…of that you can COUNT ON!" I said menacingly. I wish I could tell him that threat face to face. I turned back around. "But, Leena Klammer, all in due time." I explained to myself.

Max motioned for me to hurry up. I was beginning to sweat as I was overheating. Not good for my make-up! I knew it would be wise to retreat indoors once more. Keeping up with Max was a chore in and of itself and for that reason at least I guess I did admire Kate for that. Motherhood would not be an easy task. But Leena Klammer has always loved a good challenge and I knew that Max would one day be grateful to her Estonian mommy! I struggled to trudge through the snow.

These shoes, this coat, they weighed me down. I lumbered towards the front door. Max opened the door and held it for me as I made my way back inside. "Why thank you, sweetheart" I thanked her kindly. "So well-mannered." I thought. Nothing like Daniel! I removed my snow shoes before stepping inside and knocked off the caked-on snow. Max shut the door behind her. She was so small. She barely stood above the height of the doorknob.

John appeared to have fallen asleep. He was the man of the house after all. He deserved to rest. "Guys have fun?" Kate asked. "Yes, mommy. Thank you!" She put her hands on her hips. "Well, if you want to eat, lunch will be ready soon." She signed the same to her daughter. "Should I take my gifts upstairs?" I asked. "Oh, they're on your bed. Your grandmother and I took them up for you." I gave thanks and excused myself. I watched as Kate took Max's coat and gingerly folded it within her arms.

Needless to say, it wasn't more than a moment or two before Max found her way to my side. "My shadow" I told her. I hugged her and stroked her hair. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Look at all these gifts you guys gave me" I complimented her. "Makes me so HAPPY!" There was no end to this child's enthusiasm as she tried to contain her energy. I decided to unpack some of these gifts. "Want to help?" I asked. She eagerly nodded.

"Your mommy's little handful" I said in Estonian. She simply shrugged as I handed her the jeans Kate had purchased. "Please put these in the dresser" I said, pointing in it's direction. Ever so obedient, Max slid out one of the wooden drawers and gently placed the jeans inside. They were of no use to me at this time. I fucked around with the cardboard box that contained the painting easel.

I had to remind myself not to start swearing in front of my daughter as I struggled to tear off the tape. Finally, the top managed to pop open. Unfortunately, it was not fully assembled. "I'll let John fuck around with it later" I thought. I placed the book on American Sign Language neatly on my desk. It was going to require a great deal of studying but it was absolutely necessary. Max took the slinky out of it's box. She looked at me almost doe-eyed.

"Do you want to play with the slinky?" I asked, pointing at her. She grinned ear to ear and nodded quickly. I nodded back in approval. She sat on the floor of my bedroom and placed it on the floor. She tilted the plaything on it's side and clapped in delight as it slinked a few feet across the floor. I shared a laugh along with her. I wish I were so easy to amuse! Max seemed so easy to please, so easy going and active. Max and I were such polar opposites though. I could be violent, unpredictable, impulsive. Personality traits that Max surely wasn't even aware existed. It was a strange combination, yes, but mommy needed her little Max at her side!

Max became transfixed in her own little world as she played. I placed the easel aside in the corner. I was ready to begin painting as soon as I could. It helped keep me stable. It was something I was NEVER allowed to do during my incarceration at the Saarne Institute. Not in a fucking million years would Dr. Varava had given me a paintbrush that I would fashion into a weapon! Those days were long, long gone now. Instead of enduring the hellish screams of other mental patients, I was greeted by the sound of a child playing peacefully in "my room", not "my cell".

I stopped to watch Max for a solitary moment. I still felt strangely awkward around her. Sure, I had been around tons of children at St. Mariana's but I was worried, and rightfully so, about just how Max might react when she knew who the REAL "ME" happened to be. That her nine year old sister was well into her adult years. A 33 year old woman who becomes her miniature mother. I asked myself how I would react if I were Max. I couldn't answer myself right at the moment. Besides, matters involving the future could wait. I was diagnosed with Anxiety problems so I was constantly worrying, worrying, worrying about shit like this. It was something I simply couldn't help.

Of course, the constant anxiety and uncertainty I always felt is not something good for a woman's health. Or for any other person for that matter. Suddenly and without warning, Kate was back. "Knock! Knock!" she said. Her perpetual smile plastered her face. Max looked up in joyous amusement but was quick to return to her own little world. "Anything wrong, mommy?" I asked. "Well, honey. There was just another thing I needed to talk about with you." I pretended to act a little frightened. "Am I in trouble, mommy?" I asked sheepishly. "Oh, no, no! Not at all" she emphasized. "But you won't like it" she grimaced.

"And that being?" I inquired. She bent over and put her hands on her knees. "Schoollllll" she answered amusingly. I sighed and looked up at her before cracking a slight smile. "Daddy and I, we still want to give you a few days to settle in but come next Mondayyyyyy" she trailed off. "It's not a big deal, mommy. It's not like I didn't have classes at St. Mariana's. I can handle it." I explained. I knew I was in for a big heaping serving of bullshit once I entered yet another public school. I knew that more taunting, more teasing, and more drama were yet to unfold for me.

"It's the same school that Daniel attends." I had to keep cracking a smile. "Fucking wonderful!" I thought. "It's for elementary and some middle school students. Although it's pretty much an elementary school" she explained further. "Mommy, please don't worry about a thing! I'll be fine, really." I simply wanted Kate to go away and leave me be. "Well, I was just hoping you and I can have some girl time and get some school shopping done tomorrow or the day after." she explained.

It took a lot of self-control and motivation to keep all this inner-hatred that I held for this woman locked up inside. "Whenever you wish, mommy. Can we bring Max along?" I inquired. "Of course", she chided. "I see she won't leave you alone for a second the way it is" she laughed. The child was experimenting with the slinky. Max could have it. Just a childish plaything after all. "I just wanted to make you aware of everything" Kate went on. I acknowledged her. "It'll work out for me. I'm not the least bit worried" I confided in her.

"Well, I'm really glad to hear that from you. I just know that everything is a big adjustment for you. Well, it is for all of us but ESPECIALLY for you" Kate emphasized. I changed up the subject. "When daddy wakes up later on, can he put together my easel for me?" I asked. "Yes, but when he wakes up. Daddy has had a long week" she explained. I smiled ear to ear. She stroked her hand through my long black hair which I had curled up. "So long as you're happy, I'm happy." Kate said. "And that makes me even more happier, mommy." I grinned.

"Lunch will be ready really soon. I mean, if you're in the mood for something." Max stood up to watch us. Kate huffed. "Well, I'll be back downstairs. Just tell me if you need anything." I let my artificial innocence shine through my otherwise cold interior. "Yes, mommy." I said softly. Kate signed to Max and spoke at the same time. "Why don't we let Esther alone so she can put all her presents away?" Max shook her head. She didn't want to leave my side for anything and that fact delighted me to no end!

Kate seemed so relaxed and laid back when it came to Max. "Well, alright, my little slinky girl" she teased her daughter. "It'll be done shortly" Kate reminded us before heading back out. She was such an utter royal pain in the ass! It's unimaginably frustrating for a grown woman to be talked down to like a child, even if that adult is simply pretending to be a child. It felt so demeaning to my soul. Max pointed to herself and then to the doorway. I wasn't quite sure what she was attempting to communicate.

"Do you want me to come downstairs with you?" I asked. She met my gaze and then skipped away. I guessed she was hungry after all. I picked up the book on American Sign Language and thumbed through the pages. I wanted to spend the next few days getting to learn what was essentially a new language for me. I knew if I took this whole journey that I was taking with the Colemans just one day at a time that I would come out on top. Learning this Sign Language was one piece of that puzzle.

"You think that hearing aid would help her hear better" I lamented out loud softly as I looked over the illustrations of the various hand signals. I knew I would do anything to grow closer to Max. I was intelligent. If a six year old could learn this than so could I. I sat down in the small white chair and practiced signing. I felt odd in doing so. It was always one problem on top of another. It wasn't little Max's fault that she was born almost completely deaf, though. I couldn't hold this inconvenience against my poor daughter. "ESTHER! Lunch is ready!" Kate shouted. I barely had any time to acquaint myself with the book.

"I'll study this shit later" I told myself, almost frustrated at the whole situation. I put my hands on the table and righted myself. Maybe it was just hearing Kate's annoying voice. It was running my blood cold! I picked up the slinky Max had been playing with and placed it atop my dresser. As I walked into the hallway I bumped straight into Daniel. He gave me a hard stare. "Move it!" he said angrily as he passed me by. His friends were no longer with him.

I was about to turn and say something but I decided it would be wise to hold my tongue. "He'll get what he has coming to him in due time. I'll gut his sorry ass like a deer!" I thought violently. I had already grown to hate him as much as his mother. I'm sure the local cemetery would have a double plot available for the two of them! He stormed into his own room and closed the door loudly behind him. Was he pissed at me or something his friends may have done? It wasn't something to worry my pretty little head off about.

I hurried down to the kitchen. Kate had prepared some vegetable soup. The odor of over cooked meat and vegetables permeated the air. I watched her as she dipped a large metal ladle into an oversized stock pot. She poured two bowls for Max and I. "Ah, there you are. Here you go, dear." The bitch handed me the bowl. "Careful, it's still hot" she forewarned me. "Looks like shit! At least Syrah knew how to cook a great meal." I told myself. Max and I sat at the table. "Where's Daniel?" Kate asked.

"In his room. He seems angry" I told her. She washed her hands off with a dish rag. "Let me see what's the matter with him" she moaned. Max was playing with her food. She dipped the spoon in and out of the bowl, letting the watery goop flow back into the bowl. "Real dog shit, isn't it?" I said in Estonian. "What?" she mouthed. "Nothing, try and eat." I told her gently. John was still knocked out on the couch. Suddenly I could hear Kate yelling at Daniel.

"You know what! What exactly is your problem, young man?" Max seemed concerned. It was that loud that even she could hear it. I cracked a very slight smile. I could take some contentment in the fact that the little dip shit was getting chewed out by his mother. Daniel said something but I couldn't make it out. "Then don't eat!" Kate reprimanded the boy. "Be arrogant, she's here to stay whether you like it or not!" she yelled.

Of course "she" must have meant me. He sure as hell better recognize that I was here to stay! "That's right, Kate. Defend Leena Klammer. Defend your worst nightmare!" I thought. She was sticking up for the very person who wanted to end her life. Isn't human ignorance amazing at times? I tasted the soup. It was salty and almost milky. A few pieces of meat floated pathetically among the soggy mass of peas and carrots. "What a disgrace of a meal" I muttered under my breath in true disgust. I forced it down anyways so as not to upset Kate.

Max looked equally disgusted. How sorry I felt for her. And John had to put up with things like this? My poor man! Max and I heard footsteps. Max quit playing with the soup and actually managed to swallow a few disgusting spoonfuls. It was only Kate. "I'm sorry about that, Esther. I really am. He gets like this a lot." Kate apologized. "Don't apologize, mommy. Boys." I laughed. "Well, now that you're here, Esther, looks like we outnumber the boys now" she said with humor. "How is the soup she asked?"

I really wanted to throw it in her face and ask her to cook it properly but of course I lied. "Delicious, really delicious, actually." Kate nodded in self-approval. Max pretended to enjoy herself. I ate the liquid disaster as quickly as possible just to get it over with. "May I please be excused, mommy?" I asked after I finished off the last of the bowl. "Wow! I wish Daniel were so polite. Of course. Feel free." she told me. I had to rush upstairs to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and got down on my knees. I placed my hands on either side of the toilet.

I gripped the porcelain as I violently vomited up the meal I had just eaten. No, I was not bulimic or anything like that. The "meal" was truly atrocious! I wiped my mouth with some toilet paper and flushed the disgusting mess down the toilet. It probably tasted better now than it had been in the bowl. "What a fucking day this is!" I said. I got up off my knees in a daze. I pulled the wrinkles out of my pink dress. I stared in the mirror at my pale reflection. "That fucking bitch made me SICK!" I hissed angrily as I removed my false teeth. I washed them free of vomit before angrily sticking them back into my mouth, covering the rotted adult teeth that were masked underneath.

My lip quivered. She had the audacity to pass that off as some kind of food? It was worse than the shit I ate at St. Mariana's or even at the orphanage in Russia! My stomach was in knots as I retreated back into the solitude of my room. I removed my make-up kit from the bottom of my closet and touched myself up. Something that always happened at least a few times a day. A good day was going bad. Not good for only my second day after arriving. I had to suppress my short temper.

The little mirror at my desk was sufficient for me to doll up my pretty little face. Those tired wrinkles always disappeared under a sea of powder and foundation. I fluffed my hair. I was letting this little incident get the better of me. I knew better than that. I HAD to know better than that if I had any chance of survival. I looked out my window.

I really didn't want to spend the rest of the day in quiet solitude. How depressing that would be. No, I would spend the balance of the day with Max. I just hoped Kate and Daniel stayed well the hell out of our ways! "Mommy!" I shouted out from my bedroom. She came out of her own bedroom. "Oh, I didn't know you were up here." I explained. "Is Max still eating?" I asked. "No, I just came up here to put my clothes away." I looked around.

"It's alright if I play with Max, right?" I asked. "Well, she has to do some homework first but afterwards, then it will be fine." I thought to myself. "Max would be allowed to do her homework whenever the hell she pleased with me." The seeds of rage were already planted and both her and her son were watering those seeds! Kate didn't even know she had just gotten me sick to begin with. I could do without food poisoning, without a trip to yet another hospital, and without the drama.

"In that case I'm going to study the Sign Language book. And mommy?" I asked. "Yes, Esther!". I smiled gratefully. "Thank you!" I bowed my knees. She put her hand gently to her mouth as she let out a delicate laugh. "You're very welcome" I decided I would wait on Max. I went back to the oversized book. I didn't even bother putting the rest of the gifts away. I simply resigned myself to quiet study.

"Why do you always work yourself up so much, Leena?" I asked. "Not today…the time will come when it will be right to break this family apart" I thought. "After all, I've got them tied around my finger…" I smiled wickedly as I hummed the "Glory of Love"…

**In the next chapter, we find Leena in her sleep, where she describes a terrible nightmare from her past before coming to America as well as a sweet dream for a future that she so desperately yearns to come true…please review and as always be sure to PM me with any feedback and suggestions you may have. Let's keep this project rolling! :D**


	34. Of Terror And Bliss

**In the last chapter, Leena settled in further on her second day home with the Colemans. Although she was delighted by the gifts she received as a surprise and her continual bonding with Max, she could not shake her rage towards Kate and her son Daniel. Now we find Leena caught between a terrible nightmare and a sweet dream for a future she continues to ever strive for…**

It was Sunday night as I lie in the warmth and stillness of my bed. Tomorrow was the start of school for me. That dreaded "first day" as children tend to call it. A 33 year old woman in third grade, sounds absurd, right?

It was nine o'clock at night and the sun had long since dipped beneath the cold Winter horizon. I went to sleep earlier than usual. Max had worn me out yet again and I was apprehensive about what the next day would bring.

My eyes were nonetheless heavy with the exhaustion of a day playing with my new daughter. MY daughter! Running through the snow and playing hide and seek. Things a mother should do with her child.

Things Kate certainly didn't seem to be doing. I let the exhaustion set into every little fiber of my being. My mind faded out. Slowly, but surely, I feel into a deep and profound sleep.

To this day the two dreams I had that night have stuck with me. This nightmare happened quite frequently but the sweet dream that followed has always stayed close in my heart. I don't know how long I was asleep before these dreams began but my recurring nightmare began to play itself out as it had so many times before. It was something that had indeed actually happened to me.

It was about three years before my arrival with the Colemans. I was locked in the darkness of my cell at the Saarne Institute. The sounds of maniacal laughter and the delusional paranoia of so many tortured minds echoed throughout the hallways.

I sat in the isolated corner on my bed, curled up into a ball, my legs tucked into my chest. My straight jacket was lying in a heap on the floor.

"Fucking damn it! That little bitch just bit me! How the fuck did she get out of that thing? Somebody didn't restrain her properly!" barked Otis, a large and burly orderly. I had indeed managed to free myself from my improperly secured straight jacket and bite the man's hand as he slid a tray of food into my cell through the slot in the door.

"Don't look at me. I haven't touched her." said another orderly. "She is not my responsibility" the same orderly continued. Suddenly I heard the familiar voice of Dr. Varava.

"Okay, now what is the problem we're having with her?" he asked very concerned. I couldn't see what was going on. I could only hear them close by within the dank hallway.

"Oh my God! Your hand, Otis! Go see the nurse, NOW! Leena is known to have had STD's. You need emergency treatment!" warned Dr. Varava. "I'm going to kill that little whore!" screamed Otis.

"You fucking wait! You hear me Leena Klammer! You're fucking DEAD!" I suddenly shot back. "Bring it on you fat bastard! Anytime, anywhere!" I dared him.

"We'll wait and see, you hear me, you hear me you tiny whore!" he shouted. He continued shouting obscenities as he was obviously being led away. "Come on now, that's no way to talk to a lady!" I mocked amusingly.

The taste of the man's blood lingered within my mouth. We never liked each other to begin with. Then again. I despised all of my captors for my cruel incarceration. Why should I have done otherwise? Dr. Varava remained calm but assertive.

"Markus, you and Johann, remove her from her cell and take her to ward H right away! We're going to have to give her drastic treatment to calm her down." he explained. "Yes, Dr. Varava" Markus said obediently. I gulped yet remained silent as Dr. Varava peered cautiously into my cell. My eyes met his within the darkness. The dim moonlight offered the only illumination into my own private hell.

I could clearly hear what they were saying. "What the fuck is on Ward H?" I screamed. "Come on and answer me!" I demanded. They refused to heed my demand. I became more nervous. Dr. Varava continued to stare within. "Doctor, what do you mean by drastic treatment?" I pleaded. I began to feel my legs quiver.

Dr. Varava averted his gaze and walked away silently. "No, Leena. Show no fear!" I begged myself. The screams of so many lunatics continued to filter into my cell. At least I was free from my straight jacket. I stood up as I heard the sudden noise of my door unlocking. It was a sound that filled me with the greatest dread.

I pinned myself against the wall. I felt like a mouse being cornered by a cat. The door suddenly open with a creak. Dr. Varava entered along with Markus and Johann. Markus held a stun gun in his hand while Johann held a plastic tie.

This was the kind of plastic tie you would use to restrain a person's hands. "Now, Miss Klammer. Let's make this easy. I want to help you to stay calm. We're going to try something different with you this time around." Dr. Varava informed me calmly but in a stern manner.

I inched my way over to the other corner of the room, my hands against the wall on either side of me. I felt a sudden panic attack coming on. I was becoming petrified by the large men. "What do you mean?" I cried. I began to shake like an Autumn leaf in a windstorm. "Leena, we don't want to hurt you. The last thing I want to do is cause harm to my patients, but you MUST come with us." the doctor warned.

I shook my head violently and collapsed into a ball in the corner. I grabbed at my hair. "NO! NO! NOOOOO! PLEASE DOCTOR! I'M SO FUCKING SORRY!" I begged. Suddenly I felt the strong hands of the two orderlies grabbing me only to force me flat onto the floor with a sickening thud.

"Stay STILL!" Johann commanded. My face became drenched in sweat. My heart raced violently, my breath quickened.

Without thinking I simply acted out of instinct. I bit Johann on the arm like a wild dog in pain. I sunk my teeth deep into his flesh. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed in shear agony.

The sound echoed violently throughout the hospital. As soon as this happened I felt an unimaginable surge of energy course through my 80 pound body.

I shook uncontrollably as my body flopped around the floor like a helpless fish that had been taken out of the water. My muscles clenched and I shook for several seconds as the intense pain coursed through every cell of my being. I let out a scream as the stun gun did what it was designed to do.

I was completely disabled and out of breath as Johann violently grabbed my hands and forced them behind my back, securing the plastic tie tightly around my wrists. "You could have gone peacefully. But no, it's always some sort of fucking game with you, IS IT?" Johann screamed.

Johann was about to strike me with his hand before Dr. Varava stepped in to diffuse the situation. "No! No! That is not how we are going to handle her" the doctor corrected him.

"But you seen what she just did?" Johann complained adamantly. "Abuse of patients is against the law and our regulations" Dr. Varava warned further. "Get Miss Klammer to her feet." he ordered. "Maybe you need another dose of the stun gun?" Markus teased so cruelly.

"NO! PLEASE! DON'T HURT ME!" I begged. I was truly terrified of what had just happened. "Then maybe a little bitch of a cunt like yourself needs to learn a little self-control" he said harshly.

The orderlie's dark eyes met mine. I cast my eyes towards Dr. Varava who met my stare before looking over to Markus. He nodded. With that gesture, the two orderlies clenched tightly onto either of my arms and literally dragged me away. I couldn't even walk under my own power at that point.

"OWWWW! OWWWWWW! STOP! YOU'RE HURTING MEEEEE!" I screamed. My cries fell on completely deaf ears. There was no stopping whatever "treatment" I was about to receive.

My legs flailed wildly as I desperately tried to break free. "Leena, please stop struggling. I promise this will all go quickly if you just cooperate" Dr. Varava tried to assure me. "FUCK YOU! Do you hear me, doctor? FUCK YOUUUU! FUCK YOU!" I hollered viciously. I was dragged down the cold emptiness of the darkened hallway. My eyes struggled to adjust as I squinted.

How could somebody who only weighed 80 pounds be capable of fighting three grown men? Nonetheless, I kicked and screamed at my captors as I was dragged further away. My knees scraped against the linoleum floor as Johann and Markus struggled with me. "Stand the hell up!" Markus ordered.

I began crying uncontrollably. "Daddy! Daddy!" I screamed for my dead father in vain. I had killed him years before yet it was him who I was now calling on to rescue me..

Such a cry I knew would go unheeded. "Miss Klammer, cooperate! Please!" pleaded Dr. Varava. I cried pathetically, like a lost child looking for their parents. "What a sight this is" Johann commented. "Johann, you go get medical assistance as well. Markus and I will take this situation from here." the doctor said.

He angrily threw my arm away. He punched the wall opposite of me in a rage over what I had done to him. The sound excited the screams and yells of the other "patients". Most uttered complete nonsense as he trudged angrily down the hallway, screaming and making angry gestures. He turned around and shot the finger at me while Markus and the doctor were not looking.

"Yeah, that's right! KEEP WALKING!" I screamed. The angry orderly turned around and kicked the wall. Dr. Varava grabbed my arm where Johann had left off and helped me up to my feet. "Let's be gentle and calm about this, Leena!" he explained. "Let me go! LET ME GO!" I continued to plead. I was as limp as a noodle and simply collapsed onto the ground.

I looked up at the incandescent light bulb glaring it's light down upon me. I stared into it as the tears stung my eyes. I collapsed onto my back and let out the sort of cry a person has when they are grieving. I was grieving for myself. For all that I had lost and all I had thrown away. "Dr. Varava. Here!" said a female voice.

Markus and the doctor struggled to keep me down. I screamed at the top of my lungs, continuing to excite the screams of the other poor souls trapped within Saarne. I looked up to see a young nurse of about 25 named Anastasia, dressed in a white nurse's uniform. She was the nurse whom I nearly stabbed to death when I managed to escape from the Saarne Institute.

"Just hold her down" she yelled. I was terrified by the large syringe she materialized. The long needle proved to be intimidating to me in my already terrified state. Anastasia bent over to administer the drug, whatever it may have been. As she bent over I spat in her face.

She shrieked and backed away in utter disgust. With one sudden burst of energy I lurched forward and kicked the woman off of her feet. She staggered down in a daze, her head colliding with the cold floor as she collapsed.

The syringe shattered on the ground alongside her. "Son of a BITCH!" she moaned. "You ain't injecting shit into me, you understand?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I continued struggling.

Dr. Varava extended his hand to Anastasia but she managed to get up on her own power. Her malice was apparent. She cracked me as hard as she could across my face. My head swung to the side by the force of the strike.

"Spit in MY face!" she said in a rage. She was about to strike again before Dr. Varava grabbed her arm. "Anastasia, now that is ENOUGH!" he warned. Anastasia shook her head in anger and squinted at me with a look of shear hate and malice.

In was of no secret that I certainly had made no friends of the staff here at the Saarne Institute. The woman's face had turned red in anger. "Anastasia, please simply follow us" Dr. Varava asked of her.

My arms seared in pain as the two men continued their tight hold on them. I felt almost completely sapped of any energy I had. What could I do? All I could do was cry. "Daddy, save your daughter!" I whispered under my breath. "Syrah, save your sister!" I muttered. Just pathetic wishes on my part.

None of the three said a word to me as I was dragged around a few corners. Ward H obviously was on the same floor as my cell as we made no elevator trips. We stopped in front of a cold, gray metal door. The paint had peeled off of it due to years of neglect.

"Anastasia, please open the door" the doctor asked. "Yes, Dr. Varava" she said obediently, like the good dog she is. She fumbled for a few moments to find the proper key and unlocked the door.

She held it open as Markus and the doctor dragged me inside. I still had no clue what I was in for. I heard Anastasia flick the light switch. My eyes struggled to adjust to the sudden surge of artificial light. The yellow walls were barren and worn.

Along the back wall was a row of cabinets hanging about five feet above the floor. The dirty tile floor had seen better days. My eyes were immediately drawn to the padded table in the center of the room. There was some sort of electrical device standing next to it. I was as confused as I was frightened.

I panted heavily between my desperate tears. "Doctor, doctor, what is this?" I pleaded in a shivering voice. "Leena, you cannot control yourself on your own. You have shown us this time and time again. So, because of that fact, we are going to try a new treatment with you." he explained.

"But what?" I asked again. "What is all this?" I said, my voice becoming more shaky. "Electro shock therapy, Leena" he explained matter of factly. My thoughts going back to what had just happened to me with the stun gun; I went into panic mode. "NO! NOOOOOO! PLEASE NOOOOO!" I shouted.

My heart was trying to jump out of my chest at this point as the terrible realization of what was about to happen to me sunk into my mind. I began to fight violently. Anastasia entered the fray in an attempt to help the two men in restraining me.

"LET ME GO!" I attempted to bite my captors. It was my only defense. This failed though as they managed to throw me violently onto the gurney. "FUCK ALL OF YOU! GO TO HELL! GO UP IN FLAMES! FUCK SAARNE! FUCK YOU! FUCCKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUU!" I screamed.

My throat was soar and hoarse as I was laid flat on my back. Anastasia proceeded to quickly cut the plastic restraints that had held my hands behind my back. I tried to roll over but was quickly held down on my back as the men held my arms outright by my wrists.

"Anastasia, strap her down!" barked Dr. Varava. Without a word and with great haste, she secured my feet with a leather strap that was attached to the table. She buckled it into place on the opposite side from which it was attached.

The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. I felt truly helpless as she put another strap right below my chest and tied it in tightly. "PLEASE DOCTOR! MAKE THIS STOP! PLEASE! I BEG YOU! PLEASE! DON'T HURT ME!" I cried further.

I found myself alternating between anger and rage and absolute fear and terror. I struggled against my restraints just like I had done with my straight jacket but it was but a fruitless effort.

"Please, Miss Klammer, listen to me" the doctor said as Anastasia fastened my hands at my sides. I was now completely immobilized. "This is going to be painful but let Anastasia give you some anesthetic It will make this whole experience easier. This will only take a few minutes and you can go back to your cell." he explained.

"GOD, NO!" I screamed. Anastasia approached me with yet another syringe filled with a clear liquid. I turned my head away and closed my eyes as I sobbed without end.

I felt her roll up my shirt sleeve. I kept my head turned away from her as she rubbed my arm with a cotton ball soaked in what I was assuming was alcohol. Then I felt the bitter sting of the needle as it pierced my flesh.

I suddenly felt a feeling a numbness permeate my body as she pushed down on the plunger. "That needle wasn't so bad" said Dr. Varava. I was completely under their control now. I stared up into the blinding light hanging from the ceiling.

Markus took his place behind me and righted my head with his hands. "PLEASE! PLEASE!" I repeated over and over. "Just stay still" Markus told me. "Open your mouth, Leena." Dr. Varava instructed. In his hand he held a piece of rubber with a long string tied to the end.

"This will keep you from biting down on your tongue." I clenched my jaw tightly and refused to give any heed to his command. "Last chance, Leena. Behave yourself and please open your jaw." the doctor warned. I shook my head in defiance.

"Very well…MARKUS!" he ordered sharply. The man suddenly placed his hand under my jaw and began trying to force it open. I tried with all of my strength to resist but the anesthetic had made me weaker.

After a brief struggle he pried my jaw open. Dr. Varava inserted the piece of rubber into my mouth via the string. He tied one end of the string to his finger so as to prevent me from swallowing the cruel mouthpiece.

"This isn't happening" I said softly. "Why me?" I asked. Without a word, almost mechanically, Anastasia began applying some sort of cold gel to either side of my head. "I'M SCARED!" I shouted. This was nothing short of the truth. Dr. Varava gently ran his hand through my hair as I looked into his eyes.

"It'll only take make two or three minutes. Then this will all be over. It is not as bad as you think it is, Leena." I couldn't speak due to the rubber mouth piece. The horrible taste of it permeated the inside of my mouth.

All I could do was wait as the doctor turned on the machine next to me. It made a menacing humming sound that only took my fear to new heights. It was large and green colored. Like everything at the Saarne Institute, it looked run down and outdated.

There were several large red buttons and voltage meters attached to it. The doctor watched the machine for a few moments as the voltage meter climbed. They were some of the longest minutes of my life.

"Anastasia, as you perform these so often, I'll let you perform the treatment on Miss Klammer" Dr. Varava told her. He looked over to me once more. "This isn't going to be as bad as you think, Leena. Again, just trust me."

I could feel two metal rods touching either side of my head where the gel had been applied. Anastasia hovered menacingly above me. I closed my eyes and bit down hard on the rubber mouthpiece. "Ready, Miss Klammer?" the doctor asked. Something inside me told me he genuinely cared for my well-being.

"Then on the count of three, Leena. The treatment will commence." There was a brief silence. "Three…two…one!", with that I felt my muscles tense up as an incredibly painful surge of electricity coursed through me like a battery.

My body arched upwards against my leather restraints, causing even more pain. I bit down with force against my mouthpiece. I let out a moan of agony during the three second jolt. The surge of energy suddenly stopped and my body relaxed.

"Your doing good, Leena. Just hang in there with us" the doctor assured me. I was left to lie there for about 30 seconds or so. I felt so violated and so dirty. "Here we go". I clenched my fists tightly in the horrid anticipation. "Three…two…one"…yet again another brutally painful blast of electricity coursed it's way through my tiny body.

This time the "treatment" lasted for only two seconds. As this second burst of electricity ended I suddenly lost control of my bladder and urinated myself uncontrollably. I looked to my left to see Markus standing a few feet away, his hands folded in front of him, an emotionless expression on his worn face.

I was looking for solace and comfort from even my tormentors at this point. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I felt more like an animal in a laboratory than a human being. "We'll clean that up" said the doctor soothingly.

"Just one more time, Leena. This is going to be more intense than the last two but it will be shorter. Here we go" he said. My terrifying screams were muffled by the mouthpiece as he counted down. "Three…two…one"…

I let out a loud gasp as I suddenly sat up. I looked around nervously only to find myself in the warm confines of my bed. I was in a cold sweat. The sudden realization sank in that I was here with the Colemans. "Just a nightmare, Leena. It all happened so long ago!" I told myself. My breathing was labored and my heart raced as I tried to come back to reality.

Yes, what I dreamt about really did happen to me yet so traumatized was I that I continued to have nightmares about the experience. What one might see as the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I sat up straight and placed a hand on my forehead.

I looked to my left. A thunderstorm had made it's way over the land. The flashes of lightening illuminating my room. The foreboding shadows of the bare trees shaking violently within the wind cast their unworldly shadows upon the walls.

After that horrible nightmare I needed legitimate comfort if I were to go back to sleep. After all, I had a new kind of "torture" awaiting me in the morning when I began the humiliation of a 33 year old woman starting her "first day" of third grade. I came up with a quick and easy plan.

I quietly got out of bed and stretched. I turned on the bedroom light just to make sure my makeup was okay. My eyes struggled to adjust as I looked myself over. Seeing that I was in good shape I turned off the light and made my way over to little Max's room.

I made sure nobody was around despite the fact that everyone was obviously now in bed. I made my way over to her door. I looked over my shoulder one final time as I turned the doorknob and gently pushed the door open. I walked in to find my little sunbeam fast asleep despite the noise and clatter of the violent storm.

Surely she wasn't haunted by the terrifying nightmares that constantly gripped my tortured mind. I stared down at her blankly in my long white nightgown. My face remained expressionless as the lightning illuminated my body. It was simply due to the fact that the terror of my nightmare was still with me.

She was facing away from me so I walked quietly around her bed so that I could face her. I bent over and gently placed my hand on her shoulder. I shook her with only the gentleness a mother could provide.

"Max! MAX! Wake up, daughter!" I said gently. I obviously knew she wouldn't hear that. Max made a tiny moaning sound as she rubbed her eyes. She righted herself with her elbow as I got down on my knees. I let her take a few moments as she reached over for her hearing aid. She placed it into her left ear.

"What is it, Esther?" she mouthed. I brushed her hair aside and talked into her ear. "I'm scared of the thunder and lightning. Would you like the come sleep with mommy and daddy with me?" I spoke into her hearing aid.

She became a little more cheery and nodded her head. "Good girl. Then let's go", I signed. Max seemed delighted that I had learned a bit more sign language. I uncovered the blanket from her as she stretched herself out.

"I didn't mean to wake you" I said into her ear. She nodded in understanding. Like a loyal pet, I knew she would always do as I told her. After all, like mother, like daughter. The two of us made our way over to John and Kate's bedroom.

I thought I heard the sounds of their love making as I stood in front of their door. I knocked insistently. "YEAH!" Kate shouted in surprise. I quietly opened the door with Max in tow. Kate rolled off of John as if nothing was going on.

"We're scared of the lightning" I explained shyly. "Oh! Come in!" said John, ever exhausted. I approached quickly. "I want to sleep next to daddy" I asked excitedly. "Hang on" said John as his wife laughed.

Max climbed into bed next to her mother while I climbed in next to my man. At least I didn't have to sleep next to Kate. I could pretend, at least for tonight, that I was in bed with my husband.

I climbed underneath the covers and wrapped my arms around his naked chest. A content smile crept across my face. I wondered how Kate would feel knowing that another woman was in bed with her man? That made me want to laugh in hysterics.

The lightning continued to flash through the windows as the storm lingered on outside. It was only a matter of a few peaceful moments before I drifted off into sleep once again.

I don't know how long I was asleep before I started dreaming once more. The dream was as vivid as the nightmare I had just experienced, but was in total contrast to it in substance. I found myself in a complete fantasy. One I had hoped would come true for so many years now. I was arm in arm with John.

I was physically the same size as I am. The difference was that John now knew who I really was and accepted me as a lover and not an adopted daughter. It was an outdoor wedding ceremony. I found myself adorned in a beautiful white satin dress that flowed so gracefully behind me that exposed my shoulders. The kind any bride would be proud to wear.

John was dressed smartly in a black tuxedo as we walked hand in hand down the aisle together. A red carpet was laid out before us for the bride and groom. I brushed the wedding veil away from my face as I watched the dozens of spectators who had come out to witness my big day. Each dressed to their finest. Each smiling as if they wished the best for the two of us.

"Are you ready, my love?" John asked, looking down at me. "Yes, yes I am" I told him in tears. At this point I knew I was dreaming but I hoped it would never end.

"Here Comes the Bride" played with such beautiful melody over an unseen organ as we walked slowly to the altar with all eyes glued happily on us. A priest in a long white robe stood at the front clutching a Bible in his hand. It bore a striking resemblance to the one I had taken with me when I escaped from the Saarne Institute. To my delight, neither Kate nor Daniel were anywhere to be found amongst the onlookers.

"This is the perfect day" I whispered to myself. I held John's hand. I hadn't felt so free in my entire life, even after escaping from Saarne. The impossible had now seemed to have become possible! As we quietly yet emotionally made our way to the altar to exchange the most solemn of vows, I glanced to my left.

I noticed both Syrah and little Max standing side by side. They looked so wonderfully beautiful in their finery. Their smiles warm, bright, and eternally loving of the person whom I was.

Both wore the long full length pink dresses that bridesmaids would wear, and like mine, the dresses exposed the shoulders. They wore tiaras of pink and white flowers upon their heads with little green leaves entwined throughout.

They held the most exquisite bouquets of colorful flowers within their hands and around their necks they wore the most beautiful sparkling pearl necklaces.

I couldn't get over how graceful and elegant they looked. I never seen my sister so happy in her life. For the first time, I heard Max's voice in my sweet slumber. "Mommy!" she yelled in excitement as she ran from her aunt Syrah with her arms outstretched.

I knelt down and hugged my new daughter in my warm embrace. "It has all come true, Leena!" I told myself. I gave Max a kiss and thanked God for everything I had been given.

"Mommy loves you so much Max. More than Kate ever did!" I told her emphatically. She smiled at me in joy. Syrah placed a hand over her mouth. Her emotions had overtaken her as she watched the most wonderful day of her sister's life finally unfold. I smiled at Syrah as I rubbed Max's back. "Let's not leave the minister waiting honey", John beckoned.

"Go back to aunt Syrah, my little one. Daddy and I need to tie the knot first!" I assured her. She skipped over to my sister and grabbed onto her hand in the joy of the occasion, her little pink dress rusting within the gentle warmth of the Spring breeze.

The bright blue sky reflected the calm and clarity I felt within my mind and soul as I listened to the wonderful song of the birds as they chirped along in peaceful soliloquy.

John nodded his head as if to tell me he made the right choice. I knew he would never leave me, or hit me, or scream at me, or be unfaithful with me. I knew I had found the right "one".

I was suddenly taken aback as an unknown woman of middle aged approached me and handed me a delicate bouquet for myself. Her countenance was warm and affectionate. I thanked her as the big moment got under way.

The priest, in his formal robes, adjusted his glasses as he read from the book he held within his hands. "Today we bring together in the sight of both our Almighty God and those who are assembled before us this wonderful afternoon, the union of two loving individuals who in mutual agreement wish to be brought together in Holy Matrimony."

I glanced up at John as he looked straight ahead. He clutched my hand gently within his own. I glanced over slightly to my sister who was no more than ten feet away. "I love you" she mouthed silently. I smiled at her in acknowledgment. "I love you too", I whispered quietly. Max bit her lower lip in the anticipation of being part of this picture perfect day,

The priest continued on with the ceremony. "We gather also to support this beloved couple in their devotion and eternal commitment to one another, both now and forever. If anybody objects to as to why this couple should not marry, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Of course, nobody objected as I became almost shaky in the knees. "With that having been said, Mr. Coleman, do you have the ring?" He reached into his tuxedo pocket and materialized the gold ring which was to seal our love.

He gently took my hand and slid it onto my tiny finger. I smiled in such glee. "And Mrs. Klammer? Do you have the ring?" I nodded as I opened the hand John had been holding to reveal the gold ring intended for his finger.

With grace, I gently took his hand and slid the ring onto it. I struggled a little bit and the audience laughed along with me as I finally managed to wiggle it into place. "Mr. Coleman, repeat after me." said the priest.

"I, John Coleman. Take Leena Klammer". John took a deep breath "I, John Coleman. Take Leena Klammer.. The priest continued. "As my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold. To love and protect, to nurture and to cherish".

John sounded so confidant as he repeated the priest's words. "As my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold. To love and protect, to nurture and to cherish". The priest went on. "Through sickness and through health. Through richer or poorer. Until death do us part." John looked deeply into my eyes. "Through sickness and through health. Through richer or poorer. Until death do us part." Now it was my turn to exchange vows.

"Mrs. Klammer, if you will, please repeat after me." the priest instructed. "I, Leena Klammer. Take John Coleman." I swallowed before speaking. "I, Leena Klammer. Take John Coleman." The priest went on, "As my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold. To love and protect, to nurture and to cherish."

I could hardly believe this was happening as the words poured from my mouth. "As my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold. To love and protect, to nurture and to cherish."

The priest finished. "Through sickness and through health. Through richer or poorer. Until death do us part." I was now just a sentence away from completing my vow! "Through sickness and through health. Through richer or poorer. Until death do us part."

I felt on the verge of fainting. By this time I had forgotten that I was dreaming. Everything was so vivid from the colors to the sounds. I listened on as the priest sealed our sacred commitment to one another.

"With these vows being exchanged, by the authority of Almighty God and that which has been given to me by the State of Connecticut. I hereby pronounce you man and wife!" The sound of clapping caused the birds to fly high above us as John and I faced each other.

My left hand within his right and his right within my left. No longer did I bother to hide my scars with those red velvet ribbons. My scars were now exposed for all to see. And nobody judged me for them.

My eyes moved away from my scars to John's handsome face as he lifted my wedding veil. I could hear Syrah crying uncontrollably. For an orgasmic moment of bliss, his lips met mine…"

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I was startled awake in a jolt as I was so rudely awakened by the damn alarm clock. My heart suddenly dropped with my dream having been so cruelly shattered. It then sank with the sudden and definite realization that today was going to be a tough one for me.

I was a such a very long ways away from that beautiful wedding day. Kate must have turned off the clock as I moaned and groaned. The sun had already risen slightly, the rays irritating my eyes.

John and I sat upright. I gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. At least that wasn't a dream. "Good morning daddy" I chided peacefully. He yawned, "Good morning, pumpkin. Ready for your big day?" he asked me.

I shook my head. "Not really" I told him. He sighed but otherwise remained quiet. "Wake up Max. Come on, wake up!" said Kate as Max moaned pathetically in her sleep.

Perhaps she was having her own sweet dreams that she never wanted to end. The child covered her eyes with her arm as she arose from her own little dreamland. I was disgusted by Kate's voice.

Her voice was just one of those things that continued to make my skin crawl every time I heard it. John crawled past me and made his way to the bathroom as I was left alone with Max and Kate.

"And good morning, Esther." Kate said with a brisk smile. "Good morning mommy" I said in a grumbling tone of voice. She kind of smirked at me. "Guess your not a b_ig _fan of school today, now are ya?" she teased. As if I need it piled on any more! "Don't worry. Like I said I'm not that worried about it." I explained.

I tried to avoid any eye contact with her. Perhaps she would see something in my tired eyes that would give me away. Perhaps she would see the contempt and hatred that I felt for her. Such strong emotions that were better left undetected, at least for the time being.

I clutched my fists in anger while her back was turned. Not just anger towards Kate, but the anger with the realization that I had such a long way to go to achieve the dream I had just enjoyed.

Max was ever sluggish as she almost literally rolled out of bed. "Oh, you be careful there Max." Kate said laughing. Kate turned her back again from me and I silently mocked her laughter, my facial expressions showing the utter contempt I held for her.

Max immediately smiled when she finally noticed me. I was quick to offer her a loving hug. I kissed the top of her head. "Good morning my little sister. Did you sleep okay? The thunderstorm didn't scare you too bad, did it now?" I asked.

Little Max looked at me with a sense of confusion as she wasn't wearing her hearing aid. Kate signed what I said to her daughter. Max turned back around to me and nodded happily. Her grin was so precious to me.

Still, I knew I would need to use Max to my advantage when and where possible if I were to achieve what needed to be achieved, as cruel as that may sound.

Such thoughts, as true as they rang to me, were of little concern today. Today would be a tough lesson for me. I hung my head low as Max trudged out of the room. The entire core of my being just wanted to lie in bed. To close my eyes only to open them and find myself still standing at that illustrious altar. "Come on downstairs so we can have breakfast:" Kate told me.

"I have butterflies in my tummy, mommy. I'm really not very hungry. So long as that doesn't make you angry." I told her, feigning the worry of a disobedient child. Kate became a little star eyed for a moment. "Well, um, okay. I mean I understand with today and school and everything." she said extending her hand in front of her in gesture.

Like I said before, her cooking was shit and I really didn't care much to eat anything that came out of her oven or frying pan. I just wanted to loathe about within my room and prepare myself for the inevitable.

It was just another trial and tribulation I would have to endure. I passed John as he exited the bathroom and gave him a warm smile and a nod. "Remember, Leena. it's him and Max. Those are the people you're doing this for!" I reminded myself.

I went back to my bedroom and shut the door. My blanket and sheets still a disheveled and unorganized mess. In my half asleep state, my thoughts began to drift to the taunts and jeers I would receive from so many unrecognizable faces today.

Those little piss head children who didn't know who they were dealing with. A woman who would be more than capable of putting them in their place. What else could I expect, though? I was always "different", after all.

Oh, but to think of sweet little Max and my handsome John. I was enduring this all for them. One day they would both understand. At least I hoped for that. Today would just be another harrowing experience in the life of Leena Klammer…or should I say Esther Coleman…

**In the next chapter, "Esther" starts her first day at school and nevertheless has to endure the cruel reality of the situation she finds herself in. But it is during lunch time of her first day at school that she sees a familiar face that just might stir up some old wounds for Leena. Please keep reading and reviewing XD! Your reviews and messages are always delightful! I'm trying to put these chapters out as quickly as possible for your enjoyment! :D**


	35. Of Tribulations and Triumphs

**In the last chapter, we found Leena caught between a nightmare about her past and a sweet dream for a future she desperately hopes to come true. Now we find her getting ready for her first day at a new school, She will soon be in for quite a shock with who she meets in school that day…**

I was caught up in my own anxiety in the quiet of my bedroom. "I cannot believe this shit! I really have to go through this today! Please tell me I'm still dreaming!" I lamented softly beneath my breath. I had just gotten dressed for my first day of school and was now making the bed I had abandoned for John's arms the night before.

I thought about the hassle I would be in for. The stares. The cruel laughter. I knew I was going to be in over my head this morning. I almost wanted to cry out in frustration.

I wanted to scream out to God, if in fact one existed. I wanted desperately to understand why my whole life seemed to be a gigantic curse. Yes, I was in a new household. I was far better off than I had been but the obstacles that I knew I had to face sometimes seemed to be too much for one woman to bear.

"Like you told yourself before, Leena. You're doing this all for John and Max. Just face the day and be strong." I reminded myself. I looked outside, the sunlight offered the inviting promise of a new day to everyone else in the household except for myself.

Although the violent thunderstorm of last night had long since subsided, the storm in my mind and soul never seemed to end. "Third grade? THIRD GRADE! You gotta be shitting me." I mumbled some more. I just couldn't get myself over this fact.

I was angry and upset. I honestly felt in a deep pit of brooding hopelessness. I sat down with a thud at my vanity desk. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. I felt as ridiculous as I must have looked in the dress I had chosen for myself.

I glanced down at the pathetic red ribbons lying before me. Always covering up the constant reminders of my past. I fastened the red ribbons around my wrists. These ribbons always were a mute yet true testament of a time that was far worse for me.

I suddenly got the courage to look at my own reflection. "You're so ugly, Leena. You know that? You disgust me to no end!" I told myself out loud. "You better damn well have a plan very soon if you're going to win him over." I became a little watery eyed. Of course, "him" referred to my John.

I continued to isolate myself from the rest of the family as I continued to worry about the day ahead. I rung my hands in the awful anticipation. Every moment seemed to be an uncomfortable eternity. It wasn't long though before I was forced to face the inevitable.

"Esther!" I heard Kate call from downstairs. I felt a cold shiver at the small of my back. "Fuck you Kate! FUCK YOU!" I muttered in anger although I wished I could do nothing more than shout it to her face. I was being forced to submit to her will. To submit to her beck and call.

I fastened the larger ribbon around my neck. "Esther", she shouted once more. I took my time. Seeing her and Daniel, their ugly faces. Every passing glance at them only filled me with more disgust. "Esther, come on we gotta go." she yelled.

I glared menacingly at my own reflection in the mirror. I held my breath for one last solitary moment before leaving, making sure to close my door behind me. What choice did I have? I had no choice but to make my way down the hallway to face her from the top of the stairs.

"You have got to be kidding me" Daniel remarked. The little smartass, like his mother, was nothing more than a constant thorn in my side. "WHOA!" exclaimed Kate. I remained expressionless, almost cold even, as I ambled down the stairs. Daniel and Max burst out into laughter. I was genuinely hurt by Max taking pleasure in my obvious discomfort.

"Uhhh, could you please go wait in the car?" Kate told the pair. Max bit her lower lip and giggled in hysterics along with her brother before they jolted out of the house. Kate stopped me before I could reach the bottom of the stairs.

I knew the frilly, crème colored dress I was wearing was nothing short of ridiculous. The oversized ruffled skirt and the large, frilly collar made me stand out like a sore thumb. "Um, uh, sweetheart. This isn't really a school dress" she tried to reason with me.

I pinched the sides of my dress. "But I like it, don't you think it's pretty?" I asked quietly, running my hands down the front. I could barely say that with a straight face!

"Oh, yes, it's soooo beautiful. I just don't think you would be comfortable in it. What about those jeans that I bought you?" I really wasn't in the mood for any argument. I remained cool and collected.

"You're afraid that the other children are going to laugh at me, aren't you? I thought that you said that there isn't anything wrong with being different?"

Ah, those words I uttered to Kate when we first met at St. Mariana's. They suddenly seemed to strike a bell within her. She shook her head in understanding. "Yes, you're right, you're absolutely right, okay…have fun!" she said with a smile. Her nervous chuckle that followed showed her concern. I made my way past her in a hurry.

"Wait, Esther! You're coat!" I stopped in my tracks. I was wearing a rather old fashioned purple over shirt on top of my dress which I figured would keep me warm enough. Kate insisted though as she held the blue overcoat out in front of me. "Hurry, Esther. Put it on or we're going to be late."

"Yes, mommy" I sighed. I slid the overcoat over my body. She watched me with her arms crossed, as if I were about to disobey her. My stomach almost ached with horrid apprehension as I took that first step out of the house.

The hazy sunlight burned my eyes as I watched Kate lock the front door behind her. Once again this was just another surreal moment for me. I felt lower than a dog as I approached the SUV. I trudged along the wet asphalt with my head hung low.

Kate immediately took notice to this. She put her hand on my back and tried to gently reassure me. "Now Esther, everybody hates the first day of starting at a new school. But think of all the friends you'll make and the fun you'll have. Just take it easy." I stopped for a brief moment.

Without saying a word I walked away from my enemy. I wouldn't tolerate her hand on me for any reason. I knew I could hold my own against a bunch of little shit heads. I told myself again and again that there was nothing to be afraid of. Why was a woman known for her violent side so frightened over something that was so silly? I looked up.

Daniel was in the front while Max was fastened into her booster seat in the back. "Sit next to Max." Kate ordered. There I go again using the word "ordered". Whenever she told me to do something I felt like a slave to her, no matter how mundane the request happened to be.

Kate was kind enough to open the door for me. I climbed in silently and looked over into the eyes of my little Max. I could tell she was still a little amused from just a moment earlier. That didn't stop me from reaching over and giving my daughter a kiss on the forehead. I stroked her hair a few times. Kate smiled at the sight of this as she backed out of the driveway.

"So do we drop Max off first?" I asked of Kate. "Um, no Esther. You and Daniel and then Max" she explained. "She starts at a different school a little later on". Max signed to me. I had learned enough over the past few days in hours of feverish study of my Sign Language book to finally begin making out what she was saying.

She pointed at me. "Why do you keep dressing like that?" she asked. Once again, I felt hurt to my core. I frowned as her words set it. Kate suddenly batted Max's wrist. "No, Max, don't be rude to Esther!" she said sternly, pointing a rigid finger at her youngest child. Her eyes sharp with a mother's discipline. "It's okay, mommy. Really." I reassured her.

"My little sister is so full of questions after all" I said, trying to give Max an excuse for indeed having been rude to her new mommy. I knew deep inside that the girl meant no real harm to me, unlike Daniel, who already seemed to be on some sort of mission to make me as miserable as possible.

Kate turned back around, shaking her head as she pulled out onto the deserted road. "Still in all, Esther. I just want you to feel comfortable honey. Right Daniel?" she said. Daniel remained motionless and speechless. "Yoohoo, Daniel!", Kate teased as she waved a hand over the front of his face.

"Please mom, I'm not in the mood" he snapped back. For a brief second he glared back at me. His eyes meeting mine. I gave him an almost wicked smile. He was clearly repulsed. Again, I told myself to fear nothing.

"Who gives a shit what a third grader thinks of you, Leena? Remember what happened so long ago when Samantha fucked with you? She got the business end of a blade. You're not going to let yourself become a punching bag for ANYONE!" I thought confidently. I felt my heart almost glow with this realization.

If I could survive six years in a mental hospital than this would be cakewalk. After all, I had to go through the same thing with the Sullivans. Maybe my fear came from the fact that I might not be able to control myself should the envelope be pushed to far with me. Maybe it was my fear of being rejected, even being rejected by a child who I didn't even know.

Kate whistled to herself. I could tell she was trying to do nothing more than to cheer me up. Max looked over to me as we drove along. We shared a warm smile before she asked me what must have been on her mind. "You're scared?" she signed. "Why, do I look it?" I signed in return, saying the words ever so quietly as I did so.

Kate's eyes reflected in the rearview mirror as she was inquisitive as to the nature of our conversation. I shrugged. "I guess I am scared a little bit" I explained. "Good", said Daniel. He must have overheard me. "Knock it off NOW!" Kate reprimanded in anger. She hit her hand in emphasis on the steering wheel.

"Not today, not on her first day! Do not make things harder for Esther!" she warned. I knew the little bastard would be in for it deep if he continued trying to harass me. All I had to do was cry on "mommy's" shoulder and he'd likely get an ass kicking. I took his words seriously and I knew he was itching to play a dangerous game with me.

I watched the trees, so barren of their leaves, as we drove on. Children skipped happily as we passed. Surely they would take unbridled joy in making my life a living hell.

"What choice do I have?" I lamented in solitary thought, my hands folded ever so neatly in my lap. Max was full of excitement. I was at least happy that my little angel, my precious Max, was going to have a much better day than I was.

My thoughts turned to John. I knew John was thinking about me. I knew he worried about my well being today. Just having that knowledge would help carry me through the day. We soon pulled up to a brown brick building. I clammed up and adverted my gaze. The children played and frolicked. I almost wanted to become invisible to them.

Kate put the car in park. A lone crossing guard stood in front of us directing and endless stream of little brats. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the sight. Kate turned around to face me. "Oh. NO!" Kate whined.

"What is it, mommy? Something wrong?" I asked. "You're book bag, we forgot it! We had all your paper and pencils in there" That was now the least of my concerns. "This is what happens when we get into a hurry" she pointed out.

"Demon woman" I thought. "Not a problem, I don't have any books yet after all." I told her. "Well, let's not have this happen tomorrow, Esther. It'll look bad to your teacher." I nodded. Daniel was quick to take off and get as far away from me as possible. He didn't even bother saying goodbye to his mother as he ran to go look for his friends.

"That boy, I swear sometimes!" Kate complained. She turned to face me and handed me a five dollar bill. "That is for lunch. Put it in your pocket. Now Esther, remember, Room 200, Mrs. Clemmons. That is your Third Grade teacher." I nodded some more. Kate reached over and put her hand underneath my chin.

I feigned a smile for my foe. "Now don't you worry about a thing sweetheart. Like I said just try to have fun and everything will work out alright. Okay, dear?" I looked over at Max and then back to Kate.

"I'll survive, mommy." Kate seemed a little relived. I turned back to Max. "Well, Max. Looks like I'll be seeing you later." I gave her a hug. I felt her tiny arms wrap around my neck in a return of affection. "I know it's going to be hard, Esther. But please pay attention to your teacher today and try your best. That's all daddy and I ask of you."

"Certainly, mommy." With that being said, I opened my door. "Have a great first day sweetheart. I'll pick you and Daniel up at 3" I managed another artificial smile. "Thank you for everything, mommy. Take care."

I blew a kiss to my little Max before closing the door. "I love you!" Kate shouted as I walked away. I didn't bother to acknowledge her. After all, the only way I was ever going to love this woman was when she was buried in the ground where she belonged.

I weaved my way through the endless sea of students. Daniel was nowhere to be found. He had melted in with all these other mindless drones. Seeing the cold brick building gave rise to the sudden urge to want to run. To run back into the arms of John and be comforted once more. But I had to face the music today.

Nobody bothered to bat an eyelash at me as I walked up to the entrance. I was the only girl frowning amongst so many happy smiles. This school was no more welcoming to me than the Saarne Institute. However today would play out, I knew I would endure it with a bold inner strength. I wasn't going to back down from anyone or anything.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I walked inside and into a cavernous hallway. Only a few children were here indoors at the moment. My eyes darted to and fro. I passed one room after the other. "Just take it all in stride, Leena. All in stride.".

I wandered around slowly for a few moments before coming to a crossroads in the hallway. "What the hell? Left or right?" I went left and four rooms down I came across my new home for six hours a day, Room 200, Mrs. Clemmons.

The door was wide open with the anticipation of a crowd of young minds studying within. I peered inside, not making my presence known. A middle aged woman with golden auburn hair was busy washing down the classroom windows. She was the only other person besides myself in the classroom The smell of the chemicals she was using filled in the air with a slightly noxious vapor.

The room was a bare white color. Various posters and knick knacks were hung on the walls. "See Leena, what the hell are you working yourself up for?" I reasoned. I knocked gently on the wall. The woman turned around with a slight startle as I removed my overcoat.

Immediately, as one might guess, her eyes were glued to my choice of fashion. I tried to pretend not to notice. "Hello, Mrs. Clemmons?" I asked. "Yes, and you would be…?" she said squinting. "Leena…" I froze up. I corrected myself. "Esther Coleman" She suddenly became very cheerful.

"Leena does not exist within these walls" I had to remind myself. "Ah, yes! Our new student! May I take your coat?" she asked. "Most definitely", I gingerly handed it to her. "Let me just hang this up for you, dear" She placed my coat inside of a closet for the time being. "I know this is all really hectic for you today, Esther. Please follow me though." she beckoned with her finger.

"We have to be quick with getting you started because class begins in only a few minutes" she explained as she led me out of the classroom. "I want to be the first to welcome you to Herbert Hoover Elementary School" she said in exaggerated excitement as we made a fast pace down the hallway. "Oh, thank you! I'm very happy to be here although my mommy thinks I'm nervous."

The woman tried her best to comfort me, much like Kate had attempted. "Well, Esther. There's nothing to be scared about. It's your first day, I know. We both have a lot to learn about each other. But then again what kid likes their first day? I'll help make today easy for you." Mrs. Clemmons certainly had a strange motherly quality about her that I suddenly found myself admiring.

"My mommy said the same thing to me. That no kid likes their first day, but I'll be alright. I've done this before" I told her. That incited a bit of a laugh from her.

As we walked, I could tell that some of her words were merely a smokescreen. She damn well knew that today was going to be anything but easy for me. I could tell she was trying her hardest not to stare at my clothing. I'm sure she was questioning it. Questioning why I wanted to stand out in such a profound manner. Could I place blame on her for that?

We stopped in front of a small, nondescript room. "This is where we keep all of the textbooks. Just wait here for a few moments while I gather what you need." I tried to keep a smile on my face. Always trying my best to put on the best possible impression when meeting new people.

That quickly faded as a small group of girls passed by. The eyed me up and down in amusement. They covered their mouths and giggled amongst themselves as they passed me. They didn't even bother to hide their cruelty from me. "Just turn around and ignore them" I told myself. I felt my muscles tense. "Come on already" I complained silently. The familiar lump in my throat had returned.

It was the accumulated fear I had been suppressing for so many days. I wondered if I would be attacked today. Would I be forced to retaliate when all I wished to do was be left alone in peace?

I jumped as a sharp, loud ring sounded throughout the hallway. I placed my hand over my chest and took a deep breath. The bell was a few feet over my head as it clattered away noisily for a few brief seconds. The school bell was more like the fight bell at a boxing match to me. Today would be "Round One".

Mrs. Clemmons obviously seen how startled I had become. "Just first day jitters" she assured me. "It's only the school bell." she added. "Yeah, no shit Sherlock" I thought. I looked up at her as she extended several textbooks to me. I remained silent as I took them into my tiny hands.

Innocently enough, I held the books over my chest. The hallway was quickly flooded with hundreds of kids. I stood as stiff as a pillar as the herd of students passed by to and fro. I looked to the end of the hallway, my eyes became out of focus as I realized where I was. It was still a hard and bitter pill for me to swallow.

Boys and girls began pouring into Mrs. Clemmons classroom. "I'm going to introduce you myself, Esther. The kids have known since last week that you were coming. Just take it easy today. Don't even worry about paying attention" I raised my eyebrows and smiled ear to ear, clutching pathetically onto my books.

I felt awkward, I was continuing to allow myself to be intimidated by children. I could make out the voices of countless individuals. The laughter. The talking. I felt that they were all directed towards me even though nobody seemed to notice my pathetic existence. Some of the students bumped into me inconspicuously. I averted my gaze down onto the cold floor.

I felt like I had been caught in the middle of a cattle drive but before long the students had made way to their respective teachers. A day full of lessons awaited them. I don't need to write again about what I knew I was in for. I stood with my back against the wall next to the open classroom door.

I could hear the clatter of books being opened on desks and the sounds of children milling about as I awaited my "introduction". I wished I could simply press a button to make me disappear. I felt like a poor prisoner awaiting their own execution. I looked up at the ceiling. Some of the paint was beginning to peel pathetically from the plaster.

I focused on this insignificant aspect. It was all I could do to keep my mind off of the moment. "Esther? Come on in, Esther!" harkened Mrs. Clemmons. I came back down to reality. "Just follow me. Don't be scared a bit." I refused to speak. "Stupid Leena, you're an adult. Take fucking charge of your fear!" I could feel myself screaming at the top of my lungs within the recesses of my tortured mind.

At least nobody could hear me within those dark recesses. All I could do now was take a step into the classroom. The children were making all sorts of noise as they quickly settled into their seats.

I followed behind the woman, doing my best not to make any eye contact with the children. She gently scolded her students. "Please, PLEASE take a seat! Don't make me ask again please!" She shot straight to the point. "Okay, today we have a new student. Her name is Esther Coleman and I'd like you all to make her feel very welcome today."

I smiled brightly at the classroom of children, scoping each of them out. I had absolutely no way of telling who would be friend or foe. My attention was immediately drawn to a little brat with curly brown hair in a gray hoodie.

She whipped out a cell phone. "Oh look, Little Bo Peep text me, she wants her outfit back!" The wicked smile she gave me only assured me of the coming tribulations that were in store for me. The crowd erupted in laughter as the smile instantly melted from my face. The student next to her slapped her hand. "Good one!" she complimented.

I was stunned by the fact that the damn teacher didn't do a thing to reprimand the girl. I kept my eyes fixed on the little terror as I walked to the back of the room. My head turned to meet her eyes. Ever isolated and lonely, I took a seat.

Every moment I glanced around the room it seemed that somebody's eyes were fixed on me. I now knew that these children intended for me to be little more than a punching bag for their games. Under no circumstances could I allow such a thing to go unpunished. If I suffered than EVERYBODY would suffer!

I would soon learn that this girl was named Brenda. Apparently she seemed to be the class clown. As if Daniel wasn't bad enough. I couldn't focus on anything other than ways I wished to hurt this little bitch. I silently put my head down on the hard surface of the desk.

I buried my head underneath my arms. "Great, she's just another Allison I'll have to put in their place" I thought despondently. At least for now I would be left the hell alone. "She better know her place or her parents are going to be attending her funeral" I thought viciously. I wasn't scared to bring a weapon to school and certainly not scared to use it if I had to.

These evil thoughts were tempered by the fact that becoming violent could blow away every wonderful dream that I yearned to come true. That everything I had been working towards could be thrown out in one careless moment. I let my mind go blank. I wasn't about to work myself up anymore.

I fell asleep soon after. The teacher obviously didn't seem to mind. She understood all too well my predicament. The hours must have passed quickly. I was awakened by the shrill sound of the school bell. My head shot up from my arms. My eyes darted every which way.

The children seemed excited for a break in their studies. I squinted as I allowed my eyes to adjust. I looked up at the clock above Mrs. Clemmons desk. It was 12:30. I watched Mrs. Clemmons take her leave. I stood up and stretched while keeping my eyes peeled for Brenda. I caught a brief glance of her by the doorway as she looked over in my general direction.

I decided I would ignore her for the time being. Maybe I was strong enough to let her smartass comment slide off of me. I wasn't sure if it was time for lunch or time for recess. I decided to follow the mass of my pupils. Brenda ran ahead in a hurry to catch up to her classmates.

I trudged along. Everything was so unfamiliar to me. There was not a face that I could recognize. In just a few minutes though, that would all change! The children raced past me until I came to the cafeteria. It turned out that the cafeteria was in what was also the auditorium A large stage was towards the back. The smell of cooked meat filled the air. I watched as the students clamored for a place in line.

My eyes locked onto the American flag which hanged prominently above the stage. It reminded me of how far away from my native Estonia I had sojourned. The noise was deafening. Children teased one another and tossed food back and forth. "This place is like a fucking zoo!" I said aloud. I was starving. I realized that I should have eaten breakfast.

"Son of a bitch!", I came to the realization that my lunch money was in my coat pocket as I glanced at the price chart. I made haste. The sounds of the children grew weaker as I retraced my steps. Still, needless to say I soon found myself lost in this unfamiliar school.

I was in no hurry as I tried to acquaint myself with my new surroundings. Everything looked so dull. So drab. There was not another soul in sight. It was as if the building had become deserted in the lunchtime rush. I peered into the various classrooms, each looking as monotonous and boring as the last. Textbooks and papers strewn about on the desks.

I became a little despondent. I only say this because I felt trapped. I felt aggravated by the way the day was unfolding. I suddenly heard the clatter of what sounded like cans hitting the ground. It aroused my immediate attention as I searched for the source of the noise. The noise was close enough to where it had to be coming from one of the adjoining classrooms.

I approached quickly yet cautiously. I put my hand on the doorway and peeked inside. My jaw dropped! "Gotta clean this up before the teacher sees this!" How I could not forget her voice! "There is no way!" I whispered. On her knees, with her back turned away from me was no other than Tiffany. That little bitch from St. Mariana's whom I did my very best to help and defend,

She had to have been adopted out. There was no other explanation for her being here. She was alone, working feverishly to clean up the crayons she had so clumsily spilled. She brushed her brown hair from over her face as she noisily tossed the crayons back into two large aluminum cans.

I licked my lips. I nearly finished her off at St. Mariana's. As far as I could tell she seemed to have made a full recovery since she was removed. I quietly tip toed behind her. The coast remained clear as I knelt down silently behind her on the rough brown carpet. "Why don't I help you with that?" I whispered quietly into her ear.

The little girl whipped around like she had been bitten by a cobra. She fell over on her side as I smiled at her. She backed herself against the bookcase on the back wall. The sweat immediately began to pour from her brow as she realized that her worst nightmare had returned.

I stood up and slowly approached her. She scooted away from me, inch by inch. The terror in her eyes told me precisely how she still felt about me. She was too scared to even blink, her eyes fixed on what was to her the devil incarnate.

When she could back up no farther I squatted down to face her. "Est…Est…", she was too terrified to even make out my name. Her eyes had become like saucers. She grabbed onto the side of the bookcase for dear life as she shivered like the little coward I knew her to be.

"Yes, my dear, it's your one and only. Your Esther. Well, it's Esther Coleman nowadays." I said nonchalantly. "It's not YOU!" the terrified child tried to convince herself. She closed her eyes and shook her head vigorously. She placed her hands over her ears. "No, no, NOOOO!" she shouted/

I grabbed her hands away from her ears by force. "Well who else could it be?" I taunted. I reached out and touched her ribcage. She let out a slight yelping sound. "I see you have healed up, haven't ya now?" I asked. She began to shake more vigorously. She was like a leaf in a windstorm.

"What do…do…do you want…Est…Esther?" she said, her voice shaking with the expectation that something horrible was about to happen to her. I could see every bead of sweat on her face. It delighted me to no end.

I raised my hands out and then dropped them to my sides in emphasis. "Oh, ya know, I was just walking around on my first day of school and I happened to hear your noisy little accident." She looked away from me. Her lips quivered. She realized that her own clumsiness had attracted my attention.

"Still, better for crayons to fall upon the ground than for a certain little girl to fall out a window. Now wouldn't you agree with that my little Tiffany?" I jeered some more. Her eyes shot upwards towards mine.

She curled into a ball. It was her only defense. Her eyes never left contact with my own. "Just…I don't…" I finished her sentence. "You don't want any trouble? Oh, I can see that. I think I taught you that the last time I seen you." I remarked. "I didn't do nothing…nothing wrong…I…I don't wanna be hurt again" she said in her own defense.

"You're sweating quite a bit, my dear. Maybe you shouldn't have worn a white sweater to school today." I told her gently. She closed her eyes again and buried her head in her arms as she curled up even tighter. "I'm as shocked to see you as you are to see me, Tiff. Is there something wrong with old friends saying hi to another?" I joked harshly.

"Not my friend…never were!" she said, her voice hoarse and unstable. I let out a little laugh in amusement. "I guess today hasn't been so bad for me after all" I told myself out loud. "Just don't hit me, Esther" she pleaded. She looked up nervously and her mouth dropped open as I lifted my hand.

Just as I swung my hand towards her face I stopped only a centimeter or two from hitting her. "Ha ha, made you flinch!" I touted. I let out a malicious giggle of self satisfaction. "I want my mommy!" she finally cried out.

I thought about the effort I had put into being a mother figure to her. How I could have been her mommy. "Then go run home to her after school today." I urged of her. "Don't hurt me!" she repeated. If I had a penny for every time I heard that line.

I towered over the pathetic ball of fear. "Who said I was here to hurt you?" I suddenly began to raise my voice. "I'll be on good terms with you Tiffany but do NOT stand in my way or try to weed me out, do you understand me?"

She remained silent. I bent over to face her, gently lifting her chin. My voice softened as I asked her again. "One more time, Tiffany. I'll ask, do you understand me?" She made eye contact with me again and nodded.

She suddenly began eyeing my frilly disaster of a dress, like everyone else had so cruelly done. I became cold as I again raised my voice slightly. I held my arms out on either side in a frightening manner. "What? Is there a problem with the way I look, with the way I dress?" She shook her head emphatically. "Noooooo" she whimpered.

I stood back up. My cold gaze meeting hers. My voice took on an ominous demeanor. "You're a good girl, Tiffany. Enjoy the rest of your school day and try steer clear from me from now on" I warned. "Yes…what…whatever you say, Esther" she said like the little obedient dog she is.

I slowly cracked a malicious smile. To her utter horror she watched as I pulled out my false teeth. A strong of saliva hanging pathetically from the plastic veneer. I dangled them in front of me as I grinned at her. Exposing my pitch black, rotted teeth gave her a profound glimpse into the darkness of my very soul.

I turned around and walked away in triumph, leaving Tiffany to absorb what she just witnessed. I began laughing hysterically as I made my way out of the classroom. "She's lucky she didn't shit herself" I shouted, not having a care in the world if anybody heard me, although I'm sure Tiffany most certainly did.

I put my hand on my forehead and laughed in utter amusement as I tried to find my way back to the classroom. "Looks like I won't be needing lunch. That should sustain me for the rest of the school day." I let out another burst of laughter. "I can't believe she's here" I giggled hysterically.

On a personal level I still no longer cared for her. She had her chance and now Max had filled the void that she had so cruelly left in my heart. I looked back towards her classroom and I could tell she likely didn't dare move from her spot. Any fear I had about how the day was going had melted away like butter on a hot stove.

"Looks like I'm going to be leveling the playing field around here" I thought. I found a new sense of confidence. I really didn't want to bother with the girl but a part of me wanted to use her again. To take the fall for me when I got into trouble. She crossed me once, shame on her. Cross me twice, shame on me.

As I meandered through the deserted corridors I had to remind myself not get involved with any unnecessary drama, even with poor little Tiffany. "At least I'll be giving her some serious nightmares tonight" I told myself. I had to place my hand over my mouth as I finally made my way back to the cafeteria.

I was just about to pass the girl's bathroom when carelessly walking out from it and into my path was Brenda. A startled cry escaped her lips. I placed a hand on my hip. "What's wrong? Not scared of Little Bo Beep already, are ya?" Brenda glared at me. "If I were wearing that thing I would be scared of myself", the little bitch shot back.

She purposely walked into me with a little mischievous smile plastered onto her face. My torso turned sideways from the impact. "Weirdo!" she shouted. "Okay, you just watch your back now" I warned intently. I knew today would be like this. Still, even with this nasty little incident, tormenting Tiffany was still a treat for me.

I knew I would remain confidant for the rest of the day, at least so I hoped. Every time I hurt someone who had hurt me in turn I felt my ego soar above the clouds.

It was uplifting to bring down low any and all of my tormenters and backstabbers. This girl, this Brenda, I was hating her as much as I hated Kate and Daniel, as hard as that still seems for me to believe.

I remained standing in the hallway. I had dazed out once again. I stood as still as a tree trunk. Just thinking, once again dreaming and contemplating the whole situation around me…around Leena Klammer…around Esther Coleman.

My thoughts moved at a terrific pace. From performing all sorts of horrible things onto Brenda and Tiffany, to winning over my John, to being a mommy to Max, to finishing off Kate and Daniel, to finally getting to see my Syrah for the first time in over a year. It was a lot to think about.

Within a few short moments the school bell rang once again. The hallway soon flooded once more with countless unknown faces. Some laughing, some expressionless, all strangers nonetheless. This began to suddenly shake the confidence I had so quickly gained. There was something unsettling about it.

I glanced around for a glimpse of Daniel, or Tiffany, or Brenda. I had to always be on guard and alert against those who wanted to take a quick cheap shot at me. Or in Tiffany's case, throwing out the friendship we once shared. Nobody. I was just an unknown soul floating in a seemingly endless sea of passing faces.

"I'll just go back into the classroom, put my head down for today and I'll think about how to handle everything tonight" I tried reassuring myself. Maybe I could cook up some way to come out on top that didn't involve me resorting to some violent and extreme action. Maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part at the time.

After all, who can control the beast once it is let out of it's cage? Esther Coleman cannot control Leena Klammer. The thin persona of Esther was as delicate as the little porcelain doll that I tried so desperately to portray.

Brenda was all too oblivious as to how easy it would be to shatter that fragile persona. I could only hope for better days ahead. It was all that I could do at the moment. To be left in peace. Was that to much for one human being to ask?

**In the next chapter, Esther finds herself at odds with Brenda yet again but she is delighted to find that a surprise has come much sooner for her than she thought after another hard day of torment at school.**

**I'm always delighted and grateful for your reviews and continued support of this literary effort. Keep them coming! As usual, ideas and suggestions are ALWAYS welcome as there is still so very much material to write about. Have a pleasant day!**


	36. An Unexpected Arrival

**In the last chapter, Esther endured her first day of torment at school while under the Coleman household. She makes a new enemy in the form of Brenda but just as her day couldn't seem to get any worse she finds that her former friend Tiffany is now attending the same school. We now find Leena later during the same week as she continues to do her best to get by as "Esther".**

"Move it, loser!", Daniel's friend Trevor bumped hard into me with his shoulder as he passed me by in the hallway. His friends erupted in a chorus of laughter as they passed by me, their coldness all the more obvious. All I could do was stand and stare. There were no friends to come to my defense. My heart was heavy having to carry my never ending burden of dismay.

Everyone was in a hurry as school let out for the day. As anticipated today had been no easier than my first. At least it was Friday. I had two solid days ahead to regroup and recharge. I didn't need anymore drama when I returned home. "Screw this, I'm going out the back" I told myself. I didn't want anymore trouble from these little hell raisers.

I trotted along, trying to get away from the others as quickly as possible. Darting through the moving maze of students. I would simply walk around the school to meet Kate. Not that I cared if I made her wait. The screams and laughter of the children faded off into the distance. Random papers were scattered about the hallway as careless clutter.

In the distance a lone janitor was cleaning up some of the mess with a long push broom. He was a constant sight in the hallways. I kept shaking my head to myself. I tried convincing myself of my own fortitude against the never ending onslaught that rallied against me. "You're stronger than they are, Leena. You're STRONGER! YOU'RE the adult!"

Every taunt, every laugh, and every jeer was stinging at me like angry hornets. I hung my head low as I slowed down. The school was now lifeless. There was not a sound to be heard. It was almost eerie in a sense. Lonely and desolate. I trudged grudgingly through the gym to the back doors that would lead me outside.

As I entered, I kicked a lone basketball out of the way that was lying in front of me. I kicked it so hard that I lost my footing and fell on my ass. "Son of a BITCH!" I moaned. My book bag fell besides me. A loud burst of childish laughter drew my instant attention.

Before I could even look to find the source of the laughter I was hit square in the head with the same basketball I had kicked. The impact caused me to fall sideways, my head colliding with the hard wooden floor. More laughter erupted like a cruel torrent. This felt like St. Mariana's all over again.

I began growling angrily, like a cornered animal. "The new girl is so stupid" I heard Brenda tease. My ears ringed as I tried to re-orientate my senses. Brenda and two other girls approached me, a girl on either side of her. Both had brown hair and were maybe about 11 years old. Despite their age they seemed to tower over me as I lay where I had fallen.

They whispered to one another as Brenda took center stage with me. Brenda leaned over and placed her hands on her knees. "What's wrong, is the new girl afraid of the ball?" she mocked incessantly. "Scaredy cat. Scaredy cat." her friends taunted like morons.

I sat there, still dazed from the hard collision. I could barely hear what she was saying. "Look, she's trying to get up" said one of Brenda's companions. "We should beat her up" the other girl suggested. With great energy I lifted myself to my feet.

"It's taking everything I have right now, Brenda" I warned as I wiped my mouth. "Oh, or what's going to happen, stupid new kid" Her smile was wicked, almost evil. I could see the delight in her eyes. The shear delight she took out of tormenting me. I clenched and unclenched my fists over and over.

I watched as her eyes moved towards my hands. She looked back to me. "Oh, what's wrong new kid, wanna fight us?" Her voice had become more threatening. "Don't push me to it, I swear, I just swear…" I trailed off when all three of them laughed as if I were joking.

"Do you know what math is new kid?" She was now really fanning the flames of my rage. I showed my teeth like a wild animal. "Well…let's see, there's one of you and three of us" She was beckoning me to throw the first punch.

The word "control" repeated itself in my mind. If I lost control now I knew the blame would fall on me. Brenda was emboldened by what she perceived as weakness on my part. She walked up to me, toe to toe. I let my attitude grow cocky with her. "You don't scare me the least"

"Somehow I doubt that" said one of Brenda's friends. I raised my voice at the smartass. "Why don't you shut the fuck up and take a hike you little whore!" The girl's eyes grew wide with shock. She wasn't suspecting me to lash out at her. I didn't even know who the hell she was to be honest.

"Take the first shot, Brenda." I turned my cheek to her and tapped it with my finger. "Go ahead, go ahead, or are you all talk because I know I'm not." Brenda remained still. I knew she was too much of a coward to take me up on my offer. She was just an idiotic child who thought she could exploit me.

I faced her once more. "What are you waiting for? Oh, were you finished? Or maybe you want ME to take the first shot?" I offered. Brenda suddenly backed up without so much as a word. "Why are you backing up from me? WHY?" I approached them slowly.

One of the girls grabbed Brenda's arms. "Come on Brenda, she isn't worth it. Let's just go to your house." Brenda shook the hand off of her. "If you came looking for a fight you found it" I snarled. I held my arms up at my sides in anticipation that things were about to escalate.

But alas they did not. And to my betterment I suppose. Brenda rolled her eyes at me as she gave me a look of disinterest. She turned away from me as her friends followed. "Stupid bitch!" I heard Brenda mutter. I didn't let that roll off of me. "If you have something you want to say come up and say it and we'll see who's the bigger person."

Brenda repeated what I said in a mocking voice. She kept her back turned. "She's such a loser" said one of the little terrors. The encounter, though as brief as it was, had shook me to my core. I had to regroup quickly and put on a good show. Kate was surely waiting for me by now. The girls made their way out into the hallway, leaving me alone.

"I swear to God, I'm going to rip their guts out!" I told myself. I tossed my book bag over my shoulders. "This things so damn heavy" I whined. "Nothings ever easy". It felt almost impossible for me to even move. I felt as if I were made of lead. At least I could go home to my John and my Max. They were always so delighted to see me after all.

I shuffled outside. As I walked I thought about how Brenda was going to pay for her transgressions. "The little bitch isn't getting away with this! She won't! She can't!" I wanted her to be an example to her friends. The violent thoughts seeped into my psyche. Cutting her throat. Breaking her neck. Gutting her alive. All wonderful fantasies that I knew would sustain me.

I knew how to pull off shit like this. How many times have I killed before and eluded detection? "Think about it, Leena. Who expects Esther after all?" I hoped the girl would come to her senses before it was too late. That way at least her life could be spared.

There was always that tipping point though. The point where, no matter the risk, I would simply snap on her. That no amount of reasoning would prevent me from making her scream bloody murder. I struggled along as I tried to carry the overfilled book bag. The wet snow crunched beneath my feet.

As I made it out front I spotted Kate's SUV. It was my ticket to paradise. An oasis from the cruelty of the outside world. "Just cool off and relax, Leena. Smile now. Kate is probably watching". I put on the fake persona that I was happy and content with my situation at school.

Kate waved at me vigorously as I made my way to the vehicle. I began skipping along. I felt like an absolute idiot. I opened the back door and climbed in. Max was in her car seat. The joy in her eyes upon seeing me lifted my spirits. "Hello, sweetheart. How was school today?" Yeah, like I was going to tell her the truth.

"Absolutely wonderful, mommy. I'm meeting so many new people." I reached over and gave my daughter a kiss on the cheek. "And hello Max" I told my little ball of happiness. She clasped her hands together. She could barely contain herself every time she seen me after a busy day.

"Where's Daniel"? I asked. "Oh, he's going to hang out with his friends. He's staying over with one of them tonight so he won't be home 'til tomorrow. Daddy came home early from work today."

This made me smile. "At least that little shit head of a "brother" will be out of my hair" I thought. Kate put the car in drive and we pulled out.

Suddenly Kate slammed on the brakes as a group full of kids darted out in front of her. We all lurched forward. I instinctively put a hand over Max out of protection. I could tell Kate was about to swear before catching herself. "Don't they see me? How could they not have seen me?" she complained. I spoke up. "Don't let it get to you mommy. After all, it's Friday."

She sighed to herself. Max seemed a little worried but she was quick to return to her usual happy self. Kate regained her composure as Max became preoccupied with a small stuffed giraffe that her mother must have given her. I looked up at the ceiling and exhaled deeply.

After a few moments I noticed Kate's personality change as she laughed gently to herself. She seemed happier than usual. "What the hell is this all about?" I thought. She kept glancing back at me. I was confounded. I cocked my head to the side. "What's so funny mommy?" I had to ask.

She gently covered her mouth. "Let's just say daddy and I have a big surprise for you when you come home." I smiled. I tried to coax an answer from her. "And that is?" I inquired. "You'll see once we get home. It wouldn't be much of a surprise if I told you now would it?" As much as I held this woman in pure contempt I was hanging on her words.

"More gifts?" I asked in faux excitement. "I won't be the one to spoil it" Kate explained. I turned to Max and smiled mischievously. I signed to her while speaking. "Do you know what mommy is talking about? What mommy is hiding from me?" I teased innocently.

Max smiled and tried to bounce. "Oh, she knows already. But she'll stay quiet". Max moved her fingers across her lips in a zipper motion. "So you're going to leave your older sister hanging like that" I said comically.

"I know your first week has been hard, Esther. Believe me, I've been there when I was nine. All of us are so excited about today though. What we have waiting for you." I became anxious. Who wouldn't be? She was keeping something big over my head.

"Very well" I cosigned myself. Max kept looking into my eyes. Her obvious excitement was rubbing off on me. Close to the house Kate pulled into a convenience store. "Wait right here, Esther and keep and eye on your sister. I just have to get a gallon of milk."

"Yes, mommy. I'll keep her in line" I teased. Kate laughed. "I can't wait for you to get home." She turned around to face Max. "Now remember what I told you, no telling!" she signed. She nodded in obedience. Kate commended her. "That's a good girl!"

Kate grabbed her purse to go fetch her milk. I waited until she entered the store. I wanted to know what she was hiding from me. What this big surprise was all about. "Max, now you can tell me, what is she talking about?" Max simply shook her head.

"I'm not telling. Not telling you." she signed. Kate was stretching her head as she stood at the counter with her milk, keeping her eyes on the two of us. I sat back down in my seat. She knew I was trying to get Max to spill the beans. She pointed a stiff finger at Max. She sat back tightly in her seat, almost frightfully.

She once again made a zipper motion across her mouth. Her mother gave her the thumbs up through the glass. "I hope she doesn't get angry with us girls" I signed to my little one. Max's attention was drawn back to her stuffed giraffe. I smiled tenderly at her. I had all but forgotten about Brenda and what had gone down.

I was startled by the car door opening. My eyes darted upwards, my mouth opened slightly. I always tended to startle easily. Kate placed the milk on the front passenger seat. She was still in good spirits. "I knew I had to keep an eye on the two of you." she teased. She reached back and tickled Max. The child giggled in delight. Mother and daughter were so close.

"Good! The secrets still safe!" she told herself. We continued our journey home as I found myself having the highest of hopes. Confidant that the rest of the day would pan out well. Confidant that I would be happy for the rest of the day. As I would soon learn, that would be more than the case!

A gentle snowfall began. Each individual snowflake dancing elegantly. Max seemed entranced by this. It reminded me so much of Estonia. It reminded me of the homeland. Of where I had left my roots when I came to America.

In the due course of a few minutes we were home. Max became as excited as ever as she looked over at me. Her eyes told me she indeed was hiding something. I noticed Kate pick up her iPhone. She dialed a number and let it ring before suddenly hanging up.

"Why did you do that?" I asked. She was adamant. "Oh, no reason. Now lets hurry up and get inside. It's cold out." Kate came around and unfastened Max from her booster seat. John opened the front door in anticipation. I could tell he was in on this as well. Kate scooped Max into her arms and carried her along, kicking the car door closed with her foot.

I smiled at John as I slung the heavy book bag once more over my already sore shoulders. I ran over to my John and flung my arms around his waist. "DADDY!" I screeched in excitement. I hugged him tightly not wanting to let go.

"Hello honey! Did mommy and Max tell you that we had a big surprise for you" I nodded. "Yes, but they kept me waiting.": John came over to his wife and grabbed Max, He swung her around in his arms while the tot laughed in delight. She was as happy as I was every day to come home to John.

"Boy, your getting big!", he put her down. "Let me get that", he took the gallon of milk from his wife. Kate smiled and gestured to me. "Hurry up and go inside!" I never seen her display this much happiness before. "In fact, your surprise is in your room" John urged me.

"Um, very well then daddy". I was as confused as they were joyful. He took my book bag from me as I welcomed having finally returned to my home sweet home. "Now what is it they're trying to hide?" I asked myself.

I figured it would be some more dolls or a bike or what have you, in which case I would simply put on the false mask of childhood excitement and run into their arms like a child on a Christmas morning. I was nonchalant enough as I approached my room. The door was closed, which is generally how I liked to keep it. Locking my dirty secrets within.

I shook my head as I turned the door knob. "It's just going to be more children's garbage" I muttered angrily. As I opened the door I looked up. Every muscle locked into place. No! My eyes had to be playing some cruel trick on me!

I covered my mouth with my hands. My eyes grew wide in astonished disbelief. Instantly my eyes filled with tears of joy. Tears of shear happiness. She turned around where she was seated on the bed as she heard my gasp.

My brow quivered as I collapsed to my knees. I sobbed in joy. A muffled shout escaped my lips, "SYRAH! SYRAH!" My sister choked up immediately as her eyes grey equally wide in the complete disbelief that this moment had finally come to pass.

"OH GOD! SISTER!" she shouted in her own moment of stunned wonderment. I reached my arms out, to stunned to even stand.

Syrah literally threw herself around me. Just like the first time we met again after my escape from the Saarne Institute over a year ago the tears flowed with uncontrollable vigor. "My God! Is this REAL! Is this REAL?" I exclaimed to her.

I didn't care that we were both adults. I was turned upside down by her sudden arrival! We kissed, we hugged, we embraced one another like long lost loved ones. Pure ecstasy is the only word that could describe the moment. I let myself go for those few moments. I didn't care about anything else in the world. I was completely lost in the serenity of the experience.

I could barely speak between my sobbing. "Miss…I missed you!" I cried. "Thank God! Thank you God! Thank you!" Syrah whispered. "Never again, Leena. Let's never be apart like that again." she wept. I began coughing uncontrollably.

I heard movement behind me. I turned around just as John, Kate, and Max entered the doorway. I leapt to my feet and ran towards my John. I put my head on his chest, my warm embrace speaking louder than words. I couldn't stop crying.

John laughed. "I guess this means thank you. Well you're very welcome." My heart soared in happiness. I felt free once more. Free from the aggravation and heartache that the week had brought me. Kate stroked the back of my hair as I balled my eyes out. I looked up at John, slowly, giving him the assurance of a grateful daughter.

Kate leaned against the doorway, crossing her arms. "Now your father and I are just full of surprises aren't we?" She let out a laugh. Syrah was besides herself, in tears as much as I was. I didn't mind giving Kate a hug as well. Yes, it seems hypocritical of me but I made sure she knew I was happy.

My little Max was double the delight. She signed to us. "Now I have TWO sisters." Her innocence was so charming. I nodded to her. "Yes Max. That's how it will be forever now" I signed. Syrah collected herself. She was dressed rather formally for the occasion.

She wore a white long sleeved blouse, her dark black knee length skirt matched the color of her hair, which she had tied up in the back as usual. I guess she was doing nothing more than making a good first impression with the Colemans. She stood up to shake hands with Kate and John,

"Thank you! Thank you so much again for having me. You don't know how long it's been since Esther has seen me." She was adamant in thanking them. "This wouldn't have been possible without you" she continued.

I gushed. I was glad she didn't call me "Leena" by accident. I could breathe a sigh of relief that I had her on my side. Max grabbed Syrah's hand and jumped up and down. "And thank you too, sweetheart." Syrah complimented the child. Kate signed to her daughter what my precious Syrah had said.

"You see, she couldn't be more happier today." John told his wife in regards to their little one. "Watch out though because she is a ball of energy" Kate told my sister. "I'll see to that" my sister sniffled. Kate disappeared for a brief moment, returning with a box of tissues.

Kate had to keep from crying herself. She felt as much a part of this moment as Syrah and I. John leaned in towards his wife. "Honey, honey, let's give them some privacy." he urged. She knew this was best. "Right, right." She tugged on a glassy eyed Max. "Come on sweetheart. Come on, let's leave Esther and Syrah be."

It took some persuasion to finally get Max to unglue herself from the two of us. The little girl looked up at Syrah in total wonderment over who she was. "We'll just hang out downstairs" John pointed. He closed the door behind him. Syrah and I sat down on my bed.

She didn't take her eyes off me. I don't think either of us could believe that we finally were together again. We held each others hands. My voice quivered. I buried my face in her lap. "I just missed you so much." She stroked my back as my chest heaved up and down. I couldn't stop sobbing.

"I missed you too honey. The wait is over now. It's all over" She lifted me up and put her hands on my shoulders. She laughed a little bit. "Dry your tears before your make-up begins to run" I threw myself around her again, ignoring her words. "Ever *sniffle* ever since that train left, *sniffle* I've been waiting. I felt alone without you."

The long year we had waited had not dampened our relationship in the least. We could both feel this. Our emotions were genuine. Real and unbridled. "You should have never left my side, my dear." Oh, how she wished things had gone that way. I wiped a stray lock of hair from my eyes. I cracked a smile.

"But look where I'm at right now. I thought you had to wait before coming to America?" I questioned. "It was easy enough getting my passport renewed. And I'm letting a friend stay in my house as long as she takes care of it."

"I'm staying at a hotel for the time being, but John and Kate. Such lovely people. They told me I could stay for the weekend. You know. So that you and I could get reacquainted. John and Kate have known about this for the past couple days."

"So this was all planned out?" I felt sure that John had arranged for this magical day to come to pass. "Well I landed yesterday and I met John and Kate after you had left this morning. I got here around nine in the morning and we've been talking and talking ever since. Such a wonderful couple! Kate had me come up here to wait for you my precious"

I wasn't going to go into a rant about how much I disliked Kate. Now was neither the time nor the place. I wanted to tease at her gently. "Do you know how different you sound on the phone then in person, my Sy Sy?"

"Oh, is that so? I told you I was coming after all." She turned sideways, handing to me a white rectangular box with a red ribbon tied around it. "This is for you…Esther." She hesitated to say the name. It obviously made her somewhat uncomfortable.

I smiled so as to show my approval. "Now really. You didn't need to get me a gift". I gingerly pulled at the ribbon as it fell away. I softly removed the cardboard top from the box. "OH! What's this Syrah?" I removed the garment. It was a blue lace shawl. "I knit it myself. Something to help get you through the winter" She gently pushed on my shoulder.

I knew this would be something I would want to pass onto Max one day. I wanted this to be a family heirloom. My arms once again found themselves around her neck. "It's wonderful! Thank you so much! It means the world to me, it really does." Who wouldn't adore how close we were?

"I feel like I'm going to wake up at any moment and you won't be here. There hardly has been a night that hasn't gone by where I haven't dreamt of you." I said in half disbelief. She gripped my hand. "Well you're wide awake sweetie. As I said, wherever you are, I am also from now on."

I grinned while I ran the shawl through my fingers. We both laughed between our sobs. Syrah made light of everything "Looks like Kate might need a new box of tissues." I was hooked on her every word now. "This shawl, this look like it took you forever to make."

"Two week on and off" she replied. "I couldn't just reconnect with you without a gift" I looked into her watery eyes. They were so gentle and caring. We held hands once more as we rested our heads on each others shoulders. We were silent for a moment. I guess the two of us had a lot to absorb.

"A whole year, Syrah. Where does the time go? Where has it all gone?" I said softly. "It's time we can never get back, Leena, I mean…Esther…we move forward together, as sisters, not long distance friends." I raised my head from off of her. "I wish I could really say that I had somehow earned this. You know how much I don't deserve it." I lamented.

"Let's not get into that right now. Please. I know we'll wind up talking about all that has, well, you know, happened." She cradled my head onto her shoulder once more. "You think you couldn't wait to see me again, Esther. Words can't describe how grueling a wait this has been. It's tested my will. It really has."

"I know the feeling. I cried myself…" Syrah put a finger to my lips to hush me. "Cried yourself to sleep?" she attempted to finish. I nodded, her finger still to my lips. Sometimes I felt as if we could read each other's minds. "Sy Sy, I mean, you're for real. You're not some phone call. Today is the most wonderful I have had since coming to this strange land. I really mean that."

"Where there is no longer an ocean between us. No reason for us not to be together. I mean we've seen each other through hell and back how many times? We don't have enough fingers and toes to count them all!"

I could hardly get in another word before Max burst back into the room. She jumped on the bed in between Syrah and I. I could hear Kate cracking up in the hallway. She jolted after her hyperactive daughter. "Get back here you little…" she laughed. Max crawled to the other end of the bed as my sister and I laughed.

"No, no, Max. Let them have their time together. Don't bother them right now. Come on, back downstairs this instant!" I wouldn't discourage Max's behavior in the least. What else could you expect from her? "Really, mommy, it's okay. Max can stay here with Syrah and I. Really now." Kate paused to catch her breath.

"Are you sure about that sweetheart? I mean…" I nodded. "Yes, what trouble can she cause?" Kate was whimsical with her answer. "Well, you haven't been with us long enough yet to see that now have you? In any case, okay then." She turned to Max.

"But behave" she signed while talking sternly. "Mrs. Coleman, I think she'll be alright" Syrah interjected. "Please, please, Kate will do fine." Syrah nodded, slightly embarrassed. "Just make yourself feel at home over the weekend. I want you two to catch up after all." Kate explained.

Max found her way back between Syrah and myself. I could suddenly hear John calling to his wife. "Excuse me, I'll let you guys alone again". Kate went out of sight, gently closing the door to secure our privacy. This room was pretty much the only place in the house that I could truly call my private little sanctuary.

I signed to my pride and joy. "Now you can be yourself, Max." I put my arm around her but her attention was drawn to Syrah. She was enamored with her. It was touching to witness. "I can see Max has already made a new friend" I joked.

When Max was happy, I was happy. Max seemed a little shy as far as trying to have a conversation with my sister, not that she could anyways without my help. Max turned to me to show how much she approved of her "other" sister.

"Do you know what Max signed just a little while ago?" I asked of Syrah. She shrugged. "That she thinks of you already as her second sister." I wished this suddenly joyful day would never end!

My sister was jovial, playing with Max. "Oh, is that so Max! I'm old enough to be your mommy!" I had to translate her words into the appropriate symbols. She began striking up an innocent conversation with Syrah.

"How old are you?", I became a little worried about that answer but was quick to realize I was in control. I switched over to speaking Estonian. "She asked you how old you are. Now remember, you're not 39, you're…" I waited for the "correct" answer so to speak.

"I am 24 Max, 24 years old." My baby was able to read her lips. I gave Syrah a thumbs up. Not that I couldn't sense a hint of despondency from her. Having to lie to an innocent child. I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable. Still, Syrah does actually look that young for her age.

"Children, they're just so full of questions." I remarked, still maintaining my native language. "I didn't like doing that right now. I mean it was hard to say it with a straight face to John and Kate but I feel dirty for having just lied to Max." she whispered.

"Why are you whispering, my Sy Sy? It's not like anyone besides us understands Estonian?" She let out a long, flustered breath. "I don't know. Just a force of habit I guess."

"So what do you think of Max? I'm guessing the two of you met a couple hours ago. She only goes to school for three or four hours a day." Syrah gave a nod. "Oh, she was besides herself."

"One day Syrah. This will be your new niece. Take it in and absorb it." Syrah's facial expressional changed from gentle and tender to grave concern. She had allowed herself to become so caught up in our reunion that she perhaps forgot why I was even under this roof to begin with.

"Lee…I mean Esther…can we discuss that later. I mean, remember what we said about, you know, the right time and place for that." Again, I had to catch myself from turning the conversation serious.

"You're right, after all. I'm sorry Syrah, you just know there will be a million different things we'll be talking about. We couldn't even scratch the surface today." I tried to turn the direction back into a positive light. "So did John and Kate pick you up this morning?"

"Yes, I spent last night at a hotel and they came and got me after you were gone. Like I said we just talked and talked. Talked about everything. They couldn't stop speaking volumes about you. They really do care about you. I just hope that you see that. They really DO care."

"They loved me the first time they laid eyes on me, Syrah. If that weren't the case neither of us would be sitting here. But enough of that. It's just a miracle to even be around you again. When I got on that train to Russia, something inside me Syrah. Something told me I would never see you again. I couldn't shake it for weeks."

"That's just what I feared. That's why I begged for you to stay. But that's ancient history now. All that matters is what happens from this day forward. I'm here to help you, you know that."

My eyes suddenly closed involuntarily as I began crying once again. Our conversation being in Estonian, Max had no idea why I was crying. It was an awkward moment for her. "What's wrong?" she mouthed.

I whispered into her ear. "Max, can Syrah and I be alone right now? I know you've been excited and all that but it's nothing personal." Unlike most kids her age she readily obliged. "Come downstairs soon" she signed.

"We will Max. Go on now." I could tell she was a bit disappointed. After all, her fascination with Syrah was peaked. "She could have stayed" Syrah said. "No, not now. I mean we're having a serious talk right now. It doesn't matter if she understand or not."

"We're certainly a long way from our Estonia my dear. You were right about this being a strange country. Everything seems so different than back home. This in itself had to have been a terrible adjustment for you." Syrah was correct in saying that. Adjusting to America had been probably the hardest experience of my life.

"Yes, it was. Believe me, nobody understands you. Nobody even wants to understand you. I've been everybody's punching bag for so long now. Even today I was nearly beaten up. It just never seems to end for me. But I deal with it."

"What do you mean you almost got beaten today? Tell me what happened? Are you sure everything's okay?"

"It's nothing, Syrah. Just some girls decided to pick on me when I was leaving for the day. I'm an adult and I have to put up with this kind of shit from third and fourth graders. Can you even begin to believe that?" At least I had someone to share my lamentations with in person.

Syrah didn't seem sure as to how to answer me. "I don't like being the one to say this but you put yourself in this kind of position. How many times have I told you to take things just a day at a time. We don't need anymore trouble because of things like this."

"Oh Syrah, if I didn't take things one day at a time I certainly wouldn't be here in this house. It's just…I mean I'm still finding it hard to sink in that you're actually here with me. Things are going to be a lot easier now with you around. At least I'm not going through this crazy ride by myself."

"Such a sweet thing to say…Esther." Again, I knew she hated using that name. She almost cringed every time she mentioned it. "This is going to test the two of us though. Coming to America like this is not easy for me to do. But the only way I would ever go back to Estonia is if you came with me."

I could see where she was coming from entirely. "You're really prepared to abandon your old life like that, Syrah?" She cleared her throat. "More so than you think. I've told you before. I can't keep a clear conscious unless I look after you. You know how much I don't approve of…oh here we go talking serious again." I smiled at her.

"See how hard it is? All in due time. Everything will come out in due time." That was the way my sister's personality was though. It was all out of concern for my well being. She changed up the subject. Her muffled laughter taking the conversation in a new direction.

As quick as I was to tease her she would often tease me. "Don't…don't you feel ridiculous dressing like that?" It was innocent enough. "The only cure for my wardrobe is fire and lots of it." Syrah burst out laughing. She was quick to amuse.

Syrah pulled a lighter out of her purse. I screamed out amusingly as she placed the fire towards me. "We can start right now!" she giggled. I noticed Max peeping in through a crack in the doorway. I motioned for her to come back inside. The atmosphere was light and happy. Something the three of us could bask in together.

Max sat down on my lap, uncaring of whatever Syrah and I had been talking about. I only wanted my new little daughter to enjoy our companionship. I took the shawl that Syrah had knit for me and placed it around Max's neck.

I signed to her some more. "Syrah made that for me. Isn't it lovely?" She nodded in appeasement. "I can't believe you and Max are so close." I could tell Syrah admired our relationship. "It's been that way since day one. She has always wanted a sister."

Max began signing to Syrah. "Are you going to stay with us for good now?" I translated for my sister. Syrah nodded at Max. "You'll be seeing me a lot of me Max. I won't be that far away." It was truly a dream come true for Max.

"She has two people she can look up to now, Syrah. I want you to be around her." My sister had fallen for Max. "I'll make it a point to begin learning sign language myself. I bet that'll make John and Kate happy. I mean why not?"

"I'm still learning myself but I'll help you out with that." I pointed over to the sign language book sitting over on the desk. "It gets easier after awhile. Do you hear that Max? Syrah wants to learn sign language. Will you help me teach her?" Max bit down on her lip. She was so cute, nodding at Syrah.

The three of us laughed in unison. "You know what you can do for us later on, Syrah? Something I would really enjoy?"

"What would that be?" she asked. "Could you play the piano for us? Like we used to do when I was at your home? You always played so beautifully."

"Absolutely. Kate was telling me she used to teach piano at Harvard. Maybe I'll play something after dinner." I had to make a point perfectly clear to her. I leaned over to speak into her ear.

"Just to warn you, Kate is a shitty cook." Syrah began laughing again. "Know where the bathroom is beforehand, I rather eat your cooking any day." Syrah was a little besides herself. "Come on now, she can't be that bad."

"Horrifying!" I whispered. I turned to Max. "What do you think of mommy's cooking? Do you like mommy's cooking?" I asked. She slowly shook her head from side to side. Syrah and I erupted into more laughter. "You see, didn't I tell you?"

I finally felt human today. A precious feeling I rarely ever felt. I owed it to my Max, my John, and now my Syrah. I knew that there would be brighter days ahead for Leena Klammer. The fact that I didn't have to go through my trials alone anymore was enough to make me forget about the horrors and shortcomings of living this lie.

The three most important people in my life were now under the same roof. I hoped and prayed that I was moving in the right direction. After all, there is a time and a place for everything.

**In the next chapter, Esther is finally pushed to her limit at school and is forced to act. Also, Syrah has a solemn request for her sister that will open up some old wounds for the both of them.**

**As always, please leave some feedback. Your reviews are always so much appreciated and looked forward to. Have a safe and Happy Holidays 2011!**


	37. Treading On Thin Ice

**In the last chapter, Leena and Syrah are finally reunited after over a year of being apart, much to Leena's surprise and amazement. Although Leena is joyful over her sister's arrival in America she still has to worry about the new enemies that she has made.**

I could feel the awkwardness of the moment hanging heavy in the air. It was as thick as a fog. It was a quiet Saturday during lunch time. Syrah had been here with me not even 24 hours.

The entire family was seated at the dining room table. Daniel picked at his food as Syrah and I sat next to each other across from him. He did not appreciate the fact that Syrah was now in the picture. I could sense his disgust. There was a profound silence as we ate. You could hear a pin drop.

John and Kate didn't seem to know how to handle the situation. I could sense that Daniel's parents wanted to strangle him for being so cold and distant to Syrah and I. He refused to even shake Syrah's hand when they first met nearly an hour earlier. I could hear the ticking of the clock, each passing second only increasing how awkward we all felt.

Max was the only one who was happy go lucky. At her age she was completely besides herself, seemingly oblivious to what was going on as she ate her sandwich. Finally, Kate spoke up. "Daniel, stop playing with your food and eat it already" she hissed angrily.

He stopped picking at the bread of his sandwich and looked over to his mother. His frown was causing Kate to become angrier. John kept his cool before taking his food and leaving for the solitude of the living room. I got the impression that he knew what Kate was going to do next.

Syrah shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. She knew that Daniel did not welcome her one bit. Kate was becoming more unnerved. "I'm going to ask you one more time young man. Eat your food or you can spend the rest of the afternoon in your room." she warned. "Or is it that you DON'T want Brenda to come over?"

I nearly jumped out of my seat. I remained quiet as I tried to grasp what Kate had just said. "Brenda? NO! Why is she coming over here?" I thought. Daniel grudgingly began to eat, slowly but surely.

Syrah and I finished eating. "Mommy, may I please be excused?" I asked. "Of course darling." Max looked at Syrah and she signed to her mother. "May I be excused too, I want to go outside?" she asked. Kate gave her little one a nod and the three of us girls took our leave. "I would prefer that you guys leave because I want to have a talk with Daniel alone."

I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. I cracked a smile as I grabbed my coat. Syrah and Max retreated upstairs to fetch their own coats. I wrapped the shawl that Syrah had made for me around my neck. I placed my little black beret snugly on my head. "Great, Brenda will be here. Always my luck." I muttered. I stayed close to the dining room, trying to tune in to what she was saying.

"What is your problem, Daniel? You better stop acting this way or else! I'm telling you right now!" He was quick to answer her. "Why does Esther's sister have to stay the weekend?" I refused to peer in for fear of being caught. "Because Esther has the right to see her sister whether you like it or not." Kate probably felt like smacking the shit out of him.

"I wish they would both go away" I rolled my eyes when he said this. "Do not, you understand me, DO NOT talk back to me and you better start treating Esther and Syrah with respect! Now be quiet and EAT!" I smiled to myself. "Boy, is she pissed" I thought.

"Esther? Esther?" I felt a gentle tug on my shoulder. As usual I was jumpy as I turned to face Syrah and Max. "The weather is nicer today. Why don't we all just go outside?" Max loved the outdoors and was itching to leave the house. Kate tried to keep her inside as much as possible.

Dressed for the weather, we headed out. I could see John wanted to stay out of Kate's way for the time being. I could barely keep my eyes off of him. "Now Max don't run off on us" I signed. "I want to play" she signed in returned. "Play what?" I asked. She ran ahead of us.

"Max, wait!" I had to rush after her, leaving Syrah behind to trudge along through the snow. "Why don't both of you wait" she lamented. She struggled after us as Max ran alongside of the house. She knelt down and began scooping snow away. At first I thought she was getting ready for another snowball fight.

Instead Max pulled out a red sled. She pointed over to the pond, immediately behind the house. "Push me around on the pond, it's frozen" I had to stop her. "Slow down when you're trying to sign, I'm still learning, now what did you say?" She sighed and signed once more. "The pond is frozen. Push me around on it in this sled." I looked over at the frozen body of water.

I looked behind me as Syrah made her way up to us. "That's dangerous Max. Let's not do that." Max was pouting. "Please, I've done it before." she asked. I didn't want to put either of us in danger. I hesitated for a moment. "Let me check it first" The snow crunched beneath me as I made my way to the pond.

Slowly and gently I took a step onto the frozen body of water. With the utmost caution I walked out all the way to the center. "This ice is thick enough" I knew there would be no problems. I motioned for Max to come over. She jumped at the idea and ran towards the edge. She placed the sled in front of her onto the ice and sat on it.

She pointed to the ropes. "Ride me around" she signed feverishly. She just wanted to have fun with me. I gave her a smile. "Very well then. No harm no foul" Syrah approached the edge of the lake. "Are you sure that's safe honey?" she shouted. "The ice is really thick. We'll be fine." She looked over her shoulder. "Okay, but please be careful. I don't want to have to dive in after anybody"

I took the ropes and started dragging her behind me. I watched her as she began laughing. How could I not enjoy having fun with her? "Ready now Max? I'm going to pick up speed now." I began running faster, the sled skidding across the ice. We ran in circles, my sister watching from the edge.

"Hold on tight now, Max." I began running faster as I shared in the laughter. This was another memorable moment between Max and myself. "Come out onto the pond Syrah and have some fun for a change." She shook her head. "Trust me, I'm fine where I am." Syrah was like that though. Always wanting to be the spectator. She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to stay warm.

I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Round and round and round we go. When we'll stop, nobody knows!" This was sucking the energy right out of me. Syrah suddenly began motioning to me. "Stop it! Stop it! Kate is coming!" she tried to yell. Suddenly I heard Kate yelling in total shock and urgency at us,

"No, no! Esther what are you doing? Get away from there!" She quickly made her way down the hillside. She was absolutely flustered as she signed to Max. "You know you're not allowed to play near the water. You know that! Come on, get out!" Syrah hung her head down, not sure if Kate was going to tear into her.

I slowly dragged the sled out of the pond. Max hung her head down. "Come on" I told her with the gentleness of a mother's love. "Max, get inside right now" Kate screamed. I got ahead of Max and tried to defend her. I walked hastily up to Kate. "Mommy, it was my idea. Please don't be mad."

"From now on Esther neither of you are allowed onto or near that pond. You two could have fell through the ice. Don't do that ever again" Max and I hung our heads low. She clutched onto my arm. Syrah rushed over. "Please Kate, I didn't know they weren't allowed out there. I'll see to it that it won't happen again."

All Kate could do was nod, her breath condensing in the chilly air. "Max come on, inside right now." She didn't want to leave my side. "But I want to stay with Esther and Syrah, I'm really sorry mommy" she signed innocently.

"Fine but just don't let it ever happen again, you know better than that." Max nodded slowly as any disciplined child would. "Again, I apologize so much Kate." Syrah added. Kate calmed down. "No, it's fine really. It's just I'm having enough trouble with Daniel today and…" Kate simply trailed off before turning back towards the house.

Syrah waited until she was out of sight. "Didn't I tell you?" she insisted. "Well what if we walk around and just talk. After all, what harm is Max going to do if we keep an eye on her?" Max seemed a little disappointed that her play time was cut so short. Syrah began speaking in Estonian.

"God forbid had you and Max fell through the ice. What if you and her had to be rushed to the emergency room? Do you know what could have happened besides death?" I didn't answer her.

Max clutched on to my hand as I listened to Syrah intently. "Leena, we all know your false identity is always dangling by a slender thread. Every moment. I want you to always remember that."

"Tell me something I don't know" I replied, also in our native Estonian. "I mean, well, I did a lot of thinking last night while I was in bed. I didn't sleep all that well. Seeing you is so wonderful again but it stirs up a lot of unanswered questions. Just too many things to touch on."

A brief silence as we crunched through the snow. "Go on" I insisted. "Seeing Max here. Daniel, as rude as he is. John and Kate. They…they made me think about that horrible phone call you made in that hospital." I immediately knew what my Sy Sy was speaking of.

I stared straight ahead. "You mean…you mean the murder…the Sullivans" She nodded slowly. There was such a dead serious look in her eyes. "Well it's not like I didn't know you would them up once more. It just… it opens up so many painful wounds for me." Syrah interjected. "You mean for the both of us."

Our Max was of course all but completely oblivious to our strong words. "It's just that this family reminds me of the lives you have taken. It makes me concerned for these people."

"Are you trying to say that you know I will snap again somewhere down the line." I wanted to delve into her deepest thoughts. "I would love to believe so. I want to believe it when you tell me such things. But sometimes they seem like empty promises. I know it hurts you for me to say that."

"Syrah, come on now. You're here with me and like you said, keeping an eye on me. It's not like I haven't welcomed you to this home with open arms." Syrah was a little on the flustered side. "You're not seeing the big picture, my dear sister. Sometimes I think even my very presence may not be enough to stop you. I just don't know what to think sometimes. Honestly, honestly, I do feel confused."

"Why must we talk about this? Look at Max, walking between us. Do you ever think I would hurt this child? I feel as if I could lay down my life for her in an instant." Were my words making any bit of sense to my big sister? "You've…you've ended the lives of young and old." she reminded me painfully.

"How can you love a murderer like me, Syrah? How do you still show love to me, so much so after all that has happened? I really ponder that question sometimes. How it stings at me." Syrah nodded in understanding.

"Like I've told you a million times before. The reason I still love you. The reason I never turned you in was because you're my only sister and that is why I love you." Syrah was getting a little choked up. Tiny Max looked on in concern. She signed to me. "What are you guys talking about? Why is Syrah crying?"

I was forced to ignore Max. How could I answer such a question. "Don't break Max's heart, Syrah. You're starting to cry on her." Syrah regained her sense of composure. Max grabbed onto Syrah's hand as well. "As I said, I was doing a lot of thinking last night and…well, I have a request for you. It's something I need to do."

"And what is that exactly, Syrah?" I was curious as to her request. "I…I need to see what happened for myself." She dried her eyes. "Meaning?" What could she be speaking of? "I need to see where the fire happened. With the Sullivans. Where you ended their lives" Syrah was full of melancholy. Like myself she was one to switch moods very quickly.

"It's a long ways away, Syrah. It's in a whole other state." Syrah was adamant. "I don't care about that. I have a rental car. Find the address for me because it's been eating away at my core."

"Syrah, all there is now is a burnt out shell of a house. It might not even be standing anymore. It could be a vacant field now for all I know." Syrah remained determined in her resolve. "That's not what I care about. I just want something to help bring closure to me. And I want you to come along with me."

That seemed like something I could never do. "Syrah, please. Don't open up those old wounds for the both of us. I know you will never be able to leave it in the past but it'll only make things worse for you. Come on now."

Syrah shook her head in refusal. "That's all I'm requesting. I'm not going to take no for an answer on this one. I don't care if we have to drive all day and night. Something is compelling me so much. I'm still having nightmares about it. Maybe I'm trying to see things from your perspective, I really don't know."

My thoughts turned towards that not so distant past. "The funeral, Syrah. It broke my heart into a million little pieces. You don't think I'm still not piecing it back together again?" We continued to huff and puff as we trudged along through the forest. "I would like to see their graves as well." To this my heart sank even further into the pit of my being.

"I honestly don't know where they're buried." Syrah had to almost catch herself from raising her voice. "Well we're going to see one or the other then. Just give me a chance to give myself some closure for a change." She pointed a finger at her heart. I nodded sympathetically. Max remained solemn and silent.

Just ahead we caught sight of Daniel and Brenda. "Great, the little bitch is here already" I thought. "That is one of the girl's who keeps harassing me at school" I informed my sister. Max seemed to recognize her. Brenda had her hands cusped around her mouth in a state of shock. Daniel was standing pathetically to the side, weeping.

"Now what is this all about?" I whispered. I cracked a sly smile seeing Daniel obviously upset over something. As the three of us approached I finally caught sight of what was causing their distress.

On the crisp white snow laid a dark pigeon. It's wings broken and body shattered. I approached him. "Did you kill it?" I asked plainly. "It was just a paintball, I didn't think it would hurt him" The poor creature was writhing in agony. I remained emotionless as I walked past Syrah and Max.

I brushed the snow off of a brick laying haphazardly besides us. I made my way back to Daniel and extended it to him. Brenda stepped backwards. Perhaps she anticipated what was going to happen next. "Put it out of it's misery". Daniel slowly looked up at me in disbelief.

"It's in pain and it's your responsibility." I explained. Syrah and Max could only look on. "It was just an accident" the little shit head whined. "If you walk away now it will starve to death. Is that what you want?" I told him sternly. Max came to my side and clutched onto my hand.

She looked up at her older brother. She was obviously concerned. Syrah came next to her. "I'm not doing it." I turned to Syrah. "Cover Max's eyes" I warned her. She quickly did so and turned Max away from the scene, holding her close in her arms.

My face cringed as I slammed the brick down onto the bird. An explosion of blood and guts painted the snow a crimson red. Max pulled herself away from Syrah and looked at the gory spectacle with grave concern. Syrah pulled the little girl back to her. My older sister was completely besides herself. "Don't look Max. Just don't look." she whispered into her ear.

Still, Max once again pulled herself away. I began to sign as I spoke to Daniel. My eyes meeting his. "It's alright, it's in Heaven now" He was clearly disturbed. "What's wrong with you?" He stormed away, leaving Brenda behind.

She angrily approached me. "You're sick, you know that?" she screamed. She pushed me hard causing me to tumble backwards into the snow. With a burst of primal energy I righted myself back to my feet. "You little bitch, come on and push me again!" I shouted. I lunged at Brenda, knocking her to the ground.

The two of us rolled around and in an instant Syrah broke up the fight. "STOP! STOP IT! ESTHER! BOTH OF YOU!" She pried us apart while Max got her first true sight of what I was really capable of doing. Without a word Brenda took off after Daniel. "Wait! Wait!" she shouted after him.

"You better run bitch!" I yelled in her direction. Syrah raised her voice at me. "Now that is ENOUGH!" I instantly quieted down, not wanting to upset her anymore. "Tell Max to go back inside" I let out a long exhale before signing to my daughter. She seemed overwhelmed by the violent episode.

"And please don't tell a soul what happened" I signed further. "Can your big sister rely on you?" I asked. Max slowly nodded before trudging away. Now I knew that I would be the one to be chewed out. The two of us waited until Max was well out of sight.

Syrah's face twitched. She was in stunned disbelief. "I'm here only two days and this happens." She pointed in the direction of the lifeless bird. "Did I not do the right thing, my dear? After all, it was in pain."

"Fucking shit, Leena. What about poor little Max? She had to see this?" For that I felt sorry for. "No, she didn't have to. Why the hell do you think I asked you to cover her eyes for me? I don't want to expose her to anything bad or wrong."

"Well you can't say that now can you?" she said sarcastically. "I'll talk to Max later on and explain why I had to do it." Syrah wasn't buying it. "You mean you couldn't have told Max to go away and then put the animal out of it's misery. Damnit, stop being so reckless!"

"And then you wonder why I say that I need to keep an eye on you. It's shit like this that you do. And to do it in front of children." She was truly disappointed in me. She raised her hand as if she were about to strike me. I braced myself but she restrained herself at the last minute and slowly lowered her arm.

"You better hope to God that Max doesn't tell Kate and John about this. Think before you act, my sister." That was easier said than done. "At least Daniel and Brenda know not to play their little games with me anymore. I sent my message across crystal clear." Did those words really just come out of my mouth?

"Do you not see my point, Leena? Max is probably upset right now. You better damn apologize to that little girl and don't you dare drag her down into shit like this. Am I making myself perfectly clear, Leena Klammer?"

"Yes, Syrah. It was something I did on impulse. I'm sorry you and her had to witness that." My voice was shallow and morose. "And then you wonder why I can't sleep well at night? Look at me, Klam Klam."

"You better apologize right away. And to Daniel as well." I whipped my head around. "I'll gladly apologize to Max but Daniel and I don't see each other on the same level, don't you see that?" She rolled her eyes. "If you don't apologize to him he might let his parents know what had happened, and we both don't want to think about the consequences of THAT."

Syrah always had a logical explanation behind anything she said. "I see your point. All this over a bird" I muttered. "Now Max is going to be scared of you. Do you realize you just showed her your darker side? Attacking Brenda as well? Now she has reason to stay away from you. Someone you consider your own…your own daughter." She could barely say such a thing without cringing.

I felt hollow inside. "I don't want to scare Max, Syrah. Again, I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean for her to see any of it. Like I said, I'll sit down and have a talk with her."

"The damage may already be done, Leena. She is only six years old, I mean what you just did frightened me and I'm a grown woman." I gulped. "I have to have eyes in the back of my head around you, Leena Klammer. This is very serious." I thought otherwise. I convinced myself I had performed a mercy killing. I always justified an act of murder after all.

"You better learn to keep yourself in check or I'm going to have to do it for you, understand?" It was almost as if she were threatening me. I turned around swiftly. I thought I was going to say something but I found myself suddenly at a loss of words.

"And?" she asked. "I'm just…okay, I'm sorry" Syrah took me by the hand as we walked back towards the house. "You better tell Max that, understand? You better be as sweet as sugar to that girl and give her a real heartfelt apology. I can't believe this." Once again I had let Syrah down. I had broken my own promise to myself not to do so ever again.

The rest of the trek back to the house was quiet. Syrah was pissed off and concerned for the children's well being. I broke the silence once more. "Please believe me when I say I didn't mean to hurt Max." She faced me. "I do believe you, Leena. But you better tell Max that face to face." She had calmed down once more. It probably took every ounce of strength she had to keep from giving me a crack across the face.

"And you better do so as soon as you get inside. This better not happen again. That was completely inappropriate of you. Nobody should have to see something like that. I swear you're going to give that little girl nightmares. And Daniel and Brenda for that matter."

As far as Daniel and Brenda were concerned I hoped they would have nightmares for many weeks to come. I really did feel pain for causing Max any kind of unnecessary hardship. "Max deserves an apology and she will get it." Syrah nodded. "Very well then. You have a head. Use it!" she said.

"Don't get me wrong, Leena. I understand you did what you did because the animal was suffering. But attacking Brenda? Yes, I know she started it but…but I need not speak further on this." It would be pointless for her to do so after all. She appeared flushed, in utter dismay at me despite her calm. As we approached the front door I hoped none of them had said a word to my "parents".

"Right away, Leena. Apologize to Max at least. Can you do that for me?" Like she hadn't driven the point home already. "Yes, Sy Sy. I want my Max, OUR Max, to have piece of mind." Syrah just shook her head. "Just go in and apologize to her already." Syrah was a bit forceful in her words. "It's bad enough Kate had to scold you for pushing Max around on the ice like that."

I was greeted by the warm blast of air which was a welcome reprieve from the cold. My eyes scanned the expanse, looking for John and Kate. The two of them were in the kitchen, seemingly normal and unaware of what went down. Syrah bent over to whisper in my ear. "I think you're in the clear as far as they are concerned, now go find Max."

"You really try to be more of a mother figure to me than a sister, do you Syrah Klammer." Her eyes darted back and forth. "Honey, I'm just looking our for you, now go on and apologize to Max." I did feel obligated after all. "Hello mommy and daddy" I chimed as I made my way to the stairs.

They greeted me with smiles and waves. I knew Daniel and Brenda had at least kept their mouths shut. I gingerly made my way up the stairs. Mommy had to have alone time with her precious Max. To explain what had happened and why.

I could hear Brenda and Daniel talking as I passed by his room although I couldn't make out the words. The door was slightly ajar. I peered inside as they were busily working on some sort of school related project. They looked as disturbed as they had been moments before. "As long as they stay the hell out of my way. That's all that matters." I had to tell myself.

I kind of chuckled to myself at the idea that there were three people under this roof whom I loved and three whom I wanted dead, well two once Brenda left. I approached Max's room. I knocked gently and pressed my ear to the door. There was no answer.

I turned the doorknob and pushed my way inside, gently so as not to startle the child. Max was standing forlornly at her window, staring blankly into space. I sat down on the edge of her bed as she turned around.

I patted the bed besides me and signed to her. "Max, please come here so I can speak with you." She was obviously saddened over what I had done. Ever obedient, she took her place next to "Esther". I signed and spoke ever so gently so as not to be overheard.

My eyes were suddenly drawn upwards as Syrah entered the room. She crossed her arms as she watched us. She nodded so as to give me the go ahead. I began signing and speaking. "Max, what you seen me do today I didn't mean for you to see."

She listened patiently and with intent. Her eyes remaining ever fixated on my own. "It was your brother's fault for having shot the poor bird with the paintball gun. He shouldn't have done that. That was very wrong of him." Syrah stirred uncomfortably, perhaps with the thought that I was trying to shift all of the blame on Daniel.

I became very tender with Max. My voice remained calm and soothing. I kindly stroked the girl's hair. "There was nothing any of us could do to help that bird. It would have gone hungry and died in the cold. Now you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"

All she could manage was to shake her head slowly, side to side. "I did it because I had to. That is why I had Syrah cover your eyes. And I only pushed Brenda back down because she attacked me first. You're not mad, are you?" I placed my hands gently on her shoulders.

"No" she mouthed. She began signing herself. "I understand now." I smiled. "That's a good girl. I hope you don't think I'm some sort of bad person." This really caused Syrah discomfort with all the knowledge she had of my various misdoings. "Not at all" Max signed.

"I wouldn't do something like that unless I really had to. You know mommy wouldn't do such a thing without good reason." Syrah's eyes widened. I fucked up again! "Mommy?", Max mouthed in confusion. This is the second time this had happened.

For a moment I felt tense. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Syrah was the same way. I quickly corrected the situation. "Don't be silly, I mean our mommy Max." The tot managed to give me a smile. "There's that smile" I commended her.

"Don't worry Max. Everything will be fine now. I'm glad you understand. Syrah and I just wanted to make sure of that and that you were okay. That is all." I could tell Max was still put off but that she would be no worse for wear come the next day.

"Alright then. Maybe later on you, Syrah and I can go outside once more and build a snowman. Would that cheer you up?" Now I really felt a motherly instinct kick in. She was as good as my own as far as I was concerned. I couldn't help but feel emotional. "If mommy lets us" she signed.

I breathed a sigh of relief. "But let's not upset mommy and daddy by telling them what happened, okay. They'll get mad at me and start yelling." Max, not wanting her new sister to get into trouble nodded vigorously in agreement

I gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead, in the hope of offering her reassurance. Max was still not quite herself. Syrah nodded to me in approval as I passed by. She grabbed me gently and knelt down.

"And Daniel?" she whispered. "When hell freezes over" I smiled. "It's your risk if that's how you want to be" she reprimanded. "Come with me to my bedroom, Syrah. I have a photo I would like to show you." I caught her a little off guard. "And what is that exactly?" I led the way. "Just follow me already."

We entered the dreariness of my room having left Max behind. I turned on the light and went over to my dresser drawer. "What is it you're looking for?"

"Here it is." I materialized my Bible, the very one I clutched onto when I escaped the Saarne Institute. "This is my secret book, Syrah. I showed this to you back in Estonia." Syrah ringed her hands in apprehension.

"The photos, I…I've seen them already." she tried to explain. I pulled out a family photo of the Sullivans and myself. I extended the picture to her. "Take it. Look at it." She slowly extended her hand, almost hesitant to lay eyes on the picture.

As she brought the picture closer she covered her mouth in shock. I could immediately tell that she knew who the people besides myself were in that photograph. "The…the Sullivans?" she asked in quietly yet in an almost bewildered manner.

I nodded. "Yes, I wrote their names on the back." Syrah flipped the photo over and read the names. "Veronica…Paul…Rebecca…Esther" she uttered. She was flabbergasted. "Why would you want to show this to me? Why do you think I want to see this?"

"Because you want to go see where the fire occurred. To see their graves as well. I just figured this would be something that would, well, interest you, if I dare say that." Her eyes squinted. She inspected it with a keen interest. I could tell she was drawn to my own smiling image.

"You, all of you seemed so happy. I can't believe it had to end that way." Before my sister could become anymore upset I carefully took the picture from her. She slowly raised her head, eyes meeting mine. I could see how puzzled and baffled she was. That I would take the life of such wonderful people.

I carefully returned the photo to the yellowed and worn pages of that old Bible. Syrah looked away towards the window. I pulled out yet a second photo. It was a photo my Syrah had given me before I left for Russia. Her and I, hugging and smiling together for the camera.

I handed it to her all in some attempt to bring a little cheerfulness to her day. She put her hand over her heart. Now she seemed touched. "Remember Syrah, just like you said, we just move forward from this point. Together." Without a word she drew me near and hugged me tight.

"I know the past is the past sweetheart but please understand why I want to see what had happened." I placed my head comfortably on her shoulder. The sweet moment was finally broken. "See you later in school, Esther." crackled Brenda's voice as she passed by in the hallway. Her cocky tone only indicated the utter contempt she must now hold for me.

"Ignore her, honey. Please." Syrah insisted. "Looks like she really has a reason to hate me now. Not that I give a damn." I sputtered in anger. "Just keep your distance from her." Like Syrah actually thought that was somehow possible? Rather than talk back I simply held my tongue.

Syrah returned her gaze to the photo of us. "A lot of memories my dear. A lot of memories. I wish I had brought my photo album but it's back in Tallinn." she said in disappointment. "Well we'll start a new one. You and I. John and Max." My sister knew I would never include Kate and Daniel in such an album.

"So when exactly do you plan on making this trip out of state? To see, you know, what's left of the Sullivan's house?" She shrugged. "On a weekend, when you are not in school. We'll drive up to, what's the state called again?"

"Maine, besides if that is what you want then I'll come with you but you know it's going to be really painful for the both of us. I'm just telling you in advance. It won't be easy." Syrah remained ever determined. "Well then that's the price of it. If I can get some closure that's what helps me sleep at night. I'm not going to procrastinate about it either. I'm serious."

I wanted to crack a cruel joke almost and say something along the lines of "dead serious" but I understood how inappropriate that would be. I kept quiet in consideration of my sister's feelings.

Kate's sudden presence broke the moment. "There the two of you are. Won't you come down and spend some time with me? No need to be cooped up in the bedroom all day." I put on the false smile of childhood innocence. "Yes, mommy. Give us a moment." I turned back to Syrah, the brilliant smile transforming into an instant frown of discord for that woman.

I made sure Kate was out of sight. "You really think I want to spend time with that woman, Syrah? Now you see how difficult life can be for me." Syrah disagreed. "Come on now, she isn't a bad person. Now stop making a fuss and lets just go downstairs. We're making ourselves look bad by trying to be solitary."

She certainly had a point there. "I really just feel like painting today. It's the only thing that keeps her and Daniel off of my mind."

"Just do as Kate says already, dear. I know you don't like her and Daniel but you have to fight through that. If you're not tolerant they are going to notice and we don't want to upset Kate with you only living here for a little while now."

Ah, my sister's logical side. Always trying to steer my course in some appropriate direction. "She's infatuated with you after all. Can't you see that?" Max followed behind us from her bedroom as we went to be with Kate.

"I only want Max and John to be infatuated with me." Syrah ignored this statement as Max skipped ahead. "And speak English when we're downstairs. It seems rude to always be speaking Estonian." Syrah reminded me.

We spotted Kate in the dining room. Max was jumping up and down, eagerly signing to her mother. "Want to build a snowman, I want to build a snowman". She went on and on. "I told you how quickly she would revert to her old self" I said to Syrah.

"No, not now Max. Stay inside for the rest of the day." Max was frustrated. "But the snow is going to melt!" She was so charming to me. "Max, not now." Kate was working on a large jig saw puzzle. The kind with the annoying little pieces that were impossible to assemble.

"You girls care to help me?" Kate asked. "Of course Mrs. Cole…I mean Kate." replied Syrah. It was painful to even sit across from my enemy like this. Still, like Syrah said, spending time with Kate was the only real way to avoid suspicion.

"How exactly do you put these together" I asked. I could tell Syrah wanted nothing to do with this. "Kate, what if I play the piano for us while you and Esther work together?" I wanted to glare at Syrah. "Yeah, thanks for wanting to leave me alone with Kate" I thought.

"That would be wonderful." Max took Syrah's place as Sy Sy went over to the piano yet out of sight. The melodious sounds of Bach soon filtered through the environment. "Your sister is such a wonderful piano player. When are you going to let me teach you?" Kate asked.

Of course I hid the fact that I was just as good as Syrah at the piano from my new so-called mother. "Whenever you're willing to teach me. I really can't wait to start learning. I never bothered to learn like Syrah has." That's it, a little white lie never hurt.

"Well then the sooner we finish this puzzle the sooner I can start teaching." she teased. I don't know why exactly I was hiding this truth from Kate. Wouldn't it be all the more charming to John and Kate if I DID show them my true talent? It was too late at that point, the lie was already said and done.

The sudden realization came to me that Syrah was playing the piano to help me to become comfortable around Kate. I smiled warmly. My sister was actually doing me a favor.

"First Esther we need to sort through all of these little pieces. You sort them by color, you see? Darks over here, blues and reds and greens in their own little piles." I shook my head understandingly although I could really care less about this sort of nonsense. Max seemed to have done this many times before as she hastily began sorting.

My John suddenly entered the room. "The mail from yesterday. You didn't bring it in" he told his wife as he handed her a stack of mail. "Well then put it in the living room, not here on the table. Don't you see we're having girl time?"

A little chill went up my spine. "Daddy, won't you help us with this puzzle. It's oh so difficult" I said sweetly. "Honey I design buildings and that is hard enough." I pouted. "Please, daddy." I knew how to make him melt for me.

"If my baby girl insists than everything else can wait". I smiled as John took his seat. "Syrah playing the piano?" he asked. Kate nodded. "She plays so beautifully, doesn't she?"

I guess this was what they call "family time". Something ever foreign to me. I sat between John and Max, content with the simplicity of the moment. Who ever said a bad girl can't be good too?

**In the next chapter, Esther's identity is nearly revealed to Kate through a shear accident. Later on, Syrah makes a discovery among Leena's possessions that causes a stir between the two of them.**

**Thank you all for reading! Subscribe, review, PM! One of my New Year's Resolutions to put out my works at a quicker pace. A happy and prosperous New Year to everyone!**


	38. Fanning The Flames

**In the last chapter, Esther showed Syrah and Max her sinister side while delivering a clear message to Brenda and Daniel. In this chapter, we find Esther getting ready for her bath time during Sunday night. Little did she know what Syrah was going to find…**

Oh, how my heart loathed the woman standing beside me as she filled the bathtub to the brim. I gently ran my hand through the water. "Is it warm enough for you?" she asked. "Yes, thank you" I replied politely. Her bright eyes spoke to me of her satisfaction of having me as her new daughter. "Okay, call me if you need anything."

The dimmed bathroom light made for such a peaceful and tranquil environment as Kate closed the door behind her. Certainly a far way from the filthy shower stalls at the orphanage. I quickly locked the door. All my most private and damning secrets were about to be laid to bare. I always felt nervous disrobing.

I could never shake the paranoia that I would truly be caught. What an unnerving experience to have nothing but a door between myself and the stark and bitter reality of whom I really was.

My heart suddenly skipped a beat as I heard the doorknob turn. I quickly wrapped the bathrobe back around my body. God forbid should this be the time and place for my secrets to be laid out for all to see. "Esther?", Kate knocked gently. "Esther" she said in a stern demeanor. "Open this door."

I unlocked the door, stepping back slightly as she pushed it open. I looked up at her as if I were about to be chewed into. "What are you doing?" she asked perplexingly . "I always lock the door." I explained. After all, doesn't a girl deserve her privacy?

"No, we don't lock doors in this house." I swear I wanted to smack the look clear off her face! "But what if someone comes in and sees me?" My eyes pleaded for her approval. She seemed a little upset, as if I had broken some cardinal rule that was set into the proverbial stone..

"Nobody's going to come in here. Look, I'll stand out here if that's what you want" she gestured in emphasis. I clutched onto my robe. "I can sing for you." I cooed gently. "I used to sing for the sister's at the orphanage to know that I was alright". Anything to get her off of my ass!

I was met by an odd gaze, Kate being not quite sure what to make of such an offer. "Okay…look, um, you know what. This is just for tonight." Without a word she closed the door as I relocked it. I cleared my throat.

The very lyrics almost seemed to hurt my ears as I began singing "The Glory of Love". I knew Kate and the whole family would hear my innocent little tune. My voice bellowed throughout the household.

I finally disrobed and stared at the beige colored gauze that covered my chest. I placed my hands over my torso. How I hated wearing it. It felt restricting, almost in the same manner as the straight jacket that had once confined me so cruel and unjustly. How I welcomed the release as I delicately peeled it off.

As I allowed myself to slide into the inviting water my attention was drawn to the sound of what must have been Kate moving around in the hallway. She always seemed to busy herself with some manner of chores to occupy her time, considering she was no longer employed.

I heard her as she walked into my room. I could feel the blood coursing through my veins as my heart began to race. I felt like my privacy was being invaded every single time she entered. I strained to listen closely.

I always worried that she would come across things meant for my eyes only. Some piece of evidence that would take me right to the chopping block.

No! I heard something drop. I became ever more unnerved. A dreadful fearfulness began to envelop me like a thick blanket. "Kate, just get the fuck out of there already. What is your business in there at this time of night?" I thought.

I couldn't be sure exactly what she was doing as I continued singing. Suddenly, my body nearly went numb as I heard the footsteps approaching me. I almost scrunched up inside the bathtub as my mouth yammered out those idiotic lyrics..

I could only imagine her finding my Bible. Seeing all of those photos. All those guilty little sins of mine and demanding an explanation. Yes, even taking a bath was proving to be an ordeal for me. I closed my jaw tightly as the footsteps clomped loudly on the wooden floor.

Fortunately enough they passed by the bathroom and down the steps. I could breathe a little easier. The adrenaline continued to course through my veins as I tried to convince myself that all was well. Carefully, I stood up and made my way to the doorway. A wet trail of little footprints marking out my path.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I opened the bathroom door. I peered ominously towards my bedroom. Without warning I heard another set of footsteps approaching from the hallway.

No sooner had Kate left the room I watched as Syrah approached from the guest bedroom where she was staying. She seemed on edge herself. She looked back and forth making sure that the coast was clear.

She seemed to measure her own footsteps as she herself seemed to be on some sort of mission. I wanted to say something but I suddenly and inexplicably felt tongue tied. "What the hell is this all about?" I wondered.

I could only watch as she entered my room. Apparently she didn't place to much more emphasis on my privacy than Kate had. "What the hell is she doing?" I said flustered, hitting my closed fists on my legs. Just as she appeared to be turning her head around I panicked and closed the door tight to avoid detection.

"What is Syrah going to find that she doesn't already know about?" I tried my best to convince myself of this as I allowed myself to sink back into the warm caress of the water. "Just relax, Leena. Nothing to get upset over."

I floated back into my own little private oasis. My own peaceful little island of bliss in a sea of turmoil. "Nothing to worry about" I muttered. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to soak.

I found it so comfortable to finally have some time to myself. With Max and the family constantly keeping me on my feet I welcomed the warm feeling that was always so elusive to me.

I was quick to forget about Kate and Syrah's incursions into my privacy, thinking that it was nothing to be concerned about. At that moment though I was truly ignorant of the truth.

"And when the world is through with us, we got each other's arms", my loud melody once again broke the silence of the evening. Did I feel ridiculous singing such a childish rhyme? The words had flowed countless times from my mouth in my constant effort to "be" sweet and charming.

I soon quieted down as I allowed myself to doze. "You've come along way Leena. A LONG way" I reminded myself. I let my arm drape lazily over the tub. My mind soon became as still as the water.

BANG! BANG! BANG! The water splashed around loudly as I was rudely interrupted from my "me" time. "YES!" The door remained lock.

"You better open this door right this minute. Right here and RIGHT NOW!" Syrah yelled. The anger in her voice immediately filled me with a sense of dread..

Once again the adrenaline began to rush at the thought quickly flashed through my mind as to why she seemed so upset "What is it Syrah? What's wrong?" I called from the water. The doorknob began turning almost violently as she banged again.

"Do you want John and Kate up here? Calm down Syrah and give me a moment." I retrieved the bathrobe that I had carelessly left on the floor and slid it back on. I stuck my hand out but for a brief second I held myself back. Whenever Syrah got angry it was for good reason.

I hesitated to open the door as she knocked almost incessantly. "Give me a MOMENT!" I pleaded. No sooner than I unlocked the door, Syrah flung it open. I had to catch it from hitting the bathroom wall.

"Syrah, what's wrong?" She looked absolutely disgusted with me. "What's wrong? What's WRONG! Come with me into your bedroom and I'll SHOW you what I think is wrong!"

"Well what were you doing in my room to begin with?" I asked as I followed her hastily. "I was looking for that Sign Language book but I found something ELSE instead!"

My mind tried to search for an answer as to what she was talking about. "What is there that she doesn't know about" I tried to remind myself. I could feel the tension in the air escalate as we approached.

Syrah closed her fists at her sides. I could tell it was taking a lot for her to keep from bursting in anger. As soon as we made it inside I closed the door hurridly. Syrah refused to make any sort of eye contact with me, as if doing so would awaken an ever greater anger. I walked up to Syrah and tried to grab her hands. She violently tugged them away from me.

"Come on now, what IS IT? You're scaring me" She mumbled something incomprehensible to herself as she pulled a stack of papers from off of my dresser. "Care to explain?" she said as she shoved the incriminating evidence for me to see in all it's sordid details.

"Oh Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed, placing an open hand over my mouth in utter shock.. These papers were something that would get Syrah pissed all right. I had the habit of not only painting but making pencil sketches. Normally I made sketches of buildings and landscapes. These sketches though were for my own enjoyment only!

They were intimate sketches of Syrah and I making love. Her and I in various stages of intimate passion with one another. My most intimate of fantasies immortalized on graphite and paper.

I had sketched them long before I had met John and Kate and literally treasured them. Still, the fantasies I spent so much time immortalizing on paper were things that for most people would be much to vulgar to even repeat. My hands gave out on me as I let the sketches fall to the floor. I was speechless.

"So this is the sort of sick thing you do with your spare time, is it Leena?" The bathwater dripped pathetically onto the floor as I clutched onto the robe covering my body. I shivered, not from cold, but out of fear.

I simply stared at the sketches scattered across the floor with a strange lack of emotion. Her rage nearly boiled over on me. "What did I tell you back in Estonia? WHAT did I TELL you?" I remained silent. "I asked you a question, Leena! And when I ask a question I would appreciate an answer rather than having you stand there as a load!"

I became hopelessly embarrassed as I blushed. "Don't blush! This is SERIOUS!" Syrah warned. "That it would never be that way" I mumbled.

"WHAT? What did I tell you back home?" she asked, cocking her head. Her normally gentle eyes had become dark and serious. Her tone was sharpened with anger.

It took everything to muster the courage to look at her. "That it would never be that way" I repeated. "The way father was with us." Syrah reached down to pick up the drawings. She began angrily tearing the sketches apart. "You just don't get it, DO YOU Leena." She threw the scraps into my face as she stormed out of the room.

"Syrah, wait! Why can't we talk about this. You know how…" Like a whirlwind she spun around in the hallway. She shoved her finger in my face. She gritted her teeth. "Get rid of those disgusting things, do you hear me? Get rid of them and do it now!" When Syrah was angry she was angry. It was always such a total contrast to her normal self.

Kate's voice suddenly bellowed from downstairs, or "The Bitch" as I always so fondly thought of her. "Esther? Syrah? What's going on up there? How come all the noise?" I ran over to the banister. "It's nothing mommy. Nothing at all. I'm done taking my bath."

"Well then can you please get ready for bed?" Syrah shook her head at me in complete disgust. "Yes, mommy. Give me a few more minutes." I suddenly felt a sharp slap to the back of my head. One, then two, then three strikes. I held the back of my head in pain.

"I can't believe you sometimes, Leena. If you still have those sort of feelings towards me don't you dare think about acting on them."

"What the fuck do you go and crack me for?" I hissed. My sister held me back as I approached. "Like there's really a need for me to answer that"

She followed me back into the room as I got down on my knees to pick up the mess of paper.

"I thought we made this perfectly clear last year and then I have to find this shit! Just what in the world is wrong with you? Huh? I'm never going to be able to get those images out of my head now!" I scrambled to pick up the pieces as I heard running coming up the steps.

"Hurry up, she's coming!" Syrah hissed. Sure enough, Kate made her way closer to us with a load full of laundry. I hid the scraps behind my back, curling them into a tight ball as Kate approached us. She seemed puzzled by what was going on.

After a brief pause she spoke. "Is everything okay with you guys?" I continued squeezing the ball behind my back. "Yes, mommy. Why do you think something is wrong?" I knew my innocence would win her over every time!

"I thought I heard you girls arguing. Are you sure everything is alright? Esther, why are you on your knees?" Syrah made her move. "Kate, nothing is wrong. Why don't I help you put that laundry away." Kate still seemed somewhat besides herself. "Um, yeah, okay." Syrah glared at me as she followed Kate.

I knew she just saved my ass. I looked longingly upon the ball of paper I now held in my hands. With a great deal of hesitance, I took the ball of paper and threw it in the trash can next to my vanity.

"Thanks a lot, Syrah. Tear up my heart while you're at it!" I couldn't help but feel hurt. I was in this house because I was in love with John but the feelings I had for Syrah had never waned in the least nor did I feel they ever would. To me it was as natural as breathing.

"If all the hell she were searching for is the damn sign language book, why the hell was she so on edge?" I thought. She certainly seemed that way approaching my room. Was she searching for something else? Perhaps my Saarne issued Bible? The book that contained so many of my dirty little secrets?

I kicked the wall in frustration. "Esther, please keep it down. Max is trying to sleep." Kate's voice never failed to send a chill through me. "I apologize mommy. I'll get ready for bed now." I chimed. "Is your homework done?" she asked. "Yes, mommy."

I now wasn't the least worried that Syrah would tell John or Kate about her little discovery. I almost wanted to cry. Now the night had felt all but ruined for me. "Why bother? Why bother becoming upset? I know how Syrah feels about this. Why expect anything different"

Now I worried that once again I had proven myself to be nothing but a disappointment to Syrah. "Great, now she probably won't even want to speak to me. Damnit, Leena Klammer!" I plunked myself hard onto my bed.

I chastised myself. "No fucking rest for me tonight. Why the hell, just why the hell didn't you hide those better?" I was always in the habit of beating myself up like this. From where I lie I could stare out into the hallway. I knew if I allowed my mind to wander that I would only make myself more miserable.

I watched as Kate passed by. She leaned to the side so as to check on me. She knew something was wrong. I couldn't hide how miserable I now felt. Once again she repeated herself. "Esther, is everything alright. You don't look very well." I felt my body tighten. It took so much out of me to keep myself from breaking down in tears.

I refused to answer her. It seemed if my mind was almost frightened to allow me to speak. Kate knocked gently on the door so as to grab my attention. "Esther, come on now, I KNOW there's something wrong."

How badly I wanted to ignore her voice. To simply make her go away and leave me be for the rest of the evening. "Mommy, really, I'm telling you…" Kate interrupted me as she sat at the edge of my bed. "Sit next to me, Esther and talk to mommy, there's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not in trouble or anything like that."

"Oh God, did Syrah just talk!" I thought as I sat up. "Your big sister seems to be really upset about something. Now tell me what happened. I'm not mad at you I'm just curious. I know you guys were arguing about something."

I decided to tell Kate a half truth as she placed a hand over my shoulder. As strange as it still seems to me, the broad smile on Kate's face did seem to bring me some sense of reassurance.

"That's all it was mommy. Syrah and I got into an argument." I admitted. Kate pushed further for the truth. "Well, about what?" I hoped against hope that I would play her for the fool I knew she was.. "Just sister stuff, she ruined some of my sketches by accident and we got into a fight about it." Like a child I kept my explanations simple and short.

"Well I don't want there to be any kind of fighting in this house, especially with Syrah. She has gone through an awful lot just to be here to see you." I knew not to run my mouth any further when it came to Kate. Silence was sometimes the best medicine in situations like this..

Out of the corner of my eye I seen that Syrah had stopped in the doorway to listen. Kate turned around in surprise as she spoke up. "I'm sorry about that Kate. It was nothing, really. Esther just became upset with me and I had to calm her down. It was just a silly little accident. We didn't mean to wake Max. My little Esther is such a handful sometimes."

Kate seemed satisfied by Syrah's explanation. "Listen, you need to keep it down because Max needs her sleep. She has a doctor's appointment early in the morning and I want her to get some rest. It's hard to get her to sleep to begin with"

"Mrs. Coleman…I mean Kate…I apologize…" Syrah looked over at me. "We apologize", I immediately got her drift. "Yes, mommy. Sorry about all this. Will you tell Max we're sorry?" Kate leaned over to give me a kiss.

"Yes but just remember what I said. NO MORE fighting. Understand?" I nodded like a child who had just been scolded.

Max suddenly caught my attention as she appeared in the doorway. "And this is why" she added. She led Max back to her room. "Come on now, off to bed Max." She looked drowsy as she rubbed her tired eyes.

"What was all the noise?" she signed. "Get to bed, right now Max. We have to be up bright and early tomorrow. And you too, Esther. It's starting to get late."

Syrah and I were left alone once again. I couldn't search for the right words. It was too awkward of a moment. She began pacing the room slowly. She too seemed to have trouble figuring out what to say. She held her chin, almost in an inquisitive manner.

With her words in Estonian, she finally spoke. "If you want to know something, Leena. How I really feel. This doesn't surprise me in the least. Really, it doesn't." I laid back down on the bed, folding my hands neatly over my stomach.

Syrah continued her pacing. "I should've known all along that you still felt that way about me, you know that?" I thought that maybe, just maybe what I had told you back in Estonia would have grabbed hold with you. But you never seem to take anything I say to you to heart."

"That's NOT true!" I exclaimed defensively. "If anything I'm always thinking about what you say. Always thinking about it."

Her voice had mellowed. She kept a cool head. She always had a better master of self-control than I ever had.

"Leena, you never think twice do you? I mean what if Max had found those by accident? Or Kate? Or anyone besides me for that matter?" I sat up to listen. "I never meant for you to find those in the first place!" I told her truthfully.

"I'm not here for more than a few days and already I'm forced to worry. Don't be the death of me. It's beyond words, sweetheart. It's really beyond words. Something like this should never even be spoken about. You hurt me yet again, you really have and that was something I was hoping would never happen again"

I could see the pain and sadness in her eyes but I had to retort. "And I'm sorry but at least when we were in Estonia I let you know how I really felt about you. At least I didn't try to hide it or pretend my feelings didn't exist."

Syrah rolled her eyes. "Don't try to justify this, Leena. You're way of letting me know just how you felt back in Estonia was by sticking your damn tongue in my mouth!"

"If you weren't so damn surprised by the way I still feel when you found those drawings then why the hell do you want to tear into me like this?" That's right, I was going to defend myself. Syrah shot back. "Are you blind to common sense? Because it's SICK! It's ridiculous that we even have to have this kind of conversation!"

"God forbid had Kate found those. You constantly talk about keeping who you are a secret yet you do something so obvious as to draw that disgusting trash! You're damn right I'm going to tear into you! You're fanning the flames by doing what you did."

I plopped my head back onto my pillow. I stared off into space. "You realize that when you pull things like this that it becomes harder and harder for you and I to even have a normal relationship?" I continued in my own defense. "I made those drawings long ago, Syrah. I almost forgot all about them."

"That I don't believe. That's why you had them hidden in your school books. Then I'm the one who has to stumble on them. I'll make it clear to you one last time, Leena. I love you to death, you know that and I ALWAYS will and I'd move mountains for you, but for the last time I'm not IN love with you. How much clearer must I make this? This is NOT how I want to spend my time in America with you. Having to explain this shit to my own sister."

She continued on. "How many times have you talked and said you want to make me feel happy for you. To be proud of you. Do you think I'm able to have even a shred of dignity for you when I came across that? Thank God it's in the garbage where it belongs. Get those sick feelings you have out of your head!"

"You could have always put those drawings back and pretended they didn't exist. You're the one who is choosing to bring this up with me." I felt like there was nothing more that needed to be said as I became silent. "Hello? Earth to Leena. I am still here!"

"Yes, they're in the trash can. You tore them up after all. Just take them and let me have a little peace and quiet. Don't you think I don't have enough to worry about than some stupid drawings I sketched out?"

Syrah's mouth opened but she failed to speak. Her finger remained frozen in front of her before she finally regained composure. "I don't want to start things out on the wrong foot with you again. Don't make things tougher than they have to be. I put my life on hold so that I could once again become a part of yours, Leena my dear."

"It's Esther" I corrected. She appeared frustrated at me being such a smart ass. "Again, I'm not going to start things off on the wrong foot. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to pretend this never happened. We're going to pretend we never had this talk and that I never found those sketches. Is that fair enough, Leena?"

I gave a slight little nod. "I felt like throwing up just looking at those abominations. But you're still sick. I know it's not all your fault. People just don't do these things. Lord only knows what else I would find had I kept looking."

"There's nothing you would find that you don't already know about" I assured her bluntly. "Never again, Leena. Just make sure that this never happens again. So with that said, have a nice night, Leena Klammer." A subdued sense of anger remained in her voice.

I turned on my side and placed my hands underneath my head. "Night" I responded flatly. As if a whole new week of school wasn't something to worry about in and of itself. Syrah turned off the light and closed the door. I was now alone. I truly felt angry with myself.

I slammed my fist into the side of my head in frustration. "So fucking stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" A rush of throbbing pain reached my head with every blow. Self-abuse was nothing new to me after all. I tried to close my eyes but couldn't. All I could think about was how many other secrets I was hiding from Syrah.

After all, the murder of little Samantha was just one secret that was still being withheld from her. I was determined to be more careful. "Why do you have to be so damn careless with these things?" I thought to myself. After all, I always needed a reason to berate myself over something.

Still, I had completely convinced Syrah while in Estonia that I would drop any romantic feelings I had towards her. She seemed so sure of this when I boarded the train that spirited me away to Russia. Now that all had changed. I tried to tone down the whole situation.

"It could have been worse, Leena. Like Syrah said, had John or Kate seen them? Had Max seen them?" I cringed at the thought. I felt dizzy as my brain imagined all of those horrible scenarios. Better for my sister to have found those sketches than one of the Colemans. To that there was no doubt.

I talked gently to myself. "They're sketches. No more and no less. Hold back the tears, Leena. Be a strong woman." Tomorrow would bring a whole new round of torment and aggravation. I really wanted to run into little Tiffany again. I REALLY needed a human punching bag to take out all of my aggression on.

But like with so many other things I decided to simply bottle up what had just happened. To what benefit was there to keep dragging this on? I thought I heard soft crying in the room next door. I sat up in the darkness.

It certainly wasn't Syrah. No, it was my little Max. My daughter had become frightened by something. I walked over to the wall and pressed my ear against it. I heard Kate make her rounds yet again.

"Oh no, Max, what's wrong?" I decided I had to make myself feel better. I sneaked out of my room, temporarily forgetting the fight with Syrah that I had just engaged in. I poked my head into Max's doorway.

The little lamp on the end table was lit as Kate tried to comfort her daughter. I tried to use my most innocent tone. "What's wrong mommy?" Kate's eyes immediately locked on mine. "She had a nightmare. Nothing serious." Max seemed to be shaking in her mother's arms.

I signed to Max. "Max, you had a nightmare? Come here to Esther." I cradled her as I rocked her gently back and forth. This brought a smile to Kate's face. "It's okay Max. The monsters can't get you anymore. You're safe now." If only she knew she was being cradled by a real life monster.

I held her for a few precious minutes, almost forgetting Kate was even there. I gently laid her back down into bed as Kate tucked her in. "Thank you, Esther. So sweet of you. Now Max really knows she has a big sister who really cares"

I smiled at Kate. Of course the smile was nothing more than a manufactured rouse. "You mean a mother who really cares" I thought in the recesses of my mind.

"Esther, off to bed now. School tomorrow." Max closed her eyes as I took one last glance at her for the evening. Ever obedient I returned to my lonely abode. "Have to learn how to be a mother after all." I reminded myself. I couldn't allow myself to become annoyed just because Max had a bad dream.

If I could find the strength to take care of Max than I could "forget" about tonight just as Syrah said she would. If I couldn't empower myself than who would? The bed sprang noisily as I climbed back in.

"Oh, shit!" I remembered. I quickly bounded back up and hurried out of the room. I nearly ran right into Kate. "Esther, NOW what is it? Slow down before you fall!" I was so glad to have remembered. "Just something I forgot in the bathroom, that's all" I could tell I had gotten a little under Kate's skin.

I discreetly scooped up the gauze I had so carelessly left underneath the sink. I chastised myself. "This is what I mean about being so careless about things." I couldn't believe I had left something so incriminating in plain sight. I still was wearing a bathrobe and had not even bothered to change out of it yet as I stuffed the gauze underneath.

"What were you missing?" Kate asked. I whizzed past her without even answering, pretending that I didn't hear her. I stuffed the gauze behind my vanity. A place where I knew Kate wouldn't stumble onto it.

As I changed out of the bathrobe and into my nightgown I found myself listening intently as I began to hear Kate and Syrah speaking in the hallway. My sister's accent was unmistakable. I strained once more to hear what was going on. It took a few moments to finally make out the conversation.

"I don't understand why Esther is acting so strangely tonight. She seemed fine enough when she took her bath, is she telling the truth about why you guys were fighting?" Now that had me on my toes! "Just lie, Syrah. It's not so hard."

"Kate, you know how much Esther is into painting and drawing and all that happened was I spilled a drink on some of the drawings she had made of her and I. You know how kids can be. She just became overly upset. She'll be alright in the morning."

Syrah continued. "In any case, I've already talked to her about it. Don't get yourself worked up Kate. Esther and I are like two peas in a pod. I just know how she can be sometimes when something doesn't go her way. Nothing for you to lose any sleep over."

"Great, because believe me I need all the sleep I can get" Kate joked. Kate must have been satisfied with this explanation as I took a long exhale. "Thank you, Syrah." She never failed to cover for me when I was in a tight spot.

Still, my mind was drawn to something else Syrah had told me earlier. The fact that she wanted to see the very sight where the Sullivans had met their end. That was for next weekend and if it wasn't one thing to worry about than there was always something else.

I stared blankly at the digital alarm clock. It almost seemed to mock me as one minute passed into another. Each minute bringing me all the more closer to another week full of trials and hardship.

Now I felt distant from Syrah both as a sister and a friend. In fact, I felt distanced from the entire household. I had to remind myself over and over again as to why I was here in the first place. "If Syrah forgets, I will forget. If Syrah forgets, I will forget."

I repeated the sentence countless times in my mind as I tried to drift off. If tonight wasn't easy for me to deal with, what made me think tomorrow would be any better?

**In the next chapter, Esther explodes at school when Brenda finally attempts to steal her Bible in the hallway. Kate finally sees the first signs of trouble when the teacher informs her of Esther's behavior. Because of this, Esther will have to come to terms and try to explain herself. when confronted by Kate about the incident, As always, a big thanks to everyone who is reading. Please review, favorite, and subscribe. Thanks!**


	39. Of Hurt And Healing  Part 1

**In the last chapter, Syrah made a shocking discovery that once again tested her relationship with Leena. After a confrontation, Leena found herself rejected and defeated. Now as the end of a busy school day ends, we find that trouble continues to follow her.**

It was the end of a bitterly long school day that Monday afternoon. As usual, I once again found myself trying my best to survive in this manmade wilderness; ruled by rowdy students and exhausted teachers. I could almost feel the cruel stares casting their vicious gaze upon me. I knew it was always better to simply not make eye contact.

Students whizzed by like flying insects. I tried to find something to fix my gaze on as I held my books tightly to my chest. So far today I seemed to have remained invisible, and that was how I liked it.

Still, that seemed to be the last of things on my troubled mind. The events of the previous evening were still weighing heavy on me. I knew Syrah wouldn't simply "forget" as she said she would. I knew I had left another permanent scar of her psyche. Eternal and indelible. I almost seemed to forget where I was going as my worried mind wandered without aim or direction.

Suddenly I found my attention drawn to Daniel and his friends ambling towards me. "Just don't look at them. Walk by and pretend they're not there" I told myself. I knew even acknowledging their presence would be asking for trouble.

I tried hard to pretend they simply didn't exist as I drew closer. But try as I might, I couldn't stop the inevitable! One of Daniel's friends slammed into my shoulder with deliberate intent. "WATCH IT!" he yelled. I found myself sailing to the ground as if I had been hit by a ton of bricks.. "FUCK!" I mouthed as I watched my books and papers litter the ground before me.

I felt absolutely degraded as Daniel and his friends cackled at me like a bunch of laughing hyenas. I turned my back to face them as they teased me, unaware that yet another of my newfound enemies was about to take advantage of me once more.

I stood up as I watched a tiny hand pick up my horrible book of secrets, the Bible that had made the difficult journey to America along with me. I remained calm and collected as I stood to attention and made eye contact with Brenda. Several of her friends stood silently behind her, watching what was about to unfold.

Her and I were such polar opposites. Brenda and her friends epitomized the true in crowd at the school while poor, little Esther was the lonesome little girl without a friend in the world.

Brenda had an accusing look on her face. She certainly knew how to pounce on such a lonely soul as myself. "Is this a Bible?" she asked. There was a hint of underlying disgust in her voice. I nodded in silence. I felt totally helpless as she waved the book high above her head. The air suddenly seemed electric as I watched Brenda make a joke of me.

"Jesus freak brought a Bible to school today!" she shouted. Her friends and some of the passing students let out a resounding laughter, creating yet another tear in the fabric of my soul. She bit her lower lip as she held the book out to me. For a second I was too stunned to react. Brenda and her friends smiled as if they didn't have a care in the world.

I could see a false sense of sympathy on her face as she held the book towards me. "Oh my God!" a student shouted as I grabbed onto the book with all my might. A tugging match ensued. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. Time suddenly seemed to stop as I watched the pages of the Bible scatter into the air in a whirlwind of paper.

I watched helplessly as they crashed onto the ground. I quickly got to my knees in a furious attempt to reclaim them. "No! NOT NOW! NOT NOW!" I watched without a single recourse as some of the children cruelly kicked the papers out of their way. I scrambled about on my knees like a blind person, desperately trying to collect the pages back into the worn covers of my Bible.

I shuffled them into one big pile, hoping to sort them out later. But now my guard was truly down and like a true opportunist Brenda continued to have her way with me. "Aw! Little doggy, is this your collar little doggy?" I felt her cold hand touch the back of my neck. Now the camel's back was broken. In a blind rage I turned around and shot upwards.

A horrid, ear splitting scream escaped my throat. Brenda and her friends were absolutely stunned as I exploded in anger. They backed away immediately in a wave of fear. The cocky, self-confidant look on Brenda's rosy cheeked face had turn to total disbelief. The whole hallway came to a stop as I suddenly became silent. It was as if everyone's life had been put on hold at the sight of my violent episode.

The children could not believe what they had just witnessed. How shy and sensitive I had seemed to them up to that point. How pathetic and weak. And now this? Brenda's friend Yolanda whispered into her ear. The group of brats turned around without a word and walked away, not quite knowing how to handle themselves.

Muffled whispers circulated among the students as I stood there, body trembling. By this time the students had distanced themselves from me. They were quick witted enough to know to get out of my way.

My face remained contorted in a horrible mask of unbridled, passionate rage. My heart beat with such a furious vigor that I felt it would surely burst forth from my chest.

I bent down angrily as I snatched up the Bible. I heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps coming towards me and then a gentle hand on my shoulder. A counselor named Mrs. Campbell gently turned me around to face her. Lucky for her I didn't snap again.

She was an older woman, in her sixties, with wiry grey hair, slightly portly but with the calm, caring demeanor of a grandmother. I had spoken to her before as I tried to adjust to everything around me in my new environment She spoke not a word to me as she led me into the nearest classroom.

My look of rage was replaced by a bitter grimace. "What else is there to expect?" I thought. I knew I would never be treated with any level of respect or dignity so long as I remained a "student" within these cold, unforgiving walls.

Mrs. Campbell closed the door behind her. Of course by now the classroom was vacant, occupied only by empty desks. "I need for you to have a seat. Please Esther, sit down. "Where?" I asked.

"Just sit in the front row". I appreciated her compassion, I truly did. But again, she was simply one more person who was completely and utterly oblivious as to whom she were truly talking to.

She leaned against the teacher's desk. Her hands supporting her body weight as she stood in front of me. It struck me that she wasn't a very tall woman. Not in fact more than a few inches taller than myself. She spoke gently to me.

"Now Esther. I seen what just happened with my own eyes. You're not in any kind of trouble. You're not in any kind of trouble because this isn't your fault." I was too stunned to really speak. All I could do was nod acceptingly.

"Brenda on the other hand is going to be in a lot of trouble come tomorrow." Both of our heads turned in unison as a gentle knock sounded on the door. "Can it wait a few minutes? Can you come back later?" Mrs. Campbell asked.

"It's…it's just that I need to give some things back to Esther" a little voice chided. "Excuse me". Mrs. Campbell seemed slightly annoyed by the intrusion. As she opened the door I was surprised to see Tiffany with my books in hand.

I had been keeping an eye on her ever since discovering that her and I were sharing the same school, just as we had shared the same dorm room at the orphanage. "These are hers" she said sheepishly. I couldn't be sure whether Tiffany was trying to genuinely be kind or whether she was doing this to spite me.

"Thank you. Thank you very much" Mrs. Campbell said. Tiffany's eyes met mine for the briefest of moments. Her fear of me was still obvious. I could sense it like a shark sensing blood in the ocean. She backed away as Mrs. Campbell closed the door. She gingerly placed my books on the teacher's desk.

"The two of you know each other?" she asked, pointing to the closed door. "Well, let's just say her and I go back a long way" I cracked a smile. What Mrs. Campbell perceived as a smile of happiness was nothing other than that of pure malice.

But my thoughts were quickly drawn away back to Brenda and company. The kindly woman could see the trauma I was in, She leaned in close to put a reassuring hand on me. "Calm down now, Esther. They left for the day."

My face was emotionless. I stared straight ahead. I thought about how I would love to smash Brenda's head into the chalkboard. "I know you didn't start this Esther. Every teacher here knows you are a kind and gentle person. She had no right to tease you like that."

Without a word from me, I jumped to my feet and grabbed my books, taking off out of the classroom. I wanted to be away from the entire world. To retreat into the lone solitude of my wounded soul.

"Esther, WAIT NOW! Where are you going? Esther, PLEASE come back!" the counselor pleaded. "Just get away as fast as you can" I thought instinctively. I felt humiliated enough the way it is. My footsteps sounded further and further away from Mrs. Campbell, her pleas falling on deaf ears.

I slammed through the front door leading outside. There were still a number of students milling around in front of the school. Some waiting impatiently for their parents, others talking amongst themselves. But at that instant almost all stopped to stare at me once more, having been distracted by my loud exit.

"It's that loser again" I heard a harsh voice whisper. Even my explosive episode hadn't seemed to frighten them enough so as to faze their contempt for me. I walked away quickly as I viewed the blue Honda across the street.

Kate must have been busy with Max. This was Syrah's rental. Kate had apparently helped her get the rental as Syrah didn't possess an American driver's license. She was new to the country and pretty much driving illegally. In any case, that wasn't what I was thinking about.

I debated whether or not to share the details of my day with my sister as I approached. I tried to appear cheerful as I got closer. Syrah failed to notice me as she tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, as if she were going along to the beat of whatever music was playing on the radio.

I knocked gently on the glass. I was met by a warm and broad smile as she leaned over to unlock the passenger door. It was as if she took genuine excitement in seeing me after a long day. My ears took delight in her rich Estonian accent. "Good afternoon, honey. Put your things in the back seat." Whatever sense of well-being I tried to convey to Syrah was lost as I angrily tossed my books into the back.

The Bible fell pathetically onto the car's floor. My body made a thud as I settled hard into the seat. My arms crossed as I sunk into a sullen melancholy. Of course, Syrah looked concerned. "Let's go home Syrah. Please, I just want to sulk for the rest of the day." I pleaded. I may have looked like a child but now I must have really been acting like one!

"Well aren't you going to put on your seatbelt." she asked. I simply looked dead ahead without answering. She sighed, "very well". As we began to drive home there was an uncomfortable silence as the song "Everybody Hurts" by REM played softly over the radio. What irony?

I bitterly reached over and turned the radio knob down. Syrah finally spoke up. "Now what in the world is the problem, Leena? Another bad day at school? Something's up, you can share it with me. You know I won't talk to John and Kate about it."

"I'm so sorry, sister. I don't mean to be so moody today. But yeah, you can say I had another one of my days." I sank back further. This seemed to bring a strange relief to her. Perhaps she was worrying that I was angry about the events of last night. The night that she had agreed to "forget" had never happened.

"Still not getting along with anybody?" she asked. I suddenly shot into a tangent. "Brenda, I told you about her, that little bitch. That little BITCH!" Syrah eyeballed me as she tried to keep her attention on the road.

I gestured violently with my hands. "She just tore them out of my hands. Fucking pages flying everywhere. All I tried to do was fetch them back and…"

Syrah put a gentle hand on my shoulder, much like Mrs. Campbell had done. "Slow down, Leena. Slow down and explain what happened. Take a deep breath and start from the beginning. Your moving a mile a minute, sweetheart"

We came to a red light as the car came to a stop. "Walking. That's all I was doing. Walking through the hallway and minding my own damn business. And what happens? WHAT happens?"

Again, a brief silence. "Well, what happened?" Syrah asked in a low voice. Her concern was genuine, I knew it always played on her mind. I figured it would be to my own detriment to hold everything inside. I was always glad that she would lend me her ear.

"Brenda, the girl I told you about, she tried to steal my Bible from me just a little while ago." Syrah nodded. "Go on." I let out a deep exhale. "The Bible slipped and the pages went all over the place. So the little bitch then decides to bend over and try to pull off my neck ribbon."

"Did she?" Syrah asked. "No, but I lost my temper, Syrah. I just exploded on her. My throat still feels soar. I screamed. That was how I reacted." Syrah gulped. "Well you're not in trouble, are you?" she asked. "No, one of the guidance counselors pulled me into a classroom and explained that everything would be okay. That I would be in no kind of trouble.

"Leena, you know what I told you. You have to control yourself. I know you don't want people walking all over you. Neither of us want that. But you can't just explode." she tried reasoning with me.

"Well what was I supposed to do? She should consider herself lucky that I didn't smash her fucking face into the ground. Practically the whole damn school seen it. I'm sorry, Syrah. Like I said, I don't mean to be in a bad mood, I'm not trying to harp in your ear or anything like that."

"No, I understand completely. I'm glad it didn't escalate into something more. I'm not upset with you knowing this wasn't your fault. But we'll just keep this whole thing between the two of us. If we drag John and Kate into this it'll raise a red flag. And we don't need any of those right now." she explained.

"And she just tried to take my Bible just to start shit. I can't get a moments rest! It's becoming everyday with this. And then right before Brenda one of Daniel's friends knocked me to the ground." Syrah suddenly jumped in her seat as I punched the passenger glove compartment. "Calm down!" she warned sternly.

She went on. "And are you telling me the honest truth? That you didn't hurt Brenda? Because if you did you need to tell me now so we can work through it because I'm going to find out sooner or later. And so will John and Kate."

"It's the TRUTH! Honest to God!" I said defensively. "I know it could have been a lot worse."

Now I could sense that Syrah was on edge. She seemed emotionally listless in her worry. I think she knew as well as I did that there was a chance that the school would contact John and Kate about the incident. But what else was I supposed to do in that situation? As my sister had just told me, no person had the right to walk all over me like their personal doormat.

She reached over and held onto my hand. "One day at a time, hon. One day at a time. If I can get you through another day in one piece then I'm doing my job." she said. "I'm a woman, a WOMAN, I feel so degraded, Syrah. I'm embarrassed, angry, hurt, it's…" I trailed off.

"That's why when something like this happens that I want you to speak up about it. I told you before how unhealthy it is to just let it boil inside you." Lying on the floor in front of me was Syrah's purse.

I picked it up and began rummaging through it. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I need a damn cigarette or something." I mumbled. "You know I quit." she reminded me. I put it back down in frustration. "You wouldn't want to smell like tobacco smoke anyways when we get home." she tried to tease.

I held onto her hand again as she steered with the other. "You're a real life line, you know that Syrah Klammer?" She smiled. "Well you know I'm not going to let you sink. Besides, you can cool off for the rest of the day. They want six inches of snow tonight, even though it's so warm today."

"What's the point of that?" I asked. "Well, then hopefully you won't have to go into school tomorrow. You're just too stressed out. Just be responsible in these situations. You're an adult after all." I turned my head to the side and gave her and uncomfortable look, expressing the mild insult that I felt.

She answered my stare quickly. "I only say that because, well, to be honest, sometimes I think you have been pretending to be a child for so long that you sometimes forget who you really are. I don't want you to lose sight of that."

I wanted to ask her if she thought I was acting childish for her to say something like that but I decided it best to hold my tongue. "Don't mean to stress you out, Syrah. I'm not trying to make you fell like crap like I do." She gestured to me. "Like I said, I'm glad your talking to me about these things. I worry, you know that but that doesn't mean I want you to stay silent about anything. And I really mean anything."

Did she REALLY mean ANYTHING? She certainly didn't want to hear anymore about how much I was still hopelessly in love with her, that was a sure fact. Still, I knew her intentions were for my benefit, or for the both of us should I say.

I took charge and suddenly steered the conversation away from all the negativity. Her head turned periodically in my direction.

"Are Kate and Max back home yet? I guess they were running around as usual." Syrah nodded. "The shitty cook is making a shitty supper." she laughed.

Syrah managed to elicit a laugh from me. "In any case, you know Max will want to play with you when we get back. That'll keep your mind off things. So just try and cheer up a bit for the both of us" I tried stretching where I sat. "If I have the energy today. At least I don't have any assignments to do tonight."

"Then just take a nap or something and let's hope for the best." The grip of her hand in mine brought a sense of relief and assurance. Almost as if everything would finally become right within my world.

The rest of the ride home was silent. I knew Syrah was still processing everything I had just told her. I'm sure she was thinking of some way to make me feel better. I shuddered at the thought of what I would do without her.

I took a bit of solace too in the fact the Syrah had certainly seemed to stay true to her word in putting last night's little "discovery" behind her. That was a weight off my shoulders as it had been the only thing on my mind prior to Brenda provoking me. It was just that strange way in which we always seemed to know what was on each other's minds.

As we pulled into the Coleman's driveway, I noticed Kate standing in the doorway. My heart skipped a beat. Syrah whispered to me. "Remember, just hope for the best that the school didn't call. If she knows, try and let me do the talking."

I tried to search Kate's face for that answer. Maybe it was just my eyes that day but I couldn't read her. Usually Max would be waiting for me as well but she was nowhere in sight. "Hope for the best" I repeated under my breath.

Syrah parked the car directly behind the Coleman's SUV. I knew I wouldn't have to deal with Daniel as he usually spent his time after school with his friends. He would be one less lingering problem for me to tear my hair out over. Still, whether Kate was informed of what had just happened was all that weighed on my mind.

Syrah turned to me once more. "Just act like nothing's wrong. That's the best route." I nodded and put on that false smile of ignorant childhood bliss. That fine art in which I had so much time to perfect and master.

"Aren't you going to fetch your books?" Syrah asked. "They're not needed tonight. Just leave them." Despite all of my sister's words I still felt so miserable and rotten inside, although I had to put on a strong front to appear otherwise.

Kate seemed to be hiding something and again I felt she was in the know. Syrah led me inside. I stopped to greet Kate. "Good afternoon, mommy." I said warmly. My emotions were wound taut. She hugged me to her chest. "Welcome home, honey." The side of my face squashed against her like a pillow. The scent of her cheap lavender perfume filled my nostrils.

And then the inevitable question. "And how was your day at school?" she asked. She gave no clues that she had been told anything by anyone. I eyed Syrah, who fidgeted uncomfortably where she stood, knowing I was about to lie.

"Fine. Fine, mommy. No problems or anything." I lied between my teeth. "Are the two of us going to practice piano today?" Kate asked me. "Of course, I guess a little later mommy. I don't have any homework or anything."

I tried to keep my answers as matter of fact as possible. The less I was forced to communicate with her the better. Of course I didn't want to sit down at a piano with that woman but to deny her would make me seem like the "naughty" or child. Perhaps indifferent at best.

Syrah and Kate began engaging in chit chat as I felt a gentle tug on my sleeve. It was none other than Max. Before I could even get a word in she held up a crayon portrait she must have made earlier. My eyes were greeted by the scribbled drawing of her and I holding hands. Two broad smiles in dark black crayon gracing our faces,

"What a wonderful thing to come home to! Thank you Max. I LOVE it!" I signed, my tone expressing the genuine care that I felt towards her. She hopped up and down, her goofy grin making me forget about the day's brutal reality.

"May I keep it?" I asked her. Her head bobbed on her little neck. "I'll treasure it forever" I told her as I folded the paper into a neat square. I placed it gently into the side pocket of the ridiculous pleated dress that I was wearing.

I gave an ominous look over at Kate and Syrah as they spoke. I cautiously pulled Max to the side and squatted down in front of her, keeping an eye on the two women. "Max, I need to know something?" I signed while whispering. The child seemed confused. "What is it?" she mouthed.

"Do you know if mommy got any phone calls? Anything about me today?" I asked. "No, why? What's wrong." I looked over Max's shoulder, continuing to examine Kate over. "Nothing, nothing at all." I spoke plainly, staring blankly forward.

I walked into the kitchen as I needed a drink. I was surprised that John was home so early. He was arguing on the phone will somebody, oblivious to my entry. I stopped for a moment to listen as he complained about being overcharged on the month's cable bill. I shook if off as I poured myself a glass of orange juice.

"Men." I muttered. "He better be more civil if he wants to marry me." I thought, my heart still drawn to the future. "Syrah, will you join me upstairs please?" I called out as I placed my first foot on the step. "In a minute dear." she replied. Of course, Max was quick to follow me wherever I went. She ambled up behind me.

She grabbed onto my hand once more, begging for my attention. "I'm making more drawings" she signed. "Well, you know what? You made my day Max, so now I guess I'll make yours." I led her into my room.

The painting easel which I had been putting to good use sat propped up against the corner. "And I've been making more paintings. Hold on one moment." I signed. She seemed eager to know what I was doing. Stacked neatly on my vanity directly besides the easel were a number of paintings I had been working on.

I fingered through them for a brief moment. "Ah, here we go." I said cheerfully. I smiled at my new daughter. "Now you close your eyes for a moment." I instructed her. "Is it a surprise?" she signed in anticipation. I nodded in affirmation.

I placed the painting of Max I had been making on the easel. It was a replica of her school portrait from earlier that year. I had spent a number of hours working on it. I spoke into her ear. "Now you may open them up." Her eyes lit up at the sight of her own face staring back at you.

She managed to let out a screech of excitement. How charming it was to watch as she put her nose to it in childish giddiness. She turned to run into my arms. "Why yes Max, it's you. But I'm still not quite finished with it." I knew Kate would NEVER do something like this for her own daughter,

She read my lips as I looked down at her. "So I'm taking you like it, don't 'cha?" I was only answered by another firm hug. "You see how mommy cares for you, Max? And mommy will always be here for you" I whispered in Estonian. I now felt that I had truly cemented my relationship to Max.

I placed my hands onto her shoulders. "Wanna help me work on it?" I asked. I could see the sparkle in her eyes. "But I don't know how to paint" she signed. "Well, let your big sister teach you."

I pulled the chair from my vanity and placed it next to the one in front of the easel. Max's portrait stared happily out at the both of us. I pointed to the paint set on the edge of the vanity. "Please pass that to me, Max. Let me show you how to paint."

The kit was housed in a light wooden box, about the size of a shoebox. I carefully opened the top, which opened on a brass hinge. Max's eyes followed the movements of my hands as I selected the paints we would need.

"I'm just really glad you like it Max. You know how happy that makes me feel. I had a rough day after all." She nodded feverishly before suddenly looking at me dumbfounded as I handed her a small paintbrush.

"Take it!" I insisted. Her mouth hung open slightly, exposing her tiny teeth. With a smile I took her hand and placed the paintbrush in it. "But what if I make a mistake? I don't want you to get mad at me." she tried reasoning.

"Not to worry, I'll guide your hand." She placed her trust in me as I opened a small container of yellow paint and another containing black. "Why don't we put something in your hand in this painting, shall we? How about a flower? A yellow flower! Does that sound like fun, Max?"

"Like fun!" she mouthed. Oh, how I wished she were able to speak. "Are you ready then? Here we go!" I gently guided Max's hand and dipped the nimble tip of the paintbrush into the black paint.

"We only need a little bit" I instructed. Carefully, yet seemingly without effort, I guided my daughter's hand to the canvas. "Let's start with the stem, because all flowers have their stems." I moved her hand closer as the tip made contact with the painting itself.

I took her hand and glided it downwards gingerly, starting at her own hand painted in the portrait. A thin, delicate black streak appeared. "That's right Max. Just like that. Now…for the top of the stem.

I moved her hand upwards and on top of the delicate painted fingers and created another black streak moving up about an inch and a half from the hand in the portrait. "There Max, now we have a stem. Very nice."

She was bursting with enthusiasm. The fact that she was being allowed to share in this moment with me. It was a blessing for the both of us. "Now what we want to do next is dip the brush in some paint thinner."

I opened a smile vile of the strong smelling chemical. Max covered her nose as I dipped the brush within and swirled it around a bit. "Now we have to add some pretty little petals, don't we Max?" She nodded joyfully.

The two of us were interrupted by Syrah. "Isn't that sweet of you, Esther. Teaching our new little sister how to paint like that." I immediately turned to face her, having forgotten that I had invited her upstairs.

Max seemed proud at the simple act that she performed. She turned and glued her eyes on to Syrah, ever more infatuated by the new adult in the house. "Well, like I told you, I'm trying to bond with Max a little more day by day." I put a hand around one of her stick thin arms.

Syrah crossed her arms. "I'm glad. But remember not to stay up here too long. Kate, I mean…your mother seems to be itching to teach you some piano this afternoon. I know it's something you already…"

I instinctively knew what she was about to say and gave her a coarse stare. Syrah held her tongue, barely hiding the truth that I was a master at the piano. Max seemed more interested in paying attention to the person than the actual conversation.

"Can't you tell her to wait. I'm just cooling down now." Syrah shrugged. "Just saying." she replied. "Well mommy…", how humiliating it was to use the term. "Well mommy already knows how well of a piano player you are. You've played some Chopin yesterday after dinner."

"Nevertheless, don't make your mother wait on you." With Syrah and I throwing such words around like "mommy" and "mother" in describing Kate, I almost wanted to rip my own tongue out. But the game had to be played irregardless.

I could tell Max was yearning to sign something to Syrah but my older sister was still pretty oblivious to even rudimentary sign language. I suddenly brought the issue to light. "Have you've been reading the Sign Language book like you've promised? Poor Max here, she really tells me how much she wants to talk to you. Like sisters…" I cracked a triumphant smile.

"You have my word, little one. We'll be chatting soon enough." Max clapped her hands, Syrah and I couldn't help laughing at such innocent banter. I really felt so charmed at that moment. How the day had went from being a hell on earth to something more down to earth. Something a little more real and tangible to my heart. Another pleasant memory to lock away forever.

But as it seemed with most things in my life, sweet moments were short lived. Little did I know what Kate knew what I wished she wouldn't and surely enough I would have to deal with it.

**Chapter 40 (Part 2) is a continuation of the same day as Kate finally reveals to Esther that she has knowledge of the incident with Brenda. But much to Leena's surprise, she finds a little secret that will reveal a lot of dirt on Kate. Thanks for reading everybody and for all of the kind comments and messages!**


	40. Of Hurt And Healing  Part 2

**In the last chapter, Brenda made a fool out of Esther after school causing Leena to vent her frustrations with Syrah. Still, she manages to spend time with Max in an attempt to find some level of normalcy after another rough day, which continues on…**

The day began to wind down as I sat awkwardly next to Kate in front of the piano, attempting to follow her instructions. She had been instructing me for the better part of the hour but I couldn't shake the feeling. Maybe it was the thought of my long dead father who taught me piano as a child. Maybe it was still the thought of Brenda lurking somewhere in the back of my mind. Somewhere just out of reach.

Nonetheless, I tried my best to pay attention as my eyes followed Kate's nimble fingers as she struck each cord slowly and deliberately. She did so with such ease and fluency that it was as if she had tutored a thousand students before. Sure enough, I excelled to the level of a virtuoso when it came to playing the piano, yet she was none the wiser, as if that even needs to be said again.

The sudden casting of her eyes into mine filled me with a dreadful contempt. The kind of foul contempt that breads hatred in one's heart. I shuffled uncomfortably where I sat, just inches away from that pathetic excuse for a wife and mother.

She played slowly for me as I pretended to give a rat's ass. After a moment she stopped herself. "Now you try" she said invitingly. My mouth parted slightly as I gazed at her. "Are you sure?" I asked. She nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, don't be afraid of making a mistake. You were doing so well just a few minutes ago. Play for me again, that's how you learn after all" With that said I let out a deep breath from my lungs.

"No shit, Sherlock." I thought. I swear that idiotic people such as Kate are so hard for me to interact with or to understand on any level.

I let my fingers rest gently and gracefully upon the piano keys. "How stupid is she?" I thought to myself. I transfixed my gaze onto my hands as I began to slowly play. "That's it. There you go!" she exclaimed. Her horrid breath taunted my nostrils. "Buy some fucking mouthwash" I thought vehemently.

"A, A, B. B" she instructed as I intentionally made several mistakes. She laughed gently, ever so enamored by how "adorable" or "sweet" this moment must have been making her feel. I on the other hand was not so sharing in the moment. I completed the melody that she had just performed.

"You did really good" she complimented. I took on a gentle tone. "No I didn't, I made like 11 mistakes." Kate tilted her head, being ever so jovial. "I'll do better next time" I promised her in a matter of fact way.

I glanced over my shoulder for a brief second as I noticed Syrah standing near the stairs, sipping tea from a porcelain cup as she eaves dropped on Kate and I. Kate scooted a little closer to me, her face taking on the gentle demeanor of a mother with something important to say.

What she said next nearly floored me. "Your teacher told me what happened today." I might as well have been struck by lightning at that point. Syrah suddenly began to cough uncontrollably. She was just as stunned.

It was now obvious that her advice to "hope for the best" was to no avail. No, not this time around. Kate seemed slightly annoyed by my sister's intrusion. Syrah was quick to excuse herself as she left the room, unsure herself of what the consequences would be for what had happened earlier.

I had to bite the bullet. I didn't know how to answer Kate. "No, not today! Not when I'm just starting to feel a little better." I thought desperately. I was quick to examine Kate for some sort of hint as to what my potential fate would be. Would she tell John? Would I be punished for something that wasn't even MY fault?

"Don't you want to talk about it" she said faintly. "There's nothing to talk about." I explained in a whisper, my Estonian accent resounding in an almost soothing manner. I was becoming more tensed. Surely there was plenty to talk about. I knew she wanted answers. Then again, if something like that happened to Max, I would want answers myself!

Kate remained all the more docile and caring as I took on the persona of a girl who was too shy to talk about her own problems with her adopted mother. "I'm here for you, you know that, right?" she said.

I nodded, almost ashamed, of course it was just another clever act. I finally allowed myself to relax and let go of the fear I was feeling. Kate's eyes met mine for the briefest of moments. "I have something I want to show you."

She leaned over the piano to retrieve something. With the broadest of smiles she materialized a small red book. It was something I had never noticed before but I immediately could tell that it was something that meant a lot to Kate. Something that she held very dear to her heart.

She opened up the clasp that fastened shut the cover of the book. "I had one just like this when I was your age, it was a diary. But I was thinking you and I can use this one for a scrapbook." I listened on in silence.

She turned over to the first page. "John and I on our wedding day." The photo of the lovely couple melted my heart as I mentally replaced the image of Kate with myself. I smiled at the thought. But that smile faded slightly as she turned to the next page.

"Daniel, Christmas morning." she went on. He was wearing a red sweater and the most idiotic buck-toothed smile I had ever seen. She went on and turned to the third page. "And Max", her and I let out a mutual laugh at the sight of John holding his infant daughter.

And sure enough, the fourth page really touched my heart. Staring back at me was myself with Max at my side. "And there's you" she said lowly. My eyes were met by the title, "Esther Joins The Family" in black marker. I knew then that I had truly solidified myself in this household.

Seeing Max brought up something that had been weighing on my mind. "Who's Jessica?" I asked. "Max talks about her." Kate's demeanor suddenly changed to a sense of near shock. There was a lingering sense of profound loss etched into her persona. Her eyes then widened, as if she were surprised that I knew the name.

I heard footsteps behind us. We both turned to see John. "Ah, was there an angel in the house or was Esther just playing beautifully?" he asked with a smile. "Maybe both" Kate laughed. I gave my dream man a warm and inviting smile. Anything I could do to brighten up John's day would brighten up my day as well.

"I was just showing Esther the scrapbook." Kate put a hand around my shoulders, drawing me towards her frame. She turned her head towards me. "After all, there'll be a lot more memories where those came from." she said.

"Such as separating your limbs from your torso and using your intestines as a noose to hang you with." I thought devilishly. "Those would be true Kodak moments!" I covered my mouth and giggled at the thought. "Such a happy little girl" John remarked, obviously oblivious as to why I had laughed. "That's because I'm so happy that mommy is teaching me piano."

I cringed behind the plastic, artificial smile. John turned his head at the sound of Daniel walking by. "Hey, Danny" his father greeted. Without a word the boy gave me a passing glare as he headed for the stairs. A glare of disgust at my very presence. He was growing more and more contemptuous of me with each passing day. His arrival home had put a damper on what was a positive moment.

John and Kate looked at each other. John turned his attention back to me. "Ice cream later on?" he asked. "That would be the best, daddy" I cooed. John was always offering me some sort of treat or gift to lighten my day. I hoped I would soon be able to return the favor!

Kate interrupted. "Esther wants to see, um, well…" she trailed off. "What?" her husband asked. She sighed heavily. "Where, um, Jessica is at." she explained to him uncomfortably. At that time I did not know who Jessica was and for that I was telling Kate the truth. John was left a little speechless for a moment. "If that's the case, I think I'm going to see what Daniel is up to." he said.

I knew this was merely code that Daniel was going to have another good talking to. If he wouldn't listen to Kate then I knew John would surely set him on the straight and narrow. Kate stood up and began to put away the sheet music. My attention was still focused on John as he turned to walk away.

He had taken no more than a few paces before he walked straight into Syrah. "Oh, pardon me" John apologized. "Oh, not a problem" Syrah interjected with her lovely accent. As Kate's attention was diverted to the sheet music, I was taken aback as I watched Syrah give John a seductive smile.

John bit his lower lip as they looked into each other's eyes. He gently put his hand on her wrist and she responded by slowly pressing her body closer to his. They stayed locked onto each other for a brief moment. I immediately caught on to what was happening. "They're FLIRTING with each other!" I concluded in amazement.

As Kate turned around the two of them immediately broke away from one another just in time before John hurried away upstairs. It was almost as if he didn't want to get caught for that little indiscretion.

It wasn't something that upset me as much as it surprised me. Syrah was single after all, but John was not. There was something amiss, I could read it from their body language. My sister approached and took a seat besides me. I wanted to bring it up with her but obviously I couldn't do so in Kate's presence.

"Looks like your lesson went well" my sister said. I nodded without a word. Kate finished up and spoke to me. "Esther, if you want to know who Jessica is, come with me." she said seriously. This was a serious matter, but WHY?

"Jessica?" Syrah asked. Kate looked down at the floor. "You don't know either? Well, then the both of you come with me and I'll explain." Kate put a balled fist under her chin. "I should have brought this up earlier" she said to herself.

Syrah and I looked at each other, equally confused. Max had only ever referred to Jessica as "someone special". At first I figured she was an imaginary friend. Nevertheless, Syrah and I followed behind Kate, who kept a slow and deliberate pace.

She quietly led us into the greenhouse that was attached to the home. Close to the entrance, she stopped in front of a large display of beautiful white flowers. I had passed them before but had never taken notice to the silver plaque that hung below them.

"What is this all about exactly?" Syrah asked. Kate cupped her hands over her mouth. I knew she was getting emotional. She then placed a hand over her chest. Her voice strained a little. "I'm sorry."

Syrah clasped her hands in front of her, trying to make sense of Kate's sudden change of character. Syrah and I were both drawn to the silver plaque. "A couple of years ago, back in 2006 in fact, I became pregnant for the very first time." She smiled as she began to think of the happy occasion.

"John and I, we didn't even plan it. It was one of those things that just happened and we were…we were so delighted. We were so excited. I mean, neither of us had ever been parents before." Kate wiped a stray tear from her eye.

"We went ahead and bought the furniture for the baby. We decked out a whole room for her. When we found out the baby was a girl…" Kate had to stop herself for a moment in order to regain her composure.

She shrugged before going on. "When we found out the baby was a girl…we wanted to name her Jessica, after my mother who died just a few months before that." My attention was still drawn to the plaque but I couldn't quite make out what was etched into it.

"What does this say?" I asked. Kate sniffled and even Syrah was caught up with emotion. It was clear that Syrah had already put two and two together as to what had happened to little Jessica. The three of us were engulfed in the solitude of the moment. Ever so gently and with a reserved sense of compassion, Kate began to read the etching.

"I never held you, but I feel you. You never spoke, but I hear you. I never knew you, but I love you."

It was so simple yet to Kate it was something so powerful. Syrah was now moved to tears as Kate put her hand on one of the delicate stems of the flowers. Flowers not to different from the one's Max and I had created such a short while earlier.

"What happened to her?" I asked sadly. Kate remained collected. "She died while she was still in my tummy." I looked up at her mournfully before turning my head slowly to the large display. "HA! The baby probably killed itself in the womb rather than be born to this whore!" I thought.

"When she was born she only weighted one pound, six ounces. We couldn't stand the thought of having to bury her so we scattered her ashes here…and as long as this plant grows…part of her will be alive inside it." I pretended as if I were about to cry myself and as usual Kate fell for the rouse. I looked tenderly into her eyes and decided it was time to tug at her heart strings.

"She would have been lucky, you're a great mommy!" She nearly broke down on the spot. She got down on her knees and kissed my forehead. "Thank you! Thank you sweetheart, that means a lot!" Her hands caressed my hair as she embraced me. How I loathed having to embrace her back!

Syrah's reaction was so sorrowful. "Mrs. Coleman…Kate…I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine." Syrah closed her eyes and tried to hold back her own tears. She was a sensitive soul after all, her emotions easily swayed. "I mean, how, how do you even go on after something like that?"

Kate released me and stood back up. "With the help of a loving family, that's how. That's the only way how." Syrah nodded as she cracked a small smile. "Do you hear that Esther? That's what really matters in life. Family." Syrah remarked.

"I'm sorry to have asked, mommy. I didn't mean to make you sad like that." Kate slowly returned to normal. "No, no, I should have told you earlier. It's, it's just something that's really hard for me to talk about sometimes. It seems…it all seems like it happened just yesterday"

"Does Jessica ever come to you in your dreams?" Syrah's eyes grew almost as wide as saucers at such a personal question. I was caught off guard as to why I had blurted out such a question myself!

Kate turned back to face me but was not in the least bit offended. Syrah gently grabbed Kate's arm. "Kate, I'm so sorry for Esther being rude like that…" Kate cut her off. "No, it's okay. Really, it's okay. To be honest honey, yes, she does come to me in my dreams. Every night in fact. But I know one day I'll see her again. That's what makes me strong."

I still didn't feel the least bit of pity for this woman. She had the ability to conceive a child which was something I would NEVER have the opportunity to experience myself. She cranked out two others after all. I should be the one to feel sorry for and to feel pity for. My womb was barren and I had no husband to call my own. Could Kate say the same for herself? I think not!

The three of us fell silent as we all tried to absorb the loss of baby Jessica. Kate was lost in her own mind for a moment before she finally excused herself, leaving Syrah and I alone in the greenhouse. This had no doubt opened up some old wounds. Wounds I knew would never heal for her, at least not in this lifetime.

Syrah waited until she was out of earshot. "Now why did you go and ask her such a question? Does Jessica come to her in her dreams?" she muttered. "I don't know. I didn't even think of it."

Syrah was sullen. "I just can't believe Kate went through what she did. No wonder she wants to grow close to you."

I spoke in Estonian. "Well that's not going to happen. You and I are smart enough to know that. I'm not here to grow close to that old maid. At least she has the ability to carry a baby in her womb." My voice suddenly became filled with a quiet desperation as I played with the delicate flower petals.

"And that's something I really envy her for, as much as I despise the woman. Something that I'll never have. And even at nearly 40 years old you can still have a baby, Syrah. There'll never be a window of opportunity for me. That's why I look at Max and see the child I'll never get the chance to have."

Syrah put an understanding hand on my shoulder as I continued talking. "You know, this might sound stupid, but when I was a prostitute back home in Estonia…sometimes I wished one of those men would get me pregnant. I prayed for it constantly. I know I have love to give. I know I do." A lone tear creased it's way down my cheek. Syrah wiped it away with the sleeve of her blouse.

"I know you do too, honey. The love is there but don't put it in the wrong places. Okay, I mean I understand how much you look at Max and see the daughter you never had but you still can't replace Kate for who she is. She is Max's mother and I want you to accept that already. You can never be a substitute for her true mommy." she tried convincing me.

"I guess Kate and I both know what it's like to lose somebody we loved. I've lost so many people that I've lost count. I guess you have as well. I'll find a way or die trying." Syrah ran her fingers through my crow black hair. "Just settle in for the rest of the day. I'll be in the living room if you want to come in with me. And by the way, just count yourself lucky that Kate didn't flip over what happened between you and Brenda."

She leaned over to give me a kiss. I almost wanted to bring up the matter of what the deal was with what I had witnessed between her and John. I immediately knew that would be against better reason.

"It was just a passing thing." I tried convincing myself. "It was an innocent flirtation. An isolated incident. Syrah would never steal John away from me. No, of course she wouldn't." Or was I just trying to give myself a false sense of security? I hoped that wasn't the case.

Now alone, I looked to my left and then to my right. The coast was clear. With an impish little grin on my pale face I leaned over and spat into the flowers. "That's what I think of you, baby Jessica, and I'm going to spit on your mother's grave as well! Maybe there'll be space enough in this greenhouse for the both of you, mother and daughter side by side!" I hissed in triumph. Ah, what a cruel gesture to a dead child but wasn't that the point?

Feeling somewhat free spirited, I began to take a leisurely walk through the small greenhouse. Roses, violets and tulips filled the air with the most wonderful aroma. A cornucopia of color livened up the entire environment. I was always a nature person and took the time to enjoy this almost surreal beauty that was growing in the dead of winter.

I looked up through the glass roof and wandered slowly as I watched crows and ravens making their perch on the glass panels. They came and went as they pleased. I chuckled a bit as they reminded me of what I had done to that poor bird to scare Daniel shitless.

My eyes were drawn back to ground level and I soon came to a corner in which were an array of various gardening implements. Out of curiosity I began poking around the little cranny. I gently pushed a spade out of the way and as I did my attention was drawn to a little black leather bound book secreted away behind a large flower pot.

I wondered what it was doing in such a place. It took me a little effort to free the book from behind the flower pot as I bent over to retrieve it. I made sure nobody was around before I began to examine exactly what it was.

Was this simply another scrapbook that had been carelessly misplaced? I ran my hands over the leather cover. Gingerly, I opened the book. The pages were slightly yellowed as if it had been in use for some time. The first page was blank but as I turned to the second page I was able to see what it truly was. In ink was handwritten as the top ledger -

"Private Journal - By and for Kate Coleman ONLY". My heart must have skipped a beat for sure! "Are you serious?" I said aloud. I knew I had just stumbled across something that I knew I shouldn't have. Something VERY private and personal. The first journal entry was dated October the 12th, 2006.

I remember reading that first entry and relishing in it. "Today I wish I would die. My world, my universe has collapsed around me. What point is there in continuing any further? Jessica is stillborn. one pound, six ounces. She never had a chance. Why, God, have you brought this on me? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this?"

I thought about how ironic it was that Kate had just been explaining the story of Jessica and here were her most intimate thoughts about her dead daughter immortalized with pen and paper. I closed the book and secreted it back into it's hiding place. I knew there would be plenty of opportunity where I would have the chance of read more of it.

After all, I wanted to know my enemy's mind inside and out and this presented a golden opportunity to do so. "Kate may very well be contributing to her own downfall" I thought to myself. I knew the journal would be a reflection of her strengths and weaknesses. If even her husband was barred from reading this journal than I knew those pages would be the sole repository in which for her to spill her heart out.

"Maybe later on tonight." I told myself. Then I could spirit the book away, it would surely make excellent bedtime reading! I could only wonder at that point what juicy little tidbits I would discover within those aged pages. What kind of dirty little secrets that I could use to my advantage? Would I discover that her heart can be as dark as mine?

The picture that was unfolding seemed to indicate that Kate had a very troubled past. Perhaps in some ways not so different from some of the troubles in my own past. But for now I had to lay the matter to rest. As I entered the living room my ears were greeted by shouting coming from the upstairs.

John's voice was booming! He obviously was tearing into his son. Even worse so than Kate had done. I couldn't spot Kate or Max, only Syrah with a worried expression on her face. "Looks likes John is getting the better of him" I said with a grin. "I hope they don't fight like this all the time" Syrah said. "Daniel deserves it! You see how he treats me. I told you about how he and his friends knocked me to the ground today."

"No, wait! Don't go upstairs!" Syrah pleaded. I ignored her and hustled up the steps. I wanted to hear the action for myself. Daniel's room was close enough to my own that I was able to stand in my doorway and listen to John's "pep talk" so to speak.

Daniel was whining like a little adolescent brat. "She's a weirdo and I don't like her staying with us. Why don't her and Syrah just leave?" Like a little bitch, Daniel let out a shrill shout as the sound of John's hand cracking him in the skull sounded down the hallway. "Music to my ears, even better than Chopin on the piano!" I said wickedly.

"Do you pay the bills Daniel? Huh? Do YOU pay the mortgage? NO! I DO! So you better start treating Esther and her sister with RESPECT!" I reeled in delight as the sound of another sharp strike against Daniel's skull brought joy to my heart. "Payback's a bitch!" I exclaimed.

If John couldn't get through to him then Daniel sure as hell better hoped I wouldn't get to him first! John went on. "You have no idea what that nine year old has been through in her short life. Do you? You want to treat her the way you are just because she's different?" Daniel remained silent. I knew he was far too terrified and intimidated to speak up for himself.

"You stay in your room and do your homework and don't come out until I tell you!" John warned. As the door opened I ducked quickly into my own bedroom. I didn't feel like taking any flack for eavesdropping.

John stopped in the open doorway to my room. He looked almost exhausted. "I'm sorry about that, Esther. I really am. But I promise Daniel is going to be treating you with respect from now on." I thanked him softly. "I don't know why he has to be so difficult with you."

"He's just adjusting" I said. "He has no excuse. You know you're welcome in this house. That's why you're here with mommy and I." I gave a him smile of genuine gratitude. "I'm not going to let anything bother me. A lot of people have been mean to me." I explained. John put his hand on the door frame and shook his head. "Well that doesn't mean it has to keep on happening. Especially in this house."

"I understand" I replied calmly. John cheered up a bit. "Are you still up for ice cream after dinner?" I smiled and nodded. "Good then. I'll be downstairs." I was left alone again but my conscious was telling me to follow John. Something was telling me to keep a keen eye on him. I almost didn't want to leave him alone in the company of my sister.

I followed behind nonchalantly and joined my sister on the oversized couch. She looked in John's direction and then towards me. "My God, I could hear every word from right here." she whispered in Estonian. "John said he's more or less straightened out that little piece of shit. I feel horrible for putting that kind of stress on John. I really do." I sulked.

"Well John has that right as a father. Believe me, it's aggravating to see how disrespectful that boy is to you. I worry he'll piss you off or drive you over the edge. I mean, I mean, he seen what you did to that bird."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, don't bring that up again. It was injured and I put it out of it's misery. Daniel can look at that incident any way he wants to. I don't give two fucks, I really don't. He just better stay the hell out of my way, OUR way. I'm not going to tolerate him disrespecting either one of us" I said ominously.

John interrupted our conversation. "Syrah, I'm going to go get some ice cream for Esther. Would you like anything?" I looked for any hint or sign of attraction he may have for her but I could find none. "No thanks. I'm fine." I could tell she was a little giddy for him. There was something about it in her voice. It was like she was a teenager again with some sort of hopeless crush on her heart.

"Esther? What would you like?" he asked. "I thought you were going to wait until after dinner?" I said. "Mommy's not around so…" he reasoned. "Chocolate ice cream. Plain chocolate ice cream." This must have been another one of his "father, daughter" moments.

"Anything for my little angel." I almost blushed at the compliment. If Syrah had any feelings for him I knew mine were ten times as intense. He grabbed his car keys as he slid a black leather jacket over his lean frame. "I won't be long" were his words as he left Syrah and I to have the house to ourselves, with the exception of Daniel cloistered in his room.

"Did Max and Kate go outside?" I asked her. She nodded in acknowledgment of the fact. "I think they went for a walk down by the pond. I guess they wanted to get away from what went on between John and Daniel."

Daniel must have realized his father had left as I suddenly heard footsteps slowly making their way down the stairs. It was as if it were an intruder stalking their way through the house. "Speak of the devil" I muttered. Sure enough the little dip shit cautiously made his way down the stairs. I gave him the evil eye. I intentionally stared at him. I wasn't going to pretend he wasn't there.

"Don't say anything to him" Syrah warned. "You better get the FUCK upstairs and back to your room before I tell DADDY!" I shouted. Syrah grabbed my wrist as she gritted her teeth. I burst out laughing as he took off up the stairs like a speeding bullet.

I laughed hysterically as I slapped my hand against my knee and let myself fall into Syrah's lap. "You see, sweet sister. You see how frightened he is of me?" Syrah suddenly chastised me. "That was not funny"

"Oh, lighten up" I replied. I suddenly heard his bedroom door slam. "THAT'S RIGHT! YOU KNOW WHERE YOU BELONG!" I shouted from Syrah's lap. "That's ENOUGH!" Syrah warned me. "Don't be a buzz kill. He's getting the punishment he asked for." I shot back. I settled down as my head continued to rest on my sister's lap.

"I think we should have given him a roll of toilet paper first. I'm pretty sure he must have shit himself." I giggled. Syrah rolled her eyes in dismay. "I'm sorry, Leena. I'm just still thinking about everything that Kate told us. I never expected that something so terrible happened to her. That poor little baby." my sister lamented.

"Well let's just say I have a way of finding out a lot more about Kate" I said whole heartedly. "What do you mean by that?" Syrah asked. "Maybe I'll tell you in due time. Let's just say I made a little discovery in the greenhouse."

"What are you talking about? What could be in the greenhouse that you would say something like that?" My sister was clearly confused and taken somewhat off kilter by my words. She ran her fingers over my scalp as I spoke.

"Maybe I'll tell you a little later on. Maybe even show it to you." Syrah was a little anxious now. "Just tell me. Or are you just joking?" I shook my head. "Not at all, do you want to know what I found?" Syrah nodded vigorously with more than a hint of excitement in her voice. "Yes, already!" she insisted.

I decided to tell her just for the hell of it. "In the greenhouse, in the corner by the red roses you will see a big terra cotta flower pot with some garden instruments in it." Syrah was intrigued. "I was looking around out of curiosity after you and Kate left me in the greenhouse."

"Go on" Syrah pushed. "I'll cut right to the chase. I found a little black leather bound book. I picked it up because I didn't know what it was or what it was about. It turns out…" I suddenly began to whisper. "It turns out it is none other than Kate's private diary. Her private journal going back to the death of Jessica."

"Oh, your full of it! I'll believe it when I see it" she said jokingly. I suddenly got to my feet and beckoned her with my finger to follow me. "Don't believe me? I'll show you but let's hurry up before anyone comes in the house."

"This I've got to see" Syrah said as she followed me back to the greenhouse. I grabbed her hand and quickly escorted her to the same corner where I made the discovery. She looked on as I bent over to retrieve the small book.

"Now you'll believe me." I said softly as I handed it to her with both hands. For a second she didn't react. I pushed it towards her. "Take it" I offered. Syrah gently took the book from my hands. "I know it's wrong for me to open this but", she let out an exasperated laugh. "But I want to see this for myself."

"Then open it." She glanced at me then to the cover of the book. She looked behind her shoulder before opening to the first page. "There's nothing in here" she said. "Second page, go ahead and see" I replied.

Slowly yet aloud she read the top ledger, "Private Journal - By and for Kate Coleman ONLY". She covered her mouth in surprise and suddenly closed the book. It was almost as if she were startled by it's existence. "No, I'm not reading this after hearing what Kate went through with Jessica. You put this back where you found it. If Kate caught you reading that then God help you."

"I just figured it would make some good bedtime reading for the two of us. Or maybe something we can read together over a campfire outside when the weather gets warmer" I teased.

Suddenly we heard Kate calling out for us. "Esther? Syrah? Where are you?". I quickly returned the book to it's proper place. "Hurry up! Hurry up and let's get out of here!" Syrah whispered in a panic. It almost felt like a childhood game of hide and seek. We walked away from the corner towards the middle of the greenhouse where Kate would expect nothing amiss.

"In here mommy." I called out. Her head poked through the doorway. "Where did daddy go?" she asked. "You should have waited, mommy. Daddy went for ice cream." I explained. Max suddenly poked her head out from behind her mother. "It's such a nice day outside. The two of you should have joined us." said Kate.

"Oh, we found something more interesting to occupy our time" I remarked. "Too bad she can't READ between the lines" I thought. "And Daniel?" she asked. I politely folded my hands behind my back. "In his room. Daddy gave him quite the talking to and he's not allowed to come out until daddy tells him so. That's why Syrah and I stayed downstairs."

"That boy is going to be the death of me" Kate mumbled. "Hopefully I'll be first" I whispered in Estonian. "What?" asked Kate unattentively. "Nothing, mommy. Just nothing."

Max seemed hyperactive and besides herself, signing feverishly to her mother. "Calm down Max. Calm down, you're all wound up" her mother said. Syrah leaned over and spoke into my ear. "You really know how to keep a straight face, don't you?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I'll have to if I'm going to survive another crappy dinner" I taunted. I was finally able to get my sister to laugh. Kate's cooking was a running joke between her and I. I suddenly became more serious.

"It's an art Syrah. Just like how I paint pretty pictures is an art. So is keeping a straight face and being able to lie between your teeth. And we'll see where that leads me sooner or later. It'll all fall into place…you'll see!"

**40 Chapters! I'm besides myself! Thank you for everybody's continual support in my efforts. Please read, write and review. Forgive me for the lack of writing lately as there are a lot of things that have been keeping me on my toes. Thank you for reading!**

**In Chapter 41, Syrah is offered a proposition by John and Kate that lifts Leena's spirits. But later on, Leena witnesses something she shouldn't but nonetheless tries her best to dig up more dirt on Kate's background.**


	41. Until My Heart Bursts

**In the last chapter, Syrah and Esther learned about Jessica; Kate's stillborn daughter. But Esther was soon to learn much more about Kate when she stumbles upon Kate's private journal. Esther thinks her mind is playing tricks on her as well when she perceives Syrah and John to be flirting. We continue with the same day as it comes to an end…**

Another day was done. The Sun had long since disappeared over the dull, grey horizon, finally marking the end of yet another bleak Winter's day. The turbulence of the day was now behind me but I always knew there would be more in store for me. At another time and in another place. But for now I felt comfortable.

Syrah and I prepared for bed in the guestroom where she was staying. She sat at her vanity as I stood behind her in my nightgown while I gently brushed her long, black hair. She herself was dressed in a nightgown, her body emanating the exhaustion she felt from another trying day. But for now we had our alone time together. Something as simple as brushing each other's hair was a nightly ritual that I was able to take some level of solace in.

The incident with Brenda, baby Jessica, it all didn't matter too much right now. How would I sleep if I pondered about these things? I knew I would only find restlessness. After all, I never slept well to begin with. Every time my head hit the pillow and I curled up in bed the racing thoughts would begin. But now was another little moment of peace in my day.

My sister hissed in pain. I apologized as I reached a snag in my sister's hair. I couldn't help but voicing my tranquil feelings aloud to her. "Little things like this. Letting me brush your hair. It helps me sleep at night. I don't know why. Maybe it just takes my mind off of things, you know?"

I went on. "Or playing with Max. Or spending time with John. You know what I'm talking about. Things that seem so simple to everybody else. When you spend six years in a mental hospital and enter the free world again…I just can't take even simple things for granted."

I watched Syrah's reflection smile back at me through the vanity mirror as I continued brushing. She tapped her fingers on the wood. "I know how to top all of those things. Why don't we get you a voodoo doll of Kate?" she said. Her and I chuckled at the macabre joke.

"I'd jab a pin right through her fucking eye!" I declared loudly in Estonian. Syrah almost blushed at the statement. Her conservative nature was always easy to rattle. Suddenly, our attention was quickly diverted from our moment by a little knock on the bedroom door, which was slightly ajar.

"I'm guessing it's just Max", Syrah said. The door opened but it was John and Kate instead. I assumed they had only come to make sure I went to bed. "Give me a few more minutes to finish brushing her hair. I'll go to bed then" I promised. John and Kate were taken a little aback as they faced one another.

"No, actually not why we're here" John said gently so as not to wake Max who was surely asleep by now. "We didn't tell Daniel yet what we're about to tell you two but we already told Max." he continued. He smiled warmly at me. There was something wonderful I could read in his eyes but I couldn't seem to figure out what. It's strange to say but something told me that look in his eyes wasn't meant for me.

Kate took over the conversation. "We were going to tell you two at dinner but we knew Daniel would be upset so we figured we'd wait until later on. Nonetheless, it's too important to let wait for much longer." My sister and I were all the more confused. "After all, Syrah, we know Daniel isn't fond of either you or Esther." Kate lamented.

"Yes, it's unfortunate but it isn't getting to me in anyway. I've been through worse, believe me. But what is it that's so important?" Syrah asked inquisitively. I interjected. "Is this another surprise?" I grabbed onto my sister's arm and placed my head on her shoulder in a half hearted attempt to be "cute". "It can't be bigger than when you brought Syrah here." John and Kate were charmed by my little display.

"Well, actually, it is about you Syrah." Kate began to explain. My sister was clearly perplexed. Kate directed the conversation to my sister. "Syrah, Esther has been so much happier since you came here. It touches me so much that you gave up everything to be a part of her life again. That speaks a lot about who you really are."

"And after all she's been through I don't need to tell you how much of a benefit that is to all of us including John and I." Syrah nodded, still in a state of confusion. She realized she was suddenly the center of attention. Syrah was not a shy woman yet she never liked to be put on the spot for anything, even if it were something positive. She was too reserved for her own good sometimes.

Kate glanced back at her husband as he spoke up. "Kate and I were talking about this over the last couple of days and I know you haven't been in America for too long, Syrah." The two of them smiled as John revealed the reason for interrupting us. "We just wanted to let you know that you can live here with Esther if you like. Don't worry about rent or anything. We don't want you staying in a motel."

I was speechless. I had been under the impression that Syrah would stay in America but with her own place and that her stay here in the Coleman household would be strictly temporary. After all, she was a wealthy woman who was more than capable of maintaining her own residence.

Once again, Syrah's sensibilities got the better of her as she blushed slightly. "That's…that's…I mean I feel so humbled by your offer. I'm not really sure how to respond to this." She shuffled in her seat as she absorbed the information.

"We're serious and there's a reason why we want this. Esther needs somebody she's already comfortable with to help her with things. We can't deprive her of that. We didn't invite you into our home for no small reason" Kate said tenderly. I remained clutched onto my sister's arm. John looked into my eyes. "If that's alright with our little Esther of course."

"Daddy, I…I would want nothing more. Nothing better." He walked over to me and gave me a hug. As I returned the favor I couldn't help but to give Kate a mischievous smile that was not too much different then the one I had given Daniel when I was presented with my gifts.

I wanted her to be jealous even though I knew she had no reason to be. "One day Kate, John and I will be hugging each other at the altar as husband and wife. Thanks for the offer bitch!" I thought menacingly.

Kate mistook the smile as nothing more than the gratitude of her adopted daughter. "Kate, I mean, are you sure it's all okay?" Syrah asked. John interrupted before she could have a chance to answer. "If it wasn't okay why would we say otherwise?"

Syrah's mouth opened but no words followed. There was something about her smile that followed. I suddenly came to the startling realization. No words had to be spoken, no body language had to be interpreted for the realization to sink in. I could tell Syrah knew the same.

My heart skipped a beat. This was John's idea for Syrah to stay in the household. And why? It was all too simple to understand. All too simple to conclude. The way Syrah looked at John spoke volumes even if a dumbass like Kate remained oblivious.

Call it a woman's instinct but I knew my intuition wasn't failing me. John lusted for my sister and it was as simple as that. That twinkle I seen in his eye just moments beofre. I was no idiot! He truly had ulterior motives for wanting Syrah to remain under the same roof. I was to smart for John to fool. I knew Syrah was an innocent pawn and that John was more craftier than I thought.

"No! No! I will NOT view Syrah as competition. She is my sister!" I thought to myself. The smile had melted away from my face like a wax candle. I knew John had talked Kate into allowing this and that Kate was as stupid as a rock for not seeing the truth for what it was. Syrah finally spoke up again.

"No, really, I mean I can help the two of you out with the children, with babysitting. With whatever the two of you need. I mean…" Syrah trailed off. I assumed it was because she had reached the same startling conclusion that I had.

She looked almost dumbfounded. And I knew in my heart of hearts that it wasn't because she was surprised at the offer to stay here with me. I guess her and I both knew this offer was going to come sooner or later, though we hadn't discussed it.

"But what about Daniel?" I spoke up. John and Kate became more sullen. "He's going to live with it, like it or not. Syrah, you can think it over with Esther if you like. If you want your own place that is fine with Kate and I. But the door is always open for you, just as it is for Esther." John explained further.

Syrah turned her head, staring into my eyes as I held onto her hand. "I came to America to be with Esther. John and Kate, I would like nothing more than to accept your offer. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity. I really do mean that. Esther is my world to me, she is everything!" My sister was almost emotional. Again, it was a testament to how gentle of a soul she really is.

Despite what I was feeling in my heart about any budding relationship between Syrah and John, I couldn't stand being apart from my sister yet again. I spoke up in the presence of "mommy and daddy".

"Syrah, there's no reason for you to leave. Just stay here with us." I pleaded. Half of what I had just said seemed to be just a show for John and Kate while the other half was a legitimate plea for my sister to stay by my side.

My sister nodded understandably. She knew the potential consequences if she were to leave me to my own devices. The horror that could be unleashed if she wasn't "watching" over me. The burden of responsibility that she felt for all of my actions. But I knew now that she had another reason to stay here besides just me even if she wasn't aware of that reason herself. I began to feel a little torn but I knew I would shrivel up without her.

I could see Syrah was a little teary eyed. She collected herself before speaking to me. "I might as well stay here with Esther. I mean, I'm already settling in nicely. I just need to get my Green Card so I can become a permanent resident of America. I'm willing to settle down here. Esther has waited too long to have me here. We've both waited too long."

Kate and John seemed more than satisfied by her ready acceptance. "Max must be so happy" I said. "Believe me, it's going to be ten times harder to get her to sleep tonight." Kate laughed. "Esther deserves to stay here in our home and so do you Syrah." My sister wiped a stray tear from her eye. "Thanks .Thank you!" she whispered.

Kate nodded. "No, thank you. Thank you for helping us care for Esther." Syrah nodded. "Mommy and I will leave you and Syrah alone for the night. Good night." Before John could close the door I was surprised as Kate gave Syrah an enthusiastic hug. "You're a great woman!" Kate exclaimed.

John seemed a little flabbergasted by his wife's sudden outburst. "How is it that Kate isn't suspicious of her?" I thought. "Is she that trusting of Syrah? Is she that trusting of John?" I didn't think this way because I had some sort of distrust for my sweet sister, I trusted Syrah to the fullest. I only went but my gut instinct. The instinct that was screaming at me that John was falling for Syrah.

After all, Syrah was a hundred times more attractive than that dog Kate could ever hope to be. Could I blame him for wanting a 38 year old woman who looked no older than 23 or 24? Whom he BELIEVED was 23 or 24? No, I couldn't hold that against him. He was a man who had needs after all.

Kate released her hug and wished the two of us goodnight. John shook his head in apparent disbelief as he closed the bedroom door behind him. I strained to make out their words as they walked away. "I'm glad" I said softly. I cocked my head to the side. "Why are you so embarrassed?" A sly smile appeared on my face. Something inside me wanted to ask her. I HAD to ask her. It was gnawing away at me.

"So, what do you think of John exactly? I couldn't help but notice how you acted around him." I couldn't believe that I actually just said that! I waited nervously for an answer. Did she catch my drift? "What do you mean by how I acted around him?" she asked. I wasn't trying to start an argument with Syrah, I was merely curious as to her intentions.

"Come on, Syrah. You were blushing like a schoolgirl with a crush." I laughed in amusement. I picked up the hairbrush and resumed brushing her hair. "Stay still" I instructed her. "Well, I mean, I'm not going to lie to you Leena. I find him attractive. I can't help it. You know how long it's been since I've been in a relationship."

My eyes grew wide. "Ohhhhh, is that what you're after?" I teased. "Leena, please! You know what I mean now. I don't have feelings for him. I'm not harming anybody just by finding him attractive now am I?" I shook my head. "No, not at all." I leaned over to whisper in her ear.

"I love you to death but keep in mind big sister, I'm not planning on sharing him with anybody." Syrah was stunned by my apparent accusation. She quickly swung around in her chair, her eyes wild with shock. "What are you trying to say exactly?" I remained calm in contrast to her sudden backlash.

"John and Max are the only reasons I am living under this roof with that damn wife of his and that pathetic excuse for a son." I said. "Just…" I trailed off for a few seconds before continuing. "Just remember that. Please don't take my dreams away from me." I said barely above a sweet whisper.

"Leena, I know what you're trying to say but don't think for a second I'm trying to take anything away from you." I suddenly broke the ice a little further. "Then why were you flirting with him earlier today?" My eyes suddenly became two dark slits desperately searching for an answer. I felt a cold chill run up my spine. I knew it was anger trying to take over my mind, body and spirit but I remained firmly in control.

Syrah didn't try to deny the incident with John for a second. "You…you saw that?" she said in disbelief, her mouth hanging slightly open. "Syrah, I'm not angry but I don't want to have to compete with you for anything." Syrah's eyes were like saucers. Did she ever suspect I would notice what was apparently an innocent flirtation?

"My dear, how can you even accuse me of trying to hurt you? Of trying to take something away from your life?" I put a finger to her lips. "I'm NOT accusing you of doing any of that. I'm not pissed off at you and I don't want to fight but I just want to know why it happened, that's all. Now turn back around so I can finish your hair."

"It was just something that happened spur of the moment and nothing more. Nothing else happened between the two of us." There was grave concern in her voice as she tried explaining herself and I honestly didn't doubt her words. "Like I said I was just curious about what I seen. It's nothing for us to get upset about." I fluffed her long hair through my fingers as I checked it for any tangles.

I kept my voice low and gentle. "You know Syrah, I WILL marry John one day. Either that or I'll die trying. I want you to be part of everything but please realize and respect my intentions." I said politely. I could tell Syrah wanted to tell me for the millionth time what a long shot it was for this dream to ever come true. "Don't tear my heart out, Syrah."

"LEENA!" she exclaimed. I hushed her. "I know I've broken your own heart more times than we care to count. But please let me have a chance at happiness and when I'm happy that means we can both be happy" I said.

"Again sweetheart, I didn't mean for it to be anything. It was just an innocent flirtation, damn it! You're acting like I planned this all out or something." I put a reassuring hand to her shoulder. "And again, I don't doubt that it was anything more than that." I kissed the top of her head and placed my hands on her shoulders.

"Leena, I didn't come to America to take anything from you. I came here to be with you and to make sure that you stay on the right track in life. Damn it, you KNOW why I came here! You know as well as I do. I take your feelings into consideration all the time. I'm not here to hurt you and I don't want you to hurt me again, either. All I want is happiness and harmony between us. Don't let something so stupid ruin everything!"

I smiled at her. "Happiness and harmony? Then let's stay that way forever. I'm not making a single accusation against you. But you're such a beautiful woman, Syrah. Even if you don't have feelings for John he may have them for you."

My sister was perplexed. "How do you know that?" she asked. "It's of no distrust of you but I have something that might prove my point. Just wait here!" I hurried off to my room and got on my knees. I put my hand underneath the bed and felt around in the darkness. My hand's could feel it. It was unmistakable. Yes!

I pulled out Kate's diary which I had sequestered away for my own private enjoyment. I would keep it only for tonight before returning it to it's hiding place. I knew this was a little risky with the possibility of Kate looking for it only to find it missing. I had retrieved it from the greenhouse after dinner and had hidden it where I knew Kate would never suspect. Now I could truly get a chance to dig up some more dirt on both John and Kate.

I needed to know more! I HAD to know MORE! I made sure that no prying eyes were around before sprinting back to Syrah's room. I closed the door shut and leaned up against it as I held out the diary almost proudly for my sister to see. "Oh, not that again!" she exclaimed. "What did I tell you about keeping that thing in the greenhouse where you found it? Where it belongs?"

"Because I need to know what dwells in Kate's heart. I need to know everything she knows. I can't rest until I do. She has to be writing about John in here somewhere" My sister stared at the door. "But what if Kate comes in? You have no idea what you would be in for if she ever caught you with that. Please put it back where you found it!" Syrah begged.

I ignored her attempts to "talk sense" into me. "If Kate knocks I can just tell her I'm doing a little before bed studying" I joked. "How are you going to find out if John has feelings towards me by reading that diary? What makes you think that? How would Kate even know of such a thing?" Syrah reasoned. "You never know what's been put down on pen and paper." I replied. My nimble fingers flipped from page to page.

Kate's handwriting was messy and unkept. Syrah watched quietly as I spent the next few minutes skimming the pages. "Ah, here we go!" I said excitedly. As usual, for the sake of keeping my ass out of hot water I spoke in my native tongue what was written in these private pages.

I read the dated ledger. "December the 8th, 2008" I turned to my sister. "Very recent some of these entries are." I went on to read Kate's most private thoughts and feelings. I could tell Syrah was repulsed and didn't want to listen to a single word as I began to read aloud to her…

"Worried about John, I couldn't sleep well these past few days. Is he at it again? He seems to be sneaking around lately. I don't understand why he is coming home two to three hours late from work What the fuck is he doing behind my back? I can't bear it happening again to me."

I smiled as I continued reading but suddenly that smile became a forlorn frown. "He's cheating again. I don't have the proof but all of the signs are there. I'll have a mental breakdown if I find out he's violated the sanctity of OUR marriage for a second time. It's the neighbor woman, I forget the name of that home wrecker. The one that worked with John at the Homeowner's Association."

My jaw dropped and I could tell Syrah was worried about my sudden reaction. "So he IS a cheater!" I told myself in utter disbelief. I slammed the book shut. "I sat down on the side of the bed and tried to absorb what I just learned. "If he's willing to cheat on Kate then who's to tell if he wouldn't cheat on me when we're married."

Syrah spoke up boldly. "Honey, you sound ridiculous! Just put the damn journal back in the greenhouse. Don't drive yourself nuts over something John might have done in the past. Just…just put it back before Kate knows it's missing."

I turned to my sister and spoke in a matter of fact manner. "You see? I told you I would find out something important and here it is in writing. But Syrah, like I said. I'm not worried about you going after him. I'm worried about him going after you." Syrah rolled her eyes in discontent.

"Leena, you're speaking as if you're already married to him. Just stop and listen to what your saying. I mean there's a thousand different things you don't even know about John and Kate." Syrah placed her palm over her chest. "I mean I barely know them. Don't go jumping to all sorts of wild conclusions because it's insane." she insisted.

I held the journal in front of me and shook it in emphasis. "What's written in this journal are conclusions. Cold, hard facts. You can be sure, dear sister, that I will be reading this thing from front to back. I must know how to break down Kate. I must know my enemy and this journal is the key to all that! And if that means learning more about who John really is than that makes it all the better" I said completely self-assured.

"Well can you at least put it back in it's proper place tonight?" Syrah said. I approached Syrah and stopped in front of her. I rubbed my nose against her neck in affection as I hugged her. "Syrah, gentle soul, I've got to keep John from falling for you. From taking you away from me. I want you to be my Bridesmaid not the other way around."

My chest heaved up and down as I began to sob. I bit down on my tongue in some desperate bid to hold back the surge of emotions as I hugged my sister for dear life. I quickly regrouped myself. "Leena, you're scaring me" my sister said. I released myself from her and began pacing around the room aimlessly as I tried looking for a reason within my soul to dismiss what I had just read in Kate's journal.

Syrah calmly tried to diffuse the escalating situation. "You're getting way ahead of yourself. Sometimes you think too much for your own good. What good is it going to do for you or me to blow things out of proportion? Please be reasonable." Ah, but could she calm me down? "I don't blame John for cheating on Kate. She looks like a fucking dog to begin with. I'm a real woman and I'll show him how a REAL woman treats a man." I exclaimed confidently.

"Yes, that's why he cheated. It's all Kate's fault. I would've done the same thing if I were him. Yes, YES! Nothing to worry about." I said to myself almost ignorant of Syrah's presence. The winds of change were blowing through my heart like a tornado. I laid down in the bed and put the covers over me.

"What are you doing?" Syrah asked. "Going to sleep" I replied. "Fine, you can sleep in here with me tonight. But not before you put that damn journal back where you found it. Now go before Kate takes notice!" my sister ordered. She was right after all. If Kate noticed her precious journal had gone missing she would likely tear the whole damn house apart to retrieve it.

Outside in the hallway I could see that the house was now dark. Were John and Kate in bed? I cautiously tip toed through the empty hallway. It was so quiet, almost too quiet. I softly made my way to the top of the stairs. The top step creaked loudly as I placed my full weight on it.

I gritted my teeth. I didn't want Kate suddenly confronting me with the damning evidence in my hand for her to see. Slowly and ever so carefully I tried again. This time the stairs remained silent as I crept down their length. I methodically trudged my way to the greenhouse. The silver moonlight cast a still and unearthly veil across the plants, their shadows moving almost ghost-like across the walls. I made a mad dash to the oversized flower pot sitting in the far corner of the greenhouse.

Suddenly, I lost my footing and collapsed onto the ground, knocking over a broom. It clattered noisily to the ground. I stayed absolutely motionless like a mouse trying to avoid a cat. "Please don't let her come in here! Please don't let her come in here! " I thought as I felt my body begin to sweat. Surely Kate would want to know what made that noise!

After a few tense moments I realized I was in the clear. I gingerly crouched down before lifting myself back to my feet. My nightgown rustled gently across the broad leaves of a Bell Pepper plant. My eyes darted to and fro, trying to interpret every eerie shadow. Anyone of them could be Kate nosing around. Without any further hesitation I spirited the book into it's original hiding place. Only then did I know I was completely safe.

I hurried across the greenhouse as fast as my feet would carry me until I was in the safety of the entrance to the living room. A bead of warm sweat coursed it's way down my brow. My heart beat quickly at a steady pace. I knew Syrah was anxious for me to return upstairs. But before I could cross the living room my ears were met by a sound.

"Was I seen?" I muttered. "No, it's something else". I put my back to the wall of the entry way to the kitchen where the sound seemed to be coming from. It sounded like loud panting. I was startled by the sound of Kate laughing as two pans clanged noisily together. I recoiled in nervous apprehension. "What in fuck's name?" I whispered.

I walked clear across the banister of the kitchen that opened up into the rest of the house and was met by the sight of John making love to Kate whom he had bent over the sink. I kept a blank expression as I turned to walk away. "Shit!" I heard John say in stunned disbelief. I quietly yet quickly made my way back to Syrah's room. The journey felt like miles as I knew they had seen me.

I ran the last ten feet or so back into Syrah's room, I made sure the door was shut extra tight. Syrah covered her mouth. "Did she see you?" she asked a little frightened. "Oh yeah. They seen me!" I said in a sudden burst of cold sweat. "They? John AND Kate? They caught you with the journal!" she said shaken. I motioned for Syrah to sit back down as she attempted to slowly stand up.

"No, I put the journal back. I was walking out and they were fucking in the kitchen like rabbits and, SON OF A BITCH, they seen me watching them! I wasn't even watching them. They just caught a glimpse of me and I got out of there." Syrah's shoulders sunk. She ran her hands down her face in frustration. "Well then that's not your fault." she said. "Fucking in the kitchen" she muttered under her breath.

"If they come up here just say it was an accident." Syrah instructed. "I mean what's the worse they'll do?" she tried reasoning. "I swear to god they better not go off on me about it. They can't act like a normal couple and screw in the bedroom. I'll just tell them I wanted to get a drink of water. Just some little white lie, that's all"

I could just imagine the two of them going ballistic downstairs, completely unprepared about how to handle the situation. I felt my stomach churn as the thought of my impending punishment loomed over my soul like a thick, viscous cloud.

I stood by the door and pressed my ear to it. I groaned quietly as I heard them run up the stairs. My entire body froze up like a statue in the nerve wracking anticipation. Any moment they would burst into the room half-naked for something that wasn't even my fault. "Are they coming?" Syrah asked, still seated at the vanity. She bit down on her fingernails, probably experiencing the same thoughts I was having.

I heard their bedroom door shut and I knew that for now I was safe. "No, no they went back to their room. I'm too exhausted to even care anymore." I let myself fall onto the mattress as I stared up at the ceiling fan as it went round and round in an almost hypnotic fashion, putting me under it's trance.

"I'm sleeping in here tonight" I said softly. I quickly made my was under the covers. I had a nagging feeling that if I walked back to my own room that I would surely be confronted by one or both of them. Syrah began brushing her own hair where I had left off. "The hell with it. It doesn't matter. Good night, Syrah. I love you."

"I love you too, dear.", I could tell she was tense by the nature of her voice. Was I going to be given "the talk" in the morning? Who could care less. My thoughts only drifted back between John's intentions with my sister. I looked in her direction. "Syrah, if there's one thing you want in this world, what would it be? Honestly."

It seemed like such a stupid question for me to ask but her answer reflected her inner wisdom. She put the brush down and stared at her reflection before turning to face me.

"Would you like to know the answer to that question. It's simple. For the two of us to be happy and to be fulfilled. That's all I want out of life. That the two of us have a reason to live everyday and to not let the past define us. We can't ask for anything more. Why are you getting so philosophical all of a sudden?" Her intelligence really stuck me as being superior sometimes.

I plopped my head down on the pillow, relishing the comfort it brought. "It's…there's no reason. None at all." Finally, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity I was able to close my eyes and really ponder my purpose and place.

But nonetheless I simply couldn't shake the haunting images playing through my head. I shuddered at the thought of John marrying my sister one day. That I would be cast aside like a worn out garment. I shook the horrible thoughts from my psyche. The sickening image of John abandoning me almost seemed to taunt the very fabric of who I was. I couldn't say that it would never happen. Could I? I just didn't know.

I spoke up yet again. "Syrah, if you love me, promise me you won't steal John from me? Please? Can I at least have that?" I pleaded.

My sister became frustrated once more .Her voice became a little harsh. "Stop it, Leena! Stop it! For the last time nothing is going to happen. Then you question if you can trust me? I have to constantly question whether I can trust YOU!"

"Then let's just trust each other" I shot back. "I'm sorry if I'm coming at you the wrong way. I mean, what happens if Kate's out of the picture, then what? What if John DOES become involved with you? Then what do I do? I'm nothing then." I said bleakly.

"You're making a mountain out of a dirt pile." my sister responded. "Let's just drop it, okay. You can trust me if I can trust you. We're sisters after all, right? Can't we start new and just trust one another? I don't want the happiness we've had since I came here to just disappear all of a sudden, despite some of the things you pulled over the last few days" she said."

I threw the covers off of my body and sat up. "Oh, so are you going to bring up my drawings again…" I suddenly stopped myself with the realization that we were fighting without me even realizing it. I could tell Syrah was becoming angry. I took a deep breath and relaxed. "Syrah, you know what, you're right, let's…just go to sleep."

Syrah calmed herself. "Like I said, let's forget about everything and hopefully things will be better in the morning. But you do know John and Kate are going to confront you about what you seen?" she warned. "I'll come up with something simple. I'm not going to lose sleep over it." I replied.

Off in the distance I could hear another thunderstorm rolling in before realizing that my sister had finally turned the light off. As she climbed into bed herself I wondered why I had asked her what was the one thing in this world that she truly and sincerely wanted. Maybe I wanted her to slip up and say John. Maybe I wanted her to spill an inner secret with me. But I felt humbled that all she wanted was our mutual happiness. I hoped it was true but in my heart I knew it was the truth.

I wrapped my arm around her waist and cuddled next to her for comfort. My eyes grew heavier and listless. My mind was too frazzled for even another thought to be allowed to torment me. I fell into the arms of sleep as I tried to put all of my troubles to rest.

**In the next chapter, Esther is not only forced to be given "the talk" by Kate but she must also face the inevitable truth about the Sullivans when Syrah asks John and Kate if she can take Esther to the scene of the fire. Thank you fans and readers alike!**


	42. Facing The Unthinkable

**In the last chapter, Syrah is invited by the Colemans to stay with them for as long as she wishes. Things soon turn bittersweet for Esther as she becomes more suspicious of John and his true feelings for Syrah, causing tension between the two sisters. Later, she catches John and Kate making love in the kitchen, only increasing her worries…**

"I can throw the next stone farther than you" Max signed proudly. With a toothy grin the tot tossed a small rock into the pond which had since thawed out. "Well I think I can one up you on that" I replied. With that I took a larger rock and threw it further out into the water. Of course, Max and I kept our distance from the water's edge lest Kate were to go ape shit on us.

Our breath condensed in the chilly late afternoon air. It seemed to grow more colder and darker with each passing moment. Still, this was the precious time I got to spend with my daughter. I wasn't about to let the grim weather get to me. I watched curiously as Max picked up a masonry brick that was lying in the grass. "I guess we're going to have to do this one together: I told her. Max and I grabbed either hand of the brick. "On the count of three,,,one,,,two,,,three".

The brick sailed through the air before crashing loudly on the surface of the water. The two of us giggled at our almost immature behavior. Max had a tendency to rub off on me after all. "Now if I could just find a way to throw Kate into that water and make it her watery grave?" I thought menacingly. The thought of Max and I tossing Kate's body into the water caused me to smirk.

"Let's do something else! Let's do something else!" Max signed feverishly. Her boundless energy was a lot for me to keep up with. "Whatever you want, my dear." I said. "Swimming. Let's go swimming in the pond!" I held back a laugh. "Maybe in the springtime. It's far too cold. Besides, mommy would kill us" I explained. I looked out towards the pond and wondered how deep it was.

I closed my eyes as I took a deep breath of chilly air. I thought of Kate and Daniel sinking to the bottom like a ton of rocks. Their eyes frozen with eternal horror. Mother and son forever bound in the frigid deep. I knew sooner or later it was inevitable. After all, what better place to hide a body? Max tugged on my arm, jolting me out of my brief daydream. "Swimming!" she signed again.

"You would become a little ice cube if you got into that water. Wait until the spring comes. Then maybe we'll be allowed to go play in the water or maybe daddy will take us somewhere where we can go swimming. I promise Max, we'll have a lot more fun once the winter has passed."

Like any child her age she was hard to please. Yet again I looked forward to the challenge of motherhood. What women wouldn't? "I'm getting BORED!" the little one signed. "Don't you want to throw more rocks?" I asked. "No! No! No! Snow! Snow! Snow!" The two of us turned upon hearing footsteps behind us as they crunched their way through the melting snow.

Syrah walked casually towards us, her arms swinging at her sides. She cocked her head to the side. "And what kind of trouble are you girls getting into now?" she teased, placing her hands on her hips. "Oh, Max just wants to go swimming." I giggled. "Tell me about it. I can't wait for Spring. I'm so sick of all this snow." she lamented.

"Kind of reminds me of back home, doesn't it?" I said. "We always had terrible winters in Estonia" Syrah nodded. "I know, I remember not being able to leave the house for days it snowed so bad" Syrah reminisced.

Not too far from the edge of the pond was a park bench. It looked almost lonely as it lie forgotten in the harsh winter air. I brushed the snow off of the bench before we took the opportunity to just sit down and relax. Although the sun was beginning to fall towards the horizon it still made for a hazy day. Max seemed content to sit between Syrah and I, not wanting to part from her new sisters.

Syrah and I switched over as usual to speaking in Estonian, not that Max minded at all. "So, I'm guessing John and Kate still haven't had a talk with you about last night?" Syrah assumed. "No and I'd really prefer to keep it that way. Can't they tell it was a fucking accident?" I said. "And I'm sorry about fighting with you last night. Nothing more than mood swings" I continued.

"Don't worry about it. I think you have better things to think about." Syrah squinted as the sunlight illuminated us. "Daniel was VERY rude to me just a little while ago" Syrah said. That instantly brought a frown to my face. The mere mention of his name was almost taboo. "Now what? Now what did the little queer do? I told you before that when he disrespects you he disrespects me" I pointed towards myself in emphasis.

"He pushed me out of his way. Can you believe it? He just banged into me and nearly knocked me over and of course John and Kate didn't see anything. That boy has no respect for anyone" she said. "I tell you he's asking for trouble. He has been since day one. If John and Kate don't set him in line I'll do it for him." I warned.

"Now don't you get upset over it. I mean I guess I can understand why he isn't comfortable with either one of us. Everything is so new to him. Everything is so new to us." Max stared intently at Syrah trying to make out words that she obviously couldn't understand. "Well he better get used to it and soon because I'm not letting him get away with too much more. I'll bash his brains in with a damn flower pot." I said angrily.

Max suddenly began signing. "Are you mad about something?" she asked innocently. "Um, no Max. Just a little frustrated about some things but that's not for us to talk about." Max's expression went blank. "Why not?" she asked. "Shhhh, don't worry about it. Just try and stay warm."

I turned my attention on the transfixing beauty of the setting sun. "Syrah, do you remember at home in Estonia when we just sat in your back yard and watched the sun set. That's what this reminds me of." Syrah gazed at it. "You left not soon after. It's surreal. Dejavue, I guess."

"I almost want to close my eyes and wish we were still there." I said. "I'm thinking about just selling the house. After all, I'm on the other side of the ocean now so what's the point of even keeping it. I guess I can call myself an American." she said. I was taken a bit aback.

"Sell the house? What, isn't Svetlana taking care of it like you asked? You have so many memories there after all." I watched as Max put her head on Syrah's shoulder for comfort. My sister gently stroked the little one's hair. I loved how the two of them were bonding a little closer each day.

"Well, ever since Dr. Varava raided my house with the police, OUR house, not once but twice. It just doesn't feel like home anymore. They totally violated my privacy. You seen how they tore it apart. Estonia is where we grew up but it's not for us anymore. That is no longer our home. It's far too dangerous for you to be there to begin with. It's this place, Connecticut, this is where we put down our roots now." I smiled at her words.

"You're so eloquent with your words sometimes. You should have become a poet." Max closed her eyes. "It's the truth though, isn't it? Maybe I'll even just give the house away to her, she's always been a good friend to me after all." A slight breeze made her black hair dance across her forehead. "I have a feeling I'll never return to Estonia. It's funny how at home I feel here." she said.

"These trees, the woods, doesn't it remind you of our other home? Back when we were children? When we used to play hide and seek and build snowmen during the winter?" I said. "Yes, but so much has changed in Estonia. Like I said it just didn't feel like home anymore knowing you were thousands of miles away. I had to get out of Tallinn." she said.

I couldn't help but continuing to reminisce about our past. "Remember that little rat Antonia Jarvai, Who can forget her?" I laughed. Syrah chuckled. "She was a real piece of work. She always wanted to be the third sister. Always wanted to play games. She was always my shadow." Syrah's words took me back to a far, far simpler time in my life. Back when we lived in the house of our father. Long before "Esther" ever existed.

"I wish we could go back in time sometimes and just relive some things. Too many years have gone by yet it feels like yesterday. Skipping school, having picnics, just being who we were." I went on. She smiled. "Yes, going to the same school. Trying to go after the same boys" she said mischievously. We both shared a laugh.

The three of us turned at the sound of yet more footsteps moving towards us. "Speak of the Devil" I muttered as Kate made her way to where we were seated. The broad smile on her face was a clear indicator that at least she wasn't angry at me. Her dark black pea coat swayed gently as she moved closer. "GO THE HELL AWAY!" I wanted to scream.

I yearned to slap that damn smile right off her face. Why the hell did she always have to bother Syrah and I when were having quiet time? Why was she a perpetual thorn in my side? Why couldn't she just disappear for a change? "Girls, is everything okay? You shouldn't keep Max out here for too long or she'll get sick. She's just getting over a cold."

I balled my hands into fists. Her voice, her demeanor, her EVERYTHING boiled my blood. Kate signed to Max, "Get inside, right now before you catch a cold." Max sunk her shoulders in disappointment. "Thanks for ruining our moment you stupid whore" I thought to myself. Max hesitated for a moment. "Right now!" her mother insisted, pointing towards the house.

She struggled to stand up before slowly trudging away. Syrah spoke up and what she was about to bring up with Kate floored me. "Kate, actually I'm glad you sent Max inside because there's something I want to talk to you about regarding Esther and I." she said.

Kate took Max's place between Syrah and myself. The smell of Kate's cheap perfume stung my nostrils, she wore it constantly. Syrah wringed her hands in her lap. She furled her brow in nervousness. "What are you talking about?" I asked. Syrah bit her lower lip and remained silent for a moment. Her eyes darted around aimlessly. I had the feeling that Kate was figuring Syrah would bring up what had happened last night but that was not to be the case.

Syrah tilted her head back and slowly turned her head towards Kate. "I've been wanting to ask you this for some time now but to be honest I didn't know if it was appropriate to do so." my sister began. "Come on now, if it has something to do with you and Esther then it's something I'd be interested in."

Syrah continued on, "It's not something that is easy to ask you about but I'm going to be bluntly honest with you. Esther and I, we need to do something that I've wanted to do for many months now." Syrah once again became quiet, her cheeks turning red.

"Yes, go on" Kate chided gently. "I need to take Esther on a trip for a few days, we need to go to Maine. We…we need to…find closure." My mouth opened wide as I realized what she was getting at. "It's about the last family my sister was with. When she was with the Sullivans. I…I really want to take her to Maine so she can pay her respects…to pay respects at their graves."

"SHE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!" I thought in a sudden rage. Kate didn't seem to show any hint of surprise as she nodded understandably. "And why didn't you tell me this sooner?" Kate asked. "Like I said, I wasn't sure how you or your husband would react. I know it's something you'll want to talk with him about. It's up to the two of you if you'll let me take her. We'll only be gone for two days or so."

Kate looked straight ahead towards the pond. She kept a low voice. "Don't you think that might upset Esther?" she asked. I could feel my knees begin to shake. A cold sweat caressed my brow. "Stay in control, Leena. Breath in! Breath out!" No, I couldn't take it anymore!

I suddenly jolted to my feet and stood in front of the two. "NO! I DON'T WANNA GO! I DON'T WANNA GO! WHY DID YOU BRING THIS UP? WHY?" I yelled at the top of my lungs. A flock of birds shot into the air in fright as my shrill voice broke the calm.

I began crying loudly as I ran off towards the house. Syrah had just torn open all of my old wounds. I felt humiliated as I ran through the slush. "Esther, PLEASE come back!" Kate pleaded. She began to give chase and was quick to catch up to me. Kate dropped to her knees in the snow and put her hands on my shoulders. "Esther, what's wrong! Please calm down! You don't have to go if you don't want to, Syrah was only asking a question."

"LET GO OF ME! JUST LET GO!" I screamed before violently prying myself away from her. I ran as fast as my feet would carry me into the open garage, running past John in the process. I pushed Daniel out of the way as I shot up the stairs. I couldn't get away fast enough. I slammed the door hard behind me and collapsed into a fetal position with my back to the door. Every horrible emotion was now resurfacing. Every horrible memory.

"Why did she have to ask Kate that question? WHY, SYRAH?" I sobbed. I stood up and ran towards the window knowing that I could see out towards the pond.

Kate and Syrah stood by the bench and were no doubt trying to make sense of why I reacted the way I did. "So fucking stupid!" I cried. "I told you before, Syrah. I'm not ready yet!" I hissed in anger. I took off my coat and threw it violently into the corner. I could hardly see through the tears filling my eyes. Syrah knew how sensitive I was when it came to the Sullivans. "Damn it, Syrah!" I yelled. I was only then quick to remember that Syrah had told me she was going to bring this to John and Kate's attention.

I watched as the two women retreated back into the house. I could care less if they came upstairs or not. I felt so embarrassed, so humiliated that Syrah would just bring something like that up. I knew John and Kate were extremely hesitant about bringing that topic to my attention. "You should have known better, sister" I whispered.

What were my options? I decided that I wanted to remain in solitude for the rest of the day. I couldn't bear to show my face even to the ones I loved. I was on the verge of hyperventilating as I paced my room. The tears fell onto my light purple dress. I plopped down in front of a painting I was working on of none other than Kate. "Have to get my mind off this. Leena, don't overreact. Not now, NOT NOW!"

I couldn't believe what had just happened. It had felt like a flash of lightning. I really wanted to just tear the painting of Kate to shreds. Syrah had put me on thinner ice but I knew if I didn't occupy myself with something that I would drive myself mad. I brought out my painting set and prepared myself to resume my work on the portrait. I had to take a few moments just to get my hands to stop shaking.

"My fucking luck! I try to bond with Max and now the day is RUINED! Nothing's ever easy" I sulked. I dipped my brush in the paint thinner before applying some brown paint to the bristles. As hard as I tried I found it almost impossible to concentrate on my work. I wondered why in the hell I was painting a portrait of Kate to begin with? I felt like I should be using my artistic talents for something more worthwhile.

I wasn't left alone for more than a few minutes before the inevitable happened. Several small knocks caused my entire body to grow tense. "Yes?" I called out. In stepped Kate to my great disdain. "If this is about what happened outside I'm sorry, mommy. I really am! Please don't be mad at me" I plead. "That's right. Just ham it up for the bitch" I thought.

"Listen, Esther. We need to talk" she said with the gentleness of a mother's touch. I resumed painting her portrait. "Do we have to? Like I said I'm sorry." I asked. "Yes we do. And I totally understand about your old family. Syrah shouldn't have told me her plans with you sitting there. Are you okay? Are you calmed down?" I nodded. "Alright then…" Kate said.

"It's about something else actually. I meant to tell you earlier but better late than never. We have to talk about last night" I was so annoyed by her seemingly antagonistic nature. I ignored her as I made my brush strokes. "Do we?" I said. "Yes, we do"

I heard her sit down on the bed as I tried my best to pretend she didn't exist. "You see there are certain things grown ups do that children aren't supposed to see…and that was one of them." I felt so embarrassed and degraded having to be talked down to like this.

"Esther, listen to me". I rolled my eyes as I turned to face her wearing a blank expression on my face. "You see, Esther. When grown ups love each other very, very much…they want to show that love, they want to express it."

"I know, they fuck." I said coldly. The look on her face was nothing short of priceless! "Ex,,,excuse me young lady!" I turned back to my easel and resumed my painting. For some reason I knew I had turned a corner with Kate. I was no longer as innocent as I seemed, now was I? "You, I mean…" she was hopelessly at a loss for words.

"Your father is going to have a word with you. I can't believe this!" I cracked a slight smile. I couldn't help myself. Kate quietly walked out of the room too stunned to utter another word. As the door closed I bit down on a finger just to keep myself contained. "Now THAT made me feel better" I said aloud. The thought of her telling John did little to dampen my mood.

"Now if she only knew I used to be a prostitute. Ha, her fucking head would explode!" I was so devilish and I knew it. "Dumb bimbo", yet there I was painting her portrait. I could hear Max making noises out in the hallway. She entered into my room without asking. "If it isn't my little sister?"

She began signing. "Why did you run away crying?" she asked innocently enough. I kept my explanation simple. "Max, I don't want to upset you if I explained why. Syrah said something to Kate that made me very sad." The look on her face told me she didn't understand. "Did you know Max that when I first came to America that I stayed with another family?"

She shook her. "No" she mouthed, of course no sound came out. "Well something very bad happened to them" She stood there sort of dumbfounded. I reached over and pulled her a little closer. "What happened?" she signed. "Should I tell her or shouldn't I?" I thought. After a brief pause I decided to share what had happened.

"They died in a fire" Max covered her mouth. "They died in a fire and I was the only one who survived. Yes, Max…it's all true. It was a long time before at the Girl's Home before mommy and daddy found me." I don't think Max had ever heard something so shocking in her short existence. She was blown away by my answer. Of course I would never tell her that I was the one responsible for the tragedy.

"But why did you run away?" she asked again. "My other family is buried in the ground now in another state. In Maine actually. Syrah asked mommy if she could take me to see their graves and she made me cry because I don't want to go yet. Do you understand what I'm telling you?" She nodded sadly. I could tell she almost wanted to cry herself. "You make up for it, Max. I try not to think about it. But don't cry about it because it's not your fault."

The little girl gave me a hug. It was so reassuring to my soul but I almost cringed at what she would think of me if she knew the entire truth. "What were their names?" she asked. "Daddy was named Paul. Mommy was named Veronica and I had a 16 year old sister named Rebecca." Max couldn't believe that I had possibly been through so much. "But it happened awhile ago. There's nothing either of us can do about it."

I hated keeping the entire truth from my little daughter but I was determined that she would never see the monster within. Max was almost in a trance. I didn't know I would have such a profound effect on her. "Max, like I said, it happened a long time ago. Don't think about it because you'll only upset yourself." I had to change the subject, I was only making the two of us depressed.

I diverted her attention to show her what I was doing. "I'm making another painting Max. Do you like it so far?" I tried to be sweet to her, I didn't want to drag her down with me. "That's mommy!" she signed with a smile. "At least for now" I thought. For the second time I was met by a knock on the door.

"If it's John, all I'll have to do is apologize" I reasoned. "Come in", it was Syrah. "Oh, dear. Max, please leave us just for now, okay? You're going to help me finish my painting I hope?" She nodded in pure delight. "There's that smile. Now you go on and play while Syrah and I talk." Was I really sounding more like a mother than a nine year old to Max?

My sister stepped into the room. "Should I close the door?" Max asked. "Yes". Syrah waited a moment until Max was gone. Syrah was immediately apologetic for the incident. "Leena, I'm SO sorry honey! Are you alright? Are you…" I had to cut her off. "No need to get melodramatic, Syrah. Let's not even start with it. All is good in my world. Little Max knows how to make things all better" I said with a laugh.

"But I saw how you reacted. I didn't know you would react like that. Are you really that sensitive about going there?" I slammed the brush down on the table besides me. "Why must we go, Syrah? What good is it going to do me or you by visiting their graves? Or visiting where the fire happened? What good is it going to do us? I told you that before. Please enlighten me."

"Kate told me after you ran off that it is your decision to make. If you want to go then I'll take you. But I'm not going to force that on you. You need to search your own heart for the answer." I turned to face her. "Then what are your reasons exactly?" She gulped. "I can only envision what happened in my mind. Only on what you told me. Maybe I'm just searching for some closure for myself."

"Then why don't you just go alone if you want to see?" I asked. "Because I want you to be there with me. Not because I want you to feel bad or to drag you through the mud again. Can't we just take a weekend and go there?" I could tell it was something incredibly important to her.

"Does it really weigh that heavy on you? You know why I cried? Why I ran off? I think you know why. You know how much it still hurts." By now my voice was barely above a whisper. "Yes, I'm responsible for that fire and I know what I did. But you were the one who told me you wanted to leave it in the past."

Syrah was very understanding of my plight. "I've forgiven you, Leena. I've forgiven you for everything you did a long time ago. But it's been hell for me too. Remember that you are the one that caused me to feel so much pain." Before I could speak up she placed a gentle hand on my back and leaned over to me. "And I don't hold any of it against you. But I think you owe it to me, Leena. You owe me at least that much. An opportunity for me AND you to get a little closure. Can't I have that at least?"

She was about to turn and leave the room. "Syrah, wait. Don't go yet!" I pleaded. "I'm in the wrong and you're in the right, I owe you at least that. I owe you FAR more than that. So you know what…if you want to go and you want to take me with you…then let John and Kate know."

"But still, I think it's only going to make you more upset. We're both still healing from all that happened. Don't you think it's a little premature?" Syrah shrugged at the question. "You know, maybe it is but I've got to apologize to them for what my sister did. I've got to see what you did myself. I don't know why…I don't know why. Just give me that much. It's not like we're going to grow apart if we go."

"Syrah, it's going to be depressing. It's going to be heartbreaking. Yes, we're healing but it'll tear us open again." My sister was not about to agree with me. "Then so be it. So be it. But I love you, Leena and I hope you can at least find the courage to do this because it's not going to be easy for either of us."

My mind whirled as I thought of that fire. To that horrible day when my life came crashing down around me. I could still feel the heat of those flames as they consumed everything I had worked so hard for. How I screamed and cried out. "Believe me, it's going to be a hell of a lot harder on me than it'll be on you. I was there, Syrah. I could hear them screaming. Fucking James! If that son of a bitch never came into my life."

"I can imagine it will. But we'll drive up to Maine in my rental car, we'll get a hotel room and just pay our respects. That's all I want to do Leena is to pay our respects. THAT will give us closure." Syrah leaned over to hug me. "But it'll be alright. I just want to put everything into perspective."

We released each other. "If you ever heard the screams of a dying person you would understand why I would never want to go back there. A piece of me died that day but when you came to America you replaced that part of me. John and Max have replaced that part as well." For Syrah it all seemed surreal to talk about.

"And I can't apologize enough to you for all the hell it caused in your life. So much that I felt I had to leave Estonia. If you don't think I ever feel guilt then you should know how guilty I feel for harming you. But if you insist, when is the earliest you want to travel to Maine?"

She put her hands on my cheeks. "Hopefully this weekend. Yes, I want us to go that soon. Let's go and get it over with and then we'll have an easier time moving on with our lives." A few moments of uncomfortable silence followed. Each flashback played through my mind as they did a thousand times before. "We'll do something fun too on our trip. It'll be like a little vacation for the two of us. But I'm glad you want to go through with this." she said.

"It's not that I want to go, it's because you do and that's what I owe you. If you're that desperate, I'll do it. Maybe you're right, after all. Maybe I too need to pay my respects. They haunt my dreams, Syrah. I'm forced to relive it again and again. Night after night after night it's been that way. Maybe someone up above is punishing me, I don't know."

I looked out my window. I could see that an intense snowfall had begun. "We were never meant to be here. I know that "Esther" isn't my calling. It's all just a means to an end." I dipped my brush in more paint thinner.

"And speaking of which, when we get to Maine, Leena…I want you to drop the "Esther" façade, just for this weekend. When we go you're going as Leena Klammer. They need to know who their daughter really was. Ever since I came to this country I've yet to see you without the makeup, the silly dresses. I want to see Leena for a change. I want to see my real sister, not Esther."

"Believe me, I would welcome it" I replied. "Then let me tell John and Kate that you agree with me and come Friday evening we'll pack our bags and hit the road. I know it's going to be a long drive but we've got to do it Leena. We've got to do it for the Sullivans. We've got to do it for us." Syrah explained. "You're absolutely right" I said.

"Okay, then. I'll wait until tomorrow to tell them." she continued. Syrah finally took notice to the painting. "I find it ironic that you paint the very woman you say you're against" she said. "It's Esther's painting. Leena paints different things." I told her. Of course Syrah knew well enough the sort of things that I drew and painted when I was alone. Things meant only for my eyes.

"Syrah, do you think Dr. Varava is still looking for me? Even after all this time?" Syrah could only guess. "He only ever came twice. Nobody ever bothered me again." I was content with her answer. "I only ask because he comes to me in my dreams too. He would be the last person on earth I would ever want to lay eyes on again. Sometimes I dream that he's captured me. That I'm locked away again like I was for so many years."

"That sounds so distressing. I can see why you wanted to leave Estonia. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, Leena. I really can't fathom it. But I know that if you didn't escape from Saarne that you would still be rotting away there. I still wouldn't have a clue what was happening in your life. I feel conflicted yet happy at the same time about that night you escaped."

"And look what it led to?" I added. "I really didn't mean to kill that family, Sy Sy. I didn't mean it." She sighed. "And I want to believe that. I absolutely do." I almost felt sorry for my sister. "But enough of that, I just wanted you to see where I was coming from and nothing more."

"Supper is going to be ready soon so finish up painting unless you want me to bring up your food." I was in no mood to eat. "No, thanks. But tell Max she can come back in if she wants to. I didn't want her in on our conversation obviously."

As Syrah went off to go fetch her I was drawn back to the gentle snowflakes falling so gracefully outside my window. The sky was turning grey as the last minutes of daylight began to pass away into nothing. Max hesitated before coming inside. I beckoned to her to come inside, Syrah falling close behind.

"It's okay now, Max. Everything is ALL better because of you!" Syrah leaned with her back against my desk. "Hopefully it won't be as bad as you think. But just think of it as paying your respects and nothing more. But after all I just told you, I'm glad you've found something to live for. That you really care for that little girl right there." I hugged Max as if she were an oversized pillow. "Well, I'm going to leave the two of you alone. I love you, my dear."

"I love you too, Syrah." Now things were calm and peaceful once more. Syrah had certainly given me a lot to think about and a lot to anticipate. The coming weekend was fast approaching. All Max wanted to do was just sit on my lap and enjoy my company. "Syrah's so nice. She's so pretty" Max signed. "Thank you, sweetie. She always has been. But look outside, Max. Isn't it beautiful, too?" I pointed over to the window.

"Every snowflake is an individual. No two are ever exactly alike. They are all individuals. Just like you are." I told her. "Wow, where did you learn to say that?" she signed. I couldn't help but laugh. I thought of a line from the English poet Milton in the poem "Paradise Lost" that I had read as a child - "For the mind is a world in and of itself. It makes a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven." For now I felt like I was in Heaven, showing my little girl how unique she was in the world.

I came to the sudden realization that I was going to be either my best friend of my worst enemy and that I was at a crossroads. I knew I had to fight to keep Max in my life and that sooner or later I would be in for the fight of my life. As Max tried her hand at painting once again I thought of how far I had come since the Sullivans. What I had lost and what I had gained. But would I be able to handle my past when I had to come face to face with it? Time would soon tell…

**In the next chapter, Leena and Syrah finally take the trip to Maine in an attempt to find some level of closure. But will that be the case or will tension and pain find it's way back into Leena and Syrah's relationship? Thanks for reading, subscribing, and viewing! I always look forward to it! Also, I do have a question for all the readers out there. Do you think as an author that I am "humanizing" Leena too much as opposed to just making her out be a total monster? It's something that I have been thinking about as I write these chapters and I would appreciate your own perspective on Leena's personality as opposed to what is seen in the movie. -Thanks!**


	43. Fade To Gray

**In the last chapter, tensions mounted for Leena when Syrah revealed to Kate her intentions to take her sister to Maine to pay their respects to the Sullivans. After much trepidation and despite her personal feelings, Leena decided to bite the bullet and take the trip to Maine with her sister. Syrah hopes that by doing so; her and Leena will find a level of peace and closure that has eluded the two sisters since the untimely death of the Sullivans…**

"Leena! Leena! Wake up, it's high time. Wake up! Come on, dear!" I felt a hard shoving on my shoulder as I started out of a deep sleep. "What? What is it?" I felt absolutely dizzy with drowsiness as my eyes hung heavy and listless. I struggled to see or make out anything in the night's darkness. I was immediately drawn to the time displayed on the car radio. "One in the morning? Already?" I lamented.

"You've been asleep for hours." Syrah said. "And I've never heard somebody snore so loudly in my life". I stretched my body in the front passenger's seat. Sitting for all of those hours was giving me cramps. I sat silently as Syrah began to fumble around in her purse

But it only seemed like a moment ago when Syrah and I had embarked earlier in the evening and the hours must have flown by in my state of slumber. "We're at the hotel so let's get moving." she hastened. "What? You want to see the graves NOW? At this time?"

My sister let out a sigh, running her hands down her face. "No, Leena. Just get the bags out from out of the back seat while I go check us in." She seemed very insistent, almost in a hurry. She bundled up her coat before exiting into the extreme cold of another bitter winter's night. I watched her breath condense like a huge puff of smoke as she hurried to make her way inside the front office.

My eyes suddenly burned as the florescent lights of the building lit up the night sky with an intense, white aura. As I finally came to I realized that we were more or less in the middle of nowhere. I could see that the parking lot was virtually empty save for a few other vehicles off in the distance.

This wasn't even a hotel for that matter. At first glance, it looked like a cheap motel, the kind where prostitutes and the other dregs of society would hang out at. In fact, the single story structure wasn't all too different from the sort of places where I used to conduct my "business" out of.

I tossed and turned in my seat, fumbling for the button to release the seat belt. I sincerely did not want to leave the comfort of the vehicle. "Screw it", I put my head back onto the seat and tried closing my eyes again. Maybe I was dreaming, after all. I had settled back into rest for no more than a few seconds when I heard a soft tapping at the window.

I moaned and groaned, expecting to see Syrah as I rolled down the window slowly. Standing there was an older man wearing no coat and dressed in absolutely ragged clothing. The holes in his shirt and the dirt on his jeans were the tell tale signs of a street person. He wore a scruffy grey beard and a stained baseball cap that seemed as aged as the man himself.

I could see the age etched on his wrinkled face. Even in the cold air the strong smell of alcohol was terribly repulsive. "What? What do you want?" I challenged him in anger.

"Excuse me, little miss. You don't happen to have a dollar or two I can borrow, do you?" His speech was somewhat slurred, indicating he was obviously intoxicated. "FUCK OFF, YOU FILTHY BUM BEFORE I GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT!" The old man seemed indifferent to my harsh demeanor as he meandered off into the darkness from which he came, staggering aimlessly to and fro.

I leaned my head out the window. "AND I HOPE YOU FREEZE TO DEATH! YOU HEAR ME, MISTER?" I shouted. Still in a state of exhaustion, I finally mustered up the reserves to get my tired body out of the car. The sudden chill gripped my bones. "Might as well be in the Arctic" I grumbled.

I opened up the side to retrieve the two bags of luggage that we had packed. "Damn it, Syrah. Why did you have to pack so much?" I pulled the heavy black travel bags from out of the seat and let them fall at my sides. The wind suddenly picked up slightly and I immediately went numb. It was easily below zero this far north. I was hoping that the bum would stay at bay as I waited a few anxious moments before Syrah returned.

Her hair blew backwards in the wind as she motioned for me to follow her. I struggled mightily with the oversized baggage, dragging them lazily behind me. For an 83 pound woman like myself it was nearly impossible to carry 30 pounds worth of baggage or of anything else for that matter.

As this was a motel, all of the doors to the individual rooms were on the outside. Trash and cigarette butts cluttered the sidewalk. I could hear the endless wail of television sets as I passed by each room, their electric glare emanating eerily from the windows. It was strange how uncomfortable I felt yet how familiar of an environment this all seemed. There were plenty of dumps such as this in Estonia where I used to sell myself for a quick buck.

My attention was soon drawn to all of the beautiful stars gazing down upon us in the sky. It was a stark contrast to this dump I would soon be spending the night in. I shivered uncontrollably. It felt as if it were becoming colder by the minute. Even in Estonia the winter's never seemed so cold and harsh.

Finally, we made it to our room. I watched as Syrah struggled for a moment to unlock the door. "Come on you piece of crap" she griped to herself. "Hurry up, sister. I'm not really in the mood to get mugged tonight!" I urged. She finally managed to lurch the door forward. I hastily made my way inside, welcoming the inviting warmth. Syrah closed the door tight and locked it, keeping all of the more unsavory aspects outside. As I took stock of my surroundings I was immediately struck by the musty smell of stale cigarette smoke. Syrah flipped on the lights which broke through the dense darkness.

I immediately took off my jacket and set it down on a chair. "Couldn't we have gotten a better room elsewhere? Is this really where we have to stay?" I complained. "There's nothing I can do about it. The GPS says this was the only one in the area." my sister said. "After all, it's not so bad. It's just for tonight and then we'll head home." I chuckled for a moment. "What's so funny?" she asked.

"It's just strange that you call the Coleman's house…home. As if you've claimed it for yourself already. You know what I mean?" Syrah cleared her throat. "You already told me that, sweetie. Well, home is wherever I'm staying I guess. Home is wherever you happen to be. It's not like we can drive back to Estonia or anything. Unless you want to get your feet wet" she said with a laugh. She excused herself and disappeared for a moment into the bathroom.

I looked around at the pathetic excuse for a room. White walls stained with the nicotine of a thousand cigarettes. The carpet looking as if it hadn't been cleaned in years. At least the simple beds on the other hand looked clean enough to lie on. The small bathroom that Syrah had ducked into was directly adjacent to where the closet was. I almost hesitated to lie down as much as my aching body wanted me to. "I've had worse" I thought. "Much worse."

"Should I unpack?" I asked. Syrah was pretty adamant about what she wanted next. "Yes, and I need you do something before we can both go to bed for the night and please don't argue with me about it." I didn't answer her. I could hear the bathroom sink running and assumed she was washing up. She looked serious as she came back out.

"Leena, hon. I need you to do something before we go to sleep and I don't want any drama over it" she repeated. "What?" I asked. The look on Syrah's face seemed to show she was disappointed that I didn't know the answer. She leaned over and picked up one of the travel bags, placing it flat on the bed.

She quickly unzipped the flap and pulled out some clothes; a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. "Remember what I told you the other day, Leena? That when we would get here that you would drop the whole Esther nonsense. Just for this visit? Just for this short time?" I nodded understandably. She held the clothes out to me. Her demeanor was dead serious. "Get dressed!"

"Syrah, it's one in the morning. Why not wait until we get up?" Syrah stuck to her demands. "Don't argue, honey. Please go into the bathroom and get out of that ridiculous outfit of yours. I just want to see my REAL sister for a change. Come on now, don't make me beg just to see you as yourself for once."

"Who could blame you?" I gingerly took the clothing from her hands. "It's not like anybody is going to recognize you. Now if we were back in Tallinn then there would be no way in hell I would allow you to do this." As I was about to leave for the bathroom Syrah gently grabbed hold of my wrist to stop me.

"Oh, and let's not forget. There's a clean washcloth in there. Lose the makeup, sweetie. I want to see a woman, not the false face of a nine year old." Without another word I trudged into the bathroom and shut the door. My heart began to race like an engine at it's red line. I could feel my blood pressure almost skyrocket. No, I didn't want Syrah to see Leena Klammer. I wanted to hide myself from the entire world.

I looked into the mirror at "Esther" and realized that she was the only thing keeping me from a one way ticket to disaster. I could stand to look at "Esther" but never Leena. But I was always obedient to Syrah and I wasn't about to go against her wishes. I would do as she asked if it would make her happy. What choice did I have in the situation I was in?

I hesitated for a moment before I began undressing. "What if she doesn't like what she sees? Will she judge me? Will she somehow have less love and respect for me?" Again, what choice did I have? I removed my shoes and pulled my tights off. I thought about how thin my legs looked when they were bare. I became more nervous and apprehensive as I looked in the mirror at "Esther" once again

How disgusted I was to see that false persona. Yes, I could bear to look at her but I was always ten times mores disgusted to see the real me. To see Leena Klammer staring back at me was a living nightmare. I suddenly felt ashamed as I pulled off the black plaid dress I was wearing. So old fashioned, yet one of the few things that seemed to define me.

I let it drop haphazardly to the cold linoleum floor. A large moth landed on the porcelain sink, making it it's perch. Angrily, I balled my hand into a fist and smashed it down onto the tiny creature. In an instant it's life was ended. Nobody would miss him after all. I ran the cold tap water and washed the mess off of my hand. "Why am I so angry? What is there to be angry about? Just let Syrah see LEENA!" It was as if my subconscious was trying to tell me to stop. That I was making a grave mistake.

I took the pair of jeans, a pair that Kate had bought me, and slid them on. It had been a hell of a long time since I had worn such clothing. Clothing that every other woman took for granted seemed so alien to me. "Guess they don't look too bad on me."

I then began to tediously unwrap the medical gauze from my slender frame. I wore it so often that it almost seemed to stick to my skin. Slowly it unrolled around me until I finally peeled it completely off. I let it fall into a heap on top of the pathetic looking dress. The gauze acted much like a corset, making me appear smaller than I really was. I forgotten that I even had the curves and the figure of a woman. Was Syrah really ready to see all this?

Beads of sweat coursed down my face as I slid the t-shirt over my body. I didn't even need a bra, my body was so undeveloped and ravaged from my disease. The shirt clung pathetically to my skin I looked into the mirror and stared at the blue ribbons still dangling within my hair. How disgusted I was by them! I removed the silk atrocities and let them fall down onto the pile along with everything else that made "Esther" who she was.

I let my hair fall down over my shoulders. I fluffed it a few times as I struggled to stare at my own reflection. Just one more thing to do. Yes, just one more thing but probably the toughest of all. True, there was plenty of times when I removed and reapplied my make-up but this was always done in total privacy. Now I felt as if the whole world was watching me over my shoulder. Mocking me for the pathetic excuse of a creature that I felt like inside.

My lips quivered, I placed my hands on the sides of the sink just to keep my whole body from trembling. I felt woozy as if I were on the verge of passing out. I reached over for the washcloth and wetted it in some warm water. I held it to my face realizing that I had to do this for Syrah. I OWED it to HER!

The washcloth made a sickening slapping sound as I put it to my face. Slowly I let the water permeate the make-up as it finally began to run onto the washcloth. It was another one of those moments that felt like an eternity, I could almost feel my hand go limp as the make-up dripped down into the dirty wash basin.

Each drop was a part of Esther that was literally going down the drain. "Is everything okay in there?" My sister's voice was now making me almost paranoid. "One moment, Syrah. PLEASE!" As I washed my entire face I became strangely transfixed by the transformation.

The vibrant, youthful skin of "Esther" was giving way to the dull, pale, almost grayish skin of Leena. The frown lines and creases I tried so hard every day to hide from the entire world were now bare for all to see. I knew I had aged even more from the time that Syrah and I parted ways in Estonia to this unreal moment.

She would soon see how ugly I was. Not only how ugly I was on the inside but on the outside as well. I felt like my appearance was a physical manifestation, a reflection if you will of the rotten soul that dwelled within. I feared my sister would become so repulsed that she would faint or worse. I couldn't shake such wretched thoughts from my mind.

I took another towel and dried my bare face. Was it merely fear that my sister would judge me that was causing my distress? Or was it the fear that, as with James, some person would recognize Leena for whom she truly was? "Alright, ready." I called out. I could feel a knot grow tighter in my stomach.

I reached for the brass doorknob, turning it slowly and methodically. I had to dig deep for the courage just to take another step. But I had to get this over and done with. I hanged my head as low as I could. The linoleum tiles gave way to the dirty carpet as I trudged out of the bathroom.

I suddenly stood still, becoming almost like a statue. Too frozen in shame. Suddenly I felt her gentle hand life my chin. "Look at me, Leena. There's nothing to be ashamed of here." How much willpower it took to lift my gaze. Syrah had the sweetest, most tender look on her face. "Leena", she whispered. "It's finally you for a change." She caressed my cheek with the back of her hand.

"I missed how beautiful you looked. Now you can be you for once." A wall mirror was hanging right behind her. She stepped aside and gently guided me over to the mirror. "I want you to take a good moment and look at yourself." I felt as if the mirror would crack at my very reflection. Her hands were placed delicately on my shoulders, trying to reassure me that I had nothing to fear.

"Oh God, I look so hideous." I reached out to touch my reflection. "No wonder no man wants to be with me. Who the hell would want a freak like this?" I wanted to collapse into a ball and retreat back into the dark recesses of my soul. "Now Leena, don't start beating yourself up. You ARE an attractive woman. You DON'T have to behave as Esther in order to get a man to love you." Syrah's attempt to reason with me would be fruitless.

"Oh, really? Look at how beautiful you are, Syrah. You're nearly 40 and you barely look older than 24. You always had boyfriends when we were growing up. You've been married before. You always had the best relationships. And what did I get? All I ever get is rejection! I'm so ugly and STUPID!" I suddenly stared at myself in the mirror as I grew more upset.

"You hear me you stupid little whore. Just say it, you're UGLY and that's why nobody wants you!" Syrah immediately tried to console me. "Leena, are you really that filled with self-hatred? Do you really mean to tell me that? Please, pretty PLEASE don't make this trip any harder than it has to be."

She pointed to the mirror. "Repeat after me…'Leena Klammer…I love you!' Go on and say it! Lift yourself up for a change." I stared at my cold, dark eyes. There was not a glimmer of beauty in them. I couldn't manage it. I turned my back to the mirror. "You know something, Sy? I can't tell you how many times I've looked at myself without the make-up. Locked in a bathroom, doing my best to make Esther real. And yet…" I trailed off.

"Scared, aren't you? I know what you're thinking, Leena. That you'd somehow put me off if I seen you for who you really were. Leena, you're fully aware that I KNOW Esther is fake. Do you think I'm going to be terrified just because you take off your mask every now and then? Come on, I think you have a little more sense than that. You know I'm not going to pass judgment on you" Once again it was incredible how Syrah always instinctively knew how I felt. That bond was still as strong as ever.

"It's not just that." I started. "The whole reason the Sullivans died to begin with was because they found out who I really was. It's…it's not just you. You don't know how hard it is to be Esther, yet at the same time it's just as hard to be Leena. I'm paranoid! I feel like I'm going to walk outside tomorrow and every person will know that Leena Klammer is on the loose." I laid down on the soft mattress as my sister took a seat at the edge of the bed.

"No, no, I understand. But you look so much different without the get-up. We're what? Three thousand? Four thousand miles from Estonia? It's not like Dr. Varava is hiding in the bushes outside. You don't stand out at all, you look like a normal human being. But if you start acting paranoid around everyone than people are going to question you. Stay in control!"

Ah, that helped a bit to put my mind at ease. "Syrah, isn't it crazy that a man I slept with years ago just so happened to run into me a matter of miles from where we're at now? That he blackmailed me? And then finally he stabbed me in the back and caused me to…God I can't even bring myself to mention it." Syrah gently ran her hand through my hair.

"Leena, he's dead, right? It's not like he can come back and ever try to hurt you again. I mean, guessing how you went through that then you do have a right to feel nervous. But we'll have enough on our plate in the morning. All we have to do is go to the graves and for you to show me the fire. That's IT! Then you can go back to the Colemans as Esther and nobody will be the wiser as to who you really are. Can you do that for me, honey?"

"Yes, but I hope we can both make it back in one piece. It's going to be so fucking painful tomorrow. The pain, it's already tearing at my chest, Syrah. I can't get this knot out of my stomach. I can't get the lump from out of my throat. I know you're…I know you're just…" I felt as if I were on the verge of a panic attack.

"Just what? Trying to close that chapter on our lives? I'll tell you one thing, we're not up here because I'm looking to drag you through the mud or anything like that. You promised me that you would come up here with me. And you know what? After tomorrow, we'll never mention the Sullivans around each other ever again. How does that sound sweetheart? You want to leave it in the past then so be it. After tomorrow it'll be a done deal for the both of us."

I sat up, slightly confused. "You mean to say like it would have never even happened? That we'll just forget about this disaster forever? Bury the hatchet?" I was hoping Syrah would feel that way. "Leena, I know you're never going to forget about it. I just want it to be dead between us because if we keep going back and forth and dwelling on it then…well, it's not going to be very healthy."

I took a minute to measure my thoughts. "Do you think tomorrow with be healthy for us? I said it a few days ago that I owed this to you. Believe me, I DO NOT want to be here right now. I rather be at home cuddled up next to John or playing with Max for that matter. Not wallowing in this filth ridden hell hole." Syrah suddenly cut me off.

"I know but don't start complaining. It's for one damn night and that's it. We're not staying up here for a week or anything. After all, they want beautiful weather tomorrow and I'll try to make it as painless as possible for BOTH of us. We'll go to the grave to lay flowers. It'll be like how we used to visit our grandparents graves back home. And visiting the sight of the fire? Again, we'll just lay flowers and say a prayer. It's not going to be as hard as you're trying to make it out to be, my dear."

She was about to finish her thought when we were startled by a loud knocking on the door. "What in the hell…?" I questioned. We suddenly heard the muffled sounds of the old drunk that I had encountered outside a short time earlier. "Little miss…hey little miss, are you in there?" More knocking followed. "That stupid son of a bitch!" I hissed. "Fucking bum tried coming up to the car and asking me for money when you were in the office." I explained.

We both were alarmed when the doorknob began to shake. "Come on, I just need a dollar" the old drunk pleaded. "I have pepper spray in my purse" Syrah said. "I think I can one up you on that." I told her. I reached into my coat and pulled out a folding butterfly knife, not exactly legal to carry around. He continued to mill around outside. "This is unbelievable" I muttered. I quickly lost my temper yet again as the adrenaline began to rush.

"I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ONCE AND ONLY ONCE, EITHER START WALKING OR YOU'RE GOING TO START BLEEDING!" I warned through the door. Syrah tried taking control of the situation. "Leena, keep it down before someone hears you." I wasn't having any of it. I angrily marched to the door and unlocked it, flinging it open without a second thought. I was determined to give this old drunk something to cry about. "Leena, what on God's earth!" Syrah was in complete disbelief at my bold display.

I took two or three steps out into the cold and swung the blade out of it's handle. I watched as the fear grew in the old man's eyes. His pupils seemed to dilate as he suddenly became very quiet. I held the blade out menacingly as I bared my teeth like a wild animal being threatened. "You LEAVE my sister and I ALONE! Do you UNDERSTAND me you worthless piece of shit?" The anger in my voice was enough to make him back up, holding his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture.

He didn't just seemed stunned by my violent gesture. It was obvious to me that I wasn't the little girl he thought he had seen earlier. He looked utterly shocked at the "grown" woman standing before him,.

"I…I don't want any kind of trouble little miss…I…I just had a little too much to drink." He carelessly bumped into one of the cars as he inched backwards, forcing him to catch himself. "If you DO come knocking again there's going to be some VERY serious trouble."

The idiot finally fell flat on his ass before literally crawling away in defeat. Syrah came outside holding a small white can of pepper spray. "Give me that!", Syrah grabbed the knife from my hand. "What do you think you're doing carrying around a switchblade? Hurry, get back inside. You're letting the heat out."

I took one last glimpse at the pathetic creature as he disappeared once more into the dark, inky void. Syrah pulled me back into the room, once again securing the door. "You see, Leena? Stuff like what you just pulled are going to land you in hot water. The BOTH of us, damn it. Why did you have to go and threaten him?"

I shrugged. "Because I was defending us from God knows what kind of scumbag that was." Syrah seemed to accept my answer. "I was just afraid for a moment that…you were going to stab the guy." I smirked at her. "Had he came at us then he would've been in for a treat." She poked her head through the blinds to make sure the coast was clear. "Don't worry about it, Sy Sy. The bastards gone. Now can I PLEASE go back to sleep." I begged.

"I just don't want the guy flagging down the cops…" She finally trailed off with a nod to me. "Go ahead." she resigned herself. "I'll just take a shower in the morning. It's too late in the night now." I said before yawning heartily. "Can you turn off the light?" I asked. I wanted to climb into bed but I found myself hesitating for awhile. "Better not be bed bugs in this filth hole. Did I ever tell you that we had bed bugs at Saint Mariana's?"

"You don't say" Syrah laughed. "Blood sucking bastards bit me left and right. You can't trust a dump like this." I lied down and threw the covers over my head. I took comfort that I was lying in a warm room while that piece of shit bum would have to find a dumpster to stay warm in. Ah, how other people's suffering always managed to put a smile on my face.

I decided not even to bother changing out of my clothes. "What's the point in even changing into a nightgown?" I thought to myself. Syrah spoke up. "Well, I'm going to have a shower. So I'll see you in the morning. I know there's a ton of things on your mind about tomorrow but just try to get a good night's rest, okay? Love you, Leena."

"Love you too, Syrah." We always told each other that each and every night without fail. A reminder that we were bonded through thick and thin together. I fluffed the pillow and let my eyes grow heavy once again as the sound of the shower water acted as white noise.

The hypnotic noise began to dim for a few brief minutes until finally I had drifted back into sleep. As consciousness faded into black, I began to dream. I found myself experiencing the same dream I had had for the past week.

It started out simply enough. Syrah and I were walking into the cemetery with the car parked back in the distance. It was a sunny, cloudless day yet it seemed to be either springtime or summer as there were leaves on the trees despite the fact we were both dressed in winter clothing. One of those days that seemed too bright, too colorful, and just a little too real to be true.

Birds chirped melodically one song after another. There was no dialogue between the two of us as we approached the graves. Syrah simply stared straight ahead in a slow, emotionless, monotone manner. Her movements and demeanor seemed almost mechanical.

Suddenly and out of nowhere the sky began to become darker and darker as if nighttime had suddenly began to seize the day with no warning. I could even liken it to a sudden celestial eclipse. Yet there was peace and calm between the two of us as we held one another's hands. Slowly we approached four graves. Paul, Veronica, Rebecca, and…James. They were all there, just as I had remembered them.

Suddenly the earth began to shake violently. Syrah became motionless and became fixated in place. It was as if she had become a mannequin, still and lifeless. Yet even as the earth shook I didn't seem to lose my balance. The shaking increased in intensity as the ground began to open up beneath me. I suddenly realized in terror that I was alone. Where had Syrah gone? The darkness was all consuming. It was the worst darkness one could ever imagine. Surely I thought I was about to die!

But I did not fall into the chasm. Instead I found myself hovering over the pit as if I were being suspended in space by some unseen force. I tried to open my mouth and scream but it was as if my jaw had been wired shut. The gravestones and the earth itself were all swallowed by the black pit as if it were some hungry beast. The background suddenly disappeared. Neither trees nor birds nor warmth. Everything became deathly cold. Had I descended into hell?

It was only then when a gigantic hand rose forth from the pit. It was easily the size of four or five grown men. As it rose into the air I could see the dark, rotten flesh absolutely infested with writhing maggots. Thousands if not millions, each of them enjoying a macabre feast of death. The stench was unbearable. The sight unbelievable. The terror palatable. I tried to run but I couldn't move. I couldn't scream. I couldn't call out for my sister. I was completely under the spell of this horrible vision.

As this abomination gripped me in the very definition of fear I watched as it began to open. Slowly, the decaying fingers opened until the entire hand was left to bare. I was staring at the palm of the hand, now completely infested with vipers. In the center of the palm was a gigantic red eye. It neither blinked nor moved. Instead it merely stared at me, knocking at the very door to my soul.

It was the most evil thing I had ever seen. The proverbial "evil eye" in flesh and blood. Suddenly the hand moved closer. I felt my feet and legs begin to tingle uncontrollably. As I looked down I found myself standing in a vast sea of maggots! I was standing in them nearly up to my knees."

My mouth remained shut. Suddenly the eye inside of the hand morphed into James' rugged, evil face. "Stupid woman! You're mine for the taking, naughty girl!" Suddenly his mouth opened. It opened far wider than it could in real life. This was followed by a horrifying sea of snakes that rushed from his mouth like a living waterfall, falling at my feet and mingling with the countless maggots. I suddenly felt as if the maggots were beginning to devour me….

Suddenly it was all over! I jolted up in bed in absolute terror. My eyes darted through the darkened space only to my utter relief that I was still in the motel room. The shower water was still running. I knew I had only been asleep for a few brief minutes. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I thought as I collapsed back down onto the pillow. I draped my arm over my forehead.

Syrah emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in her nightgown. She took a concerned glance at me through the semi-darkness. The bright moonlight streaming through the windows providing our only source of light. "Is everything alright, Leena? You look distressed."

"I…just had a terrible dream. That's all, nothing at all's wrong." Syrah got under the covers with me. Even though there was a second bed adjacent to us I felt more safe with her by my side. "Was it about tomorrow?" she asked quietly. "Sort of, but I'll tell you about it in the morning. There's…I'm just exhausted."

"Well you're not the one who had to drive all those hours" she teased. "Not that I can see over the steering wheel anyways" I joked. Syrah was reassuring. "Don't worry, honey. Let's hope for the best tomorrow and just rest for now. Believe me, it will come and go just like that."

Syrah finally settled in as I was left to think about what I had just dreamt about. Was it some sort of sign? Should I even bother taking notice to it? "You're just freaking yourself out" I thought. "No worries, Leena. They're all dead and buried." Still, I knew I wasn't prepared for tomorrow. Hopefully I would be strong enough to stay sane through it all and poor Syrah, bless her heart! We would get through this TOGETHER…I hope…

**In the next chapter, Leena and Syrah finally face the music but who will have the tougher time dealing with the past? Will Syrah stay as calm and collected as Leena hopes for her to be? Can Leena trust herself enough to hold herself together? Or will the whole experience turn out to be more than merely paying respects? Thank you fans for continuing to read, review, and subscribe! Two and a half years of writing this and I'm still not burned out :D It's all because of you guys! Thanks! **


	44. A Day Of Sorrow

**In the last chapter, Leena and Syrah finally make it to Maine. But it isn't long before Syrah demands Leena to drop her role as "Esther" and reveal her true self. Now the day has finally come for the two sisters to pay their respects…**

Nothing. There was absolutely nothing that I was looking forward to on that cold, dismal morning. I could tell my sister was deep in thought as we drove through what seemed to be the middle of nowhere. It all felt unreal. I wished I could snap out of this, as if it were nothing more than another bad dream. But it was reality and I was being forced to do something that I dreaded more than anything.

My body sunk deep into the cold leather seat. "Can't we just turn around and wait until tomorrow? It's snowing too hard." I pleaded as Syrah kept her attention on the road. "You've been acting this way ever since we woke up." Syrah put a reassuring hand on my knee. "Stop trying to halt the inevitable and let's get this over and done with. I know you're stressed about today. So am I. But remember what I told you. This is something you owe to me."

I wished for just about anything to stop what was about to happen. Let the tire blow out. Let the engine overheat and die. Just don't let this day occur! No, I knew my silent pleas would be all in vain. After all, Syrah was the one holding all the cards. I had little choice but to accept her will. "Does all of this look familiar?" Syrah asked. "The houses, the roads, it's all how I remembered it."

I involuntarily began rocking back and forth in my seat. I couldn't help it. "I thought I would never have to see them again. I don't want to do this!" I lamented. I could almost feel myself becoming short of breath as I pleaded one more for her to turn the car around.

Syrah angrily hit her hand on the steering wheel. "Stop it, Leena! I thought we were going to make today as easy as possible? This won't take long. Now you're making ME upset. I drove us here, I paid for the motel room so we're going to do things my way, understand? Don't make this any more difficult already" I didn't want to utter a single word in my own defense. It would do me no good anyways.

The robotic voice of the GPS suddenly sounded. "Turn right onto Willow Road". My heart throbbed as if I were about to have a heart attack. The bitter sting of fear began to pierce every corner of my soul. I could see it! NO!…

There is was in plain sight. "Coastal View Memorial Park" read the lonely, rusted metal sign that stood at the entrance. I scanned the endless rows of forlorn gravestones. I felt absolutely naked without the guise of Esther. It was a feeling that filled me with a sense of terror.

I felt as if even the overgrown oaks scattered across the cemetery knew of whom I was and why I was here. I felt as if the whole world would be watching. With my "Esther" persona all but gone who could I hide from? I played nervously with the fabric of my coat, cursing each passing second. Hoping for this to be over as quickly as possible.

The car slowed to a crawl as we drove down the narrow lane that led into the heart of the cemetery. The snow had now since tapered off, leaving a light coating on the ground. The branches of the mighty oaks swayed in the wind as a cold front moved through. It was a dismal atmosphere. "Leena, you need to show me where they're buried." Syrah said.

"Just stop the car" I replied. She pulled over to the side as I wrapped my coat tightly around my chest. Something seemed to have changed in my sister. The morose feeling I had been experiencing all morning had seemed to take hold of her. I had never seen her quite so somber before.

"I can tell you're no more willing to do this than I am." I told her. She sat back in her seat. "You're right. Do you really think I want to be here right now? It doesn't matter if we want to or not. We have an obligation. Now let's go and lead me to their graves. We'll be back in Connecticut before we know it. I know you're nervous but the time is now."

I might as well have been going to my own funeral at that point. Syrah opened her door and walked out onto the road. I on the other hand was lost in a silent trance, frozen in place. I was willing to sell my soul just to get out of this situation. "Leena, come on now. Don't try to draw this out." I put my hand on the door handle but I could only continue to hesitate. I was forced to stare at my horrid reflection in the windshield. I put my hand to my cheek. "Monster" was the only word that could come to mind. Only a monster could do what I had done.

"Leena, NOW!" Syrah demanded. It was back to reality as I moved at the pace of a snail. My conscious was telling me to stay in the vehicle, to ignore Syrah's commands. My heart seemed to sink into the pit of my stomach as I left the vehicle. I felt as if the earth itself were cursed by what I had done to that family. I looked up into the gunmetal grey sky, the sun a mere haze covered by thick clouds that seemed to form an endless impenetrable barrier.

My attention was drawn to Syrah as she walked around to meet me. In her arms were a bouquet of red roses that she had purchased on our way up to Maine. She extended them to me. I knew what I had to do, what begrudgingly HAD to be done. We walked alongside each other as I slowly led her off the road and into the snow covered grass.

"I haven't been here since the funeral. Not since the day they were buried." I said. Syrah remained quite, as if she were doing so out of respect. The snow crunched underneath our feet as I guided us among the hundreds of graves. "Do you know where you're going?" Syrah asked. I looked at her sadly with a nod.

It wasn't long before the four graves came into sight. The gray headstones looked new and polished; a contrast compared to the ancient, forgotten, decaying headstones that seemed to surround them as far as the eye could see. I clutched onto the bouquet of roses as I stopped a few feet in front of them. "This is it." I said sullenly. "This is what you wanted to see."

Syrah stopped next to me, clutching onto her long black coat. "Now can we go?" I begged. Syrah remained quiet. "This is it…" she said to herself. She took a few small steps ahead of me before slowly kneeling down to inspect the inscriptions. "My God, they were so young" she said quietly. I shuffled uncomfortably. When was this going to end? Why did we have to leave the comfort of our motel room for this?

She turned her head swiftly. "And James…the one on the very end…he was the one who knew who you were? Is that the honest truth, Leena? Come on and be honest, this isn't the time for anymore lies. Tell me the truth about what really happened on that day." Her voice seemed to quiver a little bit, as if she were pleading with me for the answer.

"Why? Do you distrust me all of the sudden?" I shot back. "All I want is the truth" Syrah repeated. I suddenly raised my voice. "Damn it, what I told you a hundred times IS the truth! It was just bad luck. I slept with that man years ago and it came back to haunt me. The story I've always told you IS the truth and there's no way in hell I'm placing flowers on that bastards grave." I pointed angrily to his headstone. "I hope the son of a bitch rots in hell!" I exclaimed.

Syrah immediately stood up. I could tell she wasn't happy in the least. "Don't you raise your voice at me! I asked a simple question and all I wanted was a simply answer." I rolled my eyes at her. "Why? Even if I gave you another story you would still think of me as a liar" I said sarcastically, turning my back away from her. Syrah immediately became frustrated. Things were getting tense, fast!

"Turn around and face me, damn it! Don't disrespect me like this! How dare you raise your voice when all I'm trying to do is talk with you?" she shouted. I swung around in a near fit of rage. "For the last time, the story I told you is the TRUTH! They only died because of him, because of that worthless piece of shit! I never got the chance to tell Paul Sullivan that I loved him and that I'm sorry for what happened over a piece of shit like James."

"That's because you LET it happen, Leena. Did somebody put a gun to your head and force you to burn that house down. Did they? Or were you so self absorbed that you couldn't have run away and called me so that I could come get you. I would have came here to America in a heartbeat. No, instead we have to visit a cemetery and see your handiworks first hand, now don't we? And then you don't have enough in you to even want to come here and apologize. No, I MUST be asking too much of my little sister." I was surprised how harsh Syrah had become.

I was definitely going to defend my pride. "Well then maybe we should build a damn time machine and try again, now should we? I was the one who cried about it night after night. Day after day and I STILL do sometimes." Syrah was having none of it. "Oh, and like I didn't cry an ocean over what you've done? Keep thinking about the pain YOU placed YOURSELF in, not the pain you caused me."

"Syrah, I cried for you too. I really, really did. This wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't plan this." The tears started to flow once again. I wiped them away with the sleeve of my coat. "You know what, Leena. Like I told you last night, I don't have a single clue what I would do if I were in the situation you were in. But one thing I can assure you of…" her voice suddenly became filled with anger. "I WOULDN'T BURN A HOUSE DOWN AND KILL AN INNOCENT FAMILY!"

She yelled so loud that I jumped. She was quivering with pent-up emotions. "I…I…" My words trailed off. "What?" A lump formed in my throat. "I don't know what to say." Syrah tilted her head back, her frustration continuing to build inside her. "Leena, if you had just five more minutes with the Sullivans, forget James, just five more minutes with those three who thought you were a daughter and a sister, just tell me, what would you say to them?" she whispered.

I couldn't answer the question. I doubt I ever really could. Syrah spoke up again. "You know…a soul doesn't get rest until it finds peace. Their souls need peace, don't you think? Maybe if you just answered my question they could get some peace…don't you want them to rest in peace?" Her voice was much softer now. The tears flowed uncontrollably as my thoughts raced at a mile a minute. "Yeah, I want them to rest in peace, I want them to have that" I sniffled.

"Then if you really want them to rest in peace then pretend they're standing here right now. Talk to them. What would you say to them if you just had a few more minutes to explain yourself? Tell me what you would say! Don't think about yourself right now, think about them!" she insisted. I hung my head in defeat. I couldn't bear to even face my own sister. I kicked gently at the snow, my psyche becoming numb, still pathetically holding onto the roses.

"You really have nothing to say to this family?" she said with a hint of disgust. "I have plenty to say" I answered. "Then SAY it!" Once more I became silent. "Look at me in the eye." my sister demanded. Still more silence. "Look at me!" she said softly. "Leena, look at me in the eye. You let that family suffer and die in that horrible fire. Please, don't be so selfish now. That family wants to hear from you so they can rest in peace".

My body began to tremble. To this day I don't know if it was out of fear of Syrah or fear over what I had done. "I…I tell them every night before I go to bed…that I love them and I miss them." Syrah shook her head in disbelief. "Somehow I only think you cared about Paul. That's truly how I feel. Did you care about Veronica or Rebecca?"

"Of course I did" I sobbed. "Then show it" Syrah demanded. She slowly walked towards me causing me to back away. "Leena, just stay still and let me take your hands." She gently took the flowers away and extended her hands towards mine, holding onto the tips of my fingers.

"Leena, if you could go back and have a chance to avoid this madness all over again, would you do things differently then?" I nodded although I had a feeling that Syrah didn't believe me. She let out a long, almost exhausted sign. "You need to tell the Sullivans why you killed them. Why you ended their lives the way you did. Just tell them, that's all. You're going to set them free and you're going to set you and I free. Free so that we can move forward and that they can finally be at peace."

"I'm afraid. I'm just afraid." I said, shaking life a leaf. "What on earth are you afraid of?" Syrah asked tenderly. "Look at me, Syrah. I'm standing here and I'm forced to confront something I don't have anymore control over." Syrah was now beginning to lose her patience again as she leaned forward.

"Leena, I'm going to ask you one more time. Say something to them so they can rest in peace. Have some courage now, please don't be a coward. Find it within you, Leena, PLEASE! If you didn't have the courage in the past just find it now and explain to them why you did what you did so they can rest in peace. We all get a shot at redemption sometimes and this is your chance" she said in a quiet anger. "Please don't make me, Syrah." I begged.

"Can you not give the Sullivans an answer?" she said in a rising tone. My silence must have spoke volumes about me. About all of the fear and apprehension I was feeling. I watched as Syrah's eyes became two little slits. Her expression showing a grave concern.

"Leena, to kill a family. To burn their very house down with them inside…and now you can't give an answer to these poor people. These people whom you victimized. " She pointed emphatically at their graves. "To let them lie in the frozen ground and never let their souls have a moments peace because you don't have the courage." She continued.

"And you didn't have the self control and moral compass when they were alive to stop yourself from doing such a horrible thing and now you don't have the courage to simply give them an answer because all you are is thinking about yourself and your own selfish needs." The more tears I wiped away the more that seemed to come. "There is no simple answer, Syrah. There is no simple answer." Once again I hung my head in total shame.

Syrah continued on. "And out of all the horrible things that can happen in this world. Out of all the evil that exists out there. And you just stand there like a load with not a word to say." She shook her head in disbelief.

"And now they get to lie in these graves. Not for a day, not for a week, not for a month, they get to lie here forever. They get to lie here for eternity. And all you got to say for yourself is that you can't come up with an answer. How pathetic! And now you don't let them get a moments peace as they rot in their graves! And all you can do is stand there and think only about yourself".

My sister was unrelenting. I knew she wouldn't stop until I spoke up. Syrah forcefully turned me around to look at their graves. Again, she made the same demands. "Say something to them. Say something damn it. Say something to this family, YOU OWE IT TO THEM!" I could only continue to shake and quiver. "Say something to the Sullivans so they can rest in peace YOU SELFISH BITCH!"

"I'm so fucking sorry, Syrah. I really mean that." Syrah pointed again at the graves. "Don't say sorry to me, say it to them." Syrah handed me the roses yet again. As I shuffled closer to their graves my feet felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds. It took every bit of fortitude to approach them. My sister quickly made her way over to me. Her voice once again became calm and collected. "You're showing all this emotion now. I know you're hurting but please do this for me, okay?"

Finally, I began to speak. My lip quivered as I struggled to find the right words. "Paul, Veronica, Rebecca…I came an awful long way today to say what I have to say to the three of you. First of all, there are no words that can describe exactly how I feel and I know all of the apologies and tears in the world are not going to bring any of you back again. I can still remember that day. I can still smell the smoke. I can still feel the heat of the flames. I can still remember every detail and I always will until the day I die. The day that ended your lives and changed mine forever. Yes, we had our good times but that doesn't matter now and that's not why I'm here."

"You knew me as Esther Sullivan. You knew and loved me as a daughter and a sister. But that's not who I am." I paused for a moment. "My real name is Leena Klammer and I'm 33 years old. But I'm well aware that each of you already know that. I've been living the lie of Esther for many years now. But before I go any further let me say that I think about what happened every single day and every single night."

"I think about how all three of you reacted when James provided proof of whom I really was. Paul, how you literally tore the house apart." I paused once more to collect myself. Syrah put her hands on my shoulders to keep me calm. "You're doing great…go on" she said.

"I'm sure all of you would want to know why an adult woman would go through the trouble of acting like a little girl just in the hopes that a family would take me in. It sounds insane, doesn't it? Something that only a mad person would do? There's a lot of reasons but I'll try to keep it simple. You see, I have a disorder. A medical condition where I am unable to physically grow into a normal adult. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true and you have to understand that if you want to understand me."

"You see all my life all I ever wanted was a man who would love me and a family I could raise. A family to call my own. But not in the same way a child wants a family. No, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I never grew up wanting to hurt anybody. I never asked for much out of life. I just wanted to be like everybody else. I always wanted to be happy and content." I clenched my fists in an attempt to keep myself steady.

"I've never known what it's like to be a mother or a wife. I can only daydream about the joy that's always out of reach. How wonderful and magical it must be to give birth to a child and to raise it with all the love in the world. I can't have children of my own and it seems no man in the world would ever bother to love me. My whole life I've been searching and seeking…and yet all I've ever found was rejection and abuse."

"My biological father was the only one who ever loved me in the way a husband would love a wife. I know, it sounds so sick, so wrong, so unnatural but that's all I've ever known." I stopped for a second to look at my sister. "It's okay…keep going." she instructed,

"I know it's a story you don't want to hear and it's not an excuse for what I've done but all of the men in my life have only ever used me and abused me. I've been beaten, I've been raped more times than I can count. Nobody ever cared for Leena Klammer besides my sister Syrah, the woman standing here with me. I don't know where I came up with the idea to become "Esther".

"Maybe I thought if I acted like a child long enough that I would find someone to love me, even if they loved Esther instead of Leena. After all, it's easy for me to pretend to be Esther. Nobody besides my sister has ever cared for Leena in the same way they care for Esther. And that somehow, someway, I would find someone who would love me romantically. I figured if nobody would ever love Leena than I had to be somebody else. It's…I know, it sounds absolutely mind boggling, doesn't it? But I've never loved myself, I've always felt dirty and disgusting. Maybe that's why I went through so much trouble."

"I was so excited when I found out I would be living with the three of you here in Maine. And yes Paul, I really did want you to love me in the same way you loved Veronica. It's the honest truth. And Veronica, I hold no malice against you or your daughter. But I was grasping for straws and I hoped against hope that one day I would get your husband to fall for me like some sort of storybook ending, And I honestly didn't have a clue how I was going to make that happen. I know that I'm worse than a home wrecker but it gets more complicated…"

"And that's because you weren't the first family to take me in either. I'm from Estonia, not Russia as you thought, and…um, there's no easy way to say this but your deaths are unfortunately not the first time that I committed such an act. I…it's so hard to say this but I killed an entire family when they took me in as their daughter. This was in Estonia. To put it simply, the man who loved me as a father rejected me. "

"All I wanted was a romantic relationship and he turned me away and…something snapped inside of me. I completely lost my sanity at that point. And what happened? I wound up murdering the entire family before burning the house down. I know, the world would think of me as a monster for doing such a thing and rightfully so. But when I finally came to America, please believe me when I say that I didn't want that to ever happen again, but unfortunately all three of you had to pay the price."

" I didn't start that fire because I was angry with any of you. Paul, Veronica, Rebecca…I did it because I was scared. Scared that I would go to prison or worse. I know that doesn't make it right but I never held hatred or anger towards any of you. I understand that I am your murderer. I understand that none of you will probably ever forgive me. I'm sure that if you're looking down on me right now that you hold nothing but contempt for my actions and for that I completely understand your rightful hatred of me."

"What I did was wrong and even though I'm not in a prison cell, I'm still paying the price. I really wish it never happened. Your fate wasn't sealed the day you first laid eyes on me. I didn't enter your household with the intent to kill and cause all the chaos that I have perpetrated."

"I know a lot of what I'm saying makes no sense. I don't expect it to and I'm by no means trying to ask for forgiveness, either. Whether we'll ever meet again on the other side of eternity, I don't know. But if you three were here right now…I would gladly take any punishment you would give me."

"I just wish every day that I could put Esther to rest and just be me. But the world doesn't love me as Leena. I absolutely hate Esther. I hate every part about her but I hate Leena even more. Every day is a struggle and I think about what I had done every single night. And all I can say is that I'm sorry for deceiving all of you. I'm sorry that everything got so fucked up. Maybe one day you'll find it in the three of you to forgive me. All I can hope is that you're in a better place. And I'm sorry, I sincerely mean that…and that I love you and I hope my words can help the three of you rest a little easier."

I had so much more that I wanted to say but I couldn't muster any more inner strength. I felt emotionally exhausted as I ended my speech. I turned to face Syrah, unsure of how she would feel about the sincerity of my words.

."That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn't mean to get frustrated and call you a selfish bitch, I apologize for that. I just wanted you to do what you just did for me…to do it for them. Okay?" I nodded. Yet unbeknownst to Syrah, this speech was only intended for Paul. I really had no attachment to Veronica or Rebecca and certainly NOT James. But what was done was done and any secrets I held in my heart about the incident would remain hidden. But still, If their souls were really listening to me then at least I felt a little content with myself.

I retrieved the roses, there were a dozen of them. I carefully took four roses and placed them on Paul's grave. I did likewise for Veronica and Rebecca. Of course, James didn't receive any sympathy from me. I returned to my sister's side. "Let's bow our heads and have a moment of silence" she said. We folded our hands in front of us, respectfully paying our overdue respects. I could hear Syrah muttering a prayer. I felt so sorry for having to drag her through so much pain and agony.

After a few moments we raised our heads. . "I need to say something too." she said quietly. "I need to say my own apologies." I was caught a little off guard by this as she cleared her throat, readying herself for her own words. It took her a few moments to hold back the tears. I then listened intently to what she had to say.

"My name is Syrah Klammer, I am the older sister of Leena. You probably never heard of me but I'm the one who brought Leena here today. I convinced myself that it would help the healing process if we come to pay our respects."

"You can never understand the guilt I feel in my soul for what my younger sister did. Believe me, I carry the same burden that she does every day. It's not something that will ever disappear. Maybe it fades with time but it's something that will never go away. Why do I feel guilty? Because I knew what my sister was trying to accomplish. I knew she had convinced your family to adopt her yet I stayed in Estonia and did nothing. Not because I was lazy or didn't care but because I was convinced that my sister wouldn't hurt another soul." She suddenly choked up.

"I tried to snap her out of these plans that she had. I tried my best but I failed. I could have stopped this from happening. I could have done many things but I did nothing. You don't understand how much I love Leena and never wanted to see her get hurt., It was out of love for Leena that I continued to let her walk a free woman and look what happened? I know that it sounds so selfish. But I misjudged her and this tragedy unfortunately had to occur. It occurred on my watch and I just wish that I could turn back the hands of time. I truly do."

"Had I stopped her…" She let out a pain filled cry. "Your family would still be here and building your lives. But now it's too little, too late. I feel just as guilty as Leena for what had happened. It didn't have to end this way. I begged my sister to no end to stop the Esther nonsense but she never listened. When the fire happened I thought that it was impossible for this to have occured a second time. Yet out of my own love for Leena I never turned her in. I know, I KNOW I should have but I didn't. I know that would have been the right thing to do but…it's so hard to explain. It's…not excusable, I know that."

"And for that I too may never receive your forgiveness. But one way I can honor your lives and your memory is by making sure that nobody else has to pay the price that the three of you have paid.. Leena has unfortunately convinced another family to take her into their fold. I'm here in America living under the same roof as Leena so that I could be with her. To make sure the Coleman family stays safe from harm."

"I wish I could have taken the same steps with your family but this is the least I can do to honor your memory. Please don't hate me for this. Please don't hate me for protecting my sister. She is a very ill person and she needs help rather than just punishment. Believe me, she IS paying the price for what she has done."

"I'm just so torn up between keeping other people safe from what my sister may do and wanting to keep my sister out of trouble. I know it sounds wrong, even sick. I just don't want to see her rot away in prison. I know she needs to be held accountable for her actions but I can assure you that I will be the one to hold her accountable from now on. But I had to take her here. She had to explain to all of you why she did what she did and I'm beyond ashamed that I didn't do more to prevent this. Oh God, I'm so sorry!"

Syrah put her hand to her mouth and wept bitterly. I took her other hand and gently held it. "Let's just go , Syrah. We said what we had to say. Whether they'll ever know or not…I'm so sorry for hurting you, Sy Sy." I could see the hurt in her eyes. It made me feel absolutely rotten inside. As if I were no longer worth even being in her presence.

Without a word we turned to leave. "Why did this have to be so hard?" she wept. "I told you today wasn't going to be easy. But it's alright now. Can't we just go back to the motel and rest until tomorrow?" Syrah coughed as she struggled to regain her composure. "Just…one more thing now…the scene of the fire.' I almost couldn't believe my ears. Surely this was enough emotional suffering for one day.

"I'm in so much pain, Leena, I'm hurting so much but I want to see the house. I really just want to get this day over with already." Syrah's pain only caused me pain. "I'm such a pathetic excuse for a sister. Yet you still stand by my side and take all of this. I'm sorry, Syrah. I can't say that enough. Whether you believe it or not I feel like shit for putting you through all this madness. You deserve so much more better than me."

We trudged our way back to the car. Syrah removed a tissue from her coat and wiped her eyes. "It's unbelievable, I didn't know it was going to be this difficult for either of us. But we have to finish what we started." I resigned myself to her will. "It's only about a mile or so down the road. It'll be the on the left a few hundred feet after you make the sharp bend." Syrah fired up the ignition.

"The frozen ground…" I said to myself. "This is all part of the healing process, Leena. All this pain we're feeling. All this emotion we're expressing. We're getting it out of our systems for the good of us. I turned around and took one final look at the lonesome graves as we pulled away. "So sorry…so sorry, Syrah."

"There's no point in apologizing, honey. I knew if you could bring them back that you would in a heartbeat." I honestly felt guilt for the first time in a long while. Sure, I still grieved for Paul. He still held a special place in my heart. Yet I thought back to how good Veronica and Rebecca treated me. I may not have loved them like I loved Paul but I still wondered about how their lives would have developed had I not taken them so soon.

"You said about a mile?" Syrah asked. "Yes, past the bend like I said." The car ambled along the road, every little thing I seen reminded me of my past here. "Veronica used to drive me to school on this road. It feels so strange. Even the little things like the street signs, I'd be lying if I said it isn't hard to look at."

It was only a few short minutes before closing in on our last stop. "The driveway, on the left. Follow it all the way down and the house will be at the end of it." I wanted to close my eyes and keep them shut for the rest of the trip. "Syrah, I remember the last time I was on this driveway. When I was taken to the hospital and I had to tell you what happened. It had to be one of the worst moments of my life." The stone structure finally came into view. "Oh my God!" I said in shock.

"I know this is difficult, sweetheart. Hold it together now." I wanted to simply disappear as we came to a stop. "Leena, you don't have to say anything here. I just wanted to see this for myself and nothing more." I suddenly felt lightheaded. I could feel all of the strength drain from my body. Syrah didn't hesitate to get out and see the site for herself. "Are you coming with me?" she asked.

"I just need a minute." The feelings of that day were all coming back at a million miles an hour. Syrah came around and opened the door for me. All of the anger and animosity she had held a short while ago had seemed to melt into a better understanding of why this had to happen. "Let me help you out" she offered. She wrapped an arm around me and helped me over to the ruins of what was once my home.

All that was left was the stone shell of the house. The grey limestone was blackened and cracked in parts by the intense heat of the blaze. The windows were all but gone. Graffiti already riddled the outside of the structure. "Oh my God! OH MY GODDDD" I cried. Syrah cuddled me closer as I covered my mouth in horror. Syrah was staying strong for the both of us.

Broken glass, charred wood, it was complete devastation. Police tape surrounded the entire structure. The roof and second stories where my bedroom had been had all but collapsed onto the ground floor. Syrah could only shake her head in a mixture of awe and total disbelief. "I want to say my eyes are deceiving me but…I mean look at this" she remarked. The stones that made up the back of the house had completely collapsed into an unrecognizable pile of shattered debris. "Leena, I didn't bring you to that cemetery or to here for that matter to pass any kind of judgment on you. Don't think that for a moment, my dear."

I approached the house ever closer. "Leena, be careful. I don't want you to get injured. Leena, what are you doing?" It was almost entrancing to witness. I held an open palm out in front of me. "I can still feel it, Syrah?"

"Feel what?" she asked. "The heat, the flames. I can still hear them screaming. God, if I live to be a thousand I'll never forget the way that sounded. You can't even begin to imagine." My eyes were drawn to the woods surrounding what was once the Sullivans property. "I ran into those woods, Syrah. I just lost it that day. I felt like I was going to die."

"I don't even want to talk about receiving that phone call. It was the worst phone call I'd ever received." she said. I stepped into the structure itself after ducking under the police tape. "Be careful" Syrah warned again. Straight ahead of me I could see the wall that made up the front of the house. The stone on the interior were completely black with soot.

It wasn't just the remnants of scorched furniture and collapsed beams that seemed to surround me. It was terrible memories and tattered dreams. Everything was lost on that day. So much human life was annihilated in such a short period of time. "It burned for so long, Syrah. I can't believe I did this."

Syrah kept her distance behind me, refusing to enter. There was hardly anything that looked recognizable. "It's damaged forever, isn't it?" I asked. "What? This house?" Syrah replied. "No, I mean our relationship. I think we should have never did this. Now I feel like it's ruined. Like we took a step back instead of a step forward. You know what I mean?"

Syrah walked closer. "Not true, honey. I know I was a bit harsh with you back at the cemetery but that's only because I wanted them to hear what you had to say. You may not believe it right now but this is going to bring us a lot of healing. It's going to bring us closer together. This day is all about getting closure, not opening up old wounds for either of us." I sighed. "I hope you're right. I honestly do." Suddenly, my eyes were attracted to something that seemed to be vaguely shimmering among the otherwise blackened debris.

I bent over closer and slowly picked up the object. I instantly lost my breath! I couldn't believe what I was holding! "This is impossible". My eyes grew wide in disbelief. It was the golden heart shaped locket that Rebecca had given me the very first time we met. Although it was dirty, it still shimmered nearly as brightly as when she had given it to me. The gold chain was still affixed to the heirloom. Instantly, I was taken back to the night when Paul and Veronica brought me home. I couldn't believe that it had survived the fire.

I turned around, nearly stumbling over myself as I made my way back to my sister. "What is that you have there?" she asked. Crying, and without a word, I handed the locket to her. She inspected in carefully, gently running her fingers across the surface. "What are the odds of me finding this?" I said.

Syrah held the locket out in front of her by the chain. "It's beautiful" she remarked, transfixed upon the shimmering memento. "Rebecca, their daughter, she gave that to me when I met her. It's a gold locket. I can't believe it. I can't believe I found this!" Syrah seemed to be deeply moved by what she was holding. "Are you serious, dear? This was something she gave to you?"

"It was her gift to me." I explained. "Turn around" Syrah said. As I did so she brushed the hair away from my neck. I watched as she placed the necklace around my neck, taking a few seconds to secure it. "I'll tell you who is going to be wearing this. I'm giving this to Max first thing when we get home. She needs to know how much I care about her."

Suddenly I became dizzy once again, just as I had in the car. Without warning, I could hear a loud buzzing sound within my head. The sound grew louder, drowning out every thought and feeling. Everything quickly became blurry and then…darkness as I felt my body collapse to the ground.

The next thing I could remember was my sister violently shaking me back into consciousness. "Leena, are you okay? Sister, speak to me! Speak to me! Wake up!" she pleaded hysterically. I could see her outline as my vision returned to me. "What? What happened?" I asked. There was almost a sense of panic in her voice. "You fainted! You just collapsed to the ground. Dear lord, are you alright?"

"Must have…must have just been overwhelmed by all this." That was the only explanation I could come up with. "I'm really starting to worry about your health" she went on. "Here, let me help you up". Syrah had to catch me several times as I struggled to maintain my balance. "This is all too much for the both of us. Let's get back to the motel so that you can get some rest. Are you sure everything is okay with you?" She placed the back of her hand on my forehead. I swear she was more like a mother figure than a sister sometimes.

"Tomorrow we're going home." she said. "We're going to go forward and leave this in the past where it belongs." I couldn't accept her reasoning that easily. "It's not that simple. A piece of me died along with them that day. How am I supposed to forget like it never even happened?"

"That's not what I meant" Syrah said. "All I'm saying is that we're not going to let it rule over our lives anymore. Yes, we'll always carry what happened that day in the back of our minds. In our hearts. But it's not going to define us. Understand?" I could see where she was coming from. "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow actually. It's fucking back to being Esther again." I lamented. My sister frowned. God, how we both hated the name "Esther" and everything she represented.

"But just remember that we don't tell John or Kate or anyone else about what was said today. What we said at the cemetery and all. It stays between the two of us." she warned. And perhaps that was the best that I could hope for after all…

**In the next chapter, "Esther" and Syrah return to the Colemans but things soon get off to a bad start and begin spiraling out of control for Leena…what will happen exactly? Keep reading :D Thank you to everybody for your unending and continued support! Read, review, subscribe! Also, please read my one shot story "Zero Hour - Columbine", a real life story based on the Columbine High School massacre of 1999 which will be released on Fan Fiction in the near future.**


	45. Conflict And Consequence

**In the last chapter, Leena and Syrah made the painful visit to the Sullivans grave. As Syrah became emotional, Leena struggled to make peace with what had happened. Shortly thereafter, the two once again became overwhelmed as they made the short trip to where the fire had occurred…now the next day comes to pass.**

It was such a bitterly cold afternoon as Syrah and I finally returned home to the Coleman residence. It was one of those strange winter days, when everything is dead silent and you feel like the only person in the world. One of those days where the silence is almost deafening. The gun metal grey sky, the trees bear and seemingly lifeless. It was one of those days where most people become depressed. How I yearned for the warmth and rejuvenation of Spring. But today there were different things to ruminate about.

"Finally…home" I said with a sigh of relief as Syrah and I trudged up the Coleman's driveway. Syrah was insistent. "Don't drag your feet, Leena. You're going to track snow into the house. And just remember what I told you about keeping what was said where we left it." I got the chills simply thinking about John and Kate discovering about how I had spilled my heart out in that empty, desolate cemetery. About every dirty secret that passed through my lips.

I could feel the warmth of the sun's rays illuminating my skin. It felt reassuring in some strange way, as if I had nothing to worry about. That maybe karma would be on my side for a change. "I just hope they don't probe too much about the trip. When they ask how it went we'll tell them it was difficult but necessary. But that we're feeling better now. Do you understand, Leena? I mean it's not like they were there looking over our shoulders the entire time."

"Feeling better? It doesn't help that we both feel like shit, does it Syrah? I can't shake this damn feeling I'm having. I don't feel like sitting down with them and saying how I feel It's nobodies business but ours" I said adamantly. "It doesn't matter how we feel. They're going to know that things are heavy in our hearts right now. All I'm asking is that we keep what we said to ourselves."

I took on a look of sarcasm. Could she possibly state anything more obvious. Why not just say the sky is always blue? "Come on now, you don't think I know any better?" I said with a hint of defense. "Every secret, Syrah…every secret we'll take to our own graves." Syrah was despondent. "And that's what worries me. That instead one day these secrets are going to eat us up alive on the inside." I could see where she was coming from.

"I've thought of that a million times already. It's kept me up so many nights." I said. "They say times heals all wounds…believe me I know that isn't exactly the entire truth." I did my best to try to reason our feelings away. I would do anything to justify my actions, to convince Syrah that it was perfectly okay to keep secrets. What John and Kate didn't know wouldn't hurt them. At least not at this point in time.

I mean, there were so many emotions and feelings that I thought I had buried with the Sullivans. Things that I always hoped went into the cold, New England ground with them. Now they were back and as fresh in my tired mind as ever. As if the whole incident had just occurred all over again. I almost felt angry for having been dragged into the whole ordeal. But I knew that I couldn't blame my sister for how I was feeling or for doing what she did. After all, I caused the fire and the deaths, not her.

Although I welcomed the familiarity of being home, I still felt in the pit of my soul that John and Kate would read right past me. That maybe they would suspect something wasn't all that right after all. I looked up at Syrah. I could tell that she was deep in thought, perhaps thinking of the same things I was. She had no choice but to continue lying. I knew it was wearing on her.

"I'm not worried about you keeping a secret. You keep enough of them after all." I told my sister. She huffed. "Let's just go inside and get out of the cold. I've had enough of this weather and I know Max will be happy to see you after being away like this." Syrah knocked on the front door. "Why knock? Didn't they give you a house key yet?" She rubbed her hands, trying to keep them warm. "I still don't feel right about just barging in." she said.

The door opened and I was forced to lay eyes once again on the one person on this planet I wanted dead more than none other. "Oh, look who's back!" said Kate emphatically, truly eager to see the two of us once again. I stomped my feet on the outside welcome mat, knocking the snow from off my boots. Syrah leaned over to give her host a hug, Such a simple display of affection made me feel nauseated. "I was expecting the two of you tomorrow" Kate added.

Syrah was strangely silent. I grabbed onto her hand, my heart jumped in fear just looking at Kate. The look on her face had gone from charmed happiness to a sudden polar shift into grave concern. "No, Syrah. Don't blow this on me!" I thought in a panic. Syrah was becoming pale. She was at a total loss for words as she released her embrace. Kate's eye darted over to me. I averted my gaze and stared at the hardwood floor. In that wretched moment I truly felt like I wanted to disappear forever. Damn the day I had ever met the Sullivans!

Kate was obviously becoming a little disturbed with our strange and distant behavior. "Is…is everything okay with you guys?" she asked quietly. "You can't imagine…" Syrah said sadly. Kate immediately put a hand on my cheek. "No, I can totally understand. I wasn't there but I know that this had to be one of the most difficult days in your lives…" I stared blankly at Kate, acting cold and distant. Her mere presence made me feel so belittled.

"Esther, do you need anything. Mommy needs to know how you're feeling so she can help you. Can I get you anything? Please, if you need to talk…" I felt as if I weighed a ton. I couldn't get myself to move away from her. Syrah began to regain her composure. I guess the two of us were still shell-shocked from the previous afternoon. I simply ignored Kate as best I could. I wasn't about to open up to anyone else besides my sister.

"A lot of things were said there, Kate. Things that Esther and I would rather not talk about right at the moment. But I'm very proud of Esther for having the courage to have gone through with it all. It was hardest on her. She's a strong little girl." Syrah put a calming arm around my shoulder. I moved closer, trying to cuddle into her. After all, she was one of the few sources of strength and comfort that I really have in this world.

Kate nodded in concern yet what a relief it was for me to see how understanding she really was. No hard questions. No drama. Kate got down on one knee, making eye contact with me. She wrapped herself tightly around me. She knew I was in pain. I turned away from her, doing my best to hide my obvious disgust. Wasn't it strange how I was in this house for the sole purpose of seeking out love, yet I could be so abhorred by love at the same time? Just another strange paradox I suppose.

"You here that, Esther? Your sister is right to be proud of you and so are your father and I. If you need a few days off from school or anything just let me know, you probably need some time to feel better again." She loved me, I could see it in her eyes. She loved me as much as she loved her own biological children. Too bad she didn't know that I would never return the favor.

"I think Esther will need those few days." Syrah said. "I didn't mean to take her there just to see her start hurting again. We have our reasons. I mean we already discussed all of this before we left. The healing isn't finished yet. It's one step of many." I adored how eloquent Syrah could be with her words. The two began making chit chat about me. Kate continuing to express her concerns with my sister. I turned my back for a second only to be startled by John's strong arms lifting me in the air. He kissed my cheek before placing me back down.

Instantly I felt a rush of joy course through my body like a burst of pure happiness. "Oh daddy! I missed you!" I chimed in excitement. My arms quickly found their way around his waist. "Love you, love you, I LOVE YOU!" I exclaimed some more. "Aw, well mommy and I have missed you too." I wasn't sure at the time whether he was holding back or not but it didn't seem he shared the same reservations as Kate did about what I had just experienced on my trip.

"So happy to be home. I missed you too mommy!" I only said that to placate the bitch. Kate smiled broadly, her eyes bright and filled with life. She cradled my jaw in her hand and stroked my hair. Syrah stood by herself at the doorway, I could tell she was sinking back into her own mind once more. Kate's voice was soft, soothing almost. "Remember what I said. I won't push it on you. But if you want to talk…you know where to turn." I looked towards John. He curled his lips inward. He had obviously heard what his wife had said. Now he looked rather sullen and serious.

He motioned his wife over to his side. I innocently pretended to mind my own business as I could see him whisper into her ear out my peripheral vision. It didn't take a genius to know that I was obviously the topic of their conversation. Should they pry me for answers? Was John simply scolding Kate? "If I may excuse myself" I told them politely. I had to get away from the situation before I found myself being grilled on what had happened. Sure, I knew I could fake it. I knew that I would be able to talk my way out of anything but my heart had been hurting enough.

Syrah was still lost in thought, her eyes glazed over. "Syrah, Syrah…Syrah!" She jolted out of the recesses of her mind. "Let's go where nobody can hear us" I whispered in Estonian. I led her by the hand and to the back into the greenhouse. I took my grey long coat off and plopped it down on one of the tables. "What's the matter all of a sudden?" she asked.

"I, I don't know. They know I'm in pain, they know I'm hurting right now. They know you're hurting. I don't want to talk to them about any of this. I just don't" I said rashly. "I mean, she told me she wouldn't push it on me or anything. And I can tell you're nervous as hell. You were so besides yourself."

"You know how I get sometimes, Leena. But let's think for a moment…I mean John and Kate aren't psychics. They're not going to read our minds. But you're right that it's a lot to handle. Let's just clear our heads and put what we said and experienced to bed. Let's leave it in Maine where it belongs. Can't we just move forward? Don't make a mountain out of an ant hill?"

"Now you know that's not true, Syrah. If what we went through was an ant hill then I would hate to know what the mountain is. And it's not just John and Kate. I mean, you were so quiet on the drive back. I think you feel the pain as much as I do. I'm really starting to wish I never met the Sullivans, I really am. Would have saved us a whole load of shit now would it?"

"Don't worry about how I'm feeling so much. It was worth the trip and I'm satisfied with how it went. If John and Kate ask you to talk about it then just say you're not up to it. Or better yet just let me do the talking. If they ask you then have me there while they talk with you if that's how you want to take this. Don't torture yourself over all this!"

I took a few moments to think before I chuckled slightly. "You're right, you're totally right. I'm sorry for being so…such a pain in the ass." I smiled delightfully, Syrah smiled back. "You see what I mean when you listen to your big sister?" she said jokingly. "But Leena, you're a strong woman and I AM proud of you for having taken that trip with me. Things will get better if we let them. If Max were going through some problem wouldn't you be saying the same things to her?"

"Yes, speaking of which…", I glanced around for her. "Ah, outside." Syrah pointed. Sure enough she was out in the fresh snow, busily building a snowman. A simple childhood pleasure that I remembered from my own days when I was her age. I slid my overcoat back on. "You heading out?" she asked. "Aren't you going to come with me?" I asked. She shook her head. "Maybe later…".

It was so edifying to watch Max playing innocently in the snow. "At least one of us can be happy around here" I thought to myself. I quietly exited the greenhouse, being careful not to make any noise. She simply didn't know that I was back yet.

Smiling, I snuck up behind her. I placed my hands over her eyes, "Peek a Boo!" My precious ray of sunshine turned around, instantly lighting up in surprise at the return of her "big sister". She clinged to me like a magnet, knocking me off my feet. We both shared a laugh as we collapsed together into the powdery snow. "You're home!" she signed.

"Were you worried Syrah and I wouldn't come home?" I teased. She clapped joyfully, her wide mouthed toothy grin being enough to even make me melt. "Where is she?" she signed. "Inside the house trying to stay warm, I think she still might be in the greenhouse. I glanced over but she was gone. "Maine…Maine…tell me about Maine!" she signed feverishly.

Like any child her age her mind was always quick to shift gears. I got back on my feet, taking her hand to help her up. "It's pretty…but of course it's not as pretty as mommy's little angel." I signed back. Obviously she took "mommy" to mean Kate and not myself. "I lost a tooth the other day, see?" she opened her mouth revealing that she had lost one of her middle teeth. "I've got all mine!" I stuck my tongue out at her in playful mockery.

"Oh yeah!" she mouthed. With that she picked up a large snowball and threw it all me. I let out a shriek as it struck the back of my coat. "Oh no, not now, Max." She pointed to her handiwork. "Then help me work on the snowman!" She was so excited to have me back again. It was another one of those surreal moments that I had a tendency to experience at random points in my life. I took a look at her innocent little creation.

The little snowman was no more than three feet tall, with two black rocks for eyes and another for the nose. "Do you have any more rocks?" I asked of my angel. She pointed to a little yellow plastic bucket lying a few feet to the side. "Bring them over then, sweetheart. Mr. Snowman has no mouth."

"It's Mrs. Snowman" Max corrected. She placed the bucket at the front. I picked up a few of the dirty black stones which she must have found in the driveway. "Now we want our Mrs. Snowman to be happy, don't we Max?" My new daughter nodded sweetly. "Alright, let's give her a big smile then, shall we?" I reveled in the temporary satisfaction I was receiving, just getting another chance to bond with Max, who had so quickly became a part of the center of my world.

We stuck the stones into the "snow woman", forming a large smile. "It looks wonderful" I complimented. Max took a great delight in her play time. She suddenly began to squint at something behind me. I turned around and stared off into the distance. I caught sight of Daniel's tree house. I could clearly see the little fucker staring down at us, maybe no further then 50 meters away. Being cocky, I smiled and waved at him mischievously. His head instantly disappeared away from the makeshift window. "Yeah, you're awfully glad to see me, aren't you now, you little shit head?" I said in my native tongue.

Max pulled at me, vying some more for my affectionate attention. "Come inside with me, Esther. My brother will be mean to you." How thoughtful of her to try and protect me. "Oh, don't you worry about a thing now, you hear? Your brother doesn't bother me." Max's facial expression changed. She could tell I was lying. "But he doesn't like you."

"Max, nothing is going to happen. Don't get so worked up over it. If anything happens I'll tell mommy and daddy. Now seriously, Max." I didn't want to drag the poor thing into my own problems with Daniel. I knew he had a very serious problem with me having returned home. It was clear to see that he was as disgusted with Syrah and I as I felt about him. Oh, when the day would come when I hoped to finish him off. I was curious as to what he was doing exactly, staring me down so coldly.

"Max, I think I'm going to take a little stroll in to the woods. Why don't you go run on inside and play with Syrah, hmm? She really wants to see you, honest. I'll be back in just a little bit." Max looked frightened. "But…but, Daniel told me when you left that he hoped you would stay away." Her little mind was trying to formulate anything to keep her brother and I separated. "Max, PLEASE, don't worry. He isn't going to hurt either of us." Max was besides herself for a moment. "Let me go with you!" she begged "I just want to have a talk with him, that's all, little one."

She had given up trying to convince me to stay away from him. Finally, she hung her shoulders low, knowing she could do nothing to convince me to stay away. I felt sad for her but I wanted to truly test Daniel's buttons. Ever since he disrespected Syrah I had been itching to do so.

"Okay, then. I'll go inside." Slowly she turned and headed off. I watched Max lazily lumber through the snow, clearly disappointed that play time had ended so soon. But there would be countless other opportunities for us to bond. Right now though, I wanted to rattle the cage a little bit and see what the hell Daniel was up to. Not that I wanted to be near the bastard, I just wanted to show him I could be intimidating as well. Two could play at that game!

I pretended not to notice the tree house as I meandered my way closer. Slowly but insistently, I edged closer, making sure not to make any eye contact. I put my hands behind my back and gently kicked at the snow, acting like I was minding my own business. "Not a care in the world!" I shouted sarcastically. I wanted Daniel to hear me, to believe that I was some poor, defenseless little waif. That was until he would decide to confront me.

I hummed that idiotic song, "The Glory of Love", how innocent it must have sounded to his ears. Yet I'm sure the mere sound of my voice gave him a splitting headache at the same time. I made it within feet of the base of the tree where Daniel was hiding himself away. He could only be up there for one reason and that was strictly to avoid Syrah and I. What an ignorant fool if he thought he could avoid me forever. If he wanted to hang himself now it would have been a good idea.

I began circling the tree house. I felt like a lone wolf relentlessly stalking it's prey, "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel" I said in my deep accent. "I think I need to sit down and rest" I said aloud. I could hear walking in the tree house, perhaps 20 or so feet above me. I knew he was growing restless by my sudden intrusion. "Oh, I hope I'm not disturbing anyone up there but this is such a lovely place to have a rest. You couldn't have picked a better place to have built your tree house"

Finally, he snapped. "GO AWAY!" he yelled in a fit of anger. "Oh, that's no way to treat your little sister. Can't she just sit here for awhile?" Now I could give myself a chuckle. Tormenting others always lifted my spirits out from the darkest of depths. I knew how to feed off of my enemies pain, much like a tick sucks blood out of it's victims. "I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" But there was no satisfying my appetite to torture this little moron, this pathetic little excuse for a "brother".

I teased him some more. "Well if you don't want me sitting down here then how about I come up there and make myself a little more comfortable?" With that being said I lifted myself up, brushing off the dirt from my coat. "I wonder if I can climb up there wearing snow boots?" I questioned sarcastically. "Well, only one way to find out." I grabbed onto the first wooden rung and pulled myself up.

After making my way up a few feet I heard the entrance door on the bottom open wide. Daniel banged it furiously onto the wooden floor. He stuck his head out of the entrance, his face was beet red with adolescent anger. "I'm telling mom and dad you were up here!" he screeched some more. "You can tell whoever you want. I'm just trying to make myself at home. Why don't you give me the grand tour up there?"

"How about I shove my foot up your ass!" he threatened. "Oh, is puberty hitting someone a little hard?" I said with even more of the utmost sarcasm. "You're not even allowed up here!" I climbed yet another rung, holding on tight. "LEAVE! "! His words only fell on deaf ears. Suddenly and without warning I was hit hard in the shoulder by something heavy. I lost my footing and fell a good six feet down onto the snow below accompanied by a menacing laugh from the little bastard.

I fixed the blue bow in my hair and stood back up, absolutely furious as to what had struck my shoulder. Lying in the snow was a large flashlight that he had hurled at me, it was kind of like the long, black ones that police officers use. I put a hand on my now aching shoulder. If he wanted to play hardball than he was going to get his wish!

Each passing second only filled me with more rage, heart beating faster, sweat caressing my brow. It was on!. "Alright, smartass! If you're so damn tough then get your ass down here and prove it!" I threatened, pointing to the ground in front of me. Daniel's facial expression was frozen for a moment. He simply didn't know how to react to my threat. Would he ever even consider such a thing coming from whom he thought was a nine year old girl?

"Either you come down or I'm coming up to kick your ass myself!" I shouted. He became more defensive. "I'm not scared of you or your sister!" I could only smirk at his remark. He then shot the middle finger at me. "Okay, if you want it that way. I'm coming down!" he said in triumph. It was as if he had already decided he was going to teach me a lesson. He truly must've thought he had more balls than brains.

Daniel quickly descended from his private little abode. His feet plopped down with a splat onto the slushy mud. He raised his arms up by his sides in disgust. "These are my good shoes!" he exclaimed. "Oh, come now, don't start crying on me already!" I began to circle him, my mouth slightly open, a sly smile creeping across my face. He kept turning his head to follow my movements. I was the vulture circling her prey. "You know that I don't like you very much" he said.

"Oh, believe me, the feeling is mutual. And what exactly is a little cunt like you going to do about it?" I antagonized. "Or maybe you're a baby dick instead!" I laughed. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO!" In his rage he lunged towards me with all his might and pushed me back as hard as possible. I fell flat on my ass, completely unprepared for his sudden physical outburst. I growled angrily, my eyes turning dark and wide, my teeth snarling in a fit on unbridled rage, I stood up and charged him, now knocking him down.

"GET THE HELL OFF ME! MOM! MOMMMMM!" he shouted. "Shut the hell up already!" I demanded in a cruel, hoarse voice, sounding more like an adult than a child. With what must have been a sudden burst of adrenaline, Daniel suddenly threw a hard left punch and nailed me in the nose. I screamed out in pain and shock, placing my hands over my nose. I could feel the warm blood beginning to ooze forth. We struggled and screeched as he tried to push me off of him. "SON OF A BITCH!" I screamed. "I'll show an ignorant brat like you what I'm capable of".

The fresh blood smeared across my hand as I wiped my nose. The sight of my own blood made me boil! I scrambled to my feet, hastily picking up a nearby stick. With every fiber of my being feeling on fire I began to beat the boy mercilessly. I stood over him menacingly as I struck one clobbering blow after another. Now for the first time I could see true fear in his eyes. He emanated shear terror. Surely he knew he had bitten off way more than he could chew!

He backed away, still lying helplessly on the ground like some sort of injured animal. "I should put you out of your misery!" I threatened ominously. The sudden roar of a train's whistle off in the distance momentarily distracted my attention. My head turned away towards the house for only the briefest moment then WHAM! Daniel managed to strike me in the jaw, again knocking me flat to the ground. Only the fresh snow cushioned my fall. He knelt over me and began lifting me up by my coat. Over and over again he slammed me into the ground. My head bounced off of the frozen earth. His tears of frustration and humiliation watered his eyes.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" I heard John in the distance. Daniel released his grip. He immediately look stunned and terrified like a deer caught in headlights. His jaw dropped, he knew he was in deep shit. Ah, like a true prodigy I would play my card for all it was worth. After all, I am the master of taking the upper hand in situations like this.

"DADDY! DADDY!" I pleaded in tears. Oh, yeah! This was going to be so worth the fight! I watched John run up through the snow as I began to cry incessantly. Of course it was all just an act. My head was throbbing in pain as I watched Daniel back off from me as he tried to reason with his father. This was the first time I had ever seen John in a rage. "Ha, looks like I won this little battle after all" I thought victoriously.

John violently pulled the boy up by the arm. The resounding smack of John's hand against his son's face was like a peaceful melody. John looked at me in stunned bewilderment in nothing short of disbelief. The sight of my bleeding nose. The fact that such a thing could happen to his precious adopted daughter? His eyes grew wild and ravenous as he turned again, striking his son even harder. The pathetic creature let out a painful yell as he stumbled backwards.

"Dad! PLEASE! She started it! She hit me first, I swear on it!" he cried out in a whine. "No, daddy. He beat me up because I wanted to go into the tree house. I wasn't even doing anything to him" I explained innocently, pretending to whimper like the helpless little victim. John immediately took my side. John grabbed Daniel's shoulders and violently shook his crying son, smacking him across the face multiple times.

The boy's head shook back and forth like a bobble head as John shook him some more. "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" John pointed in my direction. "LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO YOUR LITTLE SISTER? LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" Even I felt startled by John's fit of rage. Smack! Smack! Smack! Daniel could do nothing but get a taste of his own medicine. His face was marred with angry red marks from John's handprints.

Suddenly two more figures appeared out of the corner of my eye. It was Kate and Syrah rushing to see what was going on. "What is this? John, WHAT IS THIS?" Kate screamed. "Do you have any idea what your son just did to Esther?" John roared. "Look at her! Just look at what he did!" John screeched. Syrah and Kate dropped to their knees to comfort me. Syrah pulled a tissue from out of her coat pocket and held my head back in an attempt to stop my nosebleed.

"Esther? Esther, honey, what happened here? Tell us! What did Daniel do to you?" I stayed silent as I lied in my sister's arms. Now it was Kate's turn to take her anger out on Daniel. Oh, what a pawn she was at that moment! I couldn't see because of my head being tilted back but I could hear Kate angrily striking her son. "How could you do this, huh? What the hell has gotten into you? Get the hell into the house RIGHT NOW! I tilted my head forward as John removed his belt.

"Kate, you keep Esther and Syrah company. Daniel here needs to learn a lesson in RESPECT FOR ESTHER!" Daniel cried incessantly as John dragged him away. John suddenly took off his belt, I knew for certain that Daniel was in for one hell of a whipping. "No, dad! Please don't do this. It's all Esther's fault! She started all this! She hit me too." he pleaded. "Yeah, right" said John as he dragged the boy towards the house. Daniel protested and pleaded the entire way. "I just hope Max doesn't have to witness any of this" I thought.

"I don't need this, I just don't need this kind of stress" Kate lamented. Both my sister and Kate were down on their knees attending to me. "Let me check you, Esther. Is your nose broke? Does it hurt?" Syrah kept the now bloody tissue to tight to my nose as she cradled my head in her lap. "No, no mommy." Syrah removed the tissue briefly as Kate touched the tip of my nose.

"Does this hurt?" she asked. I shook my head. "I think it's just a nose bleed, Kate. I can take her to the doctor if you want just to make sure of it." Kate was flushed. "That boy…that boy has no idea what he's in for." she said. "Esther, tell mommy what just happened." I knew she would believe me over her son any day. I played my Esther persona with the ease of a Broadway actress and what an opportune moment for me to sign.

I began to cry miserably, of course, this again being simply an act. I tried to work myself into near hysterics. Syrah, thinking I was displaying genuine emotion, held my head to hers. "It's okay, hon. You did nothing wrong" she whispered, giving me a gentle and reassuring kiss. "Daniel…all I asked was for him to let me in the tree house. He said no but I was stupid and tried to go up and then he came down and got angry." Kate was so caring and so tender yet even in that moment of feigned weakness I still despised her.

"And then what happened?" Syrah asked. "I told him I was going to tell mommy and daddy and he pushed me and then I said a bad word to him and it made him more mad, mommy. Then he hit me in the nose and on my jaw and got on top of me." I shut my eyes tight and heaved my shoulders, weeping bitterly my crocodile tears. I pretended to struggle as I spoke, my words broken between my tears." And then daddy came and you and Syrah and…" I completely broke down into a sobbing wreck.

Kate and Syrah could only wrap their arms around me. Oh, how I wanted to snicker at Kate for her gullibility. Syrah on the other hand was only doing what came naturally to her which was looking out for my well being. I didn't know whether I should reveal what really happened to her or keep it under wraps, hoping to keep the burden off of her shoulders. "Don't you worry, dear. Daniel's going to be punished for this. There's no excuse for what happened to you. None! I know this wasn't your fault." Kate assured me.

Yet there I was dancing around in my mind, knowing that I had deceived Kate yet again. Better yet, the fact that Daniel's ass would be sore for a week after getting the belt brought me a sense of calm. The fact that he was in pain brought to my spirit a sense of superiority. I looked towards the house as the two women continued to help me. I knew that I had trumped Daniel, now he would hate me more than ever! I liked that idea. That no matter what, John and Kate would ALWAYS take my side. Who were they to believe? Their puberty stricken brat of a son or the poor little orphan girl from Russia?

"You played your cards well today, Leena. You played them well!" I thought to myself wickedly. "And I'll be damned if I let the brat strike me again." Syrah and Kate began to help me up to my feet. "Come on, Esther. Stand up, there you go." Kate said. "The bleedings stopped." Syrah remarked. "I don't think your nose is broken." Kate breathed a sigh of relief. "As long as you're alright, Esther. That's all that matters. And I'll tell the both of you that boy is going to be grounded for weeks because of this." Oh, how difficult it felt to have to hold back my smile. To hold back my joy. "I'm heading back inside to have a word with him." Kate said with a hint of anger.

She quickly trudged off, following the path that John's footprints had left in the snow. Syrah wiped the remaining blood from off of my face. "You better head inside and wash off." I was about to take my leave before she stopped me in my tracks. "Now, Leena. What REALLY happened?" she asked. Oh, how I knew she was going to ask. I decided to sugarcoat my story a little bit if it would satisfy her almost motherly affections.

"I was walking out here with Max and she left for the house. Daniel started to taunt me and I tried to ignore him." I pointed at the flashlight that was still lying in the snow, "See that over there? He threw it at me and it nailed me in the damn shoulder." I rubbed the still sore muscle. "So I dared for him to come down and so he did. After that it was just one thing leading to another. He pushed me so I pushed back. And he nailed me right in the damn nose! You see what he did!" I exclaimed.

"Leena, you got to learn how to rise above things like what just happened. If he was taunting you then you walk away. I know you always try to stand up for yourself but come on, use your head next time, will you please?" I seen Kate off in the distance at the door to the greenhouse. She motioned for the two of us to come back inside. "I'll take your word for it" Syrah said. "Everywhere you go, Leena. Everywhere you go it seems there is someone who doesn't like you. Someone who doesn't get along with you."

"And it's really starting to piss me off." I lamented. "I'm angry at Daniel too over what just happened but calm down, honey. Calm down and go wash yourself up. Daniel is being punished for what he did so there's no more reason to fume over this, understand? John and Kate aren't mad at you and neither am I. Just calm down and take it easy. Daniel has disrespected me too but I've ignored him. Show some self control." I took my time, measuring my steps. I was still delirious from the blows I had taken.

"You keep telling me to take it easy but that's easy for you to say, Sy Sy. You don't have to go to school everyday and be taunted the whole day only to come home and take it some more." I knew what Syrah was thinking. Something that she had told me a million times before. That I had put myself in this situation and nobody else. I knew she was thinking it, she simply refused to throw anymore gasoline on the fire.

"I just hope Max is alright in all of this. That she didn't see or hear anything." I said. "She'll be fine. She probably wants to go play." Syrah said. We made our way back indoors. Kate looked solemn. She was dead serious about the severity of what just happened. I could hear John still admonishing his son. "You here me young man! You're going to apologize to both Esther AND Syrah for what you just did. And your ground for the entire month. You either apologize or I double it?" he warned.

"Why me?" I thought. "Honey, Esther and Syrah are here with me. In the greenhouse." Kate shouted. John, still flushed with anger appeared in the doorway. Daniel trudged along in total defeat, hanging his head low. "Look at them both" John commanded. "Say it!" Kate yelled.

"I'm sorry for fighting with you, Esther." That was not enough. "Louder so they can hear you! And look at them when you speak!" John barked. Slowly he raised his head. I could see he was without injury unlike myself. "I'm sorry for fighting with you, Esther."

"And who else do you apologize to?" Kate said. She was very demanding at this point. "And I'm sorry Syrah for hurting your sister." I could tell he had just got done getting one hell of a treatment with the belt. "Upstairs for the rest of the day. No video games, no magazines, no nothing. GO!" John pointed emphatically to the stairs. Daniel ran off as quick as his feet could carry him. I might have suffered some battle wounds but I was the sweet, sweet victor in the end. Ah, but that's just how this twisted girl likes it, it's either my way or no way at all!

"Esther, thank you for being truthful with mommy and I" John chided gently. I nodded sadly, trying to look as battered and defeated as possible. Anything to win a little bit of sympathy in my favor. He examined my nose before looking back at Kate. "It's not broken. There's no need to take her to the hospital." Kate said.

"Well, just to be on the safe side I'm going to take her in anyways." Syrah and Kate agreed feeling it better to do so. "Let her wash up first" Kate added. "Just give me a minute", I decided to use the downstairs bathroom as opposed to having to go upstairs and possibly confront Daniel once again. I closed the door softly behind me but I was still filled with so much strife that I simply wanted to tear it off it's hinges. I very gently wiped the blood from my nose, being ever so cautious not to smear my makeup. "Wish I had a damn baseball bat. I'd finish him off right now." I muttered.

But at least now Daniel knew he had a more powerful foe than he reckoned with. "If he does it again so help me God." I clenched and unclenched my fists. "Just shake it off, Leena. This kind of stress and I'll be in my grave before I know it." Putting the false smile on my face, the little living porcelain doll known as Esther had survived another day. But as always…trouble was never too far away

**In the next chapter, Leena finds out a hidden secret about John that Kate may be unaware of. But she also has to do deal with Brenda at the playground, after all, trouble always has a way of finding Esther…Happy New Year to all my readers, please comment, rate, and subscribe!**

**Author's Note - Most of you may be aware of a plan that I had in the works to write a real life narration of the Columbine High School massacre of 1999. But ever since the school shooting in Connecticut, and after some thought, I have decided at this time not to go ahead with that project. I felt it would be tasteless and disrespectful and probably offensive to many readers in light of what just happened in Connecticut. I made this decision out of respect for the victims, as I live only a few hours from where it happened,,,**

**Also, my New Years Resolution to the fans is to put out at least one chapter a month. I know the last chapter was published over two months ago and to me that is unacceptable. Leena's Escape is nowhere near complete but plan on receiving chapters in a more timely manner. At least once a month, preferably more. Happy 2013!**


	46. A Taste Of Bittersweet

**In the previous chapter, things came to an absolute boiling point as Esther and Daniel got into a violent altercation. But with the rest of the household being gullible as to what sparked it, Esther reveled in delight as Daniel took the full blame and punishment for the fight…a few days have passed, tensions have eased, and we find Esther, John and Max at the playground…**

I sat idly on the swing at the playground, not even a ten minute walk from the house. It was yet another depressing winter's day. The sun hung heavy underneath a thick blanket of clouds, only a hazy outline barely breaking through. A group of kids from school were chasing each other about in a spirited game of tag. "Look at all these little shit heads, running around like a bunch of damn chickens with their heads cut off" I cruelly thought. Everyone of them was a stark reminder of the innocence I had lost so many years before. Oh, how I almost envied them for the joy and happiness they were experiencing.

Max, on the hand, was the only one whom I held my affections for. I watched her with a warm smile as she energetically climbed the monkey bars. She was without a single care in the world. Max constantly reminded me of my own childhood, something that was such a deeply faded, distant memory. How I viewed her as the epitomy of youthful radiance. A radiance that had all but drained from my soul. She on the other hand was at the height of happiness, the apex of cheer and charming wonderment.

But I also held a sense of pity for her because much like myself at her age she seemed to have a difficult time with making any friends. This was made obvious by the fact that she was the only child playing alone. I dwelled on that idea for a moment, giving me all the more reason and justification as to why I needed to be her constant protector. After all, a mother can make the best friend for a little one such as herself.

I had almost forgot where I was in time and place as John suddenly gave a strong push on the swing. I startled wildly as I found myself high in the air. "No, daddy! Please!" I giggled. Daddy? I couldn't wait until the day I could drop that word! "Come on now? Don't you like the swing?" John asked. God, how I adored his smile! Truly, besides my father, there was never a more handsome man that I had laid eyes upon. I would have answered him if it wasn't for my arch nemesis making eye contact with me as she slid down the slide.

I could never seem to completely shake Brenda from my psyche. The mere sight of that insolent little brat filled me with a special kind of rage. The kind that made me want to rip her spinal cord out and beat her to death with it. No, I hadn't forgotten about our fight when she came to visit Daniel at the house. I STILL hadn't forgotten all of the nameless torments I had suffered so callously at her hands. I despised her and Daniel even more so than I despised Kate. At least Kate didn't go out of her way to make my life a living hell.

I stared at her blankly, ever so coldly. The look on her face spoke of how she may have really been feeling about me. How she may have really felt when she wasn't in the safety of teachers and friends. No longer in the confines of familiar surroundings. She appeared frightened and concerned, just how I liked it. Her mouth hung open slightly, her eyes never blinking as I continued to lock my icy gaze with hers. It was as if she were looking at a wild animal getting ready to attack. I cracked a sly, cocky smile. Yes, she wasn't so proud as a peacock anymore, now was she?

"That's right, little bitch. I can turn the tables on you whenever the hell I feel like it." I thought wretchedly. She quickly disappeared behind the giant wooden playhouse that housed the slide. I turned my gaze to the right as an unknown woman approached. John casually greeted her as the two shared a hug. "Joyce, great to see you!" John said.

"Joyce?" I said to myself. My attention was immediately drawn to her. "Joyce Patterson? The same one I read about in the diary?" I thought. The brown haired 30-something woman apparently had an affair with John some years earlier which was made evident in Kate's diary. I knew that I had to keep an eye on the bimbo as I was again left to my own devices. The two made subtle chit chat, both obviously taking great pleasure in each other's company. I sighed as I clinged to the chains on the swing. "All the women just love you, don't they John? They just want to eat you up?" I thought loathsomely.

Once again Brenda came into view as she made her way to the top of the slide yet for the second time. But now she didn't acknowledge me as she slid down onto a patch of snow, simply pretending that I didn't exist. Every terrible thought of what I wanted to do to her coursed through my brain like a never ending wave of toxic venom. I stood up casually, hastily making my way over to the playhouse that loomed high above me. It looked so dark and forlorn nestled against the bleak sky. I wasn't about to let Brenda walk away without getting another taste of my unending rage.

I wanted to stalk Brenda. I wanted to scare the hell out of her. I wanted to make a permanent and lasting impression on her young mind. You see, I was going to strike back at her at every chance I could get. She had stepped on a viper and it was time to strike yet again. That way she would truly knew who had the upper hand in our little rivalry. Something fierce was building within me as I approached. Something that I instinctively knew was beyond my capacity to control.

I climbed the steps into the playhouse as I kept my eyes peeled for Brenda. "SHIT!" I yelled shrilly as I slipped on the ice. Only the split second decision to grab onto the railing kept me from falling completely. I pulled myself to my feet in anger. "Where is she? Where is she?" I repeated. I gritted my teeth from side to side. The adrenaline rush was kicking in fast. I could scarcely get in another breath before two little brats ran past me, oblivious as to my dark intentions.

Then I saw her yet again standing on a landing a few feet above me. That ugly pink jacket she wore, it made her stick out like a sore thumb. I crouched down to stay out of view. I knew she would likely use the slide again so I hastened to get closer to her. "Move!" I grumbled as I forcefully pushed a boy out of my path. I made my way up another small flight of stairs up onto the second story of the structure. Ha! She didn't know that I closing in. She didn't know that she was cornered like a wounded mouse. If she were smart she would have never taken her eyes off of me.

I held my head up high and approached her with authority as she had her back towards me, standing directly in front of the slide. I could feel an incredible sense of pride and self-empowerment as I closed in. I took a deep breath of chilly air. The anger and resentment had once again built up inside of me like a pressure cooker. I glanced all around me one final time. Good, no witnesses!

I was now free to commit myself to the vengeance I wished to visit upon her. How I wished to inflict damage upon her very soul with my furious, unbridled hand of malice! Now it was time! With a defiant scream I ran towards my prey with every fiber of my being wanting to tear her limb from limb.

She turned her head but it was too late. With both hands I shoved her with all my strength. Brenda's scream pierced the air as she was launched from the platform like the load she was. I could here a crack as her ankle collided with the hard metal slide, breaking like a nimble twig. She collapsed on her side as she began to moan and cry in agony.

I looked down only to be surprised to see Max staring up at me in a state of utter shock. She seemed absolutely crestfallen. Had she witnessed what had happened? In the thrill of the moment I really didn't care. I quickly ducked away and retreated back to John, where I knew I would be safe. Yes, there was never a better time or place to make a complete joke of that foolish girl. I broke her like I broke Tiffany. Who can blame a cornered animal when it snaps back at it's abuser? I for one knew I was not in the wrong for my actions.

I darted down the stairs and came to a halt. Nonchalantly, and with yet again nobody seeming to be any the wiser as to what I had done, I returned to the swing set. By this time, Brenda's intense and agonized screams had brought the playground to a standstill. Everyone of the children had now gathered around Brenda. Everyone with the exception of Max so it seemed. I laughed underneath my breath. I was literally having the last laugh as the adults intervened and tried to get Brenda back on her feet.

"IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OWWWW!" she screamed as she tried to stand straight. She collapsed back onto the ground in a pathetic heap. This had gone better than I had expected, especially for something I had done purely on the spur of the moment. "Where's your parents?" Joyce shouted frantically. "Aren't they here? We need to get you to a doctor"

"No! NO! They're…AHHH…not here!" Brenda moaned. I was delighted when some of the boys began to laugh amongst themselves. Apparently they were as amused as I was about the spectacle playing out before me. "Wow! And I thought I was a drama queen!" I giggled as I listened to every cry that Brenda vocalized. It was truly a masterpiece to my ears! Like a brilliant musical work by Mozart or Tschaikovsky. I couldn't have played a better piece on Kate's piano if I tried. "Filthy swine!" I hissed.

Yet another chaotic event by yours truly. John came back to me. "What happened, daddy? Is Brenda going to be okay?" I pouted innocently. He pulled out his phone. "We need to get an ambulance. I think she broke her ankle." he explained frantically. I kept a cool head. I thought about what would happen if Brenda revealed that I was the one who had taught her how to fly. HA! No, I was too confidant in myself. I put the fear of God in her and I know there would be no taking that out of the pathetic little creature. I had blackened her name, darker than coal! Never had an enemy been so deserving of their punishment!

Four or five adults were now doing their best to comfort the poor girl. I knew if Syrah were here she would be doing much of the same. Brenda's face was etched and contorted with pain. I stood up and casually approached the crowd. Her ankle was completely twisted. The broken ankle bone caused the skin around it to protrude slightly. This obviously made the more squeamish in the crowd want to look away. But I don't feel I need to repeat how the sight made me felt. No, I would not be the villain in all of this. "Where's Max? Max? Where are you?" I called out.

Now it was wearing on my mind that she had in fact seen the whole incident play out. Perhaps she was the only one who knew what had happened, besides Brenda herself, of course. The crowd had grown to perhaps 30 people but I was quick to spot Max's curly hair moving listlessly through the mass of other children. I pushed my way through until I finally reached her. "Max?", her eyes were like saucers as she caught sight of me. My heart became heavy as she backed away from my presence, a hint of fear tainting her own eyes.

I tried moving closer but she only backed away further. I knew exactly what was on her worried mind. "Max…I swear I didn't do it" I whispered in my defense. I tried to stay as quiet as possible or someone else overhear my words. But her eyes which had only a short while earlier been filled with light and life were now clouded with suspicion. "I saw you, Esther. You pushed her off. Why did you do that?" she signed vigorously. I thought back to the time when I killed the bird in front of her. About how guilty I felt in the days afterward for exposing her to such violence. Now here I was finding myself in the same kind of position yet again.

There seemed no lie in which I could concoct to convince Max otherwise. "Didn't do it" was all I could say, Max being able to read my lips. But I was quick to gather about my wit. "I was only behind her, I was waiting to go down the slide and she must've slipped. That's what happened, Max. Please don't think it was something else. I didn't do it!" I pleaded. Yet Max was impressionable as any child of her age is. "You promise?" she asked. I carefully approached her, my features becoming soft. "I promise. She's going to be alright" I assured her, placing a gentle hand on her rosy cheek.

I knew what she must have been thinking. The fight when she came to visit Daniel, the fact that she knew Brenda was making my life hell at school day in and day out. I put an arm around her shoulder, hoping she would buy into my little white lie. But she was more clever for her age than I gave her credit for. She knew what REALLY happened and I was immediately forced to accept this. It was an uneasy moment, tense and awkward. I had made yet another bad impression on her. My heart sank again. The joy I felt for harming Brenda was now giving way to a soul squeezing disappointment.

"So foolish! You had to do this in front of Max? NOW what if she decides to tell?" I thought helplessly. Everyone turned their attention to the sounds of an ambulance as it approached. I watched John and Joyce as they continued to attend to Brenda. Perhaps I should have saved my attack for some other time and place. But it was too late to sulk about that now. The deed was done. But my shock returned to Brenda. I suddenly had a change of heart about whether or not she would speak the truth. Surely she would rat me out and I would be the one hung out to dry. I was all for certain that I had acted too rashly in my conduct.

"We're over here" shouted John as the paramedics readied a stretcher. "Think before I act. Syrah always says this, why the hell can't I just listen for a change?" I lamented terribly in my native Estonian, stomping my foot in frustration. The fact that my act could backfire…this made me despise Brenda with an even greater hatred. I squinted viciously at her as she was carefully loaded onto the stretcher, two paramedics taking over from where John and Joyce had left off.

Max had once again retreated into the throng of the crowd. I had to get myself away from all of this madness. I made haste back to the swing set. I tried to close my eyes and make what had happened go away. Oh, of course I need not say I felt no pity for Brenda. But even if Max were to stay quiet, of which I had full confidence in, that I knew I would likely be grilled later on for what had happened. I wondered if my charm would once again keep my out of the flames for what was surely coming my way?

"You had to give in to the moment, didn't you, Leena? Have you no more common sense than a rock?" I lashed out at myself. "That insolent little brat isn't going to let you get away with this. Can't tell Syrah. I can't tell her or she'll only get angry. If I'm accused I'll deny it up and down. Not Kate, not John, they don't see a hint of despondency in my character. It's flawless to them. Come on, cheer yourself up. Remember, you must play the part of the poor innocent victim if this comes to light" I told myself.

I cupped my hands over my mouth as I glanced up into the sky. Even those dismal, gray clouds seemed to mock me as if they themselves had bore witness to my wicked transgression. I could at least try to take some measure of self-satisfaction in having defended my pride. "The little bitch…the little bitch should consider herself lucky. In far less pain is she than all of the pain she has put me through!" I said aloud. The day was becoming ever more bittersweet.

I paced aimlessly around the swing set as I watched the ambulance that was carrying Brenda drive off. Slowly, the children milled around, returning to their previous activities as the reality of what happened sank in. The white snow was as cold as my rage against that girl. I thought about how I would dispatch of her had I been given the chance. Wouldn't it not have been better if she broke her neck rather than her ankle? HA! The dead can never speak in their own defense, after all.

Brenda was luckier than she thought on that day. Being attacked yet again by Leena Klammer was something that I was hoping would stay with her for a long, long time to come. I was now resolved to be the one who took the glory from this day. I could only watch Max from a distance, she still seemed stunned, my admission of innocence doing little to sway the way she felt. She folded her hands neatly behind her back, kicking at the snow as she walked slowly along the edge of the playground, where the asphalt met the snowy grass. Her mind must have been a mess thinking about what she just witnessed.

I turned my attention to John who was walking alongside Joyce, a shoulder draped over her shoulder. It was obvious that she was shaken up by the incident. I tried to pretend as if I were paying no heed to either of them, only glancing at them momentarily as I sat back down on the swing set. I bit my lower lip as the two walked slowly along. As the minutes passed it seemed both John and Joyce had calmed down over Brenda's injury. I realized that John's arm over her shoulder was none other than a sign of a romantic gesture.

"You cheating vulture!" I mumbled. Oh, I knew from Kate's diary about his wayward mannerisms. As I said earlier, he had been with Joyce in the past from what I had gathered and he obviously didn't learn his lesson when Kate had caught him some years prior. Come on now, I'm no idiot! You don't think an adult woman such as myself couldn't immediately catch on to what I was seeing? Sometimes being trapped as Esther has it's advantages, I am able to hone in on things that no other person would think "Esther" is capable of…and this was one of them.

"I know you're flirting, John. Your Leena isn't stupiddddd!" I said melodically. They were walking slowly yet surely out of the line of sight of the kids. Being closest to them than everybody else, I watched in horror as the two kissed briefly on the lips. They obviously had no inkling that I was even sitting there watching this! "You son of a BITCH!" I hissed in a burning anger. I felt more anger towards John than Joyce. I had already claimed him as my own, after all.

The two held hands, assuming they were far enough away to garner some privacy. What a stupid mistake on his part! "If he'll go behind Kate's back and pull this shit what makes me think he won't do the same thing to me?" I clenched my jaw, I wanted to teach both John and Joyce as much of a lesson as I had taught to Brenda. My mind went sour as the two shared yet another, more prolonged kiss. I couldn't quite understand why Kate had decided to take him back. Maybe because a dog like her can't find anyone better, who knows.

I shook my head in bitter resentment, glowering at MY future husband showering his affection on a woman whom I had never even laid eyes on before today. Why was she still pursuing him? For a second I wanted to blame Kate for all of this. Maybe she just wasn't good enough for her husband and that such an explanation was the true reason for John's cheating ways.. But I still couldn't shake off the glaring reality that was laid out before me. The incident with Brenda was moving farther and farther into the background of my mind. So much bullshit! This was becoming too much for my fragile little soul to handle for one day!

"This is your definition of being faithful, John?" The sight of the two of them laughing and sharing one another's company wanted me to pull every strand of hair out of my head. The WHOLE reason for being here with the Colemans was to hopefully find a man who I would consider to be forever loyal and faithful to me. The diary entries that Kate had made were unsettling enough but to see John's sneaky infidelity, so plainly for my eyes to see, I could almost feel the vomit welling up from the pit of my stomach. "And to think that he pulls this off in broad daylight? You're breaking my heart, John!" I said emotionally.

Then the memories of John's advances on Syrah came back in my mind. "Heaven forbid, John…if you dare touch my sister. God help you!" I couldn't even bring myself to think of what may have already happened between him and Syrah. I felt so isolated and alone thinking that he would do anything that may hurt me. I had fantasized so many times of what it would be like to walk down the aisle with him, to say those cherished words "til' death do us part". Apparently his sacred vows with Kate meant little to him. What better was I to fare?

I could have drowned the entire world with my tears. It tore me up inside to see him having any sort of intimacy with another woman. "You're not going to die alone, Leena. I'll win him over yet. I'll win him over yet if it's the life of me. Damn you, Joyce Patterson! Home wrecker!" I spat in her direction, the two love birds enjoying their sordid bliss. Joyce was now another enemy I could add to my seemingly endless list.

As I continued to boil, everything else on the playground seemed to have returned to normal as I thought of some way to craft John into the faithful, loving man that I knew he could be, for in him my comfort would live. I knew I could make him feel whole in a manner that a miserable drunk like Kate was obviously incapable of achieving. Yet I didn't know how to read John's mind. I could only guess at the true reasons for his infidelity. I cursed this day nearly above all others. "Damn you, John! Rip my heart out some more you merciless bastard! Crush it on the ground beneath your feet!"

As I wallowed in my own tormented despair, my attention was drawn to something black lying within the snow. I struggled for a moment to make out what I seeing. It was an iPhone. Confused, I fetched it only to realize it was none other than John's. I decided it wise to simply wait for him to return rather than risk running across them in some awkward lover's moment. But as is my hallmark, I found myself unable to keep from prying into his personal belongings.

Ah, yes, that is considered a terrible force of habit by most but for me it was simply another opportunity to dig up some more dirt. I began going through his phone, being extra careful not to arouse any unwanted attention. Two missed calls from Kate, the bitch couldn't let him go for five minutes with harassing him. I knew I had to be quick. I browsed through his contacts, sure enough the number simply listed as "JP" has to have been Joyce Patterson. Yet through contacts alone I was unable to extract much information.

"Let's see what we have in photos" I said as I opened the application. Many of the photos were benign yet touching enough. Max and myself playing, in fact there were plenty of keepsakes of us on his phone. Ugh, Daniel of course. But then I discovered the juicy little tidbit of proof that I would need to seal John's infidelity. Were my eyes deceiving me? No, not this time around! Joyce had sent no fewer than three separate photos of herself naked in the shower. I nearly dropped the phone! John had obviously NOT been clever enough to delete the photos or try to lock them out. This was something that truly brought my piss to a boil!

My heart ached as I realized that there was no further doubts about John and Joyce's relationship. If he were ever to leave Kate than surely he would leave for the arms of Joyce. I looked at the file dates for the photos, they were not even two weeks old. "So it's been going hot and heavy for awhile now, has it John?" I groaned heavily. John and Kate were on the rocks and had been for some time now, that was of course made perfectly clear with Kate's diary and the photos only confirmed that terrible suspicion.

But still, I couldn't drive John and Kate apart only to have my future lover stick to Joyce like a magnet. After all, she seemed wittier and more attractive than Kate and certainly much more attractive than myself. A kind of renaissance woman of sorts. The type that was all too dangerous for me to have to compete with. I felt the urge to damage John's relationship with both women simultaneously, but how could I go about this? The wheels in my mind began to turn incessantly once more.

The first thing to come to mind was back in Maine when I was living with the Sullivans. That evening when I took the bra and hid it in their bedroom only to cause a rift between Paul and Veronica. How I savored that day! But then I realized the weapon was right in my very hands! But unfortunately, I knew there was no way to drive a wedge between John and the two women in his life without causing some form of emotional harm to him in the process. But nonetheless, I had to make him the sacrificial lamb if I were to have any lasting effect.

The phone rang for a third time, causing me to immediately muffle it. "Damn it, stop calling!"…once again it was Kate. If I were going to drive John apart from Kate and Joyce at the same time than there was one simple way for me to go about it. I scrolled back through the photos, back to the lewd photos that Joyce had so eagerly sent to her secret lover…MY lover. And that one simple way was for me to send one of the photos "accidentally" to Kate. It would appear as if John had a slip of the finger and sent it to her by accident. HA! It sounded too crazy to ever work yet so dangerous at the same time.

I was only a tap away from sending the photo off to Kate's phone but I stopped myself for a moment's pause. "Think before I act…should I or shouldn't I…what the hell will happen if I do this?" My mind was drawing a blank, the suspense was almost unbearable. My conscious tried to talk myself out of it. I was raging angry at John but wanted to be protective of him and his privacy at the same time. My thumb was frozen. "Should I or shouldn't I…" I closed my eyes and bit my tongue…I knew that by doing this I would be putting John into some serious hot water. But shrew, little me. I knew this was a perfect opportunity…

My heart seemed to skip three or four beats as I tapped the screen. Off it now went to Kate's phone. John was close to turning around when I tossed the phone back into the snow where I had first found it. I knew I had just done something totally terrible to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Yet by doing so I hoped I could drain any poisonous intentions from his heart. To set some sense into him for the mutual benefit of both him and I. It was all too clear that I just stirred up a hornet's nest.

John and Joyce parted company as they approached. Joyce giving him a gentle wave. The contented look on John's face gave truth to the fact that he felt no shame in his affair with that woman. I knew that in mere moments Kate would explode into a sea of fury. "My poor John…I'm so sorry but this is only for your own good" I thought dismally. His look of happiness faded into concern. "Everything all right, sugarplum?" he asked. "It's just the weather. I've been waiting forever for a sunny day, daddy."

Max instinctively came back to her father. How fortunate was she not to have seen her father sharing those insidious affections with Joyce. In her hands was the little red volleyball that she had brought along. John began patting his pockets. "Where's my phone? Don't tell me I lost it again" Max caught site of the device and pointed it out to her father who was quick to retrieve it. Fortunate for me I had the sense to scroll back to the main screen before tossing it.

"And now we play the waiting game" I mumbled. "What?", John asked. "Nothing, daddy. It's getting awful cold, can we go home now? I'm feeling exhausted for the day" I asked, maintaining that false pretense of youthful innocence.

"We better anyways or your mother is going to have a fit" John explained. Yeah, she was going to be having a fit alright! Every second seemed like an eternity as the three of us made the walk back home. I knew what I just did may have very well been the straw that would break the camel's back. All the different scenarios began to play out in my mind as I tried my best to hide my emotions. Would Kate leave John? One could only hope. How would poor John defend himself against the damning evidence? I knew there was no way that could ever happen.

I watched as Max clutched onto her father's arm for warmth. I couldn't help but take John's other hand into mine. This really wasn't something that I wanted to do, it really wasn't. I would never want to do anything to intentionally harm the man, but at the same time he made his own bed and this was the only way I could think of driving him away from the two women in one clean shot. At least that was what I was hoping against hope would happen.

"What if he uses this as an excuse to leave Kate and simply be with Joyce?" That could be a fatal flaw in my plan that could prove disastrous if it were to happen. I thought of the idea of John taking Max away from me as well simply to go live with his lover. The thought of being left with Kate terrified me, I shuddered terribly at that notion. And of course, needless to say this wasn't going to be something I would be sharing with Syrah.

As we walked I knew that we were mere minutes away from the house as we walked the steep incline of the small mountain that we lived on. There was no telling what kind of hell would be unleashed once we walked through the door. I began to tremble, not from cold but out of a sudden burst of fear. John was awfully quiet even though there was a lasting smile on his face. Thoughts of Joyce were no doubt flooding his heart and mind. But now I would give him a taste of his own medicine, if only for his own good.

Max's eyes almost seemed to be glazed over. The poor little one, I hoped any pain I had caused her would disappear with a good old snowball fight or a game of hide and seek as she enjoyed playing constantly with Syrah and I. "We should really have driven down to the playground. This hill is so steep" John complained.

"You have far more important things to worry about than walking" I thought. The time had come to truly raise hell in the Coleman household. Without which I knew I would never accomplish my "life mission", as I prefer to call it. Our house suddenly came into view. Was Kate already is the midst of the worst tantrum of her life? Had she even bothered to pick up her phone when I sent the picture? I struggled to peer ahead looking for any signs that something was wrong.

I would expect Kate to come running down the driveway to let her husband have it or to be glowering menacingly out of one of the windows. But on the surface, everything seemed normal as usual. But again, only on the surface. Now my heart was really beginning to race. I felt such deep pity and sympathy for John. Would the entire household simply explode in a fit of rage? No, it was too early to predict anything. Every step closer seemed to take a superhuman amount of effort. It seemed to me as if I were walking John to his own execution.

Now we were on the driveway. My brain had all but seemed to shut off. It was as if it had become numb to deal with the drama that may lie ahead. Poor Max, poor John, poor Syrah…was it going to be too much for them to handle? What had I gotten myself and John into? What a burden on my shoulders to know what I might be the cause of. It was as if only divine intervention could save him now. Dear God, please help us all!…

**In the next chapter, does all hell break lose in the Coleman household? And why do the police suddenly show up at the residence? Is it Leena or John who will find themselves on the wrong end of the law? Keep reading…**

**Author's Note - Hi everyone! Again, I am doing my best to stick to my promise of one new chapter a month. I am hoping everyone is satisfied thus far and as always I am constantly seeking new avenues to enhance my abilities as a writer. After watching Shakespeare's play "Richard the Third" recently I figured I would try something a little different in this chapter and provide Leena with more polished, refined speech, whether or not you've noticed this. I view such things as positive improvements in my writing abilities. Keep reading…we're a LONG way off from the series finale :DDD**


	47. When Chaos Rules The Day

**In the last chapter, Esther finally got a measure of revenge against Brenda at the local park by pushing her off the swing and shattering the girl's ankle. But when Joyce Patterson begins flirting with John, Esther is soon shocked when she accidentally finds nude photos of the woman on John's phone. Enraged at "her man", she sends the photos to Kate's phone in an attempt to drive a wedge between John and Joyce…as well as Kate. We begin where the last chapter left off as John, Esther and Max made their way to the front door… I hung my shoulders low as we made our way up the driveway… **

**Written with the editorial assistance of Fan Fiction author "NoComparison"**

My eyes flicked to John, who held Max's hand in his, completely oblivious to what was about to befall him. I reached out, taking his other hand in mine. Looking down at me, he gave a small smile. It took everything in me to return the favour. The guilt was a prominent feeling in my soul.

'I'm sorry, John. I'm so sorry for what I'm about to put you through,' I thought miserably. Dare I even say I felt a hint of remorse for what I had just done. Would this be another time when my impulsive nature got the better of me? So often it seemed I would make decisions in the heat of the moment only to come to regret them when all was said and done. I couldn't help but wonder if this was another of those moments.

But the cat was out of the bag and there was nothing I could do to take back what was already unleashed. The thoughts going through my head were nearly enough to make me want to pass out as we took each foreboding step. Anxiety, excitement, fear, trepidation, even happiness…yes, I tried to pay no heed as to how I was feeling. I was keenly aware that what I was doing, and what was about to go down. would only be for my benefit.

Max peeked at me, her beautiful big eyes showing the confusion and fear she still felt after what happened with Brenda. That was another thing I was kicking myself over, doing that in front of my baby. Still, we had a lot more to worry about now than just that little bitch with the broken ankle.. A LOT more.

Finally, after what seemed like an endless eternity…John turned the doorknob. The door swung open with a creak. I stood in the porch, wiping snow from my shoes. This was all just a ploy to waste as much time as I could. I had begun to feel more and more nervous about what my actions could unleash. A gentle hand on my shoulder startled me out of my reverie and I looked up to see John smiling kindly at me.

''Ready to go in now, Esther? I'm sure mommy and Syrah will be happy to see us all home.'' He kept a light, teasing edge to his voice. 'Syrah might be happy to see us, but I'm sure Kate WON'T.' I thought to myself. Still, I gave John a nod, took Max's tiny hand and we walked inside. What else could I do?

There was nowhere for John to run. He might as well have been opening the gates of hell, my poor lover. I suddenly was forced to hold Max back, my hands tightly gripping her shoulders, as we were met with the inevitable. The dead silence of just a moment before was shattered by Kate's shrill, angry, nearly ear splitting screams of rage. It honestly sounded as though I had awaken a beast from the depths of hell.

A shiver ran up the base of my spine and I felt a breath hitch in my chest. 'Fucking hell,' I thought. Max tried to run ahead of me as we cautiously stepped inside, closing the door behind us. I kept a firm grip on her. "Max, MAX…wait!" I pleaded, dashing after her to grab her again. There was no way in high hell that I was going to let her see any of this. I darted after Max and into the kitchen where Kate was standing, like a bull ready to charge, her fists clenching and unclenching by her sides.

Max stood like a statue, her little body frozen in utter terror. The little one's exuberance had now turned to instant fear at the sight of her mother's unnatural behavior. John was frozen in position, completely flabbergasted as to what we were witnessing. Kate had already made quite the mess. Papers and broken glass lay scattered all about the kitchen. In the corner of the living room, a small antique desk had been tipped over. Kate was a living, breathing tornado, full of fury so it seemed.

Her eyes suddenly locked onto our position like two homing beams. Now the real fun was about to begin!

"YOU DIRTY PIG! YOU FILTHY SON OF A BITCH!" she screeched. I held Max closer to me, burying her face in my shoulder in my motherly attempt to protect her. The poor child let out a whimper as she gripped the fabric of my black coat, which I hadn't even bothered to remove since stepping inside the house. Her tiny hands clung to me like a lifeline.

"Don't look, this is not something you need to be seeing," I whispered into her ear. I stroked the back of her head gently, running my fingers through her curls. While I was doing this, I continued to listen intently to the argument that was happening before our very eyes.

Kate continued to scream from inside the kitchen. "I KNEW IT WAS STILL GOING ON! I KNEW ITTTTT! YOU LYING PIG!" I never knew she was capable of this kind of anger. She had seemed so quiet, so soft spoken. I knew from reading her journal that she had a dark side, yes, but this? It was a geinuine shock for me to experience this side to Kate. Yet yours truly has a way of triggering these kind of things!

As Kate raged, I scanned the area for Syrah. I caught glimpse of her curled up on the living room couch. Her body was trembling from head to toe and I could hear her mumbling to herself. My poor sister. I knew she must be as frightened as Max over this whole situtation. After all, Kate's rage surely brought back memories for her of how our biological parents used to fight when she was a toddler.

It took a few moments for John to free himself from the trance that seemed to have taken over his body and soul. He rushed over to his wife, no doubt totally confused. Max was shivering like a leaf as I moved closer, still clutching to the child. Now I had a true ringside seat to the action! The corners of my lips tugged upwards in a half smile, distorting the otherwise concerned look on my face. Could I help it if this sort of thing excited me?

"YOU FUCKED HER AGAIN? DIDN'T YOU?! DIDN'T YOU?!" Kate screamed accusingly, jabbing her finger in John's face. Her nostrils flared. She looked even more grotesque than usual and that's saying something.

"Kate, calm down! What is this? What are you talking about?" John attempted to reason but obviously to no avail. He covered his face with his arms defensively as his shrieking wife threw a drinking glass in his direction. It bounced off of him before shattering into pieces on the tiles. John staggered backwards, nearly falling over himself. Kate, teeth exposed, ready for battle, lunged towards her stunned husband.

"DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL? HUH? DO YOU? YOU BETTER ANSWER ME!" My ears were met with a torrent of obscenities as Kate tried to grab John by the neck. Her nails dug into his skin like a crab's claws as she throttled him.

"GET OFF ME!" John screamed, clutching onto the wall to keep from tumbling over. I knew that I had to get Max out of there. The look on her face was nothing short of petrified. Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. I grabbed her firmly by the hand and made haste with her in tow over to where Syrah was seated. I tapped her on the shoulder.

''Sy Sy?'' I asked gently so as not to frighten her any further. Syrah jumped, whipping round to face us. Her eyes travelled back and forth between my face back to Max's.

She gestured over towards John and Kate. "Why is Kate so upset…what is this all about? She's freaking out for no reason."

I pretended to be just as clueless as my sister. "Syrah, I don't know. Don't ask questions right now, PLEASE! Just take Max and get her upstairs. Get her away from here, damn it! Do it now! Just take her to her room or something. Get her out of here!" I begged.

Without another word, Syrah picked Max up and darted for the stairs at breakneck speed. Max was like a helpless, limp rag doll in my sister's arms, her tiny arms wrapped around Syrah's shoulders, body trembling in both fear and misery as she sobbed quietly to herself. It was a sight that truly broke my heart. I bit down hard on my bottom lip. Tears began to collect in the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision. How could I have done this to Max? How fucking STUPID was I? I wanted to kick myself for having exposed her to two violent altercations in one day.

But there was no time for that. I hid behind the couch knowing that Max would be safe with Syrah. It would be so wrong to expose MY daughter to this kind of chaos. I could never forgive myself if I traumatized her by letting her witness this fury of domestic violence.

My thoughts returned to the action as I slowly peeked my head over the edge of the couch. The adrenaline was rushing through my body like a powerful drug. I could hardly believe my own eyes as everything continued to unfold before me. CRACK! Kate slapped John clear across the face.

His head reeled and when she removed her hand I could see the angry red print marring his face. "Come on John, you don't have to take her shit, break her jaw!" I said to myself. Another resounding strike distracted me from these violent thoughts. Kate was now raining slap after slap down upon her husband. All John could do was try to hold her off.

Kate began swinging wildly, violently punching her husband's arms, the only thing shielding him from the clubbing blows. Her hair seemed to fly in every direction as she landed one blow after another.

"JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS!" he pleaded. "DON'T…PLAY…DUMB WITH ME!" she retorted. She sounded like a woman possessed. Kate grabbed her iPhone and hurled it at him. It felt to the floor at his feet. John looked at it in a daze, his lips parted slightly.

Kate cracked him across the face yet again. "DID YOU TAKE THOSE PHOTOS? THAT HOMEWRECKER…THAT DAMN JOYCE PATTERSON! WHAT ELSE WERE YOU DOING WITH HER IN THE SHOWER?!" Her voice rose several octaves. She was so loud in her screaming that there was no doubt Syrah and Max would be able to hear. 'At least Max doesn't have to witness this firsthand,' I tried to reason with myself.

John picked up the phone and squinted at it in confusion only to have Kate snatch it forcefully from his grasp. "OKAY, SINCE YOU WANT TO PLAY STUPID…" She began browsing through her phone before obviously coming across the illicit photos I had sent to her. She angrily shoved the phone in John's face. "THERE! IS IT CRYSTAL CLEAR NOW? IS IT ALL COMING BACK TO YOU?"

John became as white as a ghost. It was the end of the line for him. His bottom lip quivered as he desperately tried to bid for an explanation. No words would come to him though and what could he possibly say that would placate Kate's ever growing temper?

"WELL?" Kate hissed. Her husband remained silent. Kate suddenly closed her fist and knocked on the side of his head. "Hello? STUPID! I'M TALKING TO YOU! IS ANYONE HOME?" John cried out in pain.

"They're not mine!" He shouted, a pleading tone evident in his voice. He was met by her fist once again connecting with the side of his head, causing him to cry out in pain and shock.

Kate scoffed, arching an eyebrow. "Oh, REALLY? Then why were they sent from YOUR damn phone? You pressed the wrong button apparently. You're even dumber than you look!" Now John was really up the river without a paddle. There was no argument or excuse in the world that was going to save him now. He was buckling under the pressure.

"DON'T LIE TO ME! DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME! These pictures are recent! You were over there, weren't you?" she accused. ''You fucked that whore in the shower, didn't you? Wanted to make some FUCKING memories for yourself so you took these photos. TELL ME!'' Kate shrieked, spittle flying from her mouth.

"Joyce sent them to me, okay! I didn't take those photos, I swear to God. Please Kate, I haven't done ANYTHING with her. I swear on my life." My poor John let out a half sob, reaching out to clutch Kate's hand. She brushed him away and narrowed her eyes into two cat-like slits. ''Please, Kate!'' John pleaded again.

Kate rolled her eyes, laughing sarcastically. "YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN GARBAGE! WHY THE HELL DID I EVER MARRY YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Now there seemed to be a great deal of hurt in her voice. Good. I'm fucking glad she was hurting.. She deserved it. Besides, what Kate was going through was NOTHING compared to what I have suffered.

"You don't care WHO you hurt, do you? We had two children together. Now we have Esther. And you think it's okay to sneak behind my back and BETRAY ME!" Kate viciously tore at her finger, pulling off her wedding ring. She tossed it at John. "GO AHEAD! GIVE IT TO JOYCE! SHE'S NOT MARRIED! GO AHEAD AND LEAVE!" A sob finally managed to claw its way out of her chest. ''Just leave, John. Leave.'' She whispered brokenly.

John reached out to his wife yet again. ''Kate, please. Let's sit down and talk about this. Please, PLEASE listen to me.'' He begged of her.

Kate was having none of it. Her closed fist found its target in John's lower jaw and he once again yelled in pain. ''Do you think I'm some goddamn fool, John Coleman?'' She asked, her voice low and dangerous.

He cried out in his own defense. "I'm telling the truth, I haven't done anything wrong, Kate. I should've deleted those photos but for God's sake just listen to me. When was the last time I cheated on you? It's been years and you still think I haven't changed? My heart belongs to you not her!"

''No, John. Your heart belongs to ME. I'll make sure of that.'' I muttered quietly under my breath. Once again, Kate began to lash out violently at her husband. His arms instinctively went up to cover his face as she clawed at him with her nails. I remained as still and silent as possible, obviously not wanting to be seen.

Try as John might, Kate wasn't buying any of his pleas or excuses. "If that were true then you would have DELETED those damn photos. BUT NO! You took these photos so don't even TRY to hide the fact!"

Kate attempted to walk away but John grabbed a hold of her wrist and pulled her towards him, looking at her with wide, beseeching eyes. She began to struggle like a wild animal, twisting this way and that. "LET GO OF ME, DAMN YOU!"

John remained steadfast. "Not until you calm down! Just calm down already!" His grip on her wrist tightened to the point where I was sure it must have been quite painful for Kate to struggle against him.

"I SAID LET GO!" With those angst-filled words, Kate grabbed a terracotta flower pot sitting above the sink and smashed it full force over John's head. John let out a loud, stunned, pain-filled cry as he fell flat on the floor, the shards of sharp ceramic falling all around him.

He was so loud that I jumped in fear but I managed to remain hidden nonetheless. My heart beat frantically in my chest like a hammer against cloth. Pressing a closed fist to my mouth, I peered round the corner to where John now lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.

I watched in horror as he continued screaming. The blood poured from his forehead which was now deeply gashed open. The gore seemed to form a crimson mask that covered his face. Kate loomed over him, her entire body shaking in rage. Her chest heaved up and down as she breathed hard. He screamed out in terror. "YOU BITCH! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" Kate couldn't quite believe what she had just done to her husband.

"I…I…I…" she was at a loss for words. Her mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. She closed her eyes tight and shook her head, as if by doing so she could erase what she had done.

In my own opinion, I doubt she could believe what had just happened. It was clear that she didn't realize she was capable of such violence. I gritted my teeth. 'Holy shit! John, get up already. Fight back, you fool!' I was itching to see him give Kate the beating she surely deserved for such a violent attack. But alas, John was in no position to do anything but cower on the floor at her feet.

I wished I could run up to him and "save the day" so to speak. John squirmed away into the dining room, crawling like a wounded animal. "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND YOU'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT" Kate yelled after him. "You need to change your name to HOMEWRECKER!"

It had become clear to me that Kate was much more formidable than I had thought. She exuded so much raw power and energy, so much control and dominance over her own husband. I knew I would be forced to rethink my approach when it came to her. She was not a woman who would go down easy or without a fight.

John was now out of my line of sight but I could still clearly hear his miserable moans. 'Somebody save that poor man,' I thought, ever so melancholic. But on another level I was teaching John a painful lesson. It would be best, after all, to rid him of his unfaithfulness BEFORE he would ever be with me. In some sick way I felt as if I were doing him a much needed favor. What Kate Coleman was capable of was NOTHING compared to what I, Leena Klammer, could do to those who betrayed me.

'Better for this to happen to John than for him to betray me and suffer an even greater price.' I told myself. John's cries and moans intensified and I heard Kate thundering across the kitchen, screaming obscenities.

Kate quickly disappeared into the dining room. John's cries grew louder as I heard more struggling ensue. I didn't dare move a muscle. "Just leave me alone, Kate. Just leave me alone!" I heard a chair fall over as the drama continued. Kate's screams grew louder and louder by the minute.

Now was my opportunity to make my retreat. My legs began to shake as I pulled myself up. I gripped the back of the sofa as I swayed back and forth. There were pins and needles in my legs from having been in the one position for so long. I could barely move. But with all the strength I could muster, I dashed across the living room and flew up the stairs like a bolt of lightning. Heaven forbid if I were to be sighted now!

I was running only on the pure adrenaline of the moment, numb, scared and ecstatic all at the same time. The plan I had set in motion seemed to go off perfectly. Had I driven the wedge between John and Kate? Well, need I really answer that question?

I made my retreat and stormed into Syrah's room. She was on the phone as she sat on the edge of her bed. The phone shook in her unsteady hand as she spoke, her voice high pitched and frantic. "Yes…yes, listen just send the police RIGHT AWAY! She's beating the hell out of her husband and I don't know why." Syrah explained frantically. The officer on the other end said something I couldn't quite make out. Syrah took a sharp intake of breath. "Okay, please hurry. It's already way out of hand."

Syrah got off her phone, tossing it on the bed, her eyes darting to and fro. "Where's Max?" I demanded.

Her voice remained frantic. "She's in her room. I called the police and they're sending officers out. What is going ON down there? I mean…WHY?" Syrah grew quiet as the screams and cries emanated from downstairs. ''Why?'' She asked again, more to herself than me.

Of course, let's be perfectly clear, I wasn't going to tell my sister the whole truth. I only told her what I felt she needed to know. "I was hiding behind the couch so I got to hear everything," I explained.

"AND?…" Syrah reached out to grip my hands in hers. I sighed.

"Remember when I told you about what I read in Kate's diary, that Joyce Patterson woman? The woman who John had an affair with? Seems Joyce sent John some dirty pictures of herself and I guess John sent them to Kate's phone by accident. That's what this is all about."

Syrah let out a shaky laugh. "You've got to be kidding me? All I was doing was reading a book on the couch and Kate started to flip. She began tipping things over, I didn't dare say anything to her, I just sat there and hoped you and John would get home."

Syrah and I stopped as we heard the screaming and shouting still emanating from downstairs. "She didn't hurt you, did she Sy Sy?" She shook her head. "Because I swear to God if she were to have laid her hands on you…" I trailed off briefly as my mind became focused on the police. "And you said the police are on their way?" I bit down on my lip. I could feel a huge knot begin to form in the core of my stomach.

If there was one thing on this earth that I truly feared it was law enforcement. The very people I feared would haul me back kicking and screaming to the Saarne Institute. Even all the way across the ocean I could never shake that fear. "Son of a bitch!" I said, kicking the edge of the bed in frustration.

"Just don't worry. I HAD to call them, God forbid should they kill each other." Syrah assured me, placing a gentle hand upon my shoulder, the other hand balled up into a fist. The worry remained etched upon her face.

"She hit John with a flowerpot, he's bleeding all over the place down there." My words caused Syrah to bury her head in her hands. The poor woman continued to tremble out of fear.

"God, this means Kate is going to jail," she lamented miserably. I gave her a long, deep hug, resting my head upon her shoulder.

"Come on, Syrah, this isn't any of our fault. You did the right thing." Ah, once again how the truth stayed squirreled away within my mind.

We jumped at the sound of yet more breaking glass. Syrah suddenly lept to her feet. "I've…I've got to stop this madness!" She ran past me in a panic, heading downstairs.

"Syrah! What the hell are you doing? NO! NO, STAY OUT OF IT! DON'T DO THIS, SYRAH, NO!" I shouted. I hurried behind her in a desperate attempt to get her attention but she disappeared into the dining room before I even made it to the top of the stairs. "OH, NOOOO!" I cried, my eyes becoming moist with bitter tears. I don't think my feet touched a single step as I chased after her. I couldn't let her get involved…but to my horror it was too late.

Kate was lying over top of her husband, spitting in his face and demeaning him with every manner of foul language. I watched in terror as Syrah attempted to pull Kate from off of John. Her arms were wrapped tightly around Kate's torso as she pleaded with her. "KATE! KATE! PLEASE STOP! KATE! PLEASE!" Syrah struggled with the enraged woman before finally managing to pry her off of his bruised and battered body. John struggled to sit up, his hair matted down with fresh blood, his entire face covered in it. He looked like he had just gotten out of a boxing match.

"Daddy! Daddy!" I screamed in horror. He looked like some sort of monster. He couldn't bear to stand up as I rushed to his side. I grabbed his arm and draped it around my shoulders, using all the strength in my small little body to get him back on his feet. Indeed, this had gone WAY beyond what I expected to happen.

I peered into John's eyes, one of which was becoming more and more swollen and puffy with each passing second. A tear fell from my eye and onto the floor. My poor man. "Est…Esther.." he whispered hoarsely. Kate grabbed onto one of the dining room chairs and pulled herself up on one knee before standing up completely.

Syrah took a few steps back, not wanting to get involved any further. Kate angrily pointed to the stairs, "Go to your room!" she barked at me. I looked at her face, which was red with anger, before turning to face John. The man could barely stay up under his own power. I truly didn't mean to take it this far.

Silently, slowly, I turned and walked away. But I was quickly stopped dead in my tracks by the incessant pounding on the front door. All heads immediately turned to the sharp male voice coming from outside. "Police Department…open up!"

Syrah and I were the only two who knew they were on their way. I ran into the living room with my sister following close behind. From a distance, Kate seemed absolutely bewildered. Once again, the knocking continued. The man's voice grew louder and more stern. "This is the Police Department…either open up or we will enter by force!"

Syrah and I cowered on the couch where I had been hiding only a short while earlier. Kate's demeanor took on a look of fear. She began to back away as if hoping to somehow make herself invisible.

John, stumbling back and forth, slowly approached the door. Kate wandered around the kitchen slowly and methodically, completely crestfallen by what had just occurred. She looked dejected and defeated, utterly alone. Syrah and I watched as John opened the door. Two officers, one very lean and tall and another one of a more physically stout build met John.

"Jesus Christ!" the taller one exclaimed. He took the radio from off of his vest pouch. I listened intently as he called for a paramedic team. For John, the sight of the officers seemed to be a complete relief. "Sir…sir…we got a call from a resident at this address of a domestic violence disturbance. We have an ambulance and medics on the way. Sir, is your name John Coleman?" He nodded. His voice seemed to face as he began to speak.

"My wife…she did this…to me…we got into…a fight…"

The tall officer continued his interrogation. "How did you get a gash on your forehead. Sir, can you answer me? Did your wife do this?"

John continued to struggle in his speech. "She…she smashed me with a flower pot…" Every word he spoke seemed to take a great deal of effort. His body was swaying side to side as if he were in a stupor.

"And who is the one who placed the call?" the officer continued.

To my chagrin, Syrah stood up to answer for him. "Sir, I was the one who called. I was the one." Kate's mouth dropped open wide as she realized what was about to happen to her. Syrah began to approach the officers. "Officer…I don't know what's going on. John…and…my sister. They got home and his wife Kate, that woman over there, she attacked him. I…I mean, she just attacked him. I have no idea why. She started getting violent…I don't know…maybe four or five minutes before they even got home."

The officer kept her calm as he pulled out a small notepad. His partner kept a close eye on Kate, whose rage filled eyes kept darting from John to Syrah.

"Ma'am…ma'am…the first thing is first. I need your name." Now Syrah had lied long ago to John and Kate as to what her real last name happened to be.

"The name is Syrah Ivanovitch." Ivanovitch being the fake surname she used to cover her tracks. This brought a little smile to my face. At least she didn't blurt out "Klammer" in her haste. Then we'd have a problem. The officer scribbled this information down on his notepad.

"And just so I'm correct, you made the phone call?" the officer asked. Syrah nodded. Kate's face turned beat red. She raised her voice to my sister.

"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CALLED? HOW DARE YOU GET INVOLVED WITH ME AND MY HUSBAND'S PERSONAL BUSINESS? HOW DARE YOU!" Kate approached rapidly, stomping her feet in her anger, completely oblivious to the police officers. To my sheer horror and disgust, I watched as Kate's rage boiled over onto my sister.

Syrah let out a high pitched shriek as Kate grabbed her by the arm and threw her to the ground. Her head cracked off the floor and she gasped in pain and surprise, collapsing into a heap. "SYRAH!" I screeched, rushing to her aid. I shielded her with my own body as Kate towered over us both like a raging beast.

The two officers wrestled her to the ground. "I BET YOU FUCKED HER, TOO! DIDN'T YOU JOHN?" She clawed and punched at the officers as they pinned her down.

"Get on the ground!" the officers yelled in unison. "Stop fighting!" the stouter officer warned. ''Do you want us to add resisting arrest to the charges?''

I cradled my sister's head in my lap, gently stroking her hair. Kate had officially lit the fire within my belly. She DARED attack Syrah simply for calling the police? Now it was getting VERY personal but I had to hold my tongue for now. It was neither the time nor place for any sharp words, and believe me, I had PLENTY to say to Kate!

The defeated woman was lying on her stomach and began crying hysterically as the officers handcuffed her, subduing her in place. "PLEASE…PLEASE…I'M SORRY! PLEASE JOHN, HELP MEEEE!" she moaned to no avail.

The tall officer explained the deal to her. "Ma'am, you're under arrest for domestic battery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand your rights?"

All Kate could do was cry and plead with the officers to release her which was little more than a vain attempt. I held onto Syrah for dear life. "Are you alright?" I asked of her, pulling back and inspecting her for any injuries. She remained quiet, numb from shock. ''Syrah?'' I asked worriedly. God forbid if Kate gave her a concussion from that fall.

She put her hand to her forehead. "I'm fine…really…really, it's okay.'' Her voice shook as she closed her eyes, allowing me to once again cradle her in my arms.

The officers helped Kate to her feet as she was led away. I glared at her in total contempt. "How dare she strike you!" I harped to Syrah. I felt flushed with anger. Attacking John was bad enough, but now she truly had crossed the line. And need I say again what happens to those who cross the line with me?

I turned my attention back to the stairs and what I saw made my heart almost stop in my chest. Max was watching the entire incident for herself. She shook as if she were having a seizure. Could she ever have imagined this happening between her parents?

My heart might has well have fallen out of me at the tragic sight. 'Oh no, no, not her! No, Max. Run back to your room!' I thought helplessly. Almost as if she could read my thoughts, she stormed away as if she were running for her very life. "What have I done to Max?" I whispered in desperation.

I felt absolutely disgusted. How much of the fight had she seen? Oh God, was she there when Kate attacked John with that flower pot? The thoughts raced in my head as I clutched onto my sister. I could only be drawn back to the drama unfolding before my very eyes. The sheer horror of what my actions had unleashed.

The officers, each clutching onto Kate's arms, led her to the waiting police car outside. As with John. I managed to help get Syrah back on her feet. John had taken a seat at the dining room table holding a bloody washcloth tightly to his forehead. I began cursing Kate in Estonian under my breath. "Dumb whore! You're next on the chopping block, you bitch! You hear me, you're NEXT!" I was clenching down on my teeth so hard that my jaw began to hurt.

John began to speak to me, his voice broken and defeated. "Esther…just…you don't need to be seeing this…you should…go to you room" he said faintly.

But I couldn't just bring myself to leave him like this yet at the same time wanted to be at Max's side. Both of them needed me. The ear-splitting sound of the ambulance siren broke the conversation. "It's about time," Syrah said. The two officers quickly returned with two paramedics. One male, and one female. They carried a orange colored gurney and quickly placed it on the floor. The woman handed her partner a pair of latex gloves.

John was still bleeding profusely, so much so that I feared he might lose consciousness. They immediately began to attend to John, asking him various questions. "Can you breathe? What were you cut with? How many fingers am I holding up?" John could barely answer the barrage of questions. They attempted to lay him flat on the gurney which sent him into a coughing fit. The male medic shined a small examination light into John's eyes. All of this over a couple of photos.

Syrah turned me away from the horrid spectacle. The tall officer, I could now read his nametag, Officer Zyborivan, was quick to stop Syrah and I. "Ma'am, I need to ask you a couple of questions. And you, um, what's your name, little girl?" he asked.

"Esther Coleman" I replied slowly, lowering my eyes in an attempt to gain more sympathy points.

"I know this is tough seeing your mommy and daddy fight but I have to ask you a few questions as well. Is that alright with you? I promise this won't take long," he assured me. I nodded sadly. I thought for a brief moment about Kate in that police car. If only the officers knew who I really was and what I had done…that would surely be me in the back of that vehicle. It sent a cold shiver up my spine. We made out way over to the living room.

I clutched onto Syrah, she was my only comfort for the time being. What a sad sight it was to see John being carried out on the gurney by the paramedics. His incessant moans of pain were all due to my actions. But the wedge was now firmly and indelibly planted between John and Kate and that was just what I intended to occur. But not to see John being rushed to a hospital. Syrah and I took our seat on the couch.

My sister was staring blankly into infinity, lost in deep thought. Surely she suspected me of no wrong in what happened. But the officer had to do his job nonetheless. "For the record…" he proceeded, "Your names are Syrah Ivanovitch and Esther Coleman, is that correct?" We both nodded in quiet unison. "Syrah, I'll ask you first, did Kate become angry before her husband and the children came home?"

"Yes," she said in a monotone voice, her Estonian accent more subdued than normal. Her worried eyes met the officer's, who nodded for her to keep talking. She continued on. "I was reading a book right here on the couch and she began swearing and screaming. She kept mentioning that her husband was a home wrecker but I was never sure what she was talking about. She was throwing papers and flipping over some furniture. She even came into the room and flipped that little desk over there." Syrah pointed over in it's direction.

"Did you get involved?" the officer asked.

"No, I was too frightened. I just stayed where I was and didn't say a word. About five minutes later, my sister and John came home…oh, and his daughter Max was with them, too. She's the youngest, six years old. Do you need to question her as well?"

I prayed this would not be the case. I didn't want my little one to go through the harrowing ordeal of being questioned by police officers over something she was too young to fully understand. "No," said the officer, much to my relief. "You can leave her be." I noticed him scribbling on his notepad, taking down every word that was said.

"Anyways", Syrah continued, "they got home and the shouting match began. Esther here told me to take Max upstairs to get her out of the way." The officer smiled at me, as if to say "Good job."

"So I went upstairs and Max went into her room and has been there ever since. I stayed upstairs and that was when I made the call and Esther joined me a few moments later. We heard some glass break or something so I went downstairs to, you know, try and calm things down."

The officer continued writing furiously. "And then what happened?" he asked.

"John was on the ground and Kate was on top of him, slapping and punching, she was swearing at him. The first thing I noticed though was how badly John was bleeding. She cut him open or something." Syrah let out a long, deep exhlae. "So I struggled but I pulled Kate off of him and Esther came back downstairs. We hid here in the living room until you guys arrived shortly thereafter."

The officer turned the page of his notepad. "And you didn't witness what caused the gash on Mr. Coleman's forehead?" he asked.

"No," she said apologetically. ''Like I said, I was upstairs. I didn't see anything.''

"But I did," I suddenly chimed in. "I'll tell you everything that I saw" I knew my testimony would land Kate in some serious hot water.

"I saw what Syrah was talking about when daddy, Max, and I got home. But when Syrah went upstairs with Max, mommy got really mean," I said childishly, trying to win over the officer's sympathy. "She threw a glass at him and it shattered on the ground. Daddy tried to grab her and get her to stop but…but…" I began to milk some tears as I sniffled before burying my face in Syrah's chest, pretending to ball my little eyes out. She ran a gentle hand through my hair. The officer remained calm and gentle in his demeanor.

"None of this is your fault, Esther" he said. I pretended to dry my eyes as I turned again to face him. "She, she hit daddy with a flower pot and he fell down. He started bleeding and I got really scared. Then she just kept hitting him and throwing things at him." I could sense that the officer was angry. Angry to see a "child" victimized by having to witness such extreme domestic violence.

His partner made his way to his side. "Should we get going? The ambulance is on the way to the ER." He sighed for a moment. "I have all the preliminary information I need for the time being. Miss Ivanovitch, here is my card, be sure to call us back tomorrow so we can discuss this more in depth. We really need to get Mrs. Coleman down to the precinct."

Syrah took the card from his hand, looking down at it. "I'll be sure to do so."

The man once again looked down on me with pity in his eyes. "I have a daughter myself about your same age. But don't worry, your mommy is going to get the help she needs. Everything will be alright." I thanked him quietly before retreating behind my sister. Part of this was just a rouse to seem cute but on the other hand, I still couldn't shake my natural fear of law enforcement. "Miss Ivanovitch, may I ask one more question? How are you related to Esther?" he asked.

"She is my sister. She was adopted from overseas and I came to America to be with her." she explained.

"She's going to need your support, Miss Ivanovitch. Please take care for the night and be sure to call us."

"I will. Thank you!" With those parting words, the officers took their leave. The red and blue lights flashing methodically through the windows. 'I can't bring myself to believe I caused all this,' I thought in astonishment. It never ceased to amaze me when it came to how much I was able to get away with. Syrah got up to close the front door. She leaned her back against it, breathing heavily. "GOOD GOD!" she exclaimed loudly. "Just look at this mess!"

The papers scattered about, the broken glass, the furniture in disarray, all the hallmarks of my handiwork. My sister wandered about the aftermath of Kate's rage. "I'm not cleaning this up!" she said in her frustration. I startled at the sudden thought of Max, all alone and isolated in her room with not a soul to help her. Once again I found myself rushing up the stairs. I dashed towards Max's bedroom. I turned the doorknob but the door was locked. I could hear her quiet, muffled sobbing. I knocked fervently. "Max, can you hear me? Max, it's only me. Please, you NEED to let me in!" I begged.

I was soon met by Syrah, obviously as concerned about Max as I was. We were both drained and exhausted and still stunned by all of this. Perhaps it hadn't quite sunk in as to what really happened. But for Max, it was all just too much to handle for someone her age. Syrah tried to knock. Her voice was shaky as she spoke, almost as if she were about to cry herself. "Max's, it's only Esther and I. Everyone else is gone. Please, please, we beg you to let us in. You're not the one in trouble." Her lip quivered, she was becoming more distraught but she knew she had to help Max.

The doorknob finally turned with the door opening only a hair. Max ran back to her bed and collapsed onto her stomach, clutching a stuffed animal beneath her. She took a pillow and threw it over the top of her head. It was as if she were beyond being upset, it was as if she were ashamed to even exist anymore. She curled up into a tight ball, sobbing hysterically. Syrah sat on the edge of the bed and reached to take the pillow away. I instinctively reached for Syrah's arm. "No, no, don't touch her. Let her be for now."

It was rare to ever hear Max make any kind of sound with her being deaf which is a terrible thing in and of itself. But her sobbing froze my blood. I felt so guilty for being the cause of her distress. What kind of a pathetic excuse for a mother does that make me out to be?

Syrah wiped a stray tear from her eye. We were both moved beyond words. "The poor thing," my sister whispered into my ear. Part of me desperately wanted to tell Syrah the truth about the pictures. I felt it eating me up inside. Max, in an angry outburst, threw the pillow and the stuffed animal clear across the room, hitting the wall.

Syrah and I had to intervene in this. "Come sit between us," I said kindly. Max, ever obedient, did as she was told. She was now close enough to Syrah and I to make out what we were saying without the use of sign language.

"Max", Syrah said in a gentle and loving tone, "you need to realize how much Esther and I love you. And how much your mother and father love you as well. You understand that, don't you?" Max nodded slowly.

Syrah locked eyes with me for a brief moment. I nodded at her in approval to continue. Her eyes gazed up towards the ceiling as if she were looking for just the right words to say. Max began signing, her hands quaking. "What did she say?" Syrah asked.

"She wants to know why mommy and daddy were fighting." My sister was at a loss of words. Surely she couldn't explain the sordid little details to Max.

"It's really complicated, Max. It's really, really complicated. We can't talk about it right at this instant because it involves some very grown-up things."

Tears coated Max's face. She signed some more and I had to continue translating to Syrah. "She's distraught," I explained, "because she's worried about mommy going to jail and about whether daddy will be alright. She is terrified that she'll never see either one of them again"

I knew Syrah's words would always be a better choice for anything I could say to Max. "Your mother is going to get help and daddy will be just find. He'll be all fixed up before you know it." Syrah assured the crying child.

"When?" Max mouthed.

"Soon," I replied, "Very soon." I had become angry at myself. 'Another stupid move that backfired, Leena Klammer,' I thought bitterly. 'Damn me to hell!' I certainly had achieved what I wanted to achieve but the cost seemed far too high for me. Now all Syrah and I could do was keep Max company. To tell her over and over again that everything would be okay. Never had there been single moment since I met the Colemans did I ever feel so undeserving of Max. So dirty and guilt ridden.

To Kate, I could give a rat's ass. It was only John and Max for whom my pity was reserved for. And for Syrah, for having to drag her through yet another mess. After all, that's how my whole life felt sometimes. Little more than a broken down mess and now this was exactly how I caused Max to feel. Syrah clung on to her, hushing the child calmly. Her motherly skills and instincts were something to admire.

"It's going to be alright. None of this is your fault. None of this is your fault." she repeated. How I just wanted to put my hand through the drywall. 'Stupid, stupid, STUPID woman!' I scolded myself in my head. 'So damn stupid and so damn pathetic.' How selfish I felt for hurting Max, it's something I wish I could rather forget…

**In the next chapter, Kate makes bail and heads back to the house but it isn't too long before John finds his way back as well. But Esther is soon found in the woods doing something that sends Kate into a second fit that will land Esther into Doctor Browning's office. And how will Daniel react towards Esther and Syrah when he gets home from his school field trip and realizes what happened? Thanks for reading and a big thanks to "NoComparison" for her editorial input! Please take a gander at her Fan Fiction account. As always, leave a comment or a PM and Subscribe!**


	48. The Fallout Begins

**In the last chapter, Esther raised hell by sending nude pictures of Joyce Patterson to Kate's phone. Brenda also fell victim to Esther's wrath when she was pushed off of the playground slide, breaking her ankle in the process. One day has passed and the tension and horrible atmosphere of the previous day is still hanging heavy over Esther and the remnants of the household…**

I had barely slept a wink the previous night. How could any person sleep after experiencing so much raw chaos? So many spent emotions unleashed like an unbridled tidal wave. Everything, body, mind, spirit, everything was numb as I laid there in my bed. An eerie silence had long since replaced the harsh words and violent clashes of the night before. It was the strange calm after the storm.

A golden hue of sunshine permeated my bedroom wall, almost reassuring me that things would get better once again. I would have believed that had I not been so troubled and restless. I felt absolutely drained and exhausted as if every ounce of strength had been sapped from my body. Trying to move even the slightest seemed to take a superhuman force of will. I was paralyzed, out of fear for my future, out of fear for Max, out of fear for John and Syrah. All the people for whom I loved and cared so deeply about.

It was too much for one human being to deal with, and an unstable one at that. I could hardly even blink, my eyes glued to the white, monotone ceiling. These tired, wretched eyes had seen enough violence last night, after all. My whole body was in a sort of limbo. It was such a strange sensation, a kind of numbness that wanted to take me out of this horrid reality to some place more peaceful. But that was little more than wishful thinking. After all, I would have to face the inevitable when John and Kate finally returned home. But in the meantime my thoughts drifted to and fro.

I thought about Max, that poor child. I thought about how I traumatized her for years to come, maybe even for life, I shuddered at the mere thought of it. It was always the youngest and most fragile who suffer the most. I antagonized myself for what seemed like an eternity. "My daughter? What would she think of me if she ever found out that I was behind the fight? What chance in hell would I have then at motherhood?" I sniffled. She would remember what happened for the rest of her life. Something terrible that would haunt her psyche forever.

How would she be in one, five, ten years from now because of this? Max should be enjoying the tender, carefree days of childhood but oh no, look at how my plan hurt her to the very core? Someone of her age shouldn't be subject to so much "adult" problems. But my thoughts were not reserved for Max alone. My thoughts also danced back and forth between John and Kate as well.

I could envision Kate rotting away in a dank, dirty jail cell. Disheveled, broken, and defeated. I could almost hear her crying her eyes out, begging for a chance to set things right. And John? Lying like a rag doll in some hospital bed, trapped between his love for Joyce and his love for Kate, wondering if his marriage was over. Wondering what myself and his children would think of him. "You're so much more powerful than you think, Leena" I told myself. "But you don't know how to use it properly". Wasn't that the bitter truth? I was always underestimating the results of my little schemes.

Knock! Knock! Knock! I immediately sat up in bed, coming out of my self-induced trance, almost half expecting John or Kate to walk through the doorway. "Yes, come in." The door came ajar and I breathed a heavy sigh of belief. It was only Syrah. Despite my apathy, I sat up straight as she addressed me. "Would you like me to put a bow in your hair or ribbons instead?" she asked plainly, holding the two stomach churning hairpieces out to me. "Does it really even matter?" I moaned bitterly. Syrah, ever the understanding sister, placed them on my dresser for later.

"How is Max?" I asked, the concern wearing heavy in my voice. Syrah slowly lowered her eyes as she shut the door tight. She let go a heavy exhale. "She's not holding up too well. Not at all." My heart sank as I was immediately hit with such a strong feeling of guilt. My dirty scheme had backfired right in my face.

I struggled internally as my mind was waging war against me. I wanted to so desperately tell Syrah the horrid truth about what I had done. I could almost feel the words escaping my mouth, yearning for my conscious to be free. But my heart said no and I held my tongue for the time being. Syrah look completely depressed and dejected, obviously not having slept well herself either.

"It breaks my heart to see Max like this. Her parents are gone and we're the only ones left to care about her, you know? I've been up with her all night reading bedtime stories. Anything, just anything in the world to help cheer her up. Anything to take her mind off of what happened." Syrah began to choke up, covering her mouth to keep from crying.

But it was of no use as Syrah began to weep as her emotions became more livid. "Just anything to soothe her. It's really hard for me to watch her break down like that. She's scared half to death that she'll never see her parents again. Why is it that everything seems to be going wrong? Why do these things have to happen?" In the back of my mind I was wondering if Syrah thought I had something to do with this.

I reflected for a moment before answering. "Because we're not perfect, Syrah. Nobody in this world is." My soft gesture caused my sister to stare at me with a look of confusion. "What do you mean by that? That WE'RE not perfect? Are you trying to say something?"

I slammed my fist into the mattress as I lost my nerve "God damn it! Enough! Stop blaming me for everything around here!"

Syrah took a step back in surprise before quickly regrouping herself. "Am I blaming you? No! Or is there something you need to get off your chest?" she shot back accusingly. I shook my head in frustration. No! Under no circumstance could I allow the truth to come out. "I'm…I'm sorry, Syrah. I'm losing my never over all of this and I don't know how it's going to be fixed. Not a clue in the world, is there? Not unless hell freezes over!" I was growing more emotional, wanting to break down in tears myself.

"Then focus on being positive" Syrah said. "I'm just hoping to God that Max can make it back to her old self. I can't stand this damn tension" she continued. "But we can't blame ourselves for this. We couldn't predict what was going to happen last night, how could we? Their marriage is in serious jeopardy. Damn me if I'm the one who has to fix this mess" she mused.

I remained silent for a moment as I heard the soft sounds of Max crying from her room next door. "It breaks my heart. I'm beyond heartbroken." my sister lamented. I could plainly see just how important Max was to my sister. I could see the urge to protect that little girl within every word she spoke. But still, I knew that this fire I had caused wasn't going to be easy to extinguish.

"Leena, come on now and smile for a change. We're going to make this better again, I promise". But her words would offered no comfort or hope of solace for me. I spoke defensively. "How can I smile when Max is having a nervous breakdown? Don't talk so stupid, Syrah, really now. One day isn't going to fix Max. If you think so you're dreaming." Syrah was once again caught off guard by my words but was quick to agree with my reasoning.

"Can you remember when you were six, Syrah? I can, and those times were the happiest of my life. I didn't have to worry about things like this." My sister was quick to retort. "Oh, no, Leena." she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. "You only had to worry about our father raping you day in and day out. That's' what I remember when I was six. How could you even say something like that?" I refused to answer and throw anymore gasoline on the fire.

I took notice to the sunlight as it's warm rays began to fade. It was as if the Heaven's themselves wanted to retreat from our dismal "home". The room became darker as Syrah sat down next to me. I bolted to my feet as Max's constant wailing was driving me to desperation. "I just can't leave me daughter like this." I opened the door and sprinted into her room. Just as I had the previous evening I tried to take on the role of comforter. I figured I could do a better job than Syrah after all. I wanted to show the entire world what kind of mother I had the potential of being. I immediately came to Max's aid.

"Max, come on now, come on now, you need to…" I stopped myself from completing the sentence. I came to the realization that I had no right to tell her that she needed to calm down. Her emotions belonged to her and she had the right to express them. "Max, I promise, I promise, I PROMISE that mommy and daddy will be home soon. You have my word on it!" As much as I wanted Kate out of the house forever I knew that her return would be the only thing that would make things right with Max.

"But how do you know? They're not going to be together anymore." the child signed. I sat down next to her shivering little frame, gently sweeping a lock of her hair from her eyes, now red from so much crying. "That's not true, Max. Mommy and daddy have some things to work out. But I promise things will be back to normal soon enough. They still love each other very, very much and they feel that same way about you. I promise this will all get much better"

I tried to pull Max up so as to sit next to me but she only fell limply back onto her bed like as if she were lifeless. There was no use getting her to do anything. It was hard to see how this girl who had been so jubilant and full of life barely 24 hours ago had now become a traumatized wreck. My heart bled endlessly for her painful plight. It was I who had taken her gentle, fragile little soul and smashed it into a million pieces. Nonetheless, I had to try and assure her for the better. Isn't that one of the things that good mother's do?

"You just have to wait a few days, that's all, I swear on my life." I reasoned with her. I glanced at Syrah milling about in the hallway but she must have thought it wise to keep her distance. "But how do you know?" Max mouthed. "Because mommy knows best" I spoke in Estonian. Syrah crossed her arms at the comment, shaking her head in disbelief. She dashed over to me. "Leena, this isn't the time or the place to be saying that kind of crap."

Max turned her back to the two of us as she laid down. I tried to walk over to the other side of the bed to sign to her but she only turned her back again. My feelings were genuinely hurt by her sudden refusal to acknowledge me. Syrah motioned for me with her finger back into the hallway. "She doesn't want to be bothered. She needs time to herself to absorb everything." she explained.

"What? Is there something wrong with trying to help her? She's six years old, she can't be left alone after what happened. Damn it, she needs our attention! We can't just leave her alone and pretend she's doing fine. That's not right and you know it!"

Syrah reasoned. "Listen to me, okay? Just give her time already. Believe me, I want to see her happy again just as much as you do but we got to give her some space." I glanced back at the little girl that I had hurt so deeply, coming to the realization that Syrah was right. "Then John and Kate better be back soon." I said. "Because if neither of us can fix her then so help me, they better be able to."

But no sooner had those words left my mouth, almost like some sort of magical clockwork, Syrah's phone rang. "It's Kate!" Syrah said emphatically. She excused herself but I was quick to follow her. I wanted in on every little tidbit of this conversation. I surely had to know what this was about. "Yes, Kate. Uh huh. You're making bail today?" This caught me by surprise. "Do you need the money? Oh, wait, JOHN is paying for it!" Syrah said in disbelief, placing a hand on her forehead as she paced about.

My sister's voice suddenly became more desperate, more urgent. "Kate, yes, Esther and I are fine. Listen, you need to get home as soon as possible because…Max is just a mess right now. I hate to say that. It hurts me so much to say that but she's been crying since last night. Please get back to the house ASAP. Kate, we REALLY need you here" my sister pleaded.

"Listen, we'll talk about everything else later. Okay, fine then take a taxi but just get here. Okay, I'll put her on." Syrah attempted to hand me the phone. I frowned as I shook my head vigorously. "I'm not talking to her" I hissed. "Tell her I'm asleep or something." I couldn't understand why I had refused to talk to Kate. Was I subconsciously afraid that she knew the whole truth? No, I was thinking way too deep into this.

"Very well" my sister shrugged. She got back on the line with Kate. "Yes, Kate. Esther's fine, she's just taking a nap right now. None of us went to bed last night, I mean come on, how could we? Okay, Kate just calm down. I'll give the phone over to Max. She really needs to hear your voice and know you're alright."

Syrah retreated back into the little girl's bedroom with myself in tow. Syrah cheerfully spoke to Max, the biggest grin of joy on her face. "I have a special surprise for you sweetheart. Someone wants to talk to you." She extended the phone to the little one. Gingerly, still lying on her side, she placed the phone to her ear. Immediately it was as if somebody had turned on a switch as her personality instantly changed.

The forlorn, depressed child once again lit up as bright as could be at the sound of her mother's voice. I didn't know what Kate was saying and obviously Max was unable to speak but nonetheless I took a sigh of much needed relief. Max sat up on the edge of her bed with a newfound energy. Her joyfulness was absolutely contagious!

Syrah came to my side and draped an arm over my shoulder. "You see? That's all it took. Thank God she's coming home shortly. Because you're right about one thing…only her real mother can fix this. We need to stay out of this and let Kate handle it, okay Leena?" But I couldn't help but ignore my sister as I watched Max's complexion change from an ashen white back to a normal, healthy glow. From dead inside to back to life. I took it as a miracle of sorts.

But just as Max returned the phone to Syrah we were met by an unwelcome guest, at least for me anyways. "MOM! DAD!" the voice shouted. Oh, how my blood turned bitter cold whenever I head that voice. "You dirty son of a bitch!" I grumbled. Syrah was as surprised as I was. "I didn't even THINK about it. Daniel being on his overnight field trip. Does he even KNOW what happened?" Syrah said in nervous excitement. She began wringing her hands anxiously, unsure of how to handle the situation.

He called out again yet there was no answer. Syrah had gone about cleaning up the mess downstairs so he remained oblivious to any clues as to what had happened the night before. "Where is everybody?" he yelled. "I don't want to talk to the little shit, Syrah, you handle it." I told my sister blatantly. "Am I just supposed to tell him what happened matter of fact? What should I tell him?" she whispered back to me. "Just go down and I'll come with you, Sy Sy. Even an obnoxious little brat like him should know what happened."

Syrah stared dead ahead for a brief moment, trying to work up the inner courage before resigning herself to the task at hand. "Might as well get this over with. Not that he won't find out when Kate gets home anyways." Daniel shouted out for his parents some more. I stood behind my sister as we met Daniel at the foot of the stairs. Syrah remained sullen and serious. "Where is everybody?" he asked curiously. "Where did mom and dad go?"

Syrah quickly answered him. "Max is upstairs resting, but…I think you better sit down." Daniel had an idiotic look on his face. He looked frazzled and confused by my sister's seriousness. "What is it?" Syrah's eyes darted over to me almost as if she were looking to garner some sort of advice about what to say. "I really think we should wait for your mother to get home." I looked angrily at Syrah. "Well if you won't tell him then I guess it's up to me, Syrah" My sister was quick to intervene upon hearing those words.

"No, no, listen Daniel, I'll get right to the point." She hesitated for a moment so as to gather her thoughts and regroup her strength, as difficult as that may have been. "I don't even know if I'm the one to be telling you this because it's not going to be something that'll be easy for you to handle." Daniel seemed a little perplexed but remained quiet as Syrah continued.

"Your parents…something happened and they got into a pretty vicious argument last night. It's, it's a lot to explain right now just when you've walked through the door but your mother gave quite a row to your father and he's in the hospital being treated at the moment. Daniel…I'll just leave it to your mother to explain everything in more detail." I could tell Syrah wanted to turn around and do exactly that, leave the whole situation for his mother to explain.

Daniel's expression was worth a thousand words for sure! "What the…whoa, wait a minute…this isn't funny. Where's mom and dad, really? I'm not joking." The boy was absolutely crestfallen as Syrah continued. "The cops were called and your mother was arrested for assaulting your father. I mean, how much more point blank can I be? But your mother made bail and she'll be home shortly. As for your dad…I can't say right now."

The boy's eyes began to moisten. I became amused as he began to break down. "Better get me a rain jacket", I thought, "Looks like he is about to cry us a river." He tried his best to keep himself together. His legs shook like he was standing on stilts. His muscles jerked involuntarily. I cracked a coy smile, waiting for the moment where he would begin balling his eyes out like a three year old. But instead he suddenly shot back with a burst of adolescent anger.

"You're lying to me and I know it! You and Esther, you're always both trying to make things hard for me! Both of you hate my guts and I feel the same way about both of you." Syrah wasn't having any of it. "You listen to me young man, you're parents invited us here and that's not changing anytime soon so you better start showing Esther and I some respect. We have both been patient enough with you and your attitude problem."

"Why don't the two of you go the hell back to Transylvania where you belong!" the boy screamed in frustration. Syrah raised her hand as if she were about to strike him. I quickly grabbed onto her arm. "No, Kate would be pissed!" I warned. "What? Are you going to hit me?" he screeched, his body shaking more than ever. "Don't test me!" Syrah hissed harshly.

"All you're doing is making up STORIES!" I was shocked as he shoved my sister hard, causing her to nearly lose balance. She let out a frightened gasp as she regained her footing. Every nerve tingled as the hatred instantly boiled up from the deep recesses of my soul. "YOU DIRTY LITTLE SON OF A BITCH!" I screamed. I tried to lunge for him but Syrah wrapped her arm around my waist, preventing me from taking another step towards him.

Daniel was up the stairs like a flash, obviously not wanting another physical confrontation with me. "Let me go! LET ME GO!" I shouted. "No, oh God, Leena, no! Stop it! Honey, just STOP IT!" she begged. I quickly went limp. "WORTHLESS BASTARD! I BEAT YOUR ASS IN FRONT OF BRENDA, I CAN BEAT YOUR ASS AGAIN!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Leena, come on now. We've been through enough drama last night. Let's not go starting anymore."

"Oh no! Oh no, Syrah! What right did he have to push you, huh? That boy is going to get it again. So help me God, mark my words, that boy has a death wish." I warned ominously. "Don't talk so stupid." Syrah reprimanded. "I guess puberty is hitting him a little hard." she said.

"I'll give him a reason to hate me, Syrah. That little fucker has wanted war from day one and you know that!" Syrah finally released me. I kicked the bottom step out of anger. The pain was excruciating. "Son of a BITCH!" I moaned. "Knock it off, Leena. Please, before Kate gets home. Let her deal with the boy. If you keep becoming upset with him that's only going to egg him on." She was right, what use was their throwing anymore gasoline on the fire? Syrah and I had enough to deal with without Daniel's "attitude problem".

"I can't handle all of this Sy Sy. I…I just can't keep going on like this." But then again I was well aware that all of this stress from last night was completely my own fault. "Let Kate deal with it, Leena. Don't try to get involved any further. Just sit on the sidelines for a change." I brushed off her words as I headed down into the living room. Immediately I began searching high and low for what I felt I needed the most.

I got down on my knees and searched underneath the couches, then tossing the cushions violently across the room. "What on earth are you doing?" Syrah asked. "I need it. I got to have it NOW!" I cried out in my frustration. "Well, what?" I got back on my feet. "Booze, Syrah. I need a fucking drink! I can't take this anymore!"

She remained silent and motionless as she watched me search every nook and cranny. Was she thinking that I had some hidden alcohol problem? I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to share a drink with me herself. But she was quick to wise up. "Leena, you're acting ridiculous. Stop it with this crap before Kate walks in. The last thing she needs is to see you liquored up. This isn't the way to handle your problems!"

But at that point I could care less. "I need to escape reality, Syrah. It's like I'm trapped in my own life. Constantly trapped with no way out. Now where the hell does she keep the bottles?" I barked angrily, balling my little hands into tight fists. I got to my feet and stormed into the kitchen like a woman possessed. "Don't even start with this, Leena. I'm telling you right now to calm the hell down and give yourself some time to relax. There are other ways of handling this! Don't you have a brain in your head?"

Syrah could talk all she wanted but I was completely at my wits end. "Fuck Daniel! Fuck Kate! Just FUCK EVERYTHING!" I wailed. As with the living room I began searching high and low for Kate's secret stash. I opened one of the cabinets which was stocked with the canned goods. I tossed the cans to the floor, one by one. Syrah tried grabbing my arm so as to stop me. "No, no! Get off me!" I continued my fervent search in the cabinet before…viola!

"Ha ha!", I exclaimed triumphantly, "Need to better do a job at hiding these, Kate" I read the bottle, "Yellow Tail Merlot, Product of Australia." I scrambled back to my feet again. Syrah, in her growing frustration, tried to grab the bottle from my hands but I was quick enough in my reflexes to keep it within my grasp. "Come get it Syrah if you really want it!", I teased with an almost maniacal laugh. "Leena, stop all of this and put that back right this instant. Are you even listening? Put it back! Before it's too late."

"Then come catch me!" With that I ran over to the coat rack to fetch one of my long coats. I bolted out the front door with the bottle in hand, struggling to pull the garment over my body. Concerned, I looked over my shoulder but Syrah did not bother to give chase. I ran around to the back of the house and past the frozen pond. The melting snow made the surface slippery and I fell several times as I made my way out to the woods just beyond the property line, where I could be alone to myself, even if only for a brief while.

I struggled to catch my breath as my heart pounded furiously in my chest. My throat was sore and hoarse. My whole little body felt broken down overall. I slumped to the ground and sat at the base of a mighty oak, my only companions being the trees and the birds. I looked up at the gnarled branches. "God, if your up there", I thought, "Please set things right". But I knew my empty pleas fell on deaf ears.

The cold air lingered as it did every winter's day, chilling me to the bones. I perched the bottle of wine next to me, it was already about a third of the way empty, a clear sign that Kate had already had at it. I had a clear view of the house, about 75 yards in the distance. So many dirty little secrets, so much anger and hostility, so much was going on within those walls. If only they could talk.

It was so calm, peaceful, and serene in this patch of forest. I felt as if nothing could get me…that my problems were far, far away. But I still wanted to escape from reality, there was no question about that. After a few minutes of quiet reflection, I picked up the bottle which was now slightly chilled. The cork was put in loosely but I still struggled for a moment to get it off the bottle neck.

With a pop and a slight hiss the cork gave way. It had been years since I'd had the slightest sip of alcohol. But it was something I felt that I sorely needed. Just anything to drown out my miserable existence. Anything to drown out the never ending torrent of problems. I sniffed the bottle before placing it to my lips and was met by the strong scent of fruit. I took the first gulp and was caught off guard by the harsh, acidic flavor of Kate's wine. "This shit's still warm!"

I could really care less though. I took another big chug, still sitting haphazardly beneath the giant tree. "Just when will this all end?" I lamented to myself, "This madness!" Right then and there it seemed as if the bottle was my only friend in the world. The only friend who could comfort me, who could understand what precisely what I was going through. Now I could see why Kate drank like she did.

Down the hatch, a third, a fourth, a fifth chug. Before I knew it I must have drank an entire glass worth of the strong wine. It wasn't too long before I could hear a sharp buzzing sound within my head. The alcohol was like an anesthetic to me. I felt loose and relaxed for the first time today. I took another hard hit of the bottle as my head began to swoon from all the booze. Why did the Christmas song "Silver Bells" suddenly pop into my head? Everything was beginning to feel right with the world, the bottle was an all too easy escape, I know.

I closed my eyes and smiled, humming the holiday song underneath my breath, although we were obviously well past Christmas. Carefree and jovial, I let my guard down completely. I hung my head towards my chest, letting the booze course it's way though my small body, enjoying every second of it. I had gotten myself hammered pretty quickly. "Not a worry, not a care" I mumbled in an increasingly drunken stupor.

The buzzing in my head became more subdued and in the background. As I opened my eyes, everything was a bit more out of focus. I hit the bottle again as the sky itself seemed to begin to spin at a dizzying speed. I soon lost all sense of place and time. The innocent chirping of the birds was like the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. I felt as if the trees themselves wanted to share their wisdom with me. Yeah, in short, I was absolutely wasted by this point.

I picked up the bottle, now nearly empty. Try as I might to stand up but doing so caused me to collapse into a heap, causing a burst of drunken laughter with every failed attempt. A small rabbit suddenly came into my view a few feet in front of me. Laughing in my haze I began to crawl over to the small creature, who was eyeing me up as I came closer. Trying to speak was becoming difficult as all I could get out to the animal was a slurred jumble of nonsense as it ran off.

Listlessly making my way back to the tree I decided to finish off the wine bottle. Kate would never know, I could always get Syrah to go out and buy a new one after all. See no evil, hear no evil as they say. As my hands trembled, I could barely hold the bottle to my lips anymore so I set it back into the snow and ruminated about my situation.

"It's not like Kate wasn't going to find out about Joyce. Why should I beat myself up over this? This was going to happen with or without me. John did this to himself. It was just karma coming back around. What happened was inevitable." Those words, I truly believed what I was telling myself. If the alcohol didn't soothe my troubled mind then my own self-convictions would do it for me. At least that was all I could hope for.

I began talking to myself, speech slurred and off kilter. "Kate, that stupid whore of a dog. That's why John cheats, that's why he goes and looks for other women. I knew she couldn't keep him satisfied, why the hell are they even still together? Yeah, I'll tell you why?…." I failed to finish my complaint as I lost my train of thought. My ears rang sharply, the buzzing returned, now I was beginning to physically feel sick.

I looked straight ahead, the house being little more than a dark blur. My peaceful environment now seemed to become more dark and foreboding. The chirping of the birds seemed to be hurting my ears. The trees looked deathly and ominous. I suddenly became nervous, almost a sense of paranoia washing over me.

But who was that rapidly approaching me in the distance? "Leena, Leena!", the shrill voice cried out. Ah, only Syrah again. Nothing to worry about, or was there? "Leena, she's home! Kate's home! For the love of God, hide that damn bottle before she finds out." I continued clutching the bottle to my chest. "She can't…she can't…do…doooooo", I trailed off.

"Oh for the love of heaven" she said in disbelief, "You drank that WHOLE thing?" I nodded with a satisfied smile on my face. "Oh, God! Now what?" she said helplessly, "What if Kate see's you like this? Oh God, NO!" I squinted as a second form rapidly approached us. I was so intoxicated that I really didn't care. Syrah began to sweat profusely, pacing frantically as the figure came closer.

The voice was gentle at first. "What is going on out here?", if you guessed the voice to be Kate's then you're correct. The alcohol rushing through my veins kept me from becoming terrified. I barely knew where I was by that point. "Esther? Why are you out here just sitting in the woods? Esther? What, what is that you have in your hand?" Syrah was anxiously biting her fingernails, she knew what was about to go down.

Kate knelt over and retrieved the bottle from my limp hand. "ALCOHOL! MY, MY, MY WINE BOTTLE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING DRINKING ALCOHOL?" My senses suddenly heightened as Kate angrily grabbed onto my arm, trying to hoist me back to my feet. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOUNG LADY! GET UP! GET UP AND GO INSIDE RIGHT NOW! I SAID GET UP!"

But I was in no mood to be messed with. "LET ME THE HELL GO, KATE! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Kate was nearly dragging me at this point and she could clearly smell the alcohol on my breath. "WHY? JUST WHY, ESTHER? YOU WAIT, YOU WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS" she screamed. I scrambled to my feet. "Oh" I said with a wicked laugh. "You mean the man that can't go a day without cheating on you."

Syrah began crying in near hysterics as Kate cracked me on the cheek…one strike, then two, then three. The sound reverberated throughout the forest. Kate's forehead wrinkled in anger as her face contorted with rage. If anything seemed to sober me up it was this! "GO TO HELL, KATE!" I exclaimed in my own defense, "You put daddy in the hospital!"

Now I had lighted a fire under Kate's ass. She violently pulled at my arm again causing me to collapse to my knees. "Syrah! Syrah, HELP ME!" I cried. Kate latched onto the wine bottle with one hand while trying to subdue me with the other. I struggled like a wild animal. "GET THE HELL OFF OF MEEEEEE!", I yelled, my voice filling with unbridled rage.

Finally, Syrah intervened. "Stop it! BOTH OF YOU!" She grabbed onto Kate's wrist and attempted to pry her from my arm. "KATE JUST LET GO BEFORE YOU HURT HER!" Syrah pleaded to no avail. Kate dropped the wine bottle and began struggling ferociously with Syrah. I knew there was no way my sister would let Kate harm me. "Kate, it doesn't have to end this way, just let go!"

The woman was having none of it as she exploded on my sister. "THE HELL WITH YOU, SYRAH. MY HUSBAND SLEPT WITH YOU TOO, I KNOW HE DID, DIDN'T HE? DIDN'T HE? JUST CONFESS YOU FILTHY WHORE!" Time seemed to stand still as I watched in horror at what happened next. Kate, in her obvious disgust of Syrah. spat in my sister's face causing her to shriek in terror. The searing flames of anger instantly spewed forth. How I reacted next seemed to happen on it's own, almost automatically.

Like a wild beast trapped in a corner I bit down on Kate's hand, my jaw aching as my teeth pierced her flesh. I could taste the warm, metallic blood begin to fill my mouth. Kate screamed in pain as she instinctively released me. I quickly began to back away, I couldn't believe what I'd just done. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Kate's voice filled the still winter's air, the birds flocking away in fear. She clutched onto her hand as the blood poured from the open wound.

Syrah had fallen to her knees, absolutely hysterical as Kate attempted to pursue me. She covered her face as Kate threatened me. "I'M TELLING YOUR FATHER. THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER? THIS IS HOW?" I ignored Kate's voice and pretended as if she simply didn't exist. I lumbered back and forth, staggering about in my alcoholic daze. "INTO THE GOD DAMN HOUSE, ESTHER COLEMAN! RIGHT NOW!"

I truly underestimated Kate as she took her belt off. She was like a rabid hyena stalking it's prey. I tried to get away but fell over myself, landing hard on the frozen ground. Kate was on top of me before I could even attempt to stand up. She looked nothing short of deranged. It was a complete transformation from her normal self. "SYRAH! PLEASE! HELP ME! SYRAHHHHH! SYRAHHHH PLEASE!" I screeched, my body frozen, just absolutely locked in terror.

"YOU BITE ME, HUH? IS THAT THE WAY YOU WANT IT? IS THAT HOW YOU CHOOSE TO TREAT ME?" Kate folded the belt. "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you." With my face buried in the snow, the once docile, gentle woman began to whip my rear end with the belt. Even with the booze having numbed my body, the sting of the belt was extreme. I cried out in pain with each devastating hit, the belt slapping loudly against my nimble frame. She must have hit me 12, 15 times, I have no clue but it sure as hell felt like an eternity.

Syrah, seeming to tremble in pure fear of Kate, returned to my side as my "mommy" stood over me, the leather belt still firmly in your hand. "What did you do to her?" Syrah asked frantically. "How could you do this to her?" Syrah collapsed at my side, ever the sympathetic comforter. I was now the one in hysterics, crying in total humiliation. Kate was flabbergasted. Had she even realized what she had done? Did she realize her drinking problem had finally been exposed? Now she was the one backing away from me, her jaw hanging wide open. Her eyes, the size of saucers, locked onto mine in total disbelief.

She glanced at her still bleeding hand. "This…couldn't have…happened." she whispered softly. She literally backed up into the house, inching her way slowly towards the door to the greenhouse. All three of us were totally bewildered by this point. "I must be dreaming" I cried out. "This can't be real. Oh dear God, just let me WAKE UP!"

Syrah quieted me. "Not now, honey. Take a deep breath." Kate, still looking confused and deranged, finally disappeared into the house. It was over, was this it? Would I find myself being kicked out of the house over this? Would John believe his wife over me? He would be home sooner or later. I knew I had just dug myself into a hole that was a whole lot worse than what happened even last night. Mercy me…as I lied there with my sister, feeling so humiliated and defenseless, I wondered if things would ever return to normal…

**In the next chapter, John finally returns home as the aftermath of the argument with his wife continues to simmer. Will John believe his wife's story about Esther or brush it off as nonsense? Also, Esther is finally taken to Dr. Browning at Kate's behest as a result of the incident in the forest. Please comment, PM, subscribe and let's keep the ball rolling!**


	49. The Truth Be Told

**In the last chapter, events in the Coleman household took a darker turn when Kate returned home, only to discover Esther intoxicated in the woods. A struggle ensued before Esther was violently punished, which then culminated on an attack on Kate…the day continues to unfold.**

**Author's Note - Another big thanks to NoComparison for her edits and additional input on this chapter. Her expert and talented refining is greatly appreciated :D Be sure to read her story, "Devil with the Angel's Eyes" if you want another deep read about a disturbed young woman who has much in common with Esther's character.**

"You sit down in that God damn corner and don't you so much as move a muscle. I swear to God if you so much as turn your head you're going to get it again." Kate brooded in her anger, her nostrils flared, teeth exposed like a wild animal's. "Do you understand me, you ungrateful little brat? And you don't dare get up for the rest of the day!" Wow, how lucky she was that I didn't have a knife in my hand. I would jab the thing right in her fucking eye!

I felt myself shake and tremble from the pent-up emotions brewing inside of me. The aftermath of that brutal whipping left a painful sting on my backside, and even the cotton material of my dress did little to soothe the ache I felt at having been so forcefully shoved onto this wooden chair. It took everything in me to keep from spitting in Kate's gnarled face. I wanted her to taste the rage that was boiling inside me.

'I don't want to hear one word from you, Esther Coleman,'' Kate gritted through her teeth. ''Do you understand me, young lady? Not. one. WORD!'' She jabbed an accusing finger in my face. Oh, what I would have given to have torn it right off. ''Think about what you've done,'' she ordered, before straightening up and turning to leave.

Her footsteps trampled loudly across the wooden floor of our living room as she stormed away in her fit of rage. I was left alone, now sobered up, facing the wall in the corner where she had left me. I was still fuming like a red hot furnace. She beats the hell out me and then I'm punished for simply defending myself? In what way is that fair? And my poor, sweet, gentle Syrah, spat on and verbally abused by that evil, alcoholic witch.

I knew at that solemn moment that there would be no fairytale ending for Kate. Her days were already numbered in my mind. "The bitch is gonna die! The bitch is gonna die! The bitch is gonna die!" I thought in perpetuity as I rocked my body back and forth within the chair, my clenched fists angrily tugging at my skirts.

I could feel my veins wanting to pop out of my skin, for my eyes to bulge from their sockets. How does a human being vent such frustrations? Of course, the answer to that is different for everyone, is it not? But I knew exactly what would put MY warped and twisted psyche to rest.

I imagined myself rising angrily, fire unquenchable, from my seat of shame only to grab the sharpest, most deadliest weapon I could find. Yes, YES! I could see Kate as her stunned bewilderment turned into a look of terror as I jabbed the instrument deep into her chest. I could see her clutch at it, trying desperately to pull it out, but of course to no avail. As I closed my eyes, my mind painted a clear picture of that cunt falling to the ground, eyes glassy and lifeless, while I stood over her, the weapon in my tiny hand.

Ah, that familiar feeling of penetrating into another's flesh. I had done it to my own father, I had done it to little Samantha, I had done it to both patients and staff alike at Saarne. I had done it to the Estonian family who so rudely rejected me. There were so many people who had tasted Leena Klammer's wrath. Oh, but it would be Kate who would truly take the cake! I licked my lips as I thought about the sheer high I would receive off of the adrenaline rush.

I knew, through all my boiling hatred, that I would one day taste Kate's blood again, hopefully from the edge of that cold knife as I stood over her lifeless, pathetic form. The day would come when I would take my place as matriarch of the Coleman household. When Kate would be nothing but a rotting corpse in a lonely, desolate graveyard.

But not now. No, for now I must endure this humiliation. "One day, Kate, I'll set myself in John's embrace and you will be food for the maggots and worms. Keep testing this little firecracker,'' I grumbled, wishing so badly I could scream it in her ugly face. "Because I'm already lit!"

After a few minutes of stewing in my own disgust for Kate I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I feared it to be Kate and kept my attention to the wall. I didn't want to go for two rounds with her belt, after all. A caring Estonian accent told me it was not Kate, but rather the one person I WANTED to be around, the one person who could help soothe my broken soul.

"It's only me,'' Syrah whispered, taking my hand in hers. She got down on her knees to meet me at eye level. "Be calm, little sister. I know, you don't need to tell me how angry you are, I see it in you right now. But don't act rashly, don't act out of anger."

I turned slightly to face her, pursing my lips in a straight line. "But John. He'll be home and he'll see what I did to her. I can still taste her damn blood between my teeth. I'm screwed, Syrah. I know I went too damn far this time. But…but…she beats me with a belt…she spits in your face? How else was I going to react? Was I supposed to take that shit lying down?"

Syrah nodded agreeably, gently rubbing the back of my hand with her thumb. She reached up to give me a kiss on the forehead. "Don't you worry about me, Leena. I can handle it. Remember some of those breathing techniques I taught you for when you get all tense like this." She placed her hands on my arms and gently held me in place, perhaps afraid that I would try to attack Kate again if she didn't keep some control over me.

I didn't think Syrah was quite understanding what I was trying to say. Did she really think breathing techniques were going to solve the problem that I had caused? I sighed, pulling back from my sister and burying my face in my palms. "No, Syrah, you and I are out of here. I'm going to be sent back to that damn Girl's Home and that means that all of this was for nothing," I lamented. The realisation of what this would mean for me, for us, sank in as I let out the choked sob that had been building in my chest.

"Even if that's the case,'' Syrah reasoned, gently rubbing my hand, her expression soft. "You know I'm not going anywhere. You'll never have to worry about being scared or alone, sister. There will be no more orphanages, no more feeling hurt or frightened. I'll take care of you, I'll get a house for us BOTH to move into. You'll never be alone again, okay, my Klam Klam?'' Her words brought a smile to my face. What a kind, loving soul my Syrah is. Even after all I have put her through, she goes out of her way to protect me, to ensure my happiness.

"Thank you, Syrah," I whispered, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Your words.. you have no idea what they mean to me. Thank you for caring."

Syrah nodded in understanding. "I know, Leena. I'm here for you, you know that.. but even if you stay here under this roof,'' she continued, her voice a bit more sullen, "You need to understand that Kate is never going to look at you the same way again. She doesn't see sweet little Esther, not anymore. No, not after today."

I wanted to burst out laughing right then and there. I had to bite my lip to stop from doing so. "Syrah, do you really think that I give a rat's ass what Kate thinks about me?'' I rolled my eyes to heaven, my voice taking on a more serious tone as I faced my sister. ''How she sees me? How she sees either of us? Let her rot for all I care!"

Syrah couldn't get in a word before we were both startled by the loud voice emanating from outside the front door. "GOD DAMN IT! WHERE THE HELL IS MY KEY?" Now I had another reason to be frightened. My back went rigid against the chair. I clutched onto Syrah's arm for dear life. For once I was truly terrified to see John. I didn't like feeling this way about my man.

"JOHN!" I exclaimed, my eyes widening. The roar of his voice was so unnatural, it made me quake in fear. Never before had I heard the quiet, reserved man speak in such a tone, well, I guess with the exception of the previous evening but today he sounded even fiercer. Once he knew of Kate's story, I feared that tone would be directed towards me. 'It's going to be okay, Leena, it's going to be okay,' I tried to convince myself, but to no avail.

Syrah stood up, smoothing down the front of her skirt. ''Syrah, I-I...'' I stuttered, the fear of what I had done now truly overtaking me. I honestly did feel like a scared little girl at this point. There was no telling what would happen once John walked through that door. Would I be punished again? Would he believe Kate over me? I could feel myself to start to tremble and quake with a real and tangible fear.

"Shhh, shhhh, just be still, Leena," Syrah hushed me. ''Everything will be fine.'' With those words, she quickly sprinted to the front door. She fiddled nervously with the lock for a moment before getting the door open. "John, my goodness!" she exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hands, the concern rife in her voice, "Are you alright?" I shot to my attention quicker than a rattlesnake and quickly scrambled to my feet.

Never was there a more pitiful sight of such a gentle man. His right eye, a horrid blackish purple color, swollen twice it's normal size. A line of stitches were sewn across his bruised forehead. Multiple cuts and abrasions on his face and arms. He looked as if he had been in a car wreck. It was a truly dreadful sight. I shook my head in disbelief as my sister stood in front him. She was frozen like a deer caught in the headlights, completely unsure of what to say or do. They made silent eye contact for a brief moment before John slammed the front door behind him, passing by my sister without a word.

John's eyes, or should I say the eye that was still normal, looked sharp and serious. Cautiously, ever so cautiously, with quivering legs and a nimble gait, I slowly approached the bruised and battered man. "Da…ddy…Daddy!" I spoke softly.

He turned to me in obvious pain. "Esther?" he spoke plainly. The mere sound of his voice was too much for my fragile psyche to handle. What had I done? The pain I had caused my lover was clear to see. I felt the shame and remorse hit me like a tonne of bricks. My knees began to knock together, my body swaying. I could hardly stand up on my own power.

I collapsed on my knees in front of the poor man and clutched onto his pants. I let out what felt like the longest, most sorrowful wail I had ever experienced. The crying quickly turned to total hysterics as I held onto him for dear life, my face buried in his torso, tears streaming down my face. "DADDY! DADDYYYYY!" I was nearly screaming. John came to his senses and lifted me back to my feet. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as he wrapped his loving embrace around me, hushing my wounded soul.

There was no end to my tears. I had been the cause of his hurt. My being was so torn up inside over what I had done to my future, forlorn lover. Syrah stood watching us, a concerned look on her face. I knew she must have wanted to comfort me, to be at my side. Still, she knew it better for John to handle this right now.

"It's going to be alright, Esther,'' he assured me, rocking me back and forth in his arms. "I'm still here with you. Daddy's still here with you. Esther, come on sweetheart, stop crying, shush now, my little angel, it's going to be okay." His gentle words began to soothe me, though not by much. I hung my arms limply over his shoulders, my sobs becoming softer with the subtle realization that things were not coming to an end.

He gazed ahead of me and gently set me free from his warm embrace. John stood tall as his wife confronted him. "Well, well, well, look who came crawling back? And YOU, young lady", she pointed angrily, her face contorted in hideous rage, "YOU GET BACK IN THAT CORNER WHERE I TOLD YOU!"

'Oh shit, here we go!' I thought to myself. 'Shit is really about to hit the fucking fan now!' I lowered my eyes, quivering as I clung to John's waist for dear life. "For what?" John said defensively. "Can't a father show any love to his daughter? I didn't realise that was a punishable offence, Kate,'' he shot back. ''Thanks to you she's frightened half to death."

Syrah must have felt the tension between the pair start to rise again, for she motioned for me to join her. I made my way to her side. She wrapped a protective arm across my chest as she stood behind me, running he fingers through my hair. "I can't cope with this anymore, you dog!" Kate shot back. "You want to know why Esther was sent to the corner? HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF WHAT THAT SPOILED LITTLE BRAT DID TO ME!"

The embattled woman stuck her wounded hand out to her husband. "That little brat had the NERVE to BITE ME!" Kate's eyes shot over to mine, the look of accusation holding firm with a steel resolution. Syrah clung on tighter to me with the uncertainty of what would happen next. My heart was skipping and racing. I suddenly felt an uncomfortable, overwhelming sense of helplessness.

"Please, John…" I whispered. ''Please, don't take her side on this.. God, please, please..'' Would my desperate pleas be in vain? Would I be sent packing, my dreams shattered before they could even begin to be realised? The tension was thick. Syrah began whispering soothing words in Estonian to me, yet despite her best efforts, it would not calm my fragile nerves. "Dear God, please.. John.." I silently begged.

John immediately rolled his eyes, throwing his head back in a sarcastic gesture. "Oh, you know what Kate, don't even give me that crap. Esther bit you? And that must mean the god damn sky is green, too!" He rolled his eyes. "Nice story, Kate, really nice. Any others you'd care to share with me? Hmm? Did a flying pig pass by the window earlier?"

Kate was having none of his skepticism. She grabbed her husband by the shoulder. "LOOK! Bite marks! SHE…BIT…ME!" she shouted emphatically, waving her hand in his face. "Are you BLIND, John? Do you not see what she did? The evidence is RIGHT HERE!" Kate's voice shot up a couple of octaves as she desperately tried to bring her husband around to her side.

"Yeah, whatever you say Kate,'' John taunted. "And for what reason would that sweet little angel do something like that?"

Kate was becoming as red as a tomato. "I caught her out in the damn woods drinking my wine…She drank the whole bottle, John. The whole GOD DAMN bottle!" Ah, yes, Kate slipped up big as she revealed her dirty little secret. John crossed his arms and shook his head as he let out a laugh. I felt like doing the same, coming to the realization that luck may finally be on my side for once.

"You really have lost your mind, haven't you? Kate, I just want to be left the hell alone for the rest of the day. I really do. You're damn lucky that I'm not pressing assault charges,'' he said harshly. "And be grateful that I even made your damn bail, I could have left you rot in there for all I cared." John tried to walk away from the situation but Kate was quick to stand in his way.

She tried to shake him by the arms, her fingernails gripping his skin. I was sure it must have been painful for the poor man. "John, for the love of God PLEASE listen to me, I'm not lying. There's something wrong with Esther! I swear…I…I caught her drinking and…" Her words were becoming more frantic. Her breathing came in fast, erratic gasps. "Please, John, listen to me, LISTEN to me."

She wiped the sweat from her brow. "John, I know the story is hard to believe, I know it is, baby. But why would I lie? She was drinking and when I saw that I gave her the belt, John, I'm sorry but I had to punish her. And she…just lashed out and bit my fucking hand, I mean look at the damn thing!" John went into a laughing frenzy at his wife's jumbled story. Kate's face went from red to ashen pale in what seemed like an instant. She must have known that there was no way her husband was going to buy anything she said. Finally, I could breath again! The argument continued on, growing louder and more harsh by the minute.

"Kate, you must have one hell of an imagination to make something like this up. Maybe you should write a story about it and post it on the internet," John said, his sarcasm coming through crystal clear. "Yeah, in fact, why not set up a blog for women like you, women who blame their daughters for their own pathetic problems? I wonder how many followers you'd get!" he continued, sarcasm seeming to drip from every word. But he quickly became more serious towards his wife's machinations.

"Why on earth would you make up such a vicious story about our daughter? Has the alcohol killed all your brain cells already? After all she's been through, after all she's suffered, you make up this lie, and why? Because you don't want to take responsibility for what happened last night? Yeah, pin your problems on a nine-year-old girl instead. That'll just make things ALL better, now will it? You absolutely disgust me!" His voice was becoming louder and more pronounced.

Kate was left speechless , her stupid face showing her shock. John tried to walk past her but she continued blocking him at every chance. She began crying, clearly coming to the conclusion that her husband wasn't going to believe her, much to my amusement. Oh yes, score one for me. I felt the corners of my lips tug upwards in a cruel, yet delighted smile.

I covered my mouth and chuckled slightly before looking up at Syrah. "Stop laughing," she whispered harshly, her eyes narrowing at me, clearly not impressed by my change of behavior. "This is really serious. Stop it already and let's just stay out of this. Nothing about this is funny." My attention went back to the two former lovebirds.

"JOHN! LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE, DAMN IT! JUST LISTEN TO ME, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS!" Kate sobbed. "Why won't you believe me? Why? For Christ's sake, Esther BIT me! How hard is that for you to believe?" she asked brokenly, tears running like a river down her blotchy, red face. How ugly she looked in that moment. How truly hideous.

"What happened, Kate? Did the wine bottle break? Cut your hand on a piece of glass? I guess those sort of things happen when you're drunk," he barked accusingly. John turned his head towards me, his voice becoming softer and gentler, in the way a loving parent would talk to their "child". "Esther, honey? Why is mommy upset with you? Did something happen, Esther? Honey, you're not in any kind of trouble." In an instant I had my excuse. My brilliant acting techniques would once again be called into play.

"I don't know, daddy," I said sadly, bowing my head as though full of shame. Tears began making their way down my face. I could switch the waterworks on and off, after all. "Maybe…maybe because I told the cops last night about what mommy did to you and that's why she went to jail. She's been acting really mean to Syrah and I ever since she got home earlier. She's been calling us all these mean, nasty names and I don't know why." Wow! I was truly having my moment to shine! I almost had to remind myself not to smirk. Leena Klammer was back in control once more!

For John this was all he needed to hear. He turned to his wife in utter disgust. "You're so sick in the head, you really are. I think you need to be spending more time in Dr. Browning's office getting the help you need instead of picking on our little girl. Picking on a poor orphan child."

Kate opened and closed her mouth, like a fish out of water. She shook her head as she tried to find the right words to say. "Well you know what John, the hell with you then, one things for sure…ESTHER is going to see Dr. Browning. You can close your eyes and pretend nothing's wrong all you want but I know what she is capable of. I know it because I experienced it first hand!"

'No pun intended,' I thought amusingly. Kate met me with an angry stare once again. "Why are you standing there with Syrah?" Kate shouted, spittle flying from her mouth. "I'm telling you for the last time to get back in that corner and you better start walking NOW! You hear me? You'd better MARCH!" I stood frozen, unsure of how to react.

Like a true hero, John was immediately at my defense. "No, Esther…" John proclaimed, turning to give me a loving smile. "Daddy knows you've done nothing wrong. You can go off and play if you like. Don't listen to your mother. Mommy is just going through some things right now." Oh, what an understatement that was. 'Mommy' was certainly going through a LOT of things right now. All at the expert hands of yours truly.

Kate gritted her teeth. There was a wild and ravenous look in her eyes, it was something that I still remember vividly to this very day. I cracked a coy and mischievous smile at Kate, realizing that I was the victor and that there was nothing she could do about it. But Kate wasn't about to let John or the rest of us off the hook that easily.

"I see right through you, John," she began, letting out a whistling exhale through her teeth. She arched an eyebrow skeptically. "I know exactly why you're taking Esther's side over me. Hmmm? Oh, because guess what? We don't just have Esther, no, Esther brought a pretty young woman along with her." Kate pointed a stiff fingers at Syrah as her voice intensified. "Yeah, that's right you dirty rat, you cheating swine. Another female fuck toy for you to ride, isn't that right John? Hmm? And that's not something you want to lose, is it John? IS IT? How many times did that slut spread her legs for you? ANSWER MEEEE!"

I breathed in and out deeply, trying to soothe my frazzled nerves. How dare Kate talk about Syrah that way? Hearing such cruel, hurtful words directed at my kind-hearted big sister truly made my blood boil. Now there was no doubt in my mind that Kate was next on the chopping block, next on the guillotine.

John too had finally reached his breaking point. "SHUT UP KATE! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ESTHER AND SYRAH ALONE! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" His exaggerated body language was a true sign of how much frustration had built up inside of him. Syrah kept me tight to her body as we looked on in silence. Not only does she spit in Syrah's face, now Kate dared to call her a slut? The seeds of hatred and rage were truly being watered.

Kate, now beyond her frustrations, raised a quivering hand to strike John. He quickly grabbed hold of her wrist. "Let go of me you filthy bastard!", she screeched fiercely. The woman pulled and jerked but couldn't get free. John released her causing Kate to grab her throbbing hand. "Hit me again, Kate. Hit me one more time and I swear to God I WILL be pressing charges! Just try it! See what happens!" he threatened. It was clear that John wanted to diffuse the situation as he attempted to retreat from his wife.

"And so help me God, Kate. You BETTER not have hit Esther with a belt for any reason. Because if I ever see you hit that little girl, if you so much as tap her on the cheek…you better damn believe you're going right back to jail. And next time there will be no bail. There will be NO second chances, no, not anymore." John put a wagging finger to Kate's face, his expression stern. "And if you want to ruin your life with the bottle then go ahead. Do what you want, Kate, but don't drag Esther down with you, am I making myself perfectly clear?"

Kate wasn't going to admit defeat just yet. She clenched her fists by her side, breathing out deeply, her chest puffed out in boiling rage. "What the hell needs to happen, John? For Esther to lash out at you before you believe me? If you'd seen for a second what Esther did to me you would have sent her and her whore of a sister packing. But, no. Keep pretending there isn't any problem. Keep pretending what happened yesterday and today never happened. Yeah, build that wall around you, John. That's what you do best, isn't it?"

John silently passed by his wife, obviously not wishing for this to escalate any further. "Don't you walk away from me, John! You can't hide from the dirty little truth, can you? You can't walk away from this! YOU CAN'T WALK AWAY FROM THIS!" Kate quickly followed her husband as he tried to make his way up the stairs. A torrent of angry obscenities were rushing from Kate's vile mouth. Each profanity worse than the last.

John and Kate quickly disappeared out of sight as they made their way up to the second floor hallway. I tried to break free from Syrah to get in on the action but she was insistent on keeping me away. "I told you before, Leena. Stay out of it!" she insisted sternly, her grip on me now so tight it was almost painful. "Don't get involved," she chastised.

"But this DOES involve me. This involves both of us," I explained. I tried to make a dash to the stairs but Syrah, being more powerful, was able to keep me contained. She kept her arm wrapped firmly around my waist, trying to hold me back. I wriggled and twisted in her grip, but her stern look stopped me. I let out a low exhale, relaxing into my sister's arms. Once again, Syrah tried to reason with me.

"Leena, come on honey. Go take a seat on the couch and let's just stay away from that madness, okay? It's not going to benefit either of us to get involved." She was right, of course, as she so often is. What good would it do me to get involved in their fighting? It would only cause me more heartache, after all. No, for now I would sit and hold my tongue.

With a great deal of reservation I took my seat on the oversized sofa. I sank into the cushions as I tried to make out the words still emanating from upstairs. My thoughts once again drifted to that poor little girl caught in the midst of all this. "Poor Max…poor, poor Max," I told Syrah as she took her seat next to me. "No, she's going to see them fighting again." A lump formed in my throat at the thought of her witnessing another altercation. I wanted to do whatever it took to protect my daughter. She didn't need to be involved in any more fighting. Her fragile soul had been broken enough.

Syrah's lip quivered as she realized the truth of what I was saying. "And after all that effort we spent. Leena, I stayed up all night with that poor little girl. I can't let it happen again!" Like a flash, Syrah hurried after John and Kate before I even had the chance. Never one to stand still, I was just as soon to follow suit. Daniel stood just outside the doorway of his room as he watched in horror. Syrah placed herself between the two, as she became stern and adamant. Almost domineering, even.

"John, Kate, PLEASE listen to me! For the sake of your children, stop fighting! You're going to hurt them if they see this. The two of you, just stop, please. I care about your children and they don't need to be seeing this kind of behavior. We're not a pack of wild animals, damn it. If you want to fight then at least leave the house but not here, do you both understand me? NOT here! God damn it, both of you, enough is enough! I know tempers are hot but for the love of God, think of your kids. How will you explain this to them? Esther and I spent all night long comforting Max and now there needs to be more of this lunacy? Knock it the hell off already, both of you, now I mean it!"

John and Kate both seemed to take my sister's words immediately to heart. It was as if she had flicked on a switch in each of them. They were both instantly caught off guard by the sight of Daniel, still standing teary eyed in his doorway like a little bitch. He sniffled and shook, truly he had never seen his parents behave in such a way before. "How can you guys do that to each other?" he cried. "Why?" With a burst of tears he fled back into his room, the door slamming behind him. Befuddled, John and Kate looked at each other.

Both of them looked completely ashamed at their behavior. Syrah spoke up once again, taking full charge of the situation. "The two of you owe an apology to your children for how you behaved and it needs to happen right now. Do you know how much it hurt Esther and I to watch Max cry her poor little heart out? Do you know how hurt that little girl was?" My Syrah was beginning to tremble in her own pent-up rage, her fists clenched by her sides. "Do you even care about your children's feelings? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. So either you explain to them what happened or just stand there like two loads. I guess the choice is yours."

Syrah stormed away emotionally. I had to admire my sister at that moment. Max needed every comfort in the world at that difficult time and she sure as hell wasn't getting any of it from her own parents. Yet I was proud of my sister for standing up for her. Max was lucky that she had such a caring aunt. Daniel, of course, I could care less. Let the little bastard cry.

John and Kate turned to face me, then looked at each other. I could tell they were both feeling more than ashamed for their actions. "Esther," John started. "Esther, listen to us.. Mommy and Daddy.. we.." It was easy to see how much remorse the man felt for putting me through this. As for Kate, I could care less how she felt. "Sweetheart," John tried to reason with me.

I cut him off. "You two don't need to apologize to me," I said softly. "But another little girl needs to hear it instead." John and Kate remained in stunned silence as I departed. For all that happened the night before and on this trying day I remained intact and standing firm. And once again I was able to scurry out of a very sticky situation. But I was still troubled by how deeply I had hurt John and Max. I slowly walked downstairs again as my feelings began to nag at me. I almost half-wished to be back on that playground again. To have simply returned John's phone rather than having forwarded that awful picture. I wished I never had seen the damn thing in the first place. All of this trouble would have been completely diverted.

But still, I achieved one goal, and that was driving that deep and painful wedge between John and Kate. Yes, a high price was paid in order to do so, but it had been accomplished. But my victory was still a very bittersweet one. It would not quench the feelings of guilt that were weighing more and more heavily upon my tired mind. I wanted to tell someone the truth. I wanted to get what happened off of my chest because although John may have been asking for it by having those lurid pictures in the first place, Max was completely innocent in all of this.

'Should I tell Syrah? Should I let this burden off of my shoulders? No, no, don't worry her anymore, she's been through enough…but…I can't take this for another second.' I knew I had to do the "right" thing, if only for my own benefit. 'I need to tell her. It's time to come clean,' I told myself with a sigh. I searched around the house for a few moments, desperately wanting to spill my heart out. I soon spotted Syrah alone in the greenhouse, pacing aimlessly amongst the plants and other foliage, her heart and mind probably just as restless as mine own. Who was I to blame her?

I approached, only to stop in my tracks for a moment. My heart was playing every trick in the book to stop me from telling her the real story, that complete and terrible truth. But I forced myself into the greenhouse. It would be now or never. I met my sister near Jessica's ashes. I took my sister's hand. "You don't need to say a word if you don't want to, Syrah. I need no explanation for how you're feeling. We live in a mad, mad world, don't we?"

Syrah's eyes were half-shut, her depression and exhaustion were obvious as she stared blankly through the greenhouse glass. "Everything, Leena. Everything is going wrong it seems. I get spat on, you get beaten, we both had to endure the verbal abuse. And for what? All of this started over a damn photo. Something so simple can cause all this? I really am at a loss for words, Leena. I don't even know where things will go from here."

Even at the last second, I tried in vain to hold the secret in. Biting my tongue, biting my lip, screaming bloody murder from the inside to keep the truth hidden. No, I wasn't going to back out of it this time. I decided to bite the bullet and get this over and done with. I struggled not to stutter as I carefully measured every word.

"Syrah, do you remember all of the times that you told me that you and I should never keep secrets from one another? That no matter what, no matter how hard something is to speak about, that…well, you know, how we shouldn't keep it to ourselves? Do you remember that?"

Syrah nodded slowly, sadly. She turned her attention to me as I continued. "If I don't tell you this then the guilt's going to eat me up inside, it really is. And you're the only human being on this planet whom I can really trust with what I have to say." I stopped as I nervously eyed my sister, who was quietly reflecting, a finger folded underneath her chin. "Talk already. Say something, Syrah, please," I spoke anxiously. After what seemed like an eternity, she folded her hands neatly behind her back and began pacing slowly in front of me.

"Leena…Leena, dear, I know exactly what you're about to say. There isn't even really a need for you to utter another word. You sent that photo to Kate's phone, didn't you?" I was expecting her to throw a fit but I was surprised by her calm, collected demeanor. "I wasn't born yesterday, Leena. Come on now, you know me better than that. In fact, I was waiting for you to get that off your chest. You don't think I didn't figure out what happened already?"

My eyes wandered slowly to the ground. "I…I feel ashamed, Syrah. Believe me, I really, really mean that. This didn't have to happen."

Syrah remained completely composed like a proper woman should under pressure. That was just another one of the ways in which Syrah was a better person than I. That she didn't just lose her cool, even when faced with something like this. "Leena, honey. Just tell me one thing. Just why? Why did you go ahead and do something like that? Look at all the hell that's happened since last night. Leena, do you realize you put everybody in this house including you and I in serious jeopardy? That this family seems to be on the verge of collapse because of this. You know how Kate is, just please, for God's sake, tell me what possessed you to possibly do that? I'll be gentle with you if you just tell me the truth."

Now the cards were all out on the table. There was no need to hold back any details from my best friend and only true companion. "John, he dropped his phone and I found the picture. I never even knew if existed until yesterday." A moment of awkward silence followed my words.

"Well, come on now," Syrah reprimanded. "Come on now, Leena, don't tell me half the story, I want the full truth."

And the truth she would receive. "I came across that photo of Joyce Patterson by complete accident. You have no idea how enraged I became when I seen her standing naked in that shower, posing for John like some lewd whore. I felt like a woman scorned. I felt so dirty and betrayed. I wanted to wish so much that John was a man of strong morals, of strong commitment to those he loved. But what do you say when you see something like that? How was I supposed to judge his character from there on out?"

"But I'll get right to the point because I'm not going to hold any of this back. If it does it'll only do more damage. I didn't plan this out, Syrah. It…just happened, but please let me explain before you talk. I know I said that about a lot of things but you need to listen." Syrah gave a nod for me to continue

"When I sent that photo, I honestly just…I mean my only intention was to anger Kate and for nothing else. To just have a chance to drive that wedge between their relationship. To make them hapless and discontent with one another. You know, sister. You know how badly I want to break those two apart like a hammer hitting a stone. To tear up that marriage like a dirty rag. But no words can make you begin to realize, to truly and deeply understand how badly I want to lie in their marriage bed. What has happened has happened and there's no course of action that's going to change that."

"Is that the case, then?" Syrah shot back. "If you intended to anger Kate and to drive John and her apart then it's pretty damn obvious you knew he was going to get hurt in the process, if not physically then at least emotionally. Do you honestly believe you can drive John and Kate apart painlessly, like it's some simple little operation? You're not thinking clearly if you believe otherwise. But go on now, keep talking because I want to hear what else you have to say."

I quickly obliged her request. "But Syrah, I'll swear to the fact that never for a second did I intend for you or Max to become casualties in all of this. And poor John, do you really think I wanted to see him wind up in the emergency room? I never meant for it to get this out of control. Now it's a forest fire and I have no way of putting it out. It's all outside of our control now." Syrah crossed her arms, I could tell she was getting a little annoyed by my rant. She must have perceived of my excuse as being lame and half-hearted. A desperate attempt from a desperate woman.

"So, let me retort for a second," she began, looking down at me. "You did this because you wanted to drive those two apart? Okay.. I get you on that, Leena. I do. Still, could you possibly be THAT selfish? That cruel and reckless? You don't need to reiterate to me WHY you are in this house. Yes, you want John as your one and only one day and I understand that. But look at how high of a price that had to paid because of this madness? Think about all of the horrible outcomes that could have happened, besides from all the chaos that's happened already."

"Think about it, Leena. What if Child Protective Services were called in and little Max was taken away by the state? What if they came and took YOU? What if John was beaten into a coma? Can you imagine how much worse this could have been? What if John had taken his wife's side when he walked through the door? You don't think there wouldn't have been some serious consequences THEN? You stupid woman, this crap has got to stop, Leena. Yes, you know what, you drove a wedge between John and Kate but you drove a wedge between Max, a wedge between John, and another wedge between me."

Now I was beginning to feel deeply hurt. My plan had totally backfired, and once again I hurt my big sister, despite the many times I promised I would never do so again. Syrah quietly turned her back to me, arms still crossed. "It's…it's just hopeless now, isn't it? This whole grand idea of mine. I've set myself up for failure this time, haven't I? Who is Esther Coleman, after all? A child that doesn't even exist. A product of my own imagination. I know John loves Esther, but he'll probably never know or love Leena Klammer. I'm really starting to believe that."

Syrah rolled her eyes as she turned back to me. "I wish you would, Leena," she said. "I really wish you would believe that."

I sighed. "I never meant for this to happen, Syrah. Never meant for it to go this far. Do you not think I feel guilty over hurting Max? Do you not think it kills me to have heard her crying. It sent chills up my spine. My daughter, Syrah.. My daughter," I whispered, bowing my head as the shame took over. A lone tear creased it's way down my cheek, then another, then another.

Syrah was having none of it. "That's another thing, Leena. I know you love Max, believe me, I love her too, but you have to realise, she's not your daughter. She's Kate's. Nothing can change that, and it's something you just need to accept." She sighed, running a hand through her dark hair. "To Max, you're her big sister, not her mother. We can never be Mommy and Aunt Syrah to that little girl, no matter how much you may wish it could be that way."

"Do you think I don't know that, Syrah?" I retorted. I continued my morose lamentations, hoping I could sway Syrah to pity my plight. "You don't know how desperately I want to shed this façade and give myself over to John for whom I really am. If you only knew the contents of my heart you would not be so quick to judge me. I'm not wicked, Syrah, nor am I evil. I'm in love and maybe love causes me to do some terrible things, maybe I did what I did out of desperation but it is all for a much better cause in the end. Without love what is the point of my miserable existence?", I cried.

"You can speak as eloquently as you wish, Leena, my dear. Whatever your intentions were, it didn't change the fact of having to cradle poor Max for the entire night. It didn't change the fact that Kate was sent away in handcuffs and it didn't change the fact that John lingered restlessly in that hospital bed, now does it?" I nodded, such truer words had never been spoken.

Syrah gently took hold of my shoulders, I tilted my head up at her as she spoke. "You know I'll never stop loving you, Leena. No matter what, nothing will ever smother that love, but when you hurt another human being you only hurt me as well. I want you to always remember that. I don't doubt your feelings and I don't doubt that there is still tenderness and love and compassion within you but you frighten me to my core sometimes, Leena. You truly do. If not for your own sake, then for my sake please learn from what I am saying to you. For once in your life, please do."

The sudden sound of thunder from outside caught my attention as a late day storm brewed somewhere over the horizon. "Hmm, maybe somebody up there is as angry with me as you are, Sy Sy. Maybe today was just karma at work coming to pay me back for my sins. If that's the case then I shall consider this a lesson learned. But I thank you for listening and being there for me, Syrah. Who else can I turn to?" Syrah remained adamant and serious.

"You should thank heavens that you're not the one who has to suffer the most. You've disappointed me today, Leena. But I don't want to lose faith that one day you will come to your senses. That's the one thing I pray for every night. I ask God every night to give you insight and common sense. It is of no easy matter. But I still love you and I always will. What purpose is there to scorn you any further? Lord knows you received enough of it from Kate today. Now you better go wash up, it looks like I'll have to prepare dinner this evening assuming Kate will stay in hiding for the rest of the day."

She ended the conversation by giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead. "I still forgive you," she whispered. "Just.. just take it easy today, Leena. Okay? Just take it easy." She walked past, the long sleeve of her blouse gently caressing my skin. I was left to stand there as another crackle of thunder tore across the sky. I thought about our exchange of words. Was I really becoming hopeless? Maybe I was, maybe I was nothing more than a wishful thinker to ever hope of sharing a wedding ring with John. Maybe he would never see the woman hiding behind the ribbons, gauze and old-fashioned dresses. Maybe there was no hope for Leena Klammer. My mind was numb and my body aching, I didn't want to believe that.

I hurt Max, I hurt John, and I hurt myself. But then again, I'm always hurting. But I was still only too glad to have gotten the truth off of my shoulders. For that I feel I could give myself some sense of personal redemption. Still, the cost of my personal victory remained great and it was a debt I feel I would be most hard pressed to ever repay whether in this lifetime or whatever comes beyond. 'So be it,' I thought, 'Let the price be paid…if it means John's hand in my own and the golden ring of marriage placed lovingly around my finger. So be it.'

**In the next chapter, the long awaited meeting with Dr. Browning finally occurs in part one of a two part chapter. Please comment and follow. Stay tuned :)**


	50. Dancing With The Devil - Part One

**In the last chapter, John returned home only to be confronted by Kate with the allegations that Esther attacked her. Unconvinced, and much to Leena's relief, John refused to believe the story, convinced that Kate has returned to her alcoholic ways. Later, Leena reveals to Syrah the truth about the photo on Kate's phone and her role in causing the entire mess. Now we come to the day where Leena must come face to face with Dr. Browning.**

**Another big shoutout to NoComparison for her continual creative input on this chapter and this project as a whole. Look for Chapter 51 which will be written by her! Yes, I think she's THAT good and a great mind to help in developing this story…which shall now continue.**

Morning had come, having banished another dark winter's night. I sat nervously on the rustic little park bench that sat next to the pond out back. It was a peaceful setting, really. The kind where you could hear a pin drop if you wanted to. Something I would have been able to fully enjoy had it not been for the way I was feeling. I watched a family of ducks as they swam playfully in the water, a mother with several small chicks. I thought of how graceful they were in their natural beauty, each one of them perfectly content with what Mother Nature had given them. Of how the mother duck was all these babies had to nurture, love and protect them.

A wonderful and harmonious analogy to what a perfect family could and should be. The very reason I was in this house to begin with. I rested my chin on my hand as I watched the happy little family. 'This is what you're fighting for, Leena,' I reminded myself. 'I'll have a family as perfect as those little ducklings. But you have to go through the tough times first, you have to tough this out and keep running through the fire. Weakness is for cowards! Fear is for cowards!'

As true as those words were, they were still no remedy for the burning knots in my stomach, the anxiousness and worry rushing through my brain. The malcontent I was feeling weighed heavier by the second as winter's icy fingers wrapped tightly around my body with an unrelenting grip.

I anxiously played with the large black buttons on my overcoat, waiting for the inevitable, my appointment with Dr. Browning this morning. Kate had seen it as being so important, she was willing to take me out of school for the day to make it happen. How ironic it must seem for me to say with perfect sincerity that I would MUCH rather be in school at this moment than here. Yes, even Brenda and all her taunts were much more favourable to me than this visit to the doctor.

Even John had gone so far as to ignore his doctor's advice to stay in bed so he could be there with me. I was glad to have my future lover on my side. If not for anything else, then at least to help give me some comfort and moral support. Lord knows I would need plenty of both if I were to make it through the day.

But I guess I couldn't blame Kate completely for her decision. In her mind she surely didn't know what to expect from me after our violent altercation. The sweet, innocent little angel she first encountered at Saint Mariana's was quickly becoming a distant and faded memory. The charming little girl she had spent so many hours teaching piano to was fading into oblivion, giving way, ever so slowly, to the cruel, callous woman hiding underneath. All the make-up and ribbons in the world could no longer hide this fact.

I had taken the liberty of abusing Kate verbally, physically, and mentally. But I felt justified for my actions, as I always did when I hurt one of my enemies. Kate deserved everything she got, and much, MUCH more. Still, I couldn't deny what was in plain sight. That the genie was finally out of the bottle and there was no way of putting her back inside. But this genie of sorts was still a human being with real, tangible emotions. And my emotions truly warmed as I watched the mother duck and her chicks make their way out of the water and begin waddling along the edge of the pond, the tiny chicks following behind their mother in a straight line. It brought a sense of peace to my soul.

I tilted my head back as I looked up at the clouds. But suddenly my eyes stung as the sunlight grew more intense. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to let them adjust to the brightness. I almost wanted to keep them closed considering how heavy they felt. After all, I had only managed to grab a few precious hours of sleep over the last two days.

A sharp voice with it's rich Estonian accent suddenly breached the still air. "Esther! Esther! ESTHER!" Syrah trudged through the snow covered lawn, arms swinging by her sides, leaving a lazy trail of footprints in the snow as she walked.

"What's the hurry? Is it ten already?" I asked as she approached. I looked up at her, dressed formally in a blue skirt and white blouse, her black hair neatly combed back. Her conservative choice of dress almost reminded me of a school librarian. Syrah must have sensed my nervousness as she gave me a gentle, reassuring smile.

"Yeah, in a little while,'' she said, brushing a lock of hair from her eyes. She looked at me, her brow crinkled in worry. "But, Leena, honey, why did you just disappear like that after breakfast? You had me worried."

I sighed, averting her gaze as I looked down at my hands. "Because all I wanted was to be alone, Syrah. I just haven't felt like I had the time to put things into perspective since all of this…all of this madness began, you know?" Syrah took her perch next to me, draping her arm on top of the bench, listening intently to my words. "I haven't been able to lay down and get a good night's sleep. And now I have to deal with Kate's therapist this morning. I feel like a dog on a leash, I really do feel that way."

Syrah frowned, scooting a little closer. She pursed her lips into a thin line, seeming for a moment to be deep in thought. "You know something, Leena?'' she began after a moment's pause. ''You have NO idea how damn lucky you are. I mean John doesn't believe a single word out of Kate's mouth. Could you imagine for one second, I mean, I don't even want to think about it. Just, what would have happened if he believed in the truth? Like you said to me, you would have been sent packing. Don't ever take for granted what a lucky woman you are. But don't push your luck any further than you have to. It's like playing with a loaded gun, you'll never know when it will backfire on you. Just don't press it too hard, that's all I'm trying to say. Don't you ever do something so reckless and stupid ever again!"

I nodded at her words, playing with the hem of my coat, trying to find the right words to say. "I know, Syrah, I know. Kate doesn't care for either one of us anymore. She sees right through me and honestly I don't care about that, but I never meant for you to..'' I sniffed, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, ''never meant for you to be put in harm's way like that. When she spat in your face and called you a whore. That killed me inside." I bit down on my knuckles, trying to keep from becoming emotional. "I would never throw you under the bus like that. Never, my Sy Sy, you know this. I'm a piece of shit for letting it happen.''

Syrah was deep in thoughtful contemplation. She kept a soft, gentle voice, taking both of my hands into hers. She squeezed my tiny fingers reassuringly. "Listen, now is not the time for anymore tears. I've moved past that. I'm fine. The fact of the matter is that in a little while you're going to be sitting next to the Doctor. But you won't be alone, I promise, Klam Klam, come hell or high water that I'll be in the room right there next to you." I smiled softly, leaning back, Syrah's words lifting my spirits if only a little.

I pulled back from my sister, shifting from side to side, fiddling with a loose thread on my coat. A cold shiver ran up my back, yet I was unsure of whether this was from fear of what the day held, or genuine cold. But I'm betting it was the former. I looked down at my hands as I began to speak once more.

"Always there to take the weight off of my shoulders, aren't you, Sy Sy? We'll get through this together. But…I can't stop having these cursed flashbacks. The ones I had spoke to you so spitefully about. When I hear the word Doctor, I think of Dr. Varava and his staff. How they abused me, all the harsh, horrible things they said to me. All the things they.. did to me, day in and day out. How they stripped me of what little dignity and womanhood I had left for those six long years. I should've burned that hellhole all the way down to the ashes!" I said regrettably, my hands balling up into two tight fists.

Syrah brushed a lock of stray hair back from my face, a soft, loving look in her eyes. "Leena, honey, come on now. You and I know that Doctor Browning isn't going to mistreat you. You can't look at what happened in the past as an indication of what will happen in the future but, God knows I HATE saying this," Syrah heaved a deep sigh, running her hands through her hair, ''but if we're going to get past this doctor in one piece, you have to act completely and totally as Esther and I mean you better be as sweet as sugar, no matter how you may be feeling. We both have to make this work today. One slip up and we can both land in hot water. And remember what Kate said to us earlier, when the doctor asks about John's injuries, he got into a fight with a neighbor? Okay? And if she asks about our real parents we stay quiet. A little preparation and we'll pull through. Now calm down, Leena. I'm nervous, too. This will be over before we know it, my dear."

She patted my back gently, reassuring me that everything she said was the truth. My thoughts continued to move at a mile a minute it seemed. Worry upon worry piling up on me. The fear and trepidation becoming almost unbearable. I gritted my teeth. "Joyce Patterson, the catalyst behind this whole whirlwind of trouble, damn it, had I never seen that horrible picture…but no, I had to be fucking curious! I had to act like a fucking moron," I said in self-disgust.

Syrah rubbed circles into my back, trying to soothe me but she wasn't helping in making me feel any better. Still, I felt that in our solitude, I could get the answer to a question that had been haunting me for weeks.

Something that had kept the brow of my forehead moist with sweat on so many long and restless nights. The answer to which could make or break our relationship, could ruin the very dreams I had worked so hard to achieve. But I knew I had to ask if I were to put my mind at rest. I took a deep breath and looked up at my sister. It was now or never.

"I've been thinking about the affair that John had with Joyce and I've got to ask you something, Syrah. Now is not the right time but I've got to ask you this not because I distrust you, but…it's something that's wearing on me. And if I get the answer maybe it can help me sleep a little better from now on, you know?"

My sister immediately perked up, her interest heightened by my inquiry. "And what would that be?" she asked. My tongue stuck out slightly between my lips as I struggled to get the words out, almost half expecting to receive a slap on the cheek if I dared to bring it to her attention. Syrah smiled softly, a genuine concern in her eyes. "Come on now, Leena. You know you can ask me anything. Is there something wrong?" she chided gently. ''If there is, then tell me so we can make it better. Why so nervous all of a sudden?''

My voice became little more than a hushed whisper as I finally let it out. "I'll cut to the chase because there's no easy way to ask this. I'll speak frankly and to the point. Have you, you know, have you…um, have you slept with John?" I instantly leaned away from my sister, expecting an unfriendly reaction. She was caught off guard alright, her eyes widening, glazing over in shock. It instantly became a very awkward moment for the both of us. Her lower lip trembled as she looked into my searching eyes, oh how they yearned for an answer already!

Finally she spoke in her defense, calmly and keeping her cool. Just as a dignified woman should. "And what in God's name would make you think that I slept with John?" she asked in a quiet tone of voice, her body seeming to tense up. She arched an eyebrow, folding her arms across her chest. "Leena, answer me please. What would make you think that I've slept with John?"

There was no denying the stern tone in her voice. I fidgeted uncomfortably before speaking. "I'm not going to beat around the bush. I've seen him flirting with you, Syrah. You and I both know that he wants to be intimate with you. Such a beautiful woman as yourself around his raging hormones. It's like giving a dove over to a rabid dog." Syrah's eyes widened, and the realisation of my words hit me. Had I really just said that? I was stunned by my own words as if I had been struck by a bolt of lightning. I shook my head, giving a shaky laugh, trying to diffuse the situation. "You know what, forget that I even asked. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry."

But Syrah wasn't about ready to let go just yet. Her eyes narrowed as she stared intently at me. "Yes, Leena, he's flirted with me. But I've never even so much as kissed him. Why do you think I try to avoid being alone with him?"

I was quick to answer her question. "I don't know. Maybe because you find him as attractive as I do." Syrah was taken aback by my bold response. Her chest heaved up and down as she began breathing heavily, almost as if she were on the verge of a panic attack.

Her mouth hung wide open, her eyes becoming like two glassy saucers. "I can't believe the words that are coming out of your mouth, sister. That you would even want to accuse me of such a thing. I mean, yes, he's attractive and yes, I, um, I do think about him in a certain way but…"

I cut her off before she could finish her sentence, holding my hands up in defence. "Syrah, now don't get me wrong here, I don't want to cause any friction between us. I know that came from out of the blue but…I mean, would you sleep with him? Seriously, did you? On my honor I won't tell another soul." I prayed the answer would be no. I honestly didn't know what I would do if she said yes. How could I live if my sister HAD been intimate with John?

My sister looked at me in bewilderment. "It didn't happen and it never will, Leena. He tried to kiss me already, twice, but I wasn't about to give myself over in a moment of weakness. You know me better than that, honey. That question was really uncalled for." She turned her head away from me, seeming to be more than just a little pissed off. My eyes widened in disbelief. He tried to kiss her? Now that lit a fire under my ass!

I decided to delve a little deeper. I cocked my head ever so slightly. "You said you think about John in a certain way. How? Sexually? As your lover?"

Syrah was beginning to grow angrier. She gritted her teeth and shoved a finger in my face, causing me to flinch. "Now that's enough, Leena! I think of him as a good friend and NOTHING more! This needs to stop right now, do I make myself clear? There's no reason for this. Why do I need to answer such questions? Am I on trial? Don't you dare accuse me of doing anything that I know I am perfectly innocent of." I had obviously hit a sore spot with her that I didn't intend to.

"I didn't know you would be so sensitive about it. Syrah," I began to plead, reaching out to clasp her hand in mine. She forcefully pulled her hand away from me. I couldn't afford to have her stewing in anger. I needed my sister on my side, especially today more than anything else. "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything wrong. Please don't stay mad at me. I'll drop it if that's what you want."

She stared at me in continual disbelief for an uncomfortable moment. Then she sighed, resting her chin on her palm as she shook her head softly. "Fine, but let's just leave it at that. Just because he flirted with me a few times doesn't mean that anything else went down. You know that I have a strong moral compass. I would never betray this family like that. It is simply plain wrong for you or anyone else to say or think otherwise. Today is not the time and place for us to be talking about this. We have this appointment to deal with and that's enough stress on our plates. Why would something like that even cross your mind at a time like this?"

I exhaled deeply, my breath condensing in the chilly air. "I only asked because of what happened with Joyce. He's going to keep pursuing you, Syrah. I'm not blind and dumb. But you're right, you do have strong morals. More so than I…"

I was unable to finish my sentence for Syrah had had enough of my ruminations. "I'm asking you nicely one last time to simply DROP IT! You're really getting under my skin with this. Sometimes I think you're becoming paranoid, Leena. It's inappropriate and uncalled for to grill me like that. Do you understand? I don't deserve that kind of treatment." I wanted to dig deeper but I would wisely stay muted on the matter for the time being.

But despite what my sister said, I knew she was holding back from me. I knew there were dirty little secrets that were yet to be revealed. The innocent flirtations I had witnessed between the two were sinking in thick. All signs indicated that John and Syrah were harboring romantic inclinations towards one another. Sure, they may not have slept together, yet. But I knew better than to simply believe that there was nothing wrong. I had treaded down the well worn path of love for many years and with many men. I knew of the wandering and lustful eye that John must have placed upon my sister. A lustful eye that I felt belonged only to me. But alas, I tried my best to push it out of my brain. My heart was already burdened enough with every cruel emotion that a human being could feel.

Syrah pulled out her phone and checked the time. "It's five to ten. We need to get going." I tried to move but my body felt as if it were made of stone. My sister had to help me to my unsteady feet, knees trembling in fear as I stood upright. All of my thoughts were now directed back to the meeting that was about to occur. With great trepidation, I dragged my snow shoes through the heavy slush, each step taking more and more effort. Each step taking me a little closer to what I felt would be my certain doom. When would the sky of my soul see another sunny day?

"I feel like a common criminal going to the gallows," I griped, taking Syrah's hand in my own as I looked up at her.

"Leena, try to clear your head. This is going to be over and done with very shortly,'' Syrah said. ''Just take it easy and everything will be okay.'' I could only hope to God she was right, and that we would make it out of that office safely. We made our way towards the front of the house, and were quickly confronted by Kate. The first thing I noticed was her heavily bandaged hand, the one that I had torn into like a wild hyena. It hung limply from her wrist, a true memento of the unceasing rage that I held for the woman. She was lucky I hadn't done worse. Lord knows that I wanted to.

Her eyes were mean and callous, something you might call "The Evil Eye". But Syrah and I refused to allow ourselves to be intimidated by the wretched creature.

"You two, into the car!" she ordered begrudgingly, pointing a finger to the door, as if Syrah and I were two stupid imbeciles who wouldn't know where the car was. Kate seemed to have taken on the role of a sadistic Drill Instructor instead of being a mother. John, moving as slow as a slug, soon joined her side. He appeared to be weak and pale, a pathetic and dire apathy seeming to surround him like an aura. No doubt he was an unwilling participant in today's activity. Syrah and I made our way to the SUV, a wicked wind from the east stinging our skin and blowing our hair back as if nature herself were warning us to turn around.

Into the back seat, I moved several stuffed animals out of the way, undoubtedly belonging to my Max. At least she seemed to have cheered up a little in these past few days. I placed the stuffed toys into her empty car-seat as I buckled myself up.

Syrah climbed in next to me. Kate was muttering something incomprehensible underneath her breath as she got into the driver's seat, slamming the door hard. It was pretty clear that her reservoir of anger was far from being exhausted. It took John a few moments for him to do likewise, it was infuriating how his wife refused to help the man she had so brutally accosted.

John sunk back into his seat, placing a hand over his forehead. I felt both so proud and honored that he was going through the trouble of being in my corner on this trying day, even if it may have been at Kate's behest. I couldn't wait until the day I could properly show him my gratitude for all that he had done for me. For the day that I could show him what a REAL woman, a REAL lover was.

"He deserves SO much better than you, Kate," I thought maliciously. "You drag me to a doctor for some interrogation, you filthy bitch. Your days are numbered, your countdown has begun! And I'm going to show you exactly what kind of daughter I can REALLY be!" I stared at the back of her stupid little head as she pulled out of the driveway. I almost wanted to broadcast my malicious intentions deep within her tiny brain.

But now I was trapped in the vehicle as we went about our way. No avoiding the inevitable. Syrah and I turned to one another, but we both instinctively knew it would be wiser not to speak. She held my hand again, gently caressing it. I knew she would be strong enough for the both of us. She was always the stronger sister and I knew I had to tap into her strength if I stood a chance at keeping my frail sanity before the day was out.

The uncomfortable silence was mercifully brief before Kate opened her damn mouth. "Remember about daddy, Esther, and this goes for you too, Syrah. He got into a fight with a neighbor and that's going to be the story. Understood? Doctor Browning doesn't need to know about everything."

Syrah and I were annoyed, but we nodded stubbornly. Anything to shut the bitch up for the rest of the ride. My sister suddenly leaned over, whispering into my ear in Estonian, "Believe me, honey. I'm just as sick of her as you are," she teased. Perhaps Syrah thought it would be wise to speak in our native tongue but Kate was having none of it.

"If you having something to say, Syrah, you say it in English. You're in America now and you're under my roof" she barked, slamming her hand against the steering wheel in emphasis.

'I swear to God, Kate, you make one more damn smart ass remark to my Sy Sy, you won't know what hit you,' I thought, gripping my sister's hand tighter. Kate gave Syrah a sharp glare, her eyes showing the foul contempt she held for my sister.

"Oh, Kate, DON'T START! Just leave the poor woman ALONE!" John moaned miserably. ''We have enough to be dealing with today without worrying over what language she's speaking. Just leave it, alright?''

Kate turned her attention back to the road. ''You know how to speak English, Syrah. I would expect you to do so.'' The bitch just had to get the last word in, hadn't she?

My sister knew better not to talk back. Righting herself, she acted as if nothing had happened. But her eyes spoke volumes without her saying a single word. She became slightly flushed, feeling a tad humiliated by Kate's scolding. Our journey continued in silence. Ten minutes went by which quickly turned into twenty. It might as well have been eternity for all I cared. But soon enough came the time when we finally arrived at our destination.

Just outside of town, at the end of a long winding road that came down from the mountains, was a small parking lot with a tiny strip mall located within. Kate pulled up to a nondescript red brick storefront that advertised psychiatric services. The office, "Eastern Connecticut Community Mental Health", was emblazoned on the glass storefront, which was covered discreetly with a dark green curtain.

I could feel the beads of sweat beginning to form on my brow. Every fiber of my body was screaming for me to jump out of the vehicle and run away and never turn back. If it weren't for the boundless love and strength that Syrah had given me then that would likely have been the case. I slid out of the vehicle. The sound of the car doors closing filled me with a sense of finality about what was going to happen. As I had mentioned to Syrah, this felt like I was being led to the gallows to be brutalized and killed like a common criminal. There might as well have been a priest behind me administering the Last Rights.

John and Kate led the way inside while Syrah placed her arm around my shoulders, keeping me close. We followed in after them, slowly and with great hesitation. I could feel my body wanting to give way and buckle under all of the pressure. John and Kate went up to the receptionist to sign me in, which might as well have been the same as signing my death warrant. My sister hung her coat up before her and I took a seat in the otherwise empty waiting room. 'God, kill me now!' I thought. What I wouldn't give to simply close my eyes and to open them again, only to find myself lying comfortably within the warmth of my bed. To have this whole ordeal amounting to little more than a mere nightmare. But this day was no mere byproduct of my imagination. I had to swallow the bitter pill and accept my fate.

Syrah picked up an issue of Time magazine and began flipping through the pages. Kate was busy filling out some paperwork at the front desk. I could almost hear my heartbeat as it thundered within my chest. I felt nauseated, ever so sick to my stomach. I grabbed nervously at the fabric of my skirt. "Honey, don't you think you should take your coat off?" Syrah asked. Obediently, I removed that heavy garment and neatly folded it in my lap.

"You're coming in with me, Sy Sy?" I asked in my increasing sense of paranoia. "You swear that you're not going to leave me alone in there?"

My sister was ever so caring as she tried to give me her reassurance. "Leena, we discussed this already. The last thing I want for you to do is to sit across from that doctor and crack into a million pieces. But I would be lying to you if I told you that I'm not scared. Leena, just hope for the best."

Yes, she was scared. That frightened little glint in her eyes, the trembling of her hands, damn it! She HAD to stay strong for the both of us. She was the only person I had in a time of crisis such as this. The only lifeline I could truly rely on. For her to fail me now and to be left to my own devices would be devastating, absolutely catastrophic.

"Syrah, Dr. Browning is a woman who is trained to see through people's lies," I whispered. "To see through the walls that people build up around them. That's what makes me want to throw up. Who knows what she may find out? Believe me, the doctors at Saarne had a way of breaking people down. Oh God, she's going to see right through this idiotic ensemble of mine."

Syrah tried to steady her nerves, switching her words from English into Estonian. "I told you before that she is going to be nothing like what you experienced in the past. Listen, it's like this. You're going to go into that office, Leena. You and I are going to play the Esther card for all it is worth and you're going to be as sweet as sugar, just as I said before. You have no idea how reluctant I am to have to lie to yet another person about you. But neither of us have a choice anymore. We're at the top of the mountain and we have no other choice but to climb down, do you understand me? And, just God forbid if you have to start coming here every week. I hope Kate lets it go after today but something tells me that's wishful thinking, Leena. Be prepared for that."

That caught me for a curve ball. I tilted my head back as I let out a low exhale. ''Dont,'' I started, feeling myself start to quake and tremble, '' don't even talk like that, Syrah. I don't even want to think about it. I hope I get to see this bitch for one time and that I'll never have to lay eyes on her again." I snatched a newspaper from the pile of magazines lying on the side table in front of us. Kate and John took their seats across from us. I dared not to give even the slightest gaze to either one of them. How I wished I would become invisible and just disappear. I felt as if the entire world was watching me, placing their full burden upon my tired body.

"Remember this at least," Syrah said. "We've both been through a hell of a lot worse than this. Come on, hopefully this will be peanuts compared to the tribulations we've faced. If you're not self confident then this is going to be a lot more difficult than it has to be." I puckered my lips, trying to envision what kind of questions she would be asking of me and of all of the different ways under the sky in which I would respond.

"Sy Sy, have you ever heard of the phrase 'loose lips sink ships'? That's all it will take. One slip of the tongue and I'm sunk. And we're BOTH sunk. God, I can't bare another second of this! I'm getting too old for this shit anymore!"

I began rocking in my chair anxiously, grinding my teeth from side to side. My muscles shivered uncontrollably. I was doing my best to hide my fear. "Is everything okay, Esther?" John asked in a concerned, albeit worn tone of voice, his worry showing on his tired features.

"I'm just a little nervous, that's all," I replied in a shy voice. ''I hope the doctor likes me.'' I tried to make myself sound as innocent as was humanly possible. I didn't want to give the man any inkling as to the hell his wife was putting me through right now. He had enough to worry about the way it is.

"Doctor Browning is a wonderful person", he said. "I'm sure the two of you will get along just fine. There's nothing to worry about." Well that was easy for him to say now wasn't it? This felt like a worst case scenario. And ALL of it could have been completely avoided. If only I had just left John's damn phone where it was and NOT gone snooping through it like an idiot. But there was no turning back the hands of time now. Now they ticked inextricably towards whatever fate that lied in store for me.

Seconds turned into minutes. It wasn't long before half an hour had come and gone. 'What the fuck is taking so long?' I griped, wanting to tear apart the room from top to bottom. This felt like an extended torture session. Was fate simply playing some sort of cruel game on me? My sister and I didn't deserve this!

Finally…it was time. A young woman with platinum blond hair opened the door leading to the back office. "Esther Coleman", she read off of a clipboard. I tried to struggle to my feet, feeling as if I weighed a thousand tons. I struggled awkwardly for a moment before finally forcing my body to bend to my will. Syrah stood too, her hand readily in mine.

"Remember, honey, I'm right here with you the whole way,'' she said softly. "We'll make it through this before we know it. It'll be finished just like that." I gave a passing glance towards Kate. She briskly turned her head away from my gaze as if she wanted nothing more to do with me. The feeling was mutual, not that I gave a damn to begin with. Syrah gently pushed me forward. It was do or die at this point.

"And you are?" the attendant asked, looking at my sister, an arm folded underneath her clipboard.

"Oh, my apologies. My name is Syrah Klam…I mean, Syrah Ivanovitch." I cringed at the mistake, she knew better than to use our real last name. She quickly regrouped over her error. "I'm Esther's sister you see, she's just a little unnerved today with it being her first appointment with the doctor and all. I thought it would be best if I could be with her during her therapy session if that won't cause any problems. Just to keep her comfortable."

The attendant eyed the two of us for a moment, almost in an obnoxious manner. How I wished i could just crack her in the fucking jaw. I was willing to lash out at anyone at this point. Still, I managed to hold my sweet, innocent facade in place. ''Very well, right this way, please." What a relief! I would've refused to take another step had my sister been turned away by the bitch.

I examined my surroundings as she led us down a long, white corridor. Everything seemed so sterile and clinical. So barren and lifeless. Would it hurt to make this place a little more inviting? "Last door on the left. Right over there, see? The one that's open down there?" She pointed to what might as well have been the entranceway to hell. Syrah thanked the lady as she made her leave.

I gave my sister a hard stare. "Klammer? You almost said it! Ivanovitch, remember, it's Ivanovitch. Not now, Syrah, don't blow this for me yet!"

Syrah leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Okay, Leena, let's just let that little slip up go. Let's each take a deep breath and remember how we rehearsed this. Remember that the doctor cannot read our minds. She can only read from us what we allow her to. Now let's go and make a good first impression. You're an expert at that, Leena. If you weren't good with first impressions than you wouldn't be with the family to begin with. Come on now, there's no use delaying the inevitable."

Those words of encouragement gave me the last boost I desperately needed to overcome my fears. Syrah instinctively took the lead, almost dragging me by the hand in her haste to get this over and done with. A gentle knock before she poked her head through the door. "Is this the office of Doctor Browning?" she inquired.

The voice of an older woman responded. "Ah, yes, yes, please come in…and you are?"

"Syrah Ivanovitch, but…Esther please come in here." With one final push of courage I made my way inside, nearly stumbling over my own feet. I absolutely refused to even so much as look at the doctor let alone greet her. I shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, looking down at the ground as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Maybe I believed that if I focused on the carpet hard enough that this would all simply go away.

Syrah placed her hands on my shoulders, urging me gently forward. "I'd like you to meet my little sister, this is Esther Coleman. Don't mind if she's a little shy, she'll just need a change to warm up to you. Esther, why don't you say hi to the nice lady?" she cooed gently. Oh, the fact that Syrah would talk down to me like a child, it chilled my blood. But I knew it was all just part of her act, and for that she was blameless.

I stepped forward, extending a limp hand, bowing my knees in curtsy to the woman. I gave her a cold, weak handshake. I had no intentions of "warming up" to her anytime soon as my sister implied. "It's a real pleasure to finally get to meet you, Esther. My name is Doctor Cynthia Browning. I must say that it's very exciting to get the opportunity to meet the both of you. Please, please sit down and make yourselves comfortable." I knew this was not getting off to the best of starts but I had to navigate this situation ever so carefully. "Just give me a moment or two," the doctor said as she shuffled through a manila folder. It was taking everything to suppress those horrible flashbacks of the doctors at the Saarne Institute. The last time I sat across from a psychiatrist was in a fucking straight jacket!

I looked around the elegantly appointed room in an attempt to distract myself. It was obvious that the doctor enjoyed making a great first impression upon her patients, something I felt that I had already failed to live up to. Her various degrees were hung proudly on the left wall for all to see. 'She went to Harvard School of Medicine?' I thought as I read the diploma. Truly she would be a tough one to have to deal with. The fresh flowers sitting beneath her diplomas gave off a pleasant aroma, helping me to maintain my calm exterior. I tried to control my breathing and heartrate as the doctor got some papers together. After what seemed like forever, her preparations were complete.

"There really is no problem with me being here during the therapy session?" Syrah asked. I glanced nervously at the doctor. I would turn and run right out of the building if she told Syrah to leave. No way in hell I was going through this without her.

"No, in fact the best form of therapy occurs when family is involved. We haven't even begun yet and I can easily tell how much you care about your little sister. That always helps in the therapy process. In fact, consider yourself a patient as well. The things that Kate had told me about your situations. It would be best that you seek help as well, Syrah…" The doctor scooted her chair forward and picked up her pen. "And what is your last name again, Syrah?" the doctor inquired. I tensed, remembering how Syrah had almost slipped up those few moments earlier.

"Ivanovitch,'' Syrah said. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Doctor Brownig scribbled the information down. ''Ah yes, you have to forgive me. I have so many patients and there are only so many hours in a day."

Syrah's curiosity was beginning to peak. "Doctor Browning…" The doctor cut her off immediately.

"Please, Syrah. Just call me Cynthia" she insisted with a wave of her hand.

"Ah, um, yes Cynthia. I don't mind being a patient of yours myself, especially if that will help my little sister. But what gets to me is…well, can you tell me exactly what Kate had to say about my sister and I? I'm just curious to know about anything that was said. Anything negative? Just anything that you feel I should know."

The doctor nodded understandably. "Please, one thing at a time. We will cover all the bases as we get to them. Let us try and take it slow for the time being." The doctor then turned towards me. "But Esther, please keep in mind that your mother wants us to meet every two weeks."

There was no way in hell that she just said that! My worst fears were confirmed in the blink of an eye. My heart sank. My mind became a garbled mess of negativity. Confounded and dumbstruck, I was forced to absorb this far too quickly. This wouldn't be a one time thing? My legs trembled uncontrollably. A tingle ran up the length of my spine, seeming to tease me without mercy as it reached my brain. And there was no Plan B for dealing with this. Syrah looked over at me, I could tell she was feeling my pain. But I barely was given a moment's notice to regroup myself before the interrogation began. Because that's what I considered it, a forced interrogation. I might as well have been tied to a torture rack.

"Now for some preliminary questions that I would like to ask,'' the doctor began in earnest. Esther Coleman, nine years old, am I correct?" Syrah and I nodded. "And Syrah, how old are you?" That question was like a jolt of high voltage electricity coursing through my veins. 'Please don't say 39, please don't say 39,' I silently pleaded, looking at her with beseeching eyes.

"I'm 25,'' she replied plainly. Doctor Browning scribbled the information into her notes. "16 years age difference" the doctor said in mild surprise. We had barely walked through the door and have already given her a couple of little white lies already. And so far she seemed to be buying into them like a pathetic little fool.

"Do either of you take any sort of medications or have any sort of allergies that I should know about?"

I shook my head. "I'm not taking anything," Syrah said. "I usually get allergies during the spring time, though. Nothing major, just a little bit of hayfever."

Yes, we were smooth sailing so far. "And neither of you have had any major surgical procedures or health problems?" the doctor inquired further. Again, we both verified that we were perfectly healthy. And wow, what a hard time I had saying THAT with a straight face! After all, I'm pretty sure she hasn't met to many 30-somethings trapped within a child's frail body.

Doctor Browning slid on a pair of eye glasses as she made her notations. She was a heavyset woman in her late 50's or early 60's. Her round, wrinkled face was highlighted by her heavy cheeks that seemed to be hanging down due to her late age. Her brown hair was light and curly, not yet having turned to grey. You could call her a grandmotherly type of figure. A person most would categorize as sweet and caring. I, on the other hand, considered her to be the Inquisitor, not much set apart from the torturers of the Spanish Inquisition. Somebody sent to force every last tainted secret from out of my grasp.

"How long do these sessions last?" my sister asked frankly. It was obvious she wanted to high tail it out of here as desperately as myself.

"Usually a half an hour but since today is mainly to gather some basic information on Esther and yourself, it may be less." The doctor smiled slowly. "If I may be so straight forward, I just love your accents when speaking. It's so pleasant to the ears. What country do you come from?"

Syrah answered before I had the chance. "We are from Estonia." I almost fell out of my chair. No, she did NOT say Estonia! I felt my heartbeat quicken to the point where I felt I was in danger of an imminent heart attack. I broke out in a cold sweat. My eyes darted back and forth. No escape! WHAT HAD SHE JUST DONE?

"Hmm", the doctor mused. "Kate told me that the two of you are from Russia." My heart stopped dead in it's track. All eyes were on Syrah. NO! NO! NOOO! This was completely inexcusable. My sister's eyebrows fluttered uncontrollably, having realized the grave error she had made. A nervous twitch seemed to overtake her left arm as she struggled to find the "right" answer. I felt like I was about to piss myself right then and there.

She finally let out a forced chuckle as she gathered her words. "What am I talking about? Forgive me, I'm sorry, yes we are from Russia. It's just that when I was young we had relatives in Estonia that I stayed with for a number of years while I was growing up. It's really something we can get into later if you like. I'm just scatter brained this morning. That's all it is."

Sure, Syrah had used our cover story but what use is a cover story if you blow the damn secret in the first place? Doctor Browning seemed frozen, her eyes fixated on my sister. She played with the pen in her hands for a moment before continuing with more note taking. 'Oh, shit! She isn't buying this!' I thought in desperation. 'What the fuck is she writing anyways?'

I began patting my hands on my lap incessantly, trying to make it from one excruciating moment to the next. The doctor was quick to notice my discomfort. "There's nothing to afraid of, dear. I promise I won't bite!" She gave a tired chuckle at her stupid remark.

'No, but I certainly can,' I thought with grim malice. 'And do far worse than that, too.' I was so pissed off at my sister by that point that I could care less about what the doctor had to say.

"Esther, your mother wanted me to talk to you today because she's told me that she is very worried over some of your behavior." I sunk into the leather chair, wanting to slink as far away as I could carry myself. I refused to answer her. There would be no throwing any fuel on the proverbial fires. They were burning bright enough already!

"Esther, I know that we just met, but I have a feeling we're going to become very good friends. Whatever you say in this room will NOT get you into trouble, young lady. I'm not here to be mean to you or to judge you. Esther, I know it's going to take a lot of time to open up about certain things and that's perfectly fine. Perfectly understandable." I couldn't resist the urge to grab a Kleenex from off of the table to wipe away the endless beads of sweat. I could feel it begin to seep into my clothing.

"I…yeah, there's…things I don't want to talk about." My voice was barely above a whisper, hollow and monotone. I looked shyly down at my hands.

"And I completely understand that. But we do need to start somewhere, shall we? Let me see. Why don't we start off with school. Esther, how are things going for you there? Do you like school? Are there any friends there that you like to play with during recess? Is this something you would like to talk about?" I would give anything to break the neck of this withered old prune. Just anything to rip her mouth right off of her tired, worn out face.

But I had to remind myself that I was Esther. I HAD to play the part, but the woman within me wanted to completely explode on this old hag sitting across from me without a care in the world. I wanted to become a stick of dynamite and blow this office straight to hell. This old bitch who thought she cared about me. If only she fucking knew.

I spoke in a matter of fact manner. "I have no friends at school, everyone picks on me because of the way I dress and the way I act. My sister is my only friend. I don't like to talk about it very much." I dug my fingernails into the armrest. I could feel my mind entering survival mode.

"I see," the doctor said. "So I'm going to say that you don't like school too much. Your mother told me that you're getting good grades and that you're very intelligent. That has to make you feel proud of yourself?" I shook my head slowly, refusing all attempts at eye contact.

"I have nothing to feel proud of,'' I replied. God, how dirty I felt being interrogated like this by a damn stranger. How dirty it was to have to pretend to be this fucking child. This pathetic excuse for a child, pathetic Esther Coleman, the girl who everybody hates and preys upon. I wanted to cry out in frustration but that would have to wait until later.

"Come on, now. That's no way to feel about yourself. Esther, do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? Anything you like to do to make you relax?" Damn, that list was awfully short but I decided to take each question in stride, giving as little information as possible.

"I paint, I draw, I spend time with Max and Syrah. After school and on the weekend. " Yes, keep the answers short and sweet. I cringed and recoiled at "Cynthia" as she nodded like a damn bobble head with every answer to her questions. I imagined myself violently reaching over that desk and cutting that head of hers clean off her spinal cord.

"And what kind of things do you like to paint and draw, my dear? Mommy and daddy? Your little sister? Your big sister?"

I rolled my eyes, having finally had enough. "I really don't want to talk anymore,'' I said, straightening my posture. It took all my willpower not to glare at this woman.

Cynthia cocked her head slightly. "And why not, Esther? Don't you like me? Did I say something wrong?" That voice of hers, that damn voice talking down to me. How utterly reprehensible! It was taking me to the edge of what I could tolerate. Here I was, a 33 year old woman being talked down to like a petulant child. It boiled my blood.

"I just don't want to talk right now! Okay?" Cynthia seemed to resign herself to my refusal. Syrah was staying as stiff as a board, neither moving nor trying to intervene.

"Very well, then. I know it's very difficult to tell those sort of things to somebody you just met. But all I am trying to do is get to know you better so that I can help you. I want to make sure you get the help that you need, Esther. I hope you will feel more comfortable when we meet again." The doctor folded her hands on the desk and turned her attentions towards Syrah.

The doctor's almost whiny voice suddenly changed as if she were talking to an adult, not that she wasn't the whole damn time in the first place. "Syrah, I would like to speak with you today if that is at all possible." I screamed in my mind for Syrah to say no.

"Sure, I have no problem with that," she responded. Fuck! Why did she have to prolong this misery any further? I tapped the floor anxiously with my foot, arms folded coldly across my chest, my head turned to the side as I fidgeted ever more uncomfortably in the interrogation chair. Yeah, I'm going to keep calling it an interrogation, so sue me! The doctor pretended to ignore my callousness that I was directing towards her. I wanted more than anything for that woman to know just how I felt about being forced to share my life and feelings with her. She was sticking her nose where it did not belong.

"I'm glad you're willing to take the time today, Syrah. I appreciate it dearly,'' the doctor said. "Now Syrah, how long have you been in America?" she asked.

''Oh, it's been a couple of months now. I'm trying to get Permanent Resident status, I have no intentions of returning to Russia."

Cynthia slowly leaned back in her chair. "And if I may ask, and I know this may sound silly, but what was your main reason for moving to America?"

Syrah extended her hand towards me, smiling, a kind and gentle look in her eyes. "To be here with my sister Leena…"

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. She gave the doctor my REAL name! Dear God, when was this going to end?

**In the next chapter, the therapy session continues with Syrah trying to explain the identity of ****Leena to an increasingly suspicious Doctor Browning. But what will happen to Esther when the doctor sees something she absolutely shouldn't when she tries to give Esther a physical exam. Can Syrah and Leena find a way to make it work out for them or will the doctor's suspicions be the cause for action to be taken?**

**This is a big milestone with 50 chapters! I'm proud to provide these to the fans! Thanks to Lovely Linda, NoComparison and to everyone else who has helped make this project a reality! As always…review, favorite, and follow!**


	51. Dancing With The Devil - Part Two

**A note from F.A. D'Laurentis - This chapter was written in it's entirity by guest author NoComparison. I have only added my own slight editorial changes where deemed necessary. This is the longest chapter so far in the series and I hope you enjoy her writing style as much as mine. Thank you.**

**In the last chapter, Leena was taken to Doctor Browning's office as a result of the incident in the forest. Syrah soon came to join her, and things took a turn for the worse when Syrah made the mistake of calling Esther by her real name.. The session with Doctor Browning continues unabated...**

I could hear my heart thudding, jack-hammering repeatedly in my chest. Bile rose in my throat, but I pushed it down with a gulp. A shudder ran up the base of my spine, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge. This couldn't have happened. It had to be in my imagination. Syrah couldn't have said what I thought she said.

I glanced over at my sister, whose eyes were wide as saucers. Syrah covered her mouth with one hand, giving me a remorseful look, had she truly realized what she had just done? 'Why, Syrah, why did you have to risk my future like this?' I thought, feeling the worry, tension and anxiety building within me in a steady wave. Stress like this was not good for a woman of my unstable mentality, or for any other human being for that matter.

Oh, what I would have given to go back in time and stop my cursed name from ever escaping my sister's lips. A slip up like that wouldn't go amiss and after Syrah had already blurted out we were from Estonia? There was no way Doctor Browning was going to let it slide. No way in hell. "Slip up" doesn't even begin to suffice the severity of Syrah's error.

I felt like my life, the huge lie I had used as a smoke screen for so long, was now hanging by a slender thread. I looked at Doctor Browning, my eyes meeting hers for the briefest of moments. In them, I could see my own reflection, and it disgusted me. To have ''Esther'' staring back at me, her youthful innocence a stark contrast and mockery to the bitter, broken woman hiding underneath. The doctor's attention was immediately directed to my Syrah. ''Leena?'' she asked. Not for the first time I found myself thinking of how much I loathed my real name, and all that was associated with it. ''I thought your sister's name was Esther? What do you mean 'I came here to be with Leena?''

My head turned towards Syrah, whose cheeks flushed red. 'Come on, Sy Sy, don't fail me now, don't do me wrong' I thought, watching her intently. All she had to do was lie. It was that simple. Just make up a little white lie, how hard could that be? Apparently very difficult as Syrah began to stutter, wringing her hands, her eyes not meeting the doctors. ''D-Did I say Leena?'' she asked. ''Forgive me, I meant to say Esther, obviously.'' This was becoming a huge train wreck with no end in sight!

With one glance at Doctor Browning, I could tell she wasn't satisfied by my sister's explanation. She stared intently at Syrah. "You did say Leena. Do you know someone by that name?"

Syrah bit her lip. She had paled considerably, the nervousness clearly showing upon her face. She looked like she had just been told of her own imminent execution. I could empathise with her in that regard. But my blood still boiled over her stupid mistake. I knew I would have to step in, to ''save the day'', so to speak. I racked my brains for an excuse. ANY excuse. Whatever I could say to make the doctor forget about "Leena." Each uncomfortable second was as unbearable as the last. After some thought, I suddenly remembered the lie I had told at the Russian orphanage I stayed in during the time before the Sullivan's adopted me.

I knew that if Syrah wouldn't save herself then I would have to do it for her. ''Mommy's name was Leena,'' I cut in. Both Doctor Browning and Syrah immediately turned their attention to me. ''Our real mommy, I mean. Leena Ivanovitch. Syrah always tells me I remind her so much of mommy. Sometimes she calls me that by accident.''

The colour returned to Syrah's cheeks. She smiled gratefully at me, deciding to go along with my little lie and roll with the flow. Her chest deflated as she must have been holding her breath the entire time. ''That's right,'' she nodded. ''Our real mother was named Leena. She and Esther are SO similar, it's uncanny sometimes. There's times I look at Esther and I really do feel as if I'm looking at a younger version of my mother. I must have been thinking about that, just a slip of the tongue. I just miss her so much. Like I said, I'm just scatter brained this morning. My apologies. You have to bear with me.'' Syrah's language was shaky and unsteady. Were we safe yet?

I looked up at Doctor Browning, silently pleading that she would buy the lie. I studied her expressionless face intently for even the most subtle hint of gullibility. Perhaps it was just my nerves, but I just wasn't able to read her. Folding my hands demurely in my lap, I tried to look as innocent and sweet as possible.

Doctor Browning's attention was focused entirely on my sister. She held her clip-board on her lap, pen in her left hand, ready to write. "Your birth mother's name was Leena Ivanovitch?" she asked. Syrah nodded, and the doctor scribbled the information down. It looked like she was buying it. Another crisis averted, so I hoped. I wanted to give myself a pat on the back for my quick thinking in such a tense situation. Sometimes in life you just have to know how to save your own ass.

As the doctor scribbled more notes, her attention focused on the page, I looked over at Syrah, giving her a tiny smile. Part of me was still angry with her, still boiling over her outrageous, near fatal blunder, but I knew there would be time enough for us to confront this issue later. My Sy Sy would have to learn to be more careful with her words, that was all.

Doctor Browning looked seriously at us, her eyes seeming to stare right through me. It almost felt like she could see right through the gunky makeup and the childish dress. For a long moment, we held each other's gaze before she turned her attention back to my sister. "And another thing, Syrah, you mentioned before that you had relatives growing up in Estonia. Perhaps you could tell me more about this? What made your family move to Russia?"

'Shit!' I thought, feeling a wave of total panic wash over me. I thought she had forgotten about Estonia. She hadn't mentioned it in a while, I had no idea it was even still in her mind. I looked up at Syrah, silently warning her to be careful with how she answered. 'Just lie, Syrah, come on, sister, it's not that hard!'

Syrah's left leg began to shake. This session was really taxing on her as a whole. "I had relatives in Estonia, yes. A few of my uncles and cousins lived there, and I spent a large part of my childhood growing up there," she lied. "My parents decided to permanently move to Russia about a year before Esther was born. Our father's job promoted him, and they decided it would be best for the whole family if we simply lived there on a permanent basis. Well, that's the short story, anyways. We put down roots in both countries. "

The doctor continued scribbling away, her pen clicking rapidly against the page. I could only guess about what the next question would be? What would be the final nail in the coffin? 'Just finish up already, let us go!' I pleaded silently, though deep down I knew this session was far from over. I might as well have been tortured; it certainly felt as terrifying as a medieval interrogation. I looked behind the doctor, out the rear window. Ominously, a black crow perched itself in a tree. What this a sign? A bad omen of even worse things to come today? I gulped and tried to ignore it.

I shifted in my seat, feeling a sense of overwhelming nervousness. I felt it engulf me as if I were drowning. My stomach tied itself into endless knots. I had to be extra careful now, to ensure that no other cherished secrets were given away. Syrah, I could tell, was feeling the same way. Both of us were on tenterhooks. "And what was it like, living in Estonia?" she asked. God, would she ever just shut the fuck up about it? I mean, honestly, neither Syrah nor I wanted to talk about Estonia or about anything else for that matter. Believe me, the frustration I felt in this moment made me want to just scream out. Why did this stranger have to barge into our fucking business? Did we not have the right to our personal lives?

Syrah sighed with careful intention as she spoke. "Estonia's a beautiful country," she said truthfully. "I have so many memories of living there.'' Syrah gave another smile to the doctor, her hands folded demurely in her lap. ''I mean, I can remember playing with my cousins each winter, the snow was always something spectacular. We lived in Tallinn, the nation's capital. The hustle and bustle, the markets, a very cultural, historic place to live, it truly is. If it wern't for Esther here I would still be where I was. But we both know things turned out differently."

'Good, Sy Sy,' I thought proudly. 'See, this lying thing isn't so bad, is it?' Deep down I knew my sister would be feeling guilty over having to lie about her family and childhood, but what other choice did she have in this situation? What was her alternative? To tell the doctor about our father's sexual relationship with the two of us? For Doctor Browning to know about the beatings Syrah suffered at the hands of father? No, believe me, any story was more favorable than the truth.

Time seemed to have no meaning anymore. I felt frozen in a perpetual hell. I fought tooth and nail to stay still, trying to ensure I was putting on the best show possible. A thousand thoughts were racing in my mind, along with all of the worry, anxiety and bitter nervousness that a person could possibly feel. They were all circling round and round in my tormented psyche. Was I giving anything away? Could the doctor see through the innocent nine-year-old facade? Truly is she were suspicious in any way, there was no way she was going to make it known to us. I've dealt with enough therapists to know better myself.

How I wished I could read minds, be able to tell what she was thinking, how she felt about the 'little girl' sitting across from her. 'Damn you, Kate Coleman.. why did you have to drag me through this misery?' I thought in furious rage, feeling another surge of boiling hatred for the cheap whore of a woman sitting outside in the waiting room. 'Your time is running out, Kate. Enjoy life while you can, you'll be in HELL once I'm through with you. You ARE going to pay for doing this to us. Mark my damn words on that one. This will NOT go unpunished!'

All I wanted was to just get up and leave, not to be trapped in this claustrophobic room any more, but I knew that was not an option. No, for now all Syrah and I could do was take this in stride to the best of our abilities. Doctor Browning scribbled more notes, her pen scratching the paper. I felt as if the walls of this office were beginning to close in on me. It was as if the room was literally beginning to get smaller and smaller. I had to remind myself that I was safe, I had to fight the hallucination. Did the doctor have any clue how much damage she was causing to my sanity?

'What the fuck is she writing? Tell me what the hell you're writing' I thought, wishing I could give anything just to look over her shoulder to see what it was. My paranoid mind convinced me it was something incriminating, something that would send both Syrah and I right to the proverbial gallows. To me, this woman was no different from Dr. Varava, this therapy session no less intimidating than the dozens I had already undergone in my brutal years at Saarne. But I didn't need a straightjacket to feel helpless and confined. No, those feelings were already so well engrained.

I looked up at 'Cynthia', my eyes meeting hers yet again. I could sense a hint of accusation in her stare, filling me with a yearning to simply gouge those damn eyes out. 'Come on, just let us go.. What more do you NEED?' I thought. ''Esther,'' the doctor said, now looking right at me, the notepad resting upon her lap. ''I know you don't really want to talk to me, sweetheart, but I would like to ask you about your mommy and daddy. About Russia.''

''I...'' I started, feeling another bead of sweat drip down my forehead. One wrong word and I was done for. Oh, how I wanted to burst up from my seat and speak my mind for all it was worth. Just to let her know how I really felt about her and her practice. ''I don't really wanna talk about that. Just...please!''

Doctor Browning's eyes clearly showed the frustration she was feeling at my lack of effort. She certainly wasn't getting any answers from shy little Esther, was she? ''Esther, come on now. I just want to talk to you. I told you before, nothing you or your sister says will leave this room.''

'Shut the fuck up, just SHUT UP! Just die already!' I thought. I could hear myself screaming within the dark recesses of my troubled mind. This woman, this pathetic excuse for a doctor, she was lucky I didn't jab that annoying pen in her hand right through her fucking jugular. I bit my lip and looked up at her sweetly. ''I don't really want to talk about that,'' I repeated, sterner this time. If she thought she was going to get blood from a stone then she had another thing coming.

As I said before, this damn interrogation was going no better than the ones I had constantly gone through in Saarne. I despised 'Cynthia' almost as much as I despised Dr. Varava. True, she may not have degraded and abused me as they had, but she was still just some fool pretending to care. Pretending to know me. Pretending to be my friend as if we've known each other for years. But I was likely little more than dollar signs in her paycheck. God, she repulsed me to no end.

Her whiny, elderly voice really grated in my eardrums. ''Esther, come on now. You need to talk to me so that I can help you. I'm not here to be mean to you, or pass judgement as I told you earlier.. You know that your big sister and I are both on your side. After all, your mother brought you here so that I can help you with your problems. I know, I know that this isn't easy. This has to be very difficult and uncomfortable for you. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't.' She gave me a look that she surely thought was comforting, but that I could liken more to a stern glare.

'I already fucking know my sister's on my side, more so than you'll ever be, you old hag,' I thought, gritting my teeth, fighting the urge the just smack her right in her ugly, wrinkled face. This interrogation, it had finally pushed me to the edge of the cliff. I came to America to get AWAY from doctors and psychiatrists and idiotic 'counselling sessions'. If I wanted to be grilled by some patronising asshole I would have just stayed at Saarne. What constructive purpose was this going to be of benefit to me?

''I really, really don't want to talk about that,'' I said, staring at my lap. ''I don't really want to talk about anything actually. Please, I'm...I'm getting angry!'' My disgust and contempt for this woman was growing. She sat there, like a damn self-righteous bitch, trying to dig her knife a little deeper into my worn and tired body. To pull out as much of my sordid secrets as she could. Digging into my wounds with her dirty fingers.

"Esther, come on now. I'm not going to be able to help you if you won't talk to me. Please, I don't want to make this any more difficult than it has to be. You have no reason to feel angry. Why don't you just tell me a little bit about your life in Russia. Can you remember much about it? What did you like to do in Russia?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I could feel a sarcastic laugh of contempt rising in my throat. I realised I would have to start talking just a little or she would think I was being difficult. I came to the bitter conclusion that staying silent would only prolong this protracted misery. And I could do without that. Hopefully if I gave her the answers she wanted now, it would stop her from wanting to see me any further. Maybe, just maybe. That I could forget about future visits. But in the back of my mind I knew it was probably little more than wishful thinking. I seemed to be in a hole that was much too deep to climb out of. I gave a quick glance at Syrah, who nodded that I should continue speaking. She was itching to see this over and done with as much as I did.

With a nod to my sister, I lifted my head and let my gaze meet the doctor's. "I really don't remember all that much of my life in Russia. Just little bits and pieces. Playing with Syrah, being with mommy and daddy. Nothing.. significant." My heartbeat was beginning to quicken, my brow beaded with sweat.

Doctor Browning still would not let the situation go. Her eyes focused on my sister. I felt as though she would reach out and grab Syrah away from me. Both she and Syrah were now fixed on each other, their gazes meeting across the otherwise quiet room. I guess the doctor realized that I was going to remain as tight lipped as possible. ''Syrah, perhaps you can answer a few questions about your parents. If that wouldn't be too much of a hassle?'' I almost wanted Syrah to say no, that it WOULD be too much of a hassle. That would not happen. She wanted to get through this as smoothly as possible. If that meant answering a few questions, could I really blame her?

I just hoped she wouldn't slip up any further. Legions of tiny acrobats were doing somersaults in my stomach as I watched my sister smooth down the creases in her skirt, her eyes looking straight ahead. ''Yes,'' she said, ''what do you want to know about our parents, about Russia?'' Now Syrah and I had already discussed our cover story for ''Esther's'' biological parents. I could only hope that she remembered it. She certainly was not as good of a liar as I was.

Doctor Browning put the pen down, looking intently into Syrah's eyes. Perhaps she was searching for some sign of nervousness within them, some sign of a falter behind Syrah's strong gaze. 'Stay strong, sister, stay strong,' I pleaded silently. I clutched the Kleenex in my hand, playing with it absent-mindedly, tearing it into little pieces. I wished I could tear up this doctor just as easily. Again, I reminded myself that I was Esther, that Leena Klammer had to stay under the surface, had to hide behind the cracking porcelain doll I tried so hard to pretend was real.

''Now, Syrah,'' Cynthia started, ''I just want to ask you one or two questions. First of all, you said your mother's name was Leena Ivanovitch. Perhaps you could tell me about her, did you and Esther have a good relationship with your mother?'' What kind of fucking question was that? I swear, this moronic excuse for a doctor seemed to just be talking for the sake of talking. I looked over at my sister, who sat tall, her hands neatly folded. She paused again for a moment before answering Cynthia's question.

As Syrah opened her mouth to reply, I once again felt an involuntary cold shiver run up my back. Given that my sister had already slipped up twice, I would immediately tense up every time she opened her mouth. I could NOT allow her to slip up again. We could not afford any more mistakes. "Yes, very much so" Syrah responded, her thick Estonian accent being the only sound in the otherwise tersely silent room, "Esther and I had a very close relationship with both of our parents, especially with our mother. She was a caring, hard working woman who always looked out for our best interests. She was somebody my sister and I could look up to, somebody we could admire."

Cynthia wrote more notes as she listened intently to my sister's words. As the seconds turned into minutes, as Syrah and I grew more and more tense, I wondered how much time had actually passed. Surely our half hour MUST be over by now? 'Just let us fucking go already, hurry up!' I thought. I could have been home playing with my daughter right now, instead of having to go through this shit. My hatred for both Kate and Doctor Browning was bubbling under the surface, building and building like a pressure cooker getting ready to violently blow it's top. I could not let it explode at a time like this, there was far too much at stake.

"So you had a good relationship with your mother. And you father?" she probed. Syrah gulped. Tiidrik was extremely abusive to her growing up. But she kept a straight face as she kept the lies going. I knew this was hard on her. "We didn't get the spend alot of time with him. He worked in business for the government and was always traveling. We would only get to see him a few times a month so we never were really close." Cynthia nodded. "So your home life with Esther seems to have been fairly normal?" My sister acknowledged this.

"Syrah," the doctor addressed my sister, a sympathetic look on her features. How I wished I could just slap it clean off, "I have another question to ask of both you and Esther. Forgive me for it being so personal but it is something that needs to be asked.." she took a deep breath, setting the pen and clipboard aside as she locked eyes with my sister and I. "What happened to your parents? How did you get to this point?" Clearly she was referring to 'Esther' becoming an orphan in the first place.

Syrah looked down at her hands, a blush forming across her cheeks, while I bit my lower lip so hard I felt as if my teeth would pierce through. I stole a shy glance at her. It goes without saying we would have to lie, doesn't it? This whole day was becoming one gigantic lie. I could only imagine how Cynthia would react if I told her I'd murdered my own father. If I told her about our incestuous relationship. Ha! Her fucking head would probably explode. I looked down at my tiny hands, my mouth parting slightly, trying to give off the impression of a sweet and innocent child who simply didn't want to talk about her tragic past. "There.. there was a fire.." I muttered, speaking before giving Syrah the chance.

I felt my eyes blur with crocodile tears and I hurriedly wiped them away with the cuff of my sleeve, trying to rustle up some sympathy from the doctor. I continued speaking, my voice breaking between my tears. "Our.. our home caught fire one afternoon.. mommy and daddy were at home.. a-and.." The lies were just pouring from my mouth, one after the other. Doctor Browning took a sharp intake of breath as if preparing for the horrors I was about to speak of next. I could tell my sob story really tugged at her heartstrings. Now perhaps SHE was the one feeling uncomfortable.

"Syrah had just collected me from school and w-when we got home, there was all these police men and ambulances around. This policeman came over to Syrah and I and he t-told us.. that.. that m-mommy and daddy went to heaven.." I said innocently, "the fire k-killed them." I covered my mouth with my hands, pretending to be on the edge of hysterics. "I don't know why it happened."

The doctor wrote my story down, a sympathetic look in her eyes. She shook her head sadly. "What a terrible shame, that has to be one of the most horrible things I've ever heard", she whispered. She wanted a story and she got one. When she spoke again, her voice had taken on the whiny tone one often uses when talking down to a child. Not that I could truly blame her for that, after all it's what she perceived me as. It was gentle yet offensive to my ears. "And then you were taken to an orphanage?" she asked. I nodded.

"Y-yes. Syrah tried to take care of me herself for a few m-months but she didn't have enough.. she couldn't.." I trailed off, my lower lip quivering, tears beginning to stream down both my cheeks. "It was too hard for her to care for me. We didn't have a lot of money, and so I got taken to the orphanage. There was nobody else who could take care of me. We don't have alot of family."

At this, I covered my mouth again and burst into a torrent of fresh sobs, turning my head and burying my face in Syrah's shoulder. She reached out and wrapped an arm around me, stroking my hair and rubbing my back as I cried. "I-I'm sorry," I wept, wiping away each tear as it came, "it's all.. so hard, just so hard.'' Syrah rocked me. "It's going to be alright. Don't talk about anything that you don't want to", she assured me.

I really had to commend myself for my acting ability. I should win an Oscar for best performance now shouldn't I? Syrah drew me in closer still as I leaned my head against her shoulder, trying to soak up some of her strength and love. ''With all due respect, doctor,'' she began, rubbing circles into my back as I slowly began to calm myself down, ''this is a very upsetting thing for Esther and I to have to talk about. I know it's been years since it happened, but it still haunts us. Losing a parent, losing both of our parents, it's not something that ever goes away. The memories and pain are still as fresh and raw today as they were the day it happened.'' I really had to admire Syrah's eloquent choice of wording. She just had that special way with words that really made you admire her intelligence and kindness.

The doctor nodded. Through my tears I could tell she felt guilty for having "made me cry". She had to pause to take off her glasses, grab a Kleenex and wipe away a few of her own tears. ''No, Syrah, I completely understand. It must have been so difficult for both you and Esther. To have to go through that, to lose your parents and then be separated from each other. It's too heartbreaking to even think about. But you know what, Esther?'' she addressed the conversation to me again, ''you're a very brave little girl for going through what you did. I know your big sister must be so, SO proud of you. And I know your mommy and daddy are looking down on you, and they're proud of you and Syrah too. Never forget that, sweetheart.''

''Really?'' I replied, pulling away from my sister as I tried to put myself back together. I brushed a lock of hair back behind my ear and sat up straight, readjusting my collar, smoothing down my skirt. I bowed my head, pretending to be embarrassed to have broken down in the way that I had. ''I'm sorry for getting so upset.'' 'That's it, Leena.. you tug on those heartstrings,' I thought wickedly.

The doctor shook her head. ''No, Esther, there's no need to apologise, honey. I really appreciate your willingness to speak with me, I feel it will really help both you and Syrah if you're open with me like that from now on. Now are you sure you're okay? Do you need a minute or two?''

''No, thank you,'' I said, pretending to wipe the last few tears away, ''I'm fine now. Everything is fine. Thank you.'' Syrah reached out and squeezed my hand, a kind-hearted look in her eyes. We both looked at each other for a moment, reassuring one another that this would all be over soon. I then turned my attention fully back to the woman sitting across from me. I knew I had hit a home run in my favor.

Doctor Browning got up from her seat, placing the clipboard and pen in a cubbyhole below the desk.'' Our meeting is almost over, Esther, Syrah,'' she said, much to my relief. ''But there is one more thing I want to ask of you, Esther. Would it be okay if I took your weight and pulse? Just for my own notes. A basic physical

"Alright then.'' I got to my feet while Syrah remained seated. I walked over to Doctor Browning, keeping my head up, showing the confidence I pretended to be feeling. No fear. No trepidation. Inside though I just wanted to get this whole thing over and done with and to pretend that this never even happened.

'Just a few more minutes, Leena,' I told myself. 'Just a few more minutes and all of this will be over. Keep in character, you've been doing so well thus far.' I gave myself the same kind of pep-talk Syrah would have given me. There was a weighing scale situated in the corner of the doctors office. It was the digital kind where you simply step upon it and it tells you both your weight.

''If you would, Esther, please remove your shoes and step up here,'' Cynthia told me. Nodding, I bent down to slip my feet out of my shoes, now clad in just white tights, I stepped up on the scales, which began beeping incessantly as they read my weight and height. The doctor bent down to read the results, taking on a very monotone voice as she did so. ''84 pounds. Very good, Esther. You're a healthy little girl.'' Ha, if only she knew I was 33! I bet she wouldn't be thinking I was 'healthy' in any way, either physically OR mentally. She then proceeded to have me stand against the wall, a height ruler at my side. "4' 10", very good" she noted.

''Now, I'm just going to get my stethoscope so I can take your pulse. Please bear with me for one moment.'' I squatted down to put my shoes back on. Syrah got to her feet, smoothing down her clothing and fixing her hair. She took her place by my side as the doctor turned back to me, a long stethoscope around her neck. Her countenance took a gentle, soft tone as she approached me. ''Okay, Esther. I'm just going to take your pulse now, dear. Then you can go.''

She adjusted the earpieces as she pressed the stethoscope up against my chest. A look of confusion briefly passed over her face. ''Hmm, that's odd,'' she mused, more to herself than me, ''I can't seem to get a pulse.''

Her brow crinkled in confusion. She moved the stethoscope around on my chest, pressing it down harder. Of course, with the gauze wrapped so tightly around my chest, it was close to impossible for her to get a correct heartbeat. Not that she knew this was the case. It felt so incredibly irritating to be poked and prodded at like some damn mannequin in a store.

''Strange.'' The doctor took the stethoscope out of her ears and examined it, ''this normally doesn't happen.'' She sounded rather annoyed by this fact. Like I could care less. Any bit of stress I could cause the bitch was good enough for me. I looked over at Syrah, who was standing a few feet away, her gaze focused on the diplomas hanging on the walls. I wondered if she were impressed by them. I myself thought they looked quite pretentious, as if the stupid doctor was trying to impress those who walked into her office. How pathetic it all seemed.

But I no longer had time to ruminate about that as Cynthia took my hand in hers. ''I'm sorry about that, Esther, I don't know what's wrong with the stethoscope. Anyway,'' she smiled, ''I can get a pulse from your wrist.'' She turned my hand over, and I gave an involuntary wince as the cool edge of the stethoscope was placed on the underside of my wrist. The doctor's brow furrowed as she tried to read my heartbeat.

'What's the big fucking deal? Hurry up!' I grumbled internally as the stethoscope bulged underneath my velvet ribbon. I kept a neutral expression, my gaze resting on the floor as I patiently waited. Or, at least, attempted to 'patiently' wait. God. This all seemed so very unnecessary. 'How the fuck is taking my pulse going to-' my inner thoughts were suddenly interrupted when the clasp on my ribbon unhooked. I watched in shock as, almost in slow-motion, the fabric slipped from my skin and fell to the floor.

My eyes widened in horror, and I instantly dropped down to my knees to retrieve it. Doctor Browning seemed to have the same idea, because she too bent down to pick up the ribbon. As I reached to grab it, her hand shot out and grabbed mine. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. My scar was open and exposed. I had nothing to hide behind. Dear God, PLEASE tell me this isn't happening!

Syrah let out an audible gasp of horror, balling a fist to her mouth. Doctor Browning seemed almost flabbergasted by the sight as her eyes stared down at the disgusting scar, the mottled criss-crossed markings on my tiny hand. ''NO!'' I shrieked, before I could help myself, wrenching my hand from her grasp and jumping to my feet. I ran towards Syrah and clutched onto her waist, trembling all over.

The doctor stood, a look of sheer confusion and concern painted on her face. I was shaking like an autumn leaf, my teeth chattering, arms wrapped around Syrah's waist. No! NOOO! This couldn't have happened. Wake up, Leena, you're just dreaming! This was ten damn times worse than Syrah blurting out my real name. No, one HUNDRED times worse. I could feel tears sting at the corners of my eyes and couldn't stop them from falling.

''Esther..'' Cynthia started, taking a tentative step in my direction. My whole body was beginning to sweat involuntarily. Syrah kept a protective arm across my chest, drawing me in close to her. The doctor continued to approach. ''Esther, how did you get that scar?'' Like I was going to answer her. My trembling hands gripped the fabric of Syrah's blouse. She ran her fingers through my hair, gently making hushing noises. I could feel my stomach turn just at the sight of the mark on my wrist. Tears plopped onto the floor, my heart beating at an uncontrollable level. For this I had no cover story, what was I to say? How would I explain this?

''Esther?'' the colour drained from Doctor Browning's face. ''What happened to you? How did you get that.. That..'' she couldn't even bring herself to say the word. Her eyes flickered to the ribbon on my neck. ''Is that why you're wearing those ribbons?''

''I.. I.. I..'' I stuttered, body trembling, eyes blurring and stinging with a never ending torrent of tears. It was all over now. My hopes, my dreams, my goals. They were fading right in front of my very eyes. I was scared in a way that was beyond terror. Scared for both myself and my sister. I cuddled into my sister, trying to soak up whatever courage she could muster, but Sy Sy's hands were trembling around me, and I could hear her breathing heavily. "No, no, no!" was all I could keep repeating over and over. Yet another nightmare was quickly becoming a reality.

I felt like I was going to be sick. I could feel the stomach acid beginning the reflux into my throat. The doctor folded her arms across her chest, looking down at me with seemingly unbending, seering eyes.. "Esther.. please take off those other ribbons." She gestured to the velvet fabric around my other wrist, and neck. I shook my head frantically, clutching tighter to Syrah. My tongue was tied for a moment. I felt naked and vulnerable, as helpless as a newborn baby.

"No, no I can't, I c-can't! Please don't make me!" I begged in the most innocent voice I could muster, hoping against hope that my pleas would keep her at bay. Even in my duress I knew it was imperative for me to stay in the role of Esther. Lord only knows what could happen if I broke my act now. "Please, please.." I continued to plead with her, "I don't wanna take them off! Please don't make me!"

Doctor Browning stepped forward, hand outstretched. She caught me by the hand and pulled me away from Syrah, who stood shell-shocked, unable to move, unable to do anything to help me. She was just as shocked by what had happened as I was. The doctor reached out, tugging at the ribbon around my neck. Tears fell from my eyes, streaking down each of my pale cheeks, as she pulled it off, before reaching down to do the same to the ribbon on my left hand.

I felt so disgusting. So ugly, so degraded. Without my ribbons, what could I hide behind? The dress, the make-up, the childish facade? It all felt like a wasted effort now. I wanted to scream out to the heavens, to set this whole fucking office ablaze. To set my wrath fully upon this woman. My gaze lowered to the floor. I just felt so fucking disgusting and ashamed. Every horrid emotion was running through my mind. Leena Klammer was just a breath away it seemed.

Doctor Browning continued speaking, this time directing her questions to my sister. "Syrah, do you have any idea as to how Esther got those scars? These look just absolutely atrocious", she asked. Now I began to fly into even more of a panic. What would Syrah say? How would we get out of this one? How COULD we get out of this? My soul was crying out for vengeance against this doctor. Crying out for me to save myself before it was too late. But there seemed to be no avail to this disaster.

'Deep breaths, Leena, deep breaths, calm down! Come on now, that's enough!' I told myself, knowing I was in danger of having a panic attack if I didn't keep my cool. Easier said than done, mind you. Syrah opened and closed her mouth, trying to speak, but no words came out. "I.. I don't.. I don't know.." she finally managed to splurt between her panicked breaths. She inhaled deeply, and managed to compose herself somewhat but she now looked like a frazzled mess, almost seeming to become caught in this huge web of lies we had been spinning. "I don't know how she got those. I.. I just..never seen them before" Syrah, like me, was at a loss for words that would be adequate enough to placate the doctor.

Doctor Browning looked at me. I could barely even maintain eye-contact with her. Those eyes of hers were so piercing as if they were red hot coals. "Esther, Syrah.. I'm going to have to ask both of you to leave. I need to talk with Kate and John." I should have felt relieved. My first session was over. I should have been happy about this. But instead, all that was going through my mind were thoughts of pure terror, a thousand dreaded what-ifs. What if she tells John and Kate about the scars? Oh God, how that weighed on my mind like a trillion tons! I felt like I was going to have an imminent heart attack. The final nail had been driven into the coffin. I knew I was finished!

Without a word, I stepped forward and extended my hand, palm upwards. "May I please have my ribbons?" I asked. The doctor silently passed them to me and I hurriedly put them back on, securing each one as tightly as I could. Syrah reached out and took my hand in hers. My feet seemed to weigh almost a thousand pounds as she led me towards the door, my shoulders slumped low in total defeat.. The doctor followed us, keeping a close eye on me, I could feel her scrutinizing gaze on the back of my head. Syrah opened the door and the two of us stepped out. ''If you would, Syrah, please let John and Kate know I'm ready for them,'' said Doctor Browning.

''Certainly,'' Syrah responded in a tired voice. She looked down at me. ''Esther, what do you say to Cynthia?'' she asked, her tone taking on that same high-pitch the doctor's had when speaking to me. Once again, I felt shame at hearing my sister talk down to me like this. But I knew she had no choice.

I cracked the best smile I could muster on my porcelain face. ''It was nice talking to you, Cynthia. I hope we can be friends.'' Needless to say, I hoped nothing of the sort. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible, never to see the woman ever again.

''I'd like that,'' she replied. ''You two can sit in the waiting room. Hopefully this won't take long.'' With a curt nod to the psychiatrist, Syrah turned on her heel and began to lead me away. Not a single word was spoken between us. My head was all over the place, each step feeling as though it could be my last. I didn't want to have to face either John or Kate. Especially NOT Kate. I just wanted to hide myself from the world. I felt it would have been better if I had never existed in the first place.

'Get it together, Leena,' I inwardly chastised myself. 'You don't want them to see you've been crying, do you? Remember, you must keep in control. Don't give them any hints to what you're really feeling.' I wiped at my face with my sleeve, taking care not to smudge any of my makeup while doing so. I would likely have to reapply it when I returned home anyways. But do you really think this was my greatest worry? Thought so.

The secretary looked up from her desk as Syrah and I re-entered the waiting room. She gave a nod as we passed her, before turning back and focusing on her work. I barely acknowledged her presence, so engrossed was I in my own turbulent misgivings. John and Kate looked up as Syrah cleared her throat. ''Are you two done already?'' Kate asked, setting aside the copy of Time Magazine she had been reading, and getting to her feet.

''I thought you'd be longer.'' There was an accusing tone to her voice, as if it were OUR fault we weren't as long as she hoped we would be, the stupid whore.

'Believe me, bitch, I don't want to see you either,' I thought, gritting my teeth to the point where it was painful. Syrah kept her hand firmly in mine. ''Yes, Doctor Browning is ready to speak to you two now,'' she said, leading me to the chairs John and Kate had just vacated.

John nodded. He leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead. ''We'll be right out, honey,'' was what he told me as he turned and began to trudge down the hall. I could see his injuries were still causing him pain. Is it even necessary for me to say how much guilt I felt over this? John had his own explaining to do when he sat across from Doctor Browning. Could this day possibly get any worse? I knew that it most certainly could.

Kate gave me a sharp look. ''Esther, stay with Syrah,'' she warned emphatically. ''And behave yourself for a change!'' Well, where the fuck else was I going to go? I swear, Kate seemed to think of herself as some sort of damn military sergeant, barking orders left, right and centre. I kept a stoic expression on my face as I sat down, folding my arms neatly. I completely ignored Kate. The less time I had to spend with that whore, the better. Syrah picked up a magazine and began wordlessly flipping through it, no doubt trying to drown out what just happened. Her hands trembled as she held the magazine, her head seemed to shake on her neck. She was so stunned that she might as well have been struck by a bolt of lightning.

Kate gave a look of total contempt to my sister before turning on her heel and following her husband down the hall. Her disrespect of Syrah was really starting to get on my nerves. I could handle her being rude to me, though that pissed me off too, but what had sweet, kind Syrah done to warrant these rude glares, this coldness?

But there was too much on my mind to really focus on Kate at the moment. I looked down at my tiny hands, at the ribbons now once again wrapped tightly around them. I thought of the doctor, of the look on her face when she saw my scar. How she seemed to be judging me, just as so many others had done before her. I knew beyond a doubt she would tell John and Kate about what she had seen. Why wouldn't she? It was too important for her to just brush it under the carpet.

I began rocking back and forth in my seat, continuing to grind my teeth loudly from side to side in my anxious state. There was a buzzing in my head, each sound seemed to be magnified a dozen fold. Syrah. turning the pages of the magazine, still completely at a loss for words and unable to make conversation with me. The secretary tapping on her computer, the ticking of the clock on the wall adjacent to me. I wrung my hands nervously, looking up at the clock as the seconds ticked by. What was Doctor Browning telling John and Kate about me now? About my scars, about how Syrah had called me Leena? I hurriedly jumped to my feet. I had to get out of there. I HAD to. ''Where are you going?'' Syrah asked, looking up from her reading as I hurried past her. Her voice was filled with stress.

''Bathroom,'' I replied. I looked at the secretary, ''Where is your restroom, please?''

''Down the hall. The ladies room is the first door on the right.'' I walked off briskly, trotting along. As I entered the bathroom, I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes again. The scent of disinfectant hung heavy in the air. I hurried into one of the nearby cubicles, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. I sat down on the cold tile floor, my back against the wall, knees drawn up to my chest in a fetal position.

My heart beat with such uncontrollable vigor I felt as though it would explode like a shotgun within my chest. Could I not just have a fucking moment of peace for once in my life? Why, WHY did everything have to be so damn difficult for me? It felt as though the weight of the whole world had been placed upon my little shoulders. This tiny cubicle, it felt like a prison cell to me. Like the cell I had been trapped in during my six years at Saarne. The whole world seemed like a ravenous animal that was closing in on me for the kill. WHY? WHY? WHY? I had felt so cheated in life, so neglected. And here I was on a filthy bathroom floor, unsure of what to do next.

The walls, they may as well have been padded. The cotton fabric of my dress, the velvet ribbons, that may as well have been a straitjacket. I was trapped in another nightmare, another hell that I had once again managed to create for myself. 'So stupid, stupid, STUPID!' I angrily thought, rocking back and forth.

I could feel myself start dry-heaving, and I began to splutter, tears of shame, rage and anxiety pouring down my face, a never ending waterfall. Doctor Browning was probably telling Kate and John all of my sordid little secrets. It was over for me, I just KNEW IT. Over for me, over for Syrah. My life was just a big mess yet again. A million dreaded questions continued to rush through my mind like an F5 tornado but all without a single answer.

Would I be found out? Would I have to kill again to protect myself? Would there be a repeat of the Sullivan's? What would be the final fate of my sister and I? Should I just commit suicide and end it all? Why bother any further? Is this the totality of my wretched existence on this planet?

No. NO. I could not think like this. There was too much at stake. My John, my Max, my Syrah. They needed me to be strong for them. I HAD to be there! But yet I couldn't shake the feeling inside me. The despair and worry clawing its way to the surface. I tried to bring myself some level of reassurance. ''She didn't see. She doesn't know,'' I mumbled under my breath, voice shaking, rocking myself back and forth. Angrily, I slammed my head back, feeling a sharp pain shoot up from my skull as it connected with the cubicle wall. ''She's so STUPID!'' I growled.

I kicked the cubicle wall in front of me, ignoring the sharp pain that it caused in my feet. My voice, which had started as a low growl, now turned into a furious snarl. Every bone in my body was now going into defence mode, fight mode, as I rose to my feet, teeth gnashing. I felt anger overtaking me. Anger at myself, for allowing things to get to this point. Anger at Kate, for dragging me here to start with. Anger at the doctor for prying. Even, dare I say it, anger at my precious Syrah for her careless mistakes. Whatever self-control I had left seemed to be melting away like a candle thrown into a fire.

A fierce, unbridled scream ripped its way from my throat as I began pounding my fists against the walls, stamping my feet on the ground like a spoiled child. All of my pent up rage spilling out of me like blood from an open wound, heart beating like a hammer against cloth, sweat caressing my brow. I slammed my fists onto the walls. ''Stupid, stupid, STUPID!'' I screamed. My throat was burning but I just didn't care. Oh, how I wished I could take a knife to that DAMN Doctor Browning, cut her fucking vocal chords out. THEN I wouldn't have to worry about her poking her fucking nose where it doesn't belong ever again.

"She thinks she knows everything, she doesn't know SHIT!" With this, I threw my head back and let out an animalistic scream.

'Is everything okay in there?" came a startled voice from outside the cubicle. I froze. From her voice, I could tell it was the secretary I had encountered in the waiting room. 'You're such a fucking IDIOT, Leena Klammer,' I thought vehemently, 'NOW look what you've done?' In a fit of self-rage, I kicked at the toilet paper, knocking it from the wall and sending another wave of pain shooting up my leg. "Little girl?" the secretary asked again, concern evident in her voice, "um.. Esther, is it? Is everything okay in there? I heard alot of commotion. Do you want me to get someone for you?"

There was confusion and worry within her voice. If I heard someone shrieking and yelling the way I had been, I wouldn't know what to do either. But the rage and terror was still simmering just under the surface. I collapsed to my knees, hugging myself around the middle as I let the tears fall yet again. Why, WHY had everything gone so terribly wrong? Why couldn't I ever just use my fucking brain? Everythis that had happened these last few days. Just everything was of my doing. And to think that this all started over a fucking photo of a woman whom I didn't even know? I couldn't chastise myself enough. There were no words harsh enough to describe just how I was feeling about myself.

I was cut off from my morose lamentations when the bathroom door opened yet again, and a familiar Estonian accent filled the room. "Is everything okay in here?" Syrah asked. I began sobbing again upon hearing her voice, upon realising just how much things had been fucked up for us both. If there ever was a time where I needed her, it was definately now.

"Miss Ivanovitch," I heard the secretary say, "can you please get your sister to come out? She's been screaming and crying in that stall for I don't know how long. She won't talk to me or tell me what's wrong. The poor little thing." The woman, distressed by my behavior, sounded as if she was about to cry at any moment. I had to have filled her with worry for the poor, pathetic little girl sobbing her eyes out in the bathroom stall. Did I give two shits about her empathy? Well, what do you think?

Syrah knocked softly upon the door. "Esther?" she asked softly. "Esther, honey, can you hear me? Is everything alright, sister? Can you hear me?" Her concern really showed in her voice. I buried my head in my hands and continued to cry loudly. "It's okay, sweetie, your big sister's here now. Syrah's here. Come on out." Yes, she was talking to me like I was a little girl, but I could still feel every bit of worry that she really DID feel for me.

"S-Syrah," I whimpered. "Sister...oh my God! What just happened?"

Syrah addressed the secretary. "If you don't mind, may my sister and I be left alone? We need to talk in private. Don't worry, I have this all under control. Trust me on that. I'll handle this."

"Oh.. o-of course. No problem." As soon as she left, my sister switched from speaking in English to speaking in Estonian.

"Leena, come on out, honey. Nobody else is here, I promise. Come out and talk to me. I really need to have a word with you. Please let me help you. Please let me make this all better" she pleaded. I hesitated for a moment, before reaching up a shivering hand to unlock the door and taking a first cautious step outside. I felt so small, so belittled and dejected. I couldn't even meet my sister's gaze without wanting to break down into a fit. Syrah put her hand under my chin and lifted it so I was looking into her eyes. "Leena, what was that about?" she asked, a little sterner than I would have liked from her. I didn't answer. Didn't, or couldn't. To this day I'm not sure which. Syrah placed her hands on my shoulders, tilting her head back as she exhaled. "Leena, come on now. Talk to me. What are you doing throwing a tantrum like this? I know you're upset. I know you're overwhelmed, that makes two of us."

My clenched fists trembled by my sides. I was oblivious to the burning fire rising within me, Syrah continued to admonish me. "Leena, I'll ask you again. What were you doing? Do you really think kicking and screaming like this is going to solve ANYTHING? Come on now, you know better than this." I grimaced, narrowing my eyes darkly at her. How dare she stand there LECTURING me? After she had slipped up twice?

"I know better than this?" I shot back. "Well, sister, you certainly knew better than to go around calling me Leena, but you did that anyway, didn't you?" A blush formed over Syrah's cheeks, highlighting her embarrassment. I brushed her hands off of my shoulders, causing her to take a step back.

"I'm sorry about that, Leena," she said. "Really, I am. I was nervous and, God damn it, it was a slip of the tongue. Nothing more, nothing less. You know I would never intentionally do anything to cause you ANY sort of harm. I apologise for slipping up like I did. Come on now, you forgive me, right? Can't we put that behind us?"

But I wasn't about to let this go just yet. "You didn't just slip up once though, did you, Syrah? You managed to fuck up twice! Saying we were from Estonia, what the HELL were you thinking? These doctors, they're trained to spot out lies!" My voice was still sore from my little episode in the bathroom cubicle. "Is it THAT difficult to just tell a fucking LIE?" I seethed. My sister looked hurt by my harsh words. I almost felt a pang of guilt for how I was speaking to her.

Yet Syrah was not one to be disrespected easily. She sharply pointed a finger in my face. "Don't you start with me, Leena. Yes, I made a mistake, and I apologised to you for what I did. But don't you dare start trying to blame me for everything. You hear? I won't stand here and be spoken to like this. You will NOT try to blame me for this. It was YOUR behavior that got you in front of the doctor to begin with, some nerve you have. It always has to be someone ELSES fault, does it? Because everyone knows that you're completely blameless. I won't take those kind of accusations. I don't deserve it and I won't tolerate it, you better get that through your thick skull!"

I drew myself up to my fullest height (which wasn't much, mind you) and glowered up at my sister. "Everything, Syrah, EVERYTHING is in shit now! Everything's just a damn mess. I mean, you slip up, she takes my ribbons off. What the fuck are we supposed to do now? Yeah, we'll have it real well if we run off now, will we? Does the appeal to you? Going on the run? What if this gets worse? What if the police come? That doctor has more power than you think." Was Syrah going to consider anything that I had to say?

"We'll get through this, Leena. You think I'm not just as scared as you are over all of this? Believe me, this is NOT how I wanted today to go for you. For either of us. But lashing out and arguing over it is not going to help our case, is it?" She was right, as she so often is. The logical, intelligent part of me knew it was wrong to be so angry with my big sister over something that was now outside of our control. That it was not HER fault everything had gotten so fucked up. But I was not listening to my rational side as I once again lashed out at my sister.

"Next time Doctor Browning asks to talk to you, Syrah, just keep your DAMN mouth shut!" I brooded in rage, nostrils flaring, feeling my face warm up as it flushed red. Syrah took a step back, shocked by the harshness of my words. Her eyes became glassy, her hands balled up into two tight fists as mine had. She held up her hand as if she were about to smack the shit out of me. I turned away from her, crossing my arms over my chest and slumping my shoulders.

Syrah reached out and grabbed my shoulder, turning me around to face her. The cold, stern look on her face at that moment was a total contrast to how sweet and gentle she normally presented herself. As she glared down at me, I honestly felt a shiver run through me, a tinge of fear. "So this is all MY fault, is it?" she asked sarcastically. "It's all MY fault we're in this situation right now?" Once again, she jabbed a finger in my face. "Leena, you and I both know the REAL reason we even had to come to this place, don't we?"

I nodded, not wanting to throw any more fuel on the fire. Syrah continued to chastise me. "Leena, if I could do this day over again, you know I would. But it's not right to stand here and blame me for everything. Take some damn responsibility for your own actions for a change. Why not just give me the benefit of the doubt, damn it. Can't you see? You have a part to play in this as well and you know it. But I'm not going to stand here and pass any kind of judgement on you but I'm sure as hell am not going to stand here and take anymore crap from you, is that understood? If we're going to get through this then we need to do it together, my Klam Klam, not apart. Now I know we're in hot water right now. You can choose to act like a damn animal that needs to be put down or we can try to solve this problem rationally, together."

I was quick to absorb her reasoning. "You're right, Syrah," I sniffled, reaching out to take her hand in mine. "I'm sorry for being so.. for being so rude to you. I'm a piece of shit for that. I just...I just feel like I'm spinning out of control. That I'm coming apart into pieces and that theres no way to stop any of this." I threw my hands up at my sides in frustration, letting them fall down limply. "We're fucked...it's just as simple as that. We're fucked!" I brooded. "No we're not, stop being so negative about this", Syrah said in chastisement.

Her expression returned to it's gentle countenance once again as she reached out and pulled me into an embrace. She stroked the back of my hair, which had now become messy and unkept. "Everything is going to be fine, sister. I promise you." But there was something in her voice. I could sense it, could tell she wasn't convinced by her own words. "Now, come on, Leena. Let's get back into that waiting room before anyone else wonders where we've gone. We don't want Kate getting upset again and I don't need you getting upset, either. The therapy session is over now and we'll be back at the house soon enough."

I nodded. "Okay, then." I took Syrah's hand as she led me out of the bathroom. My tears were already beginning to dry upon my cheeks. Syrah was once again giving me some level strength and courage by just being near, the security I needed. Gently, she reached out and wiped the last remaining tears from my face with the cuff of her sleeve. As we entered the hallway, I could hear voices coming from the doctor's office. One of which I instantly recognised as Kate's. And my God did she sound angry. She was so loud, her voice carried all the way down the hall. I wanted to piss myself. What was making her so enraged? I could only fear for the worst.

Still, I needed to know more. I had to hear this conversation. To know exactly what was being said in there. Dropping Syrah's hand, I hurried towards the doctor's office. Syrah was quick to chase after me. "Leena!" she called. "Leena, what are you doing? Come back this instant!"

I didn't even turn around as I answered her. "I have to hear this, Syrah. I need to know what they're talking about. I know it's about me so that makes it MY business" Slowing down as I neared the closed door, the voices began to grow louder. I could instantly recognise the doctor's. She was trying to keep calm, measuring her words carefully.

"I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, Kate, and I'm not trying to pass the buck on you. All I'm asking is if you've been drinking. I can smell alcohol on your breath. It would do you good to be honest with me. Now it's perfectly okay to admit that you have relapsed again. How much have you had to drink this morning?"

Kate raised her voice in her anger, being so loud that she made me jump. "NO! No, for the love of GOD, I haven't been drinking! GODDAMN IT! Why won't you believe me? Why the hell am I the one being accused? I thought this was ESTHER'S therapy session, not mine! What the hell has she been telling you? What has that little brat been saying?"

I puckered my lips, placing the palm of my hand against the door as I listened intently, my ear pressed tight against it. The doctor's next question nearly floored me. "Kate, I'm just going to ask you straight out. Have you ever taken any of your problems, your anger, your alcoholism, out on ANY of the children? And this includes Esther. Kate, I have to admit, I'm having a hard time believing your husband here was beaten up by a neighbor. I have my reservations. I have my doubts. I know what you can be capable of when you're drinking."

Once again, Kate raised her voice. "No. I have never hurt any of my children. Esther included. What kind of a mother do you think I am? How DARE you accuse me of such a thing! You can think what you want about my husband but I have NEVER raised a finger to any of my kids." There was so much emotional strain in her voice. 'Did you forget about beating my ass with your belt, you dumb woman?' I thought. Syrah looked about as shocked as I felt. She leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"Esther, it's not going to do any good to stand and listen in. Let's go back to the waiting room. If they catch us out here.. I don't even want to think about that!" She put an arm around my shoulders. "Come on. It won't be long before they're done and we can go home."

"But...but the ribbons! I know the doctor is going to bring that up" I lamented. Syrah became more demanding. "Leena, right now!" She pointed her finger down the hallway. "Yeah, you're right." I resigned myself to my sister's will. My curiosity still remaining peaked as she led me back to the waiting room. I was numb in mind, body and spirit. Syrah cuddled me in close to her as she had before. She was the only true source of comfort I had in this world. Nobody could ever understand Leena Klammer like she did.

We re-entered the waiting room and I once again sat down with a thud. The secretary looked at me but didn't say another word about the incident in the bathroom. She knew it better than to press the issue any further. Syrah took her place next to me. I leaned my head against her shoulder and she gently kissed the side of my head.

"You're a strong woman, Leena. Don't ever forget that. But it's becoming really hard to keep covering for you. You need to stop creating these kind of situations for us" she whispered in Estonian, her breath tickling my ear. I continued to stare straight ahead, hardly even paying attention to my sister. My gaze was focused on the long, desolate hallway that led to the doctor's office. Now I could barely make out any of the conversation. Was the doctor scolding Kate again? Did she know of how I had been beaten with that belt, of how Syrah had been spat on? What I wouldnt give to be a fly on the wall in THAT conversation.

I picked up a magazine and began to look through it, not even paying all that much attention to the articles inside. After another five, painful minutes of waiting, Syrah gently nudged on my shoulder. I turned. "What?"

"John and Kate are coming." I looked up. Sure enough, my "parents" were now approaching. As they neared us, I could feel the tension between them both. Kate folded her arms across her chest, wrinkling up her nose, staring down at me as though I were something unpleasant she had found under her shoe. Believe me, the feeling was mutual. I was the source of alot of bitter feelings, that's for sure.

"Let's go," was all this sordid excuse for a mother said as she brushed past Syrah and I without another word. Each time she barked an order at us it really grated on my nerves. 'So disrespectful... she better not speak to MY Max like this,' I thought. Slowly, I got to my feet, pulling my coat on and doing up the buttons. I was just beginning to follow John and Kate to the door, when I heard a voice call me back.

"Esther? Esther, wait one moment!" It was Cynthia. 'Now what does she want?' It took all of my inner strength not to scream at her to fuck off. She came towards me, a concerned look on her face. "May I speak with you in private for a moment?"

"Must you?" Kate voiced what I was thinking. The doctor nodded. I dared not to take another step forward. I simply wanted to go home and sulk for the rest of the day.

"It won't take a minute. Esther, if you will… " She gestured for me to follow her. Could this day not just be over? I kept my head down as I traipsed along after her. She stopped a few feet from her office, arms folded across her chest. "Esther, look at me please." With a heavy heart, I raised my head to meet her gaze, something that filled me with a deathly dread. "Now Esther, I've received word from my secretary that you seemed very upset earlier in the bathroom..."

That fucking secretary told! How dare she? Could she not keep her nose OUT of my business? "I-I..." I started, feeling a pink blush paint my cheeks.

"I'm just really worried about you. We've just met and I really mean that. Is everything REALLY okay at home? Mommy and daddy, they've never been mean to you, have they? Have they ever did anything mean or cruel to you? I just don't like how your mother was behaving." She gave a pointed look to my wrists. Was she accusing the Coleman's of abusing me? I knew I had to deny this. After all, I certainly didn't want my John to get into any sort of trouble. And I certainly DID NOT want the police or anyone else to suddenly become involved.

"No, I swear my mommy and daddy are really nice to me. They've never been mean to me at all. They love me a lot. Why would you say something like that?" I said sweetly.

"Are you sure?" She didn't sound at all convinced. "If there's anything you need to talk about, you can tell me. You can trust me, Esther. There had to be a reason why you got so upset.."

"Well..." I trailed off. I suddenly realised that I could easily land Kate in some hot water. "It's just.. Mommy is so angry and sad lately. She's always yelling at daddy over something. It makes me sad whenever I see them fighting. But I don't want to say anything, I don't want my mommy and daddy to worry about me. I just want my mommy to be happy again. I'm real sorry I was so upset, doctor. I just.. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep all my emotions to myself."

"Has your mother ever.. Has she ever laid a hand on you? Ever hit you or anything?" I shook my head.

"No, no she hasn't." I knew if I admitted to being whipped, I could find myself out of the house and in the dreaded custody of the state foster care system.

Cynthia surveyed me for an agonisingly long minute before nodding. "Okay, Esther. Thank you. You can go now, sweetheart. Have a pleasant day and try to feel better."

Nodding my thanks, I turned and made my way outside to where the Colemans and my sister were waiting for me. "What did she want?" Kate barked.

"Just to talk, mommy. That's all. Can we go home now? I'm real tired."

"I bet you're beat, honey," John gave me a sympathetic smile as we approached the car. "And I'm very proud of you, you know that?" I noted he didn't include Kate in this statement. Into the back seat once again, I did up my seat belt and waited as Kate revved up the engine. Syrah was staying quiet, she knew better than to speak up after having been so rudely chastised by Kate earlier. The drive home was a tense one, not a single word spoken between any of us. Kate kept a death grip on the steering wheel, eyes staring straight ahead in intense focus. The nervous flutter in my stomach hadn't let up at all. I leaned my chin on my palm, looking out the window at the people outside as we passed them. The happy families, the loving couples walking through the nearby park even on this blustery winter's day. Each of them looked so content, each of them having a reason for being. A reason for really living. I envied every one of them.

Why couldn't I find such peace? I ruminated over the unfairness of this as we pulled up to the house. 'Finally.. home..' I thought as the car rolled to a stop. I unbuckled my seatbelt, feeling once again as though the weight of the whole world was still resting upon my tired body. Kate got out of the car, kicking the door shut behind her as she stormed into the house. Syrah and I both looked at each other, but knew it better than to comment. With a frustrated sigh, John got out of the car and followed his wife into the house. "That woman", he mumbled. Syrah and I followed close behind.

As soon as we entered our 'home' I began to make my way upstairs. "Where are you going?" Kate snapped in her shrill, aggravated voice. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes as I faced her.

"I'm gonna go lie down for a bit, mommy. I'm really tired. Please, if I may." I didn't even bother to wait for her answer as I made my way up to my bedroom. I didn't need that bitch's approval to do ANYTHING. I closed the door gently, tossed the childish toys on my bed onto the floor, and laid down, curling into a tight ball. I stopped thinking. I was too stunned to think anymore. My brain felt fried. I felt as if the very life had drained out of me. I felt my eyes grow heavy and listless.. So tired... just so, so tired..

The nightmare I am about to write about is, quite possibly, the most terrifying one I have ever experienced. Even now, as I sit here, pen shaking in my hand, I almost don't want to bring myself to write it down, but I know that I must. Perhaps if I write it down it will no longer have the power to torment me...

The dream began joyfully enough. I skipped happily downstairs, ready to spend the day playing with my sweet daughter. Max sat upon a bean bag, colouring pad and crayons in her lap, tongue sticking out in concentration as she drew what looked to be another picture of the two of us. 'So talented.. she'll give her mommy a run for her money when she gets older,' I thought fondly. Of course, 'mommy' was referring to me, not Kate. As I neared the bottom step, the doorbell suddenly rang, startling me slightly. 'Probably just the postman or something,' I thought.

"I'll get it!" I chirped. Kate looked up from her place on the couch but didn't say a word, pushing her reading glasses up her nose as she went back to her book. Something inside me was telling me not to open the door. Call it intuition or whatever you will, but I knew something was wrong. I reached up to undo the latch on the door and what I saw next shocked me. There, arms folded coldly across her chest, stood Sister Abigail, the nun from St. Mariana's.

The cheerful, innocent smile on my face instantly changed into a look of disdain as I came face to face with a woman I thought I had left behind me. I could feel a shiver run through my entire body. "W-what are you doing here?" I asked innocently, noting how my Estonian accent seemed more subdued than usual.

Sister Abigail stared down at me. The look in her eyes was terrifying. She reached out and grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer to her. "I think you need to come with me, don't you..." She put her mouth close to my ear, "Leena Klammer?"

My eyes widened. I managed to wrangle myself from her iron grip as I let out a shocked, breathless gasp. "No, no, no.. this can't be happening!" I repeated over and over, tripping over myself as I staggered backwards into the house. Sister Abigail chased after me, arms reaching out like gnarled branches, face contorted in a furious rage. "Please, please.. no!" I screamed to the heavens. Kate glanced over casually but did nothing, as if this were a normal sight for her.

Abigail continued her unrelenting approach, seeming to be inhumanly fast. I spotted my sister in the kitchen and made my way to her. "Syrah! Syrah, please help me! HELP ME! She's out to get me! SHE'S FUCKING HERE!" I shrieked, clutching onto her. I was shaking, tears streaming down my face. I could feel my make-up begin to run, a part of Esther that was literally pouring right off of me. "What.. what's going on?" Syrah sounded as terrified as I was. "What is this? For heaven's sake!"

But I couldn't even answer her as our attention was directed to a mist coming from the heating vent. It surrounded us both, a black mist that obscured our vision, causing me to cough and splutter uncontrollably as it filled my nostrils with the sickly scent of decaying flesh. A high pitched scream escaped my lips as I felt something dragging me away from my sister. I glided along the floor as I felt an invisible force drag me along, absolutely determined to take me away. "Syrah! Syrah, please! SYRAHHHH! Please, do something NOW!" As the mist cleared, I turned my head to come face to face with the man who haunted my nightmares every night, the man who had locked me up for six years of my life. Dr. Varava.

I twisted in his firm grip, writhing like a fish caught on a line. "LET GO OF ME, GODDAMN YOU! JUST LET GO! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOUUUUUU" I spat violently in his face as I continued to struggle, knowing that my life depended on it.

"You little, bitch!" he snarled, raising his hand and bringing it down upon my cheek. I felt my knees buckle as I collapsed into a heap on the floor. Dr. Varava grabbed my arm and tried to haul me to my feet. "Get up, little whore. It's time for you to DIE!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASEEEEEE!" I kicked and struggled as I was dragged along with what little strength I had left. Tears saturated my face, dribbling down my cheeks, nose running, heart seeming to have stopped in my chest. I saw John coming out of his office and began to cry out to him. "Daddy! DADDY, HELP ME! PLEASE, DADDY!" My pleas were being heard by nobody.

He silenced my screams with another sharp slap to my face. "Don't you call me that! You're no daughter of mine! How could you ever think I would love you? How could I ever have left an escaped mental patient into my home? A sociopath? A demon from hell?" I cried bitterly as the man who should have been my one true lover turned his back on me. "Take her out of my sight, doctor." I was aghast! "This isn't happening. Oh, good God this isn't happening!"

"John, please! Please, I love you! Don't let them take me! PLEASE! I'm supposed to be yours, damn it. We have a life together! John, please, I beg of you!" But he would not come to my aid. Dr. Varava continued to haul me towards the door, my throat hoarse from screaming, no strength in my tired body to fight back. I could hear a car's engine outside. As we stepped out into the brisk coldness, I was absolutely horrified by what I saw awaiting me.

A black hearse waited in the driveway, the back door opened, ready to take me away. "NOOOO!" I sobbed uncontrollably, wretching and gagging as the doctor picked me up in his iron grip. "PLEASE, GOD! SOMEONE HELP!" I felt myself go limp as Sister Abigail and Dr. Varava each grabbed one of my arms and tossed me into an open coffin.

Trembling in pure terror, I looked down, feeling my straight jacket begin to tighten around me, cutting off my air supply, digging into my skin. I tried to beg, to plead once more for mercy, but the words would not come to me.

"Sister!" Syrah cried in desperation as she came running out of the house. "LEENA! LEENA!"

I found my voice yet again. "Syrah, help me! DON'T LET THEM HURT ME! PLEASE, SYRAH! DON'T YOU LOVE ME? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME? " Abigail clamped a hand down over my mouth, preventing me from calling out any further. As I lay sobbing in the coffin, I could see my sister standing frozen in place. It was over.. this was it. Dr. Varava loomed over me, his face contorted in maniacal laughter, a cruel, callous look in his cold eyes. There was simply no logic to this madness.

"Hold her still.." he barked to Abigail, who willingly obliged. A searing pain shot through my entire body. I shrieked in absolute terror as the doctor's hands tore right through skin, bone and muscle alike as if he were an animal tearing apart it's kill. 'This can't be happening.. this CAN'T BE HAPPENING! Wake up, Leena, WAKE THE FUCK UP!' I told myself over and over to come to my senses, that reality can't possibly be this cruel. Syrah had collapsed to her knees, crying as she extended an arm towards me in final desperation. My throat constricted, each muscle in my body had become too tensed to move. Dr. Varava pulled back, a triumphant, smug look on his face. He sneered down at me. My eyes almost bulged out of their sockets as I caught sight of the bloody, pulsing object in the doctor's hand. My heart...

**In the next chapter, Leena awakes from her disturbing dream, but when Kate receives an urgent phone call, Leena comes to the realization that she is about to fight a real life nightmare. Thanks again to NoComparison for her dedication and talent, it is VERY much appreciated! Please review and subscribe :D**


	52. Fahrenheit Rising

**In the last chapter, Leena was subjected to more Q and A from Doctor Browning but things came to a head when Leena lost her wrist ribbon, causing the doctor to question whether Esther was being abused by her adoptive parents. After unleashing her temper in the women's bathroom and on Syrah, she soon returns home, only to fall asleep and sink into a horrible nightmare...**

**Author's Note – Another round of applause for NoComparison for her continual and enthusiastic input with this series :) She is doing a great deal of refining and expanding on this work and I appreciate her editing of this chapter. If you don't read "Devil With The Angel's Eyes", Esther will find you T_T! Now, we continue on...**

This dream was becoming more and more real as I sank further into a deeper sleep. I could feel the lid of the casket shut tightly, almost rattling my bones. I was trapped! My field of vision abruptly vanished as I found myself in the deepest, inkiest darkness one could possibly imagine, as if in the depths of a great sea. The air instantly grew thick and heavy as the will to survive kicked in. A dank, musty odor invaded my nostrils, pervading them like a spreading cancer. I knew that if I didn't make it out of that hearse that my existence would soon come to an end. I thrashed, kicked and screamed. I called out for John and my sister. For ANYONE who could help me. But I was alone in this dark box. There was no caring ear to heed my desperate pleas. Where were they taking me? Could somebody PLEASE tell me before it's too late!

It wasn't long before each gasp of breath took an increasing amount of effort as the air in the casket quickly began to grow thinner. I gasped more desperately for each precious breath. My lungs burned from exhaustion as I struggled for every last bit of air as the supply rapidly diminished. I began to violently hyperventilate as I slammed my hands against the coffin lid until they were raw, feeling the painful blisters as they began to form on my skin.

I placed a hand upon my chest, feeling the empty cavity where my heart had once been. I shuddered in disgust as my tiny fingers felt bone, muscle and sinew. Bile rose in my throat and I could feel it dribbling down my chin. I retched and gagged, screaming at the top of my lungs, my throat stinging in pain.

I pounded, and pounded and pounded some more. Each burst draining me of more of my precious energy. I began to claw at the wooden surface of the casket lid like a trapped animal, the splinters digging their way deep underneath my broken fingernails. The darkness had enveloped me like a deadly cloud. "LET ME OUT! DON'T KILL ME! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY, JUST PLEASE SPARE MY LIFE!" I cried in vain despondence. "I'M A HUMAN BEING! I'M A LADY! PLEASE, JUST TELL ME WHY? I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

My life, my brief existence, it all seemed to polarize into a singularity. One brief moment of every event I had ever experienced seemed to flash before my eyes in some surreal, almost cliché horror show. My childhood in Estonia, my incarceration at Saarne, my time with the Sullivans. Syrah. John. Max. Their faces swam in my mind, all the people for whom I reserved the deepest depths of my love for. But now, none of them could save me. None of them could come to my aid, despite how much I wished it could be so. Now here I was in the very grip of annihilation. Any hope I had of escape was quickly withering away like an Autumn leaf as I listened to my captors laughing fiendishly from within the hearse, drinking in my desperation as if it were a drug.

The adrenaline rush had sent me into a full and wild panic. This was a full fledged fight for my survival. But I knew that my demise was just minutes away. I could feel myself edging closer to the black, abysmal chasm of death itself. Try as I might to escape the inevitable, but I had to face the horrible truth that there was no turning back this time. I began to violently throw my body around inside the death box, my sobs fertilizing the rich field of death that was being prepared for me. Eternal darkness was fast encroaching. Who could annul this panic? Who could annul this masquerade of death's dance, sickle ready for the slaughter? I felt a cold hand on my shoulder...and suddenly.

A frightened gasp escaped my lips as I shot up in my bed like a bottle rocket.. My sheets were soaked in sweat, my brow was moist as if I had been caught in a rainstorm, my clothing soaked. I was finally awakened from the hell that I had found myself in. I cast a nervous glance to my right, hands raised in defence, poised, ready to fight, to scream. I was half expecting to see Doctor Varava glaring at me from over my bed, a real life monster who would be ready to finish me off. But no. Such a gentle and familiar face. It was only my sister, her hand still planted on my shoulder, that had cast me back into reality. My hand rested over my throbbing heart "Thank God, it's only you!" I said with overwhelming relief.

"Well, what were you expecting?" she asked curiously, taking my hand in hers. "I didn't mean to wake you or anything. Here, have some beef soup that I made. You've been eating way too little lately." She extended the bowl to me but all I could do was offer a dead stare. Concerned, my sister put it down on the end table next to the bed. "Don't slouch, Leena. Sit up straight and talk to me. What's wrong? I know today was rough on us, do you want to talk about it? I'm sure there's plenty more that you want to get off your mind. Share what you're feeling with me."

I held my hand up to my chest. I was unable to stop it as it shook uncontrollably. I knew I could talk to Syrah about what had just happened without any trepidation. "I had the most terrible dream. They...Sister Abigail and Doctor Varava, they came to get me."

Syrah sat closely at my side as she caressed my hair. "They came, Syrah. There was nothing either of us could do about it. They forced me out of the house and I was dragged into some coffin that they had waiting for me. I was in a hearse or something, I'm not sure. You can't begin to imagine how hard I fought... I-I.. am I really safe?" I closed my eyes as I struggled to control my breathing. I still wasn't fully awake.

"For as long as I live I'll never be able to forget this. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed. Those monsters, those damn devils. They slammed that casket shut and I was trapped. I couldn't breath. I couldn't get out of that box. It was realistic, Syrah. So vivid and lifelike. I could even feel the wood as I tried clawing my way out of there. They tore my heart out. They literally tore my heart out. That.. damn Doctor Varava.. He ripped it out of my chest and l-laughed at me."

"Trapped," I repeated. "That's the story of my fucking life, isn't it?" I began crying quietly, unable to shake the fresh images from my psyche. I felt so vulnerable and traumatized at that moment. "Oh my God, I must be losing my mind!" I collapsed my head onto her shoulder, begging for some compassion.

Of course, my sister was quick to intervene. She wrapped her arms around me, rocking us both back and forth, in much the same way a parent would to a scared little child, which was exactly what I felt like in that moment. Vulnerable and helpless. ''Honey, listen to me, it was just a bad dream, okay? We're safe now, alright? You're just under too much stress. So am I, you don't think I don't have ten thousand things on my mind? Nobody is going to come after you. We fooled that doctor today, honey. We did what we had to do to survive it. Wasn't I right with what I said before we left this morning? Yeah, it wasn't smooth sailing, I know that, but we're still one step ahead of everybody else and that's how we need to try and keep it. A silly little dream can do you no harm."

In tears, I tore the ribbons off of my wrists, tossing them angrily onto the sheets. I extended my mangled, hideous wrists towards my sister. "What about these, huh? Was she fooled when she seen these scars? Look how deep they are. Look how UGLY they are? Go on, what do you think? You heard Kate screaming in her own self defense. The doctor thinks this was some sort of ABUSE!" I punched the headboard of my bed, snarling in frustration, leaving a slight dent in the drywall. Syrah cringed at the violent outburst.

"Leena, I've been eavesdropping on John and Kate since we've got home and they haven't mentioned anything about ribbons or scars. It's safe to say that the doctor kept quiet, at least about those. Believe me, if Kate was told anything about these terrible things she would have been on you in a second. Trust me, you would know about it." I struggled in vain to make myself believe this but I had a feeling the truth was something much harder to swallow.

"I'm trying REALLY hard, Syrah. Really hard to believe that's the truth and I mean that. To make some logical sense out of it. They say everything happens for a reason, but I'm still trying to understand exactly what that reason is."

She put a hand on my thigh, the concerned look magnified in her gentle, watery brown eyes. Syrah spoke carefully, taking care to measure every word. "Klam Klam... little sister... Just have faith. I know that's a tall order but you need to have faith sometimes."

I almost wanted to think that my sister was being sarcastic if not foolhardy. Was she honestly serious? Did she hear the words that came out of her own mouth? I arched an eyebrow skeptically, cocking my head to the side as I faced my sister.

"Faith? We're going to need more than faith from now on. Will faith help to bury my sorrows? Will faith help to trample my fears? Is faith going to erase these scars? Will faith.. will faith be the saviour that will keep my dreams from dying?"

I returned my head to Syrah's shoulder, closing my eyes as my chest heaved up and down, listening to myself breath. "I just have a feeling about something too awful to think about. Some terrible mishap is about to fall upon us both and my intuition is rare in failing me. I don't know what it is exactly, but there's something out there lurking for us. How can I eat or sleep or enjoy anything knowing that? I scarcely can snatch a moment's rest in these dark days and for what? Syrah, if only you could feel what I am feeling then I think we could really both see each other eye to eye on these sort of things."

Syrah quickly grabbed my velvet ribbons from off the bed sheets, fastening them hastily around my neck and wrists. "For God's sake Leena, I don't want to see those damn scars. It upsets me, it really does. They remind me of all the hell you've been through. Those six years you spent in that damn straightjacket. You poor woman, the heavy heart you must carry everyday knowing what they've done to you. What they've taken from you. They robbed us of each other for those six years. Six years we can never get back. How you manage to make it by day in and day out simply amazes me."

I watched a lone tear crease down her face and under her chin. She covered her mouth with her hands as she began to weep bitterly. This surprised me, how long had it been since I seen her break down? I embraced her, gently stroking her long black hair, velvet to the touch, giving her the same loving comfort she would always give to me. I wanted to return the favour, for once! Her soul was always so easily moved. Never was there so gentle an angel who wet their cheeks for my sake.

"It's because of you. It's because of John. It's because of Max. That's how I'm getting by.", I told her plainly. She sniffled, drying her reddened eyes. "Thank you.", she said. "Didn't mean to start crying like that."

"Don't worry about such trivialities." I said. "Dry your tears. And don't upset yourself with what happened to me at Saarne. Let us leave the past in the past. Today has held enough trouble. And I speak truthfully when I say that these days are so full of danger, Syrah. I need to prepare myself for whatever may come. We cannot lie about as petty onlookers when vultures come to feast. These vultures with human form and human heart, yet inhuman intent to bring us both to the gates of misery..."

She gave me a peaceful eye.. "Let's not talk like that anymore, Leena. Remember, have faith. It'll carry us through this insanity, I promise. One little step at a time. Something good has to come out of all of this." Her words were doing little to snub my fears.

"Syrah, when wise people see dark clouds they put on their cloaks. I have a lot of thoughts to attend to. Whether you choose to admit to it or not, the clouds are beginning to darken even more so than before. Curse it all and damn it to hell! But that's the story of my life, I'll tell you something, though. Without you, John, and Max. There would be no means in which to endure it."

Syrah firmly took hold of my shoulders, turning my torso to face her. "Sweet of you to say. But what more then can I say to persuade you? Maybe mere words are not enough. You will see in the course of due time that today's episode was little more than a bump in the road. And in that due time you will forget about it altogether, maybe even be light hearted about it."

I frowned at those words as they were filled with little more than an empty hope to me. Just wishful thinking on my sister's part, no matter how good be the nature of her intent.

"I fear the worst and nothing less," I said. "There's nothing trivial about what happened this morning. Forgive me for taking what you say with a grain of salt. Something...something absolutely horrible is about to happen and we have no choice but to allow it to unfold. But, I really can't blame you for what happened today. We both ran aground. So I'll suffer whatever consequences come of it."

Syrah was becoming a little despondent by my rantings. She ran her hands through her hair, pursing her lips, sighing deeply. I could tell that all of this was as taxing on her just as much as it was on me, no matter how hard she may have tried to hide it for my sake.

"Leena, for the last time, you're overreacting. Scarcely a day goes by when you're not paranoid over this thing or that thing. There's no need to be melodramatic about all this. I'm just trying to look out for your well being, is that a crime in your eyes?"

She took a passing glance out of the window, gazing up into the endless, empty sky. "But in any case, I won't allow you to grieve alone. I'm worried sick about the toll this is taking on you. This can't be of any benefit to your health. Haven't I told you that before?" She put a warm hand on my cheek and then my forehead as a mother would to a sick child. "You look so pale and peakish. You're getting dark circles. You...you feel so cold to the touch. It's almost like ice. You're going to send yourself to an early grave."

I chuckled slightly. "Oh? And do you think I lack foresight about what all of this is doing to me?" I tugged at my hair emphatically. "Do you see any gray hairs yet on my head? No? Well I guess you have a point. But you want to know why I worry, Sy Sy? Because I care too much! I care too much for my own future and for my future with this family. For you. For John. For Max. That is the Trinity that I worship!"

I couldn't help but to let my words flow forth like some overly emotional poet. But what really got under my skin and gnarled at me was just the fact that she was trying to brush off today's event as "a bump in the road". It was almost an insult to my intelligence that she would want me to believe this. That "bump" was more like a mountain and one that was growing nonetheless.

"Sometimes I wish I could become a bird and just fly out that window, Syrah. Just fly away to some distant land," I mused in idealism. "Where life could be less dreadful than this. A place to rest. No more pins and needles, you know? A place called..'' my voice became even more sorrowful and forlorn, ''home." Syrah ignored my fantasy as little more than idle babbling..

"Listen, just eat your soup, dear," she said, pushing the bowl towards me. I ignored it, I was in absolutely no mood to eat and I doubted I would be for a long time to come. Syrah cupped my cheek. "You really need to try and eat something. I'm going downstairs to play the piano if you would like to join me in a little bit. If I try to sit around all day I'll go stir crazy. So come down when you're finished, alright? Don't stay in bed for the rest of the day. There's no need for me to lecture you. I know well enough that there's plenty going on in both of our heads. We have full enough plates as it is." She gave me a gentle and loving kiss on the forehead, ever so fair and sweet..

"Yes, Syrah. If it makes you happy." With a smile of contentment, she took her leave, closing the door quietly behind her. I listened to her soft footsteps as they meandered down the hallway. I hated the silence that followed. It was like the calm before the storm to me. The only thing I could hear were my own racing thoughts. I played out what had happened this morning again and again and again. I thought of every scenario that may have happened. Could it have gotten any worse? I sunk back into my melancholy. It was as if I were resigning myself to whatever fate was lying ahead, just out of reach. I could almost feel it bearing down on me, ready to deliver the final blow that would crush my mind, body, and spirit.

'My sister, she just doesn't understand. She just doesn't get it,' I thought hopelessly. A bitter knot began to form in my stomach. Sure, I had her empathy, I had her love, and I had her sympathy and compassion. But why did she have to be so optimistic when something so horrible had to occur? Maybe she was simply trying to block it out and pretend that none of these horrors had ever happened to begin with. Her own little coping mechanism for dealing with those trying events.

What I wouldn't give to do this day all over again. Oh, how different things would be. I sat at the edge of my bed and glanced forward into the mirror. I appeared to be little more than a disheveled pile of human misery who had fallen to their absolute lowest point. I turned away in disgust, horrified and sickened by the wretched creature that I had become.

Seeing my own reflection was the same as looking into the eyes of a demon. Despite how much I loathed myself, I used to be always able to at least stand the sight of Esther in the mirror, but now... now I abhorred to even look at her. The ribbons hanging pathetically in my hair had might as well been made of barbed wire. That already delicate line between Esther Coleman and Leena Klammer was blurring ever thinner. But even in the late hours of the day, my tempest calmed to a tolerable degree, there was little else to do other than to reflect. I could feel my stomach churning, urging me to consume the soup my sister had made.

Despite being in no mood to eat, I lazily took hold of the bowl. I tried my best just to put the smallest spoonful to my mouth but I found myself too troubled to take so much as a sip. But alas, my attention was immediately taken to the doorknob as my door opened again. I had another visitor, none other than Max, that precious little angel. The tiniest seed of cheer began to rise inside of me. Like my sister, she was another ray of sunshine amiss a sea of thick darkness.

"Oh, so few be better to pay me a visit! Max, come sit for awhile by your big sister, won't you?" I signed. She quickly took pride and place next to me, her hair bouncing on her shoulders. She certainly had recovered well from all of the recent trauma and it was by no doubt quite surprising to witness her return to her own brand of unabashed and charming innocence. A small miracle in its own right.

"Syrah told me to cheer you up," the little one informed me with an endless zeal. She took my hand in hers, playing innocently with my fingers. With my other hand, I stroked my daughter's hair, taking utmost delight in the bright, innocent smile she always seemed to reserve solely for her mommy. By mommy, of course, I mean me, and not that wretch, Kate. Did I really even need to say that?

"Oh, how thoughtful of the two of you," I said, my voice becoming more lively. "Aren't you and Syrah so wonderful to me?" I leaned over to give my precious angel a hug, lifting her onto my lap. "And I love you both, so very, very much," I whispered into her hearing aid, my heart swelling and tears pricking my eyes when she signed the words back to me.

Max's expression suddenly went from innocently cheerful to somber and morose, well, as somber and morose as a little one her age could get. She slid off my lap, taking her place by my side. My baby rested her head against my shoulder, blinking innocently up at me. "Syrah said you were sad. Something wrong?" she signed.

I let my shoulders drop as I took a deep exhale. I didn't really want to give her any idea of my merciless condition. "It's just that...today's been really, really hard," I said in a childish manner. "Because mommy made me go to the doctor and I didn't like it one bit. No, Max, it wasn't nice. I don't like doctors.. who does?" Max seemed confused, as if she had no knowledge of the appointment, which was perfectly fine by me. I quickly vouched to change the subject. Just speaking about Doctor Browning any further would make me want to go throw up in the trash bin.

"But never mind about that, Max. Really, it's over now. Why don't you tell your big sister about how you did in school today? Mommy was saying last week that report cards are coming soon." I just wanted to have some plain and edifying conversation with the girl whom I had claimed as my daughter. Was that too much to ask?

The little girl smiled coyly before quickly materializing a brown slip of paper, extending it to me with a toothy little grimace. "And what do you bring for me here?" I remarked, taking it gently from her tiny hand. "Ah, so report cards came today?" I said heartily. How surprised I was when I unfolded the slip and seen how well my pride and joy had really done. "And look what we have here, straight A's across the board!" I proudly boasted. Max's face seemed to glow with the pride she felt for herself. "My eyes must be playing a trick on me! Come here, you!"

I scooped up the little one into my lap again, nuzzling her with my nose, kissing her all over. She squealed in joy as the two of us collapsed onto the bed on our sides, laughing hysterically. "You did so well! Yes you did!" I tickled the child's stomach, exciting a high pitched laugh from the little one as she rolled to and fro.

For me, this was another cherished "mommy moment". Max managed to roll away from me, playfully throwing a stuffed animal my way. I dodged it briskly, all the while continuing to laugh and bask in Max's joyful mood. She tossed a second one at me before noisily hopping back onto the bed.

She certainly didn't need the ability to speak to tell me how she felt. She grabbed one of the pillows and quickly began a pillow fight. I took another pillow and held it over my face, pretending to scream. Max was jumping up and down on the bed, an endless little ball of energy. I pretty much let her get the better of me as she had her fun.

But our little playtime together was short lived. I looked up to see Kate staring me down with a stoic expression from outside the doorway. It was a look of complete and total contempt for me. It was as if I were the sole cause of every problem in her life. Max had stopped dead in her tracks and collapsed down onto the mattress, unsure of what to make of her mother's coldness which must have seemed so alien to her young mind.

Kate's stone cold eyes seemed to grab hold of my heart. I knew without a doubt what she was trying to tell me. She wanted me to know how much of a thorn in her side that I had become. I couldn't even begin to estimate how long she stood there before moving back towards her room. Max's mouth hung open in a perfect oval shape. But I refused to allow myself to be intimidated by that woman's advances. I scooted over and patted Max's back a few times, letting her know that there was nothing to be concerned about. Her new mommy would make damn sure of that!

The six year old slowly inched her way off the bed and tiptoed to the door. She cautiously grabbed hold of the doorway before peaking her little head out into the hall. It was as if she were searching for a monster. Whether Kate intended to or not, she had no doubt placed the fear back into Max's heart. She looked back towards me. I put a finger to my mouth to hush her. The air was electric. I felt that Kate would jump out at any moment to claim the both of us. But I'll say it again, I would NOT allow her to intimidate me any further. Max had my full protection but I wasn't comfortable with her curiosity.

"Max, get back here!" I said softly yet with a sense of urgent need. The little one refused my pleas and headed out into the hallway. I tried to convince myself that there was nothing to be worried about. After all, Max wasn't the one who had done anything wrong. Kate placed the blame solely on my shoulders, and Syrah's as well for that matter. But I still felt an unshakeable fear as Max exited the bedroom and disappeared out of sight. A mother's instinct after all is to keep their child safe.

This stuck in my mind as I rallied to my feet to go after her. The worst case scenario in my mind being that Kate would take her anger out on the innocent child. Kate seemed capable of anything. After all, do I even need to mention the incident with the belt again? The woman was a pile of explosives just waiting to be lit.

'Thanks for ruining our fun, Kate,' I thought wretchedly. Setting my fears to the side, I boldly took a step into the hallway. "Come on Max, this isn't...", but NO, I wasn't allowed to finish my sentence. I instantly felt a stern, cold hand grip the back collar of my dress. In the blink of an eye, before I could try to mount any reaction, I found myself being dragged backwards and down the hall with such force that my feet were literally dragging on their heels. "WHAT IS THIS?" I cried out shrilly. I shrieked as if the devil himself had come to take me as his prize. I was suddenly swung around with great speed, sending me into a severe dizzy spell.

All I could focus on was Kate's menacing, glowering face, coming back to haunt me yet again. "Be quiet, just BE QUIET!" she warned maliciously. This could not be good! I twisted like a fish on a line, hollering at the top of my lungs, begging, pleading to be released.

She continued dragging me by the arm, a sharp pain shooting through it. I fell down to my knees as I struggled for my freedom. "Mommy, NO! MOMMY! I didn't do anything WRONG! What did I do?" I cried vehemently. "PLEASE, MOMMY! Please! LET ME GO! You're HURTING ME!"

"GET IN THE BEDROOM RIGHT NOW!" she screamed. I refused to rise to my feet. "I SAID...GET IN THERE!" I flinched at the shear tenaciousness and intensity within her voice. But I wasn't about to give up the fight just yet. Like a brutal tug of war I began to pull against Kate. I refused to make things easy for her. The sleeve of my blouse suddenly teared as Kate pulled me along the wooden floor like a sack of rocks.

"SYRAH? DADDY?" Where were they? Why was Kate doing this to me? Why wasn't I being helped? I could have used a hero right about then. A knight in shining armour to come riding to my rescue, to whisk me away on his white steed. But screaming bloody murder was not affecting a rescue.

Then I realized that what had happened in my dream had carried over into reality. Had my mind been trying to tell me something? To warn me of this? I was being taken against my will! I called out to them again but there was still no answer. "STOP FIGHTING, ESTHER, STOP IT AND DO WHAT I TELL YOU FOR ONCE!" Kate's voice was becoming more booming, steeped in her spitefulness. Her harsh demeanor was filled deep with an endless reservoir of pent up anger. As hard as I tried, Kate was simply too big and too strong for me to fight alone. Quickly, I was hauled into Kate's bedroom like a limp rag doll.

Why had my pleas for help gone unaided? Where was Syrah, where was John?

Kate violently slammed the door with a stern kick, seeming to cause the entire room to reverberate. I laid like a load on the carpet, trying in futility to understand what this was all about. She stood over my nimble frame like a towering monument. Her back was straight and her arms were stiff at her sides. She could have done whatever she wanted to do to me at that point.

"You, young lady. You have answers and I want them right now!" she growled. "You're such an impetulant child," she hissed, clearly disgusted by even being within my presence. What was about to go down next? My mind could give me no hint of an answer. I remembered the sting of the belt only days before and I wasn't in any mood for a repeat.

"Why are you lying on the ground? STAND UP! On your feet, this instant, young lady!" It didn't matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was stronger than Kate, she had me shaking all over in a fright. I rose slowly to face her, struggling to maintain my balance, doing everything to avoid even a passing glance into her hollow eyes. I braced myself, almost expecting to be cracked across the mouth but I held my silence. Kate was now the apex predator and I was her prey. It was supposed to be the other way around. NOT LIKE THIS!

My mind was flush with reasons for this sudden episode. But Kate was quick to fill in the blanks for me. She paced before me like a pack mule, shaking her head in dismay. She was wearing a heavy mind, that was surely for certain. "I want answers, Esther. And don't you dare try to beat around the bush about this because believe me, I'm in no mood for it." I kept my head hung low so as not to appear defiant, trying to take on the role of subservient, docile little Esther. I tensed my muscles in an attempt to stop the shaking which seemed to work so long as I focused on it. Kate continued forward with what she had to say.

"What did you tell Doctor Browning this morning? And you better be honest with me because I will find out one way or the other." I nervously rubbed my foot against the carpet before finally mustering the courage to meet her angry eyes.

"Nothing, mommy. Nothing bad or anything. We just.. we just talked, that's all. She's a real nice lady. Please, mommy. I didn't tell her anything bad", I told her with a shy and quiet sweetness. I knew that if I spoke to her in any other fashion that I would send her into another one of her trademark rages which was something the whole house could do without. Believe me, despite how much I wanted to spit and scream in that woman's face, I kept quiet for the sake of Max, John and my sister. Ironic, wasn't it? The idea that Leena Klammer was trying to protect people from someone else's rage.

Kate was becoming more assertive, more aggressive. The malice began to show on her face. "You're nothing but a spoiled, selfish little liar, you know that? That's all you do is LIE! She told me I was beating you. That I was hurting you. I swear to God, Esther. I SWEAR TO GOD! You better HOPE you didn't tell her that."

I shook my head in vehement denial. "No, mommy. The belt and all that. I swear, mommy. I didn't say that! I haven't told another soul. I stayed quiet like you wanted me to. Please don't hit me again, mommy. Please, I won't tell!" Keep in mind this was all just another act. Just a way of trying to win points and get out of this predicament. "Please don't be mad anymore, I don't like to see my mommy so unhappy." I tried to win the fool's sympathy by attempting to grab a hug but I was stopped as she pushed me away.

"Then why in the hell did she say that I was hurting you? And that sister of yours. What was she saying? Or are the both of you making up stories about me?" I was finding myself quickly running out of anything I could say that would placate her. Or was that even possible to begin with? She paced all around the room, passing back and forth from the closet to the window, running her hands through her unkempt hair in a growing wave of frustration. "And John," she said bitterly. "All your father does is spoil you rotten." Her harsh, hate filled voice, a clear sign of her true colours towards me. I dropped my eyes back to the carpet, almost wanting to pretend that the voice I was hearing was all in my head.

She leaned over me like a menacing monolith, but still, I refused to allow myself to crack and crumble into a pile of rubble. Nonetheless. her demeanor was ever so offensive to my sensibilities. She continued spewing her venomous words, a foul poison to my ears.

"You ungrateful little child. A brat, that's what you are. The things that must've come out of your mouth. And to think about all I have put on the line for you? Look at me when I speak." I slowly lifted my chin, once again forced to gaze upon this piece of living, breathing garbage. The sight of her was like a disease to my eyes. A curse on my very existence. She continued on in her tirade against me. "After all this time, what do I do for you? I take you out of that Girl's Home, I give you a REAL home. I feed you, I put a roof over your head, I treat you with love and respect. I try to give you a normal life, the best life I possibly can. And how am I repaid for all of this? What do I get in return? Do I get love? Do I get respect?"

She tore away the wrappings from her still wounded hand. A large, ugly scab had formed over where I had left those brutal, animalistic bite marks. It almost seemed to border on infection. She held the hand out to me, the sight filling me with a new found sickness.

"How about it, Esther? Care for another bite? Did mommy's blood taste good in your mouth?" She turned her head and spat to the side. Like it or not, and blush may I be to admit it, but now I was starting to become nervous. Where the hell was this all leading to? What was the method behind this madness?"

My back was now tight against the wall. There was hell in Kate's eyes. They were dark like the eyes of a serpent, completely devoid of joy or love. I could see it so crystal clear now. Suddenly, I found the courage beginning to well up inside of me, overcoming the brief wave of nervous apprehension that had so rashly overtaken my mind. She wanted to start war once more? Then I would oblige her wishes!

"Is that so, Kate? Your blood in my mouth? Consider those bites marks to be a little gift from me to you. How does that sound? Well, if you want to give me a good licking again then do it now, or do you have anything else to say to me?" This was a jaw dropping moment for her. She became ashen in her appearance, as if she had seen a ghost. It was obvious just how deeply offended she was by my attempt to so boldly hold my ground.

"You see 'mommy'," which I said with great sarcasm, my lip curling at the corner, feeling so much bolder, the fight returning to me for another round. "I think I understand why you're mad. Oh, yes Kate. Somebody's a little jealous?"

I could see the veins beginning to rise out of Kate's neck, almost at bursting point. She was red hot with rage. "What do you mean? Jealous? Jealous of WHAT?" she snarled, spraying me with spittle. I wiped my face in disgust, then turned back to face her.

"A pretty young woman named Syrah," I said keenly, snickering coldly at her. "A woman who you KNOW is so much better than you. Both inside AND out."

I think neither of us could quite believe what was coming out of my mouth. I felt empowered and emboldened for once in my life. It was such a liberating feeling that made me feel so alive, so enriched. And every word I spoke was like a little seed of hatred directed at Kate. But if I were to be so bold then she would double up on her efforts to extinguish my cocky, arrogant mannerisms.

"Oh, that sister of yours?" she said. "You mean the one who is after my husband? Hmm? That filthy slut? Her? Well, she's going to be out of here soon enough and if you keep it up, so are you. I'm so tired of everyone taking your side. I've had it up to HERE with all this, do you understand me? And I MEAN what I SAY, Esther."

I acted passively, as if her words went through one ear and out the other. I crossed my arms as I gave her a delightful smile, just like the first time we met. I almost wanted to stick my tongue out at her like the petulant child she thought of me as. "You wipe that smile off of your face before I do it for you, young lady!", she warned. I gave her a smug, arrogant look.

"And just so you know, Esther Coleman, guess who called? Sister Abigail! And guess who called her? Huh? Want to take a guess you spoiled child? Doctor Browning! I just got a phone call from Saint Mariana's about this! So what do YOU have to say now, you disrespectful brat?"

I looked at Kate as if she had horns growing out of her head and had turned bright pink. My eyes widened almost to the size of dinner plates. Did I just hear her correctly? For me, this was the straw to break the camel's back. This was NOT something that I wanted to hear if I lived a million years. The smile instantly melted from my face. The bold empowerment I had been feeling was now smothered by the most terrible sense of unwelcome dread. I began to feel light headed, as if the blood were draining from my brain. I swayed slightly from side to side.

A deathly chill came over my entire body, both inside and out. I raised my voice to my so called mother. There had to be some simple reason for this. "Why? Why did the doctor call Sister Abigail?" I demanded. "Tell me, Kate! WHY did she CALL?"

Kate looked like she wanted to smack the shit clear out of me. She pointed a finger right in my face. "Because of YOU! That's why! You told the doctor something serious about me and like it or not I'm going to find out and when I do you better hope to God to have an explanation or you can go live with your sister some place else for all I care." She pointed to the window in emphasis, her arm shaking.

Now the cards were all laid out on the table. I knew that there would soon be little to hide. "Sister Abigail is coming over tomorrow and I don't know what she wants to talk about. She won't answer my questions until she gets here in person. This is all your fault!" Kate poked me hard in the shoulder as she spoke. I turned my head away from that vile skank, too sickened to hear whatever else she had to spew out of her sewer hole of a mouth. Enraged by my defiance, she grabbed my chin and jerked my head forward, pressing hard on either side of my jaw. My lips forcefully puckered open in her hard grasp.

"And I'll tell you this right now because I'm not going to repeat myself twice. If I find out that you were making up stories to that doctor then you better start packing your suitcases this instant because I WILL see to it that you find another place to stay. And don't expect your father to come bailing you out this time because there's no way I'm going to allow him to interfere. If you DARE tried to make me look bad after all the things I have done for you and all of the sacrifices I have made, then so be it. I wish you all the best in your young life. But you won't be staying here another night if that's the case. Believe me, I'll make sure of that. Oh, the words I have to say to you! You have a lot of nerve, Esther. I will not allow a little manipulator to live around my children."

My expression was stone cold, flat and lifeless. "You can act as sweet as sugar all you want around your father, you slithering little snake. But I'm on to you. Oh yes!" God, when the hell would she just shut the fuck up already? Her threats, her idle remarks. Sticks and stones would break my bones, but her words meant shit to me. She continued on. "Tomorrow, we'll find out, Esther. What you did to me is just inexcusable. Don't think for a second that I've let it go." She angrily wrapped her bandages back around her hand. "Now, get out of my room.", she shouted passionately. "Go do something useful for a change."

For me there would be no parting words, no clever and witty comebacks. No, not this round. I peeled myself from off the wall and shuffled from out of her sight. I was hardly an inch out the door before she slammed it behind me. She did so with such a force that I nearly lost my balance. Suddenly, I heard Kate begin to cry. Bitter grief filled the air as her moans reverberated within my ears. But her cries were a true symphony to me. I fed off them, her misery was my sustenance. It kept me going, kept me moving. I smiled callously as they grew louder. I knew I was slowly chipping away at her foundations. I felt satisfied in my endeavor to prove to her how villainous I could truly be. Satisfied with how I was making her life a living hell.

And what was I thinking about the Doctor having called Sister Abigail? Many thoughts soon plagued my mind. Was she simply giving Sister Abigail some basic health information about me? Perhaps simply letting the nun know how I was adjusting to my new home? Or was it something more dire, more sinister? Something that I would dare not think about lest to drive myself mad? No, I had to be thinking too deep into this matter. Surely it was something plain and insignificant. Maybe if I told this to myself enough times then perhaps it would come true.

But my anger towards Kate soon took center stage once again. If she thought for a moment that she was going to permanently pry me away from MY John and MY Max then she was truly playing with some hot fire. I knew I could manipulate my way from out of any situation that may arise come the next day. For I wasn't about to be defeated by an incompetent nun and a housewife with drinking problems. Call me a narcissist, call me a manipulator, but I knew I would get the better of them when push came to shove, at least I hoped that would be the case.

By this time, I simply stood in the doorway to my room as I listened to Kate continue to throw herself an amusing pity party. "That little brat is GONE! That little brat is GONE!" she yelled out. "I don't give a rat's ass what anybody has to say! That brat and her whore of a sister are GONE! Both of them MUST GO!" Her voice was filled with a primal madness, so full of pain.. She was already dead inside, filled with a living death and I had been the cruel executioner to bring her to that hopeless point. And just as I had killed her soul, I hoped to soon enough be the executioner of her body as well. Both would go into the cold earth together, making eternal bedfellows of one another.

Suddenly, footsteps approached. I looked towards the stairs, glancing at Syrah as she climbed the steps before turning towards me down the hallway. She had managed to return to her casual self, seemingly unaware of what just happened. This made me angry. How could she not have heard the ruckus from down there? Kate was behaving like a wild lion and nobody noticed? I met her in the middle of the hall and grabbed her wrist, yanking her quickly into the privacy of my bedroom.

I managed to catch her off guard once again. "What is it now, honey? I was just going to take a nap in my room. I haven't been sleeping well myself, you know?" My eyes jerked around nervously. I was paranoid that my words were being listened on by you know who. When in doubt, it was a wonderful thing to be bilingual. My words measured out in Estonian, I could feel confident with saying what needed to be said to Syrah. After all, I was hell bent on keeping preserved what precious little privacy I felt that I had left.

The door shut, the two of us alone once again, I was free to speak my mind. "A nap? Now is not a good time for a NAP! Where in the hell were you? Do you know what that BITCH in the other room just did to me? Do you care to know? You're going to forget ALL about faith after what I have to tell you." My sister's eyes were glazed over in a sudden state of confusion. "Well?" I asked.

She finally shook herself out of it, placing a hand upon my shoulder in an attempt to bring me some measure of calm. Not that it would do much good in that regard. "Come on, Leena. Please, can't we just let it go already?" I took hold of her wrist once more and squeezed tightly, trying to emphasize the urgency of my situation.

"You mean you didn't hear Kate dragging me into her bedroom? You didn't hear me begging for her to release me. Where had you been when I needed you the most?" Syrah looked puzzled.

"What in the world are you talking about? I was outside getting some fresh air. It's too stuffy in this house. I just got in for Christ's sake." Letting my emotions boil over, I picked up a paintbrush from my easel and threw it at the mirror, bouncing off harmlessly but nevertheless letting Syrah know just how I was feeling.

She admonished me for my actions in a stern but gentle tone of voice. "Honey, lashing out is not the way to handle your problems here. Acting this way isn't going to win any sympathy with me and it's not going to help solve anything, is it? Remember to breath deep and let it all out in a healthy way." But right now I could care less about breathing exercises. There was danger all about and it was my duty to keep Syrah in the know.

"Syrah, let me get straight to the point with you. Kate was going ape shit because Doctor Browning called Sister Abigail and Sister Abigail just called Kate a matter of just a short while ago."

My sister was certainly quick to change her tune no sooner had those words departed my lips. "What is this about? How can I help you if I don't know?" she said.

I stomped my foot onto the floor. "Damn it, I DON'T KNOW! But, if I heard Kate correctly, and I swear I heard her say it. Sister Abigail, that bitch, she's coming over tomorrow to talk with John and Kate. Who the fuck knows what's going to happen from there!"

I grabbed hold of a ceramic pencil holder and raised it high above my head, as if wanting to slam it down on an opponent. Syrah grabbed hold of my wrist and attempted to wrestle the object from my firm, angry grasp. "Let go, give it to me. Stop it, Leena, STOP!" My hand weakened and I gave way as the pencil holder clattered to the ground. I slowly, ever so slowly began to back myself against the door. Turning my head, I let my body sink down to the ground until I was in a fetal position. I buried my head between my knees, crossing my arms over them. My mind was swimming. Every thought and emotion I was feeling seemed to be amplified a hundred times more than normal. My brain was overloaded. I couldn't get the thought of Sister Abigail out of my head, that evil witch. What trouble did she have in store for me?

Ah, the soft feeling of my sister's delicate fingernails caressing my scalp, lovingly gliding through my hair with the utmost tenderness. But I couldn't hold back. I broke down again into another sobbing fit. "Oh, Syrah. My God, how many tears have I cried this last week? For whom do I cry for? You and I. yes. John and Max, yes. But why can't I have some tears of joy for a change? I'm not asking for the world on a platter, am I? Kate threatened us both. She said we would both be out of the house come tomorrow. She knows Sister Abigail only has bad news to bring. This is the horrible catastrophe that I said was coming. We can't do anything about it now. You and I, we might as well pack our bags. It's game over."

Syrah crouched down in front of me. She stuck to the high road, refusing to allow herself to sink into my depths of despair. "All will be well, sweetheart. And let me be the first to say, no matter what tomorrow brings, be it good or bad, I love you. And I'm not going to abandon you no matter how crazy this roller coaster ride becomes. And I'm so sorry for what happened today, I really am. From the bottom of my heart, please accept my apology."

I clutched onto her like a frightened child would do to their parent. My voice shook as I spoke, my Estonian accent subdued. "I love you, too! If I had to, I would walk over broken glass, over hot coals, through hell itself and back if it meant I could make things better for you. For both of us. But it's all my fault. It's my fault. My fault! MY FAULT!" I tried to calm myself, but it was no use, a pointless endeavor. My voice was raised, my body trembling all over. I could feel the cold shiver running up the base of my spine.

"If it hadn't been for me acting like a fucking moron, none of this would have happened to begin with. And now look at us, look at what I put us in. No, you're not the one who needs to apologize here. You're blameless, you're heart is vindicated. You have every right to put the blame on my shoulders. I'm the one who needs to bear a guilty conscious, not you. Whatever consequences I'm forced to endure, it will be I and I alone to suffer them. But a patient heart I do not have to wait out such tedious and unrelenting madness."

Syrah was so touched. "Don't let Kate get the better of you, Leena. It's just not worth it. Believe me, dear, I know better than anybody that Kate wants me out of the house. It's something she wants to come true more than anything. But what is she doing? Making idle threats. There's no substance behind it, just words. Words most unnatural. Remember, John has the final say and not her. If I were you, I would keep my distance from Kate for the rest of the day. She's in no mood and neither are we. You understand?" A glimmer of hope had finally returned to my sad eyes and I could tell that Syrah could sense it.

"There's just too many outcomes for me to consider, Syrah. If Sister Abigail comes over and suspects abuse...can you imagine the kind of fallout that will ensue? I can devise of no argument that would save me then. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than to have to face that." My sister nodded, understanding my plight in a manner as no one else could.

"Don't be so troubled. We both possess keen wit, do we not? And I assure you that tomorrow will be a victory for the both of us. You're just upset because Kate admonished you. That's all it was, an admonishment. Nothing more, nothing less. You know something? I think I can direct your mind to something of a more calming effect. To bring a little cheer back in your day. Tell you what, I've brought something very special with me from Estonia. I'm surprised I haven't gotten around to showing it to you. Just take a seat and wait right here. Be back in a moment." I stood up lazily from off the floor and sat back down at the edge of my bed.

"Leena Klammer, what's next in life?" I thought.

Syrah scanned the hallway before making it to her room, obviously not wanting any kind of encounter with you know who. I wondered what Syrah was so intent on showing to me. Hopefully it would be a cyanide tablet to put an end to this self-inflicted hell, where even demons fear to tread. Enclosed within my beating heart, black as coal yet red with rage, I thought of every deadly and ruthless manner in which I could dispatch of Kate once and for all, just as I had a thousand times before..

For her quarrelsome and wicked deeds against me, I would find penance at the edge of a knife or in some other gruesome fashion that I would find fit enough to please my soul. Today's drama only furthered my steel resolve to send Kate to hell in a hand basket. I would send her off with a blood soaked hand and none the moment too soon. Today was just another dress rehearsal for things to come. I know, I know. All I do is bitch, don't I?

Kate remained sequestered in her room, no doubt overcome by her own alcoholic self-loathing. I entertained the notion with soulful glee as to whether she felt intimidated by all of our recent clashes. It was open season and I wasn't holding back anymore.

"Yes, Kate. We'll see who goes to hell first. We'll see who goes first! We'll see who gets burned after all this, yes we will!" I sputtered angrily. There would be no truce. No call to disarm. I would crown myself the victor at the end of this war. She hadn't yet seen the worst of me, not by a long shot. I had her wrapped around my finger and deep down inside, somewhere deep within that withered, booze soaked brain of hers, she knew it was the ghastly truth. Cast forth the red carpet and sound the trumpets, for I would dislodge her from John's side and take my place beside my king. Yes, I would be queen of this household, and Max my little princess.

But enough crafty machinations, for there would be other times to entertain them. Syrah returned with what appeared to be a large book clutched within her arms. "Close that door behind you, Sy. We need not another shouting match with that wench who has tucked her tail between her legs and buries her sorrows with strong drink. I'm certain she has the bottle to her lips as we speak. Max, that poor thing, she doesn't deserve a mother like that. Too gentle a dove to be soiled by that woman's treachery!"

Syrah stopped me in my tracks, putting a hand up to silence me before I could go off on another tangent on how much better of a mommy I could and would be for Max. "Leena, enough already, please. My head is still going a thousand miles a minute the way it is. I have something here that will cheer us up." She extended the faded red book towards me. "Do you recognize this?", she asked. I placed a hand over the worn surface.

"No, this doesn't ring a bell," I said, squinting quizzically at the book cover.

"Silly, it's our photo album." she replied cheerfully. "Photos from the old country, from back in the day."

The two of us sat on the edge of the bed. My interest was peaked as she placed the book in her lap. I scooted closer for a better view. She opened the front cover, the pages yellowed with age. She turned two more pages before coming across the first of the photos that she wanted to present. They were glued onto the paper like an old fashioned scrapbook. Most of them were in black and white, obviously quite old indeed.

She pointed to an old Polaroid on the first page, marked at the bottom was the year "1979". Syrah let out a little giggle. "The toddler with the pet gerbil. That's you, honey." It was almost mesmerizing. There I was at three years old.

"Such a simpler time," I recalled. "Where does the time go? Thirty years, Syrah!" I looked at myself, a time when I was truly innocent. I was wearing a light blue dress and my mother had put ribbons in my hair, not at all unlike the ribbons I was forced to wear as an adult. Oh, such a sense of nostalgia passed over me. I could remember having a lisp. That was why I started calling Syrah "Sy Sy" because I couldn't pronounce my 'Rs'. And the nickname had just stuck. I gently touched my fingertips to the photo. How the sight of myself, so young, so innocent, so full of hope, almost brought a tear to my eye.

"And here is me in my school uniform. Grade 10, 1986. Just a class photo," Syrah remarked.

"You look just as beautiful now as you did then," I told her sweetly. This elicited a broad smile from my sister. Another photo, dated July of 1981, featured Syrah and I swimming in the large pond we had on our parent's land when we were growing up. Syrah was about ten and I couldn't have been older than five.

"Do you remember the summers when we were kids, Leena? Remember getting sick from the pond water?" She nudged me in the shoulder, "remember how you chased me all around the pond trying to splash me that day?"

I laughed out loud at the memory. "I threw up on mother that day. Yes, Syrah. Those were great times. Almost 30 years ago. Again, where has the time gone?"

Below this was a picture of our late grandmother from around the second world war.

"Grandmother, she fought against the Germans in 1941", Syrah said in a soft spoken, respectful tone. "Died in the Nazi POW camp. She must have been a strong woman to have fought alongside the men. What a shame we never got the chance to know her. She died decades before either of us were born into this world. Our endurance, our inner strength, I think we get it from her."

I looked at the photo again, sort of transfixed on it. "She looks like me," I remarked. "Well, me if I ever got the chance to grow out of this body." Syrah nodded agreeably, turning to the next page. I eyed the first color photograph in the album. I tapped it with a gentle finger. "That was father's car, his Yugo. A 1965, I think." What was strange is that Syrah refused to even acknowledge the photo's existence. I realized I had made a mistake as, after all, Syrah could not stand to hear any mention of our father. I knew it proper to be more careful next time.

She seemed to brush it off as her attention was drawn to the next picture. Syrah and I in about 1988, we were sitting together in an auditorium amongst a large group of other young people. "You can't tell me you don't remember this, Leena. Back when Estonia was a Communist country and we had to sit through these boring Communist Youth meetings?" It was amusing to see the quizzical looks on our faces.

"All I cared about were the boys there," I laughed memorably.

Syrah raised her right hand. "I'm guilty as charged," she joked. We meandered through the pages. A plethora of precious memories. They made me cherish my sister all the more passionately. I suddenly came across a more recent photo that touched my heart.

A stranger had taken the photo for us. It was of Syrah and I at the train station back in Estonia, just a short while after I busted out of Saarne. The train that began my journey into Russia. The journey that would eventually lead me here with the Colemans. It was taken just moments before my departure, the two of us in tears, in one final embrace. The last photo of the two of us for over a year.

Syrah covered her mouth, then fanned her face with her hand, trying to hold back her tears. I could only replicate what I was seeing in that special moment, taking her in embrace. Syrah was moved to tears once more. So fair a soul. She could melt like butter sometimes.

"We'll add to this photo album, Syrah. Pictures of you and I. Pictures of Max and John. My wedding day with him. The beginning of a new family and a new future." She wiped her eyes once more. "Let's take tomorrow by the horns, shall we, Sy Sy?" The images of our past had set me on a new plane of thought. Sister Abigail would be the LAST person to stand in my way towards a brighter future. Little did I know just how true those words would become.

**In the next chapter, Sister Abigail finally pays her visit to the Coleman household. But will Kate stand accused or was Esther overreacting all along? Thank you so much for reading and for your continual support. Please comment and subscribe :)**


	53. A Day Of Reckoning - Part One

**Another big thank you to NoComparison for her input on this chapter! Please do her a favor and pay her profile a visit!**

**In the last chapter, Esther was forced into another hostile confrontation with Kate. Esther is accused of fabricating abuse allegations to Doctor Browning. She soon learns that Sister Abigail has been contacted by the doctor for some undisclosed reason and that she would be paying a visit to the Colemans the very next day. This is where we shall begin...**

"Leena, come out of there, sweetie. Now I mean it, this instant! There's no way you can run from this! Come on out of there so we can talk! I can't help you if you won't speak to me! Why do you choose to be so difficult?" my sister harkened incessantly. There was a clear sense of urgency in her voice. She was in no mood for games.

There I was, hiding in my bedroom closet like a frightened child. Like a frightened child who was hiding from some unseen monster that was lurking within the uncanny depths of dark shadows. Four sides cruelly boxing me in like an animal trapped in it's cage.

It was a Saturday, this should have been a day for me to relax and cool off, deflating my stresses if not for a short while. But no, I was filled to the brim with an unbearable apprehension. My cheeks were moist with tears like a tree that is lashed with a heavy rain. For on this day that ugly messenger would come upon me and bearing with her were surely the seeds of my inevitable downfall. Today would bring with it the unthinkable, so I thought. I just knew it within the pit of my stomach. What gruesome tidings did fate hold within her bowels for me? What level of hell would I be dragged into?

The night before had been a cruel one, affording me not the slightest moment of sleep. It was a restless night filled with lonesome tears and deep bemoaning of the troubles lying just around the bend. I wept buckets but the pain seemed to be endless in it's nature. My eyes by now had grown heavy and my mind was clouded, obscuring all of my mental faculties. My overall health was suffering ever so greatly. In here, alone, in the dark. I wanted to hide myself away forever and to be sought out no more. Oh, I would have smashed the world flat if it would bring me but a single moment of solitude. But Syrah obviously had other plans.

"Leena, either you get out of that damn closet or I'm going to yank you out myself. Do you plan on staying in there all damn day?.Absolutely nothing constructive is going to come out of this kind of behavior. What happened to what you said yesterday? About taking today by the horns? Now you're giving me the cold shoulder? I'll have none of it! Now let's go, on the double! I will not keep repeating myself. Out of the closet. Right. Now. Do you understand me, Leena Klammer?" She sounded like an angry mother who was scolding a defiant child but what was I to expect? I did view her as both a sister and a mother figure, after all.

I looked down towards the ground, where the closet door left a small opening above the floor. I could see Syrah's shadow shuffling about through the only source of light; which was emanating through the opening like a tiny pinprick.

"Let's go, Leena. If you keep hiding like this then you're only going to make Kate even more suspicious. Is that something you want? Don't bring yourself any more troubles. I'm not going to deliberate with you any more about this." I met her entreaties with dead silence. "Fine, have it your way!" With a bold and prosperous force, Syrah threw the door open. I hid behind my dresses, the last barrier left between me and the impending doom that was held in reserve for this dire day.

Syrah's hand quickly took hold of me within her firm, fiery grasp, forcing me out of my only retreat. I fell backwards, collapsing onto my easel as it fell over on it's side. Brushes and paper scattered everywhere as I milled around on the floor, finally rising to my feet with a ten fold effort.

"Were you brought up to be a coward, Leena? Did I ever teach you such a horrible trait? Do not be in a disagreeable mood today, honey. You're frightened, you're anxious, I get that. I'm not asking you to face Kate or Sister Abigail head on. We're not going to be pushing boulders around today, after all."

My fingers became contorted like claws. I clenched my jaw. I breathed in and out deeply, trying to bring some level of calm to my mind. Easier said than fucking done! "When I left Saint Mariana's that day, I thought I washed my hands of that women forever.", I growled. "Why the hell does my past have to keep coming back to haunt me?"

My sister tried to soothe me with her quiet sentiments, placing a gentle hand on my back, so loving and benevolent. "Leena, just remember that I'm rooting for you today. I want to be your wellspring of strength, do you understand me? If you take a hit then I'll be right by your side to take it with you. Stop feeling so alienated and alone in all of this and just give me a chance, okay? We're going to be stronger for it at the end of the day. I want this experience to draw us closer, not apart. We're stronger than granite, Leena. I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, simply don't underestimate yourself and don't underestimate me. Good fortune shall shine upon us today and fill our souls with a peace everlasting. In good trust, please believe the truth in my gentle words. At the end of the day our smiles will be broader and more joyful than ever before! All perils will be cast aside, you'll see."

I gave Syrah a sly little look. "It feels in this moment that the whole world has concocted some grand conspiracy to bring about my destruction. I don't hide because I am a coward. I've never been a coward and would gladly spit in the face of such a degenerate should I ever come across one. But I swear Syrah, it's days like this when I just want to die!"

Syrah gave me a smug smirk, her eyebrows rising. "There you are talking about wanting to die, don't talk so stupid, my dear. If you're not some coward as you claim then prove what you say to me or do we have to do things the hard way around here? I've invested too much of my time and effort to let it go to waste. I told Max we would both teach her a little bit of the piano today. Do you want to let her down like this? For her to see you hiding in the closet like you were? Let's be sensible now. Come on, downstairs with me. Don't waste the hours away for each one you can never get back again. Wouldn't you rather spend them with Max and I or in a closet with mothballs and dresses as your companions?"

I took a look at my sister, a little confused by her outfit. "Speaking of dresses, why are you so done up today? You look stunning!" I told her. She wore a beautiful sleeveless, knee length dress that flared out towards the bottom, a bright red in color, her hair pinned up in the back. It was as if she were getting ready to go to a high class dinner party. She could stop traffic with her looks! Her beauty was mesmerizing!

"It's Prada and I purchased it for a special occasion, but not for today, hell no. But I figured I might as well wear it because I'm aiming to make a good first impression with Sister Abigail, okay? It's no different than with Doctor Browning. I'm doing everything possible so that we have some smooth sailing, Leena. Let's be mature about this. If Sister Abigail perceives me as being a refined, sensible woman than it's only going to be for your own benefit. I know, I'm overdressed for the occasion. I've outdone myself but who cares? That is the last thing I have to worry about."

I humbled myself at my sister's attention to detail. "You are refined and you are sensible. I appreciate your efforts, Syrah, I really do. It means the world to me. But I think you and I better take a last look around the house because I have one hell of a feeling that we're going to be on our way out. Believe me, I know what kind of person Sister Abigail is like. She isn't going to go out of her way with her duty of running Saint Mariana's unless she has a damn good reason for doing so. Oh, these terrible chaos driven days. How many have my eyes beheld?"

Having no more of my words, Syrah took me by the hand, forcing me along behind her like some dog on a leash. She always knew how to bend my will to hers, even when it came into conflict with my own. "We can't spend anymore time up here. The piano will take your mind off of Abigail." Syrah insisted. Her soft, velvety hand might as well have been a metal vice, dragging me ever deeper into the open mouth of my bleeding heart, split apart with tiresome sorrows.

I began to stumble behind her like Kate after drinking a bottle of Bacardi. Finally having enough of it, I tore myself away from her grip. "Damn it, just let go of me, Syrah. I'm not some child who needs to be hauled along. I feel degraded when you treat me this way."

She gave me a calm, expressionless sort of look. I watched her eyes as they scanned me from head to toe. "You're right, Leena... you know.. you're not a child!" she said ominously. Of course, there was little doubt that she was taking a sarcastic stab at "Esther".

There was something in her voice. Something intermingled among the hint of sarcasm. Was it fear? Was is just a stutter? I knew that she couldn't be feeling completely comfortable with Sister Abigail's visit, try as she might to conceal it. My profane thoughts wandered about to Saint Mariana's. Oh, how I wished I had succeeded in torching that hell hole to the ground with everyone in it. I took a nervous gulp as my sister and I made our way down the stairs.

And, as if like clockwork, the front doorbell sounded. I could almost feel my insides collapsing. I froze like a statue, cold and lifeless. Syrah put the palm of her hand on my back. "Let me handle this. You won't have to fight this battle alone today," she whispered tenderly. My sister took off ahead of me, clearly filled with a more noble courage than I could hope to muster. I reproved myself for my lack of fortitude and bravery, especially at a time when I needed it the most.

I held onto the railing with both hands, slowly inching my way down. The doorbell ran for a second time just as Syrah reached the front door. I made it to the bottom of the stairs, only to behold in horror as my sister reached for the doorknob. It was as if everything was happening in slow motion. I turned my head to the left. Sitting on the couch, newspaper folded in his lap, was John. He gave me a friendly wave, unaware of the war being endlessly waged within the mind of his "daughter".

It was now me against the world! I looked on in horror as Syrah calmly opened the door. I begged for my eyes to be deceiving me. The figure that stood in front of my sister was a bewildering menace to my sight. The unavoidable, dreaded moment had finally arrived.

Syrah cleared her throat, keeping a calm and steady tone of voice."You must be Sister Abigail, correct? Please, please come in. Right this way." My sister had a most serious and grave look on her face. She undoubtedly knew of how quickly this situation could spiral out of our control. There I was, standing out in the open. The beast was here to steal me away like a thief in the night. Of what defense could I save myself with?

The nun, that putrid figure dressed in her pious habit, what a truly grotesque and gut wrenching fiend! I became as stiff as a board as she stopped in front of me. "Hello, Esther. You're looking very pretty today". she said with a smile. That self righteous bitch, how DARE she utter as much as a single word to me!

"What are you doing here?" I said, almost in disbelief. She was stopped from giving an answer as John interjected with a warm welcome.

"So great to see you again, it really is, Sister Abigail," he said cheerfully. "I'm sorry we couldn't arrange for this meeting a little sooner." There was an awkwardness to his voice, as if he himself were dumbfounded about why she were here in the first place. Something I really wanted a damn answer to myself!

"Yes, yes, it's been quite the long time now, has it?" she replied.

"You really need to excuse me for one moment," John said. "Just let me go fetch Kate and let her know that you're here." He trampled rapidly up the steps, leaving Syrah and I to our own devices in dealing with this evil demon. I found myself within the golden dew of my sister's protective embrace, her arms draped over my shoulders and onto my chest. I clutched onto her arm, begging for respite.

I could feel Syrah's tender, warming breath caressing the nape of my neck as she bent down to give me a gentle kiss. It was the only thing that could warm the icy dread that I felt within. Abigail maintained a respectful demeanor. Was she doing so because she could taste the palpable fear lingering in my tired soul? How I hoped it would leave a most foul and bitter taste within her mouth! She suddenly locked eyes with my sister. A brazen stare that melted my bones!

"And you must be Sarah?" she remarked.

There was a subtle yet uncomfortable shyness to my sister's response. "Um, no, my name is Syrah. Esther's biological sister." Abigail gave a slight nod, extending her hand in a friendly gesture but my sister only lent her a brief, weak handshake. Syrah seemed to be growing more uncomfortable by the second. Abigail, on the other hand, maintained a humble yet authoritative presence.

Much like our encounter with Doctor Browning, I could tell beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was something Syrah and I were going to have to face down together if we had any hope of getting past it. I felt like a fly caught in a spider's web as the nun's attention was turned towards me once again.

"So Esther, how have you've been doing lately, precious? Saint Mariana's hasn't quite been the same without you". I was boggled. Did she really just have the audacity to call me precious? Oh, now she was stepping on eggshells! Syrah still had her arms wrapped around me as I turned my head, looking up tediously into my sister's eyes. They were murky, swooning with confusion and uncertainty.

Rather than address that deplorable hag from the Girl's Home, I politely bowed my knees in curtsey only to retreat behind my Sy Sy. My sister let out a nervous laugh. "I apologize. Esther's just a little shy today. You know how kids are," she explained. Abigail seemed to understand completely.

"You don't need to tell me. I've been running Saint Mariana's for 27 years. Believe me, there's never a dull moment. Each child we bring in has their own unique personality. Some are outgoing and others are, well, more reserved. But each one is special in their own right." Syrah cracked her neck from side to side as Abigail babbled on. She shifted her body weight from one leg to the other, clearly not comfortable in any way with being in the presence of this most unwanted visitor.

Abigail cast another unfitting glance towards me, of which I quickly averted my gaze. If only she knew. If only she TRULY knew the life I had lived and to truly grasp the things that I have done. She would then see fit to distance herself as far away from me as humanly possible, disavowing my existence forever more. But lo, to her I was but a pitiful child. So helpless yet so sweet. So pretty, quiet, and intelligent. What wrong could young Esther possibly do?

But in my soul was aroused a great and furious anger. How I yearned to spill forth my wrath in liberal quantities and bring about an end to her earthly existence, sending her on angel's wings to her maker. She had encroached onto MY territory and was now threatening every threshold that defined Leena Klammer. I was never so resentful of Abigail, would she just disappear already?

But why was I hiding, you may ask? Had I reverted to a childlike state? Was I truly intimidated by a meager nun? Was I simply trying to keep up the false pretense of innocence? Was it a little of both? Maybe. I couldn't deny the power Abigail held over me. She was more powerful than I cared to give her credit for. She was the person who signed the adoption papers. She was the person responsible for placing me in my new home. So you think I would feel the tiniest bit of gratitude for her efforts? Not a chance and not today! I knew in my heart what she was capable of and decided to tread gently.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of slow, lazy footsteps coming from behind me. I glanced from my little hiding spot as John led his beleaguered wife down the stairs, gently holding her hand. She appeared spent, her tired eyes were dilated and out of focus. She seemed sluggish, almost as if she were drugged. John apologized to Abigail for the brief delay. His presence made me feel a little more at ease, so much so that I re-emerged from behind my sister, holding onto her arm with both hands. I cuddled into her for any degree of comfort I could afford myself.

I felt my fingertips begin to tingle. I could just cut through the atmosphere with a knife. "Please, Sister Abigail, take a seat in the living room. Please," John insisted in his usual relaxed manner. "May I get you a cup of coffee or anything?"

"Oh, no thank you. Not at the moment," she said. Kate looked over at her husband, she was searching for something, I could see it in her eyes. Yet a sudden look of dissatisfaction crept onto John's face. Obviously the two were still on poor terms. Silently, he followed the nun into the living room. Kate stood still for a moment. She seemed entranced by something before vigorously shaking her head, snapping herself out of it.

Syrah placed her mouth to my ear, speaking in our native tongue. "What's wrong with her? Is she on medication or something? She looks.. completely out of it."

I gave an unenthusiastic shrug. "Maybe it's all the liquor she's been plowing down lately. You know how much she loves the bottle.", I said in disgust. "Who knows how many brain cells she kills on a daily basis." Kate trudged over to the couch to be beside her husband, her movements still painfully slow, almost robotic. Was there still a brain in that little head of hers?

Sister Abigail made her intentions clear as husband and wife took their seats across from her. "John, Kate, first of all thank you for having me. But before we begin, would it be okay if Esther leaves the room. What I want to discuss with the both of you is not for her young ears." My mouth parted as I glowered at Abigail. How dare she offend me like this?

Syrah stepped in. "It's okay, I've got this. Esther, please go to your room for a little while. I promise, it won't be long, sweetie. Why don't you go and paint, or play with your dolls?" her voice took on that same tone one often uses when speaking to a 'child'.

I quirked my head to the side. Now my own sister was talking down to me? I became defensive, refusing to be treated in such a manner as if I were an inferior.. "Daddy, why can't I stay and listen?" I could feel my hands balling into little fists. "I want to stay. Please, daddy."

John turned his head, an arm draped lazily over the back of the sofa. His voice was gentle yet firm. "Do as your sister says, Esther. Please, it won't be all day. Syrah, you can join us if you'd like."

Kate, of course, was more than adamant to throw herself into the fray. She stood up, pointing to the stairs. "Up those stairs, right now. GO!" she said in a commanding tone.

Syrah tried to speak to me but I ignored her entreaties and bolted past her, storming up to my bedroom rather than choosing to spend another second in that toxic environment. I was enraged! They were having a conversation about ME and I had no right to listen in? No right to speak on my own behalf? No right to give objection or defense? Yes, okay, I know what you're thinking. They think of me as a simple minded nine year old. What do I possibly know? What can I possibly make out of an "adult" conversation? What do I have to contribute? Yet that was the funny tradeoff for pretending to be Esther, now isn't it?

I was back into the familiar yet lonely solitude of my room, a lead weight seeming to be chained around my heart. My only company being the dark, muted stares of porcelain dolls and the goldfish swimming in their tank. All so blissfully unaware of the very human drama that was always unraveling like a fine thread in this never ending disaster known as my life. My blood pressure was rising as my heart ran marathons. How I wanted to tear this entire house into shreds!

"Now just calm down, Leena. Stay in control," I told myself. "It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. Can't...can't let John see my violent side." I began rambling as I became more disoriented, more mentally detached. "A good wife doesn't throw tantrums. No, no, no, you see. I can bake. I can cook. I can clean. I can...I can make love. I can take care of my daughter, my little Max. Yes... I can be a woman.. A real woman.. I.." I trailed off in my ramblings, burying my face in my hands. "Why? What's happening to me?"

I paced about rapidly, wringing my hands, feeling much like a chicken with it's head cut off. With a powerful onrush, I felt an incredible stinging sensation seeming to emit itself from somewhere deep within my own brain. And then my legs gave out like two wiry stilts breaking in half. I collapsed into a heap, my mind too overwhelmed to take me any further. The pain was immense, moving to the back of my eyes. It was a sudden migraine attack, no doubt induced by the acute stresses of this latest tribulation. Oh, dear God, what were they saying about me down there?

I angrily kicked at my painting easel, still toppled over on the ground, sending it skidding violently into the wall. Somewhere between here and the heavens above, there had to be set aside some morsel of peace for me. My eyes wandered around the room, the walls covered in my paintings, which in themselves held so many dark secrets for only my eyes to see. Those dolls again, dressed in their stuffy Victorian outfits, they were an insult to my soul and reminded me of my undying hatred of Esther.

I couldn't bare to spend another moment in such depressing surroundings lest I grow ever more despondent. Max was with friends at the time and thus even from her I could not seek a second of comfort and assurance. No, instead I was left all alone with only myself and my unceasing thoughts, slowly grinding me down piece by piece. This was madness made manifest! I needed absolution. I NEEDED to know the nature of the conversation occurring just beneath my feet. I wasn't about to wait for Syrah to fill me in on all of the sordid details. I needed to glean all that I could with my own ears.

I tiptoed down the darkened hallway with the pace of a slug, focusing my hearing until it was strained. I remained slow and cunning, hoping to not arouse anyone's suspicion, slithering against the wall like a crafty snake. With some effort, I could hear the conversation going on below me but I was unable to make out exactly what was being discussed. Their words were just out of reach.

This was all too important. EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING was at stake! I took off my shoes and set them to the side so as to become even stealthier. It was as if I were walking through a mine field, one that could blow at any minute. Nevertheless, I continued inching my way forward with my body still pressed tightly against the wall, hell bent on learning the nature of Sister Abigail's visit. It was my right as a human being to know the dirty little details, no matter what anyone else said to the contrary.

The floorboards creaked beneath my feet, causing me to hiss out of fear and suspense. It was by any means that I had to stay out of sight. I continued my encroachment until I reached the top of the stairs. The tension was reaching it's zenith. Now that they were within earshot, I ever so carefully peeked my head around the corner, clutching onto the wall for support. I could now see the four of them from over the banister. And boy did I begin to listen in just at the right moment!

Sister Abigail began to speak to the trio, Kate on John's left and Syrah to his right. "If what I wanted to discuss with the three of you wasn't so important then I would have spoken about it over the phone. John, as your wife already knows, I received a phone call from Doctor Cynthia Browning that has me very concerned."

"Yes, she told me about that," he nervously confirmed to her. I could tell that he was at a loss for making any sort of sense out of this situation. Abigail gave John a solemn nod before continuing.

"Well, this isn't something that is ever easy to discuss, but in my nearly 30 years of working with children it is unfortunately a reality that comes up from time to time. Kate, I need to start with you. This isn't going to be easy, believe me, but I'm very concerned about Esther's well being and with good reason. If anything wrong were to happen to her then it is on my shoulder's to have to deal with. It becomes my responsibility, you can understand that of course, am I right?"

Kate turned to her husband and then back to Abigail. "Why, yes, of course it would. I mean, why wouldn't it be?" She faked a casual little laugh, failing miserably of course. Sister Abigail maintained a powerful, focused stare as Kate shifted about in discomfort. The look on the nun's face showed that she meant some serious business.

John and Syrah didn't dare move a muscle. Abigail spoke sternly, her voice low and monotone. "Kate, I understand that you've lost your job teaching the piano at Harvard. And I know things are not going smoothly between you and your husband lately." Kate tried to speak in her own defense but Abigail quickly held up a hand to stop her. It was clear that the nun was the dominant one who had firm control over this conversation.

"Please, before any of you speak, let me finish my thought," Abigail calmly reprimanded. "Kate, I want to keep this discussion civil. I don't want any of us to get carried away here. We're all adults here, after all. But you need to listen. When Dr. Browning called me and told me the things that she said, well, that's why I took the time out of my busy schedule to make this meeting possible. Kate, you need to be honest with me about the questions I'm about to ask you. And I can't stress to you enough how important it is that you remain honest with me."

"You can ask me anything," Kate said boldly, her arm held out to the side in gesture. "I've got nothing to hide." Abigail gave Kate another stern stare, causing Kate to shrink back a bit, her arm slowly falling into her lap.

"Then if you having nothing to hide, Kate, then just be truthful with me. That's all I ask", Abigail said. Kate was besides herself, undoubtedly stifled by a growing fear.

Syrah realized where things were heading and quickly attempted to try and break the ice. "How about I go ahead and make us something to eat," she said in a nervous, high pitched squeak, pointing a shaky finger towards the kitchen.. She attempted to get to her feet but Abigail insisted for her to sit back down. Syrah stood still for a moment before slowly sinking back onto the sofa. Talk about awkward. It had quickly dawned on her that there would be no easy way out of this.

Abigail was finished with the formalities. She began to cut right to the chase with some hard questions for the woman sitting across from her. I stayed in my position, just out of sight as I leered menacingly at Abigail down below. "Kate, how has your relationship been with Esther lately? Are the two of you really bonding? Really getting to know one another? I'm interested in knowing how things have been developing over these past few months."

I couldn't see the expression on Kate's face but I'm sure she wasn't earning any points in her favor. But as much as I hated the woman, I could only hope and pray that she would say all of the right things to convince the nun that nothing was awry.. I listened with grave intent as she answered Abigail.

"We've had our rough patches, I mean, you know how things are with kids. She's had a bit of a difficult time with trying to adjust, especially at school. I mean, she's thousands of miles away from her own country. And our son hasn't taken a liking to her so we've had our ups and downs. There have been times when Esther has been troublesome but overall she's making it day by day."

John was shaking his head in disgust. Esther being troublesome? It was a foreign concept to the man. Completely impossible! He had failed to witness the altercations between Kate and I and was still refusing to believe his wife. John had no choice but to interject on my own behalf, seeing how I wasn't allowed to have a voice of my own in the matter.

"Sister Abigail, with all due respect, Esther has been the sweetest little angel since the very moment that we've brought her home. I'm not exactly clear about what my wife is talking about. She is right about Esther and Daniel having their problems and maybe she is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to her new life, but Esther has been one of the greatest blessings to us. Believe me, I have no regrets." I felt so glad and humbled that John was willing to stick up for me in such dismal circumstances. I found myself smiling in the midst of all this. I would show my love how grateful I was, one day!

"I see," Abigail said. "But Mr. Coleman, you need to understand, alcohol can sometimes cause a lot of strain in a household. Especially when it comes to the relationship between a parent and a child." Her eyes turned back towards Kate, who must have been aghast at the revelation. "Kate, the doctor has informed me of your alcohol problems. This was something I was completely unaware of until I received her phone call. I'm sorry to come out of the blue with this so suddenly but it is something we need to talk about and how it is associated with your relationship with Esther."

Kate must have felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on her head. Sister Abigail knew one of her dirty little secrets, it was both edifying and terrifying at the same time. Kate became impudent, losing her former respect for Abigail. "Are you trying to judge me? I'm a grown woman and if I like having a few drinks at the end of the day, I feel like I'm entitled to that right. Are you trying to imply that I have some sort of drinking problem?" Wow! I was really caught off guard by the fact that Kate didn't stick to her usual story and simply deny the allegation. Had she lost whatever fear she had been harboring? I crouched down as Kate turned her head.

For a brief moment, I feared that I had been found out. But after a tense couple of seconds I realized that I was still in the clear. The conversation continued unabated. "Kate," Abigail said, "I am not implying anything of that nature. But we all can agree that when people have a few drinks too many that sometimes they do things that they really don't mean to do. Things that are outside of their normal behavior and character. Sometimes they don't remember exactly what they have done once they become sober again."

Syrah shifted to the very end of the couch as Kate's mood became more defensive. The aggression bubbled in her voice. "Oh, oh, I see where this is going. The only reason you came over here today was to berate me, isn't it? That I'm some sort of unfit mother. What exactly are you accusing me of, Sister Abigail? What exactly is this witch hunt all about? If there's something that needs to be put out in the open then lay it out here and now."

"Calm down, honey. What has she accused you of? She hasn't made any such accusation, Kate," John insisted. He took her hand but she pulled away in defiance. I could just imagine the fierce look she was giving poor John, MY poor John.

"Don't you tell me to calm down. You're in on this, too, aren't you? If you're going to pull me down John, then you better be damn sure that I'm pulling you down with me." Kate suddenly turned her attention to my sister.

"And you, too, woman. Sitting there all prim and proper. What are you hiding from me? All three of you are in on this? Is this an intervention? I want answers and I want them NOW!" She slammed an angry hand down onto the coffee table. It was as if a switch had been flicked within Kate's psyche. This was NOT how I wanted Kate to react. She was only digging herself into a deeper and deeper hole. And to do it in front of somebody who possibly had authority over my fate and future was something that blindsided me like a speeding train.

But the nun firmly held her ground, refusing to be intimidated by the souring of Kate's mood. I could almost feel my heart wanting to rise up into my throat. I feared all the way down into the deepest layer of my core that this meeting of the minds was rapidly deteriorating into a den of vipers. Sister Abigail maintained her cool as she answered Kate's ironclad demands.

"Kate, I wanted to ease into this, I really did. But you seem bent on getting straight to the heart of the issue. So I'll serve it up to you straight. Kate, it may be a five letter word but when it comes to the welfare of children, to me it's a four letter word...ABUSE."

John shrank away in shock, certainly unable to believe his own ears. Kate swung her head around in every direction as if she were possessed "ABUSE?" she shouted, and I mean did she shout! I swear, if I were in Estonia right now I still would have heard it! She sprung to her feet like a lion pouncing on it's prey. Off came her hand bandage once again. She clearly was not in a state of mind where she was thinking straight. Kate was running off of pure emotion by this point. "Here, damn it! You want to see what abuse looks like? The bitch bit me, the little bitch bit me. You want to sit there and talk about abuse, Sister Abigail?" The sound of her voice, any louder and I thought the windows would shatter.

Then, suddenly, totally out of nowhere, Kate became instantly quiet. She looked down at her scabbed hand, rapidly wrapping the bandage back around it. John and Syrah each took her by the arm, gently guiding her back into a seated position. By now even Sister Abigail was unnerved by Kate's outrageous behavior. But throughout it all, the nun still managed to maintain a respectful attitude. I was sitting on those stairs as if I were a ten ton boulder. I couldn't break myself away from my position even had I wanted to. I was too scared, too shocked to pry myself away from the spectacle. There was simply no telling how far this would go.

Kate must have surely realized the severity of what she had done. She had gone from a wild beast to a deaf and dumb fool in the twinkle of an eye. Abigail let herself be heard. "Never had I met a person who has treated me so disrespectfully." John stepped in to try and quell the situation. "First of all, Kate is just confused. Don't listen to what my wife has to say. Esther has never done anything violent. Do you really think our daughter, a girl YOU know would do something like that to either one of us?"

Kate crossed her arms over her chest, slumping back into the leather sofa. She looked like a spoiled little brat who had been placed in "time out". I was as eager as ever to see where this would all conclude. Abigail addressed John in an attempt to reassure him. "No, John. I'm not worried about whether Esther has harmed anyone. This is unbelievably hard for me to say this. But from the information I have gathered, it is in my opinion that Esther is the person being harmed. And don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to pass the blame on anybody in this room. That is NOT my intention, but Kate, the way you've just acted makes me very unsettled. I'm seriously worried about your stability as a mother and as a person in general."

Kate kept her voice low and her emotions in check but there was still an overwhelming sense of defiance in her voice. "She bit me because we had an argument one day and I don't want to get into details about it. But I'll tell you this, I never, I repeat, I NEVER laid a hand on her in any way, shape, or form! Who gave you this idea to begin with? Doctor Browning? Please, tell me every single word she had to say to you. I'm innocent!"

I wanted to cry "BULLSHIT!" from the top of the highest mountain! She never laid her hands on me? She never brutalized me with her belt and struck me when I was on the ground? Or maybe she could explain WHY I bit her. How else was I to react when the bitch spat in my sister's face? I fought back to defend my sister! Wouldn't any person who loved their sibling do the same? But no, I had to keep everything inside as I stewed from my secret perch. It was only in my own best interest for me to keep a closed mouth than to storm downstairs and make a scene. After all, if I ever cried abuse then it would be a one way ticket back to Saint Mariana's. And there was no way in hell that I was about to let that happen to me.

"Please, I'll ask you for a second time, what exactly did the doctor have to say about Esther? About me? I don't need this kind of aggravation!" Kate was now sobbing in between her words. John tried to comfort the wretch but she was beyond hope. I took a look at Syrah's arm as it rested on the end of the sofa. It was shaking as if she were having a seizure.

"Hold strong, Syrah. Like you said, we're stronger than granite if we stick through this," I told myself. Abigail on the other hand was giving blind stares to the trio, her eyes darting back and forth between each of them.

Once again, she primarily focused her attention on Kate alone. "To be blunt, Doctor Browning said she discovered signs of abuse during Esther's initial visit with her. Do any of you care to me about that? Don't take me for a fool. The good doctor has no reason to lie, now does she?"

Kate cried out in distress. "What in God's name are you talking about? WHAT signs of abuse? WHAT? All my husband and I have ever done was love that little girl. Why would we bring a child into our home just to cause harm to her?" Kate's cries became long and sorrowful. She was begging for some sympathy but nobody was about to throw a bone at that dog. John was dumbfounded by the allegations but my sister was all too aware of what was really going down.

Oh, GOD! Oh please, NO! The ribbons? Doctor Browning and those fucking RIBBONS? She seen the marks and now I KNEW why she didn't tell John and Kate about the episode in her office. Holy hell, this wasn't about to happen! PLEASE tell me that Sister Abigail wasn't about to spill forth the bloody truth for all to see! Her words were like poison arrows shot point blank into my heart.

"There's a nine year old girl who I feel may be in serious danger. John, Kate, to be frank, the doctor told me that she found marks on Esther's body." I felt like fainting as time seemed to stop. The mouth of hell would surely be thrown open at any moment to swallow up my poor soul. DEFEAT WAS AT HAND! I had to clutch onto the banister as I fought to keep myself from losing my balance and tumbling down the stairs. This was it! WHAT WAS NEXT? But right at the last second, Kate could stand no more! For a second time she sprang to her feet with even more vigor than before.

She picked up the cushion that she had been sitting on and tossed it violently, causing it to sail directly past Sister Abigail's ear. Syrah stood up and got out of the way, her red dress fluttering as she steadied herself on a nearby desk. "Get the FUCK out of my house, RIGHT NOWWWWWW! YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME HERE! OUTTTTTTTTTT! OUT I SAID! YOU TELL THAT DAMN DOCTOR TO GO FUCK HERSELF, AND FUCK YOU, TOO!"

Abigail made her retreat out of the living room as Kate went into rampage mode. Objects quickly began to fly. Kate, in her venomous anger, proceeded to violently tear the living room apart. She swept the mantle of the fireplace with her arm in a broad and dramatic stroke, sending picture frames crashing to the floor. She ripped the DVD player from off of the TV and smashed it at her feet, plastic and metal flying in every direction. Kate had lost her mind in it's absolute totality! Abigail and John stood side by side towards the front door as the devastation continued. Kate threw the TV remote in Syrah's direction, causing her to duck away and make a break for the stairs.

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME? TO CALL ME AN UNFIT MOTHER AFTER ALL I GAVE TO THAT CHILD!" Her voice was livid yet strained all the same. "ALL I EVER DO IS COOK AND CLEAN AND I GET ZERO RESPECT FROM ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES!" The woman tipped over the coffee table in her rage, sending the glass top shattering onto the floor.

My attention was quickly drawn to Syrah, her bright red dress standing out over our drab surroundings as she reached me at the top of the stairs. A slight hint of her sweet perfume met my nostrils. She placed a hand over her heart, trying to catch her breath while holding onto the railing with the other. There was a wild, ravenous look in her eyes. It was something so unsettling and so unnatural to behold. But in those eyes I knew exactly what she was thinking. With that in mind, I expressed my hopelessness to her as Kate continued to pour out her cup full of rage, still overflowing, onto John and Abigail in an unceasing downpour.

"There's just no need to say a word, Sy Sy." I muttered in a tired and defeated voice, my shoulders slumped deeply in my state of absolute dejection. "I've been listening the whole damn time. Get my things ready because I think it's going to be time for me to go. Make that the two of us for that matter. I mean, that's all there is to it. Cry no tears for me, big sister, cry no tears. Save them for another time and place. That woman has destroyed what little chance we had, not that I feel we ever had a chance in hell to begin with. How am I now to make peace with myself?"

I managed to return to my feet ever so slowly as I cast my weary eyes towards Kate. She stood in the middle of the living room, her chest inflating and deflating as her arms trembled by her sides. "Fuck you! I hate ALL of YOU! I HATE EVERY GOD DAMN ONE OF YOU! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, ABIGAIL! LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" Kate emphasized "YOU" with an accusing finger that she pointed in her direction.

Abigail had had enough of this orgy of devastation. This was something that had truly gotten under her skin and destroyed her once solid faith in John and Kate. Do I really even need to state something so obvious? Her core had been shaken to it's bedrock, as had mine. Yet despite the insanity of the moment, she continued to show a sense of civility that would be hard for anyone else to match under similar circumstances.

"Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Coleman for having me but unfortunately I see that a mature conversation simply isn't possible. Kate, I misjudged you. I never expected such a delightful woman to behave like some wild animal. It hurts me to say this but it is in my honest opinion that this is neither a safe nor healthy environment for Esther to live in. I'm afraid that I am left with no other option but to file papers with Child Protective Services for Esther to be placed in emergency protective custody. I'm so sorry that our relationship has to end in such a way but it is my God given duty to protect the children that I have been charged with, irregardless of whether or not they reside at Saint Mariana's. Good day to the both of you!"

Kate must have decided it would be wise to throw yet more gasoline onto the fire. "YOU WANT ESTHER? YOU CAN FUCKING HAVE HER BECAUSE I KNOW HER TRUE COLORS! BUT DON'T YOU DARE COME CRAWLING BACK TO MY HOUSE EVER AGAIN! GET ON YOUR KNESS AND PRAY TO YOUR GOD FOR STRENGTH. OR HELL, WHY NOT SUCK MY HUSBAND'S DICK WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? EVERYONE KNOWS ESTHER'S SISTER CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Syrah put an arm around my waist, attempting to haul me away from the scene. I struggled to free myself from her grasp, trying to pull her arms from off of my waist. "Oh, she wants to hit hard like that? I'll rip her throat out! Where does she come off with the nerve to say something so disgusting about you, Syrah? Just give me thirty seconds with her, come on Syrah. I want at her!"

"Let if go, honey. Just let it go. Leena, we can't let them see us. That's the very least we can do for the time being. Come on, sweetheart. We need to think of a plan of action! Don't try to be a hero today!", Syrah said. "Oh, why does this have to be the story of our lives?", she moaned.

Abigail hurried out the door without another word. Meanwhile, John was overtaken in a complete stupor. He suddenly heaved over and began gagging as if he were about to vomit. Kate slowly sank down to her knees before collapsing onto her side, crying hysterically as if she were some sort of lunatic. Did she have even the slightest clue as to the gravity of her own outlandish actions?

"Stupid, STUPID fucking woman! How could she put me in a position like this?" I griped angrily to my sister. "Why not just bend me over and screw me? Why not just run a knife across my throat and shove a dagger through my heart while she's at it? Sister, please tell me this is some horror drenched nightmare? That the two of us will wake up at any moment?"

Syrah was sweating profusely as she led me away. "Keep your voice down, we don't need them hearing any of this." She desperately tried to keep me within her arms as I thrashed about like a fish out of water. She knew that I was a powder keg on the verge of ignition. "Now that's enough, Leena! Stop struggling and show some restraint. Violence will only beget more violence.", she urged.

The realization that this may be my last day in the Coleman household was becoming more concrete. But then I was hit with a more horrifying thought. Even more horrifying than the prospect of having to find another home. I immediately voiced the crushing reality to my sister as I stopped struggling for a brief moment.

"Syrah, I love you well and hold you dear. But if the authorities take me then they will take Max, too. I don't give two shits about Daniel. But I have to look after my daughter's welfare. Now LET ME GO!" A mighty surge of adrenaline saturated my body, finally giving me enough strength to wrench myself free from the lock my sister had me in. I threw her arms off from me as I made a break for it. "Leena, NO! NO, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! DON'T MAKE THIS WORSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK UP HERE! WHY MUST YOU BE DO STUBBORN?"

I ignored her frantic pleas as I rushed downstairs. I swear that my feet never even touched the ground as I roared away from her. I ran at breakneck speed into the greenhouse, knowing without a shadow of a doubt what needed to be done. The next few minutes were going to determine my destiny and I would be damned if I were about to let some aging nun destroy what I had worked so hard to accomplish.

My instincts and senses were driven to new heights of intensity as I rushed about the greenhouse looking for a weapon. That's right, I was going to prevent her from snitching in the best way I knew how! There was a small work desk at the far end of the room and I raced over to see what I could find. The top was cluttered with all manner of tools and pottery. I noisily searched through the pile before feeling a wooden handle. I pulled it out from underneath the clutter and gave a sly smile. "A hammer! This will silence the bitch!", I thought with an evil intent.

There was not a second to spare, and I literally meant that in every sense of the word. Placing the hammer aside, I made a mad dash into the living room. John was nowhere in sight while Kate was on her knees attempting to clean the massive mess that she had made. She was talking to herself as if she were having some sort of psychotic episode, writhing in her own humiliation. But from me she would receive no redemption.

With the clock ticking, I grabbed my blue overcoat from off of the coat rack and slung it on in haste. Realizing my shoes were still in the upstairs hallway, I took hold of my snow boots instead and pulled them on and not a moment too soon. Once again, I took off as my sister begged for me to return to her. My legs were struggling to take me as fast as they could and beyond. A painful cramp began to form in my hamstrings but there was nothing that could stop me now. I was truly a woman on a mission!

I felt as if I were traveling upon a bolt of lightning as I tore back into the greenhouse and retrieved the hammer. Today would be a day of blood! Out the greenhouse door I went as it clattered loudly against the glass window panes. The fires of hell were growing within me, the fuse was lit and there was no turning back from what HAD to be done. I was not about to let my future be flushed down the drain again. NO! I would NOT accept another repeat of the Sullivans, not this time! I would not allow my precious dreams to be thrown down as if they were a pile of matchsticks! And I would surely be damned before I allowed myself to be so viciously torn from the loving embrace of Syrah, John, and Max.

I took off into the forest, beginning my descent down the mountain. I was completely unaware as to whether Sister Abigail had already driven off or not. Nevertheless, I plowed across the ground, sticks and snow crunching beneath my feet. The trees whizzed by. Truly, they would be the only witnesses to what was about to happen on this day. I felt as if I had acquired some superhuman strength as my feet carried me at breakneck speed.

Sweet victory or crushing defeat were now my only outcomes. For me, there was no time to ease my painful sorrows made paramount by the shedding of tender tear drops nor the time to entertain the horrors that may seek to consume me if I failed to act in my own best interests. Now would be the only opportunity I would ever get in order to set things on the right path again. To see fit before the sun faded that every ill fated grievance would be surely corrected if I could only halt Abigail from accomplishing the unthinkable.

She must surely be sent off on a flight of angels to meet her god, adding her to the roll call of saints unnumbered. At the end of this day, I would force fate itself to be my benefactor. I and ONLY I could be in charge of forging my own destiny, not by the whims of a prudish nun. I knew within my heart that if I failed in dispatching Abigail with my own brutal hands...that I would have no future! May a river of blood wash away my fervent fears and purge my soul forever more! Leena Klammer, please, don't fail me now!

**In the next chapter, Esther attempts to take her fate into her own hands by finishing off Sister Abigail. But will she be successful or will she have to taste the bitter sting of failure yet again? Thank you for taking the time to read and for the continued feedback. Please note that I've given the task of writing the next chapter to Fan Fiction writer "Lovely Linda". Look for it sometime in October.**


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